The Last Time Meowser_Clancy

This is published as its own work on ao3.

Summary:

The last time Katie felt like Ned wasn't there for her.

Notes: For msmadeline_clancy.

Apparently when someone breaks up with you then everything afterwards is just a little tainted. There are pieces of him everywhere in this work because unless I included him I couldn't even write.

Mariah. I love you. This is for you and I'm sorry it isn't what it should be.

He was late.

Katie put the dishes on the table, resisting the urge to slam them down.

He was late again and, again, he'd neglected to make her aware of this fact.

She bit her lip, staring at the messy kitchen behind her.

She could remember days just months or weeks ago where he'd already be home. Where they would have made that mess together, getting pasta sauce on the stove because Ned always wanted to taste what was in the pot.

Where she'd somehow end up with some on her chest and he'd just look at her before lowering his mouth to whatever lucky spot had been splattered with the tomato or alfredo sauce.

Her heart ached.

She didn't know where he was.

She knew where he was, logically. He was at the police station, or he was in a patrol car, or he was at someone's house telling them that their loved one was dead.

Okay. Scratch that last one. Ned didn't do that.

Hell. Katie did that one more than Ned did.

She moved to grab a dish cloth, getting it hot and running it over the counters, using a cleaning spray for the tougher spots.

Her mind wandered back to a beautiful time, to her asking him to look at the dryer because it wasn't working and she didn't want to buy a new one. They'd lucked out with this one; Delia and Tim were upgrading theirs and Katie and Ned had gleefully claimed the (admittedly) very old model his mom had been working with til then.

"I don't want to call a repairman," Katie told him. "Just take a look."

Ned had willingly gone to look, fiddled around for a few minutes, even took off the back of the machine, but ended up shaking his head. "I don't see what's wrong with it," he said.

Katie was leaning against the kitchen counter, pouting, her brow pulled together with stress.

"Oh, Katie," he breathed. "This isn't that big of a problem."

With that he walked over and lifted her onto the counter, hands firm at her waist, spread her legs and stepped between them.

And then he'd kissed her. They'd kissed for moments or hours. They'd finished a leftover cheesecake and kissed with the cheesecake in between their lips. He'd purposefully smeared the cream on her lips and licked them off. She'd done the same to him.

They'd gotten it all over. They'd gone to the couch and continued to kiss, until their breathing was shaky and they couldn't think straight.

That hadn't happened much lately.

Katie felt her heart twinge, looking at the kitchen which she'd cleaned entirely in the moments she'd been out of it, lost in the past.

The afternoon sunlight was shining through the windows, lighting up the kitchen. Katie put down the cloth and headed for the table, giving up on him being there to eat with.

She sat down and served herself pasta; added sauce to the top and then scooped up some meatballs.

The garlic bread was still warming in the oven. Katie took one bite and recognized a truth she'd been dismissing before.

She wasn't hungry. The food was a lump in her mouth and it seemed to take hours to chew the one bite she'd lifted to her lips.

She'd never felt like this before. Never so alone or adrift.

Never so depressed. She'd never not been able to eat. Katie loved food.

But right now.

She dropped her fork, massaged her temples with her fingertips, tried to make the anxiety and the pain go away. Tried to forget all of her worries and wonders.

What if Ned…was still Ned?

What if he hadn't actually changed? What if he did love her, but what if another girl came into his life? What if a buxom blonde slunk her way back over, and Ned was just too…Ned to resist. What if he was there, right now, just pounding into another woman, and what if that was why he didn't come home to her anymore?

The rational part of Katie said that that wasn't true. That Ned wouldn't cheat on her.

The rational part of Katie also said that the blonde, however, might exist. That Ned wouldn't cheat on her but neither would he stick around.

After all, it had only been seven months. She'd given him chocolate for it, for the day that marked seven months that they'd been together. She'd even given him a card, something she'd grabbed off the shelf and hurriedly scribbled something into it.

He'd been at a loss. Which was weird because they'd often given each other gifts like that before, randomly or for a real event.

And he'd been grateful. He'd shown off the chocolate box for her to take a picture. He'd looked at the card and not opened it. Said he'd look at it later. Then he'd turned to her and kissed her.

They'd kissed.

Katie jerked out of her reverie to hear the key in the door.

And suddenly, Ned was home.

And she knew it wasn't, perhaps, healthy. She knew that she should be able to make her own happiness but for right now, she was just too tired.

And she didn't think that it would ever change for her, the way that Ned lit up any room he walked into.

Life was brighter. It was like she was in The Wizard of Oz and she'd finally reached Oz. Like the house had landed and she'd stumbled from a world of sepia to a brilliant world of Technicolor.

The hurt faded away. Everything faded away and didn't matter, for a minute, because Ned was there. Because he was there, and he was tall. Because his blond hair was so adorably tousled. Because of how good it felt that she was the one he came home to. Because he was putting his keys on the hook by the door, because he was taking off his coat, because he was walking towards her, because he was grasping her face in his hands and bending down and kissing her.

Because their lips were touching and she couldn't imagine a better feeling than this. Because she could reach out and up and he was there. Because she could touch him. After years and years of longing for this, she could touch him. Touch his shoulders. Caress down his arms. Pull his tongue into her mouth. Slowly arch up off of the chair and wrap her arms tightly around his neck. Feel him adjust and then straighten so she had no choice but to come with him, wrapping her legs around his waist, feeling him all around her. Feeling her body glue itself to his.

