CHAPTER 77

For long minutes there was no sound.

No sound except the wind blowing on the trees around them. Wing didn't even look at them. It felt like they didn't exist.

There was only him along with Father John.

The human had turned in his direction, a deeply anxious expression on his face. Anxiety and pain. It was as if he had already felt before him that he would be bruised by the rediscovery of his memories, that he would not recover from it.

"... Wing," he only said.

Wing didn't reply.

Inside, it felt like his spark had gone out at the same time as the Little Light he had loved so much in those years.

When are you coming back to Cybertron? she had asked him several times by comm-link.

He always replied "soon, my Little Light".

And the last time they had seen each other ... the two had confessed their love for each other. She was his daughter, he was his father.

It didn't matter what Dai Atlas said ... it didn't matter what Star Saber said ... it didn't matter that there was no spark bond.

Wing ... couldn't even get up. Everything came back… everything.

"... She was in the apartment," Wing repeated monosyllably.

An apartment destroyed by bombing.

It had been the most horrible night of his life. Everything happened at a speed beyond their control.

Wing remembered it now. Wing, who hadn't believed it, had asked Gasket to calm down, to repeat what he had to say, Drift who'd watched the scene, helplessly...

Wing who had thought for a moment that this was a nightmare ... that Heavenlight had been still alive.

But that had been the reality. Wing and Drift had gone on Cybertron, regardless of the DJD or other dangerous Decepticons or even Autobots here.

He'd only believed that Gasket hadn't found her yet, and she had been alive somewhere. Under the rubble ... calling for help...

She must have been so afraid ... She had been waiting for only one thing: someone to come and get her.

Wing thought there would be only one way out: he would be looking for her, he would find Heavenlight ... He would hug her tightly. He would reassure her. He would promise her that it would never happen again and together, along with Gasket and Drift, they would return to the Crystal Cities and Dai Atlas would agree to let them live in the Circle of Light.

There was only this ... one possible outcome.

That was what he'd had in mind ... when they had landed, had found Gasket in the middle of the ruins, covered with earth, ash and dust, searching desperately for a sign of life.

Together, the three of them, they would find her…

Three days ... They had spent three days searching, digging, calling her name.

Wreckers had come to assist them.

Even after three days without drinking, without recharging… Wing had still believed in it. He had still believed that Heavenlight was alive.

I should have bonded with her, no matter the criticism from Dai Atlas. I would have known if she had been alive or dead.

Then ... Gasket had been the first to give up. He had searched since the bombing. Without ever finding anyone.

Then ... It had been Drift's turn.

Wing hadn't given up ... until they'd lifted the last rubble and discovered a small Cybertronian corpse, black ashes to the point that it was unrecognizable.

At that time ... Wing had refused to get up.

He'd collapsed on his knees in the ruins and he had howled. He had screamed like he had never screamed before, tears rolling down his cheeks without ever stopping, falling on the cold corpse he had hugged. Gasket and Drift must have forced him to part with her when he never had the strength to let go of him.

And even today ... Wing was crying at these memories.

"... I understand," the white bot only articulated as he covered his face. "I understand why ... they wanted to take this pain away from me."

Because the next few days ... Wing had never left his room again.

He had been so devastated by this loss. He'd watched the news every day, pretending to be hopeful that Heavenlight would be revealed to be alive, despite having discovered her corpse.

But every day had kept on ... And hope had been fading ... to the point of being completely shattered when the realization had hit him. Heavenlight would not return. Never.

She was dead now.

There was only her drawing ... The drawing of her, which they had made together.

After that ... Wing had given up training. He had given up his duties to protect the Crystal Cities. He had abandoned the war. He had abandoned Drift.

Seeing himself again, Wing realized whom he should have been angriest at. He had been angry with Drift, Gasket and Dai Atlas who had erased his memories, even without his consent.

In reality, he should have been angry with himself. He had given up on living. He had always been optimistic and had only been reduced to such a shadow of himself.

