17
Window Reflections
The Eyes Have It
At home Amanda always looked forward to the quiet of the house when everyone was in bed after a long day, but tonight the quiet was so loud it was unsettling. Tonight she wasn't at home. Tonight she was executing the responsibilities of the temporary AOS16 status that Billy had given her and so she was sitting there on Lee's couch surrounded by files - files that she had no attention span for. All she could do was stare at her reflection in the French doors that separated the living room from the bedroom. All that she could think about was the man lying in the bed on the other side of that door – that door with the glass panes, the ones covered with a thin layer of fabric. That fabric stood out to her tonight, as if it was the only thing covering her heart. After what she had experienced with Lee over the past couple of days, she knew that there was only a thin layer of something that separated her from the amazing man on the other side of it, but it was there.
The silence was unsettling for a myriad of reasons. She knew that it probably meant that Lee had finally fallen asleep. It had taken a long time for him to stop tossing and turning. She could hear every rustle and creek of the bed as he struggled to finally give into his body's need for rest. But even though she should have been content that he was finally sleeping, the quiet coming from his room unnerved her. It reminded her too much of the act they had all performed in the operating room earlier today. She had known that feigning Lee's death on the operating table had only been a ploy to draw Dr. Goldberg out, but it had to be convincing and so she had put every bit of the method acting skills she could think of to work. The problem was it had made her touch emotions and possibilities that she had been trying not to think about. As the monitor had flat lined, she could feel despair creeping in. What would it have been like to actually lose Lee? It was always a possibility. The actual reality of it had hit her like a brick the moment she had first seen him being attacked in the airport parking garage, and it was threatening to continue to haunt her even now as she sat on the couch in his living room listening for the evenness of his breathing while he slept.
She had been so eager to see Lee again. She had known that something important must have happened to cause him to take off like that the night of her reunion. As each day had gone by with no word from him or about him, she had grown increasingly concerned. She kept trying to tell herself that he went on missions like this all the time, secret missions that caused him to disappear. She was sure that he had been off on cases like this during the time that she had known him. But telling herself that hadn't stopped her from missing him this time– terribly. It was a very new sensation, and she wasn't exactly sure what to make of herself. She was grateful that Billy had been willing to give her some assurance that Lee had made his check-ins, but she sure hoped that he hadn't thought her too eager when she had offered to pick him up at the airport. She was sure Francine had noticed though, she was probably storing all of her observations up for some snide remark later on. Amanda had tried not to care; she had only wanted to see Lee again as soon as possible.
They hadn't even been able to greet each other. He had taken the steering wheel of her car and attempted to make a quick getaway from the men who had been attacking him. Her alarm had only increased as she watched him struggle to maintain consciousness. She hadn't known how much emotional energy it had taken for her to remain calm while she made sure he had the proper medical attention until they had released each other's hand and he had disappeared from her sight as he was wheeled around the corner into the OR. What if missing Lee became a permanent thing?
But it hadn't this time. She had stayed near him all night trying to get comfortable on the couch in his hospital room. When he had finally awakened, the relief she had felt surged through her as she rushed to be at his side again. She hadn't even noticed that she had taken his hand. Or had he taken hers? It didn't matter. All that had mattered was that Lee was with her again, and she was determined to make sure he would have a chance to heal. Keeping Lee Stetson down was hard, but added to his determination to be in the thick of the investigation was the loyalty he felt to the people on this "Barnstorm List" of his, the people he called "the Family." Oh, she loved that about him, his determination to protect the people he had asked to trust him. If only he would trust the people who cared for him and let them help him. The fact that he had left the hospital without being discharged had frustrated her. She had wanted so badly to just take care of him and help him like a partner should. It had seemed to her as if he had taken matters into his own hands again, as if he had become the lone wolf agent again, and she found herself feeling defensive. What if he didn't want her help?
