"I think we can do this battle later, and in a better arena." A bored voice echoed in the hall. Suddenly, Ares' and Dionysus' eyes were closed, like they were sleeping.
"They would remember about their...disagreement at the end of reading. Ares would even remember about his decision to leave Olympus." Ananke's voice rambled. "Until then,they would behave like things were normal."
After a long pause, Zeus broke the silence. "So, it won't be a problem for now. Hephaestus!"
Hephaestus began to read.
Hephaestus makes me a golden llama
"I haven't!" Hephaestus said.
(Not really, but he totally should.)
"Why though?" Leo said. "He totally should make me a one before you!"
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HEPHAESTUS'S BABY PICTURES, you're out of luck.
Hermes grinned and flashed few baby pictures. Hephaestus running butt naked around Hera's throne, cuddling to Hera, making tiny swords and other sort of things out of metal pieces.
Hephaestus flushed, but he felt happy at the same time.
He was born so ugly that his loving mother Hera tossed him off Mount Olympus like a bagof trash.
"Harsh." Apollo said.
If somebody had taken a baby picture, it would've shown homely little Hephaestusplummeting through the clouds with a surprised look on his face like, MOMMY, WHY?
"The baby pic of year!" Hermes said.
Athena showed a tapestry of Hephaestus falling down to the crowd. Even Hephaestus couldn't held back the laugh, thinking of the joke.
What happened next? Well, Hera was hoping never to see the kid again.
"Yes, I'm." Hera sounded very guilty.
But eventually Hephaestus came back, just like a boomerang, and smacked her upside the head.
"Way to go, Hephaestus!" Annabeth cheered.
Ilove that guy.
"Which means you're my type?" Nico asked *hopefully*.
"He don't like Hephaestus in a romantic way!" Hazel slapped on Nico's hand. "You have Will, by the way."
"You're so busted!" Apollo smirked. "My son, Will Solace eh? Get ready to have the talk."
Baby Hephaestus fell into the sea, where he was rescued by the leader of the fifty Nereid sea spirits—Thetis.
"Bless her soul. She was very kind and good." Hephaestus said. "I send a card to her every year."
She's the chick who later freed Zeus when the gods tied him up.
"Yep. Thetis was the best." Zeus said, earning a well aimed glare from Hera.
Anyway, Thetis felt bad for this poor little baby. She decided to raise him in a secret underwatercave.
"Best place to spend the childhood!" Poseidon gave a thumbs up.
Thetis didn't mind ugly. She lived with jellyfish and eels and anglerfish, so Hephaestus didn'tlook so bad to her.
"They were good childhood members." Hephaestus said.
Sure, his legs were malformed and too scrawny to support his weight without crutches or braces.
"Lets make him some of them." Hermes said.
He had too much man fur, and he had to shave like five times a day, even as a baby.
"Like a cute cuddly bear!" Artemis exclaimed.
"Its one of her habits." Apolo explained.
His face was red and lumpy like he slept in a hive of African killer bees.
"Bears do like honey a lot. Perhaps Hephaestus is secretly a bear!" Hermes said.
But his upper body was strong and healthy. He had clever hands and keen intelligence.
Hephaestus smirked proudly.
As the young god grew, he developed a talent for building and crafting, just like the Elder Cyclopes.
"What's with smiths and uglyness?" Apollo wondered.
Give the kid a bucket of Legos—come back in an hour, and he's made a functioning long-range ballistic missile.
"Yep. You never noticed my creation!" Hephaestus said, showing his flaming hammer. "I innovated this beauty when I was growing up second time!"
Good thing Thetis didn't want to take over the world. All she wanted was jewelry.
"Thank you, Thetis!" Frank whispered.
She put Hephaestus to work making intricate gold necklaces, fancy bracelets of pearl and coral, and neon crowns that lit up and displayed various messages like HAPPY NEW YEAR and YOUR AD HERE,
"Those were attractive." Aphrodite said.
so that she always had the nicest bling whenever she went to parties.
"Message displaying neon crowns? They rock!" Leo said. "I made one for myself, it dsplays 'All the ladies luv Leo.' "
"More like all the ladies luv to kick Leo's ass?" Thalia suggested.
Hephaestus spent nine years under the ocean as Thetis's personal blacksmith. He enjoyed the work and loved his foster mother, but always in the back of his mind, he wanted revenge on Hera.
"Woohooo!" Annabeth cheered.
In his spare time, he worked on a special piece of furniture—
"Thrones?" Athena asked.
a dangerous gift for his dangerous mother—
"Very fitting gift." Poseidon said. "Beautiful but dangerous, just like her."
and dreamed of the day he could return to Olympus.
"And have his sweet revenge." Nico said.
Finally he finished his project and told Thetis good-bye.
"Time to play the game!" Apollo sang.
"Beloved foster mother." Hephaestus knelt at her feet, which wasn't easy,
"Awwww!" Hestia beamed. "Someone loves his foster mother!"
since his legs were twisted and withered and encased in golden braces.
"Ok. Never mind." Hestia crossed her arms.
"I must return home and take my place among the gods."
"And eat lots of honey." Hermes said.
Thetis had always suspected this day would come, but she cried anyway.
"She must have loved him, no matter what." Hera hung her head in shame. And she was the goddess of motherhood!
"They will not appreciate you," she warned. "They will only judge you by the way you look."
"Mama's fears for her little boy!" Demeter said.
"Then they are fools," Hephaestus said. "I don't care what anyone thinks. My mother threw me away. She must pay for that insult."
"I don't approve revenge." Hestia shook her head.
Thetis couldn't argue. She wished Hephaestus luck, and the god embarked on his journey to Olympus.
"Man on the job! Or is it god?" Frank asked while giving a thumbs up.
He rode a donkey up the mountain, because he liked donkeys.
"Me too!" Hestia squealed. "Fancy a race?"
"What's with fire gods and donkeys?" Nico asked.
Athena narrowed her eyes a littlebit.
They were ugly and stubborn, comical, but strong and sturdy. Hephaestus could relate to that. And if you underestimated or mistreated a donkey, you were likely to get your teeth kicked in.
"Or a Satyr, if you called them having legs of donkeys." Grover said.
Behind Hephaestus plodded an entire caravan of pack mules, loaded with special gifts for the gods.
"He seems like a younger version of Santa Claus." Poseidon said. "Can't we rename the chapter like, I don't know; Hephaestus becomes the christmas spirit?"
Hephaestus rode straight into the Olympian throne room, and the other gods fell silent in amazement.
"I taught him that!" Ares said.