His pupil, his lover Drift ... the person he'd loved more than anything ... He had abandoned him. He should have continued his training and had instead spent the days comforting him, trying to make him fill up his reserves, bathing him when Wing had no strength to do it himself.

Drift had been his crutch. When the opposite should have happened. While Drift had not even joined the Circle of Light yet.

Dai Atlas had taken on all his tasks, had set aside his own, essential for the safety of the Crystal Cities ... because Wing had given up.

Star Saber had reiterated that Heavenlight was not his daughter, that she had never been his daughter ... That therefore there was no reason to be so upset.

And Gasket… Primus… Gasket.

At this thought, the sobs took him by the throat.

"Wing ... Wing ..." he heard Father John repeat with dismay.

The human kept his hand against his ankle. For a moment, Wing would have liked him to be a Cybertronian at his height. Let him hug him, lean on his shoulder like a parent who would comfort his crying child.

Gasket had raised her ... in Wing's absence, he had been the one who had been there for her. And Wing had never bothered to call him, chat, share their grief.

No ... Wing had only abandoned him. When Wing didn't even think it was Gasket's fault, that he couldn't protect her ...

No. He had been weak not to worry about his mentor's grief. He was only concerned with his own.

"...I'm so angry... I'm so angry at myself!" sobbed Wing. "She…she…"

"It is no one's fault, Wing" replied Father John sadly.

"I-it is ! She ... she ... She was waiting for me! I really thought we were going to live together! We would had been a family ... and she is gone ... She is gone and I was not even there!"

Father John rested his head against the metal, closing his eyes as he listened to Wing's crying.

"I feel ... I feel ..." stammered Wing, his voice broken.

"I know, I know" whispered the priest gently.

"... How am I supposed to protect the Crystal Cities ... Cybertron ... or anywhere in the universe when I was unable to protect my daughter?! How can I pretend to be a member of the Circle of Light with this thought?"

"Wing…"

"I ... It was not Gasket who should have been exiled ... nor Drift ... I ... I did not even fulfill my duties after that! I dropped everything."

"But Wing… you suffered an unspeakable loss."

Wing covered the optics in his arm.

"No one will hold it against you. No one will blame you for being upset. It's mourning ... It's mourning that wants that. Everyone reacts in their own way."

"Even ... I should have taken care of myself instead of letting others suffer because of my mistakes."

"And what mistake did you commit, Wing?" Father John asked him. "You needed to cry, you needed to feel supported and loved."

Wing did not answer. Father John did not move, remaining in the same position.

"It's going to be hard, Wing. Very hard to overcome this. But tell yourself that you gave Heavenlight a chance."

"A chance?"

"A roof ... a house ... a family. She wouldn't have known love otherwise. It's you who gave her your love. You, Gasket and Drift… you all had been there for her. And no one has ever had the slightest intention of harming you, erasing your memories ... or giving them back to you."

Bitterness, guilt ... all of these emotions were evident in the priest's tone.

He was angry. He was angry with himself for having caused him such distress and pain that Wing could have forgotten.

The white bot kept his throat tied.

"She'll always be there, you know. Heavenlight. As long as you think about her. As long as she stays in your memories ... she will live. I know it's not easy to hear, Wing ... but no one dies completely as long as they are remembered."

"... Do you think she resents me?" asked Wing, his voice weak, tinged with tears.

Father John just smiled. Without looking at him, Wing held out his digit for Father John to hold him in a warm embrace.

"Even if you think it is ... resentment and grief never last. Sooner or later it will disappear."

"… I'm not sure it disappears completely."

"You just need time. The time you need."

"What if ... it lasts a long time? Years?"

Father John shook his head.

"Then it will last for years. But no one can take away the time you need to heal your spark. Nobody has the right."

"Even if it hurts others?"

The priest's response was almost immediate.

"You have to think about yourself, Wing. Right now, that's what matters. Don't hold back your emotions. Let it all out."

The sight of Wing blurred as he saw tears fall to the ground, in the grass.

In the end, he followed Father John's advice.

He cried ... he cried until there were no more tears.

Even if there would still be, even if the tears would not fill the hole in his spark.

