Dearest Readers,
Thanks for all of your comments, follows, favorites, etc. I've really enjoyed being able to get to know a few of you over the past year (so long, I know) and I can't wait to continue to get to know even more of you! I hope you are all safe!
Let me know what you think about this chapter!
Ally Layne.
Do Not Go Gentle
Chapter 38: Stripping it Down
Telling my friends about my past was easier than I had originally thought. I was lucky that I had friends who had their own stories they also shared, and it became a large sharing session that I had a feeling we all needed.
Varis and I, especially.
Wearing the dress without sleeves felt like a step toward something greater. I just didn't really know what that something greater really was, but I was feeling optimistic.
Arwen had the kitchen bring food to us in my rooms, where we all spent the night eating, drinking wine, and sharing different pieces of our past with each other.
Varis hoped to one day go back to the settlement of dwarves. She wanted to go back to the mountains, but something was keeping her back from it. She didn't really share why she wasn't going to go back, but it seemed like it was a matter of her wanting to but not being able to for some reason.
Dwarves really were quite secretive, so I didn't think pushing her for answers would get anywhere.
I talked about my old friends from my homeworld, where I was raised as a young warrior that they determined was too young of an age to go on the wild quests I encountered. For me, it was a matter of life. But for them, it was something far more sinister than I ever could imagine.
Alma, bless her heart, was muttering curses under her breath while Varis was full out demanding retribution against the gods of my world. "They should not send children out to do their duties! It is childish! It is vile! Those kakhuf inbarathrag!"
Arwen coughed as one of her hands went flying up to hold to her mouth, hiding the blatant shock on her face. Alma snorted and seemed to pleasantly agree with whatever Varis said, but Gerda and I remained clueless.
"What did she call them?" I looked at Arwen curiously.
The elleth was sporting a faint blush upon her cheeks. "I do believe she referred to them as goat turds," Arwen spoke, amusement clawing at her voice. "Though it has been some years since I have heard the dwarrow language spoken."
"Damn right I called those so-called gods of yours goat turds!" Varis exclaimed, hopping down from her spot. Her hands were taut in fists at her sides. "Why I oughta show them…"
"Varis sit down," I told her, rolling my eyes. I have to admit, I was touched that she got this fired up over what she thought was abuse in my childhood. But I didn't really think this was necessary. "Those gods are in a completely different world, so you are wasting your breath."
The dwarrowdam scowled and sat back down with a huff. She muttered something underneath her breath that made Arwen purse her lips and look down at her pointedly.
"What Lord Glorfindel told you was right, Persie," Gerda spoke, bringing silence among us all once more. "What happened to your friends and parents was not your fault. One can only be forced to sustain so much for so long. You were the victim, not the aggressor."
The pain I felt from reliving those moments while telling my story started to fade but lingered under my breast like a shadowy specter. I knew what happened, the pain, the brutal and never-ending rape… the point of giving in and telling the monsters of my friends and their weaknesses… this was going to haunt me forever.
But it didn't mean I couldn't live, too.
"You have been through a lot, and you will not have to continue to do this alone," Alma told me, moving to sit down at my feet and hold my hand tight. "I will be here for you whenever you need me."
Arwen looked over at me and I couldn't quite place the look in her eye as she stared deep into my soul. "Your fea was damaged from the unspeakable beatings and violence you were forced into. I know ways which the fea can be healed, but my Ada and Lord Glorfindel are far my seniors at such a task." A small smile broke through her tired complexion. "But I will do what I can to help you, as well. You need only ask, mellon nin."
I smiled sadly at my friend, grateful for her willingness to help. My eyes turned down to the open scars on my arms, and I traced a few of the larger and more horrific ones while lost in thought.
"Your scars do not make us think any lesser of you," Varis spoke. Her eyes, though still wide and fiery, now had something else that was more akin to understanding. "For dwarrow, the scars that we have are battle wounds that we all cherish and treasure greatly. Every scar is a battle won, and a moment your body forewent death and chose to live. Those scars are something you should honor, not hide from."
I sighed. "There were people in my world who thought the same, too," I admitted. "I just… it brings it all back whenever I see it. I don't want to remember. It hurts too much."
The screams that echoed from within the cave still continue to haunt my nightmares every night I fall asleep.
The others shared a brief look, and I noticed the passing of sorrow and feeling of frustration in their faces.
