17

Scotch Thoughts

The Eyes Have It

He was in his bed finally. Everyone connected to him was safe at last. But he was restless - tossing and turning. He had even toyed with trying to find a way to sneak out of the bedroom to grab a glass of scotch with the hopes that it might help him to relax a bit and finally fall asleep. But he knew that even that was hopeless. It was no use. The wound on his arm was irritating him and his head ached, but more than that he was all stirred up inside, and it didn't matter what position he put himself in or how hard he tried to focus on his breathing, all he could think about was the woman sitting on his couch on the other side of those glass doors.

He had been dreading this from the moment Billy had announced Amanda's temporary AOS16 status. He had dreaded it and thrilled at each moment that her being assigned to him had entailed. He had thoroughly enjoyed letting her into his apartment with her arms loaded with groceries. He had treasured every sound of her moving about his kitchen, getting out pots and pans and the smell of her homemade soup. Sitting at the table sipping that soup and sharing conversation with Amanda about his emergency trip to St Marie and even being able to tell her about some of the members of the "family" on the Barnstorm list was something he had never experienced, and the joy that it brought him to share such things surprised him. But all during the evening he knew that this moment he was experiencing now was looming before him. This moment when he would be lying in his bed and she would be sitting out there in the living room on the couch with only these damn glass doors between them. He knew that he was going to have to fight a whole different sort of battle with himself before he would be able to fall asleep, knowing that before he knew it she would be coming into the room to wake him per doctor's orders. He was going to have to sort out what to do with the strong desires that he felt for Amanda, these desires that were stirring up his insides and keeping him from getting the rest that he needed in order to heal from the head injury that had relegated him to this current situation. Five days of rest and relaxation with Amanda overseeing all of it!

He knew if she had been any other woman from his past he wouldn't be lying there trying to figure out how to make it through the next five days. He would have taken advantage of the situation and it would have been passionate and fiery…. And over. But this was Amanda. She was his partner at work, she was his best friend. He had never known a woman like Amanda, and what he did know of her was not enough. Every time he got to know more about her, he knew there was so much more for him to know. He wanted her but he didn't want her the way he had wanted others. If he took advantage of the fact that she was about to spend the night alone in his apartment, if he acted on the way her presence moved him and the way he wanted to have her closer to him than his own skin now at this moment in their relationship, as wonderful as that might be, it would be wasted. He wanted to know her better; he wanted to know her better than he knew himself, and yet, still have things to discover about her. He wanted her to know him too so that they could have a solid foundation that something real and lasting could be built on. He wanted to get these raw desires under control because he didn't want to ruin his chances for something more, something even better.

He had to confess that having Amanda with a temporary status higher than his had momentarily rattled his cage. He had grown used to being her superior agent. For one brief moment, the fact that she could have that much control over him had unnerved him… and then it had intrigued and excited him. Yeah, he had played with thoughts about how he could take advantage of this situation; he had even given her some blatant appreciative glances in the hall outside of the bullpen while walking to the elevator, something he had tried so hard to refrain from as he had become aware of how much he cared for her. He had grown accustomed to his role as Amanda's protector, but over the past couple of days, he had really had a dose of learning what it was like to be interdependent with her. He knew that these next five days needed to be in the context of that give and take. Sure, she would be in charge of him, but he knew she wouldn't lord it over him, and he couldn't take advantage of the situation either. She would use that status to help him out so that he could be the agent he needed to be. That was why Billy had given her that temporary position. And he would let her because he knew that her place in his life was not just as a work partner, he wanted her to be the woman in his life and that was going to take some time. That was why he had wanted her to know how important she was to him. Maybe inviting her to be a part of the Barnstorm list wasn't really what he had wanted to say to her, but it was a start. He wanted her to know how significant she was to him; he had tried to infuse his words to her outside that elevator with as much meaning as he could. He could only hope that she understood.

Thinking these thoughts wasn't helping him to settle down and sleep at all. Turning over, he tried to rearrange the pillows and find a comfortable position. All that these thoughts were doing were making him think about everything that had happened since the last time he had been alone with Amanda. Then he had been about to end that wonderful evening of her reunion with a kiss when his car phone had rung and sent him off on the wild goose chase in the French West Indies. He had missed her terribly even though every moment had been consumed with finding Moss and the Barnstorm list. He had even entertained hopes that she would be the one to meet him at the airport. That was a latent dream that he'd always had, and he had never let it see the light of day until this return flight home. He had always wondered what it would be like to be met after a difficult trip abroad by someone eager to just see him again. Of course, he still had no idea what that was like because he hadn't had the luxury of a reunion, even though it had been Amanda waiting there.

