20

Window Reflections

The Boy Who Could Be King

Oh my gosh! How had she fought this for so long? It was this very sensation that had numerous times years ago plagued her, and how many times back then had she chastised herself and scolded her reflection in the kitchen window to button it up and act like the professional trainee she wanted him to know her to be? How many mornings had she awakened and straightened her befuddled brain after dreams that had felt like this, dreams of Lee's nearness and his smile so close to hers, dreams of his eyes gazing into hers, his mouth inches from hers? And then she would awaken and reason with herself that the dreams were just her silly subconscious teasing her, and in fact, she really didn't want that at all. All that she had wanted was to be the best partner and friend to Lee that she could possibly be.

Well, that had been three years ago. Almost a year ago she'd had to acknowledge that the lines between she and Lee, the ones that she had been constantly schooling herself in, were in fact rather thin. Over the past few months there had been times when she was pretty sure that those dreams just might be coming true – and that brought up a whole bunch of other conversations that she'd have to have with herself. She had lectured herself about how much she never wanted to jeopardize their working relationship by trying to navigate a close personal relationship. She had reminded herself countless times that she was a single mother and Lee was not exactly a candidate for step- father, and then she would chide herself all over again because she had even put the name Lee Stetson and "step- father" in the same sentence. And yet, the sense that something very real and very powerful was growing between them just wouldn't go away. And even though she had tried to simply take Lee as he offered himself –as a friend, a partner or even an admirer for however long that could last – it seemed that he wanted more. He had been listening to her more, trusting her more, sharing more and wanting to spend more time with her. And right now, he had her wrapped in his arms and his fingers were maddeningly intertwined with hers and she couldn't help but caress his beautiful hands in response. She was dizzy and if it wasn't for the jazz music that they were supposed to be enjoying, she was certain she would be completely overcome and make a fool of herself if they had tried to have a conversation.

This was the perfect ending to the whirlwind rollercoaster of the past few days. Had it really only been less than a week ago that the two of them had been standing behind that bar in the Agency plane sipping vodka? She had been part of that crazy team that had saved world peace, and Lee had told her that she had a cute nose. And then she had come home, right down off of this professional cloud nine, and everything seemed to come crashing in on her, her single status and the fact that she did indeed carry it all. Like when she would have to initiate things for the boys with Joe or that doggone tax increase. She could be on top of the world like she was after that Food for Flight case and then she would get the tax bill when she got home. It wasn't a big deal, it was just life, but it was all on her shoulders, and in times like that what she really wanted was someone to share the burden with, not an anxious, worried mother, contentious pre-adolescent sons or an ex- husband. Sure she could dream of Lee – but… well, he was a big "but". Like the other morning, when it had all crashed around her and he hadn't been there to pick her up as he had promised.

When they had returned from California, he had been so insistent about taking her out for dinner; he hadn't even batted an eye that she had to refuse his first offer of the night that they got home. And dinner had been lovely, and Lee had been so attentive. Not once did he mention her nose, although he had commented on her outfit. They had enjoyed pleasant, relaxing conversation, and he had even noticed that she seemed a bit distracted and uptight. She had responded that there were some "normal life" stresses that she had encountered upon returning from their last case, but it wasn't anything terrible. But he had insisted that she share them with her, and he didn't even seem bored as she explained about the tax bill that was hanging over her head, that her car had been making an awful noise and that she had scolded the boys because the grass was too long only to find out that the mower really wasn't working. She had been greatly relieved when he had suggested that he might be part of the solution by picking her up the next morning so that she could get the station wagon fixed. His offer had made her feel even more relaxed, and the rest of the evening had been fun and companionable.

But the next morning Lee hadn't come. He hadn't even called. And the cab hadn't shown up after the first call, and she had to call the cab company twice. And then she had walked into the Georgetown Foyer and the other dreams, those pesky little nightmares, had appeared to come true. Oh, yeah, she'd had many sweet dreams about Lee, but lately she'd had these awful ones too, ones where she had given her heart to Lee, and there he'd be, standing with a blond toy on either arm…. She would tell herself that she knew him better than that. She was pretty sure she did, but it annoyed her how quickly the doubts would rear their heads and play games with her. It wasn't Lee, she was sure of it. It was old ghosts of her own that she just had to figure out how to lay to rest.

