Ends never it...
PROLOGUE
TAKE YOUR TIME! I CAN WAIT!
{Once… Once upon a time…?}
...TO BE CONTINUED…
Miraculous Migraine
Episode 15: Blue Chicken Waifu
By: I Write Big
No time has passed since the last chapter and yet, to Ladybug, it felt as if an entire week had gone by since Chloe Bourgeois bolted towards her death.
"CHLOE!" Chat Noir screamed his head off. Ladybug lassoed him before he could chase after her.
"Keep your pointy ears on," she said. "I want to see where she's going with this."
"WHERE SHE'S GOING? SHE'S GOING TO DIE!"
"Exactly." Ladybug leaned over the roof's edge hungrily.
On the Eiffel Tower, Scarlet Moth stared at the lone charging attacker, not entirely sure what the girl thought she was doing.
"...Okay..." he muttered.
He sent a wave of red butterflies. The insects washed over Chloe but not a single one shattered. Chloe kept charging.
"Okay," he said, a little more worried.
He snapped his fingers and Dark Cupid shot an arrow.
KTHWIP!
The black rose of anti-love hit Chloe square in the chest but her lips didn't turn black. Chloe kept charging.
"OKAY!" Scarlet Moth shouted, now in full panic mode. "SOMEBODY STOP HER!"
The entire Akuma army readied themselves! Stormy Weather conjured a lightning storm! Pharoah summoned the wings of Horus! The Mime loaded his invisible machine gun! Chloe charged past all of them! Princess Fragrance cocked her perfume blaster! Riposte brandished her hand-blade—WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK!
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Scarlet Moth roared as Chloe jumped into the elevator and began to rise towards him.
"Holy crap, she's actually gonna do it," Ladybug said.
"We have to cover her!" Chat Noir screamed.
"Do we though?"
"YES!" Chat Noir finally wriggled out of the yo-yo string and leaped into the army. Rena Rouge and Carapace were close behind.
"Fine," Ladybug sighed and followed.
Scarlet Moth could do nothing as the heroes distracted his soldiers while the elevator crawled ever closer. Every arrow and magical blast and mimed bullet was either blocked or redirected from stopping Chloe's approach. He shouldn't have been scared. He wasn't scared. There was no reason to be scared. This wasn't Anti-Bug or Queen Wasp. This was Chloe. This was just an average girl with abandonment issues. What was there to be scared of?
"Yo, Scarlet Moth," Catalyst asked from across the city, "why are you so scared?"
"I don't know!" he blubbered, giving a public demonstration on how not to look like everything is under control.
Ding!
The elevator doors opened and Scarlet Moth ran.
In the fight:
The heroes were making short work of the villains. Every few punches, Ladybug would hear the crack of something solid followed by the flutter of butterfly wings. She would then look up from her magazine to quickly de-evilize the insect and then resume reading.
"Isn't Ladybug going to help us?" Rena Rouge asked as she smashed Princess Fragrance's face into the concrete.
"Don't worry," Chat Noir said as he held Riposte in a chokehold. "She's conserving her strength for the final battle with Scarlet Moth."
"From the looks of it, dude," Carapace said as he shield-bashed Rogercop's robo-nuts, "she might not have to do anything. Chloe has totally got this."
Upstairs:
"Why are you running?" Catalyst demanded. "WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?!"
"I don't know!" Scarlet Moth wailed as he sped up the stairs. He could hear Chloe's feet pounding the grated metal steps close behind. "Maybe it has something to do with her always turning into an Akuma powerful and evil enough to nearly destroy the world!"
"But she's not an Akuma right now!"
"I never said my fear made sense!"
Catalyst stomped out her frustration, roaring endlessly at the spiral window. Her carefully crafted plan was falling apart!
("Hey, Nat, you want my help or…?")
"No!" she growled. "I can fix this! I got this! Scarlet Moth, stop being a big baby for five seconds, and tell Dark Cupid to head to the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel!"
"Why?"
"Just do it!"
At the Grand Paris Luxury Hotel:
A press conference was being held by Mayor Andre Bourgeois. "People of Paris," he boldly said to the cameras, "We must not give in to tyranny and fear! We must stand against this threat together as one!"
"Mister Mayor, why is there a gassed up helicopter on your roof ready to take off and why is it spray-painted with the words 'So Long, Suckers!'?" asked a reporter.
The Mayor cleared his throat. "Martial Law!" he quickly declared and military police arrested every single reporter as the Mayor ran to the roof.
"I'm here, my darling, let's—OH WHAT THE FUCK?!" he screamed at the already flying helicopter.
"Sorry, Aardvark," his wife Audrey snooted down at him. "hhhYou took too long, I got impatient, hhhyou understand."
"I'm here now! Can't you land or throw me some rope?!"
"Nope. Too late."
Then the butler arrived. "Mademoiselle, I have found your necklace," he called, holding up the jewelry. A rope ladder unrolled from the helicopter and he climbed to safety.
"Audrey!" the Mayor shouted.
"I'm hhhwith you in spirit!"
The chopper swerved towards the sea where the gold-plated SS Fashion Queen yacht waited with a year's supply of strawberry daiquiris and mojitos. But then Dark Cupid appeared in their path! He fired three arrows, striking the Mayor, Audrey, and the butler.
"hhhHey!" Audrey shouted down at Andre, poking her black-lipsticked face out of the helicopter. "You know who I suddenly hhhhate?"
