Mwallace: Ah, yes, that feeling. It's painful to write too.
FromTumblr: Thank you!
Pixie1913: And, yet, Chloe is unconscious and cannot help.
Andiclauds: But...she's not awake.
96itadakimasu96: Thank you. I'm doing well enough rn.
Guest: I'm sure they'll be back tho.
Ash: Yeees!
Dysrhythmia
One track mind, one track heart;
If I fail, I'll fall apart.
Maybe it is all a test,
'Cause I feel like I'm the worst, so I always act like I'm the best.
- Marina and the Diamonds
The door is closed, but Aubrey can still hear everyone speaking through the thin hospital walls. Their words don't sound like much of a secret, but, still, neither Aubrey nor Beca were invited to participate in the conversation. It feels like they're children with no control over their own lives anymore. They're destined to just wait, and hope nothing else awful happens.
"The Queens Police Department has agreed to work with Seattle," Marc says in a low voice.
"Thank God," Julia breathes, "When can we leave?"
"The hospital wants Chloe to stay for a few extra days, to be sure she's stable enough to transport," Brian says.
"They're a little more hesitant to release Aubrey," Marc states.
There it is. There's the secret.
"That's understandable, but I don't think that's going to remain a problem," Julia says, "She really wants to be home. I think maybe the promise of that might kick her into gear a little bit more. She's, at least, trying to eat now. Her anxiety level just won't go down. This might help."
"Hear that?" Beca asks, "Eat, and you get to go home."
Not home. To Queens, but not home. Her flowers are probably dying. At least they don't have any pets aside from Chloe's stupid cat.
"Aubrey. Did you hear me?"
Aubrey glances her direction and nods.
"Do you think anyone is coming back to ask any more questions?" Beca asks, "They haven't been back in like an hour."
Aubrey doesn't answer. They showed her more pictures after lunch – of the blood on the dining room carpet, entrances to the tunnels that Aubrey didn't even know existed, the head spade, and the deer. 'Can you tell us what happened here?' She should have woken up Chloe after she tripped. Chloe would have taken her seriously in that moment. There was blood all over her. It hadn't been too late to leave yet. Only, Chloe probably would have tried to rationalize that a deer had simply gotten caught in a bear trap then managed to run off on three legs. She might have just been putting terrible imagery into Chloe's head – only for everything to continue the exact same way.
They're still talking outside the room – about the logistics behind getting home. Plane tickets. Flying into La Guardia. Noah flying back to Florida instead, to bring some of their things.
Aubrey cares, but she doesn't. Her stomach is cramping, and her lips and throat are dry, every part of her body in need of water.
"I can probably kiss all of my stuff goodbye," Beca keeps talking.
Aubrey isn't quite sure how that works, but it's definitely not safe for Beca to return back to her place in LA to get her things. She gives her an apologetic frown. Maybe someone can get her things for her…
"All I want," Beca continues, "is my music. My laptop probably got fucking drenched, and all the rest of my shit is in LA. Years' worth of mixes just gone."
Everything they love – gone.
They were supposed to return to normalcy.
Beca with her music.
Aubrey with Chloe.
Aubrey glances up as the door opens.
"Hey." Julia closes the door behind her, then walks over to Aubrey's bed. "Good news." She sits down on the other side of the table. "In five days, you can go home."
Five days. Aubrey just stares downward at the blanket. That's five days too many.
"It'll go by," Julia assures her, "But listen, look at me."
They were talking about transporting Chloe. They're not expecting her to wake up by then.
Julia folds her arms on the table, a few inches away from Aubrey's face, and lowers her chin to rest on them.
Aubrey keeps staring down.
"Look at my eyes."
No.
"I'm not moving until you look at me, so I can talk to you," Julia says.
Aubrey glances up, uncomfortably making eye contact.
"You have to keep eating and drinking, or they are going to keep you here so much longer," Julia tells her, "I know that they don't understand how you're feeling right now, or why. Some people think that panic is all chest pains and shortness of breath. But I'm trying to understand, and I'm trying to help you, and I'm telling you, you have to eat and drink. I know you feel awful, and you don't want to, but it's, at least, better to be throwing up something than to try to throw up nothing, right?"
Aubrey nods rather absently.
"I'm going to get you some water." Julia stands up and walks over to the pitcher on the desk.
"Are they coming back?" Beca asks.