"Who is that?" asked Ares.
"You don't even know me before that!" Hephaestus countered.
Hera made a strangled sound in the back of the throat. "It can't be."
"Karma is a bi-" Apollo met Artemis' glare.
"I meam a female dog." He mumbled.
"Mother!" Hephaestus grinned. "It's me, Hephaestus!"
"And Hera was like, 'I have never met this man in my life!' " Leo grinned.
Zeus choked on his nectar. "Did he just call you Mother?"
"I was honestly surprised." Zeus said.
Hephaestus climbed off his donkey, his leg braces creaking. "Oh, did she not mention me, Father?"
"Apparently, no." Hermes said.
(Actually, Zeus wasn't really his father, since Hera had created the baby all by herself; but Hephaestus decided not to dwell on the technicalities.)
"Dealing with technicalities doesn't make sense in Olympian family." Jason said. "If we count technicalities, I'm dating my first cousin once removed. Percy and Tyson are many times great uncles of Frank. And of course, Alecto is your great aunt, Percy." He reminded.
"Blech!" Percy said and stuck his tongue towards Jason.
"Probably just an oversight." Hephaestus smiled grotesquely. "You see, Hera dropped me from Mount Olympus when I was a baby. But rest easy. As you can tell, dear parents, I survived!"
"And yada yada." Dionysus said.
"Oh," Hera said. "How…nice."
"Someone isn't much pleased!" Apollo teased.
Hephaestus told his story about growing up at the bottom of the sea. "And I brought presents!" He unpacked the big bundles from his mules.
"Popcorn, tart, lemon juice, cereal, puddings, cookies,ice cream and apples for those who are suffering from lactose intolerance!" Hermes grinned.
"Really?" Frank asked.
"New thrones for everyone!"
"Its very easy to fool Ares and Mars demigods." Hermes smirked. Ares and Frank glared at him.
"Thrones!" Ares leaped up and danced with excitement.
"He must really love his little throne." Poseidon chuckled.
The other gods were a little more wary, but they got pretty psyched when they saw Hephaestus's workmanship.
"They were perfect." Athena said. Hephaestus smiled at her.
Zeus got a solid gold seat with cup holders on the arms, lumbar support, and a built-in rack for lightning bolts.
"Which made his day." Poseidon said.
Demeter's throne was shaped from gold and silver cornstalks.
"And proud looking." Demeter boasted.
Poseidon got a sea captain's chair with a place for his trident and his fishing pole.
"Bet Poseidon loved the seat." Zeus smirked.
Ares's iron throne was upholstered in leather with lots of uncomfortable spikes and barbed wire on the armrests.
"That way, we can ensure he's not up to violence. His arms were bound to armrests invisibly." Hermes winked.
"We know you're lying." Demigods and satyr said.
Hermes smirked mischievously.
"I love it," Ares said. "Is this Corinthian leather?"
"Mortal skin, actually," Hephaestus said.
"Disgusting!" Piper said, gagging.
Ares got teary-eyed. "This is the nicest gift…I—I can't even…"
"He is really emotional, isn't he?" Nico asked.
"He's a big softie like Tyson." Annabeth joked.
All of the gods' new thrones were fully adjustable with wheels, so in no time the Olympians were rolling around the palace and spinning in their seats.
"Like little kids." Frank said.
"You made these?" Apollo ran his hand along the back of his chair, which was shaped like a giant harp. "They're awesome!"
"One of Apollo's true loves were musical instruments. I took some advantage of it, naturally." Hermes whispered.
"Yep," Hephaestus said. "I'm the god of blacksmiths and craftsmen. I can make pretty much anything." He smiled at Hera.
"Which makes him very important." Athena nodded.
"Mother, you're not trying your throne?"
"Aww, why so sweet, Hephaestus?" Aphrodite asked.
Hera stood next to her new chair, which made of adamantine—a super-strong metal that glittered translucent white, sort of a cross between silver and diamonds. The throne was the most beautiful thing Hera had ever seen, but she was afraid to sit on it.
"And with good reasons." Hera mumbled. "I was wrong to judge you by your looks."
"You apologised to me long ago. Drop it, I'm not bitter as much as I was before the ritual." Hephaestus said.
She couldn't believe Hephaestus was being so friendly to her.
"Hera is smarter than we give her credit for." Demeter said.
Nevertheless, all the other gods were spinning across the room, having a great time, so finally she relented.
"Much similar to a kid wanting a swing because she sees others play with swing." Hermes said.
"Very well, my…er, my son. The throne is beautiful."
"But dangerous." Hazel said.
She sat down. Immediately invisible cables lashed around her so tightly, she couldn't breathe.
"Not a problem." Dionysus said. Other gods gave him odd looks. "What? We're really immortal! Not a specie with long lifespan as some mortal movies portray!"
"Agghhh," she gasped.
She tried to change shape. No luck.
"Teleportation?" Nico asked.
"Proof." Hephaestus said.
The more she resisted, the more the cables tightened. She tried to relax. The invisible cables squeezed until her face turned pale, her eyes bugged out, and all the ichor in her body pooled in her hands and feet.
"Poor Hera." Hestia said sadly. "I don't approve your method of taking revenge, Hephaestus. You could have been the better man."
"Mother?" Ares asked. "Why are you so sitting so still? And why are your hands and feet swelling up and glowing gold?"
"I'm the war god! Of course I know why! If you made me look like a mediocre another time, I'll rip that book, and make you eat piece by piece, of course after reading the wretched book!"
"You can try." Poseidon grip around his trident was tightened.
Hera could only whimper, "Help."
"Get help!" Leo yelled.
The gods turned to Hephaestus.
"Confession time!" Apollo said.
"All right," Zeus grumbled. "What did you do?"
"Nothing much. Pressed a secret switch." Hephaestus said.
Hephaestus raised his bushy eyebrows.
" Congratulations! You and Hermione are related." Nico said to Leo.
"Why, Father, I thought you'd approve. You'll have a much quieter wife now.
"That's elysium to Zeus." Poseidon said.
In fact, she'll never get out of that chair again."
"To kil or curse Zeus' lovers." Hades said.
Hera squeaked in alarm.
"You threw me away," Hephaestus reminded her. "I was ugly and crippled, so you tossed me off the mountain. I want you to suffer for that, dear mother. Think about all the things I could've made for you if you'd treated me well.
"Buurrrrn! Dad is flaminng hoooot!" Leo cheered.
Then maybe you'll understand that you threw away something valuable.
Hera hung her head in shame.
You should never judge a god by the way he looks."
