Mwallace: I am attacking you very specifically. You should feel personally attacked.
SunDanceQT: Happy to make you laugh.
J: I'm glad you're still reading.
Guest: Thank you.
Pixie1913: You'll just have to find out later.
Bechloe-bible-49: Your heart has a long half-life.
96itadakimasu96: Is it a non-fiction book? You didn't miss or forget anything.


Dysrhythmia


Like ships in the night,
You keep passing me by.
We're just wasting time,
Trying to prove who's right.
And if it all goes crashing into the sea,
If it's just you and me,
Trying to find the light,
Like ships in the night,
You're passing me by.
- Mat Kearney


Their 'break' was not quite what Aubrey had expected – mostly because it didn't feel like anything had changed. It was partially Aubrey's fault. She didn't push Chloe away hard enough. She had grown used to Chloe being all over her. She enjoyed Chloe being all over her. And, it was Chloe, so, it was hard to say no. But it was also Chloe's fault. Because even though Chloe was having sex with Tom, she still constantly wanted to be with Aubrey. And Aubrey would have just said fuck it, really, she would have, if the Xanax felt like it was working. But with the new A Capella season coming up, and everyone telling her she had made the Bellas the 'laughing stock of A Capella', everything felt out of her control, and she was constantly on edge – and every time Chloe tried to 'help' her, the guilt piled heavier and heavier, and her embarrassment dug deeper and deeper.

It felt like the entire world had seen her humiliate herself on that stage.

Even her father had seen it. Her brothers had showed him the video, and it sounded like he was having an aneurysm when he called her to tell her she was brought shame to the entire family.

She had one last chance to win.

If she won, and the whole world saw it, maybe he wouldn't see her as such a failure. He would see that she just kept pressing on.

That was only the very tip of the iceberg.

The very magnitude of it hit her one night, when she had woken up and then couldn't fall asleep again.

She was lying awake in bed, fiddling with her key necklace for comfort. She didn't wear it that often anymore, because on normal days it filled her mortification that she had asked a complete stranger to take her home. But, sometimes, on those rare occasions when she felt like she had already hit the very bottom, she put it on and tried to remember how giddy she had felt twirling her dress around so frivolously. It was pointless to try to imagine what life would have been like had she taken Aubrey home – but, had Aubrey's family left without her, she would have had to take her somewhere… Had Aubrey not been so god damn timely, life might not have been different, but it wouldn't have been the same either.

And now that woman, the whole reason she even knew what a Barden Bella was, had no doubt seen that video. How could she have not? And her daughter… It was a good thing her dream must have changed – or else Aubrey would have crushed it. That whole family would have been physically present to watch Aubrey crush their kid's dream. Now they could just watch it on YouTube and breathe a sigh of relief they weren't there.

xxxxx

"I'll be back in a little while, okay?" Julia drops her off at the door of her room with a gentle hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Try to rest, please, even if you're bored."

Aubrey nods in agreement to 'try'.

"And keep Beca out of trouble?"

Aubrey nods again with a bit more energy.

"And text me if you need anything. If you feel sick, or if anyone with a badge comes to bother you, or anything, and we'll come back."

Aubrey just looks at her. She knows that by now.

"Okay, we're just going to stop by a store or two, and then grab some food better than hospital food. Do you have anything specific you want?"

Aubrey doesn't want anything. But in five days, she can go back to New York if she eats, so… "Soup?" That sounds the least miserable to throw up.

"We'll find you some soup." Julia cups her face. "Be your well-behaved self and stay out of trouble, please. Maybe sleep some more?"

Aubrey isn't even tired. She's exhausted. And drained. But not in a way that can just be slept off. Before she can argue, she's being kissed on the forehead again then trying to calm herself internally as she watches Chloe's mom walk away. It's fine. She'll be back. She's coming back. It's ridiculous to feel fear whenever someone leaves her line of vision. It's stupid. She ignores the pathetic urge to call after her because she suddenly feels ill again, and lets herself into her room to 'rest'.

