REASONS TO LIVE

Alex listened to Garrus' soft breathing as she stared at the ceiling. Worried, wired, and agitated. An emergency meeting with Hackett and Anderson could only bring bad news.

Saren knew Alex had discovered the Citadel was the Catalyst and did everything in his power to keep her away from it by putting it directly under the Reaper's protection above London. And Saren topped his action with a personal message delivered directly to her inbox.

You're not as incompetent as I thought, Shepard.

But nevertheless, you've been an annoyance every step of the way. Eden Prime. The Krogan. The Geth. My labs on Horizon. Keep in mind that your best will never be good enough to stop me. You and your comrades lack the strength to win and rest assured, you will fail. You will fail because of me. Just as you always have. You will die by my hands once again.

And this time, you'll stay dead.

Alex expected herself to be livid after reading the message, taunted by her eternal rival, but she surprised herself, feeling an overbearing shadow of remorse and discouragement loom over her. She felt glued to the bed, sinking further into it as the feelings of self-deprecation spread.

Saren wasn't wrong. Alex had failed many times, and many of those times were against him. She almost wished Garrus had been as restless as her right now so she could talk to him, but the thought went away when she realized how selfish that was. Her mind wandered to London and Anderson and what remained of Earth's forces. Were the reinforcements they gathered enough to hold off the Reapers to get the Crucible there in time? It'd still about two solar days until the Alliance could prepare its troops, allies, and the Crucible for its arrival to Earth. How many more would die waiting on her until then?

Ping!

Alex's mind to a sudden halt and opened up her omni-tool to read the new message.

"Are you up?"

Alex took one long sip of her coffee before lowering herself onto the couch in the lounge. She let the cup sit perfectly between her hands and close to her face, letting the heat soothe the stiffness in her body.

"So, you got a message, too? I'm surprised."

Cynical emerald eyes fell on her. "I'm not," Nihlus scoffed. He sat next to her, the leather creaking as he struggled to get comfortable. Nihlus had opted for a turian brandy over caffeine. "In Saren's eyes, I'm a traitor of the worst kind. Turning my back on him, not only as a subordinate but a close friend."

"His message said all that?"

"Close enough. He said I'm going to wish I stayed dead."

"That's not something a close friend would say."

The comment seemed to pain her more than it did Nihlus, but Nihlus let it roll off. He understood the person that sent the message was not the same person who used to be his mentor and best friend. The words sunk in more, and she started to feel somber as she landed on a troubling thought.

"Was Saren…your only friend?"

Nihlus looked at her curiously. Almost like he didn't hear or understand what she'd asked.

"I don't remember you having or speaking about other friends besides him."

"I have you," he said as if it was all she needed to answer the question and all he needed in life. Alex's chest squeezed, and she frowned.

"That can't be it."

Nihlus sighed heavily and took a long sip from his glass. "I don't know what to tell you, Alex. I was an outsider for most of my life. I grew up with no parents. No one wanted to work with me because I didn't follow military regulations. I established contacts and made acquaintances along the way, but I didn't see the need to keep more than a couple of friends close by. I move—"

"Faster on your own. I know."

Alex rolled her eyes playfully, however, grim images of Nihlus' lifeless body rushed through her head. She didn't need to see that again. She wasn't sure she could bear seeing a loved one killed before her once more. She couldn't let that happen. Not to Nihlus, and of course, not to Garrus. But Garrus has friends, and Nihlus doesn't really have that – not much, anyway.

"But have you ever considered you'd live longer with friends by your side?"

He groaned. "What are you getting at, Alex?"

"The crew aren't just subordinates. They're my friends, and I don't think I'd be alive without them." Nihlus threw her a look. "You know what I mean. Sooner than intended and without Reaper intervention. Besides, Miranda is the one who headed the Lazarus Project that made this possible," she finished, gesturing between the two of them.

Nihlus gazed at her expressionless until a flicker of sentiment flashed in his eyes. He was giving in, letting go of feelings he was typically reluctant to share.

"I just…I question my own judgment. I try to follow my gut, but…I've started to feel like all of my instincts have been wrong. About our mission against the Reapers. Us. Saren. He made me into who I am, but I'm finding myself in a lot of regrets. He's ruined me with this war."

"That's bullshit!" she snapped. "Saren didn't make you, and for damn sure, he didn't ruin you. You got yourself through the military. Hedidn't make you a Spectre. You earned it! If anyone's judgment is wrong, it's Saren and the Reapers."

For the next couple of seconds, only the hums of the Normandy could be heard as they stared intensely at each other, eyes bouncing back and forth. The tension-charged air released when Nihlus let out an indiscernible purr and laughed softly.

"What?"

"Giving pep talks is usually my role in this relationship."

She exhaled softly and was glad to see her words had an effect on a weary Nihlus. "War changes people in mysterious ways."

"Apparently."

"I just wish you would attempt to make friends on this ship. The crew is great if you got to know them."

Nihlus grunted, expressing deep discontent of something he really didn't want to do.

"Just give them a chance, I'd feel better if you had more people watching your six besides me."

Nihlus sucked in a deep breath and let his head fall back, contemplative and exasperated. She watched as his eyes moved around the room, debating with himself internally. Alex was pushing him into frames of mind he's never touched before, and he didn't like it. Nihlus' head rolled forward and said, "Fine. I will try."

