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Chapter 34 – Impossible de voir sans toi

Thursday, February 6th, 2020.

CPOV

We're standing in my ensuite bath, getting ready. It's been forever since I've shared this with her. I've missed it.

"How are you feeling, baby?" I stand behind her and rest my face in her neck.

"I'm okay." She says with a small smile as she applies a little blush.

"You know, as much as I wish you worked on my floor, thank god you don't?"

"Why?"

"Because I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you. Even yesterday, you looked so beautiful."

She looks at me through the mirror. "Wait... you weren't even here yesterday... how did you...oh wait, I know... you stalker... remote CCTV link?"

I laugh and kiss her neck and she giggles. "You know, there were so many times I wanted to flip the bird at the CCTV while we were on break cause I was so mad at you."

I let out a big laugh. "I kind of like it when you're mad. You look cute... terrifying but cute."

She turns around to give me small kisses on my lips. "Good, you remember that the next time you piss me off and I put you in your place." She giggles and kisses me some more. We're interrupted by an incoming call on her phone. I check to see and it's Nita. She sets the call to speaker and resumes her makeup routine.

"Asalaam-o-alaikum Mama!" she sings.

"Walakum asalaam, Aanu." She says back. She really has a sweet voice like Ana. Though, I don't quite understand how she has a British accent, I need to ask Ana about that.

"How is everything? I was looking at flights... I can fly in Friday night and then fly out super early Monday morning next week. "

Fuck, I wanted us to spend Valentine's day together, I made plans... that I've yet to ask her out for. Fuck... I'm such a fucking sap.

"Aanu, there's been a change in plans. The lawyers are flying in for the will reading since there are some Indian assets that need to be transferred to Alia apa and I and instead of coming back to India again for the legalities and transfers, the lawyers suggested we just do it here and get everything sorted before we come back to avoid another trip. They will liaise with our local lawyers here to get everything done. We're looking to come back to SF by the 20th at the latest."

I see Ana's face fall. "Oh... okay, that makes sense. I'll look up tickets for then."

"I'm sorry meri jaan. We just want this to get done once and for all and come back. I've been itching to get back to work and walking around freely again." She giggles.

"Yeah I can imagine. How is Nani?"

"She's doing well, we all miss Baba but this Nani of yours is a tough cookie." She laughs.

Ana laughs too and starts to say something in hindi and she responds in kind.

"Tell me how is Christian?"

Ana looks at me and smiles I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing the love in her eyes... as much as I crave it, I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

"He's doing well, just busy building his empire."

"Well, you must bring him when you visit in a few weeks. Rania was telling me we need to start brainwashing him and turn him into a desi... and besides, I'd like to get to know him better."

"I will mama, I'll look at his schedule and we'll make a plan. Will you guys ever visit Seattle? No one has come to see me since I moved here." She says with sadness.

"I know meri jaan, I will, I promise."

"Okay, I will hold you to that."

"Do you need anything from here?"

"No, just come back soon. I miss you guys a lot."

"I will, Aanu and we miss you too. Take care of yourself, meri jaan."

"I will, Mama. I love you."

"I love you, Khuda Hafiz."

She hangs up and closes her eyes as if to will herself not to cry. I hold her hand and kiss her cheek.

"Sorry, I don't mean to be a grown ass woman crying because she misses her mom."

"You love her Ana, of course you miss her."

"I think I really got used to seeing them again so often while I was wedding planning and then suddenly I was just cut off."

"We'll go see them soon. I'm intrigued by this conversion Nita talked about. What's desi?"

She laughs. "Oh that... well, it's pronounced as 'they-see' actually. It's a term meant for people who are of the sub-continent origin in this case, indian, Pakistani or Bangladeshi but they live abroad but now people associate it with culture and traditions. So like, I can say... I love desi food or I'm going to act desi for the day... so yeah, my family is going to fully transform you. Full brainwash protocol. You'll be speaking hindi-urdu in no time, Mr. Grey. Your poor stomach may not be able to handle it but you know what they say... sometimes you just gotta dive in." she giggles.

"I can't wait baby. Maybe you can to teach me some words beforehand."

.

She beams at me. "Sure, I'd love to."

...

APOV:

I feel at ease now that Jose and Val know. I'm still holding out on the major stuff till we meet in private but still, I can breathe easier. My face still looks a bit like a puffball from all the crying from last night so I walk with Sawyer to the health bar half a block down from GEH and get a beet juice hoping it will return me to normal."

"You know, your juice habits used to creep me out but then I tried one and it wasn't so bad." Sawyer shares.

"SEE! Don't knock it till you try it." I giggle.

"Yeah, yeah. How are you feeling? You didn't look so good last night."

"I feel much better. I got a call from my birth mom yesterday after lunch and she's a real... bitch. I don't know why I still let her affect me but it just threw me... she straight up asked if my grandfather's will had been read and if I was getting anything. No condolences, nothing... just straight up asked me that. No mention of the fact that I left her 3 messages while I was living at the Grey's... nada, zip."

"That's fucked up. I'm sorry."

"Thanks, Luke... I appreciate that. I just need to toughen up and not let this shit affect me anymore. I think I'll be coming to Escala more often... I need to get over myself, shit happens and I need to move past it. How about we start on Tuesday evening after work?"

"Sounds good to me. Get ready to eat the mat."

"Bitch please" I raise my hand to his face and laugh.

We walk over to the atrium and meet with up Jose and Val who groan at the fact that Luke and I are both drinking beet juice.

"I can't believe you let dis bish brainwash you." Jose gags.

"He had no choice." I laugh.

"So how do you like working for Grey?" Jose asks with way too much eagerness.

"It's like any CPO job." Luke shrugs and effectively puts an end to that line of questioning.

Jose then turns his attention to me and we discuss the game plan for Ros and Gwen's baby shower on Friday. Jose is hosting since Ros has no interest in running the show unless it's a business deal. I know for a fact that Jose will lose shit 5 mins into this but at least there will be entertainment that will keep my mind off Christian being there and not being able to be near him. It's going to be... difficult. Being in the same space as him is always a challenge.

...

I'm on my way to Caroline Acton's showroom. She reached out to me earlier in the week and we spoke for a bit. She asked me my current style icons and I told her I really liked Meghan Markle's style for office wear and gave her New York blogger's name for style inspiration for casual and party wear. I told her I like a touch of whimsy in things and liked bright colors but that my style was still more on the conservative side in terms of shapes and cuts. Lots of midi length clothing. I sent her images of myself and what I've worn before and she said she was excited to meet me and would have selections ready for me to try out and choose from this evening. I told her I didn't know all that much about lingerie and that I would trust her judgment... my mind briefly goes to the idea of her choosing stuff for the subs but I quickly try to pull myself out of it. I'm his girlfriend and he wants me to meet this woman just as that... the past doesn't matter anymore. He took such good care of me last night... he loves me. I need to stop being such an insecure little girl about this shit.

"Miss Steele, welcome to my showroom. I'm excited to work with you."

"Caroline, please call me Ana and I'm equally excited to be here."

