Slowly fading,
Burnt like fire in a pyre.
Life will disappear with you.
And now, all I hear is silence.
Somehow, all I wish for
Faded in the dark.
I burn with you.
We'll see it through.
I burn in you.
It will never be the
Same as it was before.
It's true, we'll
See it through.
I burn in you,
But we'll never be the
Same as we were before.
And then, it was a year later and I was still alone and not very calm.
It had not been a good year for the family, to be honest. Dad was prone to illnesses and we had to help him more and he had to work less. Handling four children too had its ups and downs and being in charge of a house was wearing me down, despite the past that I had to face when I burned those pictures. Hawkeye was a physical and emotion mess from handling endless hours from work.
It wasn't only the job that kept Hawkeye away from home for longer and longer periods of time. It wasn't being a war doctor and veteran of the Korean War that tagged him as insane and a low man on the totem pole. It wasn't even being a husband and father to a large family that desperately needed him to be strong.
It was the weight of failure. Even though I felt a sort of tired satisfaction being at home, Hawkeye did not find the same happiness in being a doctor at home. All he did was travel and hear the same stories. People wanted care and compassion. They did not feel that their health should be taken so casually. They knew they had to pay, but it should not be a priority. Cochran was a monster too, but Hawkeye already knew that.
Hawkeye didn't like being underneath someone's thumb either. When something is wrong, he's out there, screaming about it. He's trying every which way to fix it. Like in the Army, he found so many dead ends and very few ways to remedy any situation. Except now, he could not circumvent the system and he did not have a kind keeper that navigated the Army games. Hawkeye had to work with it and do the best he can.
All and all, Hawkeye was angry that he was powerless and useless and could not see past his selfish wants and needs. When he is like that, he denies that everything in his life exists and can be angry or defensive. I recalled trying to talk to him about Shannon when we were in Korea. He couldn't do it and he grew into a bloody mess nobody could pick up. It was the reality slapping him in the face that made him remember that there were other people. He could not afford to be selfish.
The fear began again. I made myself as scarce as I could, a ghost that Hawkeye could not see, but believed in. The children were already cleaned and ready to see him before he sent them away. Not a noise was made when he was in residence. The house was taken care of and spotless each day. Dinner was always on the table by six. If Hawkeye was not home, it was left for him or reheated when he came home.
Dad was the biggest support throughout all of this. As he inched towards retirement (and resisted every notion that he had to stay home full time with me), he relied on me more. He didn't realize that I was leaning on him more. It was him that I desired around most of all, to keep Hawkeye in check and to be the referee. Otherwise, my husband would have been a raging menace. He was not going to be able to tell friend from foe.
I told almost no one what was going on. Dad and I kept up the façade for so long that nobody commented, even those in town who kept their opinions to themselves. Only at reunions and visits from others can Hawkeye relax, so they did not see past the masks. Everyone was content in their happy lives and practically oblivious to what we were experiencing and I didn't want to burden them. So many good things happened in the year since the twins were born that I could not spoil it.
BJ and Peg welcomed their last child two months after the twins were born. The baby was a boy and named after my brother. Dean Patrick Hunnicutt was almost the splitting image of BJ and as large of a joy as the girls had been. And with BJ's practice finally blooming, their second mortgage was now a memory. Peg did not need to work anymore to make ends meet. Their perfect life had come full circle.
Sherman and Mrs. Potter were quite content in their older years. However, Mrs. Potter confined that she didn't like her husband always working. She finally managed to get him to agree to a vacation in Florida, to visit her cousin Portia. They had such a good time that they decided to purchase another home there! It was a small boat house (something that he always hated until recently), but it was perfect for the colonel. He could go fishing anytime he was there.
Klinger was able to finally move home to Toledo. He took Soon-Lee and Max to his family's house when his mother wrote him letters begging him to return. His parents accepted her and their son. It was the proudest moment for Klinger. It meant he was back where he started and back where he wished his son to be. The last I heard, he managed to obtain a clerk's job in the back of a bar. He always held the dealer's dice and had a few aces up his sleeve.
Kellye wrote little to me. She told me she was busy. But there was a glimmer of her life that caught my attention. Once she called me, excited. She picked up painting landscape portraits and an art dealer found her work at a local store. He employed her and is putting on a show of her works – once every six months! Kellye is picking new themes. Her next is a nurses' outlook and what Korea meant to her.