"Our only daughter?" Andre replied.
"Actually, I already sort of hhhated her, but now I hhhate her a lot more. She's the hhhworst."
"I couldn't have put it better, Mademoiselle," concurred the butler.
Red butterflies shattered on each of them and they were all transformed into their red Akuma forms.
"YES! IT WORKED!" Catalyst cheered. "MY PLAN IS STILL IN THE GAME!"
Meanwhile:
"I'm running out of Eiffel Tower here!" Scarlet Moth screeched. Something caught on the supervillain's toe and he tripped! Scrambling back to his feet, he discovered the obstacle was twitching and moaning Lila Rossi!
"Help..." she gurgled as her ankle monitor beeped.
ZAP!
A bright idea presented itself to Scarlet Moth. He flung a red butterfly at the girl and she was transformed into Volpina! The ankle monitor was gone.
"I have been electrocuted..." the medium-well-done villain said between gasps for air, "FOR THIRTY MINUTES!"
"Sucks to be you. Stop her!" Scarlet Moth ordered quickly and resumed running up the stairs.
"Stop her?" she sneered at the fleeing figure. "Like I'm going to do anything you s—"
Chloe elbowed Volpina over the railing and kept chasing Scarlet Moth.
Her prey was leaving a trail of tears now. "Catalyst! Do something! Please!" he begged.
"Five minutes! I'm almost ready!"
Down below:
Nearly all of the Akumas were gone. Chat Noir, Rena Rouge, and Carapace were just mopping up the last few stragglers. A small crowd of de-evilized and confused Parisians was gathered behind Ladybug and her magazine.
"Uh… shouldn't you be helping?" asked Officer Roger.
"Part of being the boss is not having to do any of the busywork," Ladybug replied absently.
"Ooh, that top looks sooo cute," Rose giggled, pointing at a page.
"Yeah, but it's a little out of season," Ladybug shrugged and turned to the next page. "Now this. This adorable number would be perfect for the summer."
"D'awww! That is sooo—" KTHWIP! "UGLY!"
Ladybug lowered her magazine.
KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP! KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!KTHWIP!
Ladybug turned around. All of the rescued civilians glowered at her with jet-black lips. Above them hovered a smug Dark Cupid. Ladybug closed the magazine, set it aside, and calmly walked to her three stand-ins. They were all kicking Simon Says who was curled up into a ball on the ground. She gave Chat Noir a few taps. When she had his attention, she hooked a thumb over her shoulder. Chat Noir looked. Then he tapped Rena Rouge. She looked. She tapped Carapace. He looked.
"Fuck," Carapace said.
Everyone else shared the sentiment.
Red butterflies descended on the people and they were all re-akumatized! The army was back! All of the heroes's hard work had been undone in a matter of seconds!
"Is this a bad time to talk about our little fusing sesh on the roof earlier?" Carapace asked Rena Rouge.
The fox-girl brightened. "You want to get back together?"
"I never said that."
"We should totally get back together! Oh my Astruc, that is—" KTHWIP! "THE WORST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD!" she snarled through her black lips.
"Yeah, I totally agree," Carapace said as he restrained her.
Up Above:
"Reinforcements are here," Scarlet Moth heard Catalyst cackle.
A cloud of scarlet glitter dropped from the sky and solidified into a red Style Queen, Malediktator, and Despair Bear! Chloe arrived and saw the newcomers.
"Yes!" Scarlet Moth laughed. "Face what you truly dread, Chloe Bourgeois! Your mommy, your daddy, and your loyal butler! The people who care about you most turned into your worst enemies! Let the anxiety and fear cripple you as you—"
Chloe punted Despair Bear. The little toy smacked into Malediktator's face with a rubber ducky squeak and the giant man fell over backwards, knocking himself out cold and crushing Style Queen into a cloud of glitter.
Scarlet Moth stared.
Catalyst stared.
Chloe cracked her knuckles.
Scarlet Moth ran.
Down Below:
It was utter chaos as Chat Noir and Ladybug barely managed to defend themselves from the neverending barrage of attacks and red butterflies.
In a spare moment, Ladybug tossed her yo-yo into the air, "Lucky Charm!" and down came a polka-dotted tennis racket. She chucked it at The Mime and gave him a bloody nose. Besides that, nothing else happened. "Well, I'm out of ideas."
Nearby, Carapace was struggling to hold Rena Rouge in place.
"—and I hate your cute face," Rena roared, "and I hate how you put up with me and my stupid blogs and I hate how it doesn't bother you that I also like girls and I hate how creative you are in thinking of ways to make money and I hate your stupid 'surfer dude' way of talking! Seriously! Who else talks like that? WE'RE FRENCH!"
"Dude," Carapace said, genuinely moved. "I had no clue how much you loved me, dude."
Rena Rouge ripped out of his arms and grabbed his throat! "I HATE YOU! I HAVE NEVER HATED SOMEONE MORE THAN YOU! YOU ARE LITERALLY THE WORST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME AND I HOPE YOU DIE!"
"That is… the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me," he replied, choking both literally and emotionally. "I… I love you too."
A red butterfly shattered on Rena's Miraculous and she was swallowed by bubbling darkness!
"No!" Carapace screamed and his sorrow earned him a butterfly as well. Both heroes were akumatized.
There was no one left except Ladybug and Chat Noir.
"We're surrounded, LB," Chat Noir said, pressing his back against hers. "What do we do?"