She smiles at me and gives me a wink. Caroline is an impeccably dress woman in her late 30's. She's in a cream white jumpsuit with a hair in a low messy bun and delicate gold accessories. She's reminds me of the street style stars I see from PFW or LFW. I see wine and some light refreshments set out for us but I politely decline, asking for water or orange juice instead.

We hit it off and soon we're joking as she has me trying on various dresses in different styles.

"I'm really going to enjoy pulling pieces for you. You've got the right amount of mystery and fun going on. Yes... we're definitely going to have some fun" she cheers.

"I'll be honest, I haven't ever really done this... it's kind of addictive." I giggle.

"So tell me, what are absolute no go's?"

"Well, anything above the knee or that shows too much cleavage... I'm not entirely opposed to showing skin, I just would like to control the narrative and avoid any... accidents if you know what I mean." I laugh.

"Okay so we can follow the Meghan Markle rule for things then. Do you have any events coming up or just work and casual wear for now?"

"Just work and casual wear. I was thinking we could maybe meet as we go. My closest is tiny to fit everything we've picked so maybe I can pick things as I need them? I can take a few dresses and some lingerie today and then play it by ear if that's okay?"

"Sure thing, I can store the rest for you and we can arrange clothing for you need. You have my personal number, send me a message or call whenever and we can have it arranged."

"Thank you Caroline, I had so much fun today." I can't stop smiling and giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Me too, it's so lovely to meet you Ana. We're going to have so much fun!"

Luke meets me in the store and helps me with my five bags filled with crap. He gives me a smile and rolls his eyes.

"Don't look at me like that Luke, I know you're dying to try on my new shoes."

He lets out a big belly laugh. "Fuck you, Steele."

I laugh too. "It's a good thing we don't share the same shoe size. Though maybe I should give them to you to help me break them in."

"Keep dreaming. Only time I'm ever willing to wear heels is on Halloween." He smirks as he drives us towards Escala.

CPOV

It's almost 8:30 when I hear the elevator ping from the office. I walk out and see Ana and Sawyer laughing and sharing a fist bump before he heads out after dropping what looks like bags full of clothes outside our room. Once I see him leave I call out to Ana.

"Hey baby..." I say as I walk closer to her.

"Hi Honey, I'm homeee after spending alllll your hard earned money." She says giggling and throws her arms around me. I lean down for a kiss. She's got the biggest smile on her face, there's color on her cheeks and her skin is warm.

"Did you have fun?"

"Lots of fun, Caroline is hilarious and she completely understands my style and complimented me which was such an ego boost given how cool she is... I've never done anything like this... it's kind of addictive... it's game over for you Mr. Grey." She warns before falling into a fit of giggles again. I want to see her like this everyday.

"Baby, making you happy makes me happy." I kiss her again. "Come, let's eat. I'm starving."

"Why didn't you eat?"

"I wanted to eat with you, baby and hear about your day. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah I'm starving too, I only had some juice and like half of Jose's salad which was a struggle cause the fucker eats at the speed of light and it's hard to keep up when I'm stealing from him... oh I also have some pieces of fruit and cheese at Caroline's." She laughs.

"Why did you get your own?"

"I was lazy. I'd rather have something to drink at lunch time for some reason since my water intake is such shit these days."

"Ana, you have to drink water and eat properly."

"oh god, I will... I just... it's hard during the workday."

"What are these juices you get?"

"Oh, there's this health bar that's like half a block away from GEH... they have this amazing carrot juice and beet juice... it's all fresh and I'm addicted to it. Jose HATES it... but I was able to successfully bring Luke to the dark side, so I have company." She laughs as we start to eat.

"I'd like to join you on the dark side."

"I'll get you some one day, when Olivia is not around or maybe I'll have to figure out a way to sneak into your office." She wiggles her eyebrows and it makes me smile. My playful girl. "My favorite is the carrot one, it has orange juice, ginger, pineapple and lemon... it's a great way for me to get my fruit and veggie serving and that way I can eat cheesecake at night. It's all about balance." She giggles.

"I find your food rationalizations hilarious, Miss Steele." I smirk trying to not to laugh.

"I know, I'm brilliant at it." She shrugs and winks at me.

We continue to eat and talk about our day and discuss some of the current projects in the pipeline. I've missed this. I realized we've been apart more than we've been together since we've met and even though we're on our way to a new normal, I have this desperate sense of craving to experience normalcy with her. Years of eating dinner alone and being holed up in the office. Even when the subs were around, I barely spoke to them. I had no desire for the... noise. But, Ana... Ana fill my world with so much beauty and warmth. Hearing her laugh and talk up a storm... I want to hear and learn about everything. I want to know everything about her. She's still such a mystery to me. I can read her body yes, but her mind... I'll never be able to know it all. They way she thinks and sees things... it's an enigma. An entire universe for me to explore and it's vast and I want to spend the rest of my life on this journey of discovery.

Once we're done with dinner, we put the dishes in the dishwasher and I get another glass of wine while she makes herself some tea and we head to the couches and get comfortable.

"I forgot to tell you but I had Jose and Val NDA's yesterday."

"How did it go?"

"It was scary... but they were really sweet and I feel at ease now. I haven't told them the heavy shit or that I'm dating someone, I realize that they would need to sign an NDA for you also so I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it but we're meeting soon for me to tell them everything else. I told them I could only do it in privacy so we'll meet some time next week." She takes a deep breath.

"It'll be fine baby."

"Yeah, I know. I just... I told Flynn this and he brought up a point. He said why are you setting up your friends for failure? When someone tells you something deeply personal and troubling about their past does it make you pity them? I said no, it makes me love them more and want to cherish them so he said, well then why is it so hard to believe that they could feel the same way for you? He said that by keeping everyone at arms length I was still hurting myself but if I let people in then there's a 50-50 chance that they'll surprise me... he gave me your example... that as distant as you were in terms of women and people in general, how surprising it was how you are with me."

"I never thought of it that way. I've also just never wanted to let anyone in my life so we never had those conversations... you're the first person I wanted in that way and as much of a risk as it was... I knew it would be worth it. "

"What if I had said no?" she asks.

"It would've fucking sucked but I wouldn't have given up. I'm impatient and stubborn that way." I give her a chaste kiss. "Though, technically you did say no."

"I did?"

"Yeah, in a way at least, you said we should go our separate ways when we returned to Seattle."

"Oh... yeah... I was just... managing my expectations I guess. I thought you probably... well, you were Mr. Rich and Gorgeous CEO, I didn't want to push my luck. I thought, let me leave before I get left." She shrugs.

"Why do you always belittle yourself like that, Ana?"

She looks out into the distance. "Defense mechanism. As much heartbreak as I have experienced... you think I'd be used to it but... I'm not... still... anyway, I just thought everything was happening because we were in a wedding bubble and everything was curated... I've grown up with good looking and self-aware men like you and I see how they use their looks to their advantage, I wasn't going to fall victim to that. Besides, I'm not really a part of that world."

That makes sense. No wonder she resisted me. She's always protecting herself; she's had years of practice. "Well, I like your real world better." I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're so incredibly beautiful Ana, I don't know how you can't see it."

