Truth is, I hate leaving you guys too. I decided to split the two fully written chapters in four chapters instead, giving them space to breathe.
I'll be honest, i'm not so sure abou tthis chapter. I knew what I wanted to touch on emotionally but still... anyway, you guys will tell me your thoughts and I can't wait to hear them.
Chapter 35 – high on intimacy
APOV
"I promise you, it'll be worth it. In addition to forgetting your name, you'll come so hard and scream so fucking loud after I'm done with you that you'll still beg me for more."
I roll my eyes. "You talk a big game, Mr. Grey."
"Oh baby, don't push it." He gives me a sly smile and I have to smile back giving him a small kiss.
It's only a 15 minute drive back to Escala but it feels like forever. We make our way to the private penthouse elevator and get in. He immediately turns to me and pins me to the elevator and holds my arms up to the wall making me gasp as I look into his eyes. He presses his entire to body me and it lights me on fire.
"You looked so hot today. It took every ounce of my control not to drag you back here and fuck you." His voice is hoarse.
I raise my face a little and bite his lower lip. He closes his eyes leaning in further and catches my top lip within his teeth. It makes me giggle and he smiles. The elevator doors open and he takes my hand leads me out and to the bedroom.
Once we're in the bedroom, he closes the door and walks back to me.
"Now Miss Steele, you've agreed to play... which means they'll be some rules." He looks into my eyes. "Do you trust me baby?" He asks softly.
I nod.
"Whenever we play, you can use safe words to tell me to stop. Because you can use the word stop and not really mean it. When you say the word Yellow, I'll know you're close to your limit and when you say Red i'll stop whatever i'm doing and just make love to you or give you space." He says as he holds my face, tracing shapes on my cheek with his thumbs.
I nod again. Feelings nerves and excitement run through me.
"What's are the safe words baby?"
"Yellow and Red" my voice is barely a whisper.
He gives me a small kiss. "Wait here."
I start to slightly feel overwhelmed. My brain is betraying me. When he comes back out he's shirtless, barefoot with jeans hanging low and the button undone. Just take them off already. Fuck, he looks like god. His body is literally photoshopped. It's just not real.
He has a red silk blindfold and leather cuffs and something else, I can't tell. IS THAT A VIBRATOR? OH fuckkk. I have one but I never used it, I don't think I even took it out of the packaging when Kate bought me one. Suddenly her words come to mind and I try to suppress a giggle.
"Steele, if you're not going to have sex with a man, then at least have it with yourself. Don't deny yourself girl. SELF LOVE IS TRUE LOVE."
I'm quickly brought back to earth when I see him walk slowly towards me. Like a hunter zeroing in on his prey. I swallow and my eyes are wide open. I can do this, I can do this. It'll be fine. I trust him, this will be fun. He loves me. Cynthia said BDSM is more fun when it's with someone you love. I must trust in that.
He puts the stuff on the bed and proceeds to unzip me out of my dress slowly and gently. Planting kisses on me every so often. He puts me at ease with each kiss.
I'm now standing in my, what I'm pretty sure is, really expensive and new lingerie. A nude lace strapless bra with matching panties courtesy of Caroline Acton. He asks me to remain in my heels, they're yellow and remind me of sunshine... also a result of my little shopping spree from Thursday.
"You look amazing baby." He looks me up and down and takes hands kisses it. He goes to pick up the cuffs and blindfold from the bed.
He signals me to hold my hands out. I reluctantly do it. He senses my hesitation. "Baby, look at me." I look up and I can feel tears about to form. "What's wrong baby?" His face softens.
I shake my head trying to smile. "Just a little nervous."
He leans in and kisses me. "Baby, I promise I'll never hurt you when we play but you have to be very transparent with me. Say the safe word whenever you feel uncomfortable." I nod. "Remember that night when you had your period and I made you hold the headboard, then before I left for Tokyo and then last weekend when I spanked you?" I smile and nod. "This will just be a progression of that. I want to show you all the amazing things you can feel, I want to make you feel things you never knew were possible. I want you mine in every way." He says as his lip grazes mine. I nod and smile at him. He gives me a searing kiss and I almost lose my footing. "I love you baby, we're just going to have some fun." I nod. I'm unable to speak. My body is humming with anticipation.