Father Mulcahy managed to get permission to return to Korea. His mission was to create a charitable organization to help the orphans and his archdiocese granted this wish. One of the many goals of this new organization is to have them adapted to other countries. Already, he obtained interest from England, West Germany, Spain, Mexico and more. These countries are pouring funds and resources into helping these children have a better life. The Padre could not have been gladder.
Even Radar was enjoying the fruits of his labor. He settled perfectly in St. Louis and looked to his community for support. He obtained a legal separation from Sandy and decided that he wouldn't marry again. From what I've heard, the city loves him. He plays with the children in the streets. He keeps order and makes peace with warring parties. And when things are tough, he's always there to pick up supplies miraculously.
Sidney remained in Chicago with Addie and Victor. But his work took him past his borders constantly. The main attraction are his lectures. Sidney is picking up attention by the work in the military and "Shell Shock", the paper we submitted together. While there was so much Sidney could say, his words about trauma struck a chord with a lot of people. The term is now being applied to some cases, especially with women. He is called on constantly for advice.
Margaret was the best of all. When midnight struck and 1956 became 1957, Keith asked her one more time if she would marry him…and Margaret said yes. She never backed down. A month later, they married in Seattle (with all of us cheering her on and throwing all sorts of rice and flowers at her and Keith and making all sorts of jokes). Afterward, she became pregnant and gave birth to her son in December. Margaret's life was now complete.
The bubble can't be popped. They cannot know.
I had to smile. I had to laugh. I had to be strong. Then, life will go on perfectly. I could cope. I could be.
My children were the anchors. I could not fail them. If I let go of them, they would float away. I'd never find them away and I'd drown and so would they.
~00~
Oddly, despite the packages from my brothers that brought more pictures and some home movies, what brought me some comfort were letters from Daddy. Almost every week, I received damp letters from him. He was still in Vietnam. He observed the Communists and noted similarities between them and the North Koreans. He was not quite done with his reports, he wrote to me, and had much more to learn before returning to the States.
His reports to me were almost like a link to him. For the first time, we were regularly communicating with each other. Of course, I'd write back. I didn't give much to him, almost giving him enough bullshit to satisfy his curiosity. Then, my replies because more specific and littered with snippets of life. He was the only family sans Lorraine that I wrote to about Hawkeye.
Some men cannot handle the troubles war gave them, he wrote to me. They need to understand that their helpmeet is always there. You, Daughter, have to be there to sate his thirst, end his hunger and kiss away his frustrations.
It was old advice that I followed. But I also burned with an idea that Mrs. Pettigrew gave to me. Towards the end of the last summer, when we were finally sending Shannon for Kindergarten, she and I were having coffee in the dining room. I don't remember how we reached to that point, but she began talking to me about the economic growth of Crabapple Cove.
"Those lobsters aren't always coming up this way," she complained. "The fishers are going out too far. They also going to the eastern coast."
"Oh, really?" I sipped from my cup. "That's the main economy of his town."
"And the maples!" she reminded me. "There needs to be some business here. It'll benefit everyone. It'll bring jobs and convenience."
"Another grocery store?" I suggested lamely.
"No, no," Mrs. Pettigrew. She shook her head. "Oh, what am I talking about? This town has been about who knows who and why. We're close-knit. Nobody is going to take in an outsider."
Nobody is going to take in an outsider.
"They took me in," I reminded her smiling. "I was a stray."
"You're different," she told me. "Ignore me, Jeanie. Now, how are you faring now that Shannon is in school?"
We talked about Shannon's first days of Kindergarten and how the other three children were doing. All the while, my mind worked out a scheme. Hawkeye's troubles with Cochran and his corporate cronies had to end. The people here wished for something more local. Then, there was Crabapple Cove, unable to take in complete strangers to start their economy. All three ingredients made out the perfect solution: Hawkeye had to build his home base better and bring his skills within walking distance.
While Mrs. Pettigrew listened to the unusual household routine without my eldest daughter home most days, I pictured the first conspirators. Eddie and his friends deserved this job more than anyone else. They held a lot of sway in Crabapple Cove. They had connections to the local newspaper. They also had the ear of the local politicians and councilmen.
I also had the eyes of the whole town. They watched my every move and came to me for advice. One or two dropped words would not hurt Hawkeye. I was sure that at least four people would say the right thing to the right person.
Coupled with Daddy's missive, this new child was conceived. I was Hawkeye's partner as much as any other wife was to her husband. I had to do everything in my power to bring him home and to have him grow. Hawkeye could not reconcile Korea with this new frustration. Something had to break somewhere and I had to end the cycle.