"Christian..." she closes her eyes for a few moments. "This version you see of me, the one wearing nice dresses and has her hair done and wears makeup, this version is only 6 months old. I spent all my teen years 40 lbs heavier than I am now and wearing baggy jeans and loose t-shirts and plaid shirts, basically anything that could make me invisible after the Vegas shit. In the summer before I left for college, I started to wear somewhat normal clothes and the night of my going away party, it was the first time that I had really dressed up... in years outside of a family wedding. Kiran dolled me up and I looked... different, I started to think that maybe I was pretty you know... But then..." she shakes her head and takes a deep breath. "When I moved to Portland after everything, I went back to that, the jeans, baggy t-shirts and plaid shirts. I became invisible again till Kate really got on my fucking nerves and forced me to at least wear t-shirts in my size. Then I came here and I literally bought some shift dresses from old navy and would wear them to SIP because the dress code was so lax and it didn't matter what I wore... I borrowed a dress from Kate to wear for my GEH interview and I felt like a fucking fake. It wasn't me but I needed the job so... anyway... I had to deal with shit from Kiran about applying to GEH... "

"What the fuck was her problem?"

"Competition, jealousy... I guess... even though your portfolio is far more diverse than AHAK's, it's more on par with KGI's but then again, they're focused on the other side of the world... basically she was like just move back to SF or NYC to work at the AHAK office there since I did so well there before and I loved New York. Anyway she called me after I had told her about the interview and Vishaal was with her, he was at her place and they both were trying to convince me to not take it and I shut them down as politely as I could. I told them I needed to make a name for myself... anyway, she relented and then when I finally got the job she changed her tune and became supportive. A week before my first day we had a call and she asked me what I was going to wear and I had bought a few dresses from like banana republic or something... I was on a really tight budget and they were shitty like I would've gotten eaten alive if this were high school... anyway, she was like I have clothes that I'm no longer wearing so just take them and I'll send you my old stuff as I buy new ones. So basically anything you've seen me in, a part from very few pieces has been from Kiran's closet."

"Well, as beautiful as you look in them, you're fucking burning all that shit now and telling her not to send anything else. If she sends you shit I will burn it myself." I growl but she doesn't react.

"I know my relationship with them both is toxic. Kate helped me see that..."

"What do you mean?"

"After moving to Portland and I started to feel better, I began telling Kate everything and she made me realize I never really bonded with other cousins, like Rania, Karan and Aashu etc. Kiran and Vishaal almost... actually no, they feel a sense of ownership when it comes to me. I only had traditions with them, I only hung out with them, they tried to keep me away from everyone. And even when other cousins were around, I never hung out alone with them... Kiran and Vishaal are just... they are convinced that everyone is jealous of them and they need to own shit... you know what I mean? It's borderline psychotic." She starts to cry but really tries to rein it in. "And the fucked up part is I still feel a sense of loyalty to Kiran because of everything... I mean... when her wedding planner quit, I started to give her ideas for what she could do and she was like, 'can you just plan this please, you have my credit card just charge everything' and I didn't even hesitate because I thought... it's the least I can do.

After everything they've done for me... planning an event is the least I can do... I have all these memories with them you know... she was my big sister when I so desperately ached to have a sibling but I realized that it was just me feeling like I was wanted. She told me secrets and she was cool but she was 5 years older than me and I guess it was the thrill of someone cool thinking I was worthy... you know but Kiran is selfish... she's not been through hardship like my other cousins. She's the fucking Queen Bee in that family, who has been blessed with good fortune. The heiress to a multi-billionaire empire with her brother...

Anytime I would go to SF or when I was with her in New York, we'd go out to eat and go shopping, well she went shopping and I was there for moral support because I never bought anything... we'd play games, like... speak in ridiculous British accents and flirt with the waiters and get free desserts... and it was fun... but after my first year in college, I started to get close to my other cousins and made an active point to develop traditions with them. Case in point Rania, I got close to her after her wedding where she immediately got pregnant... by accident and she's the first amongst us cousins to have a child which was so fucking exciting for me, so I got close to her, it was so easy... I was there for Aria's birth...I'm her godmother, not that we have that tradition in the south Asian culture but Rania said that she wanted her daughter to be close to me out of everyone. I facetime with her every weekend, she sends me video messages of Aria every other day and I reply the same way... sometimes Aria asks for me before bedtime and I'll get a call from Rania to sing her to sleep..."

She covers her face and breaks down. I scoot in closer and hug her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to breakdown... I've just haven't talked about this in a really long time... with Kate we just analyzed stuff but she's busy now and I've burdened her with so much already... I've been feeling really emotional since the wedding so..."

I kiss her hair and rub her back. "That's okay, baby. You can tell me anything you want to... you definitely seem more at ease talking to Rania I've noticed."

"Yeah, she's a lot like Kate for me in that family. I've really come close to telling her a few times but... I also don't want to put her in an awkward position since she's head of legal at AHAK and she works really closely with them both... and she has a really good relationship with them also... so it's just... a clusterfuck... Rania was the first person I called when considered applying to GEH and she was so supportive. She totally understood where I was coming from and was ready to help in anyway she could which is why I listed her as a reference. She actually wanted me to have you sign an NDA, she's not into Nana's honor code thought process but she also said that she trusted me implicitly and knew that I would always have the family's best interest at heart."

"Do you think you'll ever tell her?"

"I hope I can one day. Right now, I have to wait to hear what the Will reading reveals... that will really help me see what the family and business landscape will look like."

"You don't owe Kiran and that fucker anything, Ana."

"I owe them my gratitude. You don't know what it's like to be constant debt to people. I've been in that position my entire life... I know it bothers you when I say thank you all the time and I feel a deep sense of loyalty to people but you have to understand that I never want anyone to accuse me of taking something for granted because I don't... I know how fortunate I am to have everything I have right now... because anyone else with no access to a family with unlimited financial resources would ever have survived when I went through... "

I fucking hate this. She doesn't deserve to be weighed down like this. She's so fucking kind and full of love and she's wasting it on people who constantly take from her.

"Ana, you don't have an ungrateful bone in your body."

"Still, I'm not about to let anyone accuse me of it. It would break me if they did, I'd feel like I was reduced to nothing."

"Baby... you are such an enigma to me. I don't... words actually fail me."

She giggles and wipes her tears. "You mean to tell me a girl from Montesano has left The Great and Worldly Christian Grey speechless."

"Every damn day, Ana. Every damn day and I love it." I laugh. "Come on baby, let's have a bath and go to bed. I've missed taking baths with you."

"Same here. I think I'm only with you for the bathtub and the jet and...just a little bit for the sex." She giggles.

"I knew it, Miss Steele... you're just using me for my body." I smirk and go in for a kiss and slowly push her down on the couch as she laughs. I kiss her deeply as her hands pull my hair. My fingers travel up her leg and trace her thigh till I reach her opening and I play with her... she's drenched and it's such a fucking turn on every time.

"Now you're using me for sex, Mr. Grey." She giggles trying not to moan and unzips me.

"That's right Miss Steele, I'm going to get you dirty before our little bath. A little quid pro quo if you will." I enter her slowly and she tries to suppress a moan. I look into the ocean eyes of my tear stained girl, full of love. I'm so hopelessly in love with her. I place my forearm above her head and stroke her cheek with my other hand. "Forget everything baby, just focus on this... on us... and how much we love each other."