"This is not something you need to face for me," I told them. "This is something I need to deal with myself."
Gerda took a few steps to stand by the side of my chair, and placed a loving hand on my shoulder. "You may need to face these memories alone, but that does not mean that we will not be right at your side to offer support whenever you falter or become weary."
"You do not need to be fixed, Persephone," Arwen spoke, her melodious words echoing in a haunting harmony that sent chills down my spine. "You need only adapt to the change you have experienced. The version of you who entered Tartarus was not the one who escaped, and you need to come to terms with who this new version of you is before you can truly move onward."
I blinked. "But I don't feel like I'm so different, it's not like I haven't faced anything horrible or terrifying before."
"What happened in that cave broke you," Arwen explained, speaking slowly to gauge my reaction. "You were forced to put yourself back together far too quickly to be healthy as you were in the midst of a war. However, now you have time to mend those pieces and allow yourself to grieve and be who you need to be."
"I think it's safe to say I've grieved plenty for what happened to me," I said, thinking back to the day previous as well as the many days before that where I had broken down in tears. "Now I just want to put myself back together again."
Alma nodded, her blonde curls twirling with her movements. "What Arwen means is that you cannot expect yourself to be the same person once you go through the healing process, and in your terms, piece yourself back together. If you keep expecting to be the same person, you will never find peace with the results and remain at this unrest for the rest of your days."
I gulped. I didn't want that.
"How do I get better?" I asked, biting my lip when I realized just how childish my words sounded.
But they didn't mind.
"Ada and Lord Glorfindel can heal your fea, Persephone, as Glorfindel and I know the reasons for your fea's torment. The light which Glorfindel used to save you when the darkness attacked you was a version of that healing that he can do," Arwen said, clasping her hands calmly on her lap.
I nodded, remembering how the gold light had pulled me away from the pain and suffering. If that's what healing was like when I was under immediate duress, what would it be like if I wasn't? How good might it feel?
"However, if you and Lord Glorfindel do happen to court and end up falling in love," Alma started, pausing when Varis started to snicker to glare at the dwarrowdam. "If you fall in love with Lord Glorfindel, the healing of your fea may happen sooner than expected if you are to bond."
Arwen's eyes glittered. "A mating bond… true love, the only thing stronger than all the evils in the worlds."
I paused. "True what?"
Varis was laughing uncontrollably, nearly in tears at this point.
Arwen let out a breath before turning to Varis with all the grace of someone of her station. "Beings who have an innate connection with their fea have deep connections with each other that are irreplaceable and irredeemable in the eyes of the Valar. There is nothing that the power of finding who you are meant to be with for the rest of the years you face cannot overcome."
I blinked. "And you think that I have this weird pseudo connection with my fea?"
Arwen nodded straightly. "Of course, you would not have responded to the healing techniques of Lord Glorfindel and my father had you not."
Well, this just keeps getting better and better.
"Dwarrow have something called One's too, I think," Varis spoke once she had calmed herself down. "At least, from stories I've heard. It's apparently rare, and something that not all in my race experience."
"Is it from the lack of females?" Alma asked, not unkindly.
Varis shrugged. "I suppose. Mahal has blessed us all with something we are destined to achieve, whether it be with a life partner or be alone, and craft wed. Not one is greater than the other."
"How do you know if you are… mates with someone?" I uncomfortably asked.
Arwen looked at me curiously but nevertheless answered, "You can feel it within your fea when the one meant for you, destined by Illvutar, is there before your eyes. My Ada claims he knew my Nana was his mate from the moment their eyes connected across the halls of her mother and father."
And that means that if I were mates with Glorfindel, I would know by now.
Huh.
For some reason, my chest started to swell up with a sharp pain that reached into my lungs and pulled. I knew that I was a little upset with that realization, but I didn't know that I would have reacted this much if we weren't going to work out.
"However, it is different in many cases," Arwen continued, eyeing me warily as she probably noticed my distress. "Not all who meet their mates initially recognize the connection. Not everyone has such a deep intuition with their fea and not all connections are immediately brought to the surface right away. Sometimes these connections between mates take time."
"Which is why courting is important," Alma added, smiling at me knowingly. "I know you had a good time with Lord Glorfindel yesterday, what can you tell us?"
I was thankful for the change of topic, as my mind had already gone down the rabbit hole of not knowing what to do with this relationship I had with the Lord of the Golden Flower. All I knew is the thought of him being mated with someone else made me feel nauseous.