Feeling. Just feeling.

Feeling safe and like she belonged. Feeling beautiful and desired. Feeling like all of the pain in this life had been worth it because it brought her to him, to this moment, to this one tiny sliver of perfection.

And then the pain returned. He pulled away, slowly letting her slide back to the ground. He smiled at her. "Hey."

And no explanation. No "I was caught doing the Roberts case and blah blah murder robbers".

Nothing.

"I'm going to go change, dinner looks great," he said.

And she sank back into the chair, feeling lost and wondering what had just happened.

What had just happened?

An objective viewer of the scene would see it as typical. Ned came home, he kissed Katie, his girlfriend, the woman he loved, he complimented the dinner that she'd prepared, he'd gone to change his clothes.

Katie let those thoughts sink in as Ned walked back in, now clothed in sweats and a t shirt. He leaned to kiss her cheek. "Sorry I was late, babe, just caught at work."

She felt the scene play out as though through a different person, as though she was observing this and not living it. "It's fine," she said. "I figured. I thought you would have texted though."

"LeTrai was on my back all day, I had to seem focused," he said. A naughty grin tugged at his lips. "Even though the whole time he was lecturing my mind was in an entirely different place."

"What kind of different place?"

"The place where you're naked and waiting for me," he said. His eyes met hers, so cold and blue. "The usual one."

She laughed, and it was painful. It was painful to pretend that everything was fine. It was painful to keep up this charade and act like nothing was bothering her.

But nothing should be bothering her. Nothing had happened. Therefore. She should be fine.

She should be fine.

She wasn't fine.

She wasn't fine.

The words echoed throughout her brain.

"Hey."

Ned glanced up. "Yeah?"

"I want to talk about something."

He chewed a meatball. "Anything."

"I feel like you've…"

He raised an eyebrow, just waiting.

"Not been home lately…not much…um…not as much as you used to."

The words weren't coming easily. She wasn't sure if that sentence was what she really meant.

"I'm sorry, work has been crazy," he said.

"No, but that's not what I mean. I know work is crazy. Work is always crazy and work being crazy I can understand. It's more that when…you're…home…"

God. This was hard.

"It feels like you aren't here."

She finished.

He quirked an eyebrow. "Um, not sure what you mean."

"It's like we're two ships in the night," Katie tried. "No, it's not. That implies that we're missing each other but we aren't. You're here. I'm here. But we aren't together. You aren't letting me in anymore, Ned. Not really. Not lately. Not like you should be. I've told you about my day every night this past week and you just listen and then we watch a movie. You don't join in. We don't snuggle. You don't want to have sex."

She threw up her hands. "My god in heaven, Ned, you haven't initiated sex in weeks and I'm going crazy trying to figure out why. I don't know if there's another woman or if, even worse, there isn't. There isn't another woman, you're just sick of me for my sake and not because you found someone better."

And she was done. All words were out. She didn't know what else to say.

Tears were dripping down her face but she wasn't crying. They were just there. Overflowing her abilities to stop them.

And Ned was standing up, coming over, and he was wrapping his arms around her. "Oh my god, Katie. I am so sorry."

And breathing.

She felt her breath start to even out. Ned was there. Standing there. Holding her. Not letting go.

Some of the fear began to dissipate.

"I admit," he began. "I've been stressed lately. The dryer broke and I don't want to pay for another one, but the Laundromat isn't an option and doing it at your parents isn't a permanent solution. And I just felt like we moved too fast and not that this isn't where I want to be, because this is what I want, you are what I want, I just felt scared." He was quiet for a minute. "I was scared that I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't making enough at work to afford something stupid like a dryer and that you deserved better and I don't know, Katie. I felt like shit and I didn't feel…I don't know…good enough to have sex with you. It was stupid."

"But it wasn't stupid," she whispered. "It was real and it was painful."

Ned slowly nodded. "Yeah. I guess so."

She leaned into him, feeling the breath start to come back.

"Come here," she whispered again. Their lips met and Katie let Ned take control, meeting each stroke with one of her own, but letting him lead.

"I love you," she told him. "Always and forever and who cares about good enough? I'll never be good enough for you and you'll never be good enough for me, but the thing is, we're also way out of each others' leagues."

He laughed. "I do want to be here," he whispered. "All I want is you."

"And you have me," Katie said. "That's kind of what I was trying to say tonight. You have me and I felt like you weren't acting like it. You were acting like you were alone."

Words faded. They started to kiss in earnest now, and Ned was again lifting her off the chair. She thought he'd head for the bedroom, but instead he walked her to the kitchen, placed her on the counter and spread her legs.

Her panties were moved aside, and his pants were undone, and he was kissing her neck, breath hot on her earlobe. "Are you ready for me?" He whispered in her ear, sliding a finger deep into her slick folds, making her breath catch.

"Umm, yes," she breathed. "Please."

He was dragging down the straps of her dress, and he was shoving her bra aside, and he was taking one nipple into his mouth.

And then he entered her. Almost without warning. Suddenly he was inside her and Katie felt her body shift to adjust to him, and she felt happy, she felt good, she felt like a couple again, a united front. A unit.

Two.

She felt like two.

She felt like two becoming one.

And she didn't feel alone.