Chapter Thirty-Six

October 2006

Six months. One-hundred and eighty days. It is the blink of an eye to some people, but when you're in intensive rehab, it is six months of hell.

Jasper had originally signed on for just a thirty-day stint, but once he got involved in his therapy, he realized he needed something more…labor intensive. At the three-month mark, he realized he still had a long way to go, and stayed another three months. It was the best decision of his life.

He denied everyone he knew admittance. He didn't want them to see him when he had the shakes and was all but strangling people for his next fix, didn't want them to be brought down by his depression again when he felt he was at his lowest, even lower than when he'd OD'd. He hadn't seen anyone in six months, had been alone in his pain.

Well, not alone; he had a whole team of doctors and nurses trained to help him, but other than that, yes, he was alone. And he fully believed that was what helped him the most, his 'I'm an island' mentality. If he couldn't face his demons himself, how could anyone on the outside of him help? And furthermore, wouldn't it hurt them all the more to see him like that?

So, he buckled down and got serious. He got healthy inside and out. Now, finally, he was out and facing his demons.

He stood on the unfamiliar front porch and took a deep breath before knocking on the screen door. Beautiful brown eyes peeked around the corner and he grinned at a face that looked all too familiar. He knelt down and looked at her through the screen door. "Hi, is your mommy home?"

Her eyes grew a bit wider, maybe in recognition, maybe because he spoke to her, maybe because he knew his hair was too long and he was an utter washed out mess, he wasn't sure, but she ran away yelling, "Mommy! You got company!"

He chuckled as chubby little legs carried her running down the hallway, but his chuckles died in his throat when she appeared before him. "Jasper?" She blinked. "Jasper!" she shouted as she threw open the door and flung herself into his arms.

"Hey, Jamie. How's tricks?"

She pulled away and looked up at him. "What are you doing here?"

He grinned sheepishly. "Well, I just got outta rehab, see, and they said I needed to face my demons…"

"And I'm one of them?" she joked lightly, but her face turned serious. "I'm the link to most of them," she said softly as recognition dawned.

He nodded. "Yeah, uh, first they said I'm supposed to go see Mom and then go from there…"

Jamie bit her lip. "Okay, I get that." She paused. "Jazzy…no offense, but you look like shit."

That much he knew. While he was truly healthy for the first time in his life, clean to the bone, pretty much, anyway, he realized he was still too skinny. Once upon a time, he had a lithe body – thin but with some meat on his bones. Now he was nothing but bones. And his hair…the black hair color he'd had last had grown out and his blond roots were showing and his hair was waaaaay too long.

"Thanks," he said with a rueful grin. "So, you got a spare bedroom, or are you gonna make me shack up with Ma McCarty? Not that I don't love her…"

"But you're not ready to face her," she said with a little nod. "Of course I have room for you, Jazzy. Have you seen Emmett lately?" she asked as she held open the door wide for him to bring in his small suitcase.

He shook his head. "I haven't seen any of the guys since I went in. I thought it would be easier for them all…And Em, well, he's got Rose and the baby and…" he shook his head. "It's just easier for me to be alone right now. I needed that time without Overbearingmett making his appearance."

She laughed. "I could understand that. Emmett always did try to tell you what was best for you – a trait he learned from his mother, no doubt."

She showed him the guest room and he tossed his bag onto the bed. "Are you sure your husband will be okay with this?"

She grinned. "As long as you don't remind him of the fire tower, I think it'll be okay."

To both their surprise, his cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink and he had to adjust himself, despite the many other thoughts running through his mind. He was, after all, a man. "Damn, J, you had to bring that up?"

She laughed throatily. "Well, not every girl can say she got it on with two members of Breakdown."

He smiled slightly, but it died out. "Guess the name really hit home for me, didn't it?"

She put her hand on his arm. "Jasper, you…with what you faced growing up, I'm surprised you made it this long without a total breakdown. And the fact that you're standing in front of me and I'm not standing before your coffin is a testament to how far a person can come."

"I…I need to visit her, tomorrow, Jamie."

She nodded. "And we will. But right now, I need to get back to dinner. You want a drink?"

"What'cha got?" he asked, his smile returning.