Aubrey knows immediately who she's talking about. Everyone.
"I don't think anyone is going to be coming in here for awhile now," Julia answers, "But this isn't just going to be over."
"Why?" Beca asks, "Why can't they see that we just clawed our way out of Hell, and back off?"
"You know why," Julia answers.
"I'm starting to wish I just died there," Beca mutters, and Aubrey can't tell if she's serious or just upset.
"Should I be concerned right now?" Julia asks.
"I said I wish I had died there, so unless you have a boat…"
"Beca, stop," Aubrey mumbles. She can't take any more death. She can't handle anyone else just gone, forever. They put so much into surviving… Also, they do own a boat.
Beca doesn't say anything else.
"Drink." Julia places the cup on the table.
Aubrey slowly picks herself up, and tries.
"Good girl."
The words propel her to try harder.
xxxxx
Xanax.
That's what Aubrey's primary care doctor had given her a prescription for. She had also given her several sheets of paper detailing all of the 'mental health' resources in the area – which Aubrey had promptly thrown in the trash upon leaving the clinic. She didn't need those. So, maybe she hadn't even told the entire truth at her appointment, but it wasn't that serious that she be completely honest. All this stuff worked the same.
Chloe had recommended she see the counselor on campus.
But Aubrey was already the laughing stock of campus as it was.
It couldn't get out to all of these petty people who had no lives to live, to the point they were forced to entertain themselves with Aubrey's misfortune, that this was bothering her.
It wasn't even them that was getting to her. It was that she had fucked up. It had nothing to do with Bumper broadcasting it to the whole world, and the whole world getting a kick out of it. It had nothing to do with that. Screw them. Let them laugh.
"Hey." Chloe walked inside and tossed her bag on the bed. "How did it go?"
Chloe, in all the wonderfulness that Chloe was, had even offered to go with her.
But Aubrey had said that she could do it alone.
And, in the end, all she had told her doctor was that school was hard and she was finding it difficult to breathe under the weight of it sometimes.
She hadn't said anything about how people went out of their way to walk around her, asking if they were far enough away from the 'splash zone'. Or how they put fake vomit on her chair in class. Or how they switched one of the professor's presentations to the video of her vomiting. Or how isolated she felt from the entire campus. She didn't mention the comments on her social media. Or how Bumper had leaked her phone number. And, she definitely didn't talk about how sick to her stomach all of this made her feel. Or how she had debilitating urges to do things she didn't completely understand to make all of her anxiety go away. Or how she couldn't sleep at night, because she was plagued by nightmares.
She shrugged, staring at her planner on the wall, still holding the pill bottle in one hand.
Chloe walked over to her and took the bottle from her to look it over, rubbing the length of her back with the other hand.
Aubrey swallowed thickly and slowly spun her chair to face Chloe – an hour's worth of rehearsal for what she was about to say fading away. "Chloe…"
Chloe placed the bottle down on the desk. "Talk to me."
"I…" Aubrey couldn't do it. She was too in love with her. That's why she had to do it. "I think we should take a break until we know whether or not this is going to work."
"What?" Chloe immediately looked taken aback. She folded her arms, hugging herself. "Are you…breaking up with me?" she asked incredulously.
Do it. She deserves something better. Aubrey shook her head. "No. I just…" Just what? "I don't want you to feel tied to me."
Chloe blinked. "I want to feel tied to you. This isn't a deal breaker for me, Aubrey. I just want you to be okay."
"And what if I'm not?" What if it continued to get worse and worse until she was asking Chloe to bleach the floor one tile at a fucking time? "Hm?"
"I don't know," Chloe answered, tears welling up in her eyes, "But we can deal with that together. I love you. Please, don't do this."
"I love you, too. But I think we need some space."
"So, that's it? You're going to tell me you love me, and then you're going to leave me?"
"I didn't say that." Aubrey forced back her own tears. "I just think maybe we should…"
"Maybe we should what?"
"Make sure this is what we want," Aubrey answered.
Chloe looked like she was about to be sick. She wiped her eyes with her hand, then grabbed her bag from the bed again. "You mean make sure this is what you want."
Aubrey wanted to call after her as she walked back out the door, to find the right words to tell her that, yes, this was Aubrey's fault, not hers. But she was gone in a matter of seconds, and if Aubrey chased her, it would be to take back everything she just said and beg for her forgiveness. This was for the best. It was for Chloe's own good. She picked up the bottle of Xanax again. At least now she would know how well it worked.
xxxxx
"Dad is going to fly back to Florida tomorrow morning," Julia says, texting on her phone, "He's going to grab some our stuff."
