Author's Note: Hello readers. As always, thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited, or followed this story after Chapter 34. It's so nice to know that there are still all these Dawsey fans out there, and that after all these years, this story still seems to be attracting new readers.

I do want to apologize for how long it took me to get this chapter written and posted. I know it's not the first time it's taken me two months to get a chapter up and it probably won't be the last, but given how the last chapter ended, I really didn't want to make you guys wait so long for an update. I also really never imagined it would take so long to finish this one because when I pictured what I had planned for this chapter, I actually thought it was going to be on the shorter end. I just couldn't imagine that my plans would take up so many words. But I am the queen of underestimating chapter length or maybe I just start adding in all these details when I write that I didn't plan on when it was just an idea in my head, and at over 16,000 words, this chapter is by far the longest of this story, and as much as I wanted to get something up sooner, it just didn't make sense to split it in two. You'll understand why when you read it.

Anyways, sit back, make sure you have enough time to read an insanely long chapter, enjoy, and when you get to the end, please let me know what you think. Now onto Chapter 35.


Chapter Thirty Five

The smile on Gabby's face quickly turned into a frown as she saw the officiant and then Matt fade away. Turning around she watched as her surroundings, the garden, the building, the chairs, and her loved ones all vanished. It started at the edge of her vision but slowly crept towards her until she couldn't even feel her father next to her. She was surrounded by darkness. The only thing or person that remained was Shay.

Only her best friend was no longer holding a bouquet of white lilies or wearing a crimson maid of honor dress with her hair in curls. Instead Shay's hair was in a familiar ponytail, her clothes suddenly were just jeans and a simple white t-shirt.

"Shay?" Gabby questioned. She was completely confused.

"Oh Dawson. It's good to see you," Shay gave her a hug.

"What do you mean it's good to see me?" Gabby asked once Shay had pulled away, her sense of confusion only growing. "You were with me all day. I just don't understand where everyone and everything went and when or why you changed."

"I haven't been with you all day. I'm dead," Shay gently explained.

"No. No. No," Gabby refused to believe to it. "Why would you say that? You're alive. Matt and I are getting married. That's the truth. It has to be."

"No it's not," Shay replied. "I'm dead, and you and Casey aren't getting married. At least not right now. That's the truth. And I'm telling you now because you can't stay here. Don't give into that desire Dawson. As much as you want to, you can't."

"But –," Gabby started to protest only to be cut off by Shay.

"No buts girl," Shay insisted. "Do you remember what happened before you found yourself in the waiting room at Chicago Med the day the Chief's son was born? The day Lullo's guys kidnapped Brett and me. Only that's not what really happened, is it? He kidnapped Mills and Brett because I was already dead."

"That's what happened the first time, but then things changed. The second time I lived it, Mills was still on Squad with you and Brett on 61," Gabby argued. Just because she'd lived that day twice, didn't mean the second time wasn't what really happened. Things, her life, was so much better after that second time, it had to have happened.

"I know you want to believe that second time was real, but it wasn't," Shay squeezed Gabby's hand and motioned for her to sit. "I'll explain everything, but first you need to tell me what you remember from before you were back in that waiting room, living those moments for the second time."

"Why is it so important to you?" Gabby questioned.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. A noise could be heard in the background.

"That's why," Shay vaguely explained.

"I don't understand. What's that noise?" Gabby asked.

"I need you to answer my question first. Then I'll explain," Shay replied. "Please Dawson. We don't have enough time to keep going back and forth on this. What's the last thing you remember from before things changed?"

"I – I – I," sensing that she wasn't getting anywhere with Shay, Gabby give in and racked her brain trying to remember. "I found a baby girl in the firehouse driveway. One minute I was in the back of the ambo taking her to the hospital and the next I was all confused and sitting in a waiting room at Chicago Med."

"So you don't actually remember what happened. I suppose that's for the best. Although it does make this conversation harder," Shay started before once again squeezing Gabby's hand. "Dawson, you can't stay here because none of it's real. You were in a car accident, and everything that's happened since, my being alive, you and Casey going to therapy, finishing your candidacy, going to Firehouse 13, the wedding, it's all been in your head. You're in a coma, and this has all just been a dream.

"And I understand why you'd create this world. I know the last year has been really hard for you, loosing me, thinking you'd lost Casey. I get why you created this world, why you chose to live in it, why you still want to, but Dawson you can't. This world isn't real, and you need to let it go."

"And if I don't?" Gabby asked because she didn't want to. Right now she had the life she'd always wanted, the life she was supposed to have, a life that made her truly happy. Why should she just leave it behind and go back to a life where she wasn't really happy, where on some days she was downright miserable?

"If you don't, you'll die," Shay answered.

"Would that be so bad?" the words were out of Gabby's mouth before she'd even realized they were in her head. She didn't regret them though. While she never would have intentionally done anything to hurt herself, she was already here, and once she heard the words, she knew they'd come from a place of truth.

"Of course it would," Shay's response sharp and to the point. "You have so much to live for."

"Do I? I've already lost so much of what mattered most," Gabby went on. "You're my best friend. That's never going to change. It doesn't matter if you're alive or dead. You're always going to be my partner and my best friend. And this just now with you being the maid of honor at my wedding that was how it was supposed to be. Now it'll never happen because you're gone. And that would have been bad enough, but you're gone because of me. I've had to live with the fact that my best friend died in my place. If I could go back, I never would have switched places with you. I wanted you to experience what it was like to be in charge on a call because I figured you were about to become PIC, but not at the cost of your life. That was never supposed to happen. I should have been the one to die that day. I'm so sorry Shay. I'm so sorry."

"Dawson, stop it," Shay ordered. "My death is not your fault. I never have and never will blame you. If one of us put me in that situation, it was me. I took the job knowing full well that it was dangerous, that even as a paramedic death was a risk. What we did out there on the streets every shift was worth the risk, and even knowing what happened to me, that I did pay the ultimate price, I would do it all over again. I could never regret becoming a paramedic. Because of all the people we helped, and because of everything it gave me, including my friendship with you.

"I know that if you'd had any idea things were going to get so bad, that there was going to be an explosion and that beam was going to come down, you would have made sure that neither of us were in its path. How could you have known that though? You're not clairvoyant. There was no way any of us could have known what was about to happen. And I know that you would have traded places with me if you could. That if you could go back and do things differently you would. Even if you could, I wouldn't want you to die any more than you wanted me to.

"And I don't want you to die now. I don't forgive you because as far as I'm concerned there's nothing to forgive you for. I know you feel like there is though so I want you to forgive yourself. I want you to let go of the guilt and grief you feel over me. Don't forget me. Keep me in your heart and know that I'm always going to be with you. But stop blaming yourself for what happened to me. Stop punishing yourself. Stop thinking you don't deserve to be happy because you do Dawson. If anyone deserves to be happy it's you. I've made peace with my death; it's time you did too. I want you to live Dawson, to truly live, for both you and me. Your life is waiting for you. You just have to reclaim it."

"Thank you for saying that, but I've lost so much more," Gabby sadly said. "Matt. Doing my candidacy on 81 is one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. It's crazy how eager I was to do it, how excited I was when Boden finally said he'd allow it. I'd been warned, told that it had destroyed couples before. You know me though. Why let something someone says stop me from doing what I want? So I told myself that was other couples not Matt and me. I was so naïve, and in the end, it destroyed Matt and me too. I destroyed Matt and me.

"Maybe things would have been different if you were there. At least then I would have had someone to turn to, someone who I know would have been in my corner. Whenever things got bad, I always went to Matt or you. But I couldn't really go to Matt about work anymore, not when he was my boss and not when he was part of the problem. And I couldn't go to you because I'd gotten you killed.

"I tried going to Mills or rather he offered a hand and I took it, but that just made things so much worse. I'm not sure exactly when was the beginning of the end for Matt and me. If it was that moment or when I screwed up that call or when I immediately said I'd do my candidacy on 81 without even taking a moment to think about what it meant for our relationship, not caring that we'd just gotten engaged and would essentially be putting everything on hold, hiding our engagement from the people we cared about, so I could have a job. I told myself that it's not like Matt's and my life together stopped. I was all about what Gabby wanted in that moment. Damn the consequences or what Matt wanted. Granted I didn't really understand the consequences or maybe my ego was too big to accept that they could possibly apply to me. What I do know is that talking with Mills that night may or may not have been the beginning of the end, but it was definitely a step on the path.

"And Matt and I may have said that we were putting us on hold, that when the time was right we'd find our way back to each other, but things are just so awkward now. And there are these rare, normal, good moments between us that just make everything else hurt so much more. As much as I love Matt, there's an emptiness in my heart now, and I know it's because despite what we said, I feel like I've lost him, not just as a fiancé but as a friend too. I've lost everything he meant in my life.

