18

Window Reflections

Wrong Number

"Most of the time we only think that we know, therefore, I can't really know you too well." She had repeated his words to herself over and over as she walked out of the office, down the stairs and through the front door of the Agency to her car. "Most of the time we only think that we know…" She could hear his voice as clear as a bell; she could hear the edge of that frustration that had been floating around him the past couple of days still punctuating his words and hand movements. She wasn't sure even what she thought that she knew, let alone what he was thinking. "Therefore, I can't really know you too well?" Oh, sometimes that man could be the most infuriating person to be around! And yet, she'd had fun teasing him hadn't she? Well, it had been the only way that she had been able to handle all of the conflicting emotions she'd been feeling about him after the five days of taking care of him and then being plopped right back into their working relationship.

Really, being in charge of his recuperation had been almost bewildering at times. She had made it through that first night just fine… maybe too well. In fact, a part of her had felt deflated. Lee's manners towards her had been perfectly gentlemanly, and as much as she was relieved by it, she had been disappointed that there was no apparent evidence of those stronger emotions that had seemed to be flowing between them during the case to retrieve the Barnstorm List. It was like a faucet had been shut off. Oh, he had been kind and sweet and receptive to her care and their friendship was a firm as ever, and it wasn't even as though she would have responded to any advance he would have made towards her while she was assigned to his care by the Agency. It was just… ah, she had felt like a school girl again. If she couldn't handle her emotions around Lee Stetson in professional situations now, then she knew she had no business even considering she could manage them in an even deeper personal relationship with him.

After all, she had this new assignment that Billy had given her to be completely professional about. And she was sure that she was not going to give Billy, or Lee for that matter, any reason to doubt her abilities. She hadn't really cared that Lee had thought that Billy had humored her with the task, or that he hadn't considered the work she had been doing checking the security clearances on all of those dossiers an official assignment. She knew he had been very eager to be back in his seat at the helm of the Q Bureau, and she could tell that he had been anxious about the missing agent. Initially she hadn't been bothered by his grumpiness and jabs. She had been feeling pretty good about things and she was even feeling playful. Playful enough to throw out her saucy response to Lee's question about how she would rate him. "I wouldn't. Not yet." The moment she had closed the door to the office behind her she had wondered if she would regret saying it. She wished she could have been a fly on the wall to watch how he had responded. It had reminded her of how she had felt after the night they had spent together in the backwoods of Virginia and he had tried to pawn off an almost kiss as two cold people seeking warmth. Not that how she would rate him had anything to do with that, it was just that she hoped that her response to him would get him thinking… about her, about them. And at the same time she almost immediately regretted letting it slip from her mouth. All she could do after that was forge ahead and that was what she was determined to do because things were about to get a bit dicier than that with Lee.

Never had she been so uncomfortable at the Agency than during that meeting with Lee and Billy and those other two agents going over that drop. Earlier in her work with the Agency she had felt out of her depth, but during this meeting she had been sure of the work that she had done. The problem was that Lee seemed to be opposed to her and her work – hostile even. And why did he have to scoff at her when she called herself the Agent of Record? Wasn't that the capacity she had operated in, was operating in at the moment? So he was overseeing her- he was overseeing her work as Agent of Record. It had been so hard to sit there and defend herself against Lee, but at the same time, she knew that was what she had to do in order to do the job. That was why she was there, not to be near Lee, but to do this job.

And to make things even harder, not only was Lee questioning her, but Mother had challenged her as well. This had been an ongoing struggle for her. And it was always aggravating, even though she knew that home relationships might go into a gray area when she decided to take up this spy work. She had always valued honesty and she still did, but this territory, this spy world that she found herself in necessitated lying… concealing the truth. But having her mother suspect that she was out gallivanting with some man instead of actually working on a Sunday morning was aggravating – especially when she was leaving her family to be with Lee and he was at such odds with her. Oh, it had been fun to sit alongside Lee and grill the piano player, Jango Harp, and gather evidence and even to spar with him. It was exhilarating too, until they got shot at and Towne had gotten away.

