Stay
Chapter 20
A/N: Thank you so much for your comments and follows! I really appreciate all of you! Please feel free to drop a comment and let me know what you like about this story or any other thoughts you may have. If you would like to connect via social media, my Instagram/twitter is faceinbud.
Here is Chapter 20. Thank you so much for those who've commented and followed, left kudos, and read. I would love to hear from more of you about your thoughts on the story. I always taken reviews/comments into account when I write.
Trigger warning for courtroom testimony as well as other mentions/descriptions of rape against a child.
I need to add both a disclaimer that I do not own SVU or its characters and a trigger warning for SVU-related topics. I will try to be more specific when necessary.
Only a few minutes before Alex was to present the boys as witnesses before the grand jury, she sat in her office with Olivia across from her, frantically reading and rereading over the statements the boys were going to give in response to the questions she had planned to ask. This was not her first indictment hearing, but—by far—it was the hardest prep she'd ever done. She'd already explained the relevant statute to the men and women in the creaky wooden chairs, and she'd shown them what remained of the three security tapes. They were on lunch, and the boys were on their way.
She took off her glasses when she noticed her eyes burning, probably long after the symptom had actually begun, and rubbed at them with shaky hands, sighing heavily as Liv studied her intently. "Do you need anything before you go?" the detective asked softly, tipping her head to the side in concern.
Alex gave her a half-hearted smirk, resting her fingers over the other woman's outstretched hand. "Is that your way of asking me to talk to you?"
"I just don't want you to take whatever this is—" she gestured vaguely with her hand, indicating Alex's mind "—into the grand jury. You haven't slept, and you're stewing in something."
The ADA nodded, her eyes downcast, hovering over the words "helpless", "alone", and "ashamed", each boy's descriptor of how D'Agostino's assault had made them feel. "Guilt."
Benson hummed sadly. "Why guilt?"
"It seems like guilt is a common theme in my life." She laughed once mirthlessly, deciding that she was as prepared for these three testimonies as she was ever going to be, and as long as Olivia was offering support, she might as well take it. "The worst part of prepping the boys was telling them that they couldn't talk to each other about the case. They've been leaning on each other, and I took their support away."
"It's only for a couple months," the brunette calmly tried to soothe her girlfriend, whose eyes had yet to leave the word "alone". Alex had been alone for—first she considered it to be seventeen years, the time in between Pastor Paul's assault and when she'd begun dating Olivia. But the younger woman really had never possessed meaningful relationships with anyone at all. She was a nerd. And dirty—literally and figuratively. She climbed trees as a child until at the tender age of seven, the elder Cabots forced her to be more ladylike. She wasn't ever popular at school or within her parents' circle of friends and their kids. It hadn't been seventeen years of loneliness after all. In actuality, it had been twenty-eight years of loneliness. Liv's gentle voice pulled her out of the tornado of thoughts she'd been sucked into. "And you didn't hear me say this, but I doubt these boys are going to refrain from discussing the case."
So either the boys suffered alone for several more months or Alex dove headfirst towards a mistrial, at the very least. "You're right. I didn't hear you say that." She looked at her watch. "I have to go. The boys should have arrived. I'm hoping it won't take long. Do you want to wait here?"
"Sure. You gonna be okay, babe?"
"I'll survive," she sighed, standing up and collecting her things. "I always do, right?"
When she found the three boys, they'd arrived with three chaperones—Elliot sat with Bryson at one end of the room, Munch sat with Dominic at the other, and Fin was on his knees in front of Tommy, who appeared to be crying. The prosecutor approached that duo first, intentionally softening her voice. "What's going on?"
Fin spoke first. "Little dude's afraid to testify. He feels bad about getting his priest in trouble, and he's just scared about the whole thing," the detective explained to the ADA as the child frantically wiped tears from his cheeks.
"Is that true?" Alex asked kindly, squatting to be at eye level with the boy as Fin stood up.
He sniffed. "It's just really embarrassing."
"I know it's not easy, Tommy," Alex empathized, the very idea of being in his shoes instantly overwhelming and nearly panic inducing. "But you just take it one word at a time. One word at a time. I'm going to lead you through your testimony. All you have to do is answer my questions honestly." He nodded, trying to psych himself up as Fin handed him a tissue. "Do you want to go first so Detective Tutuola can take you home?"
Tommy blew his nose. "Yes, please."
The cop tapped her shoulder, encouraging her to stand up, and then he spoke softly only to Alex. "Weren't you planning on taking Bryson's testimony first?"
"I was," Cabot acknowledged, "but I think with this case, 'Flexible' is going to have to be my new middle name." She turned once again to the young boy. "You ready to come with me?"
"I…I think so," he stammered.
"You're going to be okay. I promise you that, Tommy. It just takes time."
He smiled bravely, and then he followed Alex into the grand jury room.
She quickly relaxed into the flow of her questions and Tommy's words, letting him expand on certain points and gloss over others in attempt to achieve the kind of balance that would have the two dozen New Yorkers return an indictment without retraumatizing the child more than was necessary.