"You and Matt mean so much to me, and the thought of going forward without you guys is unbearable. If I live, I have to do that, but if I die –" Gabby's voice trailed off.

"First of all, that little comment you snuck in there about getting me killed, did you not hear what I said earlier?" Shay began. "You are not responsible for my death. You made a judgement call based on the information you had at the time. There was no way you could have know what would have happened. You are not responsible for the my death. The only person responsible is the man who set that fire. I'll say it over and over again until you believe me if I have to. You did not get me killed. You did not get me killed. You did not get me killed. You did – "

As much as she didn't want to, Gabby couldn't help letting out a chuckle as Shay kept repeating herself.

"I'm gonna take that as a sign that I'm getting through you to you," Shay smiled. "As for you and Casey, the blames not all on you. Both of you screwed up. Both of you made choices that led to your breakup. He's just as much responsible as you are. What you're right about is that if I had been there, I would have been in your corner. I would have kicked Casey's ass for treating you that way and for letting you go without a fight."

"I know you would have," Gabby finally returned Shay's smile.

"I also would have told you what you needed to hear. That's what I'm trying to do now," Shay continued. "I would have been on your side then if I was alive, and I'm on your side now. So trust me Dawson when I say that you haven't lost Casey. You two may not be together right now. Things between you may be bad and awkward. And you may just be trying to figure out how to have a professional relationship with him, but you have not lost him. At least not for good. You still love Casey, and he still loves you more than anything. As long as those things are true, there's hope that you can get back what you had or find a new future. Don't give up on him. He's not giving up on you."

"Things are so messy and hard, and I just want what's best for him, for everyone," Gabby said. "Things were so much easier here."

"Love is messy and hard but it's worth it. What you and Casey had is worth it. Getting it back is worth it," Shay replied. "I have faith you can get it back Dawson. You should too."

"How do I even know Matt wants it back?" Gabby asked. "Maybe he thinks it's better the way things are now. As you said, he let me go without a fight."

"Because of how much he loves you. I'm sure he had a reason for letting you go, just like you had a reason for leaving, but I'm also sure that reason had nothing to do with not loving you or wanting to be with you," Shay answered. "Dawson you've been in a coma for a long time now, and Casey's been glued to your side. And right now, he's absolutely terrified of losing you."

"He has?" Gabby was almost afraid to believe it.

"Yes. Do me a favor and listen carefully," Shay commanded.

"Come on Gabby. Stay with me. I love you. Please stay with me baby. Please stay with me," it was faint, but she could clearly hear Matt's voice in the distance, pain and fear evident in his tone. She couldn't remember the last time she'd heard him sound so scared.

"Matt?" she called, not sure if the sound was real or imagined. Hadn't Shay just told her this was all in her head?

"He can't hear you. We're in your subconscious, and your body out there in reality is unable to talk. Without realizing it you've been picking up little bits and pieces of it all along, incorporating them into this world you've created, and if you try hard enough, you can access reality for a moment like you did just now. That right there was Casey in reality with your body, begging you not to die," Shay explained. "He sounds a lot like you did the day he got that head injury."

"He was in such rough shape, and I was terrified I was going to lose him before we even really got the chance to begin," Gabby recalled, the ride to the hospital with her and Severide in the back of 61 with Matt barely hanging on, his head bleeding profusely was the scariest run of her career.

"Sounds like now he's terrified that he's going to lose you before getting the chance to make things right," Shay observed.

"Maybe," Gabby said. It's not that she didn't trust Shay, but how could her late best friend know what was in Matt's heart.

"Come Dawson. I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but there's something I need to show you," Shay instructed before standing up and leading her away from where they'd been sitting.

Gabby wasn't sure where they were going or how long they had been walking, but eventually she saw a doorway in the darkness. As she realized there were two doors in the doorway, abutting each other with hinges on the outside edges. The bottom half of each door was covered in metal. Anything pushing against them would cause them to swing open and allow you to pass. There was a window in each doorway too, and on the other side, she could see a light. She was curious about what was on the other side but didn't ask. She trusted Shay implicitly.

They walked through the doorway and found a room on the other side before stopping. Looking around, she noticed a bunch of small, square metal doors on the far wall and three metal slabs spread around the room. One of the slabs had a sheet on it, mostly covering something up but with feet sticking out. This was clearly a morgue. What really caught her eye though, was the metal slab in the middle of the room. Someone was on it too, only there was no sheet and while she could only see the lower portion of the body, it appeared to still be dressed in a hospital gown. A man was leaning over the body, blocking her view. His back was towards her. From where she stood, she couldn't see enough to make out who he was either, but there was something familiar about him so she started walking again, towards the man and the body, leaving Shay standing behind her.

"Matt?" she questioned as she got closer. He was skinnier than she remembered, like he'd lost weight, his body racked with sobs, but the man's shape was still clearly Matt. He didn't respond or even acknowledge her presence. It was like he had no idea she was there, but she knew in her heart it was him. And when she got close enough to see the side of his tear-stained face, she saw she was right. "Oh Matt."

Wondering what could possibly have made him so upset, her eyes drifted towards the body lying on the metal slab, the body that Matt was so focused on. A gasp escaped her lips. She wasn't prepared for what she saw. Herself. She was the body on the slab, the person whose cheek Matt was stroking, whose hand he was holding, the woman he was crying over.

"Am I dead?" she turned back towards Shay, her friend's words from earlier ringing through her head. Shay had said she couldn't stay here that she had to let go of the life she'd thought been living or she would die. Had she taken so long to decide that the choice was made for her? If she didn't choose, death surely would have been the outcome. That's what Shay had implied.

"No. Not yet," Shay replied. "What you see before you is going to happen hours from now. Or at least it could. I'm showing you the future, one possible future. Before you make your choice, you need to see what's going to happen if you die."

Instinctively, Gabby turned around and walked back towards Matt and well herself, needing to see what was going on.

"I love you baby, and I'm so sorry," she heard Matt say as she got closer.

"What's he sorry for?" she asked Shay, his words having confused her.

"Dawson, just watch and listen," Shay instructed. "You're here to observe, to see what happens."

"None of this was supposed to happen," Matt continued after moment. He'd paused after appearing to be overtaken by his sobs. "We were supposed to spend our lives together and instead we spent the last months of yours apart. I wish I could undo that Gabby. I should have spent every moment we possibly could have had together at your side. Of course, you shouldn't have just had months left back then. You shouldn't be here. You should be alive. You should have gotten to grow old. You didn't deserve to die. You deserved to have a long, full life. I would trade places with you if I could. I wish I could."

"I wouldn't want that. I want you to live and be happy," Gabby said as she gently put her hand on Matt's shoulder. He didn't react to her words or her gesture though, seemingly unaware of her presence. Clearly what Shay had said about her being here to observe was literal; she couldn't actually interact with the events going on around her.

Even though he couldn't hear or feel her, Gabby stayed in that spot, leaving her hand on his shoulder until several moments after he'd stopped speaking, Matt leaned forward. She watched as he placed a kiss on her lips and then rested his head on her shoulder, his tears still falling.

Gabby wasn't sure how long the three of them stayed like that. Matt crying and desperately holding onto her body while she and Shay, or she supposed their spirits, stood by and watched. Eventually though, a deep voice grabbed all of their attention.

"Casey," she heard Boden say, prompting her to turn and discover that two men had entered the room.

"Chief. Hermann," Matt acknowledged, causing Gabby to turn back towards him. He had sat up a little so that he was sort of facing them, but he still hadn't let her go or stopped crying. "What are you doing here?"

"We stopped by to visit you and Dawson. Ran into Antonio upstairs instead," Boden explained. "He told us that Dawson had passed during the night. I'm so sorry Casey. I know that probably doesn't help right now, but I am. You had so much faith that she'd be okay. I really admired that, and I wish you had been right."

Matt didn't say anything, simply nodding in response.

"We told Antonio we'd take care of letting the house know. You guys shouldn't have to deal with that on top of everything else," Hermann added after a few moments of silence. "We all loved Dawson. Obviously not the way you did. But we loved her, and we're gonna miss her."

"Love her," there was an edge in Matt's voice as he spoke. "I still love Gabby. I always will. This doesn't change that. Nothing could."

"I…I didn't mean to imply –" Hermann stumbled as he spoke, clearly taken aback.

"Antonio told us you were down here," Boden deftly changed the subject. "Said you were refusing to leave. How long are you planning on staying?"

"Don't really know," Matt replied before shifting his attention back to Gabby.

"Is there anything we can do for you? Take you home? Take you to lunch?" Boden asked after a few minutes of silence.

"I'm not leaving," Matt said angrily.

"At some point you're going to have to," Hermann pointed out.

"I can't leave her," Matt said this time.

