December 31, 1955
Crabapple Cove, Maine

Thank GOD, Mrs. O'Reilly and Radar left yesterday. It has been a busy week with them. Radar was not so bad. He regaled us with tales of his life after he went home. His help was killed in a tornado. His farm is gone. His marriage is in shambles. And now, he's a police officer! It's amazing how much Radar has grown up, even through the disappointment of his marriage to Sandy.

Mrs. O'Reilly was a handful. She treated all of us like we were children and she was in charge of the house. But remaining as innocent as the day I was born was annoying. I could not be myself. And the cleaning! It was helpful, but Mrs. O'Reilly had reorganized the whole house to her standards. It took time for us to figure where everything was because she moved everything.

I can understand why Mrs. O'Reilly was so uptight. I mean, she lost her home and moved to another state to live with her aunt. She isn't happy staying on someone else's charity. Her son does not live with her anymore and she no longer has a daughter-in-law. It's enough to make an old woman grab anything she can.

This is why I did not explode on her. It grated on my nerves somewhat, but Dad calmed me down and told me I could do as I pleased when they left. He allowed Mrs. O'Reilly rein over the house because the reign was going to end. If he could handle it, so could I.

Christmas was wonderful though. I did not expect Radar to bring us anything. He even played with the girls and their new toys. Shannon was becoming more and more of an artist and he tried to help her with her new paint set. Then, he helped Annabeth with her letters. Santa was nice to help our budding storyteller bring something to help her put a pencil to paper.

This was our third Christmas away from Korea and another postwar year was coming. Already, we had them filled with love and joy. Tonight, the Pierce family is stopping in. Dad's brothers and sisters and their children and grandchildren are arriving to celebrate the holidays, as they normally do. Dinner is in the oven and I am tired.

Something else is bothering me. Love is not here. Hawkeye has been working more hours at the clinic. He requested the time off. The receptionist, Anna, even said the form went through and he was initially approved. He was denied at the last minute and given more time in the office. He will not be back until late tonight, long after everyone went to bed.

I have my suspicions as to why this is happening. Cochran could have had his hand in this. But I cannot make accusations myself. While I am more respected in town, I do not want to ruin it. Cochran can use that against me and I cannot bear it. I have to use the town's disapproval of him to my advantage somehow. I'll figure it out when the time comes.

It's enough that the harassment is continuing and the girls are scared to leave the house without one of us. There are so many times a child can see dead carcasses of animals, straw figures of Daddy and Grandpa and words in blood in the windows. Annabeth, most of all, cannot bear to go anywhere. Even with Shannon, she cannot face the outside world. And Shannon is a little girl with a wide sense of the world that does not want to admit she knows reality more than a child her age should. She does not want to thrust herself into the role of adult.

It's so scary to me. Both of my girls understand what is going on. However, each one of them tackles it differently. One is utterly shy and the other is deeply depressed. I do not know what to do for them. How can I tell them it is something not of their doing? How can I explain hate and revenge to them? It's so damned difficult!

My mind tells me to be truthful. My heart says to leave their innocence alone. But all of it mixed together explains that I am too late. My daughters already know the world for what it is. They cannot turn back the clock and be babies again.

Oh, shit, I have to be positive. I cannot dwell on this. I have to hold them all together. One day, they will leave me. I have to prepare them…

Another thing, something happy maybe to distract me: TC is finally coming to visit. This too has me anxious! After almost two years of letters, we decided that it was time to see each other. She will drive up from New Hampshire with her sons in late January, weather pending. She will also come in April, when the twins are born. She told me it was something she could not miss!

There, that could be my ticket. A friend arriving in Crabapple Cove might make me feel better. Besides, the boys are about the same age as my girls. TC's youngest is a year younger than Shannon and her oldest is two years older. It won't be so bad, with all of them playing together. I just won't be able to chase them.

And rightfully so! I feel like this is the biggest I'll ever be. Carrying twins is heavy. While I am tired like in previous pregnancies, I also cannot walk well. I cannot balance either. Every time I try, I am waddling like a duck and holding into anything I can to be steady. Once, reaching into the closet for Hawkeye's suit, I somehow fell backwards and could not get up. When he realized I was stuck, Hawkeye was laughing at me for half an hour before helping me up. The jokes continued.

"Here comes the turtle," Hawkeye will say.

Dad is no better. Other than turtle jokes, he will try to prank me and I am sure Hawkeye was in on it too. Every time Dad allowed me to do housework, there was something he and Hawkeye did that required my exasperated attention. Hawkeye's old gorilla suit needed to be picked up from the cleaners once. Some giggling child was trapped in a crate or tied to the swing on the back porch. The stairs between the first and second floor was covered in sand and melting snow.

The list goes on and on. I am sure the pair do it to keep me laughing. There is little to laugh about these days. With the ugly things continuing, we cannot keep ourselves trapped in terror. We have to face it with a smile. It will end. It has to!

~00~

The New Year holiday brought another surprise to us. In the early days of January, Margaret and Keith drove across the country to Portland again. There was a medical conference there and Keith hoped to catch Hawkeye there. Margaret preferred to stay with us and took a taxi into town. When there was a knock on the door and Mrs. Pettigrew opened it to the former head nurse, she called me from the bedroom.

I hobbled out, excited. "Margaret! What are you doing here?"

"You're as a big as a house!" Margaret ran upstairs and hugged me. "Is there more than one baby in there?"

"Twins," I confirmed, muffed against her thick coat. "I am dreading it."

Margaret ignored the last jab. She hugged me tighter and dragged me down to the living room, seating me on the couch. She hardly put her things down before the girls came to see her.

"Auntie Margaret!" Shannon exclaimed.

Annabeth stayed behind her sister. She was cautious. She knew Margaret well, but was fearful. To her, Margaret brought the outside world to the inside. When Shannon finished hugging her, she came forth. Margaret studied her little namesake for a moment before scooping her up and holding her tightly.

"It'll be all right," she said in a soothing voice, almost like she was with a patient in Post-Op. "Nothing is going to hurt you."

Annabeth calmed down with the reassurances and seemed renewed by the energy. Margaret put her down and the two girls ran off to go outside. Mrs. Pettigrew was soon on their tails. She yelled at them about not getting their overalls and bibs dirty and to not track so much sand in the house. I heard the back door shut. The house was silent.

Margaret sat with me. "What happened?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I was confused.

"Well, I saw a pig body in your front yard. That's not normal."

"It's been happening for a while."

"That's horrible! Who's responsible?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "There's too many politics with Hawkeye's work. It could have been anyone."

"What?" Margaret was surprised. "What politics? Who is picking on Hawkeye?"

"There's a doctor," I began.

"Oh! Like Frank, right?"

"Well, he has some attributes of Frank. He's in his own category."

"And he does not like Hawkeye much?"

"To be honest, Melvin Cochran doesn't like me either. He makes Hawkeye's life a living hell if he can't reach me."

"And you think him and his cronies are up to no good?"

"I don't believe it, Margaret. I know it."

Margaret huffed. "What are you going to do about it?"

Immediately, the old spy in me studied her. Margaret was out for revenge. Once she hears of someone scheming against people she loves, she is going out for blood. Now that she has a name, she wants the information of how we're handling it. My only chore was to ensure that she didn't do anything rash. One wrong move and we were done for.

"Wait," I cautioned her. "There will be a chance."

"Like hell there won't!" she yelled at me. "Your daughters are scared! Your house has been threatened. And you tell me you're going to wait? Tell me where this creep is. I'll punch him. Then, I'll get the rest of them."

"Portland," I confirmed, "and you won't be able to reach him."

"Oh, so rich family and deep roots here?"

"Yes to both. But his roots are being uprooted. He's pissed off a few people actually.

Margaret thought for a moment. "I see. Well, you know, I'll be down at Eddie's later, drinking. If he comes to town, there won't be anyone stopping me."

I was relieved. I had to change the topic though. Keeping Margaret on ice was getting on my nerves. I felt like a failure in Margaret's eyes. It was almost like the beginning days of the war. She always accused me of anything possible and looked to the Army manual for help. I was trying to find my footing in a place that had no meaning.

She was right. My daughters were scared. And there I was, carrying on like nothing happened. I had to lead by example, I thought. I knew nothing else. If I was calm, then they had to be too. They could still hold on and learn.

Shaking my guilt away, I told her about Radar and his mother coming for Christmas. I complained about how the house was turned upside down and how we had to organize it after they were dropped off at the airport the week before (I did say that I appreciated the help too). I didn't tell her much about Sandy, but mentioned that Radar married her and she left him during their honeymoon in Iowa.

Margaret gasped, hearing about his marriage. "That little sneak! How could she do this to him?"

"Scheming mothers," I explained. "Some mother liked her daughter to be married and another mother wanted her son to be married. They got together and planned a wedding."

"Radar's mom wanted her son to be married?" Margaret was skeptical. "It doesn't sound like her."

"Well, if someone wants grandchildren so badly, I am sure she'll do anything to make it happen. She can't take care of him forever."

"What will Radar do? I mean, he can divorce her, I suppose. But would he?"

"If they can find her, I am sure he will go through with it. He had his doubts. He went on, despite it."

The glimmer in Margaret's eyes reminded her of Donald. That was too easy. She did not have a scheming mother, since hers was still in prison for stealing, but she remembered how quick it was to pick up another man and marry him. It was a memory I knew that she wanted to put behind her.

I held her hand tightly. "He'll be ok. I am sure we all will be. This is a new life for us. There are lessons we have to learn. It's different for all of us."

"You can say that again," Margaret said.

At that point, we were out of things to say. Mrs. Pettigrew had returned with Shannon and Annabeth and a familiar smell was coming from the kitchen. They needed a bath and lunch. Mrs. Pettigrew was taking care of that. She suggested that Margaret and I move to the kitchen and have some coffee.

"That sounds wonderful!" Margaret exclaimed.

"It does," I conceded, gagging at the scent, "but if I can drink it too. Some days, I wish things were back to normal. I can't wait to drink coffee again."

~00~

Margaret was still hanging around Crabapple Cove when TC arrived. The weather had been fair in the days before her impending visit. While there were a few instances of snow, it was not enough to stall any trips. TC left New Hampshire as planned and arrived in our driveway early one morning, while we were all having coffee.

Keith had taken his car and driven from Portland to join Margaret. He wanted to tell Hawkeye all about what he learned and who he saw. Mrs. Pettigrew was also invited for coffee while Larry was working. So, it was a tight table. Five adults and two children sought attention wherever possible. When there was a knock on the door, Hawkeye and I anticipated the ship was going to be overrun by more little pirates.

I answered the door, with Hawkeye behind me. Before me was TC and her sons, Gary, Tom and Ronald. They were dressed and cleaned and appeared in every way to be going to church. They also fidgeted, eager to be off and running.

"Oh, my God, Jeanie, you're so fat," TC blurted out, giggling.

It was a shocking greeting. It also made for an awkward scene. Nobody moved, not even the three boys in front of her. I couldn't help it though. I started laughing with her. Hawkeye smirked.

"She gets any bigger, I'll have to widen the door frame," Hawkeye mentioned.

I stepped aside. "Come in."

TC and her sons entered. She and I exchanged pleasantries and I introduced everyone, from Hawkeye to those at the table. Her boys were becoming more and more antsy from being on good behavior. I told them to find a place at the table. While Dad grabbed more chairs, I went to find cups, mugs, plates and utensils from the kitchen while they settled in.

I returned and passed everything out. Breakfast was already laid out on platters in the center of the table. I sat back down and told everyone to serve themselves. TC helped the younger two, Tom and Ronald, and left Gary to himself. Gary was near Shannon and hardly touching a thing except her. Usually, he pulled her black braids while sipping on his orange juice. She told him to stop several times.

"I am not doing anything," he protested to her.

But he did it again and we all saw him. I don't know how many adults told Gary to keep his hands to himself. Even Shannon told him again to stop or else she'd punch him. I knew that tone of voice. It was the same one Hawkeye used. It was do it or else there will be dire consequences.

Gary pouted. "Mom, she's threatening me."

TC ignored him. Hawkeye said something to Shannon about making coercions. I knew that this was not going to end well. For one, Hawkeye and disciplining was not a good mix. He could hardly say no to the girls. For another thing, Shannon had a temper and was defensive. She knew how to be alluring, but also to keep hands off of her. And we were not the ones who taught her.

We all turned out backs for a moment. To be honest, nobody knew what happened except the children, but we could all take a guess. Gary went for Shannon's hair again. As soon as his fingers twisted, my daughter was up and her fists hit Gary's nose. When we heard the screaming, all of us turned to see Gary on the floor, blood flowing from his nose. Shannon was holding him down with her legs.

"I told you, stop it or I'll punch you," she said.

I feigned anger. "Shannon, get off of him!"

"Not unless he promises to stop it," she retorted.

"I promise, I promise!" Gary pleaded. "Now, can you get off of me?"

Shannon climbed off of him. Gary stood up. He would have grabbed her again had TC not gotten up and twisted his arm behind him.

"Do you have anywhere I can clean him up?" she asked me pertly.

Dad pointed her to the exam rooms. TC entered with Gary and slammed the door behind her. While she rummaged through the drawers, we all heard her yell at Gary. But we had to deal with Shannon. She could not go without punishment.

"I told him –" she started.

"We will talk about this later," I said sternly. "Finish eating. Go to your room afterward."

Luckily, breakfast went on without another incident. Shannon obeyed me with her arms crossed and her lips sticking out. Hawkeye promised me he'd handle it. He suggested TC, Margaret and I take a walk on the beach. The rest of the children were interested in running in the opposite direction. TC expressed that Gary was responsible enough to watch the others.

"It's difficult, without my husband around," she explained to us when we started walking. "When he was killed in Korea, Gary was devastated. He was very close to his father and remembered him."

"I am so sorry," Margaret offered.

TC waved her hand dismissively. "It's been almost four years now. I miss him. I damn the war when I am angry. But I cannot be like this. I have to watch out for my sons."

"Sometimes, I feel the same way," Margaret said. "I am angry because of the war. Then, I remember how many people I love because of it. Then, I am glad."

I didn't have anything to add. What Margaret said was true. If I didn't transfer to Korea, I am sure that I would have been dead by now and by my own hand. Hawkeye would have lived a hollow existence here. People would have been dead in Crabapple Cove and nobody would be the wiser. The children would never be. We would never have had the support and love we shared with many others.

I damned the war too. It made all of us cagy of civilian life, but closer to each other because of the experiences we shared. But I cannot deny that it brought some good to us. Margaret listed many things to TC, including her marriage to Donald and the educations she learned, release from the Army being a blessing and more.

"What about you?" TC asked me. "What makes Korea so good?"

"That I learned that love can happen again," I replied stoutly. "It doesn't have to be for one person."

TC nodded sagely, but frowned. "You're as generic as ever, Jeanie. You don't have to be so secretive."

"Oh, she's been like this," Margaret told her. "She doesn't like talking much."

TC was stuck in the middle between us. To her right, she linked with Margaret. On her left, there was me. TC's gentle fingers glided past mine, but they also touched the scars on my wrists. She remembered. She was the one who discovered them in nursing school. She never reported me, but she chided me about it.

Margaret continued to chat on, like nothing was happening. But I knew what TC and I were doing. Our old link from so long ago was rekindled. The closeness of our youth reconciled with the war wary nurses that tended to families and houses. When before I was indifferent to her efforts, I was now appreciative. Add in Margaret, this was a perfect morning. I liked nothing more than to be with women like me.

We made it to the wetlands and turned around. We passed Mrs. Pettigrew's house and continued long in the other direction. Eventually, Margaret grew tired and decided to head back. TC and I waved her ahead and told her we'd catch up. I had to take it slow anyway. I was growing more and more tired.

When Margaret was far enough ahead, TC turned me so that I faced her. With her hands resting on side of my face, her forehead met mine. Her eyes were wet with tears. She was so happy, I could tell.

"You're so different," she told me, "and you're still the same good person. I am so glad you found love."

"He was not the first," I told her. My hands wrapped on top of hers. "Hawkeye is the second man."

"I missed you so much, Jeanie. What did you do in West Germany?"

"They made me wear a gun. They made me a part of conspiracies. Almost everyone I knew is gone."

"What did Korea do to you?"

"It almost killed us both. The only good is my new home."

It stopped TC. She took a deep breath. "Whatever happened there made you stronger. Remember that."

We let go of each other. Already, the children were heading our way. Gary was leading the charge. While he was the obvious leader, he had my eldest daughter in rapt attention. Oddly enough, Shannon was interested in everything Gary was saying. She even responded to him. There was no fighting between them.

"We'll talk later." I hooked my arm back into TC's. "Let's see what they want."

"Love," TC told me. "Trust me. They want to make sure they're doing good and walk away. That's the way children are, Jeanie. They want the reassurance and then, they go. Enjoy it while you can. It might not last much longer. And I think that's a part of motherhood you haven't grasped yet."