20

Scotch Thoughts

The Boy Who Could Be King

The softness was almost too much – and he couldn't get enough of it. He could feel her warmth emanating through it. He could smell her shampoo, or perfume, or was it her laundry soap? It didn't matter. It was Amanda and his senses were full of her. Here they sat, their fingers entwined and caressing, his other hand full of the softness of her sweater, his arm wrapped around her – in the midst of this small audience. It didn't even matter to him that Billy was there on the stage in front of them in full view of them. This was so right! This was what he had been longing for for so long.

He had always thought that his carefree life of travel and international intrigue had been living the dream. How dull it had become. Look at how Edmund Spencer had lived and yet all he had yearned for was Terry and maybe even Sandra. A family – a happily ever after with someone to love and be loved by. King Eddie had been willing to give his life for them, and even when he thought that he was at his end all he had longed for was connection.

He had spent so many years fighting any idea of the future, happily ever after or not. He hadn't even realized how cynical he had become until he had met Amanda. He guessed it really had taken all of these past three years to bring him to this place, this wonderful embrace with this amazing real and normal woman tonight. But it really had only been in the past few weeks that pieces of his own self had come into place. He had only really accepted the fact of his legitimate need for relationship the other day while flying back from California with Petrovich and Chang and their partners. Even the world's best spies needed love in their lives. But what he had noticed over these past few days was how disappointed and hurt so many people were and how those disappointments and pains might keep them from ever finding their happily ever afters. Everyone had their hardships and their hurts. He had known that, studied that even while training to be an agent. Deeply hurt individuals often made the most interesting criminals. But it had only been academic study. In his own life he had used his hurts and disappointments to fuel his pursuit of his career - a career that would leave little option for long term love or intimate family connections. Of course, he had known that Amanda had suffered her own pain, he could remember how clearly he had felt it when Joe had returned and he had sat with Amanda in that booth at Dooley's. What he hadn't noticed until yesterday was how easily he had been able to see the tender hopes that Amanda held so tightly to her heart of her own "happy ever after."

He had spent a good portion of today thinking about her. He had promised to finally take her to the Agency Credit Union to finalize that loan. He had also made plans to talk to someone about Amanda's part time status after all she had ceased to only work "part time" months ago… But what was preoccupying him more than anything was trying to find a way to have that beautiful smile that he had seen on her face as she listened to Sandra return… and hopefully have it appear because of him. He'd dreamt of her smile almost nightly since the Food for Flight case and he was getting desperate to have those dreams come true.

The date with Amanda the other night had been wonderful. They had talked nonstop over a simple dinner. He had answered all of her questions about Petrovich and Chang, and he had even offered some of the colorful details of his dealings with them in the past. She had been engaging and he had been attentive. And yet he couldn't help thinking that she had held back from him for some reason. Maybe she still wasn't as sure of him as he was of her. Maybe she was suspicious of his motives, maybe she still didn't really know how much he cared for her – how important she had truly become to him. He knew that only consistency on his part would win her. Maybe all those years of his past behavior was still in her mind. Maybe part of her response to him was due to her past with Joe. He had tried so hard to understand why he felt like she had been holding back from him and he was ready to do whatever it took to win her trust.

Of course, his run in with the vice cop the next morning could have made her even more reticent – he knew how it probably had looked as she walked through the front door of the Agency. He was hoping that the way that scuffle with that damn vice cop had made him unable to pick her up hadn't rubbed her the wrong way. He knew she was angry; he could understand that. And he was ready to explain everything to her. He really did want Amanda to know that he was there for her. Cosigning a loan was something he had never considered before, but yesterday, in the lobby, there had been no hesitation. He had been relieved to see her face relax and it had been gratifying to see the look of pleasant surprise on both Amanda's and Mrs. Marsden's faces. He had known that his offer had settled her down when he realized that she had only been teasing about the lipstick. Her "It's okay, it's not your color anyway" had released the tension that he had felt growing since she had pointed out the fact that he was still marked from the ridiculous encounter from earlier. But it hadn't really occurred to him until later that day how much Amanda held so tight to her chest.

She had been so uptight about the lawn mower and gold fish and her car and property taxes. These were things he had never really had to concern himself with. He had known for a while now that finances were tight for Amanda, and he had even been a part of helping to get her a raise. He had spent time over the past few months learning her rhythms so much so that he even knew which day of the week was her grocery shopping day. But what he hadn't really grasped until now was how much Amanda had dreamed of sharing life with someone and how hard she worked to keep her hopes and disappointments under tight wraps. The way she exhaled with surprise when he offered to cosign had only begun to make sense to him. But it wasn't until he caught sight of her sweet smile as she listened to Sandra in his apartment that he began to really understand Amanda's heart. She too dreamed of a happily ever after. Maybe she dreamed of it in guarded moments and placed her dreams under as tight a lock as he had … until now.

Now to have her here, wrapped in his arms, their fingers intertwined, he knew he was ready to open his locks and begin to let his dreams out, and he was sure hoping that Amanda could feel the same way. He didn't think that he would take to learning the saxophone in order to keep up international relations with Cap de' Far, but he could cosign a loan in order to show Amanda that he cared about her hopes and dreams. And now she was turning to face him. He could feel her breath on his skin. Her eyes were sparkling – were they sparkling like that at him? He couldn't help but draw his eyes to her mouth… her beautiful lips were forming words, words about a happily ever after. Could she possibly be thinking of the two of them together? God her mouth was a magnet to him. It was a good thing they were in a room full of people. He had never felt his head swim like this and it was all good. He was sure that all he needed now was the right place to be alone and some time to be able to make sure that Amanda knew how he felt, and they could walk together into some sort of wonderful future together.