"No alcohol, but I've got soft drinks and homemade sweet tea…"

"Oh, damn. I've not had real sweet tea in forever. And, no offense to Rosalie; but Emmett still hasn't managed to teach her how to make it properly."

Jamie giggled and led the way to her kitchen. "How did you find my address?" she asked as she poured him a glass of the sweet concoction.

"I, uh, I saw Miya already."

Jamie's eyebrow rose, but she kept quiet as she handed him his glass. Jasper avoided her eyes as he looked down into the dark amber liquid. "Yeah, she, uh, she came and found me in the clink."

"The clink?"

He smirked. "Yeah, 'rehab' sounds so passé."

She let out a little snort. "Alrighty then." She moved over and checked something in a crock-pot and stirred something on the stove-top.

"I'm sorry I came at dinner time…"

It's fine," she said as she returned back to him. "I always make extra, and Lily doesn't eat much."

"Lily?"

Jamie smiled. "Yeah, we named her 'Lily' after William's grandmother. She died before Lil was born."

"She's beautiful. Where did she run of to?"

"Probably playing in the front room. She'll come in here when her curiosity gets the best of her."

He paused, waiting. Sure enough, her curiosity got the best of her and Jamie asked, "So, Miya came and saw you?"

He grinned. Clearly this was a trait Lily had earned from her mom. "Yeah, she got admittance because she works in the sister unit to the one I was in."

"I didn't realize she was in Nashville."

"She isn't. I had them take me to a unit in New York. I didn't want to be near anyone I would know. Imagine my surprise when I'm there puking my guts up and in walks Miya. I thought I was hallucinating…which, wouldn't have been the first time, as I had, on occasion, done that very thing. Anyway, she was there and she and I had a real heart-to-heart. She was instrumental in my recovery, she really was. She told me how foolish I was being and how stupid I had acted and stuff and got me on the right track to becoming 'me' again."

"That's great, Jazzy!" Jamie said, hugging him again.

He nodded. "She's doing great, in case you didn't know. She met a guy…"

Jamie paused before nodding. "Yeah, I did know that. We all went on vacation together for a long weekend sans Lily. It was nice. He's a good guy. He's not you, but…well, those dreams didn't work out for any of us, did they?"

"You really loved Em, didn't you?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, I really did. But, I couldn't stand in his way. If we had been meant to be, he would have come back. When he didn't, I moved on. And I'm so glad I did. I found a love that's real. It's like my mom and dad's; like Mr. and Mrs. McCarty's. It's wonderful and I'm so thankful I've had this opportunity."

A sudden shriek of "Daddy!" meant William was home. And if he was surprised to see a washed-out pop star sitting at his kitchen counter, he didn't show it. He grinned, kissed his wife, and nodded in Jasper's direction. "Hey," he said with a handshake.

"Hey," Jasper said back. He'd never met the man before, but for some reason, he instantly liked him. And he could see how he would be very good for Jamie. He had this 'grounded' air about him. And after her three best friends leaving her here in Podunk, Jasper had the feeling she very much needed grounding.

"I feel sick," Jasper said as Jamie pulled up to the cemetery.

"Jazz…" she said softly, grabbing his hand. "She's dead. She can't hurt you anymore. But, you do need to get you some closure."

He didn't realize he was shaking from nerves until his voice wavered as he said, "You s-sound like you've been talking to M-Miya."

Jamie smiled softly. "I may have given her a call last night."

"Traitor," he quietly stated.

She shrugged. "I wanted to make sure I could be all the help I could be."

He let out a little snort. "My Jamie; always the Girl Scout."

She let out a little huff. "I'm still pissed at Miya for abandoning me at Girl Scout camp."

"Hey, she had better things to do," he said with a grin.

"Like you?"

His grin grew as he remembered his and Miya's romp in the woods that night he'd stolen her away from the camp when they were in high-school. She and Jamie had both been going for their Gold Award, yet only Jamie had achieved hers. "I think Miya was a bit miffed you got the award and she didn't."

"If she would have spent less time fucking you and more time attempting to achieve her award, she might have gotten it."

He shrugged. "Well, she was happy with the Silver Award and that new position we tried…"

Jamie laughed and shook her head. "I don't know what I'm going to do with you."