She nods silently, looking into my eyes and slowly kiss her, taking her away from all the sadness.


Friday, February 7th, 2020.

CPOV

Ana and I are the last appointment for the day for Flynn. She seems a little happier today. I hold her hand and stroke my thumb on the back of her hand. She looks at me and smiles. She's wearing one of the dresses she picked up from Caroline last night. It's black and structured and she looks like a million bucks. There's no one in the waiting room so I pull her in for a kiss.

"You look beautiful, I love your hair open like this."

"You look not so bad yourself, Mr. Grey. Dare I say we look like a power couple?"

"I have to agree with that assessment 100%, Miss Steele." I smirk and kiss her again, deepening it.

The sound of someone clearing their throat interrupts us. Ana pulls away and laughs. "We got caught!" she whispers.

We get and walk in to John's office.

"Ana, you look lovely."

"John, you look handsome."

"And if you both are done, we're here for a therapy session." I say with mock irritation making Ana laugh out loud.

"Christian, just because I'm taking your money doesn't mean I can't have a little innocent fun while I do it." He laughs.

"Well, John, tell Rhian that I'm looking forward to seeing her soon."

"I'd definitely pass that along but I should tell you... you're not her type, she has a thing for accents." John says with a smug face.

"Oh shit... Christian Grey just got BURNED!" Ana laughs like a child and we all join in.

We sit together, still hand in hand, a welcome change from our last session together. This feels good.

"I'm happy to see you both are back together." John smiles genuinely.

"Thanks John, I think we're definitely on our way to a better and stronger place." Ana says looking at me. Fuck, I love this woman. I pick up her hand and kiss it.

"So tell me, what brings you kids here on a Friday night?"

Ana looks to me to begin. Fuck... why can't she just talk... she's more articulate anyway. Fine, here goes nothing.

"Well, as you probably know by now, I expressed my desire to marry Ana, I asked her twice and at first she gave me a non-answer and the second time she said that when the time is right she would but that we had a lot to figure out before jumping in a serious commitment."

"Do you agree with her reasoning?"

Before I can answer Ana quickly interjects.

"I would just like to add he asked me twice in 36 hours... just to put that out there." She giggles.

"Still impatient, I see." John chuckles.

I roll my eyes and try to suppress a smile. "Anyway, as I was going to say... Ana brought up the fact that we need to work on our issues before locking ourselves in a serious commitment like marriage. That she wants children and didn't know if I wanted that... that we should continue with couples therapy so that we become better versions of ourselves with each other, together. I understand what she is saying and where she's coming from but... I also know that she is it for me, so I don't see the reason in waiting. When you know then... why wait?"

"Christian, do you want children?" John asks. Always going in for the kill.

I take a deep breath. Truth is I've never seen myself as a father. I never wanted to be in love, get married or have children... I was convinced that was not for me but with Ana, I want it all. If it's with her, then I want it all. I want to see our child growing inside of her. I want to hold our child and raise them with her because she would be the best mother in the world.

"John, I never thought I'd fall in love with someone or have a relationship, get married all that shit... but with Ana, I want that. I can see a future like that. If it's with her then I want all life has to offer and I want to pursue it." I say trying my best to not let emotion get the best of me,

"Ana, do you mind if I reference something from your session during the holidays?"

"No, please go ahead."

"You said that you wanted a husband and children... a stable family. Given what Christian has just said, can you elaborate on your thinking is about all this..."

"I do, definitely want marriage and children. To be honest, I didn't see myself even considering marriage before the age of 28 or after." She giggles.

"Oh hell fuck no... I am not waiting another 4 years. Too fucking long." I say in shock.

Ana and John both laugh.

"It's just that this relationship is a first for us both. He's never been in a conventional relationship where both partners are equal and emotionally invested in each other and I've never let anyone into my life... ever. I just recently realized how much I need to work on myself emotionally and... I'm part of a family and culture that is... well compared to how Christian was raised and exposed to... in a word... overwhelming." She takes a few moments. "Aside from my trauma, there are people in that family I want in my life and I want my life to grow with them in it. I want to expose my children to the same values, traditions and language... and it's complicated... I know." She looks to me. "Christian, there's still so much you don't know and I'm slowly telling you because it's all insanely layered and I can tell that with the little that you do know right now, you're frustrated by it.

For the longest time, even though I wanted marriage I also thought that it may not be in my future given everything I had been through and my aversion to opening up. I had resigned myself to considering a semi-arranged marriage and marrying a south Asian man. I was okay not marrying for love but for maybe for like and respect and that maybe I'd grow to love that person. I really love the culture and language and traditions and they give me a sense of belonging and I wanted to be a part of that because it feels natural to me, like it's embedded in my DNA. I know it sounds ridiculous if you haven't grown up with exposure to this but it feels very normal to me. I never thought I'd meet someone and fall in love, let alone someone like Christian and now I'm trying unlearn all these ideas that I had for myself. "

I slowly nod. "Ana, you deserve a whole lot more than just like and respect and settling. You're right, I don't understand a lot of it but I really want to. There are some really beautiful things you've shown me and I appreciate them because they've made you into the woman you are today. My only issues are with that fucker. Everything else, I know how much it all means to you and I would never want to take it away from you."

She nods. "I really appreciate you saying that."

She takes a moment. "I'm also not entirely sure if I can have children." Tears start to fall and her voice is strained. "I never confirmed it after my accident. I didn't want to add to the sadness of everything I was already experiencing... I still want to live with hope... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to adopt instead... I just, I don't know... I want to carry my own child and experience all that. I want to experience that profound bond of knowing I share blood with someone because I have longed for that. My own mother was such a shitty example of that."

"Christian, would you like to add to that?"

"Ana, whether we have our own children or not, you're right we can adopt... I want all these experiences only if you're by my side. I can't imagine a life like this with anyone else. With you it's all or nothing and yes, I know I have issues too and I am committed to working on them for as long as needed to make sure they don't impact our relationship negatively."

"Ana would you like to add anything?"

"I hear what you're saying and I love you for saying it. I'm not saying that I don't want to marry you, I'm just asking that we wait. There's still a lot that I need to work through... and I need time. We also have to deal with the media shit storm that will hit us once we announce because Christian they will come after me and it will fuck with my brain because they will be ruthless. I just... want time. Because dealing with all of that and my issues, I know it will be too much for me... there will be times I will want to be alone. I lost out on 3 years of my life, there's so much I wanted to do on my own, I was so determined in recovery to get out and become something and I haven't been able to do that... I guess I'm just scared, I'll get lost in your world you know. You have this big life and... well my life is small and simple and I want simple things and... I just want time. I will marry you but I just want some time..."

I get what she's saying. As much as I want to protect, I know there are dangers in my life too and there some things I won't be able to protect her from, namely the media fascination and it sickens me.

"I understand, Ana. I'll be with you every step with they way. I just want you to always talk to me and not shut me out. Those 6 weeks without you were fucking hell and I don't want to go through that again."

She looks down and nods.

"I guess then congratulations are in order, you're engaged?" John smiles and winks at us.