Just like when Liv had first told her of her mother's rape, the boy's words faded in and out for Alex, and she absorbed just enough to follow the testimony and be actively involved as she carefully asked questions, and it came as no surprise to her that the phrases she was drawn to held a special significance for her.
"…I was in trouble. I deserved it…"
"…He said I was growing up."
"…He wasn't gentle. It kinda hurt…"
"…He said we were in God's house…"
"…I'd heard rumors before, but I didn't think it would happen to me…"
"Like baptism," he'd concluded.
When Tommy had completed his testimony, Alex gratefully brought him to Fin, and he was proud of himself, something the lawyer eagerly pointed out to him. She took a deep breath as they left, calling Bryson into the courtroom.
"Bryson, can you tell us what happened the night of October 2nd?"
And so it began. Alex's attempts to stay fully in the present were thwarted by her drill sergeant's—once again unhelpful—decision to keep her in the past.
"…I was so scared. I thought he was gonna…"
"…I told my mom, and she wasn't sure what to think…"
"…I'm not gay. I'm not…"
"…He told me that…what happened…that it was like being reborn…"
And then there was Dominic, the small Italian American boy who saw testifying as a sacred duty and listened so intently to Alex's questions that the blonde thought maybe he could see right through her. What was the saying? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." That was certainly true in Dominic's case. But for Alex—well, she'd concluded that what doesn't kill you simply doesn't kill you.
"…Tommy told me first. But I didn't believe him until…"
"…I confessed my sins, but Father didn't think it was enough…"
"…He smiled when I…I can't. I'm sorry…"
"He said it was like baptism." Dominic cleared his throat as Alex nodded for him to continue. "That I'd been saved from my sins and reborn. I was pretty sure I was dying."
The attorney thanked the boy afterwards and led him out to Elliot, and the grand jury was left to deliberate. She considered going back to her office, finding Olivia and burying herself in the older woman's arms, but she couldn't afford to fall apart yet, so she just sat on the first chair she saw, her leg bouncing up and down anxiously.
They were starting therapy in only a week. There was a light at the end of the dark tunnel—or, more accurately, the ten dark tunnels that she was walking through all at once.
She needed to get this true bill, and then she could stop thinking about the case for at least a few days before Kressler would likely file a motion to dismiss. His Halloween prediction hadn't hit yet, so maybe he'd let it go and decide that trying the case was a good idea. Alex questioned her usually keen ability to predict her opponent's next move.
If she could get through this indictment, she'd have time to obtain the strength and tools she'd need to make it through the trial. And if the grand jury did vote to charge D'Agostino with sex abuse one, then Kressler probably wouldn't have grounds to request a dismissal based on lack of evidence.
One foot in front of the other. It was as she'd told Tommy—one word at a time. One moment at a time. One tap of her heel against the linoleum flooring at a time. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Her pager vibrated.
She dragged herself back to her office a few minutes later, opening the door slowly to find Olivia waiting for her. "And?" she asked expectantly, gauging the expression on the tired woman's face.
"I got a true bill." Her words escaped her in an absent daze, and she dropped her briefcase onto the floor. Though her conscious thoughts had been fixed on a victory, deep inside her, she really expected the grand jury to return no true bill.
"That's amazing, baby." Liv stood up and waited for the younger woman to meet her eyes before offering her arms out to her. "Congratulations."
The thought of this moment had gotten Alex through the hard ones, and she immediately stepped into Olivia's embrace, a wave of terror crashing through her before she realized that the brunette had closed all the blinds in advance of their reconnection, as she had wanted this to be a possibility for them, regardless of the outcome.
"It was almost unanimous, Liv," she murmured into the detective's shirt, breathing in her shampoo.
"So, it was an easy indictment, huh?"
She pulled away slightly before answering. "Easier than I expected. But without cross, I'm still worried about how a jury will respond." The lawyer sat down in her chair, organizing her paperwork and then planning in her mind what she needed to do next.
They sat in silence for a little while as Olivia watched her girlfriend work. But eventually, she stopped moving, and the somewhat faraway look returned to her crystal blues. "What's going on in your mind?"
Alex sighed, tears fighting to escape her lower eyelids. "Those grand jury testimonies. All at once. One at a time. The whole thing. Just phrases." Olivia nodded for her to continue the same way the ADA had done for the three boys as they spoke to the grand jury. "You know, they were brave enough to voice their assaults out loud, but the thoughts...those were my thoughts. The fear...the," her voice broke as she continued fidgeting, "'is this really happening?' And then you realize that yes, it is really happening, and there's nothing you can do. And then, and then you think 'well, this must be okay because he's a man of God.' And—" She inhaled deeply, forcing her watery eyes to meet Liv's loving orbs. She reached out for her anchor, for Liv's tender touch, casting away her drill sergeant once more and planting her feet firmly onto the floor. "—and you don't remember being told that God's love was going to hurt so much."