But those darn doubts were working hard on her the other morning as she opened the door to the Agency. All the way into DC in the back of that cab, she had been telling herself again how transient Lee was. She was reminding herself that the job would always come first for him, that she and her suburban issues were just too "normal" for him. After all, could she ever imagine Lee working at a garage sale? She just needed to stop hoping for someone, especially Lee, to come alongside and share her life with – even for something as small as a ride to work. She just had to take care of herself.

But standing there in the foyer, right in front of Mrs. Marsden, Lee hadn't tried to make any excuses! He had said that he was sorry. He had acknowledged that she had every right to be mad at him. And even though it seemed as if he really didn't understand how much her part time status kept her stuck and unable to access all the benefits that he seemed to have, he had not even flinched as he offered to cosign a loan with her. Cosign a loan? With her? And this he easily said, in front of Mr. Marsden, as if he had thought the whole thing through, and he was completely comfortable with the idea of linking himself to someone with the responsibilities that she, a suburban single mom of two, bore. She couldn't help but wonder if he really even knew what he was saying, or if she should even believe him. And briefly, as she quickly glanced at the look on Mrs. Marsden's face, she wondered if maybe she was not fully comprehending what he was trying to convey to her. All that she did know was that now any of that lipstick all over Lee's face didn't matter anymore, and the memories of the nightmares that had lingered over her had instantly dispersed.

It was funny how events unfolded in her life. She had felt so heavy with the responsibilities that morning, rather alone in the world amongst demands and needs. Lee had lifted some weight by offering to cosign, but she still didn't think he even understood what he was offering – even though it was tempting to let her hopes for the future soar. But the words and actions of seemingly insignificant people can tug at a girl's heart, and the comment from that sleazy shoe salesman about "lonely ladies" had niggled at her. She was alone. And watching some strange man in a flashy red sports car go after an innocent young paper boy had sent her into maternal protective over drive – sometimes a mother is all a kid has got. And meeting Sandy and listening to her tell her story about falling in and out of love with King Edmond Spencer had only sent her back into the deepest wishes of her own heart.

What she really wanted, had always wanted and still did want, was a love story of her own. And the only person she could ever imagine that with as her life had gone now was Lee. She knew that she could be a part of his spy world, but after their whole journey together over these three years, could he really be acknowledging that he wanted to be a part of her normal, suburban life? Could Lee Stetson, the one who was becoming so dear to her, the same man who had said that he would never become a Bomber father, would he really have spent the time weighing what it would mean to be a part of her life? She had heard Sandy say that she had been really "ready for something." Maybe she herself was also really ready for something? Maybe Lee was too?

After they had caught Crowley and wrapped up the case, Lee had indeed taken her down to the Agency Credit Union. She was sure she had not imagined the look of shock on the clerks' faces when he had boldly announced what he had come there to do. She had studied his face closely, employing all of her skills in reading people, and she had seen no sweat on his brow or paleness in his skin – no signs of nerves anywhere. He had just looked peaceful and even happy. Maybe happy hadn't been the right word. Lee was beaming and eager to cosign for her. And in that moment, something seemed to have slipped into place for her. She could feel gates open in her heart that she had stoically shut so many years ago, long before she and Joe had even spoken the word "divorce." She realized she had begun to shut them way back then, the first time that she had had to make up a story to tell the boys why their Dad had missed a birthday or when she had begun to not even mention things that she had needed help with around the house because she knew that Joe wasn't going to be available. She had swung the gates of her heart closed, and they had remained that way. She had thought that her presence in Lee's life had opened some shut gates for Lee, but it wasn't until this moment that she had recognized how much Lee had opened in her own heart. As she was sitting beside this wonderful man watching him hold that pen in his hand and add his name next to hers on the loan document, knowing how much he was stepping away from his old, lone-wolf, single playboy life to somehow shoulder some of her suburban housewife one, she knew that she had become totally open to him.

And now, here she was tonight, in an audience of people, sitting right in front of Mr. Melrose all wrapped up in Lee's arms! She had been thinking about Sandy and King Eddie, about Terry Wall having a complete family. But really, she had been letting her own hopes and dreams bubble up inside of her, and she couldn't stop the words from coming. She had spoken of happily ever afters and the future, and all that she was aware of was that Lee was enticingly close to her, and all that she could think of was what it would be like to be even more closely wrapped in his arms - what it would be like to have him kissing her. And if it hadn't been for all those people in that room, maybe she would have finally known.