Beca glances up. "I thought you would be gone longer," she comments. She's just sitting on her cot, doing absolutely nothing in a way that makes Aubrey feel guilty for leaving her alone.

Aubrey can only look at Chloe like that for so long before it starts to sink in that Chloe may not be okay, and then she needs to leave. She sits down on the edge of her bed that faces Beca's cot, and tries to rehearse in her aching head what she wants to say. "Can I ask you something, Beca?"

Beca just looks at her, and Aubrey takes that as a cue to continue.

"Why haven't you gone to see her?"

"I don't know," Beca answers, "I guess I just don't want to see her like that."

Neither does Aubrey. "You think I do?"

"No, I just…"

Aubrey waits.

"I like feeling like it never happened," Beca says, "I like feeling like she's out there somewhere just fine."

"What if sh-" No. Aubrey can't think that way. Chloe isn't going to die. "She would want you there."

"You're seriously going to tell me you want me in that room with her," Beca says dubiously.

Aubrey shakes her head. "It's not about what I want. She could die, Beca." Chloe could die. "And you'll have to live with yourself, knowing you weren't there for her."

"I don't have to do anything."

"So, what, you'll just kill yourself?" Aubrey asks, "You'll just jump off a bridge, just like Luke?"

"That's not what I said, Aubrey."

"But that's what you're implying." Aubrey pulls her feet up onto the bed. Chloe will die. Then Beca. Then who else? "That's what you implied earlier, and that's what you're implying now."

"Who cares?" Beca asks, "Everybody I've ever loved is either dead or unconscious. There is nobody left. You have Chloe's parents and your weird friends. Who do I have? How am I even supposed to live a life after this?"

All of Aubrey's emotions are bubbling so close to the surface, she feels like an active volcano. Mt. Vesuvius would hold nothing on her if she exploded. So, she takes a deep breath to contain herself. "I'm still alive," she has to remind her. And Beca thinks she's the jerk.

Beca immediately looks guilty. "That's not-"

"…what you meant," Aubrey supplies.

"You don't have to act like you care. The only reason you care, is so you're not alone, Aubrey."

But, they just addressed that Aubrey would, in fact, not be alone. "I would still have Chloe's parents and my friends," she reminds her. Still, a deep, visceral fear eats away at her. Jesse already spent an entire week making Aubrey feel like she somehow killed everyone important to her, and now Beca wants her to feel, in part, responsible for her too? Because Beca thinks she doesn't care enough? "This is not my fault." She's not the reason why everyone is dead – and she's not the reason Beca wants to join them. The reason that she and Beca are the only ones left, while they wait for Chloe to be alright, is Jesse. "Or yours."

Beca opens her mouth like she has something to say, then stops herself.

"When I was outside on the porch with the gun, right after Chloe lost consciousness, you told me to give you my gun, because Chloe still needed me and I was acting like she was dead," Aubrey reminds her, "You don't have to do anything for me, but maybe you should take your own advice. Because Chloe is still alive, and she needs us now more than ever. And after everything we put into getting out of there alive, you're thinking about killing yourself and leaving us here." She swallows back tears. "If you want me to believe that we matter to you, or even that just Chloe matters to you, that you're not a flight risk, prove it."

Aubrey watches the energy fade out of her, and it makes her wonder if Beca really does feel nothing. Or if she's just trying to cover up that, like Aubrey, she's feeling too short on rest and too long in fear.

"Are you being nice to me?" Beca tries to change the subject.

"Stop quitting when things get hard."

Beca doesn't say anything to that.

"Go see her."

"I just need some time."

Beca has had enough time. She's been awake far longer than Aubrey has. "How much longer do you plan to wait?"

"I don't know. I don't know."

"It's not going to get any easier." It hasn't gotten easier for her, at least. She's only been in there a few times, and it gets harder each time. It gets harder to know Chloe hasn't woken up yet. It becomes more realistic that she might never…

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," Beca says.

Aubrey doesn't either. She made her point for now. She reaches down beside the bed and picks up the plastic bag for Beca. "I have something for you."

Beca looks at the bag, then after a moment asks, "Are you going to give it to me?"