There had been those brief fleeting moments when her heart had been pounding because of the bullets they had just escaped and Lee had held her firmly and she could feel their familiar connection again as he had looked her in the eyes to see if she was ok. But the frustration had continued when they got back to Billy's office. Why couldn't Lee just believe her, or at least, give her the benefit of the doubt that Towne was innocent? Why did he insist on locking the poor guy up? And why did he have to dismiss her theories as a fantasy? She had hated fighting with him, she had always hated conflict. In the past her distaste with conflict had cost her so much. How many times in the past had she not spoken her mind? Too many times. In fact, she had often wondered how her life might have gone differently if she had let fly her opinions about the choices that Joe had made. But something had changed for her. She wasn't going to let Lee or anyone else ramrod over her work. And why had he accused her of letting her personal feelings get in the way?! All day she had pushed down her personal feelings in order to remain professional about this job. Those words of his had been almost the last straw for her. She didn't know what was happening between the two of them, but she was going to fight for William Towne. His innocence was the one thing that she was sure of at that moment.

But then everything had shifted back into place like she had thought it had been days earlier as she had nursed Lee during his concussion. She would never view MSG the same again. Maybe even she had begun to doubt herself after looking through pages and pages of birth and death records in Culpepper, but the chemical analysis of one carton of Chinese food had set everything straight. And the tone of Lee's voice and the look on his face as he had caught on to what she had first noticed had almost made her melt. There had been so much that she had wanted to say to him, and it had taken every ounce of control that she could muster not to reach out and touch him at that moment. As much as she had tried to remain detached and professional as they had battled this one out, it really was important to her to have Lee believe in her and to feel his tenderness towards her again. There was no way she could deny that anymore.

But then there had also been the sickening reality that in doing her job so well to prove William Towne's innocence another person was becoming even more endangered. Francine was now at great risk because her own research and intuition had been so spot on that the Agency no longer had an enemy agent to trade for her. The only thing that was going to save Francine had been Towne, and fortunately, her own kindness to him had prevented Lee from burning any remaining bridge there might have been to cross. Towne had been willing to work with them.

It was the first time Amanda had even been part of this aspect of a trade. Unfortunately, she had experienced an exchange of operatives before. She could clearly remember being tied to that golf cart and exchanged for a Russian. She could also remember what it had felt like to have Lee hold her so tightly on the other end, and she would never be able to forget realizing what he had put on the line to save her. This time it was Francine that they were rescuing and Towne was the one putting himself on the line. For a group of people who held so much of themselves close to their chests and didn't trust anyone, they sure were willing to put a lot on the line for each other. And she was proud to be a part of them. If she hadn't been before, she was even more sure of herself now. She could do this job, even when Lee wasn't on her side, even when she had to stick to her guns and stand on her own. But she sure liked it best when she and Lee could work together as a team.

She was still in the Agency parking garage, sitting there in her station wagon. She was still mulling over his last words. "Most of the time we only think that we know, therefore, I can't know you too well." Maybe he didn't know her too well. After all, it had been three years and she knew she still had so much to learn about him, about herself, about this job. But truthfully, the only person in her life who had any potential for really knowing her was Lee. Her mother couldn't really know her any more, Joe wasn't ever going to know her and even her boys couldn't know her. But Lee… he could if he wanted to. And he was, still, in so many ways a mystery to her. But that was part of the joy of it, wasn't it? That was part of what she looked forward to each morning when she woke up. She was glad they'd had their difficulty over this case and she was glad she had persisted. She was stronger because of it; she knew that their working relationship was stronger too. And she was also pretty sure that their friendship – whatever it was- had only gotten stronger as well. She knew that very well. After all, that look in his eye as she had fed him the last bite of Chinese food hadn't been lost on her…. At least she thought that she had seen something there. Ooh, that Lee Stetson was a puzzle, a fun one, but a puzzle none the less. Nope, she couldn't rate him, not yet.