"A good life lesson." Hestia said.
With that, Hephaestus limped over to his donkey and saddled up to leave.
"That's hardcore!" Ares said.
None of the other gods tried to stop him. Maybe they were worried that their own thrones would explode, or their seats would sprout Vitamix blender blades.
"That would be the best drink for the titan lord and our dear grandpa Kronos." Nico said. "Freshly made godly juice!"
Grover gagged.
Hephaestus journeyed down to the mortal world and set up shop in one of the Greek cities. There he made horseshoes, nails, and other simple stuff that wouldn't require much thought.
"Is he going to live happily ever after?" Hazel asked.
He had hoped his revenge would make him feel better, but it hadn't.
"Which teaches us that revenge is pointless." Hestia said.
He felt even emptier and angrier than before.
"Agree with Hestia there." Hephaestus said, smiling at Hestia. Hestia flashed a smile back at him.
Meanwhile in Olympus, the other gods got tired of listening to Hera whimper. They tried everything to free her—bolt cutters, lightning, bacon grease, WD-40. Nothing worked.
"WD-40 would have worked, if it ever existed." Hermes said.
Finally Zeus said, "Enough is enough. Ares, go find your brother Hephaestus and convince him to release your mother."
"Ares is to rescue!" Frank cheered.
Ares smiled cruelly. "Oh, I'll convince him, all right."
"Not in a good way." Piper said.
Ares readied his war chariot. He donned his burning golden armor, got his bloody spear, and his shield that dripped gore. His sons Phobos and Deimos hitched up the fire-breathing horses, and off they went.
"Ares surely knows to make an entrance." Annabeth said.
They rode through the city of mortals, causing panic, trampling everyone in their path. They burst into the courtyard of Hephaestus's blacksmith shop, where the crippled god was repairing a teapot.
"Man! The war god is coming for you and only you did was repairing a tea pot? You got to be kidding me!" Apollo chuckled.
The horses reared and breathed fire. Phobos and Deimos unleashed waves of pure terror that caused sixty-five heart attacks in the surrounding neighborhood.
"You were surrounded by Ares and thugs! No so please, surrender now!" Leo announced.
Ares leveled his spear at Hephaestus. "YOU WILL FREE HERA!"
"Mama's boy." Poseidon joked.
Hephaestus glanced up. "Go away, Ares." He kept hammering on his teapot.
"And Hephaestus gives no shit at all!" Hermes grinned.
Phobos and Deimos exchanged confused looks.
"Haven't seen someone have guts to ignore your daddy?" Demeter teased.
Ares's spear wavered. He'd been expecting a different reaction.
"He's afraid, or confused." Dionysus said.
He tried again. "FREE HERA OR FACE MY WRATH!"
"Yeah, we face your wrath every single day." Apollo said
His horses blew fire all over Hephaestus, but the flames only tickled him.
"Did I forgot to tell that I'm god of fire too?" Hephaestus asked.
The blacksmith god sighed. "Ares, first of all, I don't respond well to threats.
"Anyone with a spine doesn't." Artemis said.
Secondly, do you think you're strong because you fight a lot? Try working in a forge all day. Threaten me again, and I'll show you strong." Hephaestus flexed his arms and chest, which rippled with muscles.
"How about a body building contest?" Hermes asked.
"I'm winning, definitely." Apollo said, giving a radiant smille.
"Thirdly," he continued, "I'm the god of fire. I have to be, since I melt metal for a living. I've forged iron and bronze weapons in the heart of underwater volcanoes, so don't try to scare me with your little ponies."
"Man! He's cool!" Poseidon said. "He was my favourite nephew for a reason."
Hephaestus waved toward Ares like he was shooing away a fly.
"Such biased against Ares, Percy?" Piper teased.
A wall of fire roared from the ground and washed over the war god's chariot. When the flames died, the horses' manes were seared off. The chariot's wheels had flattened into ovals. Phobos's and Deimos's helmets were melted onto their heads like fried eggs, and their skin was covered in a fine layer of charcoal.
"Total destruction. Yippie!" Dionysus said.
Ares's armor steamed. The beautiful crest of his war helmet was smoldering.
"Ares totally got his ass kicked!" Hermes said.
"Last chance," Hephaestus said. "Go away."
Ares turned and fled, his chariot ka-chunk ka-chunking on its lopsided wheels, leaving a definite smell of charbroiled war god in the air.
"Just like Roman soldiers in Asterix." Nico said.
The Olympians tried different tactics to convince Hephaestus to free his mother. They sent different ambassadors.
"They do that." Jason said.
Hephaestus would not be persuaded.
Up on Olympus, Zeus spread his hands and sighed. "Well, I guess Hera will have to stay on that cursed throne forever."
"She would have been faded by now." Apollo said.
"Mrpphh!" said Hera, her face flushing gold with ichor.
Audiance gave sympathetic looks at Hera.
Then the most unlikely hero stepped forward
"Who?" Hazel asked.
—Dionysus, the god of wine.
Demigods gave curious looks at Dionysus. They couldn't believe he was...well...
"I'm a generous guy!" Dionysus shrugged, as if it's nothing.
"Don't worry," he said. "I can handle Hephaestus."
"I'm curious. Did he hypnotized him?" Frank asked..
The other gods looked at him.
"You?" Ares demanded. "What will you do? Threaten Hephaestus with a nice Chardonnay?"
"I don't mind some nice Chardonnay." Hephaestus said.
Dionysus smiled. "You'll see."
"Welcome to evil genius league. I'm the leader of team, Aphrodite." Aphrodite greeted.
Dionysus flew down to the earth. He started hanging around the blacksmith shop. He didn't make any demands on Hephaestus.
"Indirect approach. Good Dionysus, very good." Athena praised.
He didn't threaten or lay on any guilt trips. He just chatted, told funny stories, and acted friendly.
"He has a good plan, it seems.." Hazel said.
Now, my experience with Mr. D has been pretty different, but apparently he could be pretty charming when he wanted to be.
"What did you say Peter Jefferson? I'm very charming!" Dionysus said. "Ask the campers. Most of them claim otherwise because they're jealous of me!"
He had once been a mortal guy and had only recently become a god, so he wasn't high and mighty like some of the other Olympians.
"We had our influence on him." Hermes grinned. "Now he is!"
He didn't mind slumming with humans and ugly blacksmiths. He got along with Hephaestus just fine.
"Here." Hephaestus handed Dionysus a purple shirt. 'Best buddies forever' was written in middle of the shirt. Hephaestus wore another, but this was an orange shirt. Dionysus put the shirt on him.
