Later that night, I felt different, like something was calling out to me. I could not describe it. It had been a day like any other except with great company. We had good talks, lots of laughs and plenty to love to pass around. Once settled down, the children got along fine. Lunch and dinner passed in relative serenity and we all say goodbye for now around eight-thirty.
Now, it was ten at night. Hawkeye was nodding off to a nudist magazine. Dad and the girls were already asleep. I alone was the only one awake other than the twins I was carrying. They were playing soccer while I was still.
I turned my lamp off and kissed Hawkeye goodbye. He mentioned something about Velma and her schoolbooks. I ignored it and took the magazine from him without startling him awake. I tossed it in the closet, where he would not be able to retrieve it. It'll be my revenge for Hawkeye still ordering them.
I crept downstairs and unlocked my room. I have not been in there much, not with the company and the family keeping me busy. I wrote a few journal entries. I dusted without looking at anything. Now, I had to walk down memory lane for a few minutes. TC had brought me so much to me, other than friendship and love. This reminded me that the circle of women had to bind itself together always.
I sat down in the chair and riffled through some boxes. I hadn't gone through everything that was sent from Bloomington yet and it took some time before I found what I was looking for. There was only one box that Mom held onto me that obtained everything of my early Army career. I had to see it.
And there it was, towards the bottom of the packages. I opened the flaps of the box and pulled everything out. There were maybe two small photo albums. A purse held some items from graduation, pins and such. My white uniforms were in there. Some papers showed that I went through certain classes and held specific certifications and skills. Another few papers recorded all of the surgeries I assisted in.
I was more interested in the photo album. I opened it immediately. Dust flew in my face. I coughed and blew it away. What I found was the girl who escaped Bloomington. She was young and angry. She also didn't like standing up straight and always had a know-it-all attitude.
"The young always think they know better," I said to myself.
The first page was mostly group shots. The Army handed all of us these pictures. I spotted myself and TC. We were on the opposite ends, both in the front. We were both petite and tiny. My pure brunette hair shone in the sun. TC's auburn locks dared the camera to record them for prosperity's sake. She was always so forward.
This continued for a few pages. Then, there were the graduating nurses. I went on a much faster course than many others and managed to capture the completion of my training before I was twenty-two. This was unusual, as the usually Army wanted nurses to be twenty-one and certified as a nurse already. I made history with a group of other girls, TC being one of them.
Then, it was just the two of us, recently moved to Boston. We always were assigned together. We kept our distant friendship lowkey and the Army never knew better. While TC always bothered me about things like love, men and moving forward, I was drinking and keeping to myself. She forced herself on me and discovered many things about me that I didn't want others to see. She found my scars. She interrogated me like an enemy.
The pictures I eyed showed a younger me. I displayed the utmost distaste I had for other women. I tolerated TC and talked with her. I didn't hate her. Inside of that scared and angry girl, there was some glee about having someone talk to me. I didn't want to get too close. Clarence could get to her too.
There was the time our ward of nurses wore slacks to protest the Army ordering us to always stick to dresses. Then, there was the time when we didn't like the head nurse in Boston and she endured prank after prank until she left. There were a few parties TC invited me to, but I tried to keep it cool and stay away from everyone, always sticking to a corner, drinking.
Then, the wall inside of me began to break. The cracks allowed some light in. Some shots started to show us hugging. There was a time when we decided to swim in the harbors near Boston, when it was cold and rainy. We both caught colds afterward and had to be in isolation until we were well. The head nurse was frightened of any type of contagion.
Then, there were the San Francisco days. We were transferred there after our next head nurse thought we would benefit the hospital there. The Navy also needed some help at the Presidio. TC and I were just the people they lacked.
Luckily, TC and I did not spend too much time there. While we enjoyed the west coast and the easy way life was, we both missed the east. Besides, Walter Reed needed a few nuts like us. We went to Washington, DC next. That was when we really began to taste the postwar world we truly lived in. Before, we had worked in conditions that displayed the dismay of soldiers who came home from Asia or Europe. Now, it was the real work we had to do.
There were not too many pictures of us in DC. We were both so tired that sleep was our best friend. Beside, TC was getting more and more interested in marrying and tried cutting through the Army red tape to get there. I felt fulfillment in my role as a nurse and wanted to keep moving forward. This is where our split started.
The last of the two albums showed us in the last days of our DC stay. TC had found an officer she doted on and I was approached by Colonel Flagg. TC was not allowed to know that Flagg approached me and that was I transferring. I just disappeared one night, the day after Christmas 1946. I was not supposed to leave her a note, but I did anyway.
I just told her that I loved her and that she was the first person I could after my stepfather. I added that I was going away and I could not tell her where I was going, but not to worry about me. I was on my way to West Germany. She could not follow me and I begged her not to try to find me anymore.