He finishes putting the leather cuffs on locks them in together so that they are joined, just like handcuffs. Holy fuck this getting real. He goes to stand behind me and puts the blindfold over my eyes. This is it. I can feel my breathing quicken a little. He pulls me back to him and kisses my neck. "Baby you look so exquisite right now, I can't wait to hear you scream my name." He continues as he plants, long and wet luxurious kisses on my neck, down to my shoulder while lightly running his fingers up my sides. I can't help but moan. He stops and walks away.
"Miss Steele, you like to have your way me with out there and I'm going to have my way with you in here." I feel my cheeks flame up and my panties get drenched. He comes closer but doesn't touch me. I can barely feel the fabric of his jeans. "Now baby, you're not going to be allowed to touch me. Hands will always be stretched out above your head. Do you understand?"
I raise my arms. "Yes sir."
He leans into my ear "Good girl."
"The only sounds I want to hear from your mouth are of you singing. As soon as you stop singing or if you touch me, I'll stop. Understood?" His breathing is ragged too.
"Yes."
"Yes what?" He raises his voice slightly.
I have to smile. "Yes sir."
"One more thing and this is the most important thing, you are not allowed to come. Not until I say you can. If you come without permission I will spank that sweet ass. Think of it as a challenge and I know how much you love a challenge." I can sense the smile on his lips as he says this.
What the fuck... he's been denying me since 1pm today. Fuck, I need to come already. I'm dying.
"Do you understand?" I hear the aggression in his voice at my taking too long to answer.
"Yes sir." No sir, I am lying, I am a novice at this, I will fail... but it is a challenge and I never back down from one. Treat this as a game, Ana. You can win. Bring it on, Grey.
He pushes me to the wall roughly, I try to find some respite but placing my palms flat on the wall above me to help my arms last. He takes a moment and suddenly I hear music seep in through the bedroom sound system, it's low but still enough. It feels so full and I realize what song it is. It's one of my favorites. I start to sing along.
CPOV:
Ana starts to softly sing along and sways as she does it. I want to stop her from moving but it's who she is and she looks so fucking hot this way.
I kiss her neck and make my way down, unhooking her bra and kissing and sucking her breasts. I lick and bite them, she loses her breath, writhing a little, still singing as best as she can. I slowly make my down her torso and land on my knees as she gets closer to the first chorus.
Tell me something, I need to know
Then take my breath and never let it go
If you just let me invade your space
I'll take the pleasure, take it with the pain
And if in the moment I bite my lip
Baby, in that moment, you'll know this
Is something bigger than us and beyond bliss
Give me a reason to believe it
Before the beat drops, I rip her panties and attack her clit with my mouth. It makes her jerk and gasp but she continues to sing and move a little to the beat.
'Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(Gotta love me harder)
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder
I move my way up, singing softly against her skin and she moans and her bucks off the wall.
I know your motives and you know mine
The ones that love me, I tend to leave behind
If you know about me and choose to stay
Then take this pleasure and take away the pain
I stand up to kiss her and lift with her legs around my waist and walk towards the bed and throw her on it. She squeals and giggles keeping her hands above her head.
And if in the moment you bite your lip
When I get you moaning you know it's real
Can you feel the pressure between your hips?
I'll make it feel like the first time
I take off my jeans and lie on top of her, letting my cock grind on her clit as I kiss her and run my hands over her. She arches and continues to sing and I hum and I lick and kiss her skin. She's so fucking perfect. She takes instruction so well. I want this to be an intensely pleasurable experience for her, sure the orgasm denial may seem cruel at first but I'd never deny her completely, I will let come tonight, I enjoy watching her come too much not to. I just want to give her an intense experience. I want to own every facet of her pleasure.
'Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(Imma love you harder)
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(Love me harder)
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder
As the music slows down, I flip her on her stomach and pull her hips up with her palms on the bed. I then pull her hair back so she's straddling me as I sing into her ear
So what do I do if I can't figure it out?
You got to try, try, try again
So what do I do if I can't figure it out?
I'm gonna leave, leave, again
As the music speeds up again, I push her down to her forearms again and fuck her from behind with a punishing rhythm. She continues to sing and moan with every thrust. It's perfection.
'Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(I'll love you, love you, love you)
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(Love me, love me, baby)
I flip her again and lie top of her and unhook her cuffs. And slam into her. She half screams in delight. I lean into her "touch me baby." Her hands immediately find my face and she pulls me down to kiss her as she moans and continues to sing and hum the song. I continue to slam into her, I can feel she's getting close but I can also see it. She has the sexiest telltale before she comes but she won't be able to follow through this time.
'Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(Love me harder)
And if you really need me, you gotta gotta gotta gotta gotta got to love me harder
(Imma love you harder)
Love me, love me, love me
Harder, harder, harder
(Love me, love me, baby)
Love me, love me, love me
I pull out of her and hold her arms out and watch her try to fight the high. I kiss her as she does. I'm not going to make this easy on her.
(Just a little bit harder, harder, a little bit)
Harder, harder, harder
The songs ends and soon there's nothing but the sounds our breathing filling up the room. She's aching to let go but she's holding.
"Good girl. I'm still not done with you." I say and I hear her whimper. Her cheeks are flushed.
I lift her and lay her head close to the headboard. She's drenched and tense...
"Hold on to the headboard and open your legs wide but keep your knees bent." She follows through immediately. She's a sight to behold like this. All for me. Mine, only mine. "Baby, you look to die for right now." I might be denying her a release but I'm right there with her too. My cock is too fucking hard and at this point it's a battle of wills to see who will break but I want the intensity of this release with her. "For this next part, I want you to just feel. Just focus on feeling good but remember that you cannot come or make a sound. I want you to remain still as you absorb the sensations. You have to learn to fight it Ana because when I finally let you come, I promise, it will be worth it."
"Yes sir." She can barely speak, she's aching with need. I lean down and kiss her hard and she desperately fights the urge to moan. All in good time baby.
I click play for the next song. I found this in her main playlist and I loved it. I immediately knew I wanted to use it to scene with her but wasn't entirely sure how. Without the playroom I'm having to improvise but there is an indescrible thrill in this too, to experience this level of trust and love with her in my bedroom, where we fuck and make love. A place that is only ours.
I get the massaging oil and pour droplets in time...
APOV
I feel like I will explode. Another song starts... I know this one. I absolutely the original, it was dark and sensual but this remix just elevates it. I feel that darkness swirl in me, the craving and aching need for him to be inside of me. To completely let go and forget everything but he won't give that to me. I cannot let him win. This is a game that I will win... I want to be good at this for him, for myself, for us.
As the song progresses, I feel his hands on me, massaging me with the music. It feels like heaven. I could fall asleep, I feel relaxed but I suddenly hear and feel a buzzing sound. Fuck the vibrator, I forgot about that fucker.
High on intimacy.
High on intimacy.
High on intimacy.
I feel it on my sternum making it's way down to my breasts, I try not to move or moan but fuck it's hard. I try my best to control my breathing and keep still. Focus, Ana, focus. It moves down my torso, over my belly button and he rests it on my clit. As his hands travel up and knead my breasts. FUCK. Don't move. I need to think of something else. My mind drifts to a memory of lying on my back in the pool during recovery. Looking through the skylight at the open blue sky. I'm safe.
My name on your lips
Your air in my lungs.
Drowned in oxygen
Now you've set the scene
High on intimacy.
I try my best to hold on but it's hard. The stimulation is too much, I gasp and I feel tears start to fall from my eyes. Don't make a sound Ana. Do not make a sound. Do not let go. Suddenly it stops. I feel his hands on my ass, lifting me slightly. Oh fuck, I can't hold on, my arms are tired and I feel like my hands are bleeding from holding on too hard. I'm starting to feel numb... like I'm not here as I vaguely feel him push into me in time with the beat. This feels good but the feeling is fading... I'm floating...
High on intimacy.
High on intimacy.
"Open your eyes Ana." I hear him call out to me but his voice echoes. I slowly open my eyes and I can barely see him through the tears. Where's the blindfold?. He moves in and out of me and wipes my face and his eyes come into view. The greyest storm, I know that look, I remember it... that intensity... I feel like I'm drifting away, barely breathing... I see flashes of myself running after a little boy who suddenly stops and raises his arms, the bluest of blue eyes and the unruliest of copper curls. I feel him kiss my neck from behind and caress my growing belly with his strong hands...
"Look at me Ana." He brings me to the here and now. "Look at me baby...I love you." He's still at it but I'm unable to register the feeling. He brings my arms down and leans in for a kiss and I slowly feel myself come back. It's an all consuming kiss, my favorite kind...
