16

Window Reflections

The Triumvirate

She had quickly tiptoed in through the back door and had hurriedly moved into the dining room to the window overlooking the street. Pushing aside the curtain she could see the tail lights of the Corvette just turning the corner and leaving Maplewood Avenue. Her body may have been standing in her house, but her heart and her mind were still in the passenger seat of that car. The past few days seemed to have been filled with moments like this, moments when she had felt an intimate connection with Lee and then something would happen that would pull them apart so quickly it left her head spinning. Maybe standing there watching him drive away so quickly after such a pleasant evening was part of that territory they had talked about while they were at the Cumberland Grand? Maybe it was part of not being able to make any real plans, part of not knowing what the next minute held in the life of an intelligence operative? It really was beginning to touch every part of her life, especially now that she was beginning to allow Lee to touch every part of her life.

At first, she hadn't even wanted to go to her reunion. Trying to keep up a cover to hide her involvement with the Agency for an entire evening with old friends and acquaintances asking the routine "what have you been doing with your life" questions was going to be tedious. Even earlier this evening she'd hesitated about going. Sure, she knew Jepard and the rest of that triumvirate were safely locked away and in her head she knew that she was safe. But she still hadn't thoroughly shaken off that hunted feeling. Thinking about wearing that dress she had been shopping for the other day only brought back awful sensations of crawling around on the floor of the store while Jepard stalked her down. When she felt like that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be alone for an evening either. Lee's voice and his embrace had been what grounded her in the store and after she had escaped the furnace, but she had never considered that Lee would want to go with her to her reunion; it had been something that she assumed she would go to alone if she went at all. Having Lee there with her had helped her to transition back to "normal" life after such a harrowing experience. His company had also made keeping the IFF cover actually kind of fun. If they were going to be stuck with all of the complications that went with working for the Agency, at least they could be stuck with it together tonight. It hadn't been tedious at all with a partner. Lee was her partner at work and her friend, but for the first time she was starting to allow herself to imagine what it could be like to have Lee as a partner for more than just Agency time. There was just something about having him with her during normal life moments, like at her reunion with all of her old friends, the ones she used to dream about the future with, that was stirring her dreams at the moment. She wasn't quite ready to turn away from the window and let the night be over.

Tonight he hadn't been suave Lee Stetson. Of course, those "ancient threads" hadn't had the same effect as one of his tuxedos would have had, and maybe that was a good thing. After all the time they had spent alone together recently, she had gotten more and more familiar with what it was like to be with "just Lee". But tonight it hadn't been just the two of them alone either. Tonight he had been in a crowd of strangers and she had completely loved having "just Lee" by her side. And dancing with him, especially now since she had given her feelings for him the freedom to take flight…. Oh boy! She had been nervous about that! He had been gracious and let some of her old high school friends join her out on the dance floor. As the evening had begun to wind down and there were only a few moments left, they still hadn't danced together. To Amanda it had felt that dancing together was some sort of a boundary they were both nervous to cross. They had danced together before as part of a cover, but they weren't on a case and this was going to be something new. The song that was playing had always been a favorite of hers; it was a fun, playful one, so when Lee had offered her his hand, she didn't let the nervousness bubbling up inside of her get in her way. The song was perfect for them, not too romantic or slow, she could comfortably enjoy a dance with her friend and partner to "I've Got You, Babe" by Sonny and Cher. But she hadn't prepared herself. How often would she be surprised by whatever that amazing chemistry was that was brewing between them?

She had only wanted to let him know that those lines of Cher's about being sad and being scared had made her think of all the times Lee had been there for her, especially earlier today. The words had made her think of him standing outside her family room in that crazy 60's get up to convince her to go to this reunion. And of course, he was always there when she was scared, well, that was because she was always with him when things got scary… but he was always the one to comfort her and rescue her, and she couldn't help but think of how warm his embrace had felt when he had finally found her chained to a furnace in that awful industrial park and the way she had responded to the sound of his voice as he anxiously called her name in that 60's shop.

She had pulled her cheek away from his shoulder as they danced so that she could look him in the face and smile at him about those lyrics, but the look on his face had melted her and her knees had threatened to betray her. How could he do that to her? It was a good thing he had drawn her to himself so closely, she had needed the support. And this wasn't the first time she had reacted to the way he looked at her. That look on his face had been there before. He had taken her arms in both his hands and had leveled her with that sincere intense gaze as she had resigned herself to wait in the eternally long line at the Agency. He had insisted that he knew a faster way to deal with the check. Oh boy! She would follow him anywhere when he looked at her like that - to a trailer park and Lance Dorn… or into the spy world for that matter. Hadn't that been exactly what he had done when he had spun her around at the train station and asked her take his package?

But she hadn't been able to hold his gaze when he had perched himself on the back of the couch in the room at the Cumberland Grand. Never before had he been so forthcoming about his own life and even asking her about her own decisions about why she continued working for the Agency. Never before had she needed him to be so honest either. She had been trying to be serious; this had been the first time she had been hunted as the target, and she hadn't wanted him to brush her concerns off with trite sayings. But she also wasn't ready for how she would respond to such personal revelations and soul-penetrating looks from him. She had always been drawn to his eyes. She had always thought she could catch glimpses of what was truly inside Lee through his eyes, even from the very beginning when he would try to evade her more personal questions. But now? Oh my gosh! When he had looked at her like that she was sure she would turn into a puddle, and she was the one who'd had to look away, and yet, she wanted more and more.