"Hey, look over there! A cloud!" Ladybug pointed up and everybody looked. The heroine ripped open a sewer grate, pushed Chat Noir over the edge, and dove in after him. The Akumas glared at their escape.
"Should I transform into a shark and go after them, Scarlet Moth?" asked Animan.
There was no response.
"Scarlet Moth?"
On the tippity-top level of the Eiffel Tower:
Scarlet Moth huffed and puffed as he reached the final step and collapsed. The observatory with its lockable door and windows was the only place he could possibly hide but the fast trek up several dozen flights had turned his legs into wet noodles and left him barely able to crawl.
"Scarlet Moth? Yoo-hoo, you there?" he heard Animan say in his mind.
"Help...me..." he tried to wheeze out.
"What was that? You say something about harmony? Are you saying we should lay down our weapons and live in harmony?"
"Ugh… Catalyst… help..."
"I'm thinking! I'm thinking!" Catalyst repeated. But that's all she could do. She had no control over the Akumas. She had no other powers. She was stuck here, nearly an hour away from the Eiffel Tower. There was no way she could help.
("Oh no! What a catastrophe! If only there was another Miraculous nearby.")
She tensed. One foot inched towards the mini-elevator which led straight to the office and the hidden safe before snapping back in place.
"No," she said. "He can do this. I know he can. I believe in him."
"Help!" Scarlet Moth wheezed. "I can't do this! I know I can't! I don't believe in myself!" His pitiful whines dissolved into dry gasps as Chloe finally arrived. Out of breath and sweaty, she was still in better shape than Scarlet Moth.
"End of the line, Scarlet Moth." She panted a few times and then took a deep gulp from a water bottle. "Give me a second to catch my breath. Once I do, I'm going to prove to Ladybug that I have what it takes to be a superhero by ending your reign of terror. Oh Astruc, my sides are splitting. That was more exercise than I've ever done in my entire life. Which stupid commoner's idea was it to invent stairs?"
The supervillain cowered away from the teenage girl of his nightmares. This was it. He was done.
"JUMP!" Catalyst ordered.
"Huh?"
"FLY!"
"Huh?!"
"Come on, Scarlet Moth, you can do it!" Clappity-clap-clap! "You possess the Moth Miraculous, Moth is literally in your name, the words you use to transform are Dark Wings Rise! If that doesn't mean you possess the power of flight, I don't know what does."
There was logic in what she said, Scarlet Moth had to admit. Thin but still logic. He looked at Chloe, sweating and leaning against the railing but raring to beat him to a bloody pulp. He looked at the ground, far away and rather hard. He looked at his majestic cane, overflowing with magic and still spewing red power out of the back end... like a rocket. Could he fly? Was it possible? Did he even have a choice?
"Okay, woo!" Chloe said. "I'm ready. Let's do this."
No, he did not.
"I believe!" Scarlet Moth proclaimed as he leaped into the heavens! The man craned his face to the sun and tucked his cane between his legs like a witch's broomstick. He felt the rush of wind! Whether that rush was him soaring through the clouds like a majestic eagle or him plummeting to the Earth like a brick was yet to be seen. With the last of his courage, he peeked.
"I'm… I'm flying!" he laughed. "Catalyst! Look! You were right! I'm flying!"
"Y-Y'up, you sure are," Catalyst nervously agreed. "Just keep saying that."
"Hahaha! I can fly!"
Several floors above, Chloe watched Scarlet Moth hang in the air on a loose bit of metal jutting out of the Eiffel Tower. It had been sheer dumb luck that the back of his red suit had caught on the metal and not ripped. She took another swig of water and started heading down the stairs.
Later, in the sewers:
Ladybug and Chat Noir raced along the water's edge, putting as much distance between them, the Akumas, and the ravenous undead hordes which haunted the underworld of Paris as possible.
As they ran, Ladybug heard her earrings beep, so they separated at a fork in the tunnels and waited for Tikki to recharge.
"What are we going to do, LB? Hawkmoth has never been able to re-akumatize so many people like that. He's somehow found a way to become powerful."
"Oh well," Marinette said with the biggest shit-eating grin. "I guess this battle is going to drag on for a while. Maybe even into the night. Which means any plans, such as a crazy-expensive picnic that one person lied about putting together because she was ashamed of her Heroes Day macarons, are going to be canceled. Life goes on."
"Don't worry, Bugaboo," she heard Chat Noir say with the utmost confidence. "I won't let that happen. My number one fan is putting on a party tonight and I fully intend to be there!"
"No one invited you! Who the fuck invited you?!" Marinette shrieked.
"We've faced these villains before. Just the two of us," he powered on. "We know how to beat them and we can do it again. You and me, M'Lady. Together!"
Marinette sighed. "Ugh, okay, fine, but I'm dragging this out to at least sundown. It'll make it more believable when I don't deliver."
"That's the spirit! Now, let's transform into mermaids and swim in the sewers."
Marinette stared at the frothing brown-green sludge dotted with snail shells, frog legs, and champagne bottles that looked oily enough to catch fire. It stared back at her. "Yeah, I got a better idea."
Above ground:
Scarlet Moth felt like he was King of the World with his newly discovered power of flight. "Prime Queen, get me on camera!"
"Um, are you sure, Scarlet Moth?"
"Yes, I want the world to see me like this."