All that he knew was that he had been fighting for his life and even his heroic escape had turned into a nightmare of vulnerability and dependence on another. But that other was Amanda, the one who helped him the most, the one whom he considered to be the foremost member of the Barnstorm list. He knew that not only could he trust her to help him, but he could rest in her care. Hadn't he relaxed when he saw that she was there on the couch in his hospital room? He could even remember how comforting it had been to have her hand joined with his during the blur of moments before he was whisked away from her and into the OR. Never before had he allowed himself to know that need for another person. Never before had he known the comfort of another's touch the way he had experienced Amanda's that day in the hospital.

He had needed her then, especially. Having his network threatened like that would have undone years of progress he had made in building trust between himself and all of those involved. In a certain sense he did think of them as "family". They were the people that were always in the back of his mind; he was always aware that he was responsible for their safety. That was why he had left so quickly the night of the reunion. Nothing else would have pulled him from that moment with Amanda. But as he lay there in that hospital bed, he knew that losing his network was not an option. Being told to take a back seat while others tried to locate the Barnstorm list was also not an option; there was no way he was going to allow his body's needs to betray his commitment to protect those people. He knew he couldn't stay put; he knew that leaving the hospital like he had would have concerned Amanda, it might even have angered her, but he also knew that he had no choice. He had walked out of hospitals before, but this time was the first time that he had ever been so aware that he was no longer as young and as resilient as he used to be. He was acutely aware of his own mortality; he wasn't a young and invincible agent any more. He was very aware that he was all alone again and being the lone wolf agent was no longer a source of strength.

Watching Amanda pull up to the curb in that ridiculous purple Gremlin had brought so much relief to him. In the past he would have groaned inwardly for so many different opposing reasons. Oh, early on he had wanted to maintain his hard fought lone wolf, self-destructive agent persona; he'd had no time to watch over a civilian. And then later on, he had wanted to keep her safe and unspoiled by the ugly parts of the job. But the other day just seeing her coming to join him had encouraged him and had infused his waning strength with new resolve. He did not want to be alone any longer, and he knew he didn't have to be. She had come because she cared, and he was grateful to the core. The other week they had talked about the territory their work placed them in. They were stuck with it because of the job they had both chosen to do. He knew that she had willingly chosen it and here she was willingly choosing to walk along side of him during this challenge. She understood that he had to put his life on the line. Maybe it hadn't been the foremost thought on her mind at the moment, but he knew that she too had reconciled the duty of their professional relationship. She had even done a remarkable job drawing Goldberg out with her bewildered and anxious "nos" as she pretended to watch him die on the operating table.

It wasn't their professional relationship that was keeping him awake though. He was tossing and turning now because he had no clue how to take what they had been able to create professionally and intermingle the way he felt about her personally into it. And he wasn't sure if she knew how to or even wanted to either. He had been afraid that he had almost blown it that first moment in his room with her. She was trying so hard to get him to rest, he knew that. He loved her mothering, it was something he hadn't experienced much of in his life until he had met Amanda. He loved watching her with her boys and there had even been times when he had welcomed it himself. But as much as her mothering had affected him and touched him deeply in the past, he hadn't wanted her to mother him now. He wanted her companionship and her presence and her friendship. He wanted her touch as a woman, not as a mother. He had been searching for a way to get her to just be there with him, not fussing over him. She had been so quick to try to leave, and he hadn't known what to do. He could still hear the way he had whispered "stay" to her. Never before had he begged a woman to stay with him. God, he wanted to ask her to stay with him again tonight.

The only problem was that Amanda was on the other side of that door and she wasn't near him. Her presence wasn't as comforting as it could be, in fact, it was a bit unsettling knowing that she was over there, knowing that he wanted her here with him, knowing where that could lead and as much as that was a wonderfully exciting thought it was also a terrifying and unsettling thought, and it wasn't the sort of thought to help him get the sleep that he needed. How ironic. Amanda was assigned to him to help him get rest and her very presence there was keeping him awake. Well, he had better just deal with himself. He knew how he needed to handle things, and when she came in to wake him, as he knew she would, he would just maintain his distance, thank her and go back to sleep. Hopefully, when he was back on his feet he could figure out the path he could take with Amanda so that if they were ever in a situation like this again, he wouldn't have to have just roll over and ignore how much he longed for her. Maybe someday he could be holding her instead? Maybe….