"Casey," Boden said gently as he reached out towards the Lieutenant, walking through Gabby as he did so. It was an odd sensation, but she didn't have time to dwell on it as she watched Matt quickly shrug Boden off and then heard him speak again.

"Gabby and I don't get to share the life we had planned," his voice was quiet and filled with pure devastation, like this was one of the hardest things he would ever say. "I don't get to marry her, to grow old with her. I don't get to make her happy, to see her happy, or to be happy myself. I can't fix everything I screwed up. There was supposed to be more time, so much more time, and there's not. She's the love of my life, and I'm never going to see her smile or hear or voice or her laugh again. The only thing that ever made me happier than the sight of her smiling or the sound of her laughing, was hearing her say she loved me. I've lost all that.

"I can still touch her and kiss her and hold her and see her beautiful face though. Even though she can't respond and she's so cold, so unbelievably cold, and it reminds me of the fact that she's gone, those things are all I have left. As long as I'm here I have them, but once I leave, I lose them too. And then I've lost everything. So no I'm not leaving. I can't. As much as I hate everything about this, right here with Gabby is where I need to be. I'd stay here with her forever if they'd let me."

"They won't let you," Hermann said as he approached the slab her body was laying on. Matt was sitting on the left with Boden behind him, and Hermann walked around the right side, stopping when he was across from Matt. "At some point, they're going to make you leave. Staying here longer isn't going to make that any easier. It's not going to bring her back. Is there really any harm in leaving? Dawson's not in there. Not anymore. If anything, you're probably just torturing yourself more by staying here and seeing her like this."

Gabby watched Matt, waiting for him to say something, but he didn't. Instead it looked like he started holding her body even tighter. It was as if he was trying to block out anything he didn't want to hear or maybe he was afraid that Hermann and Boden were going to try to force him out of there.

"He seems so desperate and heartbroken," Gabby observed as she turned towards Shay.

"Of course he does. He is. You heard how much he loves you. It's only been a matter of hours since you died and his world fell apart," Shay replied. "Hopefully you're starting to understand. There's still so much more for you to see Dawson."

Expecting to see what happened next, Gabby was startled when the scene in front of her changed. She and Shay were no longer standing in the hospital morgue. Instead they were in a church, the same one she went to as a child. The pews were filled. Her father stood up front near a casket and a large picture of her. This was her funeral.

"As a child Gabriela was very much a tom boy. She didn't want to do a lot of "girly things" as she put it, usually with a hint of disdain. When she was five, her mother and I signed her up for ballet lessons. She spent the first two classes mostly sulking in the corner, refusing to participate. During her third class, she snuck out. The teacher didn't even notice. It was only at the end of class when Gabby didn't come out with the other kids that anyone realized she was gone. Of course, I got a frantic call from Camila moments later and rushed over there. Camila and all the staff were anxiously searching every nook and cranny in the dance studio looking for her. She wasn't in the dance studio though. There was a karate studio right next store, and as I passed it, I happened to notice in a class of middle school-aged boys, a little girl in a tutu, in the back of room, happily kicking and punching away as she tried to follow along, no one in the room even seemingly aware that she was there," Ramon's story drawing a chuckle from many in the crowd. "Suffice to say Gabby never went back to ballet, and a few days later we signed her up for karate. Even then Gabriela was of her own mind. No one was going to tell her what to do. She was going to carve her own path, and that's what she did throughout her life.

"There was one thing she did though that was more of a girly thing, and that was she played with her dolls. Of course, she didn't play with them in the same way most girls did. No, she was Dr. Dawson, and her dolls were her patients, whether she was listening to their hearts or lungs with her toy stethoscope or wasting a package of band aids on their imaginary wounds. Her whole life, all Gabriela wanted to do was help people, and that's what she did. As a child her dolls had to stand in for people, but as an adult, the people were real. She may have never have become a doctor, but she did become a paramedic and then a firefighter, dedicating her life to helping strangers when they needed it most. The need to help and desire to serve her community that she possessed her whole life are things I will always be proud of. They're what I hope all of you will remember most about my little girl," with that Gabby watched her father fold up a piece of paper and step down from the lectern.

"Your father is going to give a nice eulogy Dawson. I know we only heard part of it, but I'm sure the rest of it will be nice too. He shouldn't have to give it though. No parent should have to eulogize their child," Shay said.

"I know. Is this what you wanted me –" Gabby replied before cutting herself off after hearing the next words that were said in the church.

"Next Gabriela's fiancée Matt wanted to say a few words as well," Father Lopez, the priest at the church Gabby attended as a child, said. It didn't surprise her that he'd be the one officiating her funeral rather it was his words that caught her attention.

"Fiancée?" a confused Gabby asked Shay. Hearing Matt referred to that way was the last thing she was expecting.

"Everyone knows you two weren't technically still engaged, but they also know that you both still wanted to be. It's easier to for everyone to call him your fiancée, especially since that's how it should have been, and the word fiancée better honors your relationship," Shay explained.

"Thank you," the sound of Matt's shaky voice drew Gabby's attention back to the lectern, where he stood in a dark suit. He looked more composed than he did in the hospital morgue, but the heartbroken and lost look hadn't left his eyes. She could tell that this was still really hard from him. "I've spent a lot of time over the past few days trying to figure out what to say today, trying to find the words that could adequately reflect the incredible, amazing woman that Gabby was or that could express just how much and how deeply I love her. The truth is that there's no way to quantify how much I love her, and there are no words that could truly do Gabriela Dawson justice.

"Gabby was. No Gabby is the most strongest, bravest, kindest, most passionate woman I will ever know," Matt paused to wipe the tears that had started to fall from his eyes and take a few deep breaths. "Her fierceness and determination made her not just an amazing first responder but an absolutely incredible human being. She's the best of us, and I'm the luckiest man in the world to have been loved by her. I will spend every moment of every day of the rest of my life missing her, and I know I'm not the only one here who will. Gabby…Gabby," Matt started to stumble, his obvious efforts from earlier to keep himself composed having failed. The tears only flowing faster the more he spoke. "I'm…I'm sorry," he managed to get out. "I can't."

Then Gabby was forced to watch as the man she loved broke down in front of a church full of people over the fact that she was dead. The tears flowing freely now. His body being racked with uncontrollable sobs. Even though she knew she wasn't really there and that he wouldn't notice or react to her presence, she still tried to go to him, her love for him driving an instinctual need to be in a position to comfort him. She couldn't move though. Whatever was allowing Shay to show all this to her was also making sure she stayed rooted to her spot, like it was trying to remind her that she would never be able to help him if she died.

Hermann and Severide were making their way towards him though. The sight of them walking quickly in their dress uniforms was the only thing that gave her any sort of comfort. Seeing Matt in such distress ate at her.

"It's okay Casey," Severide said as he and Hermann reached the lectern only to get no response from Matt. "What do you say we get you down from here?" he calmly asked, his firefighter tone shining through.

When Matt once again failed to respond, Severide put a hand on the man's back, guiding him away from the lectern and back towards his seat in the front pew with her family.

"So I wasn't planning on saying anything, but I've known Dawson just as long as Casey has and him even longer than her. I was there to watch Dawson go from one hell of a paramedic to someone who was on her way to becoming a damn good firefighter. Perhaps more importantly though, I got to see their journey from coworkers to best friends to lovers," Hermann had started to speak.

"Thank you Hermann," Gabby said. She got the sense that his unplanned eulogy was an attempt to get the focus off of Matt, his breakdown and his grief, and she was grateful for that. It was good to see that even if she wasn't here, he still had people who cared for him, who would help him.

Suddenly they were no longer in they were no longer in the church. Gabby found that she and Shay were standing in a cemetery around sunset. In front of them, Matt was sitting on the ground next to what looked like a fresh grave. There wasn't a headstone or grass covering the dirt yet. Really the only thing on the dirt was Matt's hand. No one else was around.

"I'm sorry Gabby," Matt said as it hit Gabby. This was her grave. "About earlier I mean. I didn't mean to break down like that. I wanted to stand up there and honor you, your life, our love," as Matt continued Gabby realized it must be later the same day. After her funeral. After she was buried. Matt just hadn't left the cemetery with everyone, staying at her graveside. "That's what you deserved. Not what I wound up doing. Then again you never deserved any of this. Still, it's just another way I failed you."

"Failed me. He never failed me. If anything, I failed him," Gabby said to Shay.

"Just because that's your perspective doesn't mean it's his," Shay pointed out. "That's something I need you to understand."

Before Gabby could respond, the scene changed again. Now they were in a bar. It wasn't Molly's or any other place that Gabby recognized. Matt was sitting at the bar. His face was all scruffy. He looked tired, but it wasn't just that. All the light was gone from his eyes.

"Hey. Hey. Hey," he called frantically, trying to get the bartender's attention after Gabby watched him down a shot. "Can I get another one?" he added once the bartender got back to him.