Ana giggle while wiping her tears. "Not so fast there, I don't see no ring on my finger." She holds her hands up and wiggles her fingers with all the sass in the world. "We're going to call this the pre-engagement period of our life or that we're half engaged."

I laugh and kiss her temple.

...

Once we're done with dinner and a bath, we lie in bed tangled in each other, kissing each other as we talk more.

"I heard this song today and it's in French I really liked it but didn't get a chance to look up the translation, can you tell me what it's about? It reminds me of springtime... the music is so gentle and sweet." She says.

"Sure baby, I'll give you an idea of what it's about."

She clicks play and with the first notes of the piano is sounds so unmistakably French as they seep through the bedroom sound system.

I look at Ana and I can she's sleepy but she's fighting it. I plant kisses on her lips and neck, anything to avoid the sadness in the song.

La terre me chante fort pour savoir pourquoi

The earth sings loudly to me, to know why

Quand tu n'es pas ici

When you're not here

La terre me semle froide sans toi

The earth seems cold to me, without you

Impossible de voir savoir pourquoi quand tu n'es pas ici

Impossible to see, to know why, when you're not here

Impossible de voir sans toi

Impossible to see, without you.

The songs ends and she yawns. "What does it mean Mr. Grey?"

"Well, it's actually a sad song, Sans Toi means without you. The chorus especially talks about when you're not here the earth seems cold. It's impossible to see anything without you. That's the general idea."

"Oh... I didn't think it meant something so sad... but it sounds so beautiful."

"Yeah I guess, there is beauty in sadness. It reminds me of when I slept here without you all those night."

She looks down and I see tears fall from here eyes. "I hated sleeping without you too... but I was confused as well."

"Baby, I didn't say that to make you feel bad. I just meant... I love you and always want you with me. The voice notes you sent me of you singing, those would help sometimes to go to sleep but still, nothing beats have you here like this, in my arms. I crave you. I need you all the time. I can't describe it."

She leans in and kisses me deeply. "I'm addicted to you too."


Saturday, February 8th, 2020.

RPOV

I miss my mom. Fucking Nor'easter bullshit. My entire family is stuck on the east coast cause of the storm so our guest list had dwindled down to just 20 people. Which is fine, as long as the main people I like are here, it'll be great. Most of the others are Gwen's friends from college and the art circle. I don't care all that much for them.

Gwen and I have only fought twice since this morning. Usually by 12pm we're on our way to a divorce but today we're doing... well. I can't wait till this baby is out of her body so she can go back to the way she was. I should call her doctor and ask if there's a Xanax for pregnant women cause she fucking needs it. At this point, I need a Xanax and some hard fucking liquor myself.

I asked Jose and Phillip to come by a littler earlier to discuss the game plan with them. I had them sign Grey's NDAs so we can plan in peace. I'd involve Gwen, I mean she has an idea of what we're doing but she's also got pregnancy brain, I am not taking any chances with that. She loves Ana like family...

I take Jose to my office to set our plan in motion.

"Okay, you're sure she's single and not dating anyone?"

"Oh yeah, so fucking single it hurts. It's an NDA situation with her."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, her family is private."

"OH! Yeah I know that. She's from the AHAK and KGI family."

"Okay so you know about the billions."

"Yeah, fuck that. What has she said about dating?" I need to know the gossip before I throw Grey into the abyss.

"Nothing, that it's complicated with the family in the mix and NDA and all that shit."

"Well, now that you've signed Grey's NDA I can safely tell you. He's into her. Like... really into her. I caught him checking out her ass during our lunch meetings... it was... well, it was pathetic. I've never seen him so taken with a woman."

"I KNEW IT. I FUCKING KNEW IT. ALSO, FUCK... he's not gay."

"Jose, FOCUS."

"I know, I know...I need a moment to mourn." Jose takes a deep breath. "Okay, I'm back. So yeah, I tried convincing our little Asexual Steele of the very same but dat bish be fightin me like we at best buy on black Friday."

"I don't blame her but Christian's a good guy. An asshole sometimes but a good guy when it comes down to it... besides he needs to get laid too, he's been getting on my fucking nerves. I'm already dealing with a pregnant woman..."

"I hear you. So what's the plan?

"We need to figure out a way where he asks her on a date and I have an idea but in the event it doesn't work... I need you to step in. I need you to work on her today."

"I can do that, I think. Also, if you plan doesn't work... we should plan a game of truth or dare after everyone leaves... I was already planning on it... but now... ooooh I have IDEAS my friend."

"Fine, if my plan fails... we're going with yours."

"I better get a fucking bonus of this shit if it all works out."

"I got you."

"The fact that us gays are getting the straights together... I mean can you believe?" Jose rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

"It's a fucking travesty if you ask me."

APOV

I walk into Ros and Gwen's apartment and it is decked out in... pink.

"WHERE ARE MY FAVORITE BABY MAMAS?" I yell as I walk into the apartment. I see Ros walk out smiling and gives me a hug. She's adorable and wearing a sash that says mom to be while Gwen wears a crown. I love it. She leads me into the kitchen where Gwen is sitting on one of the kitchen barstools while Jose and Phillip work to make the Sangrias and Val is setting up all the refreshments and decorations, I give her my two boxes of cookies to work with.

I place my gift on the table with the others and join them to make some last minute snacks.

Christian and I stagger our arrivals. He walks in 30 mins later and even though I saw him and had him this morning, I feel that ache in my nether regions again. Fuck, why does he have this effect on me. I need to remain calm and collected and the stone cold bitch that I can be.

"Pretty boy is here." Jose whispers to me.

"Have at it. Stare at him all you want." I say.

"More like he's staring at you. Look how he's undressing you."

Fuck... Chrisitian stop fucking looking at me. I keep my eyes fixed on Jose.

"Shut the fuck up. It's never going to happen." I say in a low voice with clenched teeth.

"You know, every man has the potential to be a convertible and I like convertibles... they're fast." He grins.

"You have a one-track mind and good luck trying to convert this one." I groan.

He shrugs as Christian makes his way to the kitchen and greets everyone. He encourages them to call him Christian and I can see Jose almost faint but he keeps his composure. I continue to cut the bananas and make the peanut butter bites with them, completely ignoring Christian. If I look at him, I'll jump him. MUST. REMAIN. CALM. AND. CARRY. ON.

As I work and fight with Jose which makes everyone laugh, we really do fight and bicker like an old couple.

"Can you fucking move a little?" Jose asks annoyed as he chops the apples.

"NO. You have the entire fucking island, let me work in peace you insufferable Diva." I bite back.

"me estas poniendo de los nervios" he huffs. My knowledge of Spanish is pretty elementary but I can speak enough to tell someone to fuck off, literally.

"No me importa." I yell back and I see Christian's amused expression in my periphery.

"I prefer my hags to not know Spanish so I can curse in peace."

"I prefer Queen's to shut the fuck up and look pretty which you failing at miserably today." This makes everyone laugh and Jose and I fall into a fit and hug each other. As I come down from my laughing fit, I catch Christian smiling at me. God... WHY? Stop, fucking looking at me. Ugh. This is why I prefer large parties, it's so easy to distract yourself and ignore people.

"Ana, can you join me and Christian in my office for a second?"