To Scarlet Moth, like this was an epic supervillain floating on a gale of pure evil. To the rest of the world, like this was a grown man suffering from an atomic wedgie. The Akumas exchanged glances and made the silent collective agreement to not ruin his fun. Prime Queen started the broadcast.
"Citizens of Paris, behold! I, Scarlet Moth, have untapped even more power. This battle has already been won! Frozer, ice over the entire Seine. If Ladybug and Chat Noir are in the sewers, then we'll trap them there! Muahaha!"
Frozer spun on the tip of the Eiffel Tower, freezing half of the city into solid ice.
Scarlet Moth watched with glee as the last of the Seine was covered. He had done it! He had won! Nothing would stop him n—
A building-sized fist made of thousands of human bones punched through the ice.
"Wha...?" he said.
The undead horde of Paris stretched their collective mass to a nearby bridge and deposited Ladybug and Chat Noir there.
"Thanks for the lift. I'll be sure to give you five stars on Uber," Ladybug said to the fist. The Lich King of the Undead and the giant fist both gave her a thumbs-up and then sunk back into the depths.
"What… What the fuck just happened?" Chat Noir asked, trembling.
"They owed me one. The important thing is that we're back on the surface and we can sneak our way back to Scarlet Moth and use the element of surprise." They turned around and saw they were in the exact same spot they had escaped from, surrounded by the exact same army of red Akumas.
"Well, crap," Ladybug said. "Plan B: RUN!"
She and Chat Noir sped into the city, the Akumas hot on their tails.
"So what's the plan now, M'Lady?"
"I was thinking about tripping you and escaping while they're tearing you apart."
"But then you realized how much you like me and went with a different plan?" he asked with hope.
The homicidal glare she gave Chat Noir told him nothing could be further from the truth. He put several cars between the two of them.
"Any other plans?" he asked.
"Why do I have to come up with everything? How about someone else contribu—BUS!"
Indeed, a bus was parked across the road ahead along with several cars, dumpsters, and road dividers piled in front of the abandoned vehicle. The heroes leaped over the pile, momentarily disappearing from the Akumas's sights. In their place rose the French flag, flapping in the wind, its pole held tightly by Nora "Anansi" Cesaire.
"Heheheh, you little Akumas are in for it now," Nora jeered.
"Hoo-hoo, motherfuckers!" The Owl said, landing at her side.
To his right, covered in a layer of flour and hefting a warhammer of stale bread, was The Baker. And at his side, face masked in jade and in her hand a bladed candelabra, was The Candlestick Maker.
"Ever thought we'd be fighting on the same side?" The Owl asked.
"Don't get used to it," The Baker replied.
"Culinary Titans!" The Candlestick Maker shouted, pointing her candelabra at the Akumas. Through their eyes, Scarlet Moth saw the dozens of fighters rise behind her. The Tax Collector sharpened his endless arsenal of #2 pencils, Cardboard Girl flipped the safety on her deadly flamethrower, Fire Chief Cobra Commander aimed the water hose of his cobra-themed firetruck, The French Punisher donned his skull-themed beret, Mr. Ramier readied his flock of trained pigeons, the real Santa Claus raised his mistletoe lancing pole at the naughty Akumas, Gary the long-prophesied Super Pigeon ruffled his feathers, The Butcher twirled his sausage nunchucks, The Cappuccino Maker drew his giant coffee stirrer staff, Adult Alix appeared in a blue mini-nuclear explosion and made a joke apology for being late, Andre "The Ice Cream Man" Glacier wrapped himself in Rocky Road flavored armor. They were all ready.
Among them stood the ordinary people of Paris, thousands of them armed with everything from frying pans to guillotines to baguettes on pitchforks. They had no powers or gadgets to speak of, but each and every single one was ready to kick some serious ass. A great THUD shook the street as Heli-Chopper landed on a building and warmed up his buzzsaw arms. Above the giant robot flapped Toothless and on her back rode Ladydoll.
"This ends today," Ladydoll beeped.
Toothless belched a bolt of electric-fire into the sky.
"Uh—" Scarlet Moth started to say.
"GO!" The Candlestick Maker shouted.
Nora chucked the flagpole like a javelin and it shish-kabobed The Mime, Riposte, and Stormy Weather through the head!
"HOLY FUCK!" Scarlet Moth screamed.
The People of Paris descended on the red army. Akumas, including Rena Rouge and Carapace, were grabbed from the rooftops and dragged into the houses where they were promptly beaten with brooms.
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" Scarlet Moth kept screaming.
The great numbers overwhelmed Darkblade and his knights! "Back-eth, I say! Back-eth, knaves!" was all he could say before the mob decimated his ranks.
"HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?!" Scarlet Moth belted out.
Andre Glacier conducted his mystical ice cream into giant rattlesnakes which struck at the Akumas trying to run away.
"ASTRUC FUCKING DAMMIT!" was the last thing Scarlet Moth said before a water bottle smacked the back of his head. He turned in time to see Chloe on the stairs pitching a trash can at him before he heard the harsh ripping of cloth. The trash can struck and he fell.
On the bus, Ladybug and Chat Noir watched the people quite successfully obliterate the Akumas.
"They're helping?" Ladybug asked. "They're actually helping? What is this, Opposite Day?"
"No, Miss Ladybug, it is Heroes Day!" Luka proudly said, climbing up to her. "Seeing as Hawkmoth has taken the initiative to akumatize half of the city, I thought it only fair to recruit the other half.