"Did the two of you kiss?" Varis asked, leaning forward in her chair excitedly. "I like to hear about these sorts of things, you know."
I bit my lip, and immediately questions started pooling from the others one after the other.
"How was it?"
"Did he treat you well?"
"Where did you go?"
I closed my eyes with a sigh. "Look, we didn't kiss. Well, we were close then my stomach interrupted and I can't deal with all of these massive cockblocks that keep being thrown my way! Can't I just liplock with the guy already?" By the end of my brief monologue, I was dramatically cursing at the sky. "Just let me kiss the elf, dammit!"
"I say you just go kiss him right now!" Alma exclaimed, throwing a fist in the air with glee. I didn't need to smell the wine from her breath to know she was getting faintly tipsy. And it was still daylight. Not even dinner, yet.
But this excitement got me thinking she was a bit buzzed, yes, but she wasn't completely wrong.
"When I go train, which is coming up relatively soon, I am going to kiss him." I decided, crossing my arms in defiance against the cockblocking gods against me. "I am just going to walk right up to him, grab his pointy ears, and kiss the elf."
The ellyth looked at me in shock.
"You are going to grab his ears?" Alma asked her quiet shock a complete turn from her excitement before.
"Ears are highly sensitive, Persie. I do not think you should do that in front of everyone," Gerda told me as she wrung her hands nervously in front of her.
"That might lead to something far too explicit for the training grounds," Alma finished, nodding to herself as she seemed to come to her own conclusion.
"For the training grounds? It is far too explicit before marriage!" Gerda exclaimed, placing her hands to her cheeks. "I am going to grab you a glass of water, you are speaking nonsense."
Alma waved her off and turned to look at me with wide, earnest eyes that seemed to have a difficult time focusing. "You go and you kiss him. Ears or no ears, he is going to kiss you back and then you will live happily ever after and get married with twenty children."
I started. "Twenty children?"
Alma nodded happily.
"That number does seem a little high, mellon nin," Arwen told the blonde, doing her best to let her down easily.
"Just imagine how beautiful their children would be. It would be a disservice to us all if they do not have at least twenty elflings," Alma demanded, crossing her arms stubbornly.
Okay, now the wine was starting to kick in.
"I think I should get to the training grounds and you should get Alma home," I told Arwen and Varis, who were watching our friend warily. "She needs a lot of water, food, and then maybe let her throw up to get it out of her system."
"You elves are lightweights," Varis chattered. "Dwarrow can go round after round and never once start to feel one drunken fervor."
Arwen nodded, though her eyes were focused somewhere else. "Let us bring her home," she told the dam, and together they helped the poor drunken soul out of my room. "I will hopefully check in with you before you sleep," Arwen told me. "I would like to discuss fea healing a little more if we have the chance."
I nodded and relished in the feeling of a weight off my shoulders for the first time in a long time.
"She is going to feel dreadful tomorrow," Gerda spoke after they left. "I will warn the kitchen staff to have something ready for her when she wakes."
I smiled at the brunette, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "You're an amazing friend, Gerds. Don't ever change."
The blush on her face was more than enough to push the demons away, for now at least.
After I changed into a sleeveless training tunic, much like what the other ellon wear when fighting (if they choose to wear tunics at all), Gerda brought me to the training arena where eyes immediately locked in on me once the white and pink scars were visible for all to see.
"Why is everyone so insistent on staring at me?" I grumbled, leading to Gerda grasping my wrist in a tight squeeze.
"You will be fine. You are strong, and Lord Glorfindel is here. He can help, remember?"
I looked at Gerda sheepishly. "I'm overreacting?"
The elleth shrugged. "If you think you are, sure. But it is normal to worry about taking a big step such as this. Though, you should not worry as I know all will be well."
I let out a nervous chuckle, waving to her as she took her leave.
"You look wonderful, Nemir," A voice came from behind me. I swirled around to see Glorfindel standing there with a grin on his face, eyeing me up and down. "You look strong. That is good."
Another nervous chuckle escaped my lips. "Just good?"
He raised a brow. "Positively ravishing, in my opinion, but let us not discuss this here."
I blinked.
I was not expecting that.
"Ai! All of you get back to work, why are you all stopped?" Glorfindel barked out, and immediately the other soldiers started to form ranks and go about their routines.