Aubrey nods, but doesn't budge from the bed.

"You're going to make me come get it, aren't you?"

Aubrey nods again, and moves to give her room on the bed.

Beca is a little over the top with the dramatics as she pushes herself to her feet, then crosses the room to Aubrey. She flops down and fixes the blanket over them, then drops her hands in her lap. "I'm here."

Aubrey places the bag on her lap.

"Not gonna lie, I'm kind of scared to open anything that comes from you without Chloe to check that it isn't rigged to hurt me first," Beca says. She opens the bag, then her hands sort of just freeze in place for a second before slowly lowering the plastic. Her tone and body language become instantly less rigid. "I don't know what to say."

"I know it's not much," Aubrey says, watching her pick up the little portable radio and just throw the bag on the floor, causing Aubrey's nerves to fray a little bit more, "But-"

"Are you kidding? This is…"

Aubrey realizes that Beca's hands have gotten shakier, and she's tearing up.

Beca sniffles and tries to casually rub her nose with the back of her hands. "Thanks," she says.

"I asked Conrad to put batteries in it," Aubrey says, "So, it works."

Beca's fingers immediately go for the power button, and the most heavenly sound of static and some muffled talking fills the room. She lets out a sigh and rubs hard at her eyes with her thumb and forefinger before she starts turning the dial.

It doesn't matter what song or what artist is playing; the moment Beca finds a station with music, it's the best thing Aubrey has ever heard. She's never even listened to the song that Beca settles on. But that's okay. Because someone is singing, and it's beautiful. And, for the first time since she was home in Queens, she can close her eyes and breathe. And, judging by how Beca collapses back against the bed with her and lulls her head against Aubrey's head by accident (or, at least Aubrey assumes it's by accident), so can she.

xxxxx

Aubrey couldn't sleep after the realization of exactly how badly she had humiliated herself sunk in – not that night or any other night, for that matter. It felt like endless nights of being in a fog, and mornings that made her feel hungover even though she hadn't had a drop to drink. She started waking up with migraines that left her as nauseated as her anxiety did – and she finally had to tell Chloe, because after a few mornings of holding Aubrey's hair back, she legitimately thought Aubrey might be pregnant. Aubrey assured her, that, no, she was not pregnant, and how dare she assume that. Then she panicked and secretly took a test, because, okay, maybe when she had finally retrieved her jacket from Howie's, things had happened. She would fucking kill him if she was pregnant. Fortunately for them both, he got to keep his penis attached. She was just tired, and her head really hurt.

So, Aubrey started taking Melatonin to sleep at night.

Which probably would have worked had Chloe been able to sleep too.

But Chloe started having trouble sleeping a few weeks before school was set to let out for the summer, so, Aubrey's restful nights were…short-lived, to say the least. It wasn't Chloe's fault though. They both had a lot on their plates with their junior year ending. Chloe fell back to sleep easily, however, Aubrey did not.

xxxxx

"I can't believe I'm lying in bed with you, singing Adele," Beca says, "I thought I had already hit rock bottom."

Aubrey maneuvers herself onto her side, her cast preventing her from being pressed up against Beca. "I set fire to the rain," she sings along more intently, "Watched it pour as I touched your face."

Beca laughs and tries to scoot away from her without falling off the bed. "What does that even mean?"

"I have no idea," Aubrey admits, "I assumed you would know."

"Why would I know?" Beca asks.

"Because this is your kind of music."

"Adele?" Beca asks, "You're the one singing along."

"Like you weren't singing too."

"Okay, but only because there was a point where literally every song on the radio was Adele," Beca defends herself.

"So, you don't lie naked in your room at night, singing Adele to your twenty-seven cats?" Aubrey asks, remembering a Facebook page Chloe has followed.

"That was really specific," Beca says, "And, no."

Aubrey smirks. "Are you sure?"

Beca turns her head to look at her with raised eyebrows, their faces centimeters apart. "I think I would know if I was naked, singing Adele, and had twenty-seven cats, especially all at once. That sounds like something of nightmares. Like, instead of those dreams where I show up to work naked, I show up in a concert hall where all the audience are cats."