After weeks hanging out together, Dionysus said, "Man, you are working too hard. You need a break!"
"I like work," Hephaestus muttered.
"Someone's hiding something!" Hestia cooed.
The truth was, blacksmithing took his mind off his pain. Despite his successful revenge against Hera, Hephaestus couldn't get rid of his anger and bitterness. He was still an outcast god, no happier than he'd been before.
"I don't understand." Ares frowned. "Revenge is sweet! Why he isn't happy?"
"I'm gonna take you out tonight," Dionysus said.
"Looks like Dionysus is Nico's type." Percy joked.
"We'll hit the taverns and I'll introduce you to this thing I created. It's called wine."
"What's wine?" Grover asked sarcastically.
"Those aren't good for Satyrs." Annabeth chided.
Hephaestus scowled. "It is a machine?"
"Man, you were just being asked out, and you ask that?" Apollo began to laugh. "You got to be kidding me! What your date would say?" He choked between laughter.
Dionysus's eyes twinkled. "Well…it has its uses. You'll see."
"Wine and Dionysus. Machines and Hephaestus. Another two loves. Is this a double date?" Piper asked.
"Hephine and Dione. Yes, I think so." Aphrodite said.
Now, kids…wine is alcohol. That's a drink for grown-ups.
"Riiight!" Hermes grinned mischievously. Hera, Hestia and Athena gave him glares.
Gee, Mr. Percy Jackson, you say, can't we have some wine?
"Nope. You're underage." Jason said.
No, no, kids. Wine is dangerous. I don't want any of you to drink alcohol until you're at least thirty-five years old.
"Last I checked, it was 21." Apollo said.
"Stop, Apollo. Percy being sweet!" Annabeth smiled. "Once in a blue moon!"
"I like blue." Percy said. Annabeth shook her head.
Even then, you should get a doctor's note and your parents' permission, drink responsibly (like one swig a month), and never operate heavy machinery while under the influence!
"Well noted, Jackson." Leo said.
Okay…I think that covers my legal bases. On with the story.
That night, Dionysus took Hephaestus out drinking. In no time, Hephaestus was crying into his cup, pouring out his life story to Dionysus.
"Sometimes drinks work perfectly. Harry took Slughorn's memories by making him drunk." Nico said.
"Nico, how could you!" Leo said in an outraged (mocking) voice. "You're not old enough!"
"Technically, I'm more than 80 years old, young man." Nico smirked.
"I—I love you, man," Hephaestus sobbed.
"I love you too!" Piper imitated Dionysus.
"Playing to the same team, are we?" Poseidon teased.
"Its Hephnysus time!" Aphrodite squealed.
No one was looking at Athena's heated face.
"Nobody else understands me. Well…except these guys." Hephaestus pointed to his bowl of salted peanuts.
"This is why I don't drink." Jason said.
"Even water?!" Grover asked.
"Nah, he is a rare specimen of those little bears in Australia. Koala or something?" Leo said.
"They understand me. But…but nobody else."
"Yeah, those little peanuts were very understanding." Piper said.
"Mmm." Dionysus nodded sympathetically. "It must have been hard, living at the bottom of the sea, cast away by your own mother."
"Is it?" Poseidon asked. "I was gulped by my father, which basically means he casted me away, and yet I live at the bottom of the sea."
"Well, you had no love for father, but Hephaestus surely loved Hera, even if she threw him away." Demeter pointed out.
"You've got no idea. It was…" Hephaestus sniffled, searching for the right word. "It was hard."
"Even smarter gods become dumb after drinks." Athena said. "This is why I never drink!"
"Exactly," Dionysus said. "You know what would make you feel better?"
"More wine?" Piper asked.
"More wine?" Hephaestus guessed.
"Pipes, stay on the ground. You're not a genius even if you think like dad!" Leo said.
"Well, possibly. But also, to forgive."
Hestia brightly smiled.
"What, now?"
"Hera can be a witch," said Dionysus.
"I will let this slide once." Hera whispered dangerously. "If I ever hear you calling me some other name..."
Dionysus gulped.
"Believe me, I know. But we're a family, we gods. We have to stick together."
Gods and goddesses nodded. (Even Ares.)
"Drinking awakes your inner philosopher." Dionysus said.
Hephaestus glared cross-eyed into his cup. "She threw me out like a bad spark plug."
"Write an essay on the topic of 'I'm a bad spark plug.' " Apollo said.
"I'm not sure what that is," Dionysus said.
"Of course you wouldn't." Hephaestus mumbled.
"But still, you can't hold a grudge forever.
"You can hold it a long time." Zeus, Poseidon and Hades said.
If you bottle it up, well…even the finest wine eventually turns to vinegar. Did your revenge make you feel any better?"
"Clever, very clever." Athena muttered. "Manipulating him very nicely."
"Not really." Hephaestus scowled. "I need more wine."
"No," Dionysus said firmly,
The audiance gaped and looked at Dionysus in surprise.
which really wasn't like him, refusing somebody a drink.
"That's what I thought." Hermes said.
"You need to go back to Olympus with me right now and let Hera go. Be the good guy. Show everyone you're better than her."
Hestia smiled widely.
Hephaestus grumbled and muttered and cursed his bowl of peanuts,
"What did those poor guys do?" Aphrodite asked. "I thought they were the only one who understood you?"
but he decided Dionysus was right.
"He is." Demeter nodded.
He rode back to Mount Olympus on his donkey—which was really dangerous, because he could've been pulled over for DWI
"DWI? What's that?" Nico asked.
(donkey while intoxicated).
"Never mind." Nico groaned.
Fortunately he got there safely, Dionysus walking at his side.
"Can't leave you, love!" Piper said dramatically.
Hephaestus approached Hera, and the other gods gathered around.
"To see what will he do." Zeus said.
"Mother, I forgive you," Hephaestus said. "I will let you go, but you have to promise: no more tossing babies away. Everybody has gifts, no matter what they look like. Do you agree?"
"I think Percy likes this too much. Is that because his monkey face?" Thalia asked.
"For your knowledge, i don't flaunt my handsomeness with others." Percy retorted.
"Cough, Annabeth. Cough." Piper said.
"Mrhph," said Hera.
"Is that a yes?" Hades asked.
Hephaestus hit the secret deactivation switch on the back of the throne, and Hera was freed.
"Yay!" Demeter cheered.
According to some stories, Hephaestus demanded a price for letting Hera go.
"False!" Hephaestus said.