"Good," she smiled, sipping on her coffee and enjoying her victory on convincing Nihlus to socialize. She'd always wanted to see Nihlus hanging out with the rest of them at bars or even just a chat before missions. He never showed interest before. He only cared about Saren, her, and the mission. She wanted to give him more reasons to live.

"Well, I'm sure Saren would be happy to see his mind games worked. I'm wide awake and bitter."

"That wasn't the only thing keeping you awake, was it?"

"Always the astute one, Kryik."

"Is this mysterious reason why you didn't go to Horizon?"

Alex nodded, and her fingernails began tapping on her mug. "I haven't been feeling one hundred percent lately. Nauseous. Anxious. Nightmares. I don't eat much. Garrus didn't feel comfortable sending me out unless I recovered a bit."

Nihlus' brow plates drew down, and his voice lowered. "You need to see Chakwas."

A corner of her mouth twitched. "You sound like Garrus. He's been begging me to go. I think he's on the verge of kidnapping me and taking me to the med bay himself."

Nihlus hummed, and his subharmonics vibrated the space between them. She sensed his hesitancy.

"I may have had my reservations about Vakarian at first...but seeing you happy with him and how he takes care of you..." Nihlus paused, eyes sinking to the bottom of his glass and searching for the rest of his sentence. He chugged the remainder of his drink and let out a heavy alcohol-soaked breath. "He's not so bad."

A grin was impossible to fight off, and Alex's cheeks were hurting trying to. "Don't tell me you're already drunk off one brandy. You're a hell of a lot nicer than usual."

Nihlus chuckled humorlessly and refilled his cup. "There's no better time to be honest than right before the end of all life as we know it, right?"

"You have a bleak expectation for the future."

"I call it being a realist."

The corners of her lips turned downwards. This wasn't the way Alex wanted him or anyone to feel going into war with it being a couple days away. "I wish there was a way I could raise the morale around here."

"I may have an idea to do just that," a new voice said.

Nihlus twisted around, and they looked over towards the doorway where Garrus stood with his arms were crossed, and an unreadable expression on his face.

"Garrus," Nihlus acknowledged plainly. "You were quiet. How long have you been standing there?"

"Longer than you like, I'm sure."

Garrus sounded amused, and he walked into the room with a particular strut of knowing he just heard Nihlus begrudgingly compliment him. When Garrus sat down on the arm of the sofa, he wrapped his arm around Alex. She craned her neck upwards, and Garrus met her halfway to plant a peck on each other's lips. Alex felt her nerves flutter delightedly from the touch of his mouth to the bottom of her toes. She reveled in the way Garrus made her feel. It was unlike anything she'd experienced before. Alex turned back to face Nihlus and was caught off guard by his smirk.

"What?"

"I see you two made it official."

Alex's hand shot up to her bond mark, skin uncovered when she stretched up to greet Garrus. Hot blood rushed to her face. Garrus leaned down to kiss the crown of her head, affirming the accusation.

"Y-yeah. It was time," she smiled.

Nihlus gave them a slight nod and raised his glass. "Congrats."

"Thank you," Garrus said. "Not to change the subject all of a sudden, but I think I have a way of getting everyone in good spirits again. Something we haven't done in a while."

Nihlus shifted in his seat and said with caution, "If this is another offer of…the sexual kind, I only agreed to it the one time. But I suppose I could…uh…"

Garrus' body straightened immediately, and all composure melted away. "N-no! I didn't mean… Not… that…!"

"Oh!" Nihlus' mandibles were snug against his face, and mortification was painted all over his features. "Well, erm. My apologies."

He swiftly chugged half of the brandy down. Alex couldn't help but giggle. Nihlus glared back at her, knowing she enjoyed seeing him flustered.

"What did you mean to suggest then, Vakarian?"

Garrus cleared his throat several times before speaking, shaking off the tension and awkwardness. "We have plenty of time to kill and a reserve of liquor that's collecting dust in inventory."

"You want to throw a party? On the ship?" Nihlus asked, instantly recognizing the idea, but sounding quite unsure about it.

Alex felt the complete opposite. The crew deserved to let loose as much as any of them did. And if everyone was throwing themselves into hell with an uncertain chance of survival, a party wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"Why not? It's still early, and it'd be a good opportunity to make friends."

Garrus' tone was suggestive and playful. Nihlus groused and knew Garrus had been listening in on their conversation more than he ever cared to like.

"I think it's genius," Alex beamed up at Garrus. "Let's do it."

"OH YES!" Startled by the booming exclamation, all three jumped in their place and stared wide-eyed at the ceiling. "It was about time we did something actually fun around here! Cortez and Traynor have already confirmed their attendance."

"Joker!" Alex growled. "What have I told you about eavesdropping?!"

"If it makes anyone feel better, the conversation was perfectly boring, so… Wait! What was Nihlus talking about? An offer of the *sexual kind*?"

Nihlus was pouring his third drink, and Alex could feel a sweltering, embarrassing heat form between her and Garrus.

"It's none of your damn business!" she hissed through her teeth.

"Alright, alright," he yielded and remained quiet for so long, Alex thought he jumped off the line. "Kasumi sent in her RSVP, so I'll find out from her later at the party. She'll have juicier details anyway!"