Gabby watched as the bartender poured him a shot of scotch, and Matt downed it. She was taken aback as she watched the same dance play out between the two men multiple times over the course of the next fifteen minutes, and she was pretty sure it was only that long, if you could call it long, because the bartender was taking his time getting back to Matt. She'd always known Matt to enjoy a good beer, but this was a side of Matt she wasn't sure she'd ever seen.

"Maybe try something a little lighter," the bartender said after Matt flagged him down for the fourth time since Gabby and Shay had been watching.

"Another one," Matt replied as he held his shot glass in the air or at least that's what Gabby though he said. He was slurring his words.

"At least have some water," the bartender handed Matt a glassful before pouring him another shot.

"He shouldn't be telling Matt to have some water. He should be insisting on it and cutting him off," Gabby said angrily to Shay. "If you or I were behind the bar at Molly's, we would never let a customer get that drunk." The fact that some nameless bartender at some unknown bar was just standing by and helping Matt drink himself into oblivion pissed her off.

Before Shay could reply, the door to the bar opened. For some reason, Gabby instinctively turned towards it only to discover Severide walking in.

"Oh, thank God," Gabby was relieved that someone who cared about Matt was here, someone who might be able to get through to him.

"Casey," Severide called as he walked through the bar, Gabby and Shay hot on his heels even if he didn't know it. When he didn't get a response, he tried several more times to no avail. When he reached Matt's side, he tapped Matt's shoulder. That failed too, only at this point, the bartender had just stopped over to give Matt another shot. As soon as it was poured, Severide reached and managed to grab it before Matt could, finally getting a reaction.

"Hey, give that back," Matt slurred.

"I don't think so," Severide replied. "Not when this was the only way to get your attention."

"And when he's clearly about ten stops past plastered," Gabby muttered.

"Well, maybe I just want to be left alone," Matt told Severide. "How'd you find me anyways?"

"You weren't at home. The place was too clean for you to have been there much today, and I know you've stopped going to Molly's because Hermann actually cuts you off so –" Severide started to explain.

"That's not why I don't go to Molly's," Matt interrupted.

"Then why not?" Severide asked.

"Same reason I'm here," Matt muttered.

"That doesn't make any sense," Gabby turned towards Shay. "He's obviously here to drink. He could just as easily drink at Molly's unless it goes back to what Severide said about Hermann cutting him off despite what Matt said about that not being it."

"Will you just listen to them," Shay sounded a little exasperated. Although Gabby wasn't sure why. She had mostly been watching. "Give their conversation a chance to answer your question and explain why you need to see this."

"Dawson," Severide said quietly.

Matt obviously heard it though; the way his expression changed made that clear. It reminded her of the devasted look she's observed on him in the morgue and at her funeral, and it was enough for her to understand that this was part of how he was coping, or probably not coping, with her death. He was drinking to dull the pain and avoiding Molly's because of its connection to her.

"You still haven't explained how you found me," Matt quickly changed the subject.

"I remembered finding a few receipts from this place thrown around over the past few weeks," Severide resumed his explanation. "Figured it was worth a shot."

"Well, it worked," Matt replied before turning his attention back to the bartender as he walked by. "Hey Rodney, get my friend here a drink, whatever he wants."

"No thanks," Severide shooed the bartender away.

"Why you here anyways if you didn't want to drink?" Matt asked.

"To check on you," Severide replied. "And it's a good thing I did."

"I'm not a child," despite how drunk he was, Matt sounded annoyed.

"No, you're just a drunk," Severide shot back.

"I'm not. I can stop drinking any time," Matt tried to argue, but the fact that once he finished talking he finally managed to get his shot glass back from Severide and downed its contents, didn't really support his point.

"Then prove it," Severide challenged.

"Why should I?" Matt countered. "I don't owe you anything. I don't owe anyone anything."

"What about Dawson?" Severide asked. "I know she's not here, but don't you owe her more than this? Is this really how you want to honor her memory?"

"Don't you dare go there," Matt warned.

As she watched the interaction between the two men, Gabby noticed a shift in their demeanor, especially Matt's, and she didn't understand it. Until now, he'd seemed sad and lost, and that made sense to her. Despite where they'd ended up, she knew her death would sadden him. She had once meant too much to him for it not to. What she had witnessed in the morgue and at her funeral told her that she still meant that much to him. Now though he suddenly seemed so angry, and she hadn't expected that. It didn't fit in with the Matt she knew. Sure, he was protective of her, but he didn't get mad and hostile. Okay, he had a few times, but that was always in defense of her or someone else he cared about. Directing it towards his best friend, who was only trying to help, that was something new.

"Come on Casey. The constant drinking. Your refusal to stop wallowing in your misery and let anyone in. You know she wouldn't want that for you," Severide argued.

"No, I don't," Gabby agreed. "Please listen to him Matt." She couldn't resist the urge to put a hand on his shoulder. She would have liked to do more, to wrap him in a hug, but she knew that wasn't possible. When they had been together, they had both at times sought comfort in the other's touch or even presence, but now, when she might not even really be here, when she couldn't actually interact with what was going on around her, when all she could do was listen and watch as Shay had instructed, her touch had no effect. Matt wasn't even aware of it.

"You don't get to talk about Gabby," Matt seemed to be growing even angrier.

"Why not?" Severide questioned rhetorically, continuing before Matt had the chance to respond. "If Dawson could see you now, like this, it would break her heart. Pretty much everything you've done since she died, since she got into that accident really, would break her heart."

"I told you not to talk about Gabby. Don't say her name. You don't deserve to," Matt barked.

"What's gotten into you baby?" Gabby muttered. Severide said something else in response, but feeling like she'd gotten the gist of this, Gabby didn't pay much attention to his words, focusing instead on her worry for Matt.

"Loosing you has a lot to do with it," Shay answered since Matt couldn't.

"I know but –" Gabby started only to immediately pause as she caught sight of the scene that was playing out in front of her. Whatever Severide had said had clearly pissed Matt off and sent him over the edge as Matt was suddenly getting up from his barstool and decking Severide in the jaw.

"I told you to shut up," Matt screamed angrily as Severide got up from his own barstool.

"You want to hit me Casey? That it? Well, go ahead and hit me," Severide challenged as Matt took another swing, this time missing the man's face but getting him in the shoulder.

"Hey. Hey. Break it up," Rodney, the bartender called, signaling for two other patrons to intervene.

"That make you feel better?" Severide asked as Casey took another swing. This time the Squad lieutenant did just enough to defend himself as he slightly shoved Matt away just as the other patrons arrived to try to restrain both men.

Before Gabby could see what happened next, things changed again. Suddenly, she and Shay were standing in what appeared to be the bullpen of a CPD District. It wasn't District 21 though or any other District that Gabby was familiar with. Severide was sitting in a chair next to a desk though.

"Here," a young officer in a patrolman's uniform came up to Severide and handed him a plastic bag filled with ice.

"Thanks," Severide replied as he put the ice up to his clearly bruised jaw. It was enough for Gabby to surmise that this was right after the fight she'd just witnessed, and that this must be the closest District to whatever bar Matt had been seeking refuge in.

"For pulling you out of the drunk tank or the ice?" the officer asked.

"For the ice. Although both I guess," Severide said.

"Well, you don't seem to be drunk, and from what the other patrons said, you weren't the one who started the fight," the officer explained.

"I'm not pressing charges if that's what this is about," Severide informed the cop.

"Severide," a familiar voice caught Gabby's attention, and she turned to see her brother walking towards her friend.

"Antonio, what are you doing here?" Severide seemed surprised to see the man.

"You must be Detective Dawson," the patrolman observed.

"I am. Are you the officer who called me?" Antonio replied.

"Yes. Officer Jack Key," the patrolman answered.

"Nice to meet you," Antonio reached out to shake the man's hand before turning his attention to the man sitting in the chair in front of him. "And to answer your question Severide, Officer Key here called to tell me that he'd arrested a man in a bar fight who had my card in his wallet. Said he figured it was probably one of my CI's or something, and I'd want to know. Was it you?"

"I don't even have your card so it couldn't have been me. Must have been Casey," Severide surmised.

"That's right. We brought in a Matthew Casey along with this guy," Officer Key pointed towards Severide. "Matthew was the one who had your card in his wallet."

"I had a feeling it was him when I got the call," Antonio said.

Her brother's words made Gabby uneasy and even more worried. There had to be a reason Antonio's mind would have gone to Matt getting into a bar fight and arrested, and she couldn't imagine the reason would be good. Was this something that was happening often? Matt getting arrested, and Antonio getting called? The only possible silver lining was that Antonio showing up meant that her brother still cared about the man she loved.

"This happen before?" Severide asked.

"No. I know he's gotten into a bar fight before. He had a black eye when I saw him at Gabby's grave a couple months ago. I assume you saw the black eye too," Antonio started.

