Even a year later, I can remember everything so vividly. While the twins and Annabeth walked the beaches with me on that cold September day in 1957, all I could think about was the worst that happened within the year. I chased all of that away, along with the sorrow and grief of the past. For it was not just Hawkeye I was upset over, but other events out of my control.
My brother Jeremy, the eldest from my mother's side, died of alcohol poisoning in Holland and he was not even fifty-six. Greg was suffering from a smoker's cough that sounded like his lungs were suffocating and they thought he had cancer. Daddy was in poor health and still enduring the harshness of the Vietnam jungles. My brother Robert's youngest child, Tommy, accidentally drowned when out swimming with a friend of his.
It was enough to make me reach for my children and cry. But I recalled Sidney's last visit the year before. It was an odd comfort, in the months to come until now. Sidney was empathetic. He too understood what Hawkeye was going through and gave me some words to keep in mind, such as finding hope and faith in the senseless civilian world. He also thought intervention with Hawkeye was the best method for its conclusion.
"No," I told him strongly as we talked in the dining room over coffee. "He has to have the evidence in front of him. He cannot just have someone tell him something and that is it."
"Jeanie, it'll take time," Sidney reminded me. "You can't possibly forget how he treated you in Korea, when Shannon was a baby."
"No, I cannot forget it," I replied carefully, "but I have moved past it and know how to combat it. Hawkeye is a complex man. He won't be angry for long."
"Define long, Jeanie. He didn't do anything about Shannon for over a year. That's considered a long time."
"I'd give him two years. If nothing has changed, I'll let you have your way with him."
Sidney smiled. "Deal."
But Hawkeye remained cold and distant, regardless of what I told Sidney and whatever happened in the family. The more Cochran demanded of him, the more he barked at home. The divide remained between us and him, but I was still confident it won't be for life. Besides, we had some familiar faces coming over and it'll cheer him up. Sherman, BJ and Charles were coming for a medical conference. It was in Bathe this year and they opted to stay with us, to make travel easier.
I was excited. I had not seen many people in the past year and remained in a cocoon. I mean, there was a reunion in Seattle a few months ago and it was pretty large, all things considering. Margaret and Keith hosted and they were showing off their baby, a son named Henry. She named the baby after our first CO, the one she harassed to hell and back again. It was a fitting tribute. Best of all, Margaret was pregnant again. She was going to have twins. She was never happier.
Next month, much like every October, Lorraine will be hosting another toast to Henry. I never went to these morbid celebrations and she often held them with family and neighbors alone. But that cold day in September, I longed to be with her too. I tried not to think about Henry often. Sometimes, I saw him on the beaches. He was in my dreams on occasion, telling me the silliest things. It was like he never left me.
Indeed, Korea never left me. The best comforts had been the people who had served with us, always and forever. While I did not have the female companionship I often seek in civilian life, at least there were the male counterparts from war.
Regardless of how I felt, I prepared the house for their arrival and held my breath in anticipation. We only had one guest room and it was going to be tight quarters. I didn't know how well Charles and Sherman were going to get along. BJ could handle the pair and had dealt with Charles before. However, I was prepared. My old cot can be used for use in our bedroom, in case BJ needed to escape.
Soon, reality claimed me. I was back on the beach. The children were antsy. Even the twins wanted to rush ahead.
"Mommy, can we run? Please?" Annabeth rushed up to me. "Patrick and Danielle want to run."
"Go ahead." I waved the three ahead. I knew that there would be fewer instances where I would watch them until school claimed them. "Come back when you reach the wetlands."
Annabeth was always watchful with her younger brother and sister and was the perfect boss when Shannon was not around. Patrick and Danielle were over a year old now and quite the independent pair. Like Dean and myself years before, they conspired together and were always close. They had their own personalities that I acknowledged with great glee though. I was glad to see them develop outside of their kinship, like Dean and I had.
Danielle was a dreamer. With her dark brownish-black hair and grey eyes, she was almost similar to Annabeth in appearance, but her naïve nature gave her away as the younger sister. She often sought the happy things in life. She pointed out the simplest things and danced, not caring how ridiculous she looked. She even cried over the simplest tragedies, like the stray cat Mr. Bretton hit with his car and died.