"You?" Ladybug whispered. "You did this?" Then she quickly smashed her head against the bus to banish the mental image of her cradled in the muscular arms of Luka dressed like a superhero as they romantically soared far, far away from Paris.
"Without any robotomizing, of course, Miss," he added proudly.
"This is amazing!" Chat Noir cheered.
"Yeah!" Ladybug agreed. "If we all work together—hero, villain, and regular civilian—we can easily defeat Hawkmoth once and for all!"
"Terribly sorry, Miss Ladybug, but I'm afraid that won't be possible," Luka said.
"...Say what?"
"They're only fighting because I persuaded them to and I promised the Universe to not interfere anymore, so unless Hawkmoth makes a habit of akumatizing a large chunk of Paris this will have to be a one-time thing." He stuck a cooking pot on his head like a helmet and charged into the fight, waving his rubber band collection as if it were a lethal weapon.
Ladybug's wrench wound spasmed.
"Don't worry, Bugaboo," Chat Noir said. "I'm sure we'll eventually take down Hawkmoth on our own. Maybe in a year or two." He smiled. "Or five."
Ladybug dropped down to the street and lifted the bus over her head.
Meanwhile at the Eiffel Tower:
Scarlet Moth woozily got back on his feet. The fall hadn't been as deadly as it would've been if he'd fallen from the top, but his pride was still hurt. The important thing was that he survived. He'd cry later. Right now, there was a fight to win.
"Listen up, my giants!" Scarlet Moth said to his most massive Akumas. Gigantitan, Gamer, Stoneheart, they all stood at the ready. "You are my last and greatest line of defense. Go forth and destroy Ladyb—"
A bus smashed into all of them, knocking the giants into the Seine where the bony arm of the undead horde dragged them under.
"Merde," Scarlet Moth muttered.
With no one left in the way, Ladybug and Chat Noir shot up the Eiffel Tower and landed before Scarlet Moth.
"Hey, look at me, I'm Scarlet Moth!" the cornered villain cheered. "Uh oh, it looks like you guys got me trapped."
"You've got nowhere to run, Scarlet Moth," Chat Noir said, powering up a Cataclysm.
"That's right," Ladybug snarled, arming herself with a steel girder she ripped out of the floor. "And you're going to tell me where Duusu is before I kill you and re-imprison Nooroo and put an end to this insanity!"
"Um, M'Lady, we don't have to kill—"
"WE'RE KILLING HIM!"
"Wow! You'll kill me? Yippee!" Scarlet Moth clapped like a child. "But before you do that, little lady, have I got a humdinger for you. Tell me, how do you know I won't use your Miraculous to wish for the world to be a better place?"
Ladybug paused. "Wish?"
Chat Noir paused. "What are you talking about?"
Behind them, the real Scarlet Moth, who had been quietly approaching with his cane raised over his head like a sledgehammer, frantically tried to signal the hidden Volpina to shut the fuck up, but she took his curt neck chopping motion as a positive sign to keep the lie going.
"Yessirroonee, my big secret wish I wanna make using the combined powers of your Miraculous. For all you know, I could wish for the end of all pollution, a solution to racism, and twenty bucks for everybody."
A chill ran up Ladybug's spine. "Chat, that's not Scarlet Moth!" She fired her yo-yo at the villain and it went straight through him!
"Hooray, finally, I'm dead!" Scarlet Moth said as he crumbled into golden dust. "Them's the brakes. Goodbye, world."
The yo-yo kept going and wrapped around Dark Cupid who had been hiding behind Scarlet Moth with two arrows aimed at the heroes. With a great swing, Ladybug whipped Dark Cupid against the Eiffel Tower, knocking him out of the fight and unknowingly squashing Volpina in the process.
"Another illusion," Chat Noir said. "All that talk about our Miraculous granting wishes must've been a lie to get our guard down."
"Yeah," Ladybug agreed. "If they could grant wishes, I would've stolen your Miraculous and wished to not be Ladybug a long time ago. Hahahaha!"
"Hahahaha… Wait, what?"
CLUNK!
Both heroes spun around and found the real Scarlet Moth on the floor, having tripped over his untied butterfly-themed shoelaces of doom.
"Fuck!" he screamed. "Quick, Catalyst, what's the backup plan?"
Catalyst stared. "I dunno."
Scarlet Moth blinked. "Aha! Brilliant! Such a dastardly plan! I know you can't hear her, Ladybug and Chat Noir, but I bet you wish you could because-because-because the next step of her diabolical plan is so evil. Sooo evil. And smart. You'll never be able to stop—"
"You've got nothing," Ladybug said.
"I've got nothing," Scarlet Moth whimpered.
"GET HIM!"
Ladybug chucked Chat Noir with all of her Amazonian strength, his battle staff extending. Scarlet Moth barely had time to raise his cane. The makeshift swords clashed in a shower of magical sparks. Years of fencing classes (and weeks of surviving Kagami) took hold and Chat Noir chopped and swiped without rest, forcing Scarlet Moth into a constant retreat.
"Fuck!" the villain sputtered, barely keeping up. "No! Help! Stop! Wai—" And then he got a polka-dotted fist in the gut.
Scarlet Moth went flying, but his cane dropped to the floor where it was grabbed by Chat Noir's glowing hand. The object was Cataclysmed into rust. Instantly, Scarlet Moth transformed into regular old Hawkmoth!
"No!" he cried.