Months. Gabby winced at the word. The idea that Matt could be like this for months, feeling like a punch to the gut.

"Yeah. I remember a black eye. He wouldn't tell me or Boden or anyone else I saw ask what happened though," Severide supplied.

"I think he only told me because of where we were; he couldn't bring himself to lie or evade in front of Gabby," Antonio continued. "That's not really the point though. If he's gotten arrested for a bar fight or anything else, I never knew about it. A CI probably wouldn't have been carrying my card. And well, I may not know the specifics, but I've got a good idea of how much Casey's been drinking, and I know how mad he's been. It just made sense. What exactly happened?"

"I managed to track him down to this bar. I'd never been, but from what I can tell, Casey's been spending a lot of time there. He was completely wasted by the time I got there. I was intending to just try to get him to stop drinking for the night and to get him back to the apartment in one piece, but we started getting into it before I could even get the conversation to go in that direction. Then I really hit a nerve when I brought up how Gabby would react to what he was doing to himself. That's when he decked me, and then we wound up here," Severide explained. "I was trying to help, but now I think I just made things worse."

"No. You did the right thing. This is on him. Not you," Antonio assured the Squad lieutenant before turning his attention to Officer Key. "Matt's my brother-in-law or at least he was supposed to be. My sister died about eight months ago, and he's been a mess ever since."

"That's why I don't want to press charges. Not just because he's my friend, but because he's already dealing with so much. He doesn't need to be charged with assault or anything on top of everything else. He just needs help. He needs to figure out how to cope with what happened and get his head back on straight so that he can move forward. Nothing here's gonna help with that," Severide added.

"Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is to leave them here or to press charges and hope it serves as a wakeup call," Officer Key pointed out.

"Well, let's hope things don't get there," Severide responded. Although Gabby had a feeling that Officer Key was suggesting that Matt might already be there.

"Just let us get him home and sobered up. Maybe then we can try to talk some sense into him," it seemed that Antonio agreed with Severide. "Hopefully, just getting arrested was enough of a wake up call to him."

"Your call Detective," Officer Key addressed Antonio. "Just don't be surprised if you wind up back here again."

"Just bring him up here," Antonio appeared to grow impatient, but it was enough for Officer Key to head off, presumably to get Matt out of the drunk tank.

"Thanks Man," Severide told Antonio once the patrolman was gone.

"You're right he doesn't need this, but Officer Key's right too. Casey can't keep acting like this, and if he gets arrested for a bar fight again, I can't guarantee I'll get him out. But I owe it to my sister to try to look out for him. He needs help. This behavior has to stop," Antonio warned Severide.

"I know. I tried tonight, and I'll try again tomorrow when he's hopefully sober. I just wish I knew what to do to get him to listen," Severie replied.

"Has anyone thought about having a group intervention?" Antonio asked.

"We tried. He wound up storming out and going straight to a bar," Severide's response prompted Antonio to shake his head.

"I can swing by tomorrow and try. Gabby would want me to," Antonio offered.

"Thanks," Severide said just as Officer Key returned with Matt in tow. Severide turned towards his friend and spoke again. "How you doing Casey?"

"Where's my stuff?" Matt ignored Severide's question. From Gabby's perspective, he seemed slightly less drunk than he did at the bar, but he was certainly still trashed.

"In the property office," Officer Key replied. "I can get it. Just stay here with your friends."

"I assume you were the one who got me out of there," Matt turned his attention to Antonio.

"I was but don't make a habit of it," Antonio instructed. "Now I think you owe Severide an apology."

"For what?" Matt seemed completely taken aback by Antonio's last remark.

"Jeez. I don't know. For hitting him," Antonio sounded a little annoyed.

"He deserved it," Matt defended himself.

"Why? For worrying about you?" Antonio questioned. "Here's a news flash for you Matt. Everyone who knows you is worried about you. You gonna hit all of us too?"

"Not the worrying. Although it was annoying. For everything," Matt answered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Severide finally injected himself into the conversation.

"You know exactly what it means," Matt said angrily. While Severide shook his head in response, Matt started walking away.

"Where do you think you're going?" Antonio asked as he moved to restrain Matt.

"Anywhere but here," Matt shot back.

"How's that going to work anyways Casey?" Severide asked. "You don't have your wallet or your keys or your phone back yet."

"Fine, I'll wait for them, and then I'm out of here," Matt replied.

"Yeah, that's not happening. At least not in the way you want it to," Antonio insisted. "We're waiting for your stuff, and then Severide is getting you home and in bed."

"I don't think so," Matt tried to break free from Antonio's grasp.

"I got you out of here. That's the deal," Antonio replied. "You can go home, or you can go back to the drunk tank. Your choice."

"I'll go home, but not with Severide," Matt sort of gave in.

"There's no way you're driving. You're too drunk, and you two live together so your going to the same place. It makes sense that Severide would just take you with him," Antonio pointed out. "You guys can go back for your car tomorrow or something."

"Yeah, well we won't be living together much longer so no need to keep acting like we do," Matt said.

"One of you planning on moving or something?" Antonio asked.

"No. I wouldn't read too much into what he's saying. Every so often he decides he's kicking me out or at least threatens to. Never follows through though. Usually forgets he made the threat once he sobers up," Severide explained.

"I'm serious this time," Matt insisted.

"Either way it's not like Severide can move out in the middle of the night so you two might as well go back to your apartment together," Antonio tried to reason.

"I'm not getting into a car with him. Once I get my stuff back, I'll get an uber or something," Matt wasn't giving in.

"And then we have no guarantee that you'll actually go home. I don't think so," Antonio let out a deep sigh. "You can go with Severide or you can spend the rest of the night here."

"You know a night in jail suddenly doesn't sound so bad," Matt claimed.

"I've seen enough," Gabby burst as she turned back towards Shay. Seeing Matt like this was completely devastating, and she wasn't sure she could take anymore of it. The angry drunk she was watching interact with Severide and her brother was nothing like the man she had fallen in love with. This was a Matt she didn't recognize, and she didn't like it. She knew her death would be hard on him, but this? He'd been lost after Hallie died, and if he really did still love her, she would understand if her own death left him lost as well. Mad at the world though. That was the last thing she was expecting.

"Of course, he's mad at the world. He lost you, or more precisely, he feels like the world took you from him," it was like Shay could read her thoughts. Given what was going on, maybe her best friend could. "I know this is hard to watch. I may not be in love with him or have any desire to get down and dirty with him like you do, but I care about Casey. He's my friend. I don't like seeing him like this. You need to though Dawson. I'm sorry, but you do. It's the only way I can make you understand. So maybe you don't need to see more of this particular night, but there is more you need to see."

"Only if it's the point where Matt starts healing and becoming himself again or something afterwards," Gabby insisted even though she suspected she didn't really have any say in the matter. She did however remember that after Hallie died, he'd eventually hit bottom and pulled himself back together. It had taken some time, but he did it, and she didn't see why her death would ultimately be any different. Maybe it would take longer, but one day Matt would be okay. He had to be.

"I'm sorry sweetie," Shay said as she squeezed Gabby's shoulder.

And with that the scene changed again. They'd left behind the unfamiliar CPD District for the familiar confines of Boden's office at Firehouse 51. Just as Gabby was starting to wonder why she and Shay were in this room when no one else was, the Chief marched into his office, a look of pure fury covering his face, and Matt right behind him.

"Casey close the door," Boden ordered, his angry tone a perfect match for the look on his face.

Matt did as instructed and then leaned against the far wall. He crossed his arms, but the look on his face remained completely indifferent. It seemed to Gabby like Matt was clearly in trouble and just didn't care. It was another way in which he wasn't acting like himself.

"I've given you a lot of slack, let things slide that I probably shouldn't have, because I knew you were hurting, and I never thought you'd do anything that would risk your men, that you'd let what's been going on with you impact your ability to do the job or affect your judgement on a call. Now though," Boden paused just long enough to shake his head. "You are an officer of this house. You want to push everyone away and spend most of shift locked in your office that's fine. You don't need to still be friends with your men if you don't want to, but you do need to lead them. You need to be present enough to lead them, and part of leading them is setting an example."

Boden paused again. It was longer this time as if he was waiting for Matt to explain himself. Gabby waited for it too. Only it didn't come. Matt just stood there staring straight ahead; the indifferent look never leaving his face. Gabby couldn't help but stiffen as she realized that Matt wasn't going to respond. Matt silently taking the lecture didn't surprise her, but the fact that he didn't try to explain whatever it was he'd done or acknowledge that he'd screwed up and apologize or even respond in any way did. Boden's respect had always meant a lot to the Matt she knew and loved, too much for him to not care about what was being said.

"You know even from here I can smell the alcohol on your breath," Boden finally spoke again.

