Tell me somethin', girl.
Are you happy in this modern
World, or do you need more?
Is there somethin' else
You're searchin' for?
I'm fallin', in all good times,
I find myself longing for change.
And in the bad times, I fear myself.
Thankfully, this new year of 1955 did not bring another pregnancy and I was glad for the break. Having two girls, a father-in-law and a husband was enough (and with letters flying back and forth between me and TC at an alarming rate, I had enough silliness). They brought me enough joy that kept me busy and almost made me forget everything before my feet stepped into Maine. But this year began with some troubles.
Hawkeye was having a hard time adjusting to his position as a civilian doctor again. Since beginning work over a year before, he had been glorified and vilified by his fellow peers. They were amazed that he was able to get back from Korea in one piece and still manage the medical community with more knowledge they knew what to do with. He had experiences they did not and it made a difference in many cases.
At the same time, some did not appreciate his forwardness and his way of dealing with people. Hawkeye was so used to patching people up and sending them on their way that the other doctors did not take to his methods and had to teach him to slow down a little. Even when he did, Hawkeye was always reaching for the human being in every patient. He could not forget what war made out of people.
Melvin Cochran was the worst critic of these ways. He had been promoted in the past year and was now on the hospital board that controlled every clinic and hospital in the southern coast of Maine. Once he heard that Hawkeye was making waves and trying to change things, he set his heart on destroying my husband. This included demoting him and docking pay. Every rumor said about Hawkeye was even taken seriously.
Even Dad was enraged. "If we listened to every word a woman said, we'd be searching for everything forever," he complained to the board.
Revenge was swift. Dad was constantly picked on at the clinic. He, who had been caring for Crabapple Cove (and brought many into the world), was now suffering the same fate as Hawkeye. Cochran decided to find ways to pick on him. He petitioned for no pension. He decreased Dad's hours. He even put restrictions on our exam rooms, pointing out some obscure and ignored state law he manipulated.
It's not like we needed the money. With our monthly checks from the US government, we lived so comfortably and saved so much more. I didn't know what else to do with the funds, so decided on savings accounts for the girls. We even had a household account, for the taxes and repairs on the house. Hawkeye managed this for me (since I was not legally allowed to) and sometimes would joke that we'd be richer than the Winchesters before long.
Excluding money, this hell made life at home a tad more than tense. Hawkeye often came home, blubbering in anxiety or screaming in a rage. He was a step above a soapbox and began his insanity as soon as he came into the door and he would last on and off until he went to bed. The girls and I learned to give him a few minutes before tiptoeing by the front door to say hello. Even so, we had to be careful of what we did and said.
It was not like I tried to make everything calmer. I dressed as pretty as I could without being indecent. The girls were always cleaned and well-behaved and the house was spotless and in good shape. The bed was made if he wanted to lay down. His newspaper and a bottle of beer were always at his chair in the living room. Dinner was almost always done minutes after he arrived and I always cooked his favorite meals.
Nothing I did made a difference. Even Dad was wary of Hawkeye. He told Hawkeye time and again that he needed to pick his battles more carefully. He begged Love to leave Korea behind and not to show the other doctors up with the skills he learned in the depths of despair. Dad even argued with Hawkeye about leaving the medical billing system alone.
That was a sore spot. Hawkeye was not one for medical bills. He believed that his skills will benefit a community and that money should not get in the way of people's health. Cochran and his committee decided that Maine would be the first in raising the price of bills. They felt that hospitals were declining and that pouring more money into them would increase reputation, respect and stability.
Oh, we tried to ignore the madness, me most of all. I was not going to be told by some quack who I was allowed to treat and what to charge. I still allowed people in the doors. I kissed wet cheeks and wrapped bloody knees. I was a mother and a nurse. Nobody was going to be without.
Hawkeye wanted to follow in this rebellion all the way and continue on this quest. He damned whatever Dad told him and continued to be an obnoxious jackass about what he felt was right. However, he had no following. No doctor in their right mind was going to tail along with him.
For Shannon and Annabeth, the year changed for them. They turned to Daddy for fun and games. Now, they hid behind my skirts and yielded to my gentle prodding. I was truly the only one they had. They held onto me for shelter from the storm Hawkeye brought home daily. They knew that Grandpa was as frightened about something. He was no solace anymore.
I tried getting Hawkeye to think of other things. The 4077th reunion was going to be in Missouri this year. Colonel and Mrs. Potter were renting space for camping for the week. The next week will be spent near their home. Then, we were supposed to go to Mill Valley in July, to visit BJ, Peg and the children. In September, Charles and BJ were supposed to be coming to Crabapple Cove and heading down for a medical conference in Portland with Hawkeye. Thanksgiving was supposed to be with Trapper and Louise and their children and Christmas was an open house in Crabapple Cove.