I began work immediately. When Mrs. Pettigrew left, I still had chores to do, food to shop for and dinner to make. I decided to go out. Annabeth and the twins were dressed and ready to go before long. I knew my walk would attract attention. This was my first chance.
Mrs. Bretton was the neighbor on Mrs. Pettigrew's other side. She was sitting in her rocking chair on her front chair and waved as we passed her house. She asked me to stop and jogged over to greet me and the children. She complimented the twins and was astonished at how much Annabeth grew. Then, the hot question was pressed on me. Mrs. Bretton asked about Hawkeye.
"He is in Machias today," I confirmed cheerfully.
Mrs. Bretton scratched her grey head. "Now, how did he get all the way over in the Downeast? That's too far from here."
I shrugged my shoulders. "That's where Portland sends him. He travels where he is told to."
"He's traveling all the time? That's not good for him or for the Midcoast."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, don't you ever get lonely, Mrs. Pierce?"
"I am content with what I have," I said sweetly.
"Well, a wife always should be." Mrs. Bretton was skeptical. "A husband should not be traveling all the time. It breeds a bad streak in him. Don't you agree?"
"My husband has been nothing but attentive to details."
"With six dependents, I am sure he has to be. I think he should be home."
I nodded, listening to Mrs. Bretton's further explanation. I hardly got two words in. But this worked to my advantage in many ways, now that I mentioned Hawkeye's traveling. Mrs. Bretton promised to talk to someone in Portland. She added that her husband had some connections somewhere. He was the cousin to the mayor of Crabapple Cove.
When it was socially possible, I said my goodbyes and continued my trip to the grocery store. It was uneventful and merited a lot of attention to the children. It was not just the twins that gained fame. Annabeth was becoming a beauty. She was what I would have looked had life not destroyed me. Comments about Shannon going to school also grabbed up a lot of my time.
When I arrived home, I saw Dad on the porch. He was talking with Paulie and Chuck. The three saw us and stopped. The two visitors tipped their hats to me.
"Good morning, Jeanie," Chuck said. Paulie repeated the same sentiments.
I replied back and released Annabeth inside. Dad took Danielle in his arms and I held Patrick as they continued their conversation. When Hawkeye was mentioned by Chuck, Dad and I went quiet. The pair noticed this quickly.
"What's gotten into him?" Paulie asked.
"Stress," I confirmed. I was not keeping this a secret from them. "He can't do anything."
"Hawkeye has always been out for social justice," Dad continued softly. "If he can't do anything, he'll be out for blood. He'll do anything to make things right."
"Cochran is an ass," Chuck admitted. "He's got everyone under his thumb."
"What are you going to do about it?" Paulie asked.
Dad was going to say something, but saw that idea in my eyes. "Go ahead, Jeanie." He offered me the floor.
I sighed. "Well, I was going to ask all of you to help. I've heard enough complaints about keeping everything local."
"Crabapple Cove loves to help itself," Chuck mentioned.
"I was hoping to bring a medical facility here in town," I gushed out. "This will bring Hawkeye home and bring more jobs here."
"That is a huge undertaking," Dad noted. He didn't know that was my idea. "It's also dangerous. You cannot stand up against the medial board like this."
"But with enough support, we can," I argued. I turned to Paulie and Chuck. "What is needed to purchase land and a building permit?"
"A person with a good eye for real estate and twenty-five smackers," Paulie told me.
I turned to Dad. "What does the medical board in Portland need from us?"
"Permission," he informed me. "We have to justify moving a facility into town and submit a petition for a vote. I think I have some ideas."
"Do you have someone's ear?"
"If I work it right, I will. You can count on me."
My eyes fell on Chuck and Paulie. "Can you get Jake and Eddie's help too?"
"Anything to make you happy," Chuck vowed. He took my free hand and kissed it, like I was some lady. "Jeanie, we want this as much as you do. It will make life so much easier here."
The plans began immediately. Dad asked what I had done so far. I told him gossip was my main staple and that Mrs. Bretton was my first contact. He told me to stick with it and be discreet about it. On his end, he'll find his support. Chuck and Paulie promised to bring up the petition for the town within the week and will notify some of the local media. It might take some time, but with all of us working together, next year might bring the foundation of the sought-after solution.
When Chuck and Paulie left, it was time for the twins to be fed. Annabeth was also hungry. It was lunchtime. Dad and I went inside. Once everyone was settled and full, naps were in order. Annabeth went upstairs with hesitation. The twins were easy to put down.
I had maybe two hours before one of the children woke up. This meant I had time to wash the lunch dishes, wipe down the surfaces and more. I began my chores, but Dad stopped me in the kitchen.
