15
Scotch Thoughts
The Pharoah's Engineer
Lee stood aloof from the partying crowd in the bull pen, casually leaning against the window of Billy's office. He was sipping some of Glynis' peach brandy and observing the odd phenomena filling the room. He had always employed careful avoidance tactics when there were holiday parties at the Agency. Parties and celebrations he liked, even those with colleagues, but he always hated the holiday parties where the holiday spirit felt forced. But this was different. Maybe some of the agents in that room were forcing a birthday celebratory spirit for Rupert but not Lee. Even if they didn't know who the elderly man was, they knew he had somehow been instrumental in saving their skin the other day as the Agency had been penetrated for the first time in its history. What made this different for Lee, though, wasn't knowing what Rupert had done but just knowing Rupert.
Lee could look around that room, and for the first time in his conscious memory he could feel this amazing life inside of him as his gaze fell on Rupert and Lois and Glynis. They made him smile. That was why he had kept going back for more and more regular visits at Birchwood. There was something about knowing those wonderful retired agents that gave him hope. And he hadn't known before now how much he had needed that hope in his life. Maybe he had just shut himself down until a couple of years ago. This kind of work could easily cause a man to do so. He had probably even learned it from his uncle and his childhood as a military brat, moving from base to base. Hadn't that been what his uncle had taught him?
It wasn't until last year when the Colonel had let Lee help him through his court martial that it had even occurred to him that the family connection that they shared actually was a vital link for the two of them. They really were all the family that the other one had. For the first time in his life, it had become abundantly clear to him how important it was to have such connections, and once he had realized it, he had wanted to create more. Maybe he hadn't really known that was what he had been doing when he started to visit Birchwood, but it was clear to him now.
He took another sip of the sweet fruity brandy and finally allowed his gaze to settle on the one person in the room that he knew without a shadow of a doubt had started this whole change in himself. She was there across the room laughing with Rupert and Billy. He loved the way her face shone when she smiled. He loved the way she reached out to softly touch Rupert's arm as she talked to him. She was so personal with everyone; that was one of the things that made her such a great partner for him. She had that personal touch. And people trusted her.
Of course, a few days ago he had almost gone back to his earlier days of doubt. When they had first begun working together, he had been sure that she never would have gotten past her naiveté and been able to use her instincts to be able to know what was a real scenario and what was a fabrication. He had been so frustrated with her for believing Rupert. And he had been frustrated with himself as well. And confused. He was a highly trained agent. He had volumes, thick volumes, of military strategy and history on his desk. He had studied and internalized each page. He knew codes and languages that only a small fraction of the world population knew. And he had let himself partner with and even fall for a suburban housewife. And he hadn't just let himself fall for her because she was a beautiful woman that he spent a lot of time with. He had thought about it, he had made a conscious decision to let her in. And he was pretty darn well sure that it was the right thing to do - except in that one moment when he had turned on the light in Lois Mendelson's bungalow and found her sleeping contentedly in her bed. The fact that Amanda would be taken in by Rupert's fantastical imaginations at this point in her training had thrown him for a loop. And he hadn't been able to see things straight until the next day when he was looking up at Amanda sweetly perched on his desk very professionally running through the extremely thorough and intuitive research she had done using his clearance. She had surprised him and floored him with her initiative and determination, and he quickly realized her instincts were everything he believed them to be and that she was everything he had believed her to be.
He could get used to her presence in the Q Bureau. He hadn't minded finding her sitting at his desk waiting for him in there the other morning. He had missed her so much the previous weekend during the case at the tennis tournament and had looked forward to getting to work to finally be able to see her. If he hadn't been under such pressure to get down to work on this latest "pyramid" case, he would have liked to spend more time with her. It wasn't the most natural thing for him to have her perched next to him helping him go through his day timer, but he was glad to adjust if it meant having her next to him. And introducing her to the folks at Birchwood had been almost like he was unlocking a secret room and allowing her in. He felt so glad now that he had shared that with her.
She was looking at him now; she had caught him staring at her, and he quickly removed his gaze and feigned business with a file on the desk next to him. He was still unsettled. Connections were great, loving a wonderful woman and having the perfect partner was exhilarating, but… and that was the thing that was eating away at him now. But. But just the other day he had charged down the hallway towards danger as everyone else, including Amanda, had run the other way to escape that same danger. It was his job, his life. It was what he had trained to do.
He had to be willing to take the risk and use the untested antidote in order to save everyone else's lives. And that had never felt like the monumental task that it had the other day. There was a terrible risk to caring for people, a terrible risk that came with these connections that brought so much hope and joy. It made his job more difficult and much more important. If he loved then he could feel fear… but he had kept himself from love because of fear hadn't he? And he hadn't been happy then, he hadn't felt as alive as he had recently had he? But could he deal with the consequences of allowing himself to have these caring and loving connections along with the risks and sacrifices that his job required of him? He knew instinctively that it would surely mean loss. Of course, he could choose to continue on as he had, being alone in the world. He could keep his friendship with Amanda as it was, she could remain his partner and friend only, and he could choose to carry the love he felt for her to his grave; after all, it could be an early one. But then, maybe he couldn't. The strength of his feelings for her overwhelmed him at times. And he ached for more of the close connections that she had introduced him to. He had been without it for so long that now that he had opened himself up to the beauty of it, he was like a starving man craving more and more.
He could feel her gaze on him. He couldn't continue to pretend to be absorbed in the file in his hands. Downing the peach brandy, he lifted his gaze back to the room full of people that he would give his life for, not only because it was his job but because he cared for them. He would figure it out. It was the wish he had made as he had helped Rupert blow out his candles. He had wished for a future, maybe even a normal life, maybe even with Amanda. And to begin to make that wish come true, he probably should join the party.