She wasn't certain, but she thought that she had felt his eyes on her again as they had sat reading magazines while waiting later that evening. She had tried desperately to calm her nerves, to act like the professional patiently waiting to lure the criminal out. She had been so keyed up that she wasn't sure what she had been sensing. All she knew was that she wasn't sure if all of the nervousness she was feeling was due to being locked up in the Cumberland Grand worrying about her family and where this world class assassin was. Maybe he had only been wondering if she was ok or if she had looked tired. But thinking about it now that she knew she was safe and after the evening they had just had, she couldn't help remembering a quality to the look in his eyes as she caught his gaze over the top of her magazine. Maybe it hadn't even been his gaze, maybe it was the way he had looked away, as if he had been caught doing something he hadn't wanted her to see. It reminded her of the look on her sons' faces when she questioned them about the missing cookies in the cookie jar after watching them take them. They knew that she knew. What had Lee been thinking? She could feel the butterflies begin to flutter inside of her again just wondering about it.

And then there had been the way he had gripped her hand. She had grown accustomed to the way Lee had held her hand. It had seemed odd to her, but at the same time it had been a thrilling sort of comfortable familiarity between them. She had missed that simple action lately. Since Joe had returned, Lee hadn't reached for her hand again until yesterday. He had tenderly held the hand that she had placed in the crook of his elbow as he and Billy had escorted her into the Cumberland the other night, and she had been grateful for the renewal of that tender touch. So much so that she had wanted more of it. She knew that she had reached for his hand as the elevator door had closed. She had been preoccupied with how to explain to her mother that she had needed to get the boys and herself to a secure location, but she had been keenly aware of the warm comfort that had flooded her when she had found Lee's hand and he had surrounded it with both of his. Tonight, he had made a point of wrapping her hand in his, his thumb gently stroking her hand, during that part of the song when Sonny sang "put your little hand in mine, there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb." She had felt warmth surge through every fiber of her being when he had done that tonight, and she could feel it just as strongly now. She was beginning to believe that Lee was trying to communicate something very real to her. She was ready to hear it and wanted to find a way to let him know she felt the same way.

She could have written the rest of the words to that song; they echoed every dream that her heart was beginning to let herself acknowledge. " I got you to hold my hand, I got you to understand, I got you to walk with me, I got you to talk with me, I got you to kiss goodnight, I got you to hold me tight, I got you, I won't let go, I got you to love me so." She knew she had his hand to hold, and he really was the only one to understand her life now. She would gladly walk with him into and out of danger, and there really was no one else she could talk to now that so much of her life was shrouded in Agency "need to know" secrecy. The way his arms had felt around her outside that factory was something she wouldn't easily forget. All she had wanted when she knew the ordeal was over was to be wrapped in his embrace. She had grabbed onto his lapels as soon as she had gotten close to him and she knew that it was going to be impossible to let him go and tonight she was beginning to allow herself to feel pretty sure he was really and truly beginning to let her in. Would goodnight kisses and holding each other tightly ever be part of their story? Or was her imagination playing tricks on her? What had he meant when he had told her they would be "the perfect couple"? Maybe he had only been referring to him escorting her to the reunion? Maybe she was only imagining that he had held her so closely as they had danced? And dare she think about the words to the song? She wasn't sure when her imagination was playing tricks with her wishes and when things were actually happening.

But she did know that they were stuck in this territory together or at least they had been for the past three years. And he liked that she was there. She thought that was what he had been trying to say to her. It was territory where people you met one day might be killed the next. Territory where one minute you could be sitting on the couch quietly reading magazines and taking furtive glances at one another, alone with the man you were falling for, and then the next moment you were chained to a furnace preparing to die. It was territory where that wonderful man continued to show up at just the right time because he had made a deal with the devil and found you no matter what. Territory where you were pretty sure something wonderful was about to happen at the end of a perfectly normal evening and then his car phone rings and the world changes and he drives off into the night to face some unknown danger and you are left staring out of the window wondering what is real and what is not.

One thing she was sure of was that although Lee had lost a lot of relationships in his life, she wasn't going to let him lose this one that they were building. She was going to be there for Lee as he was for her. It didn't even matter if he wasn't beginning to care for her the way she was beginning to let herself care for him. She hoped so, but she was willing to be there, whatever that looked like, and for however long they had. They were stuck in this territory; they were stuck in it together. She didn't know if he wanted them to be the perfect couple in all of life or only for the evening, but they could be the best of partners and friends. And maybe there would be more… She was not only stuck in spy territory with him, she knew that the love that she felt for Lee Stetson was firmly planted in her heart and likely to keep growing there. She sighed, turned from the window, and prepared to go tell her mother as much as she possibly could about the reunion. Knowing how to tell her mother what she wanted to know while keeping from her what she didn't have a need to know was also part of the territory.