"What?" Gabby turned to Shay in complete shock. "Matt would never drink on shift or show up drunk. He knows how irresponsible that is, how dangerous that can be. He would never do that to himself or the rest of 81. Whatever this is –"

"I know. I know," Shay cut her off. "But it should be clear by now that Casey's changed since you died. He becomes someone you don't know or recognize. While your Casey would never even consider it, you've already seen how much he drinks. This version is too far gone to even think twice about doing something like this, especially now."

"I just…I can't imagine anything pushing him to this point. No matter how much of a mess he got off shift, he wouldn't bring it onto shift like this. He wouldn't," Gabby just couldn't accept Matt becoming this. He deserved so much better. He was so much better.

"You gonna say something?" Boden asked when continued to just stand there, restoring Gabby's attention to the scene in front of her, forcing her to watch Matt be someone she didn't recognize and not lament over it.

"I guess not," Boden added when it was clear he still wasn't going to get a response. "This is the type of thing that can get you fired Casey. That should get you fired."

"What does it matter? I've already lost everything," Matt's voice was quite but it was clearly audible, the look of indifference on his face being briefly replaced by the look of a broken man.

"Casey," Boden's face and tone turned sympathetic.

"Don't say I haven't," Matt got angry. "For the second time I lost the woman I love, only this time it was the love of my life, the one person who meant everything to me. In losing her, I lost any chance at having the only life I want. And now I have to live with the fact that I pushed her away. We should have spent the last few months of her life together and happy, but we didn't because I pushed her away. It was precious time that I just wasted because I took for granted that we'd have tomorrow. Instead we lost tomorrow. So don't tell me I haven't lost everything. What I lost meant more to me than anything you could say I have left."

"Casey," Boden said again as he let out a sigh. "I know what today is. I'd say I know how hard today is for you, but truthfully, I'm sure I can't imagine just how hard it is, how hard everything's been for you since Dawson's death, since her accident really.

"You should know that up until last night I was debating whether I should even allow you to come to work today. I wasn't sure how you'd be coping today, especially considering how much you've been struggling over the past year. I didn't know if you'd be mentally capable of doing the job. In the end, I decided to let you come to shift because I thought it would be better for you. I didn't think you should spend the first anniversary of Dawson's death alone."

"Oh," Gabby said simply. She'd been confused by the Chief's references to today earlier, but now a lot of what was happening made more sense even if none of it sat well with her. Although her having died a year ago today didn't make Matt drinking on shift seem any less absurd.

"I hoped that work would give you a needed distraction, and I thought that being around a group of people who cared about Dawson, who miss her too, would do you some good. That it would help you get through the day in some way. Since you came back to work, you've been able to push your grief and everything else aside and do your job when the bells go off, and I've always trusted you so I hoped this wouldn't be any different. And I let you work today, but I promised myself that I'd keep a close eye on you and make sure you were really okay to be here and more importantly to go out on a call. Now though, we're not even half an hour into shift, and I realize letting you work today was a mistake. You have no business being here right now.

"I don't want to fire you Casey. You've always been a good firefighter and a good Truck lieutenant. I don't want to lose that, and I don't want to take something else from you. While I probably shouldn't, if it was just you showing up drunk today, I'd send you home with a warning and promise to keep a really close eye on you going forward. It's not just that though. Not anymore. What you said a few minutes ago about what you've lost and how guilty you feel, implying that nothing matters to you anymore, I want to believe that you don't really mean it. That it's the grief talking. That you said it because Dawson died a year ago today and that makes this day harder than most. I can't risk it though. If that's truly how you feel, then you have no business running into a burning building never mind leading a company, and I have to do what's in the best interest of all my firefighters.

"So I'm not going to fire you yet, but I am sending you home. I'll take you home actually. You're in no condition to be driving. And you're off shift for the next week. What happens after that is up to you," Boden continued. "When I get back, I'm going to call Chaplain Orlovsky and tell him to expect a call from you. I'm going to ask him to let me know as soon as he hears from you. If you want to keep your job, you're going to call him while you're off shift and make an appointment to go talk to him. I hope you do because if a week from now, I haven't heard from the Chaplain that you've made an appointment with him, you're out of here. You need to show me that you're making some effort to get your head back on straight or I can't have you in this house or any other. I'm not asking you to forget Dawson or stop loving her or stop missing her or anything like that. I'm asking you to cope with what happened to her. You doing this job is too dangerous if you don't."

Despite everything that was going on, Gabby relaxed a little at Boden's request. She'd always found the chaplain to be a good person to talk to. After losing Shay, he'd helped her as much as anyone could given the circumstances, and she was sure that he could do the same for Matt. She just hoped Matt would let him.

A sense of relief washed over her as suddenly, she and Shay were no longer in Boden's office. While she didn't know what was going to happen next, at least she didn't have to see anymore of that. Standing in her own kitchen, or at least what had been her own kitchen before she and Matt split, with Severide sitting at the island, eating what appeared to be a frozen pizza, she couldn't help but wonder if things were finally getting better. At least Matt had never actually followed through on his threats to kick Severide out of the apartment.

"Well, it's about time you got up," Severide said as Matt came into the kitchen clad in nothing but his boxers. His face was scruffy, like he hadn't shaved in a few days, and his hair was a ruffled mess with strands sticking up in all directions while his eyes were bloodshot. She didn't know if that was a sign that his drinking was still out of control or if he'd been crying. Regardless, it didn't look like he'd been sleeping well. Still, despite the circumstances, Gabby couldn't help but eye his bare chest.

"Down girl," Shay swatted her, clearly having noticed.

"I can't help it. Matt hot," Gabby defended herself.

"Then think about living and getting to stare at him whenever you want," Shay suggested.

"I don't need another lecture about how spending half my life in bed isn't healthy," Matt's response to Severide put an end to Gabby and Shay's conversation. But it wasn't like Gabby could keep staring at him anyways. He headed straight for the fridge, and her view of his body was blocked as he leaned into it and started moving things around.

"Where's the beer?" Matt asked as turned back towards Severide.

"I threw it out," Severide answered.

"Why would you do that?" Matt sounded annoyed as he turned and headed straight towards the cabinet where they always kept the hard liquor. It seemed clear whether it was beer or something else, he was determined to have a drink.

"I didn't want to have it around," under normal circumstances Severide's latest response would have seemed ridiculous to Gabby. In all the years he'd lived with Shay and then with her and Matt, she'd often seen him hanging out of the couch with a beer in his hand. However, she could think of a major reason why Severide wouldn't want beer around. Because Matt was still drinking too much. Not that she needed to know Severide had thrown out the beer to figure that out. Matt going in search of a drink presumably as soon as he'd gotten up was proof of that.

"Don't bother looking," Severide added as Matt slammed the first cabinet door shut and opened another. "I threw everything else out too."

"Hey, I bought most of that," Matt got angry. "I don't care if you want to have it around or not. It wasn't yours to do anything with."

"Well, someone had to do something," Severide shot back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Matt asked.

"It means I'm looking out for you," Severide explained. "Someone has to. You may have managed to convince Boden that you're doing better. That maybe you're not the person you were before, maybe you're still keeping everyone at arms' length, but you're at least okay, and he doesn't need to worry about you, that talking to Chaplain Orlovsky helped. But I live with you, and I know that none of that's completely true. What talking to the Chaplain did more than anything was make you better at hiding things. So yeah you're not going to bars anymore and getting into fights, you're not being reckless or going around bringing attention to the fact that you're completely lost and you have been since Dawson died. But around here you don't hide it, and I get to see what no one else does. You haven't taken a construction job in I don't even know how long; I lost count after the first couple of months. You spend most of your time in bed or moping around the apartment at least half drunk and with a drink still in your hand. You're not okay, and I guess I've had enough and decided to do something about it. I threw all the alcohol out because I didn't know what else to do, but I do know I should have done it a long time ago."

"Yeah, well I don't need you looking out for me," Matt barked before storming back towards his bedroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" Severide called after him.

"To get dressed so I can go to the store and replace what you threw away," came Matt's reply.

Gabby was about to go after Matt, feeling like she should stick with him. Plus, despite what was going on she couldn't resist the urge to watch him get dressed, to maybe get to see him in all his glory.

"Dawson wait," Shay put an arm out to stop her. "You'll get more out of watching Kelly than following Casey."

Reluctantly, Gabby turned her attention back towards the Squad lieutenant. There was a defeated look on his face, but it morphed into a look of determination. He headed towards the bowl by the door that they kept their keys in and removed Matt's. Once he had them, Gabby and Shay followed him into his own room, where he opened one of his drawers and put Matt's keys in it, moving clothing around so that they were buried. By the time Matt emerged from his own room, the three of them were back in the kitchen, Severide once again eating his pizza.

"Why don't you have a slice?" he suggested as Matt came into view.