"I know my scars are intense and all, but I didn't think that it would warrant this much attention," I told the golden-haired elf. "I'm sorry for interrupting all of this just because of my arms."
Glorfindel's eyes widened slightly and he opened his mouth to speak, just as another voice chimed from my side, "Neneth! Pleasant to see you back on the training grounds!"
I gasped, seeing Elladan and Elrohir standing there- both looking completely healed and good as new. "What the Hades, Elladan! You didn't tell me you were healed up?"
The son of Elrond shrugged, stringing his bow on his back. "I would have told you had you not gotten yourself admitted to the healing halls again."
I smiled weakly at the stern tone. "I wasn't my fault this time, I swear."
He let out a dramatic sigh, though fell back into line next to his brother. I could tell his eyes had been snapping down and looking at my scars, but I let him have the upper hand and chose not to say anything.
But, apparently, I didn't need to speak at all. "Hey, Persie! It is nice to see you airing out your arms, all warrior-like and against Lady standards!" Aldarian exclaimed as he walked toward us from where he had been sparring with Lord Geoffry and a few other ellon. Geoffry head over to speak with us as well after noting my presence with a smile.
"Well, you know, it just got too hot for me to wear those god-awful long sleeves," I complained, ignoring the eye-roll coming from Goldilocks.
"Are you feeling better?" Geoffry asked, placing a solid hand on my shoulder. "It was worrying when I heard what happened. But I trust that Lord Glorfindel helped you well enough."
I nodded, throwing Glorfindel a side-eye and nearly laughed at the perturbed glare he gave Geoffry. "Yeah, he did well enough I suppose."
"So well they went out courting another time," Aldarian commented, raising a brow between the two of us. "Is there something we need to be aware of? It is important to know about changes in dynamics."
I shared a look with Goldilocks, but I knew it was nothing to do with what they thought it was. I knew I had to be open and honest with these guys if I was going to trust them on the battlefield and hopefully keep them as my allies and friends.
"Well, there is something I need to tell you," I said, getting their attention. "And it has nothing to do with Lord Goldilocks and I."
Elladan shifted his feet slightly. "Does it have to do with your scars?"
I let out a laugh. "Obviously. I know you guys have been trying to not stare and all, but you've been too obvious for me not to notice. Don't worry, it's normal to be a little freaked out by these babies."
I ran a hand along one of my gnarliest raised scars that spanned from my shoulder to my elbow.
"There are some things that Persie would like to share with you and to do so I think we should move to a more private area," Glorfindel voiced, bringing a hand to the small of my back to guide me out of the training arena and to the commanding offices. "There is a room ready for us over here."
I paused, looking up at Glorfindel as the others moved ahead. "You knew?"
His answering grin brought light into my heart. "Of course I knew. I know you, Nemir, and this is something you have been needing to do for a long time."
I nodded, looking at our friends who walked toward the office rooms with a daunting feeling. "Do you think they're going to be mad?"
Glorfindel raised a brow. "Yes, I do."
My heart skipped a beat. "You… you do?"
He choked out a laugh, and quickly amended, "No, Nemir, they will not be angry with you. Rather, at what happened to you, just as I am. Just as all of your friends are."
He leaned down, and I felt a hopeful feeling arise in my stomach. Closing my eyes, I prepared myself mentally for the first kiss I would ever have with this man, and boy was I ready. I was more than ready.
I didn't need to grab his ears at all, even though that certainly would be interesting with how sensitive they are-
His lips brushed my forehead.
Wait, seriously.
Okay, c'mon, this is not-
He smiled down at me, just the same as he always has. I was confused. My… my forehead? What are we, brother and sister?
"Let us go, Nemir, before they decide to prank us on our arrival."
I let out a snort of laughter while mentally continuing to curse myself and my inadequate flirting skills. This was so not what I had planned.
We hurried to the offices, where the others were seated at a long white table. There were different scrolls and tomes spread out for various purposes I cared little for, as I did my best to find the courage I would need to make it through the next hours.
A hand slid into mine, and I found my courage.
Then, with Glorfindel at my side, I told the ellon about what happened to me in the other world, and well, let's just say that we're lucky Imladris was still standing when they finished.
They all had become like brothers to me, that I knew for a fact. But it was then that I realized that I had become like a sister to them too, and amidst the chaos, I found a new home.