All across Paris, every Akuma was swallowed by bubbling darkness and transformed back into their normal human selves. The Akuma army was gone.
"Well…" Catalyst said. "Time for Plan D." She ran out of the room.
"Catalyst?" Hawkmoth called out. "Catalyst? You there? Hello?"
No response.
Hawkmoth was all alone.
"Uh, um, you fools!" he cackled. "By ridding me of my Akuma soldiers, disarming me of my only weapon, and sapping me of my great power you've only made me stronger! Such a grave mistake you've made."
Chat Noir gasped and hid behind Ladybug.
Ladybug was not impressed. "That makes absolutely zero sense."
"Too bad! It's magic! Magic doesn't have to make sense! By defeating me, you've only assured my victor—"
Chloe tackled Hawkmoth to the ground and started punching his face.
In Gabriel Agreste's Office:
The safe opened and, for the first time in months, Duusu saw sunlight.
("Nat! There you are! So, I'm thinking the next thing we should try to win Gabe's heart is doing something with your hair. Something cute, like, maybe a few extensions, another highlight or two. How do you feel about bangs?")
"Enough!" Catalyst glared fiercely at the peacock Miraculous. "I know this was your plan the whole time."
("My plan?") Duusu gasped in astonishment. ("Why, Nat, are you insinuating that your will was too strong for me make you go through with killing Gabe so I pretended to play matchmaker and patiently waited until Gabe inevitably fucked up so bad that you would have no choice but to turn to me for help?")
Catalyst's glare hardened.
("Nat, come on, haven't I earned your trust? Of course, I'll help you,") it said sweetly. ("I'll also slowly drive you crazy while slowly killing your body from the inside like a virus but, hey, that's a small price to pay to save the man you love, right?")
Catalyst hesitated.
("And once you're gone, there'll be nobody left to stop sweet naive Gabe from using me and li'l Noo at the same time and then I win the bet.")
Catalyst gritted her teeth.
("Just being honest with you… partner.")
Catalyst hung her head in defeat.
("Ooh, Nat, guess what? Guess what? Guess what, Nat? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Guess what?")
"What?" she hissed.
("Chicken butt! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I just heard that joke for the first time today and it is my new favorite thing! HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!")
Catalyst took the Miraculous.
Back at the Eiffel Tower:
The flurry of punches Chloe was unleashing was really impressive. Ladybug could not deny that. Such intense violence reminded her of the beating she'd given Fu when they first met.
"Wow," she muttered. "Am I like that?"
"Kinda," Chat Noir said with tact. "You're more driven by feisty anger you hold against the world that just turns me on in all the right ways. Chloe is more about hurting others the way her mom hurt her."
Rena Rouge and Carapace landed at their sides, ready to fight. "We're here to back you—Whoa..." Rena's bold declaration petered out as Chloe's fist broke Hawkmoth's nose in four different places.
"Dude..." Carapace said as Chloe snapped Hawkmoth's fingers backward one at a time.
"I think he's had enough," Chat Noir said as Chloe smashed Hawkmoth's kneecaps.
"Yeah," Ladybug agreed, feeling a little sick. She tapped the blonde maniac on the shoulder and said, "Chloe, you passed the test. You can be Queen Bee."
"I can?" Chloe gasped. "I can be a superhero?"
"Sure, whatever. We're about to defeat Hawkmoth so it's not like you'll actually get to do anything so there's no harm."
"Yes! Validation! That's all I ever wanted!" Chloe kicked Hawkmoth in the dick one last time and then wrapped Ladybug in a tight hug.
And what happened then, you ask, dear readers?
Well…
An innocent little blue feather ghosted past the heroes on an unfelt breeze. It went unnoticed by all and was quite unremarkable until the innocent little blue feather landed on the remains of Hawkmoth's destroyed cane and shattered.
A pair of fashionable neon-purple peacock-themed sunglasses appeared on Hawkmoth's face and he saw the visage of a blue-skinned woman partially hidden behind a hand-fan decorated with peacock feathers.
"Knock knock," she said.
"Fuck," he managed to hoarsely reply through his crushed throat.
("Who's there?") the woman continued, her demeanor abruptly shifting from calm and collected to unstable and delighted.
Despite the pain, Hawkmoth flipped onto his side and said to the heroes, "Run."
Ladybug, still in the clutches of Chloe's hug, raised an eyebrow. "Um, I'm pretty sure that's my line. And what's with the sunglasses?"
"Mayura," the blue woman calmly said and then twitched to unstable. ("Mayura who?")
Black smog appeared out of nowhere above them all. The smoke quickly expanded and took a winged form. The darkness melted away and left behind a monstrous purple butterfly the size of a car! The creature shrieked horrifically, slashing its claws and stinger at the heroes!
"What the fuck is that?!" Ladybug shouted.
"Mayura sorry bunch of bitches!" both the insect and the blue woman yelled. The giant butterfly thrashed its wings, creating a hurricane of wind that blew the heroes away!
"Looks like Team Miraculous is blasting off again!" Chat Noir screamed as he, Chloe, Rena Rouge, and Carapace became a distant twinkle in the distance.
"Wobbuffet!" somebody added.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Mayura laughed uncontrollably. "Oh, it's good to be ba—" A yo-yo wrapped around the giant butterfly's stinger. "What?"
"UP YOURS!" Ladybug roared, flinging herself forward with her unstoppable strength. Then everything went dark.
Mayura stared.