So what if Billy hadn't told her to "stick to him like glue" exactly? Billy had given her the assignment to make sure that Lee got his rest. She had prepared her defense the entire drive to the park in that crazy purple Gremlin. That car and its bucking felt like her relationship with Lee at the moment, and she had been almost completely exasperated by the whole ordeal by the time she had found Lee. But Lee hadn't cared that her presence there was because Billy had told her to be there. He had said that he was just glad that she cared enough to come along. Those words of his had taken her breath away. He hadn't wanted to be the lone wolf at all; instead, it had seemed to her as though he had been willingly leaning on her, that he was allowing himself to be almost dependent on her in this moment when he was so weak. Sure, he had groused at her and given her a hard time about lying down in order to get some rest, but in the end he had gone with her, had allowed her to lead him into his bedroom and lay down.
That was where she had almost lost herself. That was where her responses had almost threatened to spin out of control and she hadn't known what to do. It was easy for her to mother; it was second nature for her to make sure her charge took his medicine, and she knew just how to help a sick young man settle down so that he could nap. Maybe she had become unsettled because her dutifulness to doctor's protocol had almost killed Lee with those pills? Maybe not? She had only ever entered Lee Stetson's bedroom once before and that was under great duress due to amnesia and she hadn't even been sure who she was let alone who he was. But here they were sitting next to each other so comfortably. Francine was right, it had been a cozy moment, but she was determined not to let herself slip and let any of the growing feelings she had for Lee stop her from doing her job. She was helping her friend, her partner in a time of intense stress. He needed to rest and he needed to know that his team was helping him.
Need? What was it that Lee had really needed? He had rebuked her; at least that was how it had felt to her at first. Lee had rejected her, he had rejected her mothering. Oh, she knew she could get overbearing with it sometimes. Well, it was second nature to her. She had been mothering for 14 years. In fact, she had left behind any other way of relating to others in order to mother because she'd had to in order to take care of her sons when Joe had left. Lee had told her that he appreciated what she was doing, but he didn't need to be mothered and it had stung her. Even now as she thought about that moment, it surprised her how quickly she was willing to withdraw. But he had stopped her. He had sounded pained or hurt or maybe pleading? She could still hear his voice clearly in her head; she could feel the way his hand had felt gripping her arm, willing her to stay. "No, no!" and then the raspy whisper that she only dreamed of in unguarded moments of thought, "stay a minute?" Stay a minute? Oh, god! She would stay forever! But she couldn't, wouldn't let him know how much she wanted to stay. She still wasn't certain what he wanted from her except that he didn't want her to think he was rejecting her, he needed her somehow in some way. At least she knew that he needed her presence then, to be his partner, his friend. And he had finally rested.
He was resting now. She had brought him home and made him homemade soup. They'd had companionable talk while they ate and then she had cleaned up while he had gotten into bed. Now he was there on the other side of that shrouded wall of glass. She was going to have to go in there within the next hour to wake him, doctor's orders. It was the protocol for a repeat concussion; 24 hours of continual observation to insure that there was no bleeding in the brain that could cause the patient to slip into unconsciousness, and in order to monitor that, the caretaker was to awaken the patient periodically. But this time, they were alone in Lee's apartment, no team of agents working all night in this living room. Just she and Lee… alone, all night. What if he stopped her from leaving his bedroom again? What if he spoke to her with that pleading voice again and asked her to stay with him? What if he told her that he needed her, wanted her? Her heart was pounding and her head was spinning. All of the sensations she had kept lidded the last time she had sat beside him on his bed were flooding her now. It had been so long since anyone had made her feel that way.
She reached for the fattest of the files that she had brought with her. Billy had given her her first assignment as Agent of Record. She would bury herself in those files. She would focus on the job. She couldn't let her guard down; she couldn't give in to her emotions. Not yet. Not without more of a sign from Lee about what he really wanted from her. Oh, this was fire she was touching! She knew she wasn't imagining it anymore. She was convinced of it when he took her hand and kissed it while waiting for the elevator. She could tell by the look in his eyes, that look that made her knees melt, her stomach fly into her chest and heat to flush her entire being. But she wasn't the type of woman that would let a fire burn out of control. Even though she had stopped trying to keep her feelings for Lee at bay and had begun to allow herself to believe that something special was growing between them, she wasn't willing to risk their special friendship and her position as his partner at the Agency just for one moment of unguarded passion. She had never done that before and she wasn't going to start now - no matter how tempting it would be. If she could only make it through tonight, she could make it through the next four days. She wouldn't have to be here all day and all night after tonight. And then everything would return to normal – whatever that was.