"Are you sure you know what you are doing?" he asked me.
All of a sudden, I felt doubt. My idea was no longer a spark, but a blaze that could not be contained. It was going to kill everyone in its pathway.
But then, I shook the images away. I knew that this was going to work. All we had to do was continue the plans. If nothing came of it, so be it. We couldn't sit around and watch Hawkeye spiral out of control.
"Yes." I was confident. "If it doesn't, we think of something else. We keep making planning until we have nothing left."
"You won't stop, will you?"
"I have to. If I don't, then everyone will suffer."
"Jeanie, this is a man's world. One woman cannot make a difference that anyone will notice."
"I think you will find, Dad, that it does not matter the recognition. Hawkeye and Crabapple Cove are my concerns in this matter. The children are taken care of. If I can make both happy, then my life is complete."
Dad was not convinced, but he let it go. He promised me help again and he was going to give it to me. Now, all I had to do was wait. He had to play politics and I had to play with women. It was a good combination.
~00~
I remembered that Hawkeye came home that night. He was quiet though. He slipped off his coat and shoes and hid upstairs, telling us from the stairs that he was not hungry yet. Dad and I said nothing. We continued with life, as if Hawkeye had not come home. The children were tended to and eventually went to bed.
Just when the four rowdy children were put down, the telephone rang. I hurried to the living room and answered it. I didn't expect the person on the other end. It was Sidney!
"I am so sorry I am calling late," Sidney said. "I wanted to let you know that I will be in Portland tomorrow. Do you mind if I visit? I took some time off and need to be in Hartford until next week."
"Oh, that would be wonderful!" I replied eagerly. "I will be home."
"What about Hawkeye? Is he going to be home?"
"I am not sure, Sidney. He has been traveling across the state lately."
Sidney noted the lack of enthusiasm in my voice. "Well, I'll check in anyway."
We made some small talk for some minutes. I asked about Addie and Victor. He asked about Dad and the children. Sidney didn't pry about Hawkeye. I suspected he knew something was wrong and he'd rather speak face-to-face than on a telephone. An hour passed before we ran out of things to say and wished each other a good night.
When I put the piece back in its cradle, I turned around to begin my nightly tasks. I almost gasped, running into Hawkeye. The bump pushed me back to the table. I was almost sitting on the telephone as I breathed in the smell of scotch. Hawkeye smelled strongly of alcohol.
"Who was that?" he asked me coldly.
"That was Sidney." I smiled, to keep cheerful. "He said that he'll be in Portland tomorrow and he asked to come up. I said he could."
"I wish you'd talk to me about it first," Hawkeye complained.
"Why? I thought you'd love company. Besides, you might not be here. Am I not allowed to talk to friends?"
"Shannon has to go to school. Annabeth, Danielle and Patrick need supervision. When do you have time for friends?"
"My work cannot always be about house and family, Hawkeye. I watch everything with a careful eye. Do you have complaints?"
Hawkeye was about to retort, but stopped himself. He was resigned. "No, I don't. You are right."
He walked away. He went back to our bedroom quietly. I stared at the stairwell for a few minutes before realizing that he was gone…and I had some things to do before heading there myself. Hopping off the table, I went to work. By eleven at night, I was finished. I showered and crawled into bed, wheezing.
My chest pounded hard and I almost could not breath. I did so much running around today that I didn't grasp that it was too much. It was worth it though. This was for Hawkeye. If I could get him to stop drinking so much and focus on Crabapple Cove, all will be well. That was my mantra and I was making it come true.
Hawkeye was tossing and turning because my wheezing was bothering him. "Can't a man get some sleep here?" he mumbled as he rolled over to his other side, away from me. He pulled a pillow over his head.
I felt embarrassed. My cheeks turned red. I tried steadying myself, but I was worse off. To save Hawkeye the hassle of staying awake until I fell asleep, I got up and went downstairs, my alarm clock in my hands. I had a cot in my small room. I could set the alarm for an early hour, set up coffee and breakfast and meet the children when they woke up. Shannon had school in the morning anyway.
When I unlocked the door and closed it behind me, I thought. This was not the life I imagined. I knew it was going to be hard work and I think I made it through the worst. I had endured nightmares that would have terrorized others and remained with my children. Hawkeye has not passed through the hurdle yet and required some help.
It was going to take time, I knew then and now, a year later. Hawkeye was going to see that what he was enduring was not the ending. It was only the beginning. He only had to see that we were all on his side. He had worth.
Following lyrics are from the Lacuna Coil song "I Burn in You".