Hawkeye was not interested in any of it. He made everything so strained, especially a simple conversation. It was like he forgot he had a family to care for. I was the port bitch, with several dependents and an attitude of my own. All he did was complain and drink as he steered the ship.
And yet, those pictures remained taboo. I still had not shown Hawkeye. Dad and I snuck a few out each time we had a fire on the beach. We wedged them between other papers and twigs used for fire starters. Hawkeye could not tell the difference. He sat back, drinking.
Other than burning that hell, I didn't know what else to do. In Korea, it was easier. We had plans to play hide and seek. There was closing down the Swamp. Playing "Doctor and Nurse" always simmered down a tense OR session. This time, no matter what I did, Hawkeye was always agitated.
I went as far as reading the Good House Wife's Guide by the time it came out in May. Some of those things they suggested, I already performed to the best of my abilities. Other things, such as never complaining and keeping him entertained, were picked up with greater speed. I even kept the children out of sight and mind if he hid in the bedroom. Many times, I saw him take a bottle of scotch there anyway.
The next month, after Annabeth turned one and when we were preparing to go to Missouri, Dad stopped me. I was packing the girls' clothing in my old Army bag while upstairs Hawkeye was at work and the girls were napping. Dad was not coming with us and wanted to mind the house, he protested. I also believed that he was going to monitor Hawkeye's place in the medical community.
"You going to be ok?" he asked me.
"Why?" I was confident that this trip would calm Hawkeye down some once he got caught up in the fun. "The girls will enjoy being with people again. They'll be in the great outdoors. What more can we want?"
"Opportunities for Hawkeye to drink," Dad pointed out sadly. "Watch out for him out there. I hope he doesn't get stupid."
"We will always have someone there to control him." I wasn't giving in to this new anxiety. "They'll keep him in check. I promise."
Dad wasn't quite convinced and let it go. He was cautious though. Even though he loved Hawkeye with his heart, he still feared that he would lapse into a cycle of endless destruction. He was not as confident that being with friends will heal us some. He would never understand anyway.
~00~
June 30, 1955
Crabapple Cove, Maine
We are home! Missouri was a wonderful change of scenery. The Potters, Father Mulcahy and the Klingers were gracious hosts. There is also a new addition – little Max Klinger! The Korean/Lebanese baby was a charmer, for sure. However (and even the Potters say this), he is the ugliest child anyone has ever met. But nobody will tell Soon-Lee and Klinger that.
Otherwise, the meeting was a success. Hawkeye calmed down some. I mean, he was his usual loathsome self and even said a few campfire speeches that had Margaret throwing popcorn at him. But he didn't drink as much as he did when he was home. He was pleasant, funny and wonderful. It was like the last several months did not happen and he picked up right where he left off with his tomfoolery and jokes.
BJ and Peg showed off their new daughter, Gina. She was almost a replica of Erin and just as gorgeous. Oddly enough, little Gina bonded with Annabeth. My youngest did not want to leave the newest Hunnicutt addition at all. The two were inconsolable without each other. Even as we boarded the train to go home to Maine, Annabeth was crying, most likely about Gina.
To be honest, it was a smaller crowd this year. Our usual gang came by. Some of the nurses showed up. Zale stayed away and so did Rizzo (he was in West Germany). Greg Keller stopped in for two days, only to steal enough poker winnings that even Charles was chasing him out of the campsite. That was amazing.
These past two weeks went by so quickly. I did not want to leave. It felt like home to be with these people again. We had such a great time together and caught up! Coming back to Crabapple Cove should have been a relief from so long of a trip. However, the troubles began again as soon as we arrived. Hawkeye read through the mail and some things Dad left out. Before his shoes came off, he bitched about the new directives for the clinic.
I went back to being his housewife. I had to be. The girls did not need Hawkeye to act like a raving lunatic. I grew up in madness. I sought peace above all things.
I know this will blow over someday. July will come quickly enough and we will be in California with BJ. The visit will remind my husband of his power. Hawkeye will permit himself to rise, pull his head out of his ass and come to his senses. However, this year might not be the time. We shall see.
~00~
Tell me something, boy,
Aren't you tired tryin' to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain't it hard keeping it so hardcore?
I'm fallin', in all the good times
I find myself longing for change.
And in the bad times, I fear myself.
September came quickly. While our visit to Mill Valley had to be abbreviated (Dad was sick and we had to head home quickly), Hawkeye looked forward to BJ and Charles visiting. By then, he calmed down somewhat. Melvin Cochran melted away into meetings and ignored Hawkeye. Some changes in procedures developed and new people came in. This allowed Dad to have his semi-retirement and stay home while Hawkeye reveled in the new opportunities.