"Let go, baby." He starts to fuck me now as hard as he can and I slowly start to climb. I feel him graze his teeth along my jawline as he grunts "Give it to me baby. Come for me Ana... "
I don't care anymore, I lock my legs over him and cling to him like my life depends on it, I can't keep track of anything else. My eyes fill with tears and I let go, I don't even recognize the sounds that comes out of my mouth or the words I say, I'm completely lost and gone...
CPOV
I look into her eyes and they're glassy and her pupils are dilated, she's not really here. "Look at me baby...I love you." She stares right through me, her breathing is shallow... baby's first subspace. Her eyes are the darkest blue, sparkling sapphires... it's never been like this. I've never felt this deeply connected during a scene, I was never taught that. Getting lost in her eyes... I slam into her as hard as I can. I desperately need her to come so I can too. I kiss her and urge her to let go. I know she can do this.
I feel myself get close and she's almost there too, I rub her clit just to make sure and within seconds she screams her release and it's beautiful... tears fall from her eyes and the emotion is too much for me to see and handle. I kiss her mid orgasm and feel myself shake and tremble with her. Fuck... this is fucking intense and it keeps getting better and better.
I fall on top of her, panting, struggling to catch my breath and I can feel and hear her heart beat a million beats per minute. I'm still inside her, I don't want to leave but I'll probably suffocate her if I don't move... I pull out of her and kiss her, wiping her eyes.
"Breathe baby, you did so well. I'm so proud of you." I kiss her forehead, her eyes and her lips and she mewls some form of a response. She's thoroughly fucked, just how I like her.
After a few minutes of kneading life back in to her arms and kissing her I try to get her attention. "Ma'am, can you tell me your name?"
She giggles and lazily shakes her head. There's my girl. I kiss her long and deep as she lets out soft moans. I break the kiss and move to my side and prop my elbow up. Looking at her as she slowly looks up to me, a shy smile on her face, eyes barely open.
"How was that baby?" I give her a small kiss on the corner of her mouth.
"I want more." She says with dreamy eyes. Fuck, she continues to surprise me and I fall even more and more in love.
"Demanding little thing aren't you?" I chuckle.
She shrugs and giggles. "How about I give you a bath and then we eat some food and gain back some of our strength before we play a little more?"
She slowly nods. I take off the cuffs and massage her wrists while kissing them. She moves to take off her heels and I hear them drop on the floor.
"You're so gentle with me Mr. Grey." She muses.
"As much as I love to play with you, I always feel this overwhelming need to shower you with love right after. You've changed me Ana. I crave being close to you and worshipping you." I say as I kiss her neck.
"Hmm I crave you too but right now Mr. Grey, I crave some actual food." She giggles. We get up and Ana struggles a bit, I have to laugh and she sticks her tongue out at me. I help her up and carry her to the bath.
Once we're done with a warm and relaxing bath, we move to get dressed and get something to eat.
"Didn't Caroline give you any nightwear?" I ask.
"She did but I like wearing your shirts. They smell of you, makes me feel close to you." She smiles. I kiss her forehead and we gather our phones and head out to the kitchen. We both look around the fridge like heathens, laughing and taking out way more food than we need. We sample everything, sitting on the counter, indian style like a bunch of teenagers raiding the kitchen.
"God bless Mrs. Jones, I'd totally marry her if I played for the other team." She says with her mouthful of mac and cheese, she's like a small child. It makes me laugh.
"Well get in line cause Taylor is at the front of it and that's a battle you're definitely gonna lose." I tease.
"Taylor and Mrs Jones? Oh my Goddd that is so cute. I can't wait for them to get married now." She puts her hands to her face and beams.
"From what I can remember of your little confession at Ros' today, you in fact did play for the other team for like 5 mins." I laugh.
She covers her face and laughs "but it was a dare and better to do it with Kate than anyone else. Besides you're a way better kisser, you have nothing to worry about." She giggles.
"Technically, you have no experience since I'm the only man you've ever kissed." I say as I jump off the counter and stand between her, leaning in.
"Even better, I'm completely yours this way." She snakes her arms around my neck and legs around my waist giving me a long and deep kiss.
"You think we'll always feel like this about each other and be this in love?"
"Yes."
"What a definitive answer Mr. Grey. Pray, tell how are you so sure?" She arches her brow and cocks her head to one side.