Supposedly Poseidon (who hated Athena) suggested that Hephaestus ask Zeus for the wisdom goddess's hand in marriage,
"Percy?" Poseidon asked. "I never said him anything like that."
and that's why Hephaestus went chasing after her in the infamous handkerchief incident.
"Mortals sometimes have stupid theories and reasonings." Artemis said.
I can't confirm that. Personally, I think Hephaestus just got tired of holding a grudge against his mom. Afterward, he and Dionysus stayed pretty good friends,
Dionysus and Hephaestus gave each others thumbs ups.
and Hephaestus and Hera set aside their resentment.
Hera nodded.
In fact, the next time Hephaestus got into trouble, it was for helping his mom.
"Sayth whaaaa?" Leo asked.
Fast-forward to when the gods rebelled against Zeus. As you might recall (or maybe not), once Zeus got free, he punished the rebel scum.
"Still there is one to be punished." Zeus said, looking at Athena.
Apollo and Poseidon lost their immortality for a while.
"Which was bad." Said gods said.
Hera got tied up and hung over the abyss.
"Which was worse than that." Hera said fearfully. "It was terrible. Every single second, I thought I would fall and fade."
During all that, Hephaestus hadn't taken sides. He thought the rebellion was a stupid idea,
"Because father always bounces back." Hephaestus added.
but nobody bothered to ask his opinion.
"Why bothering? They had Athena in their side." Hermes said.
As a result, Zeus didn't punish him. Still, the blacksmith god didn't approve of his mom getting tied up and dangled over the abyss like live bait.
"No matter what, I love you." Hephaestus said to Hera.
Hera's eyes were wet with tears, as she spoke."I love you too."
Both of them smiled at each others.
Hephaestus could hear her screaming day and night. It annoyed him that Zeus could bind Hera and nobody objected, but when Hephaestus had tied her up, everybody acted like he was a horrible villain.
"I had no idea." Zeus said. "I'm sorry, son."
And maybe, just maybe, Hephaestus was starting to love his mom just a little—at least enough not to want to see her hanging over the maw of Chaos.
"No one deserved that." Hephaestus said.
One night he couldn't stand it anymore. He got out of bed, grabbed his tool kit, and went to save his mom.
"Hephaestus on the job!" Apollo grinned.
With the help of some grappling hooks, a safety harness, a tree trimmer, some rope, and of course some duct tape,
"How can he forget duct tapes?" Leo said.
he managed to cut her down and haul her to safety.
"That's a big feat." Demeter said.
Hera was incredibly grateful. She sobbed and hugged Hephaestus and promised never to call him ugly or disgusting again.
"Aww!" Audiance cooed.
Zeus was less than pleased.
"That's king Zeus for you!" Grover imitated sir Gwaine.
When he found out what had happened, he marched into Hephaestus's room with electricity crackling around him and his face as dark as a thundercloud.
"Drama queen!" Poseidon and Hades muttered.
"WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?!" Zeus bellowed. "You will learn to respect my authority!"
"That's why Harry Potter's scar took a lightning shape!" Nico gasped. "He didn't respect authority figures..much!"
Most dads would just yell a lot, or ground you, or take away your Xbox.
"Zeus' A+ parenting. Another new tag for ao3; or is it being used now?" Aphrodite asked.
Zeus grabbed Hephaestus by the ankle, yanked him off his feet, and dragged him to the nearest window.
"The battle strategy against Hephaestus was his legs. Was." Athena said.
Now, Hephaestus was strong, but his legs were weak. Once he was off-balance, he couldn't defend himself very well.
"The keywords are 'were' and 'was', thanks to me." Apollo boasted.
Also, Zeus was swole. He did like six hours of upper-body stuff in the gym every week.
"Very old, but still fit." Zeus said, showing off his muscles.
He yelled, "Sayonara, Tool Guy!"
"Apollo took Zeus with him to Japan. Guess they both picked up some bad habits from there." Artemis said.
Fortunately for the audiance, Apollo didn't hear that.
and flung Hephaestus right off the mountain—again.
"Not agaaaaain!" Nico yelled.
It took Hephaestus an entire day to fall, which gave him plenty of time to contemplate why he'd ended up with such horrible parents.
"Well, life is a female dog. Err, sometimes." Hermes said.
Finally he hit the earth on the island of Lemnos with a huge kablam!
"Seaweed brain!" Annabeth slapped back of Percy's head lightly.
The impact didn't do much for his deformed body or his crippled legs or his ugly face.
"I don't want to remember that." Hephaestus grimaced.
He broke every bone in his immortal body and lay there for a long time, unable to do anything but experience blinding, burning, mind-searing pain.
"And for your bad luck, I was a mortal back then." Apollo said.
Eventually he was discovered by a tribe called the Sintians, some non-Greek folks who made a living as pirates along the Aegean coast.
Athena narrowed her eyes. Those people were no goodies.
They had a bad reputation among the Greeks, but they were kind to Hephaestus. They carried him to their village and cared for him as best they could.
Athena's glare loosened. Who knew those...barbarians can be kind and do good things?
Because of that, Hephaestus became their patron god. He set up a new workshop on Lemnos, which became his main headquarters.
"A workshop with all kinds of equipments!" Hephaestus said happily.
For centuries afterward, Greeks visited Lemnos to see the spot where Hephaestus fell to earth the second time.
"To remember and laugh?" Hera's eyes narrowed.
They believed that the soil from the crash site had amazing healing properties, maybe because of all the godly ichor that had soaked into the ground.
"Once again, you're absolutely incorrect." Apollo said to Hera. "I want to take some Lemnos soil samples too."
A little Lemnos mud on your skin, and your bruises would fade. Your wounds would heal. The soil was even supposed to cure snake poison.
"Not mine!" George said fondly.
"Not the moment, George!" Martha deadpanned.
"Shush. Back to the iphone!" Hermes deadpanned.
"You're no fun, Hermes." George said as they sunk back to iPhone.
So next time you're bitten by a cobra, don't worry!
"Because I always have a bag of Lemnos soil for emergencies!" Grover said.
Just book a flight to Lemnos and eat a bunch of dirt. You'll be fine.
"That takes time, and we'll be dead during the flight." Jason said. "Oh wait, you have to sail. Zeus wouldn't be happy if you took a flight."
Hephaestus healed. Eventually he made his way back to Olympus. After that, Zeus and he were wary of each other, but they both pretended the Sayonara, Tool Guy incident never happened.
"Not to make a scene again, I guess." Frank said.
I guess Zeus was sorry he had overreacted, and Hephaestus didn't want to push his luck. He was getting really tired of being thrown off the mountain.