Dad…


When evening fell, Wing joined Dai Atlas in the meeting room he had not left since their last meeting.

If Wing hadn't felt so empty, so dead in his body, he would surely have had a harder time apologizing.

But now that he had recovered his memories, the masks had been dropped. The bitterness was no longer camouflaged.

Dai Atlas was alone. Sitting on the ground, his leader looked down at his sword, which he'd hold in his servos, resting against his right knee.

His Great Sword ... the one that would have been given to him by Primus Himself.

Primus would be disappointed in you

"… You wanted to protect me," Wing only stated, in a tone he would have liked more convincing.

Dai Atlas slowly looked up at him.

"You wanted to save me from pain when you have always taught us to accept that the world is in ruins. To accept that we all join the Allspark in one way or another. It had always been your way of thinking."

The white, red and blue bot only closed the optics.

Wing realized the glaring change. He didn't behave from the strict and rigorous leader he knew most of the time.

His lips pursed, he was obviously upset and uncomfortable. Maybe deep down, he had known that day would come. He had known that Wing would remember.

"... You were no longer living, Wing. I thought of doing what should be done."

"To accomplish my duty first?" asked Wing.

After all ... The protection of the universe, the duties in the Circle of Light had always been the reason for living, the motivation of Dai Atlas.

Nothing else.

"…No. To spare you an unnatural pain" he replied unexpectedly. "Because there is nothing natural in the fact that a child dies before the one who raised them."

Somewhere, buried under all this numbness, it surprised Wing.

"I would have done the same for Axe, Star Saber, Outrigget and Gasket."

"... Is that the reason why you accepted the presence of Outrigger? The day we took him in?"

Dai Atlas took a while to respond with a nod.

Wing hesitated before continuing.

"In my memories, you said that there was no place to take care of children because of the war. That the protection of Cybertron should be privileged."

"... I didn't want to take the risk of getting attached to him, whether you or Axe got attached... and enduring a new tragedy. I accepted and maybe I should have refused."

He had raised Outrigger as a son. He, Axe and Dai Atlas…

Outrigger had not replaced Heavenlight. If fate had been more lenient, maybe Heavenlight would have stood here now, trained, surrounded ...

No one ever had the slightest intention of harming you by erasing your memories

"… And how do you currently feel?"

By crossing Dai Atlas's optics... Wing realized how much this decision had cost him.

"... I feel relieved. Relieved from a weight off my shoulderplate."

"I know I made you suffer a lot," said Wing sadly. "You all."

"It was a combination of circumstances."

He was angry. Dai Atlas had always been. He was angry with himself for refusing Heavenlight's presence and for having to erase Wing's memories after his death.

But that did not take away the guilt of the white bot. It was done. This cannot be repaired. It was time for Wing to move forward ...

The pain would never go away. Tomorrow he would think of her. The next day, he would cry. And it wouldn't stop until he someday joined the Allspark.

"... Everyone must accept death" said Wing, tone low. "Any. Even ... even a child's death."

"... I thought Primus was merciful" replied Dai Atlas without looking at him.

"We all join the Allspark. You have to accept it, unfortunately. Right now ... I have to accept Heavenlight's death. Without... erasing my memories of her."

Dai Atlas straightened up. His gaze had softened.

He seemed so much more vulnerable that way.

"I know. I was wrong."

"You tried to save me," Wing said softly. "I can't blame you completely."

He had to forgive. He had erased his memories with good intentions, despite the pain ...

"… But Dai Atlas. You can't stop me from getting attached to others. Whether it's a Cybertronian, a human, or some other species. Otherwise, I will no longer live."

"... Even when you have accepted Heavenlight's death" replied Dai Atlas, "even when you are ready to move forward ... You will have to accept the deaths of others."

Wing felt a start. He understood what it meant.

Where he was coming from.

"… Father John is a human. Even with all the will in the world, you know you will outlive him. It will be a little longer than your time with Heavenlight ... but it will always be short and too early to prepare."

Wing rubbed the optics.

"…I know."