Patrick was a little more serious like Annabeth except not so cynical. Like Shannon, he was most like Hawkeye bar had more counsel like Dad. He did not speak much. When he did, it was carefully and his words, even for a baby, had heavy weight to them, even when he asked permission to do something. He was also empathetic and always thought of his sisters first. He had the best of us in him.
I eyed the three. I did not race them. I was out of breath. But their little figures kicked up wet, cold sand. Annabeth was behind the twins and didn't bother getting ahead of them, even if she was older and stronger. She held their hands and allowed them to explore, as long as she was in charge.
In the distance, I heard Dad call out to me. I turned my head to the house and waved, pointing to the children. In our own sign language, I told him that it'll be a few minutes before I'd come in. He replied back that we had company and that I had better come in soon. Quickly, I checked on the children. They were almost to the wetlands. They'd be back in time.
I wrapped my shawl around me tighter. This was turning out to be an interesting day already. I didn't expect anyone coming until the day after tomorrow. Now, I was anxious. I waited until the trio returned before I announced that we had to go inside. All three children were not pleased and begged to stay outside, but I vetoed the excuses.
Temper tantrums and all, the children went inside and sat down in the living room to calm down. While none of them were happy with me, I still had to greet out visitor. Sitting in the dining room waiting for me was Sidney. He sipped on a cup of coffee as he watched me handle Annabeth and the twins with the ease of an expert mother. When I was done, I grabbed my own mug and joined him.
"I didn't expect you to show up," I admitted. I kept the thrill in my voice. "I thought this was for a doctors' medical conference."
"I am not here for the conference," Sidney admitted, "although I am sure we can make one of our own. I have some pay I am willing to part with. Honestly, I am concerned about Hawkeye."
I almost choked on my coffee. I told him the year before that everything was fine and that it was under control and that he can have his turn when two years was up. I made sure that Sidney understood that I had plans to make Hawkeye turn around. I didn't expect him to come here, just to butt in again. Just thinking of it made my blood boil. I was so pissed!
"What do you expect to do?" I asked him calmly. I kept my temper in check.
Sidney took a deep breath. "Well, I was talking with Sherman, BJ and Charles about this. I told them about your idea and they believe it will be the ticket."
"What?" Now, I was outraged. "You're telling everyone about our problems?"
"Jeanie, calm down. They're gracious, not stupid. They knew something was wrong, but thought Hawkeye was just being his normal self. I mentioned very little details."
"But you told them I am planning on getting Hawkeye in charge of his own medical facility in town."
"That was my last resort. They were thinking up of other ideas. I mentioned it to prevent them from calling Hawkeye and yelling at him."
I calmed a little. "Ok. So, now what? What is your plan?"
"To let you continue your work," he replied. "What do you have?"
I regaled Sidney with all sorts of details. The idea had a huge impact on the community, so much so that the local politicians were highly interested. Dad managed to connect to the right people, not just in town, but also in Portland. Someone higher up the chain than Cochran got wind of these plans and began putting pen to paper. All we needed was to be a part of their coastal health community and make Hawkeye head of this place. Then, we find a piece of property and begin building.
Sidney was impressed. "You did all of this without Hawkeye knowing? I thought this town was infamous for its gossip."
"Hawkeye is too busy to think about town gossip," I clarified. "He's not focused on what is in front of his nose."
"I see." Sidney took another sip of coffee. "So, you're sneaking behind his back to make footprints on his back? That's amazing, Jeanie. How can you do it?"
"Sometimes, you get inspiration from the least likely of sources." I checked on the children quickly and released them for playtime. I returned to Sidney. "Besides, how can he get past everything he's experienced if he can't find his niche in life?"
Sidney agreed and changed the topic. He discussed staying with Eddie, but I had none of that. I got up and managed to find Hawkeye's old Army cot in a closet. I set it up in the guest room, at the edge of the two twin beds. Sidney was told to pick a spot. Charles and Sherman can argue over the other choices when they arrived.
Sidney thanked me and began to settled down upstairs. This left me with the children. Shannon was going to be out of school soon and I had to pick her up soon. Dad intended to stay here with our guest. I had some free time before I walked over to the school.
However, I thought. I kept everything a secret, so nobody had to worry. What had anyone said? Who let the cat out of the bag? I didn't wish our house business to be aired out like dirty laundry. Once I found out who the gossipmonger was, I was going to tar and feather them. I would even give Hawkeye the treatment. God knows how much I've tolerated his madness.