"You can buy some flying shoes of mine." Hermes said. "I wouldn't mind unless you haven't paid enough."
Hephaestus spent most of his time at his various workshops on Lemnos, or under the ocean, or on other islands dotted across the Mediterranean.
"Perfect locations." Poseidon grinned.
Wherever you saw a volcano bubbling and smoking and spewing lava, there was a good chance Hephaestus was in residence, heating up his forges.
"God of volcanoes. Perfect proof that he is Hera's son." Annabeth said.
Because he used volcanoes to power his workshops, Hephaestus was the god of volcanoes. In fact, the word volcano comes from his Roman name, Vulcanus, or Vulcan.
"When he is angry, volcanoes explode." Hades said.
And, no, he's not one of those pointy-eared dudes from Star Wars.
"Star trek!" Leo yelled in an outraged voice.
Or is it Star Trek? I can't keep that stuff straight.
"That's what we thought." Nico said.
His sacred animal was the donkey, of course, but he also liked dogs.
"Another similarity of Daedalus and Hephaestus." Percy said.
His favorite bird was the crane, probably because it had weird skinny legs that didn't match the rest of its body, kind of like a certain blacksmith.
"When you put it that way..agreed." Hazel said.
Mostly, Hephaestus was known for his craftsmanship. Read those old Greek writers
"Nooooo!" Leo moaned.
and they go on and on for pages about every shield or piece of armor Hephaestus made, describing every color and decoration, what size grommets he used, how many nails and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Poseidon shoot water at Percy. He didn't get wet, but he gave his dad an odd look.
"Hope you would wake up." Poseidon grinned sheepishly.
Sorry. I fell asleep just thinking about it.
I'll just give you the basics, but Hephaestus did do nice work. He made thrones for all the gods, and most of them weren't even booby-trapped!
"Keyword is 'most'." Athena said. "You haven't booby trapped my throne, have you?" She asked.
Hephaestus chuckled mischeivously.
He made a fleet of magical tripods—three-legged tables that had wheels on their feet and raced around Mount Olympus, bringing people drinks and hors d'oeuvres and whatever.
"I'm inventing those." Leo said in a determined voice. "If I haven't already." He scratched back of his head.
If you were staying in Mount Olympus and said, "Now, where did I put my iPhone?" pretty soon one of the tripods would come puttering up to you, open its drawer, and there would be your phone.
"They're very useful." Athena said. "I always appreciate those. They help me in library."
Hephaestus proudly smiled.
Kind of handy, those little guys.
Hephaestus also made the best armor and weapons. Sure, the Elder Cyclopes and the telkhines were good craftsmen, but nobody could touch the blacksmith god.
"Aye!" Hephaestus raised an arm.
Hercules, Achilles, all the greatest Greek heroes? They only used Hephaestus-brand equipment. I don't even think Hephaestus paid them an endorsement fee.
"They worshipped him for those." Hera said.
He made chariots for the Olympians with better suspension, all-wheel drive, rotating blades on the wheels, and all kinds of optional upgrade packages. He designed everything from jewelry to palaces.
"I'm the MVP, but Hephaestus is the MVP for those things." Apollo said.
He made this one guy, the king of Chios, an entire underground mansion like a secret bunker.
"Iron fortress. For Oenopian, when Orion was in a rage to kill him." Hephaestus said.
But Hephaestus's specialty was automatons—mechanical creatures that were basically the first robots.
"Can you make cars like transformers?" Nico asked. Hephaestus chuckled.
In Hephaestus's workshop, he had a bunch of mechanical women assistants made out of gold.
"Why women?" Hazel asked.
He crafted four of those for Apollo's temple, too, so they could sing Apollo's praises in four-part harmony.
"Which made my ears sour." Artemis said.
For King Alcinous, Hephaestus made a pair of metal guard dogs—one gold and one silver—that were smarter and more vicious than real dogs.
"Like Aurum and Argentum?" Jason grinned.
For King Laomedon, he made a golden vine that actually grew.
"For compensation of his son. Zeus presented him that." Poseidon said. He haven't forgot Laomedon.
For King Minos, he made a giant metal soldier named Talos, who patrolled the borders of the palace day and night.
"For his mother, actually." Hephaestus said.
Metal horses, metal bulls, metal people. You name it.
"Metal Percy Jacksons?" Leo asked.
If I ever become a king,
"In your dreams." Thalia said.
I'm totally going to ask him for an army of giant golden acid-spitting llamas.
"Why do you ask for llamas?" Hazel asked.
"Cause I'm batman!" Percy exclaimed.
Okay, sorry. I got distracted again.
Next I should probably tell you how Hephaestus reacted when he found out his wife, Aphrodite, was cheating on him.
"Not this!" Three of them groaned.
It's kind of a sad story, and no llamas are involved, but Aphrodite and Ares do get badly humiliated,
"Yes, we were." Aphrodite and Ares said.
which is always a good thing.
"Percy!" Annabeth deadpanned.
Aphrodite had never wanted to marry Hephaestus. The goddess of love was all about looks,
"Wrong!" Aphrodite exclaimed. "I could have easily charmed Apollo or Poseidon then, both were better looking than Ares. But our love was at the first sight."
She turned towards Hephaestus." We didn't know how to tell you about this. I-" she bit back a sob. "I didn't want to break your heart. You were trying all to be a good husband. Being wild is my nature, so we had two children. And was caught by you when we were getting to intimate."
"I have thrown the whole thing away from my memory." Hephaestus said, after a heavy sigh. "I had my eyes on another goddess, our marraige was forced upon us."
and Hephaestus didn't have any.
Hephaestus tried to be a good husband. It didn't matter. As soon as they were married, Aphrodite started having an affair with the war god Ares,
"For love." Piper said. "Can't you stop being biased for a minute when it comes to the list of your disliking gods?"
and it seemed like Hephaestus was the only one who didn't know about it.
"Yeah, they were giving goo goo eyes at each other in the council and out, so who wouldn't notice?" Hermes asked.
Why was he so clueless? I don't know.
"Because he is interested in another." Aphrodite flashed a smile at Athena's direction.
Maybe he wanted to believe Aphrodite could love him.
"I tried to forget Ares too." Aphrodite said.
Maybe he figured if he did the right thing, she would. Sure, he noticed that all the other gods were whispering and snickering behind his back, but Hephaestus was used to that.
'The other gods' looked very uncomfortable.