What the fuck? "Um, yeah sure. I'll be right there." I quickly put the banana and peanut butter bites in the freezer to cool down and clear up some of the melted chocolate.

CPOV

"We have got to stop meeting like this... it's like being summoned to the Principal's office." Ana says with her usual sass as she walks in licking chocolate off of her thumb. Baby, what I wouldn't do to lick chocolate off of you right now. Her tits look amazing in that dress... I need to focus.

Ros and I laugh.

"Am I the principal in this scenario, Miss Steele?"

"The fact that you have to ask... And please, call me Anastasia." She says deadpan. Oh... so we are playing. And Anastasia, not Ana. Interesting.

"I've never been called a principal." I muse.

"I'm sure you haven't been called many things, Mr. Grey. To your face at least." She says completely neutral. Holy fuck, I love this woman.

Ros loses her shit and I shake my head trying to suppress a laugh. She looks at Ros and shrugs with a sassy smile.

"A point well made, Anastasia." I say.

After Ros is done, cackling like a smug witch. We talk about having Ana attend the Gala with us.

"I'm sure you been to hundreds of these with your family." Ros says.

"Actually I haven't ever been to an event like that. AHAK doesn't participate in those kinds of things. My mother is head of philanthropy and while they donate to several charities around the world, my grandfather had no interest in attending events and making small talk. He donated then would show up to the organizations or their satellite locations unannounced to see what work they were doing, it was also a good way to avoid press. He was more interested in seeing how the money was being put to use and how it was affecting actual lives. Parties, booze and people dressed up... all illusions and my mother is the same. She'd rather spend time on the ground and volunteer than go to parties and I'd join her in those visits sometimes."

Fuck.

"I see. I can understand that. Does this mean you're declining?" Ros counters.

"No, I'm not saying no,... it's just that, I'm not sure I have anything to contribute..." She shrugs.

"Ana, it's honestly a piece of cake. You're the queen of small talk... Not sure if Gwen will attend but I'll be there with Jose and Christian so it won't be all that boring. We have a table and we'll be together and meet people as they come to talk to us."

She thinks for a moment and giggles. "I guess hearing Jose's fashion policing won't be so bad."

"Oh god, he'll fucking lose it. If there's anything that gets him riled up is seeing horrible fashion."

"I can already see it. 'Dios Mio... quick someone drape me in some Chanel." She mimics Jose in the most exaggerated manner as laughs and we all chuckle.

"Okay great, I have to go out there and see how everything is but Christian here can fill you in on details." Ros gives me a knowing look and quickly walks out.

Ana looks back at me raising an eyebrow. "A gala? Is this your version of asking me out on a date?"

"No. I had forgotten about this event but Ros said she wanted you there with us." I try to remain maintain a neutral expression. "And also, Anastasia? Why not, Ana?"

"Making the bet more interesting. Everyone knows I only let my friends calls me Ana. You're not my friend today, Mr. Grey." She sneers. "And you know what, I may be a cheap date but that doesn't mean I don't want to formally be asked out on one and you've never asked me out on a date."

"What about when we went to Eloise's. That was a date."

"Doesn't count... or maybe it does but for the purposes of this conversation... you never formally asked me. Eloise's was technically just a hangout. I'm talking dressing up for the sole purpose of having dinner and treating me like a Queen." She crosses her arms.

I can't help but smile. My girl wants to go on a date. Well Miss Steele, you have no idea what I've planned for Valentine's Day.

"Well Anastasia, would you..."

"NOPE! I'm not making it that easy... I'm going to make you work for it!" She sasses. "Now I'm going out there to participate like the good friend I am. You wait a few minutes before following me out... and if Ros asks, we only spoke about the Gala. Comprende?"

I get up and walk up to her and she takes a few steps back but hits the wall. "Miss Steele, you're going to regret this." I say as I lean in... she smells so intoxicating.

"I highly doubt it, Mr. Grey." Her breathing has changed and I can tell she needs me. I need you too, baby. I lean in further while lifting her dress and find her thoroughly drenched panties. I insert two fingers in and she gasps, closing her eyes and biting her lip as I start to fingerfuck her. I smile and my lips graze her cheek down to her neck. I push back her hair and bite her hard behind her ear and she moans. "Christian... please." She's close but I immediately stop and let go. Fuck, now I'm hard as a rock.

"You may leave now." I stand up straight lick my fingers.

She takes a minute to recover and fixes her hair. She looks to me. "Fuck you, Grey. That was not fair."

"I did fuck you and you're right, I never play fair but then again, neither do you." I give her a panty dropping smile and raise my eyebrows.

"You better watch yourself, I'm going to wipe the floor with you today." She challenges, trying to stifle a grin.

"Oh, Miss Steele, let the games begin." I smirk.

...

Ros and Jose take turns hosting and it's hilarious because Jose is not a good host at all. He's mostly just freaking out. I see Ana thoroughly enjoy herself as she teams up with Jose for some of the games. They team up for a game called Blow and Pop Baby Race... I have no idea what these games achieve but I get to watch Ana be happy and laugh. Her and Jose team up and the premise is that it's sort of a relay race, where Ana runs across the room with other people competing, quickly blows up a balloon and sticks it under her dress and runs back to Jose who does the same then they have to figure out to pop the balloon which they eventually do and of course win. Seeing her walk around with the balloon under her dress gives me glimpse into what she would look like pregnant. She'd be absolutely beautiful. Fuck... now I want her to be pregnant... with our child. Walking around, happy and at peace. I want that for us.

I try to stay away from the game participation but Gwen eventually threatens me to join. We're at one of the tables doing an arts and crafts project by decorating baby onesies. Shit babies are really tiny. We have 10 minutes to do it and I realize I'm shit at this stuff. I see Ana, Jose and Val laughing and teasing each other. I'm sitting right in front of her and she ignores me... it annoys me how good she is at this. Once the timer is up we all stand in line and present our latest fashion collection for the baby. First up is Ana, we go in alphabetical order.

"For my onesie, I decide to impart some advice on Baby Bailey, for her to be a ball buster like her mama." She holds up her onesie and everyone claps as it reads 'BALL BUSTER" with flames around it. I have to laugh.

"May your child follow in the footsteps of her Brilliant uncle and be a future CEO." I hold up mine that has "Future CEO" written in simple script. Everyone claps and I take a bow, I see Ana smile at me. Finally.

"Way to make it about yourself, Grey." Ros laughs.

I walk around as the others present their runway worth collections. I walk up to the table where all of our baby pictures are posted. I immediately spot Ana's baby picture. She's smiling with her beautiful blue eyes. I'm filled with emotion at the thought of us having a daughter running around and talking up a storm like her mother and having us all wrapped around her finger. I want that. I want it all with Ana.

A little while later, Jose asks us all to take seats around the couch for a round.

"Okay guys, so this game, you're going to have 15 seconds to come up with an answer. We're going to start with my hag sitting over there looking smug as shit... Stand up Ana."

"WHY ME?" she yells back.

"Because we're going in alphabetical order and don't question the pecking order. This is my show."

We all laugh at their bickering; it's the highlight of the entire afternoon.

"This game is called, name that 'baby' song. You have to sing a song with the word baby in the title. It's fairly easy... Ana, your time starts now."