Olivia's heart sank into her stomach, and she gripped onto the love of her life's hand more firmly than she ever had before, new red-hot fury blazing within her. Once again, Alex hadn't necessarily shared more about her abuse, but she had confirmed what the brunette was already nearly certain of. Being uncertain was Liv's only saving grace, and she didn't have that anymore. But the woman who now used her free hand to rid her face of tears deserved her love—yes, even more than Pastor Paul deserved her hatred. "Can you tell me more, sweetheart?" she asked, concealing a grimace.
Alex shook her head, wanting to comfort the other woman with another squeeze to her hand. Neither of them wanted to hurt the other, but they were sailing into stormy waters. "I don't want to cry in my office, Liv."
"Okay. Then I'll take you away from here. It's been a while, and we haven't started therapy yet. You need to vent, yeah?"
Cabot blew out a puff of air, realizing that word vomit was lurking in the back of her throat. "Yeah."
"Okay, come on, baby." Olivia stood up, reaching for Alex's hand as she went to open the door to her office.
The blonde hesitated. "I'm sorry, honey. I...can't let the people in this office see you comforting me, or...leading me outside. I'm just not...I'm not ashamed of you, I promise." It was just too much all at once.
The older of the two nodded with a soft smile, dropping her hand and taking a step away from her. "It's okay, sweetie. The last thing I want to do is make you more anxious."
They walked side by side towards Liv's car, and once the cop had pulled out of the parking lot, it occurred to her that the other woman may be more comfortable talking to her if eye contact wasn't expected, so she kept her eyes on the road, opting to continue their conversation sooner rather than later. "What do you want to tell me?"
"I guess I could tell you what happened...with Pastor Paul." Both of her knees rose and fell rapidly as she spoke, and she winced when one of them collided with the dashboard of Olivia's car. "I remember the details, but I've never really processed them."
Benson furrowed her brow, not expecting Alex to voluntarily offer up such information. "Do you want to do that?"
"No, I..." the prosecutor shook her head, changing her mind as quickly as she'd originally made it up. "You don't want to hear the details."
"I want to hear whatever you want to tell me, sweetie, remember?"
"I don't want to tell you." Why'd she even bring it up in the first place? Human Alex was a glutton for punishment. "I just...can't."
"Okay, that's fine, baby," the brunette assured her quickly, wanting to find a topic while the other woman still seemed willing to share. "What do you want to talk about?"
"I wanted to vent, and I think I need to. But I'm just not sure I can right now."
"Okay, well," Olivia proposed, chancing a look towards Alex when she reached a stop light, "I'm going to finish driving us to my apartment. We can just sit quietly together if that's what you want. But I'm here. And you're safe. You don't have to do anything for the rest of the day but take care of yourself, alright, love?"
Alex bobbed her head up and down, absorbing the SVU detective's words. "Okay, sweetie. I'm…feeling better. I just…haven't heard so much in depth testimony in so little time in quite a while, and on top of everything else going on—sometimes I just shut down."
"That's a—"
"—protective mechanism, I know. I'm getting better at it, but sometimes the only way for me to shut off my drill sergeant is to shut off everything."
"That's understandable, Al. And it won't be this way forever. You're going to be okay."
"That's what I told Tommy," the younger woman said to Olivia, studying her soft features as she thought.
"It's true, you know," she pointed out. "It's so hard to see the way out when you're in the darkness, but there is life beyond survival, my love. And I will walk with you through the dark until you get there."
Alex offered her girlfriend a grateful squeeze of the hand, and then she kept their fingers intertwined and resting on her own thigh. She wasn't floating away from Olivia in this storm. She was anchored. "I'm just not sure how I feel about all this. If the indictment was so easy, am I overestimating how difficult a conviction will be?"
"Have you talked to Liz about this case?" Benson inquired, hoping the Bureau Chief had something helpful to say to the young ADA she'd thrown dismissively into SVU at the earliest possible moment.
"Yeah."
"And what does she think?"
"She wants me to do what I think is right." Donnelly vacillated between giving ADA Cabot direct orders and asking her to make her own prosecutorial decisions, and the blonde often felt like she was getting whiplash. "Problem is, I don't know what I think is right. The burden for sex abuse one is hard to meet, but I know sex abuse three would be a joke. Maximum of three months? These boys are going to be living with what that monster did to them for the rest of their lives. I don't know what to do. I got the indictment—does that mean move forward with trial preparations?"
"Just listen to your heart," Olivia suggested in proper Detective Benson fashion, pulling into a parking space at the apartment complex.
"Don't you think that could be problematic?" Alex asked, her father's mantra of "stick to the facts" weighing heavily on her mind.
The brunette put her car in park, turning to the other woman and bringing their joined hands to rest over the left side of the attorney's chest. "I think your heart led you to stay in SVU. To some extent, you should let it lead you through SVU as well."
A/N: Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment and let me know what you think. Stay safe!