~00~
It was calmer once Shannon was home. We pinned her artwork on the wall of her bedroom and marveled at it. Then, she dressed into more comfortable clothes and she was off to play with Annabeth. The twins were left to their own devices in the living room. While I cooked dinner, I counted down the hours until Hawkeye returned home. He was in Searsport this day and knew Sidney was here. He promised to be home.
While I was cooking, there was a knock on the door. Dad went to answer it. When he saw who it was, he was beyond excited. It was another visitor who came two days too early.
"Jeanie, Sherman Potter is here!" he yelled as he let the former colonel in.
"Jesus Christ," I mumbled to myself. I was finishing up a sauce and could not stop stirring. To Dad, I added, "Hold on!"
"Hold those horses, Jeanie, I'll just come on in here." Sherman entered the kitchen, bags and all. "How are things?"
The kindness on his face almost prompted me to tell him everything. His sparkling blue eyes were so trusting and easy that I could have cried my heart out. I held out though. I smiled and turned the heat down on the stove. The sauce could wait for a few seconds.
I hugged him tightly as he dropped his bags. "It's so good to see you, Sir."
"Aww, Jeanie, no need to be so formal." Sherman Potter returned the sentiment. He held the back of my head. "It'll be all right."
I took a deep breath. I had to control myself. His shaking words almost got to me. But he sounded pretty upset himself. We were partners in misery.
We separated. Sherman held my hands for a minute before releasing them. He began saying how good it was to be back in Maine, but stopped himself.
"Naw, that isn't right," he said. "Let's cut down to the chase here, Jeanie. I'll tell you what's been going on."
I went back to dinner and he took a seat at the nearby table. From there, he told me about Mildred. They were happy in their golden years, but she was not doing well. Her health declined in the past six months. She almost didn't make it the last winter and spent time in the hospital. Now, she is down in Florida with Portia, trying to get the chill out of her chest.
"Margaret started stepping in," he added, annoyed. "She wants to help. Help! She has a baby and a husband and another two on the way. What in sweet hell does she think she is doing?"
"She likes being a busybody," I told him, laughing. "She can't miss out an opportunity to help you and Mrs. Potter."
Sherman shook his head. "I still don't understand it, Jeanie. Why?"
"Because we love you." I quickly went over and kissed him on the forehead. "Now, do you need anything?"
"No," he told me, "except you can tell me about what's been going on between you and Hawkeye."
I froze. "What do you mean?"
"We've all noticed that Hawkeye has been a jackass," Sherman explained. "He relaxes around his friends, but we know he is hard on all of you. He has some broom up his ass."
"It's work," I reassured him. I went back to the stove and continued cooking. "It's nothing."
"If it's nothing, then why in tarnation are you helping him work closer to home?"
"I think it will help him. I thought that was partially what being a wife should be about."
"Jeanie, it's a big task you've taken on. Are you sure you'll manage it?"
"I have help. Dad reached out to some people he knew. Some of the guys in town had connections. I used them."
Sherman got up and drew closer to me, but not enough that he was in the way of me cooking. "What have you been up to?"
"I've been busy," I told him. Then, I told him about everything I've done in the past year, including the renovation of the basement that were finished two months ago. I concluded, "I even went to a meeting with Shannon's teacher. It was unusual."
"Other than that." Sherman waved it all away. "What did you do?"
"My father wrote to me," I informed him quietly. "He told me about Vietnam."
"There's more. I can tell, Jeanie."
"Sir, I don't want to talk about it. I do not believe you will understand."
Sherman patted me on the shoulder. "Well, if you need to talk, you know where to find me."
The topic changed thankfully. Sherman asked about the sleeping arrangements. When I told him Sidney was upstairs, he grew excited. I also told him there were two beds and two cots and everyone had to fight for their place. I didn't assign places except for BJ and that was worst case scenario.
"Sidney took one spot," I explained. "Claim a bed when you can."
"Well, isn't it grand I came early?" Sherman grinned.
He took his bags upstairs. I overheard him greeting Sidney and the two began talking. I didn't bother eavesdropping. I expected Hawkeye to arrive soon. I hoped he would be calm with two people staying with us. Most certainly, he will behave.
Dad arrived in the kitchen. "Are you going to be all right?"
He knew all of my troubles and possibly understood what I was thinking at the moment. He alone had to help me remain steady throughout this past year. Just seeing him in the doorway was enough to make me cry again. I could not stand it anymore.