The last thing she'd seen before she lost her Sentimonster was a bus being swung down at her like a flyswatter. Swinging that bus had been Ladybug and she looked quite different than Mayura had anticipated. There was the red spandex with black polka-dots, yes, that was to be expected. But there were also the very unexpected fangs, claws, and familiarly colored eyes.
("Uh oh,") she said. ("Did I do that?")
Ladybug nodded firmly at the crater of purple goo. She wiped the bug guts off and turned. "Alright, Hawkmoth, now it's your tur—ASTRUC DAMMIT!"
Where a bruised, crippled, and bleeding Hawkmoth had once laid was now a photo of Hawkmoth giving her the finger.
"GAAAAH! Where are you, ya bastard!" Ladybug ripped the nearest wall of steel aside and found an extremely injured Gabriel Agreste!
"L-Ladybug!" the man said, smiling with a mouth that was missing a lot of teeth. "Thank goodness you're here! You just missed Hawkmoth, which we've previously established is not and has never been me. He went that way. Hurry!"
Ladybug swung towards the garbage dump he pointed to, leaving Gabriel far behind. Alas, she never found Hawkmoth, and her chance to put an end to his reign was missed. She had no choice but to cast Miraculous Ladybug and call it a day.
Later, at Fu's Massage Parlor:
"Sorry for lying about me and Trixx having the power to resurrect the dead," Wayzz said as Marinette put the Miraculous back in the box. "You were so stressed I had to tell you something."
"Eh, it's fine," Marinette shrugged and headed for the door. "It all worked out in the end."
"That is what's most important," Fu nodded.
Marinette paused. She turned slowly and stared at Fu. "She was lying too, right?"
"Hmm?"
"Volpina, Lila. If I took Chat Noir's Miraculous and combined it with mine," she asked carefully, never taking her eyes off the man, "could I make a wish?"
Fu stared back. His eyes began to water. Sweat streamed down his neck. Out of the corner of his vision, he could barely make out Tikki and Wayzz desperately mouthing, "NO! NO! NO! SAY NO!" At least, Fu thought that's what they were mouthing. He couldn't tear his sights away from the bottomless abyss that had replaced Marinette's stare.
"N...N...No…?" he squeaked.
Marinette didn't budge. "Are you sure?"
"M… M… Me sure."
The invisible weight Fu didn't realize was there lifted from his shoulders. "Okay," Marinette said. "See ya." And the monster left.
Fu dove under his bed.
"Fuck, that was close," Wayzz said. "We almost had a second Hawkmoth on our hands."
Later, at the Agreste Mansion:
Gabriel carried Nathalie to the couch and gingerly set her down.
"I told you to never use the Peacock Miraculous, Nathalie," he admonished. "It's damaged and not to mention completely insane."
"I know, sir. Every wandering thought inside my head is a Knock-Knock joke," she whispered in terror before convulsing into sickly coughs. "Knock knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? No, I'm not a poo! Oh Astruc, this was a mistake. I regret everything. No man is worth this misery."
"Ha! You sound like Emilie when she was pregnant with Adrien. Wait..." Gabriel's disappointed frown softened. "You did this for… me?"
"I had to, sir," she coughed. "I had to save you."
Moved beyond belief, Gabriel took her hand. "...Are you sure it wasn't for extra vacation days?"
"No."
"Sick leave?"
"No!"
"Oh, I get it! You want a raise."
"NO!" She hacked out what looked like a chunk of lung. "I did it for you."
That last word sunk in and a soft smile appeared on Gabriel Agreste's face. "Thank you, Nathalie." The smile was returned and all of the suffering and hardship were suddenly worth it.
"D'awww."
Both Nathalie and Gabriel's warm smiles dropped to cold fear. They looked left. A little blue Kwami that resembled a peacock was watching them with the dopey smirk of a hopeless romantic watching its favorite Meet-Cute scene. That dopey smirk might've been adorable if it weren't for those demonic red eyes.
"Don't mind me, keep going. I am so Team GabeNath," said Duusu.
Gabriel and Nathalie screamed.
Later, at the park:
"As you can see," Marinette said, extending an arm over the cluttered excuse of a picnic with half-baked food and flat soda which stood unimpressively in the fading sunlight, "the violent Akuma war today destroyed the super special picnic I had planned for you guys and totally didn't lie about. Oh well!"
Ivan raised his hand, "Why Miraculous Ladybug not fix?"
"Not important," was Marinette's masterful excuse.
Her classmates blinked at her.
"Uh, girl, why did you even choose this park?" Alya asked. "None of us live anywhere around here."
"Oh, one does," Marinette said, shooting a grin at the nearest building.
One of the blinded windows opened to reveal Lila Rossi. Marinette waved to her and happily pointed at the big banner fluttering over the picnic that read YOU SUCK, LILA! The girl harrumphed, drew the curtains, and crawled into bed.
"Eh, whatever," Chloe smugly said. "I knew Dupain-Cheng would blow it, so I was a good friend and brought my own food." She snapped her fingers and her butler appeared with a platter of sushi.
"Me too," said Kim, raising a bag of chips.
"Me four!" said Rose, holding up two fresh pies.
"Three," Juleka corrected, pulling out a box of eclairs.
One by one, every single classmate pulled out food for the picnic.
"Wait… did… did none of you believe that I could pull this off?" Marinette asked.
Alya put a pleasant hand on her shoulder. "Not even for a second."
