Chapter 20: Tommy

I thought I would feel a sharp pain in my chest. I expected a bright light, maybe see more of my life flash before my eyes, possibly see some dead relatives. Thanks to Catholicism, I planned on being greeted by Heaven or Hell. Which one, I couldn't say in confidence.

Deep down, I wondered if maybe, I would feel nothing at all. I would see no bright light, no family, and just be greeted by complete darkness. My life would just fall into oblivion. None of it would have mattered.

But none of that happened. I felt no sharp pain, no bright light, no darkness. Instead, I felt the sensation that I was falling. Something hard had hit my back.

I opened my eyes, seeing Titanic still in front of me. It was on a slant now.

As I sat up and looked around, coming to terms with reality, I couldn't believe my luck.

I wasn't shot. I was in a lifeboat. I fell in a fucking lifeboat.

I was alive.

"HA HA!" I looked up to see people on deck, staring down at me in shock. One of them was Fabrizio, who was smiling widely and laughing like a madman. "You go, Tommy, you go!"

I didn't know what to say. I smiled sheepishly and waved back at him in disbelief.

"You're next, Fabri!"

"I'm ok, I'm ok!" he continued to laugh in disbelief as the lifeboat unsteadily drew closer to the water. Once he couldn't see me anymore, he was off.

I had never felt so guilty.

"Please give me one good reason why I shouldn't have you thrown off of this boat," I turned to the officer at the head of the boat, arms crossed, addressing me. I didn't recognize him.

I couldn't give him a good reason. There were still women and children, fathers, husbands, that had more of a reason to be on here than me. I didn't deserve this.

"Sir," there was Ellen, who was with the Strauses earlier, speaking up, "He helped many of us get on this boat. He deserves a seat here."

"It's true," the officer that I saw on the boat previously nodded, "There's no point in kicking him off, the man is already on here. The more people we save, the better." He must have been new, he seemed so small and meek compared to the other officer who took charge.

The officer up front shrugged, still giving me a questionable look.

"I can row," I managed to let out.

"So be it," he passed an oar over to me and I felt a wave of relief wash over me.

I was alive. I still couldn't believe it, I was alive.

I couldn't concentrate on the orders and directions the officers were giving out. I didn't even catch their names. I was not expecting to make it this night, and here I was.

As I rowed us away further and further from Titanic, it was difficult avoiding conflicting emotions. On one end, I was so fucking lucky. But across from me sat the third class woman with her two little ones I helped get in earlier, the three of them holding each other tightly. Her face was wet from tears, but she looked too exhausted to cry anymore. The little ones were fighting sleep.

What on earth did I do to deserve this while these kids were left without a father?

Suddenly, there was a horrible snap of ripped metal. I turned back to see one of the funnels collapse towards the bow, people around me gasping in shock. I stopped rowing for a moment, taken aback by what was playing out in front of our eyes. The stern was practically vertical. With the lights still on in the ship, you could make out the bodies falling, swimming and floating in the water. You could hear their muffled screams out in the distance.

Then we couldn't see much anymore when the lights abruptly flickered out. The lights seemed to offer some kind of comfort, some hope as they stayed on. With being thrown into complete darkness now, you knew the last few moments were about to play out. The screams had gotten louder, the people with me in the lifeboat continued to gasp and cry. You could still make the large mass of the ship out in the distance. There was another sound now, so loud that it seemed to shake the whole ocean. What accompanied that was Titanic ripping in two.

"My god," Ellen let out breathlessly.

Titanic slowly began to disappear into the dark depths of the ocean. The first half of her went down and for a few moments, the stern bobbed in the water like a buoy. We all held our breath, on edge wondering what would happen next.

I thought of my father, and the thousands of other men that worked on this ship. All of it, for nothing. Lives lost.

There was movement. Painfully, Titanic, the grandest, largest ship in the world, one of man's greatest accomplishments, succumbed to the Atlantic.

That was it. She was gone.

We couldn't look away. Some of us sat in silence, others cried.

There was still screaming.

"That's it," a woman next to me sniffed, "It's the end for us."

"No," one of the officers shook his head, "It's the end of Titanic. For Titanic is no more."

We continued to sit in silence. I couldn't push myself to get back to rowing. The screams in the distance were taking every ounce of energy I had out of me.

"We have to go back," I stated, "It's the right thing to do."

"Are you mad?!" the officer up front snapped, "There's no way in bloody hell we're going back!"

"Do you not hear them out there?" I snapped back, "Those are mothers, fathers, children, our loved ones out there!"

"If we go back, they'll swamp us," he shook his head.

"But-"

"You're especially lucky to be on here," he cut me off, "I suggest you don't push it any further."

He just had to throw that in my face. I knew he was right. I couldn't fight anymore.

"Please sir," a teenage girl with blonde curls whimpered, "My father is on there. We have to go back."

"It's our lives now, miss," the officer stated, "We are not going back," We all sat in silence as those in the distance continued to scream and fight to live. I felt sick. The officer turned back to me, "Keep rowing."

I nodded in defeat and did what I was told, feeling like I had no choice in the matter.

All we had to do now was wait.

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