"I can't bear to see you like that again, Wing."

"You'll have to."

But this time, he would endure. Like all those who had lost a loved one around him.

"... A death will always occur too soon ... whether it be Father John's death or someone I love... but I would be prepared."

His gaze plunged into his leaders' cracked one which, however, gave him all his attention.

"... But the day it will happen... please. Don't erase my memories. This is the only thing I ask of you, Dai Atlas."

His leader took his face in one servo, thoughtful.

Silence fell. There was no need for a word.

Dai Atlas had already understood and accepted.


Wing took a breath. Despite all the emotions going through his being, such as pain, grief, helplessness and guilt ... he felt anxious.

He had abandoned Drift, his pupil, for his own suffering.

And most of all, he had abandoned Gasket, his mentor, the one who had given him a goal.

When the latter had surely suffered as much as him, even worse than him ... Because in addition to having raised Heavenlight, he had watched her die, helpless.

Wing waited to the door to Gasket's room until it opened.

The green bot froze when he saw him.

Then his face broke down. Wing didn't force himself to smile. In a calm tone, he simply asked her:

" …May I come in?"

He didn't have to ask twice, even though he felt his mentor's deep discomfort when he stepped aside to let him inside.

He already understood. And his expression never stopped collapsing from the moment Wing showed him the USB key in the palm of his servo.

The doors closed behind them.

"... You don't have to justify yourself," Wing cut him off gently when Gasket opened his mouth, ready to explain. Or apologize.

"... I feel so ... Guilty."

Wing had guessed it. Gasket did not add anything else and just joined the berth to sit on it.

"... I feel guilty too" approved Wing as he approached him.

"You entrusted her to me ... I ... I promised you that ... nothing would ever happen to her..."

Wing let him continue, not trying to interrupt him.

"I was out ... just for ... for ... a few seconds," Gasket said, the tremors reaching his body and his voice. "If ... if I had stayed inside ... I could have …"

"You would be dead too," Wing cut him off.

One more time, Wing suppressed a sob.

"... I couldn't bear to lose my daughter and my friend the same day, Gasket."

And that thought alone would spark him more, even if it didn't dampen Gasket's emotions.

"... I wanted to apologize" added Wing.

"Apologize?" Gasket repeated, not understanding. "Why ... why apologize?"

"... I should have called you" replied the white bot as if the answer was obvious. "I should have contacted you. I should have talked to you, reassured you more ... to tell you that it was not your fault ... to show you more that you were there for nothing. That you did your best for my daughter. Even more than that it was not only mine."

Yes ... He should have known before.

Long before. He looked up at him.

"... She was yours too. She was your daughter. And I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I was not there for my mentor. For my friend… For my…"

Gasket was not crying. He had every reason to do so.

"... And I would like to make up for it" completed Wing. "Make amends with you ... and never give up on you. No matter what Dai Atlas will say, what others will say ..."

"Wing."

Gasket shook his helm.

"... You never abandoned me. And ... I don't deserve you to be so understanding."

"... I know I'm going to collapse, anyway. I'm gonna sob again until I don't feel anything. In the meantime ... I wanted you to hear me."

Wing bit his lip.

"... No matter what the others say" he added. "I will be with you. I want to be with you. No matter the future."

Whether or not he stayed in the Circle of Light ... it didn't matter.

He would stay with Gasket. He owed him that. He didn't want to lose him or abandon him anymore. Just because that he had responsibilities ... he no longer wanted that.

He would be with Gasket ... because his spark told him so.

The next moment, Gasket hugged him.

Wing immediately hugged back tightly.

"…I miss her so much."

"I miss her too."

Again, tears flowed.

Just a moment ... a moment before the pain came back to crush them.

Wing pulled away gently, even if he did not leave Gasket's arms.

His optics plunged into the green bot's.

None said a word.

Wing gently grabbed his face in his servos.

Gasket brought his face closer to his.

And as if they were meant for one another, their lips met in a light, but so intense, tender and sincere kiss.

The death of a child was not something natural.

But this... was natural. And this… kept them alive.