I turned the heat off of the stove and rushed to him. I wrapped my arms around his thin shoulders and laid my head against his shirt. I buried my eyes in the darkness. I struggled to keep my control.
Dad comforted me the best way he could. "Jeanie, it'll be ok. You know that. Be confident in your plans. I think they will work. Have some hope. And God, please, don't cry on me. I don't want to change my shirt."
~00~
Within two days, I had a full house and there were plenty of arguments to go around. Charles and BJ arrived right on time and had taxies bring them to the door. Immediately, BJ claimed the cot and placed it at the foot of our bed and told us to never relay our passions near him again. Charles was aghast that he had no bed and had to resort to a cot in the guest quarters.
"How can I concentrate on what I need to learn if I do not have enough sleep?" he demanded of me everyday. He was not comfortable. "It is grating on my nightly routine!"
I told him to talk with the other guests to see if some arrangement could be made. Of course, nobody was willing to give up their place. Sidney was the only one eager to negotiate to leaving his bed, but he was planning on leaving in a few days anyway. He promised Charles his place. In the meantime, he had other plans.
I knew that he and Hawkeye made many walks on the beach together. I didn't ask what they talked about, but understood that it was for the best. Love was calmer when he returned with Sidney and he often avoided me and the children and went straight to our bedroom or down the basement, where the still was. I could not tell if this was good or not yet and thanked Sidney more than once.
Before he left, Sidney had his own questions for me. While Hawkeye was enduring his last days of work before a long-sought vacation and the medical conference, we all found our own things to do. BJ and Sherman decided to take the children out for a walk on the beach. Charles went to town to find a decent place with wine. Dad went to visit a sick friend. We were alone in the house.
Eventually, Sidney coaxed me to the basement and joked about propositioning me. I volleyed with silliness of my own and followed him. We sat down at the card table and chatted for a few minutes. Then, out of the blue, Sidney asked me how I dealt with Mom's death.
"Not very well," I admitted. "It was very…sad actually. She starved herself to death in church. She didn't want anyone finding her."
"Hawkeye mentioned that," he replied. Then, he took a sharp turn to the left. "Your father-in-law also told me you received packages from your brothers. They didn't check the contents and told you to go ahead and sort them."
This time, I almost broke down in tears. I didn't expect Dad to tell Sidney anything. I was not mad. Sidney knew about the dirty business with Clarence and the former Major Simmons. Dad didn't know what to do with that kind of madness and usually was more present for comfort. I could not blame him for reaching out to Sidney.
I didn't say anything. I almost couldn't. I didn't know what to say. I mean, there had been many more packages that came in the mail after the initial one shocked me. Before he died, Jeremy found the home videos. He also found another batch of pictures that came in multiple trips. Each box was not riffled through. I allowed Dad to store them with the other boxes and to take out the women and have their shame burned each time we had a fire on the beach.
"I do not know if I can look back anymore," I finally said. I took a deep breath. "I don't want to believe that I had so much bad in my life when so much good has happened. There was so much anger and resentment there."
"You don't want your children to see it," Sidney stated plainly.
"No, I don't. I want it all to burn. Those women and I deserve the closure."
"You've been burning them? The film and the pictures?"
"What other way is there to get rid of them? Do you have another suggestion?"
Sidney had nothing. "If this will move you forward, do it. I can't tell you how to heal. I can guide you."
He never asked to see them. I was relieved. We talked of other things that have been bothering me, like Tommy drowning and Jeremy dying, and moved on to less morbid topics. We exchanged some news about other people we knew. Sidney also mentioned our Shell Shock paper and how much he wanted me to be a part of it.
"I can't and I won't," I told him vehemently. "I am done. You've received the credit for it. You taught the classes and you're the expert. I just observed and added my thoughts. You continue with our work."
"Which is something most people do not have," Sidney pointed out. "You do not give yourself any credit, Jeanie. You have the skills. You cannot let it go to waste. You were meant for more just than raising a family. You can do both."
"I prefer my private life," I declared. "This is all I needed right now."
But deep down, something stirred inside of me. Sidney had a point. I never gave myself any credit. I hid behind this wall, where my home and my children were. At the moment, it was the best any woman could ever ask for. I could not ask for more.
What if you want more? What would you do?
I dismissed the thoughts. I smiled at Sidney. I was resolved to remain at home with the children. That was it.