"Well, before I ever believed in the idea of romantic love for myself I honestly thought it was a pack of shit. But after we met, I started to notice interactions between couples, not that I didn't before, it's just that I'd roll my eyes at it and think it was annoying. But I see how Dad is obsessed with mom. He grabs her ass every now and then, hugs her and holds her hand; it's so natural to them to show affection. I see how Gwen will fix Ros' hair. And then when we first met, you showed me so much love in the smallest of interactions, when you held my hand or my face. It changed me. I could never tire of it or take it for granted."
She smiles and kisses the corner of my mouth. "You think Grace and Carrick still do it?" She throws her head back laughing. "That's an image I don't want in my mind. Thank you very much." I chuckle.
"You just have so much love in you, it seems to good to be true. You'd be an exceptional mother." I tell her as I hold her face. "You'd be an exceptional father." She smiles back.
I look down. "I'm not sure about that."
"Why do you think that? Look at what you've achieved, you're brilliant, all the good you've done and how you care about the people you love. You're an exceptional man Mr. Grey." She runs her hand through my hair and kisses my cheek.
"I've done a lot of stupid shit Ana, I have..." my voice cracks.
"Look at me Christian." She orders me and I look up slowly.
"There is something that Nani once told me, she said that the first step in loving your children is to love their mother. In loving their mother you teach them important life lessons; like, you show your son how to respect women and love women and you show your daughter that she is worthy of respect and love and what to look for in a man. And in the Quran it says when a woman becomes a mother, you find heaven beneath her feet. So Mr. Grey, if you love the mother of your children, you'll be alright." She winks and smiles at me.
I kiss her. She always knows what to say and floor me in the process.
"Besides, you think I'd let you be anything less than exceptional? I'd beat you into parental submission, Grey." She giggles.
"Oh I have no doubt, Miss Steele." I kiss her nose.
"Can we move this conversation to the couch? My butt hurts a little." She asks and laughs. I carry her and she squeals.
We sit on the couch all tangled, looking into each other's eyes and kissing each other. She plays her night vibes playlist on the sound system and it's relaxing.
"How many children do you want to have?"
She looks down and her voice cracks. "I know Kate gave you a copy of my medical file so if you know the answer about my ability to have kids, no matter what is, don't tell me. I don't want to know until the time is right. I still want to live with hope."
"I haven't read your entire file, I couldn't get past read about your initial injuries. It was so heartbreaking." I look down and pick up her hand to kiss it.
"I'm okay now, Christian." She traces her fingers on my lips and I look up at her. She picks up her phone and shows me a picture. It's of Carla and her from when she was little.
"That's Carla. I realized I never showed you her picture." She really is a beautiful woman and Ana is the spitting image of her, except she has blue eyes and there's an innocence to Ana. Something that Carla lacks.
"She's beautiful, you look like her but there's so much more in your beauty." I say.
"I guess, a beautiful woman with an incredibly small heart." She says with sadness as she traces her finger over the picture. She puts her phone on the coffee table.
"If I couldn't have my own children, I'd adopt. I originally wanted 4 children, I just want my house to be filled with laughter and love but I think 3 is more than enough, plus kids are expensive and college tuition is like sky rocketing by the year and also global warming... in which case 2 should be fine." She starts to laugh.
"That's a lot of diaper changing Miss Steele." I laugh.
"Yeah but babies smell so good, and when they're tiny, they just have so much power, they make you love them, you're completely under their spell and they need you. Especially when they smile at you and hold their arms up begging for you to pick them up. It breaks and lifts your heart up all at the same time. I can't wait for Gwen to give birth and meet their baby girl. I might eat her up. They're also so yummy with their cheeks and God... when Aria 6 months old, it took everything in me not to bite her cheeks off. So fucking cute." She says with aggression and wonder. It makes me laugh.
I grab her face and kiss her. "I can't wait till we're together forever, crying babies in tow." She giggles and kisses me again.
Her phone beeps and picks it up from the coffee table in front of us. It's a picture from her Nani, of some shoes and some Arabic script in a text message. Ana starts to reply in the same script and sends a message.
"You can read and write Arabic?" I ask.
"Nope, that was Urdu, it looks like Arabic but we have more letters than Arabic."
"I thought you spoke and wrote Hindi only."