"I'm not hungry," Matt said as he headed straight for the bowl, a frown forming on his face as peered into it. "Where are my keys?"

"No idea," Severide tried to play dumb but it was clear to Gabby that he wasn't doing a very good job.

"What did you do with them?" Matt saw right threw him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Severide insisted only for Matt to grab him and almost start patting him down.

"You hid them, didn't you?" Matt surmised when it became clear that they Severide didn't have them on him.

"So what if I did?" Severide finally admitted.

"You didn't have any right. What I'm doing is none of your business," Matt insisted.

"You're my friend Casey. That makes this my business," Severide was practically yelling but his voice grew quieter before he said the next part. "When Shay died, you were there for me. I did a lot of crazy stuff, but who knows how much worse it would have gotten or where I would have ended up if it weren't for you. And while it's a favor I wish I never had to repay, that's what I've been trying to do for the past fifteen months. You may not want me to, but you're my friend and I care about you so I'm not gonna stop trying."

"You're right I didn't ask you to. You don't owe me anything so just stop. I don't want your so called help. All I want is something to drink," with that Matt stormed out the back door, slamming it behind him. It seemed that keys or no keys, nothing was going to keep Matt away from alcohol.

Gabby was turning towards Shay when suddenly, they weren't in the apartment anymore. Instead they were standing in the middle of a fire. Although she couldn't feel the flames. If she had to guess, she'd say they were in an apartment building. She could see two firefighters walking down the hall; the backs of their turnout coats read Hermann and Lieutenant Casey,

"Fire Department. Call Out," Matt called as he knocked on a door. Hermann seemed to be doing the same a few doors down, but he was farther down the hall, and she couldn't quite hear him.

"Everybody out. Smoke's turning black," Boden's voice crackled through Matt's radio, Gabby figuring the cracking meant things were deteriorating fast.

"Hermann, let's go," Matt called as he turned around and started heading back towards the stairwell with the other firefighter a few steps ahead of him. When the two firefighters passed them, or rather walked through them, Gabby and Shay started following the men, but when they made it down the first flight of stairs, a noise stopped the four of them in their tracks.

"Help," a faint woman's voice came through the door next to the stairs.

"Did you hear that?" Hermann asked Matt.

"Yeah," Matt replied. "Chief said to get out though."

"Someone's in there," Hermann pointed out.

"Maybe, but when Chief says to get out, we get out," Matt reminded him. "So get moving."

"I know. I just hate it," Hermann sighed as he turned back towards the stairs and walking again. He paused a couple of moments later though, probably when he realized that Matt wasn't doing the same. Instead he was walking in the opposite direction. "Casey?" Hermann asked.

"I said get moving," Matt barked. He turned his head towards his fellow firefighter but didn't stop moving.

"You're going after whoever's in there, aren't you?" Hermann surmised.

"Yes," Matt admitted as he finally stopped and turned around to face the man. "You heard Boden though. You need to get out of here."

"He said everyone out. Not everyone but Casey so if you're not gonna go, why should I?" Hermann argued. "It's dangerous right now, and you shouldn't be on your own. Someone needs to have your back so if you're going after whoever's in there so am I."

"Hermann, I don't know how long this building is going to last. I can't let you stay and come with me. I'm responsible for what happens to you in here, and I can't risk that being something that gets your hurt or killed," Matt countered.

"But you can risk that happening to you?" Hermann questioned. "If I leave you behind, you're putting whatever happens to you on me. I can be responsible for something bad happening to you, but you can't be responsible for something bad happening to me?"

"You wouldn't be responsible for something happening to me. You'd be following orders. Mine and Boden's," Matt pointed out.

"Lieutenant – " Hermann started before Matt cut him off.

"Exactly. I'm the officer here. I'm the one responsible. Not you. And what about Cindy and your kids? Think about them. You have a whole family that you'd be leaving behind if something happened to you," Matt argued. "I don't have anyone or anything like that. I lost everything a long time ago."

As he said that last part, Gabby heard the broken man that she'd seen in everything Shay had shown her so far. As much as she'd hoped for a sign that he had healed, it was clear he hadn't. He may have been doing a better job putting up a front as Severide had said earlier, but deep down he was still the lost man she'd seen at the morgue and at her funeral, in the bar and in Boden's office. This wasn't the future Matt deserved. He deserved so much more.

"So if anyone should risk a suicide run right now, it's me. And we don't have time for you to stay here and argue with me. You can stay, and we can keep having this conversation, in which case you, me, and whoever's in there are all dead. Or you can go, and maybe all three of us will have a chance," Matt continued.

"Fine," Hermann let out such a sharp sigh that Gabby could hear it through his SCBA mask. "But I'm going to make sure Boden knows exactly what went on in here, and when you get out of here, the three of us are going to have a long talk."

"At least someone's realized that Matt still has a lot of issues that are affecting him on the job. It's not just him still drinking too much off shift," Gabby told Shay, a small sense of relief washing through as she took in Hermann's words.

"You thought that before when Boden suspended him," Shay pointed out.

Her best friend's words were not reassuring, and Gabby found herself feeling more on edge than before. The feeling wasn't helped when Shay put a comforting arm around her shoulder. Still, as Hermann grumpily turned and started walking down the stairs, Gabby and Shay followed Matt towards the apartment the woman's calls had come from, Shay's arm staying tightly wrapped around Gabby.

Once inside they found themselves standing in a small entryway with a coat rack in front of them and a door that appeared to lead to a bedroom on their right. Matt headed left towards the kitchen/living room combination, the two former paramedics sticking with him. Something must have caught Matt's eye because once he'd entered the room, he started moving faster. Just as Gabby and Shay passed the kitchen counter, Matt crouched down next to the coffee table, and Gabby realized just what had caused him to quicken his pace.

An elderly woman lay on the ground, wrapped almost awkwardly around the coffee table, while her walker lay off to the side, several feet from her body. Gabby could only surmise that when the fire had started, the woman had rushed to get out, loosing her grip on the walker and tripping over the table. It was tragic, but hopefully, Matt would be able to get the woman and himself out. There was a window practically right in front of them, and as the fire rumbled around them, Gabby realized that raising the aerial and going out through the window was probably their best bet. Instinctively, she started moving towards Matt and the woman like she would be able to grab his radio and call for help.

"Damn," Matt suddenly muttered.

The word stopped her in her tracks. When he next reached down and carefully closed the woman's eyes, Gabby knew he'd been too late. The woman was already gone, and Matt putting himself of the line to save her had been a waste.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you," there was a crack in his voice as he spoke, and as he continued to hover over the woman, Gabby was startled. This wasn't how the firefighter she'd worked with for years handled this type of situation on a call. It wasn't what the lieutenant she'd worked under had trained her to do.

"Why isn't he leaving?" Gabby kept her eyes glued to Matt as she spoke. "He has to know there isn't time for this. He should be getting out of here. Why isn't he?"

"I don't have the answer to that. I don't know what's in his head, but I'm not surprised. Are you?" Shay replied.

Gabby thought it over. In every moment that Shay had showed her, Matt had seemed lost. He'd told Boden first and then Hermann just now that he'd lost everything. The Chief had been worried about what that would mean for Matt on a call. This must have been what he was worried about. Matt not seeming to have any sense of urgency about saving himself. Or worse, was it that if given the opportunity, Matt would choose to stay behind and let the fire take him?

She was relieved when he eventually did get up and started heading back towards the entryway. Maybe he didn't have the urgency, but he at least wasn't choosing to stay behind and die. She hated both scenarios, but at least this was the less horrifying of the two.

Unfortunately, her relief was short lived. Matt had only taken a few steps when there was loud rumbling in the room. Then in the blink of an eye, the room started coming down around them. First a curio cabinet started to fall, taking the wall it was bolted to with it, and blocking the path to the entryway. For a few seconds the window was the only way out, but before he could reach for his radio, the floor gave out, and Matt was falling.

Gabby and Shay didn't fall though. Instead they found themselves standing in the apartment below, watching Matt descend from above.

"Matt," Gabby couldn't help but scream as his body flailed through the air. Ultimately, he landed with a loud thud, and as his PASS alarm started going off, she was sure he was badly injured. "Get up baby. Get up," she muttered.

When Matt didn't move, she raced to his side. Once she was practically standing over him, she noticed that his eyes were open. He seemed to be breathing. He was conscious. So why was he just lying there?

Eventually, he started to squirm, and the way he was grimacing made it clear to Gabby that he was badly hurt and struggling to move. He did finally manage to sit up though, at least enough to lean against some of the debris that had followed him down here. Expecting Matt to reach for his radio, Gabby was horrified as instead he started to take his mask off.