He started to suspect something was wrong when Aphrodite had her first child. Hephaestus had been expecting the baby to be crippled like him, or at least have some of his features—the misshapen head, the warty face, perhaps a beard.
"That doesn't work that way." Apollo said. "A child of you and Aphrodite; and I meant previously, should be weak, but no harm for their features."
But the baby boy, Eros, was perfect—handsome and fit. He also bore a striking resemblance to Ares.
"Yes, I've seen that side of him." Nico muttered.
Huh, Hephaestus thought. That's weird.
"Not weird if you knew." Athena said.
Aphrodite's next child was a girl named Harmonia, and again she looked absolutely nothing like Hephaestus.
"Not your child too." Hermes said.
The blacksmith started to get uncomfortable. Every time he referred to Harmonia as "my daughter," the other gods looked like they were trying not to laugh.
"Sorry Hephaestus." The gods said.
And why did Aphrodite and Ares keep giving each other knowing glances?
"Sorry dude." Ares said. Hephaestus gave him an odd look. "What? Can't I be decent?"
Finally the sun Titan Helios took pity on Hephaestus. Helios saw everything from his sun chariot
"Chick magnet?" Leo asked.
chick magnet
"I remembered." Leo puffed his chest.
up in the sky—even stuff he didn't want to see—
"You can sense. But you get the choice to see."Apollo said. "For an example, I can sense whenever Percy is going to pee when I'm on the sun chariot, but I choose not to look, because he's singing in the bathroom."
so of course he'd witnessed Aphrodite and Ares being way more than "just friends."
"Smooth, Percy. Very smooth." Frank said.
One night he pulled Hephaestus aside and said, "Dude, there's no easy way to tell you this. Your wife is cheating on you."
"He never told me anything of Persephone until I pressed." Demeter grumbled.
Hephaestus felt like he'd been hit in the face with a three-pound club hammer—one of the really nice ones with the fiberglass grip and the double-faced drop-forged steel head.
"Those can hurt. Really." Leo said.
"Cheating on me?" he asked. "Impossible!"
"Its Kimpossible." Piper said.
"Possible," Helios said grimly. "I saw them myself. Not that I was looking! But, well, they were kind of hard to miss."
"You need the intend to see! You were looking obviously!" Apollo said.
"You wouldn't even tell me Apollo. I know you." Hephaestus flashed a grin at him. Apollo chuckled.
The sun Titan explained that Aphrodite and Ares often sneaked into Hephaestus's apartment while the blacksmith god was working in the forges. Right there in his own bedroom, they got extremely naughty.
"They steal or something? Please, explain Percy." Thalia teased.
Hephaestus's heart felt like it was reforging itself. It melted with misery. It got super-heated with anger. Then it cooled and hardened into something stronger and sharper.
"Metal puns are the best." Leo said.
"Thanks for the tip," he told Helios.
"He's gonna do something harsh." Hazel said. "Really harsh."
"Anything I can do? You want me to give them a nasty sunburn?"
"That would have been a mercy." Aphrodite said.
"No, no," Hephaestus said. "I got this."
"Yeah, I second what Hazel said." Piper said.
Hephaestus returned to his forges and made a very special net. He created gold filaments as thin as spiderwebs but as strong as bridge cables. He enchanted them so that they would stick to whatever they caught, harden more quickly than cement, and hold their prey motionless.
"Perfect trap." Athena said.
He hobbled to his bedroom and wove the netting over the four tall bedposts so they hung like an invisible canopy. Then he put a pressure-activated trip wire across the sheets.
"So once they lie on the bed, the trap would be activated." Hermes grinned.
He limped into the living room, where Aphrodite was reading the latest steamy romance novel.
"Typical Aphrodite." Demeter said.
"Honey, I'm going to Lemnos!" Hephaestus announced. "I may be there for a few days."
"Yeah, right." Jason snorted in disbelief.
"Oh?" Aphrodite looked up from her novel. "A few days, you say?"
"Few minutes?" Nico guessed.
"Yep. Miss you. Bye!"
Aphrodite grinned. "Okay. Have fun!"
"I never grinned, only smiled." Aphrodite frowned.
Hephaestus packed his toolbox, saddled the donkey, and headed out.
"Why heading out? I mean, he can stay home secretly, hiding under the bed or something?" Grover asked.
"Next few sentences will cure your curiosity, G-man. " Percy said.
Meanwhile, Ares was watching from a nearby balcony. Once the war god was satisfied that Hephaestus really was leaving for Lemnos, he rushed down to the blacksmith's apartment, where Aphrodite was waiting.
"Another lovely evening." Piper said sarcastically.
"Hey, baby," Ares said. "Miss me?"
"No, not really." Hermes said in a high pitched voice.
They retired to the bedroom, but they didn't have time to get very naughty.
"Trapped in the net, naked and afraid." Poseidon said.
As soon as they stripped down to their undies and jumped into bed, the trap was sprung.
"Like two insects in the web." Hermes' grin widened.
The golden net fell on them and stuck like flypaper. The two gods struggled and shrieked.
"Naked and afraid, you say?" Hades smirked darkly.
Seriously, Ares had a higher-pitched scream than Aphrodite.
"I roared. And if you discredit me anymore, Hades would see it to see you." Ares said, softly trailing his fingers on the blade of his knife.
But they were plastered to the bed, unable to move or change form.
"Like Hera, on her throne." Zeus said.
Hephaestus, who had doubled back, burst into the bedroom with an ax in his hands.
"It's a hammer." Hephaestus confirmed.
"Daddy's home," he snarled.
"Daddy-Daddy cool!" Apollo sang. Poseidon and Percy gave claps.
He contemplated getting all Kronos on them and turning the bedroom into a horror movie scene,
"You mean all Zeus too?" Poseidon asked. "And I think Hephaestus hadn't had the stomach."
but he decided against it. To Hephaestus's mind, there was nothing more shocking and embarrassing than leaving the lovers as they were—trapped in the act of cheating,
"That's righr. They live to be embarrassed." Athena said.
Aphrodite with her makeup smeared and her hair messed up, her limbs flattened awkwardly against the bed like she'd hit a car windshield.
"Exactly." Hermes said.
Screaming and whimpering next to her, Ares wore nothing but a pair of red socks and his G.I. Joe boxer shorts.
"G.I. Joe boxers!" Apollo bursted into laughter.
Hephaestus marched into the Olympian throne room, where the gods were assembling for lunch.
"Friday special, freshly caught Aphrodite and Ares." Leo said.
"Don't eat yet," he told everyone. "I have something to show you, and it'll probably make you hurl."