Aubrey feels guilty that she doesn't want to go to Florida.
"Do you want anything from our house? We have that big fluffy blanket you and Chloe like so much."
"It's fine." Aubrey is feeling rather attached to the one she's using now. But maybe Chloe's mom wants it back…
"I can see you overthinking," Julia says.
"Do you want your blanket back?" Aubrey asks.
Julia gives her a soft smile and shakes her head. "No, Baby. You are more than welcome to keep it. You are also welcome to have the other one too."
Oh.
"Do you want to spend some time with Dad before he leaves?" Julia asks, "You haven't seen him much."
That means Chloe's mom is going to leave… Aubrey's chest starts to tingle.
"You can say no," Julia says, "He's not going to be offended. He doesn't even know I asked."
"Who's going to stay with Chloe if he leaves?" Aubrey asks. Chloe's mom will have to stay with her. She has to. She can't stay with Aubrey if there is no one to be with Chloe. Chloe needs somebody more than Aubrey does. Aubrey has…Beca to stay with her. Gross.
"I'll just bounce back and forth more," Julia says, "I can split my time. You can go back and forth with me, if you're up to it."
That means there will be times when Chloe is alone. That is not acceptable. Chloe's mom will have to stay with Chloe, and Aubrey will have to find the strength to keep walking back and forth.
"Aubrey…" Julia rests her hand on Aubrey's hair. "You know when we get to Queens, we can't live in the hospital, right?"
That never actually occurred to Aubrey…
They're going to have to leave Chloe there alone.
"You know what, let's go sit with her now," Julia says, and stands up, "Come on."
Aubrey pushes the table back and stands up, draping the blanket over her arm to bring it with her. She looks at Beca, who doesn't move. As much as she does not want to extend the invite, it's not right not to… "Are you coming?"
Beca stares downward, and shakes her head. "I'm good."
What? "You shouldn't be here all alone." Chloe would want her there. And, after what she said about wishing she had died, and Chloe's mom asking if she should be concerned, and –
"I said no, Aubrey. Are you deaf?"
So much for getting along. "No."
"Come," Julia urges Aubrey out the door, "Give her her space. I want to ask you a question anyway."
"Has Beca been to see her at all?" Aubrey asks as they get into the hallway, and Julia shuts the door.
Julia shakes her head. "We let her know she could," she says, "But no."
"Why?" Aubrey blurts out, like Chloe's mom would know.
Julia reaches for her hand as they walk toward the elevator. "This is the question I want to ask you. I want to know…how do you think Beca is feeling right now?"
The elevator door opens, and Aubrey doesn't say anything as they step inside. She imagines they feel very similar – angry, scared. She isn't all too sure of her own feelings, yet somehow she is supposed to put a name to Beca's? She stares helplessly at the floor. Aubrey is smart, but not in this area.
"It's okay," Julia says, "Some people, like Chloe and myself, are really good at jumping into other people's shoes. And, you know, other people, like my husband and you and, I think it's safe to assume, Beca have to think a little bit harder about it. And that's okay."
The elevator door shuts, trapping her with the question and Chloe's mom waiting for an answer.
"You can say you don't know," Julia says, "I don't know for a fact either. But I can speculate."
Aubrey just looks at her.
"I can imagine maybe she's feeling a little bit guilty," Julia says, "Or maybe a lot guilty. From what I've gathered, her fiancé is at fault here. Can you imagine Chloe doing something so terrible, and having no idea until it's too late?"
"Chloe would never do something like this," Aubrey says.
"I bet Beca thought the same thing about the man she was going to marry."
"The Treble were always…" dicks "…terrible people."
"Enough to do something like this?"
No. Bumper literally saved Aubrey's life, before ending his own from Fat Amy. Aubrey steps out of the elevator as the door reopens.
"What if you felt like you somehow caused this for Chloe?"
Aubrey can relate to feelings of guilt – having thought the whole time that she did cause this somehow.
Beca didn't do this to her though. She helped Aubrey find her. Even when she could have gone after Jesse to make sure he was safe, she chose Chloe. And, on the end, no one actively hurt Chloe. She fell. It wasn't Beca's fault.