"Can I come in?"
I gasped and closed the tome. I turned to my doorway and saw Hawkeye. He was dressed in his red robe and cowboy hat. He was also pretty damned worried.
"Sure," I replied, putting the memories away.
Hawkeye entered carefully. He found a chair in a corner and sat down next to me. He glanced to the box I had just touched. His hand itched to view what I did. I smiled and reached back into it and took out the books. I handed it to him and urged him to open them.
"I could not sleep," I explained feebly.
"I can't either," he told me as he took a chance and saw the first Army group pictures. "Where are you?"
I pointed myself out. "I was not even eighteen."
"Why?" he asked me. "Why did you choose the Army?"
"I told you. I wanted to care for people other than myself."
"You could have done that in civilian life."
"And lived on my own? How scandalous would that have been?"
"You could have lived with other women. Some civilian nurses do that. You could have used your family."
"Hawkeye, most of my family was not even in the country. My uncle and aunt lived across town in Bloomington. They would not have wanted me anywhere near their home unless my mother was with me. The Army was the only way I was going to be as far away from Bloomington as possible. It was that, or I become a lady of the night."
Hawkeye almost dropped the pictures, laughing. He recovered it. "I can imagine that!"
The sad part was, it was true. It was easy to picture myself as a prostitute. It was one of my choices when I was deciding how to leave Bloomington. I made a list and I had very few choices. I could be a receptionist or a secretary for some big company, but it meant saving money and moving out later. I could have relied on my mother to find me a husband, for she had so many choices in the church. Instead, I went to the Army and met my match.
When we recovered from our laughter, Hawkeye went through everything. He asked me where and when and I answered him truthfully. I did not feel I had something to hide. He knew I was in military hospitals before West Germany. He found it amusing actually. Each time I told him something new about me, he would smile widely. It was like he was working on a puzzle. Each time he connected one new piece to another, he will feel successful in finding a more completed picture.
Then, we came to the end. The last pictures were TC and I with some of the other nurses at Walter Reed. It was a group picture with some of the new arrivals from England. Those patients loved us and enjoyed the Christmas season with us. It would be the last I'd see them though.
Hawkeye closed the memories up and put them back in the appropriate box. "You did a lot in five years."
"I met a lot of people too," I told him excitedly. "I snuck into a lecture held by Charles Huggins. He talked about how he stunned the growth of prostate cancer. I also saw the first dialysis machine here in the States. I remember the development of quinine."
Hawkeye laughed again. "You listened to Charles Huggins?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "Why not? If you are going to deny me something, then I'll find a way."
All of a sudden, it reminded us both of the many ways we got away with things in Korea. I could begin with the months we had Henry as our CO. We managed to trade Henry's oak desk for needed supplies on the Black Market. Then, there was the plastic surgery. And who could forget drinking when Frank banned it?
Sherman Potter inspired us to behave more. He was also stricter and had a head on his shoulders and held plenty of love. But he let us get away with plenty, between Frank and Charles. Retaliating against Frank for trying to put Hawkeye on trial was one of them. Slipping Frank the smallest nurse's clothes while he was showering was another. And Charles! Who could forget switching his pants or desecrating his beloved red velvet pillow?
Hawkeye and I held hands. Together, we started asking each other if we remembered certain things like this. Some things, Hawkeye did with Trapper when I was away with the orphanage or was with BJ when I was not around. I told him about times when he was not available and I was bored. I never told him about the times when he was with Sidney towards the end of the war and recounted to him about how BJ helped me with the POWs.
All of our accomplishments, tears, frustrations and triumphs all came out in a rush. The two of us laughed and cried together. It was the first time in a long time we were able to just sit and talk, with no father-in-law and no children between us as a buffer. It was wonderful even, to hold my husband and tell him things I never mentioned before. Hawkeye most certainly felt the same way.
"You know, we have not gotten many letters recently," Hawkeye mentioned.
"Who haven't we talked to in a while?" I asked.
"Remington," Hawkeye replied. "He has been quiet lately."
"Oh, Charles? I am sure his butler is trying to keep track of his correspondences. Charles just told him to ignore us, I'm sure."
"I thought that was his mommy?"
"No, it's the butler. He was in the kitchen with a pencil."
"I thought it was Professor Plum? He was in the conservatory with the wrench."
"Is it possible that Miss Scarlet conned Charles? She did wait for him in the library with a rope."
Hawkeye got up. "Why don't we find out?"
And that was how we managed to find Dad's board game of Clue. For a few hours, we played in the living room and giggled hysterically over each character. We made up stories for each one, linking each person to someone we knew from the 4077th. When we could not play properly anymore, Hawkeye suggested we find Monopoly. It took us a while to find the game, but when we did, we conducted ourselves about the same way as we did when we played Clue. The only difference is Hawkeye got us some drinks.