"Or the Cats cast members." Aubrey giggles.

Beca breathes a laugh. "No," she mouths, "Is that what you have nightmares about?"

Aubrey's smile falters a bit, but she catches herself. "No, but one time, I dreamt I showed up naked to church choir, and they made me wear fig leaves and sing Highway to Hell in front of the whole congregation. It was traumatizing."

Beca looks amused. "That would have made one hell of a Bellas solo. You would have totally won without me."

Aubrey knees her, because she's laying on her arm and can't smack her.

"You should sing it right now," Beca suggests.

"No."

"I bet we can find it on the radio." Beca starts turning the dial.

"Beca!" Aubrey struggles to get up and get the radio away from her – kind of just accidentally, awkwardly rolling on top of her and the radio. "Give it to me."

"You gave it to me. No backsies."

No backsies. "How old are you? Five?"

"I am at least eight. Are you going to get off of me?"

"Give me the radio."

"I'm on the Highway to Hell," Beca mocks her, grinning.

"You're about to be on a highway to somewhere worse than Hell," Aubrey warns her. They're pressed very close, and it's both warming Aubrey up and making her feel more on edge. She's practically on top of Beca, and it's not entirely unenjoyable.

"Wyoming?"

Aubrey furrows her brows.

"They're all super Republican." Beca looks up at her. "Super anti-gay," she whispers.

Aubrey tilts her head. What does that have to do with anything? "You're not gay."

"I've literally had sex with you."

Right. She had sex with her, and then told everyone she sucked at it. So, Beca is what? Semi-gay? Is that a thing? Bisexual? Whatever. Aubrey doesn't care. "Sorry. I guess it was not that memorable."

Beca scoffs, but she's still smiling.

"You deserved that after what you said about me." Aubrey adjusts herself into a more comfortable position where the radio dial isn't digging into her stomach.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Beca lies, "You know you're still on top of me, right?"

Is she?

"Your cast is crushing all of my internal organs."

"Good." Aubrey looks proud of herself.

Beca smiles and just nods at her words.

The silence they fall into isn't as awkward as Aubrey thinks it should be. Maybe she's just too caught up in how warm Beca feels to fully think about it. She stays where she is, absently fiddling with the shoulder of Beca's shirt. At this point, she'd stay in any position where her body isn't in excruciating pain and she doesn't feel on the immediate verge of vomiting.

"Okay, we gotta…" Beca raises the bed before Aubrey can ask her not to – but, it still feels okay, because she can slide off to the side and get comfortable without using just her arm to support her weight.

Aubrey turns so only her legs are draped over Beca, and she's curled into her side. It's actually more comfortable that way, and she's not 'crushing' Beca. She breathes a tiny sigh of being able to tolerate how her body feels. "Can I help you?" she asks when she realizes Beca is staring at her with an odd expression.

"I still don't understand how you can set fire to the rain," Beca says.

"I'm sure it's metaphorical, Beca."

Beca shakes her head. "No."

"So, you think she's talking about standing outside in the rain with a lighter?" Aubrey asks.

"I think she's a dragon."

Aubrey has no response to that.

"That's how she could throw herself into the flames too."

"So, why is she touching his face?" Aubrey asks curiously.

"It's more of a 'there, there'," Beca says, and pats Aubrey's cheek.

Aubrey swats her away.

"The whole song is about her being a dragon falling in love with a knight, and then realizing he's out to slay her and take her treasure, so she gets revenge."

"You're stupid," Aubrey informs her.

"You interpret it then."

Aubrey looks at her, and tries to think.

"Exactly." Beca pats Aubrey's cheek again. "There, there."

"You didn't give me time to think." Aubrey accidentally knocks their heads together, trying to escape Beca's hand. "Ow, Beca."

"I did not do that."

"You're the one touching me."

"You're literally on top of me, and you're telling me to keep my hands to myself."

Aubrey flushes a little at her choice of words. "It's a small bed, and you're very warm," she admits.