"What do I do?" Aubrey finds herself asking.
"About what?" Julia asks.
"Everything." Chloe. Beca. All the questions. Herself. It's too much.
"We're all just taking this one step at a time," Julia tells her, "Figuring it out as we go." She stops outside of Chloe's room, and faces Aubrey. "And I know that doesn't feel okay, but it is."
Aubrey can't just go one step at a time, figure it out as she goes along. She needs a plan. A timeline. An idea of what life is going to look like now. She needs to know when Chloe is supposed to wake up, how to handle the investigation, and when all of this will actually, finally be over.
"I'm sorry that's all I can tell you, Honey-Bunny. I wish that I had all of the answers for you. I wish that I could tell you everything you need to know, and that I could fix all of this for you and for all of us."
That doesn't help. Aubrey pulls her hand back, then folds her arm across her body, trying to create a barrier, more or less just hugging herself.
"Do you know what I can tell you?" Julia asks.
Aubrey looks at her again.
"That I've got you. Whether this all turns out okay or not, no matter what, I've got you. If that means packing all of our bags and permanently moving ourselves to Queens, if that means sorting through all the legal stuff, if that means being there when it is too much in any way, shape, or form, whatever it is, you have people who care about Chloe's and your best interests, and who are capable and willing to meet those needs."
"That's very generous," Aubrey thanks her, her head spinning, "But it's possible that Chloe and I may have different best interests, and-"
"Don't do that," Julia cuts her off, "Don't do that to yourself."
"You're not my mom," Aubrey reminds her, "You don't have to do this. Any of this."
"We've gotten technical over this before, and we can do it again," Julia rebuttals, "Those words won't work. I'm not technically Chloe's mother either."
"Legally, you-"
"It's a document. It's a piece of paper with a signature. That piece of paper doesn't tell me that I love Chloe; it tells the court who has legal guardianship over her. Her birth certificate did the same thing for four years. What did that ever mean?"
"Did you know my family is here?" Aubrey asks.
Julia looks so taken aback that Aubrey believes her when she says, "No."
"They are." Technically, Aubrey's dad is working hard to keep her safe. He's preventing people from going to the island. He's…keeping her brothers out of whatever trouble they managed to get themselves in… His presence has nothing to do with Aubrey.
"Do you want to see them?" Julia asks.
Aubrey wants them to want to see her. "I want to see Chloe." They've been standing in the hallway forever.
"Go ahead," Julia lets the topic go, and opens the door for her. "I need to talk to my husband for a second. Are you going to be okay?"
"Yes."
"Okay." Julia stops her before she can walk away, and presses a kiss to her temple. "We'll be back in a little while."
Beca is somewhere else, and Chloe's mom is leaving. Aubrey can feel her stomach turn a little. It's fine. They're fine. And Chloe is here. "Okay."
"Noah," Julia calls to her husband. She places her hand on Aubrey's back, and eases her gently into the room.
Aubrey turns and watches the door close behind them. She's not alone. She's fine.
xxxxx
Aubrey looked back and forth between the clock and her phone, trying to make a decision. It wasn't late enough that Aubrey would be concerned on a normal night. But this wasn't a normal night. Chloe had walked out and not returned, and she wasn't answering Aubrey's texts or calls. All Aubrey wanted to know was that she was okay. She needed to know she was okay.
Aubrey: Have you heard from Chloe?
It was definitely too late to be texting Chloe's mother, but what if something had happened to her?
Mrs. Beale: Is everything okay? Do I need to call her?
Aubrey could very well be overreacting. Asking Chloe's mom to check up on her could make this even worse. But she was worried.
Aubrey: I'm just not sure where she is.
Mrs. Beale: Let me call her.
Aubrey sat by the phone with bated breath – waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Chloe was probably telling her what had happened, if she had managed to get a hold of Chloe at all. Finally, she received a text back.
Mrs. Beale: Please, go pick her up and text me when you get her home. She sounds very drunk right now.
Aubrey looked at the address sent directly after. Of course, she was drunk. She was at a frat party. At least she knew where she was to tell her mom the address.
Aubrey: Does she know I'm coming?
Mrs. Beale: She does not.
That was probably for the best, so Chloe didn't try to up and leave.
Mrs. Beale: Thank you for looking out for her.
Aubrey's chest physically ached.
Aubrey: Any time.