It was suggested to me that I don't drink much while I am pregnant except red wine, to put more color on my face. While it was usually encouraged (so was smoking), I always tried to be responsible. I never liked cigarettes. However, I was a fool when I was drinking and I am serious when it came to my children. With Hawkeye in so funny of a mood, I could not help it. I was becoming drunk before long. By dawn, when Dad was awake, we both could not stand up. We were laughing so hard.
Dad raised an eyebrow. He saw the mess in the living room. His eyes went from the Clue box put away so haphazardly to the Monopoly pieces on the floor. Fake money, tokens and more were on the floor, piled methodically the way we deemed right. The board was folded up in all sorts of directions. And there we were, with empty glasses and sore hearts, laughing at him.
"Hawkeye, do you want to walk the beach?" I asked him.
"With or without clothes?" Hawkeye volleyed.
Dad ignored this. "I'll call you out of work," he told Hawkeye calmly. To me, he added, "I think it's time for you to go to bed, Jeanie. Both of you actually. Go to bed. I can get the girls this morning."
Dad first grabbed me and guided me up the stairs. All the while, I continued my sniggers. I commented on the brazen way he handled me and complimented his work. He put me to bed and grabbed Hawkeye next. While he felt gentle with me, he was harder with Hawkeye. He tossed Love on the bed.
"Even after all this time, some things do not change," Dad said, resigned. He kissed us on the forehead each and closed the door.
I woke up in the afternoon. I heard the ocean waves crash onto the sands. It was so soothing, but it also hurt my head. I damned the curtains that let in the light and rolled over. I curled next to Hawkeye and went back to sleep. An hour later, we were both woken up by Margaret. She let the girls in and the two screeched happily as they jumped on the bed.
Auntie Margaret was pretty proud of herself. "Serves you right for drinking all night," she said as Shannon and Annabeth continued to bounce on the bed. "You didn't invite me."
"Members of the club only," Hawkeye yelled. "You were not initiated yet."
I grabbed one child. Hawkeye managed to still the other. They were as silly as we were earlier and with much more energy. We had the same idea though. We released them back to Margaret. They dared her to chase them down the stairs.
This was a good change. It means that Shannon and Annabeth were comfortable again. I didn't know what to do with them after she and Keith left. Margaret's words rang in my head again. Guilt washed over me. Then, I cast it aside. Margaret was trying to be proactive in her concern and tell me what she felt was wrong. I did not believe it was all wrong. I just had to go about my daughters another way.
"I guess we should get up now," I suggested. I was not happy about the prospect. "Margaret has others ideas. What time is it?"
"Time enough for me to go back to bed," Hawkeye replied. He rolled over. "Wake me up tomorrow."
I was annoyed, but I didn't have much of a choice. Hawkeye did drink more than I did. His scotch bottles under the bed were also proof that he didn't stop drinking. I sighed. It was going to be a long rest of the day. It was also to be bright. With company around, who can complain?
~00~
April 30, 1956
Crabapple Cove, Maine
Calm…I must remain calm, especially when I am alone. In times of trouble, I have to remember who I am and what I have endured. I have four children that are depending on me. Dad is semi-retired and helping me as much as he can at home and Mrs. Pettigrew has been the greatest friend I could ever ask for. The harassment continues and we are prisoners in our own home mostly.
But I must be calm. That's it. I cannot let myself have hysteria reign over me. I have to start at the beginning. Yes, that's it! I have to think back to January to now.
The past few months passed along the same vein as the rest of them. Margaret and Keith left in mid-January. They were replaced with Father Mulcahy, who was thinking of going back to Korea and dedicating his life to the orphans. Then, it was Trapper and the girls, in his first post-divorce drive. I was surprised to find Kellye in March, happy to see me with a full house. Finally, it was TC, who waited with me until I was ready to give birth.
It all started on the first day of this month. A twinge told me that something was coming. It was nothing, I knew. I continued cleaning the house and caring for Shannon and Annabeth and Dad. TC and the boys were underfoot and driving me insane. Gary, Tom and Ronald were a handful with Annabeth and Shannon. And TC…well, she was all about bringing life into the world and being there for me. She was a treat.
I appreciated the effort, but I needed Hawkeye most of all. I missed him so much! He had been working odd hours or endless shifts. He traveled the coast, from one end of Maine to another, because he was told to. This is what Cochran assigned him to do, since Maine is starting to developing a healthcare system that will cover the southern coast. And since Dad was slowing retiring, Hawkeye was leaned on most of all.
By the next day, I progressed rapidly. I was feeling the sharp pain every ten minutes or so and nothing moved forward. It was like I was drowning and had the capability to hang on, but it was nothing except air. TC and Dad were worried and put me to bed and taking turns, holding my hand and checking on me. They both tried reaching Hawkeye several times, but could not. They were informed of different answers and were trapped with many dead ends.