"What the fuck... I don't know. Shit... Um... Okay I got it." She takes a deep breath to try and stop giggling. "You all are going to kill me for this... but... " she starts to sing in an animated child like voice. "baby shark doodoodooo..." Everyone starts to groan and cover their ears.

"OH FUCK NOOOOO I AM TOO SOBER FOR THIS SHIT." Jose yells and leaps across to the room to run after Ana and she runs away and hides behind Gwen.

"Sorrryyyyy!" Ana laughs as she makes her way back to her seat.

"You mean to tell me you couldn't think of ANY OTHER song?" Ros groans in annoyance.

"Well, it was either that or Baby got back which I didn't think was entirely appropriate for this... gathering." She giggles and looks to Jose and as if they both are telepathically linked, start to say the following in their best Valley girl accents

"Oh my god, becky... look at her butt... it is so big" everyone joins in and we all laugh.

I'm next on the list for the game and I pass. They don't question me but Ros gives me the sideeye and they move on and some people really put in the work for a performance.

We all break every now and then to get drinks or eat refreshments when Ros comes up to me.

"So, did you ask her?"

"No... we just talked about the Gala."

"For fucks sake, Grey... are you for real?"

"Ros... she's an employee, the last thing I need is an HR complaint."

"Are you seriously trying to tell me you're that big of a pussy?"

"Fuck you, Ros."

"You know what, I'm bringing in the big guns. Just be ready to follow through."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Just follow my lead when the time is right."

God knows what she's up to but whatever.

When the last of the guests have left, it's just Ana, Jose, his husband Phillip, Val with Ros, Gwen and myself.

We all retreat to the main living area and take our seats on the couches. Ana sits with Gwen and I sit with Ros across from them.

"Alright, now that the basic bitches have left, let's play some real games." Jose declares.

"God save us all." Ana groans.

"More like God save you. You have no idea what I have in store for you."

"Whatever, hit me with your best shot Rodriguez."

"Oh honey, you best believe I will. We're playing truth or dare bitches. I have the tequila right here."

"Fuck you, Jose, I can't drink." Gwen whines.

"Don't worry Gwen, I don't drink either. I got you boo." She rests her head on Gwens shouler for moral support.

"I can't have sex either." Gwen whines again and we all laugh as does she.

"Okay boo, I can't help you there but I can definitely tell you that once the baby is born and all is settled you and Ros will be back in formation." Ana gives her a hug and we all laugh.

"I miss you honey." Gwen looks out to Ros.

"I miss you too." Ros says back.

"TOO MUCH FUCKING ESTROGEN HERE." Jose interjects. "Now focus, we're going to play. First up is Ana."

"What the fuck... why me again?"

"Because I am sick of you, that's why? So tell me truth or dare."

"Obviously truth, I can't trust you with a dare." She narrows her eyes at him,

"What was the freakiest thing you did in college?"

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH." She roars at him trying to not laugh.

"TELL US THE TRUTH WE DESERVE TO KNOW." Jose yells back.

What the fuck? I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING. NOW.

She covers her face trying not to laugh.

"Ana, you have to tell us now." Ros urges her.

"I am not telling this story in front of my employers." Her face is red and she's so embarrassed and I want to just go and kiss the fuck out of her she looks so cute.

"You're off the clock. We're all friends here, nothing leaves this living room." Ros is dying for the scoop.

She removes her hands from her face again, all red and takes a deep breath.

"I kissed a girl in college."

Jose all but pretty much dies laughing. Ros and Gwen cheer as if they're about to have a threesome and Val laughs while I'm just... amazed and quite frankly a little jealous.

"WELL... DETAILS." Ros is almost jumping off of her seat.

Ana rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Well, for starters, I wasn't this charming version of myself in college. I was always in the library and studying... I didn't care for parties..."

"Yeah yeah we get it, you didn't get any action." Jose sneers.

"VETE A LA MIERDA!" Ana yells and she sounds adorable. "My friend Kate finally broke me down and convinced me to start attending parties with her on campus... but that quickly became an occupational hazard because, I would effectively cock block her... to the point where she named me Steele contraception."

We all laugh out loud and she rolls her eyes again.

"I'm glad I can provide you all with entertainment... ANYWAY, so we started arriving separately and this would force me to obviously try and mingle which was horrible. One night, I show up to this party and I'm siting on the couch much like this little gathering here some people gather around and start to play spin the bottle and of course the bottle lands on me... and Jose will attest to this... I never run away from a challenge. It's a problem... so this guy sitting across from me is like... I want you to kiss me and I'm like... fuck no... so I quickly look around the room and clock Kate and basically offer the alternative to kiss a girl. And they all cheer because men are fucking pigs... present company excluded... and so yeah, I walked up to Kate acting like I didn't know her, and I knew she was still fairly sober because she a tell and... anyway, so I knew her mouth hadn't been anywhere questionable... so I went up to her and was like... you gotta help me out, you can let me kiss you or I'll have to kiss that asshole over there and I need you to save me. So I kissed her and everyone cheered. The end." She shrugs rolling her eyes.

"WELL, HOW WAS IT?" Gwen asks with almost too much enthusiasm?

"It was a kiss. It was better to kiss my bestfriend than someone who probably never showered a day in his life."

"Cherry chaptsick?" Ros asks wigging her eyebrows

"IT WAS A KISS ROS." Ana chides and laughs... "but I'm going to ignore the double entendre and say there was a hint of cinnamon."

We all laugh again. Oh Miss Steele, you are such a wonder.

"But seriously, tell me, tongue or no tongue, did you like it?" Gwen is almost dying now.

"You guys are such perverts. Yes and it was okay. CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON NOW? And for the record, Jose... I know where you sleep and I will murder you one day."

Poor baby is embarrassed.

"Bitch, I'd like to see you try."

"Don't test me." She says with the death stare.

"OKAY MY TURN." Ros announces. I take a sip of my drink and Ros turns to me. "Christian, you're second in alphabetical order today. Truth or dare, though since I'm the guest of honor, I'm going to dare you and not give you an option."

I roll my eyes. I know where she's going with this. Fuck me. Here goes nothing. "Fine, what's the dare?"

"I want you to ask Ana out on a date."

Ana's face whips in my direction and her eyes go wide. She did not expect this and this will be so much fun.

"Anastasia, would you like to go out on date with me? I ask as smoothly as I can.

Her eyes grow a fraction wider, she looks at me, then Ros, then Jose and then to Gwen but quickly recovers.

"Give me one good reason why I should say yes?" She fires back.

All I hear is gasps in the room.

"BITCH, I'll give you 15 reasons why." Jose voice is almost a sob.

"Listen to me kiss-ass Rodriguez, you're off the clock. Besides a billionaire shouldn't have to employ the help of his lawyer to score a date." She deadpans.

"Actually, Mr. Rodriguez..." I begin

"Please, call me Jose."

"Jose, any assistance from you would be greatly appreciated, perhaps even a bonus to sweeten the deal."

"Of course, I'm only here to help." Jose replies humbly.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll stay out of it, Jose. Besides, this counts as two HR violations within the span of 3 minutes." Ana warns. Everyone is looking at us like we're about to explode.