He sucked in a breath as he looked out the windshield toward the garden of monuments and he said, "Hold my hand?"

She nodded. "I'd be glad to."

They walked in silence and clasped hands as she led him to his mother's resting place. He had no idea where the stone was, but Jamie, who put flowers there once a month, knew where it was. She and Mrs. McCarty rotated putting flowers there. Not for Evelyn, but for Jasper.

Jasper sighed as he looked at the simple stone. He'd had the money to have a monument built, but couldn't stomach the idea. It had a picture of stargazer lilies etched into it; her favorite flower, and he had to fight back the nausea as he thought of their smell. She always put them around when she was having company. Probably to hide the smell of stale cigarettes, booze and sex that permeated the air of his house.

He shook off the thoughts and the horrors that accompanied them and read his mother's headstone for the first time.

Evelyn Mackenzie Whitlock

DOB: May 20, 1965

DOD: July 9, 2003

"She was so young," Jamie said.

"Yeah, her mama kicked her out of the house when she got knocked up with me at the tender age of 14. Of course, by that time, she'd been around the block already. She never did know who my daddy was. She quit school and got a job and raised me. Why in God's name, I'll never know. She could have easily just gotten rid of me. Even in 1980 they had abortion clinics, I think. Instead she decided to drag me through Hell with her." His voice was flat, emotionless, like he was reading from a script.

Jamie's arms went around his waist and he drew her closer to him. "I'm so sorry, Jasper."

"I hate her. I've always hated her. And no matter how many shrinks I go to, I'll always hate her. Nothing can get that poison out of me. But I think I'm ready to let her go now. I can't kill her again; she's already dead. So I guess I'll just have to deal with that."

"You can talk to her," Jamie encouraged.

"No, I don't think I need to. I think I said more than enough at the funeral. I just wanted to…I don't know, just…" He looked at her and she saw the tears rolling down his face. "I fucked up, Jay."

"It's okay…" she started.

He shook his head. "No, it's not. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing her away and she'll never forgive me now."

"Who?" Jamie asked, confused.

"Alice," he said on a sigh.

"Does she love you?"

"She did once upon a time."

"And now?"

"I'm afraid she'll turn me away."

She pulled him into another hug. "Well, the old adage 'it's better to have loved and lost' is true. You need to go to her. Get down on your hands and knees and crawl back to her if you have to, just do something, Jasper. Don't live without at least knowing."

"You…you're right," he said suddenly.

She grinned. "I know I am."

"I need a car. Now. I've gotta get back to Nashville."

"Is she there?"

He shook his head to clear it. "I don't know where she is. But I know someone who does."

"Bella!" Jasper shouted as he barged into their house. Thankfully, he still had his key. It was in his effects when he was discharged.

"Jasper?" he heard from the music room. "Jasper!" the shout got louder as he ran toward it.

"Bella!" he said as she flung herself in his arms. He hadn't seen her since before the baby. "Whoa, Bella! You got hot again."

She shot him a look and punched him lightly in the chest. "Thanks, fucktard. You look like shit."

"That's the second time in two days I've heard that."

"Well, it's true. At least your hair looks half-ass decent."

He rubbed his hand through his shorn locks. Jamie had sat him down last night and buzzed his hair shorter. Now it was about an inch long all over his head. It looked professionally done because his blond roots were showing and the ends of his hair were tipped in black. It was very becoming, if he did say so himself. "Thanks, listen, do you know where Alice is?"

Bella's eyes darkened and he grabbed both her hands. "I'm serious, Bella. I'm clean, I'm sober, and I'm ready to find my woman. I need her like the air I breathe."

She bit her lip, thinking. "She's in Hollywood. She's agreed to be a judge on the new show that's on; 'So You Wanna Be The World's Best Dancer'. The finale is in a few days…"

He took a deep breath. "Then we need to hurry. I desperately need you and the guys' help and we're gonna have to pull strings like crazy…"

She thought for a half a moment before she said, "What do you have in mind?"

Alice blew out a breath as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. The makeup artist had given her a few moments to herself before she was ready to go on-air. She didn't look happy, she knew that. The tabloids had been abuzz with stories from drug addiction to depression; the latter wasn't that far off the mark. She knew what she wanted, what she needed…Jasper.