By the third, I didn't know where I was anymore, I was so delirious. Dad had been sitting with me all night. He knew that something was wrong and he had to do something. He contemplated calling an ambulance, but opted against it, for the sake of the frightened children. If he somehow reached Hawkeye, he could drive me to the hospital. Dad could not take care of five children on his own and did not have the Packard to take me himself.
I don't know how Hawkeye managed to get back to the house or how Dad and TC reached him. All I could remember is being carried. Down the stairs I went, into the Packard. To be honest, Journal, I did not care anymore. All I wanted was for the pain to end.
By the time Hawkeye and I reached Portland, it was almost too late for me and the twins. He was upset and rightfully so. I know that he yelled for help. However, stories conflict as to what happened next. Some people say that Hawkeye pushed himself in and demanded a Caesarian Section without an assessment. Other tales say that it was determined upon my arrival. There was a rumor that Hawkeye passed through all barriers and tried to assist himself.
It did not matter how the next events happened. My children were going to be heading into the world feet first and my labor was ineffective. There was no way I could birth them normally. I was given a Caesarian Section. Our third daughter, Danielle Lily, was born first. Our only son, Patrick Walter, was born two minutes later.
I spent the next couple of weeks in the hospital. I was so ill that I could not be moved but still insisted on seeing my children and bode over the curse that I think is broken. I had very few visitors. The doctors did not want me to have much excitement. I was there to rest and to go home. By then, they would hand over the twins and I would be on my merry way.
It didn't quite happen that way. Hawkeye did pick me up and bring us home and the nurses were kind enough to help me into the Packard and hand over Danielle and Patrick. Our twins were healthy as can be. I was elated, but Hawkeye was not. He hardly spoke two words to me. He mumbled all the way back to Crabapple Cove, lacing it with profanity, blame and hurt. It was like the beginning of our troubles again.
I tried speaking, but he silenced me. I tried nursing, but he stopped me. I tried opening a window for air, but he yelled at me. Every movement and word I made was taboo.
This was not like the man I met, knew and married. Hawkeye was sensuous, kind, helpful and factual. He was obnoxious, grand and egotistical. He had his way with a soapbox, schemed for the greater good and always had good solutions. This Hawkeye was hit hard by something and I did not know what to do to fix it.
We reached home with great fanfare. Hawkeye helped me out of the vehicle coldly and we went inside together, almost pretending we were husband and wife. In the living room, everyone we knew came to celebrate the arrival of the twins. Eddie, Paulie, Jake and Chuck came with the booze and cigars. Mrs. Pettigrew dragged Larry and his girlfriend, Leslie, to meet us. Most of the Pierce family made it, including Dolly. TC still stayed and had her boys under a loose leash.
It was so overwhelming. There were so many people to talk to! I didn't know where to begin. Mrs. Pettigrew took Danielle and TC handled Patrick and I was free. But it was to have Annabeth and Shannon wrapped me with their little arms. They had missed me. I had to care for them too.
Everything was as it should be. Everything should have been happy. On the surface, it was. Underneath, a volcano was about to explode.
It was a lovely time and we enjoyed the companionship and everyone drank and smoked. However, everything had to end. People left and we had to pick up the pieces of this new life. Four children, dammit! Four children and a mother who had no idea what to do. And there were the men, unsure if I could handle it. Dad was as tired as I was and Hawkeye was angry for no reason.
I began the new schedule immediately and rotated between the babies and the older pair. One twin was fed and changed one hour and the next twin was tended to in the accompanying one. I haven't really slept in days. I nap sometimes when the children are sleeping, I suppose, but Annabeth and Shannon need me too. I don't sleep when they need me. I can't!
I hurt so bad. My eyes are drooping. I cannot stay like this. But I need to be calm. That's the way. I have to be. I am alone and need to rely on myself to keep going. Hawkeye cannot be here because of work. Dad is becoming too old to care for little ones. I have to be the strong one.
Nobody said being a mother was easy. I never wanted it initially. But I see now that it is worth it. This is the life I wanted, right? There is no more war and no more Army. I am free, free I tell you!
But I am not calm.
A few notes about this chapter. The game Clue was released in 1949 was looks almost the same as it does today. Monopoly was released at the height of the Depression, in 1935. Also, please understand that this is a different time. Drinking and smoking were encouraged in pregnant women and were used as prescriptions in the 1940's and the 1950's. Do not judge me and the characters.
To momoflanda: I apologize for the long wait between chapters. I am trying to update as much as I can. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing and being so patient. You've a lifesaver - stay safe!
To Mistress Twist: This should be the 4th chapter you've read at this point. Thank you so much for tolerating all of my Facebook messages. I know this is insane! You've been standing with me for so long, I appreciate you more than you know. Stay safe!