But Dad was becoming restless. He stayed in Crabapple Cove for most of his life and his legs longed to be on vacation. Dolly had been begging for him to visit the Vermont cabin and spent days persuading him to show up. After some time discussing it, it was agreed that Dad will stay there for a month. He needed the rest.
He was still worried about Hawkeye. "What are you going to do when I am gone?" he asked me one evening when Hawkeye was working. He began pacing, much like his son. "Watch the girls, cook, clean and…what? Switch between children and husband?"
"I've handled many Post-Op wards," I pointed out as I continued to switch some garments together. "This isn't much different."
"But you have Hawkeye. He's a million patients rolled into one."
"He's not much to deal with. I can ignore him and hide. If need be, I can use a tranquilizer and tie him down to the bed."
Dad was not amused by my answers and stopped his steps. "You're not taking this seriously."
I sighed and put my sewing down next to me. I was exasperated. "No, I am. Hawkeye is many things – stubborn, selfish and loony. But he's my husband and I will lay in the bed I made. You cannot be a buffer. This isn't your marriage."
Dad protested. He thought that he was required at home to watch. Like Hawkeye, he made all sorts of excuses. He had warts and a hangnail. Somebody at the clinic wanted him to follow-up on some prognosis. He promised the girls a walk in the park. The local Army hooligans asked him to be a doctor on the draft board.
I knew it was all bullshit. I would have known about the call from the Army first (Greg promised me all information). He was already easing own his involvement with the clinic and had no patients. The girls could take a walk with him any day. And I knew he grabbed the warts and hangnail explanation from Hawkeye.
I held my hand up to stop him. "It'll be ok. You need to relax. You were sick most of the summer. You need time alone. You can't take care of every little problem unless you are well yourself."
"I can say the same about you," Dad complained.
"That's because I am the wife and the nurse of this house and you will listen to me," I said boldly. "And I think it's a good idea for you to get away. You've been taking care of us for two years. It's time for a break."
Dad said nothing and remained hesitant still. Even the next morning, when he was packed and went in the car with Dolly, he did everything he could to stall. Hawkeye had to literally seat him in the front passenger seat and lock his bags in the trunk. Dolly was not nice either. She shamed him into being too caring for everyone except for himself.
As a foursome, we all waved goodbye to him from the porch. However, he didn't want Dolly to drive yet. Dad motioned for me to come to me. I obeyed him and leaned into the open window.
"Be strong," he told me as he took my hand and rubbed it. "Don't forget it."
I'm off the deep end.
Watch as I dive in.
I'll never meet the ground.
Crash through the surface,
Where they can't hurt us.
We're far from the shallow now.
In the shallow, shallow.
In the shallow, shallow.
In the shallow, shallow,
We're far from the shallow now.
He kissed my forehead and let go. By then, I stepped back and Dolly reversed her car and drove down the road without another word. Dad waved to us until he was out of sight. However, my spy's eyes noted something else.
Dad was crying. It was not out of sadness though. It was from concern. He knew this was a big step for all of us. Since we returned from Korea, he had been babysitting us and guiding our every step back to civility. Now, he was spending time away from us and leaving fate in our hands. It thrilled him and scared him at the same time.
Hawkeye released the girls to the front door and approached me. "What did Dad say?"
"He said to take care," I replied. I was still glancing at the sand the car picked up. "Be strong."
"I've never seen him so…" Hawkeye paused. He cleared his throat. "Well, the house is ours, Mrs. Pierce. Care to come in?"
Hawkeye held his arm out, to link with mine. For a split moment, I thought it was like old times again. He was smiling warmly and glowing under the light of the midmorning sun. He cracked some jokes about the horseplay he was going to imagine and bring home tomorrow, when he finished with work.
In those golden seconds, I relished it. Everything seemed so perfect. Shannon and Annabeth were playing together on the porch and then near the mountain laurel bush. For once, Hawkeye was thinking to us and not work. I was on the surface and not drowning under the waves.
I'm off the deep end.
Watch as I dive in.
I'll never meet the ground.
Crash through the surface,
Where they can't hurt us.
We're far from the shallow now.
In the shallow, shallow.
In the shallow, shallow.
In the shallow, shallow,
We're far from the shallow now.
I did not realize that danger was on the horizon. As we held each other and reentered our home, a new threat was nearing. It came from the north and killed in its wake. It was a pandemic, the likes nobody had seen in years. It was coming for Crabapple Cove.
Song lyrics are from the Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper song "Shallow".