"And you still let me go through the aneurysm of putting this shitshow together by myself?!"
"That's what friends are for," Alya replied, pulling Marinette into an unwanted hug.
"Hey, everyone!" Adrien said as he arrived. Close behind him was a restaurant's worth of food carried by dozens of professional chefs. "I brought some five-star dishes to celebrate my Father's first social party. Dig in!"
The picnic was officially saved and the entire class feasted while Adrien dialed his Father. He picked up on the second ring.
"IT'S LOOSE!" he heard his Father cry in the distance. He was so far from the phone though that Adrien couldn't really understand him.
"WHERE DID IT GO?! HOW DO WE STOP IT?!" Nathalie's voice screamed, just as far away.
"Father?" Adrien said. "Can you hear me? When are you coming to the party?"
"SAY YOU QUIT! TAKE OFF THE MIRACULOUS! QUICKLY!"
"I QUIT! AHH! IT WON'T COME OFF! WHY WON'T IT COME OFF!?"
"Father? You there?"
"So sorry... Ace? Adri? Ari?" a voice finally replied to him as his Father and Nathalie continued to scream in the background. "Crap, there aren't any good nicknames for Adrien. Guess I'll just have to stick with your boring real name—No, wait, I got it! Aids! It fits you perfectly because your sweetness is sickening and no matter how hard I try I can't control you. That's genius! So sorry, Aids, I don't think Gabe can make it today. In fact, he wants you to come home right now. I know you had plans with your friends but I'm sure I can help you deal with the blues. HoohoohoohoohooheeheeheeeheeheeheeheeHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAHAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
With a heavy sigh, Adrien hung up.
"Father wants me to come home," he told his class. "I can't stay."
There were disappointed looks on every face, but none more so than Marinette.
Adrien stood as if he was about to leave but instead, he turned to the bluenette. "I wanted to tell you, Marinette," he said. "You're always helping people. Like that day you helped Juleka overcome her photo curse."
"Y'up!" Marinette squawked, not sure how to take such praise from the boy of her dreams. "I was acting completely selflessly and not trying to get one last body to photoshop your face onto."
"Or how you set Nathaniel up with Marc and now they have a publishing deal with Marvel Comics."
"I absolutely remember—THEY WHAT?!"
"Or when you helped me get to the movies so I could see my mother on the screen even though you weren't wearing a bra."
"Please stop mentioning the bra part!"
"That's why everyone jumped at the chance to help you put this picnic together. Today it was our turn to help you. Isn't that right, everybody?"
The class avoided all eye contact and gave generally apathetic bullshit agreements.
"Really?" Rose asked. "I thought it was because Marinette is clumsy and we knew she would mess u—" Juleka jingled some keys in her face. "Ooh! Sparkly!"
"So, on behalf of everybody," Adrien concluded, "I want to say thank you, Marinette. You're our everyday Ladybug. Have a good evening, Super Marinette."
With the most handsome smile Marinette had ever seen, her Adrien walked away. She watched him go, his kind words echoing in her heart. Kind words. Kind actions. Cute butt. Always kind. And that's all they would ever be. Kind. Nice. Friends. But Marinette wanted more than kind. More than nice. More than friends. She wanted… needed...
"Adrien!" Marinette darted after the boy and smacked nose-first into his chest. Ignoring the mystifying draw of his cheesy scent, she composed herself and said, "I… I, uh..." but words failed her, as they always did. Realistically, it would take a novel to properly express her feelings. And even then, words wouldn't be enough.
So why use your words?
And in that sudden thought, Marinette found a drop of courage which she clung to with all her might.
Don't use your words. Show him.
She cupped Adrien's face.
Show him.
Her delicate heart beat at the speed of light as she stood on her tiptoes and leaned forward.
Show him!
The world held its breath as Marinette Dupain-Cheng's lips brushed against Adrien Agreste's cheek. It was innocent. It was chaste. It was over in less than a quarter of a second. And yet that gentle kiss short-circuited Adrien's brain more than Ladybug and Kagami's kisses combined. An explosion of fire emanating from his cheek surged through Adrien's body. Every corner was filled with a warmth he hadn't felt in a very long time. And, most importantly of all, that last millimeter of ice cream roots in Adrien's heart melted away.
"Hhhmminelshuffriiiguglppppssxxxz," Adrien said, staring slackjawed at the girl. "FFFFrench! We're French! Right, Nino?"
The other guy blinked alongside the equally dumbstruck class, "Uh—"
"That's right, we're French!" Adrien shouted almost desperately. "We kiss all the time! All the time! Kiss all time! French kiss all the time! This was a perfectly normal French thing to do!" Adrien spun on his heels and marched to his limo, repeating loudly, "French kiss all the time! French kiss all the time! French kiss all the time!"
"Girl!" Alya squealed and hugged Marinette as her class whooped and hollered in celebration. "You did it! You actually did it! AHH! I wasn't streaming! You have to kiss him again for my Why Aren't They Dating Yet? Blog!"
Marinette said nothing. She did nothing. She only stared straight ahead.
"Marinette?"
Alya waved her hand in front of her face. The girl didn't blink. She pressed an ear against Marinette's chest.
"Oh, fuck, she's dead."
END
OKAY!
We are officially completely done with season 2 and halfway done with Miraculous Migraine. I need a break to work on a script for Nickelodeon again, so the next chapter won't be out next week.
Pester me to release the next chapter sooner, dear readers, I like the attention.