16
Scotch Thoughts
The Triumvirate
He could still just barely see her silhouetted against the back door light as she walked up the driveway in the dark. He watched her pause and turn back to give him one final wave before she opened the door and went in. It had been one of the most enjoyable evenings he had ever had in his life, and his head was full of impressions and music and sensations that still seemed so real they were palpable.
Taking Amanda to her high school reunion had actually been one of the most normal evening outings he had ever attended. He had danced with princesses and entertained countesses and the daughters of senators and Supreme Court justices, and, yes, he had painted foreign cities with circus women, but somehow he had missed high school reunions. In fact he wouldn't even know which high school's reunion he should attend because he had moved so often. He hadn't really given much thought to what a high school reunion would be like when he offered to escort Amanda to hers. All he knew was that he badly wanted to have uninterrupted time with Amanda, or at least be with her somewhere that her life or his wasn't going to be in danger and they could just enjoy being together. So he had waited anxiously outside her family room like a nervous teenager waiting to ask the girl he liked to a dance.
Her dress hadn't been anything spectacular, but then neither were his "ancient threads." But it hadn't mattered. He had gotten to see a whole new part of Amanda, and he had felt so honored to be with her. He knew that she had been nervous at first, but as she began to greet old friends and acquaintances, she had become more comfortable and at ease, and she had begun to shine with that beautiful smile and the sparkle in her eyes that had always made his breath catch in his chest. It was an entirely different experience to be the one introduced to people and events by Amanda. Throughout their whole friendship he had taken great pleasure in introducing her to new people and places. Tonight he had felt only a gentle pride and honor to be introduced as "Amanda's friend, Lee Stetson" and to smile and nod and let Amanda lead the way. Walking with her through the crowd of people in the hall with his arm firmly wrapped around her waist felt different than guiding her through the bullpen at the Agency. Usually he felt as if he was watching over her, but tonight he wanted the people there to know that he had the privilege of being the one this beautiful woman who made everyone smile had chosen to be comfortable and close to.
Amanda had spent the evening talking with and listening to old friends. She had been asked to dance by a few other men, and Lee had exercised all of the patience and control he had not to let the little twinges of jealousy he knew were teasing him have control. He had finally had enough and had asked for his turn. Even now, while driving away from her house, he could feel her hand in his as he walked her out to the dance floor. He could still feel her slender waist under his hand as he drew her to him. He could smell her hair as she placed her head next to his. The song had been a popular and fun one back in the day and its catchy tune was still crystal clear in his head. They had danced together before; he could clearly remember the first time, at that ridiculous Halloween cocktail party, when she had thought he might be part of the Mafia. But this time had been so different. The song was "I Got You Babe" and it had a fun lilting quality to it which seemed innocuous enough to dance to, especially in a room full of people whom he knew were watching them.
When Cher sang out, "And when I'm sad, you're a clown, And when I get scared, you're always around" Amanda had looked up at him with a knowing smile on her face. Their gaze had connected and he was undone- again. He had smiled back at her and then had drawn her close to himself so that she couldn't look into his eyes. Too many times recently he had not been able to hold her gaze. It wasn't that he wanted to look away, it was what he really wanted to do when he looked at her that made him divert his eyes. He was almost glad that he'd had something in his eyes the other day in that dress shop when she had held his face in her hands as she searched his eyes. He had been so scared that Jeppard had actually gotten to her first, and the relief that he felt to have her there next to him combined with her touch on his face and her hands stroking his lapels would have made it almost impossible for him not to communicate it to her physically if he had been able to fix his eyes on her clearly.
It had happened again later that day in her room at the Cumberland Grand. She was like a magnet to him. Perched on the back of the couch, having a heart to heart about their work, telling her that working with her was something that brought joy and pleasure to his life had created another electric moment. That time she was the one to look away and break the connection. And later, as they sat idly looking at magazines, the magnetic pull had almost worn him out. What he felt for Amanda was so different than anything he had ever felt before. He desired her. He desired her more deeply than he had ever desired any other woman, and sitting there in that hotel room with that bed looming in the background would have been almost impossible to ignore if he hadn't had all of these other newer feelings coursing through him as well. He'd had a few unguarded moments while sitting there contemplating what it would be like to be in a room like this with Amanda under different circumstances, maybe at a time when they would have had a chance to talk about how they felt for each other, had confirmed that they were both in the same place with their feelings for and commitment to each other. But there was so much more than desire that filled him as he looked at her. She was precious to him, everything about her. He wanted to protect her; he wanted to make sure that she had nothing to fear, ever. He wanted to talk with her and let her know everything about him and he wanted to know everything about her. He wanted to memorize every one of her features. He could stare at her forever. It didn't matter if he was sitting in a chair opposite her, just being in her presence made all of him come alive and it had been just a bit too much for him at that moment. In fact it was almost paralyzing to him. There was too much to feel and say and there was never a good time to begin. He wasn't even sure if he should begin because he wasn't sure if he would know how to stop if things didn't go the way he wanted them to. All he knew then was that he would have happily stayed awake all night reading magazines with Amanda if that was all that she had wanted to do to pass the time while they waited for something to happen with Jeppard. But Francine had abruptly interrupted them, and once again, he hadn't been afforded a beginning even if he had chosen one. Instead, he almost lost her – again.