"What's he doing?" Gabby frantically asked Shay. No one else was in the building. The PASS alarm was completely useless right now. Radioing for help was Matt's only chance, and he wasn't taking it. She knew that the fire was really bad, and that it might be dangerous enough to force Boden to make the hard decision and leave Matt behind, and she was sure Matt knew that too. But for Matt to not even try, for him to just give in and accept that he was going to die in here, she couldn't think of anything more devastating. Turning her attention back towards Matt, she spoke again.

"Don't give up Matt. Please don't give up. Put your mask back on and use your radio. Please," she begged as tears started rolling down her cheeks.

"Oh Dawson," Shay came up to her and once again wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "You and I aren't really here. There's nothing we can do."

"I know. I just –" Gabby started to respond only to stop herself as Matt let out a cough.

"Gabby," Matt said once he had finished coughing. There was a sense of relief in his voice, and for an instant Gabby wondered if he was somehow aware of her presence. "I'm coming. Baby, I'm coming. I'll see you soon." A smile formed on his face, and then he closed his eyes.

Those words and look of happiness that spread across his face made Gabby realize that Matt had no idea she was there. While he was talking to her, he wasn't talking to the version of her that stood in front of him. He was talking to a version of her that he thought was in heaven. And it wasn't so much that he was giving in and accepting that he was going to die here. No, this Matt welcomed death. He was glad he was going to die because he thought they'd get to be together again in death. The Matt who sat before her didn't think he had a reason to live; he thought he had a reason to die.

"Oh Matt," Gabby said quietly as she moved to wipe away tears from her cheeks, the scene before her breaking her heart more than anything else she'd seen.

"I'm sorry Dawson," Shay said as the fire and Matt faded away and the former partners were once again surrounded by darkness. "I know that wasn't anything you wanted to see. Casey living like that and then dying like that, but I knew you needed to see it. It was the only I could make you understand so –"

"Understand that Matt's headed down a dark path," Gabby cut Shay off. Despite the sadness she felt about Matt's fate, there was an edge to her voice. She was angry too. She was mad at Matt for allowing himself to go down that path, mad at their friends for not being able to stop it, and mad at Shay for making her see it. Maybe it wasn't fair, but so little of what had happened in the last year was fair. That was how she and Shay had ended up here in the first place. "That Matt's going to become an angry drunk, that he's going become lost and broken until finally dying seems like the best option. That's what you wanted me to understand. Why would you want that? Are you trying to punish me or something?"

"What would I be trying to punish you for?" Shay seemed completely confused.

"For getting you killed," Gabby snapped. She needed someone to take her anger over Matt's fate out on, and unfortunately for Shay, she was the only other person here. "You say don't blame me, but how could you not?"

"Oh Dawson," Shay sighed. "I meant everything I said earlier. My death is not your fault. You are not responsible for it. I could never blame you for it. I know what happened that day. There was no way you could have even suspected that I would be standing in the worst possible spot at the worst possible moment. And I know you. You would intentionally do anything that would get anyone killed, let alone me. You would have done everything in your power to save the patient and keep both of us out of that spot if you'd had any idea that beam was going to come down. That's why I don't blame you for it. I know my death was simply an unintended consequence of what seemed like the right decision at the time. I just wish I knew how to get you to stop blaming yourself"

"Then why would you show me this?" Gabby asked. "Why would you want me to see that this is what happens to Matt."

"You still don't get it, do you? This doesn't have to be what happens to Casey. Yes, you saw him go down a horrible path, but it's your death that sets him on that path," Shay explained. "That's why I showed all of that to you. I thought –"

"So it's my fault," Gabby's voice grew small as she once again interrupted Shay, a feeling of guild settling into her stomach.

"That's not what I meant. At least not in the way you think," Shay clarified. "Casey goes down this path because of how much he loves you, because he never figures out how to live in a world that doesn't include you. It may never have been as bad as anything you just saw, but he started down a similar path after Hallie died. It was his love for you that pulled him out of it, that reminded him how to live, even though he didn't realize it at the time. But losing you, there's nothing and no one that can make up for that. It's not anyone's fault. It just is.

"And I needed you to understand that your death is the one thing Casey will never be able to cope with. I need you to understand that because the Gabby Dawson I know, the woman I love like a sister, would never want that for anyone, certainly not for the love of her life, and if you live, Casey doesn't have to deal with your death.

"Now the time has come where you need to make a choice. To leave the world your mind created behind, return to the real world in, and live. Or to die. And you creating this world and not really questioning it in the first place tells me that you've been so unhappy that you'd at least consider death, and I don't want that for you. I didn't think you'd choose to die knowing that your death will destroy Casey so I needed you to understand that it will because I want you to live for both of us. Not because I died in your place or as some way to even the scales or something, but because you're my best friend, and I would have gladly sacrificed myself if meant that you got to live a long, happy life. That's what you deserve. That's what I want for you. As much as I would love to get to keep hanging out with you, it doesn't have to be your time, it shouldn't be your time. You have so much to live for, so much you can still experience. At least one of us should get to have those experiences, and then when the time does come, you can tell me all about them.

"I want you to live. Not just live. I want you to forgive yourself for what happened to me, to believe that you deserve to be happy, allow yourself to be happy. I want you to live life to the fullest, have the future you've always dreamed of, and when you and Casey have a daughter, I expect you to name her Leslie," Shay let out a laugh and a huge smile. "Those things, that's how you honor me. Not by giving up on yourself and dying."

"So Matt and I will be okay? We're going to find our way back to each other and make it?" Gabby latched onto Shay's reference to her and Matt having a daughter.

"I can't tell you that," Shay replied.

"So you can show me what happens to Matt if I die, but you can't tell me that I'll be happy if I live. Because if there's one thing I've realized after everything that's happened, it's that I can't be happy without Matt. Not anymore. I just wish I realized it before it was too late. You say you want me to live, but don't I deserve to know that living is worth it?" Gabby argued.

"Oh Dawson. I wish I could tell you that everything will be okay, but I can't. The truth is that the future isn't written, and I don't know what will happen," Shay informed her.

"So everything you just showed me with Matt, that's not real. You just showed it to me because you thought that if I believed that he'd fall apart if I died, I'd choose to live," Gabby surmised. She wasn't sure which was worse. The idea that that really was Matt's future or her best friend lying to her, manipulating her.

"You need to understand that there are an infinite number of possible futures. I, the dead, exist outside time. I can see the possibilities, but I don't know which one will come to pass. That's determined by the choices made by the living. What I do know is that I have not seen a possible future where you die, and your death doesn't destroy Casey. It might not happen exactly like what we just saw, especially not as more time passes, but without you, Casey is destined to go down a similar path," Shay replied. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I've seen possible futures where you and Casey make it. That's not every possible future though, and I'm not allowed to tell you details about any of them. I can't show you what your life could be like if you live. That doesn't mean I wasn't allowed to show you what happens if you die, and that's what I did.

"While no one can guarantee that you'll get the life you want if you live, I have faith in you and in Casey and in your love for each other. You should have faith too. I told you earlier what I want for you. The question isn't whether you and Casey will be okay. The question is whether you can do those things. Can you forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy and truly live? If you can do that, then everything will work out," Shay concluded.

"I…I don't know," Gabby stumbled as she answered Shay's question. She wanted to believe that she could move on from everything that had happened in the past year and be happy, that love would be enough for her and Matt. It sounded so easy when Shay said it, but something told her it wouldn't be. That wasn't how her life worked.

"Then know that Casey loves you and that he needs you. Listen to your heart," Shay instructed. "I wish we had more time Dawson. Maybe then I could figure out how to get you to see things the way I do. We're out of time though."

Gabby was startled when Shay suddenly pulled her into a tight hug.

"I love you Dawson, and I'm always with you. I hope you know both of those things," Shay said when she finally pulled away.

"It's good to hear," Gabby said. It's not that she didn't know she had been one of Shay's best friends, but she'd been so consumed by guilt that it was hard to believe her late friend could still love her.

With that Shay turned Gabby around. She was startled to see two lights in the distance, one white and one that was a more goldish color.

"What are those?" she asked Shay.

"The choice you have to make," Shay's answer was initially vague. "The time has come. We can't wait any longer for you to decide whether you go back to your real life or whether to stay here and die," Gabby winced at the bluntness of Shay's words.

"You need to walk through one of the lights. The gold light to your right leads to life, and the while light to your left leads to death. I hope you'll go right, but it's your call," Shay finished.

Gabby took a deep breath as she weighed her options. She had no idea what the right choice. All she could do was follow her instincts and trust that her feet would lead her to the best decision. She looked left and then right and then back towards Shay, and finally, she started walking.


Author's Note: So thoughts? I know this chapter was rather different (hopefully it didn't feel repetitive or anything), and I'm really curious to see how it went over with people.

And I left you guys with a cliffhanger again. Well, I guess its essentially the same cliffhanger as last time. I'll try to be quicker with Chapter 36. The key word is try though.

Until next time :)