"You know what Mr. Grey, if you're so keen on having me go out on a date with you then you should have no problem coming up with a good reason why I should accept." She looks at me with a fire in her eyes.

"Well, I find you intriguing and I want to get to know better." I say.

"Not good enough."

"Miss Steele, I always win."

"Not good enough. Three strikes and you're out Mr. Grey." She raises an eyebrow and her face is impassive.

I look to Ros and she looks like she's about to shit a brick but also is thoroughly amused.

Time to play dirty. Ana my love, you asked for this.

"Well Miss Steele, given that we've been together since Thanksgiving, I think it's about time we went on a date. I was thinking Valentine's Day, I know for a fact that you're free that day."

She breaks into a smile and mouths 'fuck you.'

The whole room is silent and Ros looks at me like I've grown two heads. Jose shrieks and mock faints.

"YOU FUCKING BITCHES." Ros yells.

"Honey, I think we broke them" Ana looks at me and laughs out loud.

"IS THIS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN KEEPING FROM ME?" Jose sits up is on the verge of crying.

"Well, it wasn't exactly my secret to tell, but now that you've signed his NDA... welcome to the club?" Ana shrugs.

"You guys are lying. This is to get back at me isn't it?" Ros is utter disbelief. "You hate his guts Ana."

"Correction, I hated them. I was actually really mad at him when you first introduced us and I only recently... decided to be not mad at him anymore." She shrugs.

"Wait, how did you guys even get together?" Ros asks.

Ana gets up and pulls her phone and comes and sits in my lap, I love this woman. She rests one hand at the back of my neck and runs her hand in my hair. It feels like home. "Well, we met at my cousin's wedding. She married Daniel Wetherington and Chrisitan here is old family friends with them." She shows her some wedding pictures and Ros smiles.

"THIS WAS THE TRIP YOU WENT ON?" All the dots are now connecting in Ros's head.

"But you never liked him." Jose asks.

"I just never wanted to talk about him but when I met him at the wedding, I didn't know he was going to be there and you all must know that he pursued me. I ignored him completely." She says with a smug face and we all laugh.

"That's my girl, make him work for it." Val smiles and air high fives Ana.

"MY WATER BROKE." Gwen yells and we all stand up in a panic. "Just kidding... making sure you all remembered that this day is after all... ABOUT ME." Gwen laughs. Ana gives me a small kiss and gets up to go sit next to Gwen again. They all look at me like I'm an alien.

"I get it, you all didn't think I was human... well I am and I somehow convinced her to go out with me and she agreed." I say and they all laugh.

"Good job, boss. Just don't fuck it up." Ros looks at me with warmth.

"I'm trying Ros." I smirk.

"Guys, please don't be mad at us. I'm just a really paranoid and private person... but I can honestly say I'm so relieved you all know because... I really want us to hang out together in the future. You're my favorite people at GEH" Ana says to everyone in the room. "By the way, I have a funny video to show you all."

Ana looks at me and laughs. "I'm going to show them our negotiation at the wedding."

I take a sip of my drink. "Not my finest hour." I laugh and we all gather around Ana and Gwen. She first explains the premise of the negotiation and then clicks play. When the video is done they all lose it and high five Ana.

"Yeah, Boss you should step down now. Ana's got it covered." Ros laughs.

We all talk and get to know each other better. Jose and Philip are actually quite funny and having Ana sit next to me with her hand in mine. My life is suddenly so different. I never went to gatherings like this and if for some reason I found myself at a dinner, I'd be itching to get away because... it felt like a waste of time but now, here with Ana, even if I don't say anything, having her close to me, I feel at ease. I want to be here. I want this life.

I see everyone busy in chatter when I lean into Ana's ear and whisper as she checks her phone.

"Baby..."

"Yes, Mr. Grey" she looks to me with love in her eyes and smiling. I've missed that.

"Let's go home?"

She gives me a small kiss. "Sure, let's go. I know you're not used to this so you maybe a bit tired."

"It's not that, I just want to be alone with you. I'm done sharing you for the day."

"You sap, okay... let's go." She kisses the corner of my mouth.

We say our goodbyes to everyone and Ana gives big hugs and tells them that she'll invite them over for brunch one weekend. My girl, always playing hostess.

APOV

We get into the car to make our way back to Escala. I see Christian has the SUV privacy window up.

I look out the window trying to remain cool and collected. He's holding my hand and running his thumb across my knuckles. I know if I look at him it's game over for me. I've been craving him all day. All that banter at Ros's has got me hot and bothered. I half wanted to take him to the bathroom and fuck him. I guess I could've given how everyone knows now but still. I mean all the guy is wearing is a dark grey polo sweater with jeans and leather slip ons with coat that he refuses to wear but that hair, God, I wish he'd fuck me in the car already.

"Miss Steele?" He calls out to me softly.

"Hmm?" I say, don't look at him, just don't Ana.

"I think we should play a little when we get back to Escala." He says seductively. I feel my insides do somersaults. I look back at him while biting my lip because I can't help it.

"Is that so? What did you have in mind Mr. Grey?" I ask ever so innocently.

He leans into me whispering "I'm going to fuck you so hard you'll forget your name."

I close my eyes and legs trying my best not to react. I take in deep breath.

I look back, our lips are barely touching each other and his eyes are dark with desire, I can feel the heat and it's driving me wild.

"I'd really like that Mr. Grey." I say licking his lips. He closes his eyes and groans a little. I too have an effect on him. He reaches down to my ankles and runs his hands up my leg and travels up my thighs to my panties.

"Have you been wet for me all day?"

"Yes." I say almost moaning.

He sinks in two fingers again and it's torture but it feels so good. I lean my head back and try to control my breathing.

"Whatever you do... do not come." He reaches across and whispers in my left ear effectively cocooning me. The heat from his skin and his scent are driving me crazy.

"Christian, please... I can't..."I don't think I can hold on and just as I'm to let go, he stops again. FUCK. ASSHOLE. I take a deep breath and try to come down from this high that I wasn't able to full climb."You're not playing fair..." I narrow my eyes at him. I'm pissed now.

He kisses me deeply, his hand holding my neck. Fuck, that feels so good, how he's possessing me.

"I promise you, it'll be worth it. In addition to forgetting your name, you'll come so hard and scream so fucking loud after I'm done with you that you'll still beg me for more."

I roll my eyes. "You talk a big game, Mr. Grey."

"Oh baby, don't push it." He gives me a sly smile and I have to smile back giving him a small kiss.


Authors Note: I think I need to take a break. I have the ending of the story written and some other future chapters written but I need some fillers... I have some ideas for topics I want to address and I will. I just a little out of inspiration. I'm honestly suprised I made it to 34 chapters. I thought i'd be done in 15 but ideas kept coming to me. I hope you all are well and to all the essential employees who are still going to work, thank you for your service. If there are any readers in the healthcare profession... KUDOS to you guys. you're amazing.

Pinterest: www dot pinterest dot com/paleseptember10/50-shades-of-love-and-light/ - check out board for chapter 31-32-33-34 :)

Music:

Sans Toi - Sarah Natasha Warne.

Baby Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot.