18

Scotch Thoughts

Wrong Number

Closing the door to the Q Bureau he let himself lean against it and relaxed with the strength of the door supporting him. He let out a long slow breath and then inhaled. The smell of Chinese food was still lingering in the small office. Chinese food without MSG. He could still clearly feel the amazing pride and love even that he had felt standing there in the bullpen the other day holding that print out of the chemical contents of a carton of Chinese food. Amanda had held her own because she had believed that her research concerning William Towne had been accurate. God she was smart and strong and excruciatingly beautiful! Especially when she was smiling in relief at him like that because he finally recognized her work! Damn it! Why had he given her such a hard time? He could hear his own words to Amanda answering him. "Most of the time we only think that we know, therefor I can never know you too well." Maybe that was the crux of his problem these past few days. He wanted to know her better; he wanted to know her better than anyone else, and the closer he seemed to get the further away he felt he was.

Now that Billy was giving her her own assignments, he knew he couldn't make a move toward a personal relationship, at least not until she was more established on her own at the agency. It seemed like there were always 1001 reasons for him not to pursue anything with Amanda, but he just couldn't convince himself either way. The only way he had ever known to function as an agent was to not get entangled -with any one, especially his partner and trainee. It had looked like they were going to be at logger heads during this last case. As he had surveyed the apparent Towne during that drop, he had been torn between concern that Amanda was making a huge mistake and disappointing her that her diligent work had been all wrong. Then, man it had infuriated him that she had been so stubborn. He knew that a part of him was taking it personally; part of him knew he was throwing it out of proportion because of the general frustration he was feeling about the state of his feelings for her and his inability to decide what to do about them. But there was another part of him that was completely turned on by the fact that Amanda was holding her own with him and in her work. For Christ's sake, if their fight about Towne had not taken place in front of Billy, he probably would have grabbed her and kissed her soundly. She really was making a good agent, just like he had thought she would be, and it only made him want to be closer and closer to her. And when push came to shove, when the bullets were flying, they had been able to operate as the team he had thought they had become. The new dimension that Amanda's newly tested skills had brought into their work relationship, into their relationship as a whole, had only made him want her more. In all actuality it had shown him that he wasn't going to have to be her supervisor for much longer, soon she would bear more of an equal say and have equal input into their cases due to skills that she contributed. Maybe it could make other forms of partnership even more realistic… if he could hold out that long. Had any other agent in the whole world ever been in his shoes?

What had he asked her that first day back at the office after his five days of supposed "rest and relaxation"? If you have doubts you ask questions and you get answers. Ha! He had asked her how she rated him. Alright, maybe there had been a double meaning behind his question, maybe he had subconsciously wanted to know what she thought of him personally, but all he had been aware of at that moment was wanting to engage Amanda in her role at the Agency. He knew he had made one too many disparaging remarks to her that day. Like his stupid quip about Billy only trying to humor her. And in response she had been getting a bit defensive and business like with him, and it was killing him that things between them seemed to be souring. It didn't help that he had the Abernathy mystery to solve. But her response to his inquiry about his rating had completely taken him off guard, sort of like that cactus in his chair. This whole relationship territory with Amanda was becoming a big pain in the a…

Maybe they had been doing a bit too much cohabitating lately? That is what it was feeling like, especially in this private office, removed from the rest of the Agency. She had her stuff all over his desk, all over his office. She had touched every part of his apartment too. Oh, he had liked having her near him, just like he had liked having her in his home while he healed the other week, but it was messing with him, and this messing was making him cranky. He hated it when he got cranky with Amanda, and yet, he felt powerless to do anything about it. In the past he would have marched right into Billy's office and asked for an overseas assignment, but things with Amanda had progressed too far for him to do that. It didn't matter if Amanda was in his office, his home or on the other side of the world, she was always with him. And he just wished he knew what the hell to do about it! Man he would love to go home and have a scotch; it had been a while since he had done that.

Why did he revert back to being so cranky with her, to not seeing her as he knew she was? Why did he return to his earlier assumptions that she was a simple and naïve civilian getting excited about fantasy theories and dreaming about being a spy? Why did he revert back to the condescension of their early days? Why did he always have that blasted need to be right? What had she said? "Mr. Stetson's need to always be right is about to cause this Agency to make a serious mistake." Maybe his accusation of her was more true of him, had he been letting his personal feelings get in the way? Why did it take all that time until the MSG showed up in the report for him to focus back in on the Amanda that he knew her to be? The one that thrilled him and made him want to burst open and pour love all over her. The one he knew and trusted. Maybe what he had just said to her earlier this evening was an indicator of how insecure he felt about his knowledge of Amanda? Maybe he only thought he had known her or maybe was afraid that what he had initially believed of her was true? There he was again. He wanted to know her more.

When they had first started working together he had only been disconcertingly aware of her general loveliness. For a while now he had begun to accept it and enjoyed it. He had even allowed the sensations she caused in him to grow. But lately, her loveliness and all the specifics of it had become excruciating to him. Her hands touching his arm left a burning desire for more of her touch. While watching her walk in front of him it had begun to become impossible to contain the urge to reach out and draw her to himself. He noticed every nuance of her expressions, her skin, the way her hair slipped over her shoulder or the way her lips moved when she spoke or smiled. Even her nose drew him in. It took constant effort to not touch her, a constant effort to not react when she touched him. The struggle was even more so because now he was beginning to view her as his. Why should he not reach for her? He loved her and he knew that her presence by his side had become necessary to him. But it was the awareness of that necessity that had held him back for so long. It was intolerable now. He just wasn't sure what was more tolerable. Trying and losing or not having at all. No. Not having at all was becoming unfathomable - like trying to breathe air without oxygen. And this was so much more than just wanting a woman. Amanda was so much more to him than just a beautiful woman.

What was he afraid of? Love or loss or both? How can he love like he loved Amanda and still do this job? Should he? Could he? Would she want to return his love and continue in her job as well? Why would he be fearful about loving someone? He had thought he'd been in love before. All he knew was that, in the past, love had never worked out for him; ever, and now the thought of it scared him and threw him off center. Whenever he had felt like that, he had thrown himself into his work - his only center had been his work. And even there Amanda had inserted herself, and this time she wasn't just his trainee. She had been the agent of record with or without his supervision. Was that why had he felt so threatened? Because he hadn't been the one in control, he hadn't been calling the shots? This was Amanda, he knew her. And there was that whole need to know issue. He needed to know, he had a need to know her, he really did!

That was still the crux of the issue for him, wasn't it? How badly he wanted to know Amanda, thoroughly and completely. And in order for him to do that he would have to let her know him that same way. And no one had ever been allowed to do that. It didn't fit into the way he had designed his life. He had never wanted that type of relationship. Maybe that was why he had become a spy. He could hide safely there; at least he could protect the inner sanctum of his heart. Ironic wasn't it? He was constantly putting his life on the line, but his heart had been safe. He was beginning to see how foolish he had been. His heart hadn't ever really been safe, had it? He had never thought of ideas like this before. This was all due to Amanda. Now his heart was aching. Maybe it always had been, and he had never allowed himself to know it. Oh, he had felt a bit of this ache after Dorothy had been taken from him, after Eva had betrayed him, but only for as long as it took him to find a cover for it. Now he wanted to rip that cover off and let Amanda know him like no one ever had but, at the same time, another part of him was desperate to find some cover. Maybe that was what all his cranky attitude had been about the past few days. Trying to find cover for his heart behind some professional superiority and being right. Maybe? But even during their tense moments with each other all he had really wanted was to be at peace and in unity with her. There was no peace in covering his heart any more. But how on earth was he ever going to figure out how to have Amanda in this personal and professional partnership while pursuing this insane life and job he had chosen for himself? He could never forget that Amanda was a mother, that she had people dependent on her and that her association with him affected all of them. How was he going to follow his heart and his chosen profession? How did he ever let things get so complicated?