He knew that the hesitancy he felt wasn't really blocking their non-verbal communication though. It seemed that with Amanda a little went a long way. When Sonny sang the words, "Then put your little hand in mine, There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb" as they danced tonight, he had wrapped his fingers tighter around her hand. Hand holding had taken on a whole new meaning to him since he had met Amanda King. Nothing could describe the joy and intimate pleasure he had felt yesterday as they had entered the elevator at the Cumberland. He had often reached for Amanda's hand, to lead her, guide her, keep her by his side and even to comfort her as they had gone about their work together on a case. He had tucked her hand into the crook of his arm as Billy and he escorted her up the walkway to the old Cumberland Grand; he had reached for her hand as they approached the elevator. But as that elevator door had closed she had searched for his hand. She had placed her smaller hand into his and he couldn't imagine anything sweeter in that moment. Covering her hand with both of his had been both a privilege and an utterly intimate act. Hand holding? Only with Amanda King!
As far as Lee was concerned, he and Amanda could have been the only two people in that entire hall tonight during the last few moments of that dance. This song was theirs. The lyrics echoed the song of his heart, and he had almost been certain that Amanda's heart was singing the same song.
"I got you to hold my hand, I got you to understand, I got you to walk with me, I got you to talk with me."
In his mind he could see her sitting on the couch in that hideout hotel room. His heart had gone out to her as he overheard her trying to explain to her mother another tale of why they needed to be squirreled away out of danger, as she spoke her love to her boys through the telephone line. And then his heart had threatened to drown. She had asked him if he ever got tired of the territory! She was questioning her ability to stick with the very territory that he had brought her into, the territory that she had insisted that she had chosen, their territory that they had discovered that they were good in together, and the territory in which she had drawn his heart out of its hiding place? Was she tired of it? Would the insecurity of the ability to have consistent relationships as a spy cause her to leave him? And for one brief moment he had flinched. But he had learned from her that he was safe to share himself with her. Being in Intelligence had cost him his share of relationships. It had given him an excuse to live a transient life style; it had given him a way to continue to protect his scarred heart. But it had also brought him her, and working with her had changed him. He would be forever grateful that "the territory" had come to include Amanda. That was the part that he liked a lot. He hoped that she had understood the full meaning of what he had been trying to say.
But he had also wanted to learn more about her. Often he had wondered what had motivated her to stay in this crazy job. As he had contemplated if there could be a future in the relationship that he wanted so badly to forge with her, it had become more and more important to him to know Amanda, to know how she thought and felt about things. The thrill that he felt course through him as he heard her describe her "silly idea" that somehow her work for the Agency could make a safer place for her children had made him vibrate in his deepest parts. They shared a sense of mission! So, maybe they were stuck in this crazy territory of the spy world? Maybe "normal" wasn't something he could ever attain, but maybe that didn't matter if they were stuck there together? They could be the perfect couple - if the territory didn't kill one of them first.
But tonight they were both alive and well. He had found Amanda and she had been in his arms dancing to lyrics that he could only hope would be true for them someday. "I got you to kiss goodnight, I got you to hold me tight, I got you, I won't let go, I got you to love me so." He had made a deal with the devil and he had won this time. And he would do it over and over and over again to be able to see Amanda's dear face and her sweet smile as her eyes searched every part of his face and her hands gripped his jacket as if she never wanted to let go. He hadn't cared that Billy and Falken and the rest had seen him embrace her.
But right now as he sped down the Arlington streets leading him away from Amanda's cozy home, he was beginning to think that he might get tired of the territory after all. He had been hearing those last lines of"their" song in his head the whole drive back to Amanda's house. There she had been, sitting next to him in his car. It had been sublime, chatting and laughing with Amanda about all of the people she had seen tonight. She had told him ridiculous stories from her teen years. And every chance he had gotten he had watched her face with eager anticipation of ending the evening with a good night kiss. He had pulled to the curb in his customary spot around the corner from her house. He had turned to her, spoken her name – and then the territory - the devil, had thrown itself right up between them like a fence. His car phone had rung, the one he was obliged to answer no matter what else was going on in his life. People that he had sworn to protect were in danger and once again he might have to risk his life to make a deal with the devil. And this time the territory could not include Amanda, and even more, she could not know what he was doing or where he was going in order for her to stay safe. His planned romantic ending to the pleasant evening had instantly become an abrupt departure and reentrance to his lone wolf existence for the sake of others. It was a job that someone had to do and he did it well. His only hope was that this job wouldn't cost him more relationships, especially this one with Amanda that had become so important to him.