"Am I?"

Aubrey nods.

Beca locks eyes with her, her gaze semi-amused, but with a sadness that remains stagnant regardless – just the same as Aubrey's. And, maybe Aubrey just wants to feel something else, or maybe she hopes they can cancel each other out – she's not really sure what possesses her to do it, but she leans farther into the warmth, and presses her lips to Beca's with a softness she didn't know she was capable of.

Beca kisses her back just as delicately – like if she's too presumptuous, Aubrey might shatter like glass on top of her. And, honestly, Aubrey might. She slides her hand up under the back of Aubrey's dress until it's resting against her bare skin on the small of her back, then, from there, her body stills. Instead of the usual power struggle, she allows Aubrey to take the lead, and focuses on reciprocating.

It feels wrong. Not because she's engaged to Chloe – if anything, Chloe will be jealous she wasn't conscious to join them when she wakes up. But because seeking physical intimacy for the stress relief of it always feels wrong. She doesn't seem to be the only one getting something out of this though. Beca is breathing hard when Aubrey pulls away for air. "I'm sorry," she whispers against Beca's lips.

"My hand is basically on your ass right now," Beca says bluntly, "I don't think you need to apologize."

Aubrey slowly adjusts herself back against the bed, not quite breaking away completely. She is still cold, and Beca is still the equivalent of a furnace on a cold winter morning. It's not the same kind of warm Chloe is though. Chloe would have had her wrapped up in her arms by now, trying to melt her like a stubborn ice cube in the sun. She feels like she's doomed to never know what it's like to actually feel warm again – on the outside or on the inside.

Beca moves her hand from Aubrey's back, and picks up the radio again. "Hey, Aubrey," she says, turning the dial to find another song.

Aubrey looks at her.

"You may drive me absolutely crazy – scratch that, you do drive me fucking crazy…"

Aubrey frowns.

"But if they did decide to keep you here, for some reason, I'd feed them some bullshit story, and go with you." Beca doesn't hesitate to continue. "But I still don't think they're going to commit you."

Aubrey needs a moment to process what she's saying.

"But only so you wouldn't have to be alone," Beca covers for herself.

"Uh huh. Not so you wouldn't have to be alone?"

Beca shakes her head.

"Mhm," Aubrey hums sarcastically.

"Oh, here we go," Beca says, finding another song, "So, hello from other side. I must have called a thousand times to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done, but when I call you never seem to be home."

"Okay, we're done with Adele." Aubrey tries to take the radio, but Beca holds it out of her reach, and her singing becomes a loud paroxysm far too vehement for Aubrey not to be overcome with second-hand embarrassment.

"Hello from the outside! At least, I can say that I tried to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart! But it don't matter; it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore. Aubrey, sing. Oooh. Anymore…"

"I just want you to know, that if they commit you here, you're on your own."

xxxxx

"Chloe," Aubrey whispered, shaking her side, "It's okay. Wake up."

Chloe's eyes flew open, and she clamored up to a sitting position, looking around their dimly lit bedroom in teary eyed confusion.

"You were dreaming." Aubrey rubbed her back. Chloe hadn't just been dreaming though; she had been whimpering and shifting all around – again. It wasn't happening every night, but two or three times a week was equally as worrisome. "Are you okay?"

Chloe rubbed her face, dazed for a few more moments, before nodding her response.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Chloe shook her head. She never did. She wiped her face and slowly lowered herself back down onto the bed, then wrapped herself up in the blankets as she rolled onto her side with her back to Aubrey.

Honestly, Aubrey couldn't even remember Chloe crawling into bed with her again. She curled back up with her, wrapping an arm around her when Chloe scooted back against her. It was rare that she was the one wrapped around Chloe. Usually, Chloe holding her before she could even had the option. She liked being able to bury her face in Chloe's hair. It was always soft and smelled so good. She was going to miss it over the summer, when Chloe went home to Florida. Aubrey had opted to stay behind and get ready for the new A Capella season.

Three months without Chloe.

She was going to miss a lot of things.