She laughs a little. "Okay, so I technically speak Urdu, because that's what Nani, Nita and Alia Khala speak, since their families spoke both Kashmiri and Urdu and in general it's more literary. Nana and Nani spoke Kashmiri amongst themselves or other people from Kashmir who were a part of their generation and for some reason that language was never passed down to any of us. Kiran and Vishaal and most of my indian cousins speak Hindi since they were essentially raised with hindi speaking relatives in India. The difference between Urdu and Hindi is the same as UK English versus US English. Majority of south Asian poetry is in Urdu, which I can read and write. I'm fluent in speaking Hindi but my reading and writing still needs practice. Urdu has a lot of Arabic and Farsi words so I say words like "Dunya which is Arabic for..."
"World." I say.
She beams at me "Yeah, how did you know?"
"I learned a little bit of Arabic when we were trying to land a deal in Abu Dhabi 3 years ago." I smile.
"That's so awesome, Christian. What other languages can you speak?"
"French I speak fluently as you know, I'm okay at Spanish, a little bit of Arabic, Cantonese, a little bit of Mandarin and Japanese, basically wherever we have major GEH holdings."
"Show off!" she laughs, "No seriously, that is so awesome. I wish I knew how to speak them as well."
"You speak and sing Urdu so beautifully, it's one of my many favorite things about you." I tell her.
"Well now you're on your way to have holdings in India, I can teach you Urdu and Hindi." She smiles.
"Or you can just be by my side." I kiss her hand. She gives me a shy smile.
Her phone pings again and it's Nani sending another message in Urdu. She decides to send a voice message, laughing and giggling and she says my name at some point too.
"What did you tell her? I ask amused. She's still giggling.
"Oh, I was just telling her that she needs to chill on the shopping for me, and she asked about you in her text so I was telling her that I'm with you right now and she interrupting me getting to know you more." She giggles.
I kiss her hard, and she drops her phone and she moves to climb on top of me and straddles me and pulls her face to me, kissing me urgently. I love it when she does this. Like she desperately needs me, just like I need her. She suddenly stops.
"Wait, this song is whack. It's killing the vibe." She laughs and picks up her phone as I chuckle and kiss her neck, she can't help but moan and she chooses another song and throws her phone back down and resumes kissing me. Hands all over each other, grinding to the music. She moans softly, humming and singing along to the song and sometimes dancing. It's so hot. She's all mine.
Do you feel me here
Giving you love
Do you see me here
Opening up
No one's ever gotten to this point
Where we go from here is all your choice
Don't let me down
I told you things about me
Don't let me down
I let you put your arms around me
'Cause love is a waste of time if you and I don't do this right
Don't let me down
And I'll keep you around
Can I trust in you
If I give you myself
You're the first to know
And I've had much to tell
No one's ever gotten to this point (No one's ever gotten, no one's ever gotten)
Where we go from here is all your choice
Don't let me down (don't let me down)
I told you things about me
Don't let me down (don't let me down)
I let you put your arms around me
'Cause love is a waste of time if you and I don't do this right
Don't let me down (don't let me down)
And I'll keep you around (hey, yeah yeah)
The song ends and I look at her. "That song describes us perfectly I think. You should add it to our playlist."
"I agree. I rediscovered it recently, when we were on break and it made a lot of sense. You're the first man I've let into my life so intimately and I'm the first woman you've opened up to emotionally... plus the song is kinda hot." She laughs out loud and I have to agree and laugh as well. "You know, we've never just made out. We always end up having sex which I don't mind but sometimes, just chilling like this is kinda fun too." She gives me a small kiss.
"Ana, you never cease to amaze me." I kiss her hard.
When I break away she giggle and shrugs, "I try, I try."
I want to go in for the kill now; I'm dying to know what she thought of everything. "I was going to ask you while we were taking a bath but I could tell your brain was complete mush... was there anything you didn't like? I know this was a little more extreme than what you've been through before."
She swallows and looks down. "I liked it... I really wanted to kill you for the denial at one point because it sucked but I understood what you were going for... at one point it got really intense though... I couldn't really feel anything physically but emotionally... I saw something..." her voice cracks and she looks
FUCK. Oh god, I hope it wasn't a bad memory. I hold her face "Baby, what happened, was it a bad memory?"
"No nooo, not at all. I think I had a dream or something. I felt like I was floating..."
"You experienced something called subspace."
She looks up to me. "What's that?"
"It's a dissociative state in a way, with extreme pleasure or pain you don't feel anything anymore, it's a euphoric altered state. Anything can trigger it, it really depends on how you are as a person."
"Have you ever felt that?" she looks up at me. I wasn't expecting her to ask me that though I shouldn't be surprised that she did, it's only natural for her to want to know...