She had kept in touch with Miya and had known the day Jasper had been released from the rehab unit he had been assigned. That was four days ago and she hadn't heard from anyone on how he was doing. She had tried to visit him, but had been told he was in intense therapy and no one was allowed. She thought he was avoiding her. She hated having to leave him in the hospital that day, the day before he awoke; but she'd already signed the contract and had to begin the first rounds of judging for this show. But, then Rosalie had called and told her how upset Emmett was that he couldn't see Jasper, so then she realized it must be everyone. But now, she'd not heard from anyone and she wondered if maybe their chance had passed. Maybe she was destined to be alone.

"Ali, one minute," the production assistant said, poking her head into Alice's dressing room.

Alice sighed and stood, putting on the fake smile she had all but perfected. She was all smiles by the time she made it out to the audience and gave a confident wave as the host began speaking.

She didn't really have much to do for the finale show, so her mind wandered as some acts came on. There were a few guest stars on; some were performing dance routines, some were singers that had extremely choreographed dance moves, Alice didn't care. At least, she didn't until the host said, "And now, for a very special performance. With one band member fresh from rehab, ready to show the world that he's back and better than ever, and here to perform their very newest single, I proudly present, Breakdown!"

She sat up straight and blinked as the house lights dimmed. The whole room was dark as the voice she had longed to hear said softly, "This is unorthodox, but then, so am I. I got out of rehab four days ago. After going home and having a friend help me to extract my head from my posterior, I finally got my stuff figured out. I had Bella Swan-Masen help me write this next song just to say, 'Ali, I love you. The rest? Yeah, it's self explanatory." And with that, Edward's soft voice started singing;

Everybody knows that I was such a fool to ever let go of you
Baby I was wrong
Yeah I know I said we'd be better off alone
It was time that we moved on
I know I broke your heart, I didn't mean to break your heart
But baby here I am

The lights came up slowly as the whole band started singing; Jasper's voice sounding a bit louder and more wounded than the others;

Banging on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised and I'm crawling back to you
Begging for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth and now I'm crawling back to you

Jake started singing next;

I know you're in there and you can make me wait
But I'm not goin' away
It's the least that I can do, just to tell you face to face
I was lying to myself, now I'm dying in this hell
Girl I know you're mad, I can't blame you for being mad
But baby here I am

Once more, the band all sang;

Banging on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised and now I'm crawling back to you
Begging for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in?
I was running from the truth and now I'm crawling back to you

Jake once more took over with Edward softly backing him up;

If you could see these tears I'm crying
Touch these hands that can't stop shaking
Hear my heart that's barely beating
You will see a different man

This time, Jasper came to the front of the stage and slowly walked down the steps until he was standing before the judges table. Alice let out a gasp as he fell to both his knees and softly sang;

But baby here I am
Banging on your front door
My pride spilled on the floor
My hands and knees are bruised

He remained on the floor before her as the others joined in;

And I'm crawling back to you (come on)
Begging for a second chance
Are you gonna let me in? (let me in)
I was running from the truth, now I'm crawling back to you

Banging on your front door (darling)
My pride spilled on the floor
I was running from the truth, now I'm crawling back to you, yeah
Now I'm crawling back to you
Crawling back to you
Crawling back to you

Jasper stood and held out her hand as he sang one last time;

Crawling back to you

"Well?" he asked softly. "Will you take me? I'm broken and bruised, but I'm not beyond help just yet. I'm clean, Ali. I'm clean and I swear to love you like I should have from the beginning. I'll love you for the rest of my life." He dropped back to one knee and pulled out the ring he'd bought the previous day. Bella and Rosalie both told him he was being impulsive, that she wouldn't accept it, but he had to try. "I know it's too soon. Don't say yes, not yet, but, please take it as a promise." The ring was a beautiful rare pearl surrounded by perfect diamonds. It had cost more than he wanted to admit, but she was worth it.

Both her hands went to her mouth. "Jasper…" she managed. "Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I'm not asking for marriage, not yet, but…maybe a chance in the future? I just want the opportunity to show you how much I love you, how much I need you, how much I want you…"

Tears were pouring down her cheeks as she smiled and said just one word, so softly, not even the microphone could pick it up, but Jasper heard it just the same. "Yes."