"Well, I've never experienced it from pleasure... only from pain and it wasn't euphoric it was just a numb, warm feeling when your body just shuts down due to a biological response to pain."
She slowly nods her head. "So whatever I felt, you don't feel that way? I mean... during all that just now, you didn't feel anything."
"No, I felt a lot but I always do with you when have sex, heck even without it. But I didn't feel it as extremely as you did, I was still in control but I've never experienced a connection like this while in a scene because I never felt any kind of emotion... when I removed the blindfold and looked into your eyes it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I can't describe it. I felt so much closer to you, so much more in love with you."
"Will I always experience subspace?"
"Not necessarily, sometimes you will experience and other times you may not... it depends on your body and emotional state at the time. What did you see?"
She looks down again and her brow furrows. I hold her face and kiss her forehead and see tears fall from her eyes. I kiss her lips and urge her to tell me.
She starts to speak with her voice thick and heavy. "I saw myself running through a field after a little boy and then he suddenly stopped and asked me to pick him up... he had blue eyes like mine and hair like yours...and then... I felt you standing behind me, kissing my neck and rubbing my belly as we looked at him." She breaks out into a sob. Fuck, that is intense.
I crush her into a hug trying to keep my own emotions at bay but I feel my eyes burn. She pulls away. "I'm fine... it's probably just with all the baby shower stuff that influenced me."
"Don't dismiss it, Ana. It's beautiful that you felt that... I'm so honored you felt that way for me and with me. I want to be able to give you pleasure, Ana... to worship you and show you how much I love you." I stroke her cheek and give her a chaste kiss.
She nods but I can sense there's more on her mind.
"Ana, baby... talk to me. You can ask me anything, you can tell me anything... you have to communicate with me so I can take care of you."
Her face remains tense but she doesn't look at me. She blinks.. as if she's trying to find her words. I hold her hand and bring it to my lips.
"Why do I feel so low and insecure? If this was supposed to be a pleasurable experience then why do I feel this way?"
I swallow. Fuck, she's experiencing a subdrop.
"Baby, what you're experiencing right now is a subdrop. It's a chemical imbalance, you've come down from a high and intense scene, kind of like a sugar crash because you're no longer feeling those hormones. It can be immediate or a delayed response. This is why you need to talk to me so I can take care of you."
"But I don't feel like this after we have regular sex."
"Well, regular sex is a very different experience. We're both fully engaged with each other and there's an element of spontaneity... this was also your first ever scene and you did so well, baby. Similarly, when I had my first vanilla experience with you, it was... intense and.. transformative and I instantly knew I wanted more of it with you."
She nods but her eyes are still downcast. "Did you experience this too... a subdrop after..."
"I did."
"Were you taken care of?"
"No I wasn't. I wasn't taught that Ana. I was taught control over my emotions and so when I did experience it, I had to learn early on to channel it into something productive."
"You deserved to be taken care of." she says with a wavering voice.
"I did but... I guess it was part of the manipulation."
"What about your subs, surely they felt like this too sometimes?"
Fuck, this is about to get really awkward but I owe her the truth.
I take a deep breath. "Well, the subs I had arrangements with were experienced and knew how to deal with it. I provided them with aftercare that wasn't emotional but elemental I would say. Making sure they took pain medication... making sure they ate well and slept. This, right now, all of what I have with you is new and with you everything comes naturally to me because I want this connection with you, because I love you." I stroke her cheek as she nods.
I carry her to bed and lay down with her and hug her tight as she rests her face in the crook of my neck.
"Can you sing to me?" she asks in a small voice.
"What do you want to hear?"
"Anything."
I kiss her temple and sing a favorite that reminds me of a dream I had after our first night together.
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Among the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
So she took her love for to gaze awhile
Among the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me? Will you be my love
Among the fields of barley?
And you can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold
I look down and she's fast asleep. "I love you, Ana."
Authors Note: More famly dynamics and secrets will be revealed in the next chapter. In the meantime, please tell me what you'd like to read more of. I already know you want everyone to know about Vishaal did to Ana and that will happen in due time, i'm talking about character developments... interactions or character histories. Let me know.
Music:
Love Me Harder – Ariana Grande feat. The Weeknd
Lips (Edu Imbernon Remix) – The xx, Edu Imbernon
Don't Let Me Down (feat. Khalid) – Sabrina Claudio
Fields of Gold – Eva Cassidy.