"He could have charged each god." Hermes said.
Intrigued, the gods followed him back to the bedroom, where they stared at the new piece of performance art Hephaestus had created.
"So, were we visiting the net?" Demeter asked.
"You see?" Hephaestus demanded. "This is what I get for trying to be a good husband. The moment I'm gone, these two start with their hanky-panky. My own wife hates me because I'm crippled and ugly,
"I didn't hate you." Aphrodite said in a broken voice.
so she sneaks around behind my back with—with this fool. It makes me sick. It makes me want to throw up. Isn't this the most disgusting thing you've ever seen?"
"Yes." Hestia said.
The other gods were silent. Hermes started trembling, trying to keep it together.
"At least I was trying." Hermes said.
Zeus said to himself, I'm not going to laugh. I'm not going to laugh.
"It was kinda funny." Zeus said.
"Not to us." Hephaestus, Ares and Aphrodite mumbled.
Then he caught Demeter's eye, and it was all over.
"Don't look into others' eyes when you try to restrain your laughter." Hermes adviced.
"BWA! BWA-HA!" He doubled over, chortling so hard, he thought his ribs would break. All the other gods joined in.
"G.I. Joe boxers!" Apollo screamed. "OH—oh, I can't even…HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Not so much difference than then." Artemis said, her voice was full with satisfaction.
"Aphrodite," Athena giggled. "You look simply lovely."
"Get it, lovely." Poseidon said.
The gods couldn't stop laughing. Soon they were rolling on the floor, wiping tears from their eyes, taking photos with their phones to post on Tumblr.
"And facebook, need I remind you?" Hermes said.
At first, Hephaestus was furious. He wanted to yell at them to take this seriously. He was in pain. He was humiliated!
"Alas, gods didn't take it seriously. They take it 'Siriusly'." Nico said.
Then he took a deep breath and realized: no, Aphrodite and Ares were humiliated. The other gods would be telling this tale for centuries.
"Time is different to us immortals. Its hot gossip even after centuries." Hera said.
Every time the two lovers walked into the throne room, the Olympians would smirk and try not to laugh, remembering Aphrodite's messed-up hair and Ares's stupid boxers and red socks.
"Those were the days." Demeter said.
Every time people told embarrassing stories at family get-togethers, this would be Embarrassing Story Number One.
"This is why most people dislike family gatherings." Percy said.
After a long time, the gods managed to collect themselves.
"Did they broke into pieces?" Hazel asked.
"Okay," Poseidon said, wiping his eyes. "That was hilarious. But you should let them go now, Hephaestus."
"Jokes has limits." Hermes said.
"No," Hephaestus grumbled. "Why not leave them here on permanent display?"
"War and love wouldn't happen in the world anymore." Frank said.
Zeus cleared his throat. "Hephaestus, I thought we'd decided not to tie each other up anymore. You've had your revenge. Now release them."
"Never!" Nico yelled in a dramatic voice.
Hephaestus glared at his father. "All right. Aphrodite can go…as soon as you repay all the gifts I made for her dowry.
"Dowry?" Hazel asked uncertainly.
"That would be explained in next sentences." Percy whispered.
I don't want her in my apartment anymore. I don't want her in my life. She's not worthy of being my wife."
"You're not worthy!" Leo imitated Odin.
Zeus turned pale.
"For simple dowry?" Poseidon asked.
Back in those days, if you wanted to marry a woman, you had to give her family a bunch of presents called a dowry.
"In some countries, bride's side give groom's side a dowry." Annabeth said.
Since Aphrodite didn't technically have a dad, Zeus had given her away,
"Which means he got some cool gadgets." Hades drawled.
which meant he got all the cool Hephaestus-made swag. If Hephaestus demanded the dowry back, that meant the marriage was over.
"And Zeus is in love with all those items which he got." Demeter said.
It also meant Zeus would have to give back the bronze toaster, the set of golf clubs, the plasma-screen TV, and a bunch of other fun toys.
"Fun toys? You can't mean?" Poseidon whispered.
"Yes! Those lego boxes!" Hera exclaimed. "Zeus played with them every night before he went to sleep."
"Uh…well," Zeus said, "I suppose Aphrodite could stay in the net."
"Echidna would do well as Zeus' next lover." Aphrodite mused. "All those sky monsters they can have."
"I'm really sorry Aphrodite!" Zeus said.
"Aha?" Aphrodite asked in non-concerned voice.
Zeus shuddered.
"Zeus!" Hera chided. She didn't like Aphrodite, but she also didn't approve of goddesses being imprisoned.
"Thank you, Hera." Aphrodite said.
"All right, all right," Zeus said. "Hephaestus can have the dowry back. Aphrodite is officially kicked out of Hephaestus's life."
"Yay, divorce!" Dionysus cheered.
"Is that Hephnysus talking?" Piper asked.
"Like she was ever in it," Hephaestus muttered.
"Nope, another goddess was already in it." Hermes teased.
Poseidon still looked troubled. Despite his past differences with Ares, the two of them usually got along okay.
"Destructive nature of both gods." Jason said.
He felt like he should speak up for the war god, since no one else would.
"Not even Hera." Poseidon said.
"You need to let Ares go too," Poseidon said. "It's only right."
"Thank you Poseidon. I guess." Ares mumbled with distaste.
"Right?" Hephaestus bellowed. "He made me a fool in my own bedroom, and you want to talk about right?"
"Look," Poseidon said, "I get it. But ask any price to settle the debt. I will personally vouch for Ares. He will pay it."
"Well, I can't be too generous." Poseidon said.
Ares made a whimpering sound, but he didn't dare object. The golden net was really starting to chafe his delicate skin.
"Yep, you pick up caring for the skin too much when you date Aphrodite." Nico said.
"All right," Hephaestus said. "If Poseidon guarantees payment, I'm good with that. I want a hundred wagonloads of the best armor, weapons, and war spoils from Ares's fortress, and I get to pick the stuff."
"That was a massive price." Ares grumbled.
That was a punishing price, because Ares loved his spoils of war, but he nodded in agreement.
"He didn't have any other options." Demeter stated.
Hephaestus let the two lovers go.
Ares and Aphrodite cheered.
As he expected, the story got told and retold around the Olympian dining table for centuries, so Ares and Aphrodite were the butt of everybody's jokes.
"For almost a thousand year." Zeus said.
Aphrodite and Hephaestus never lived together again. Were they technically divorced? I don't know.
"Yes." Hephaestus and Aphrodite said.
But it's not like they were ever married in anything but name.
They shook their heads.
Afterward, Hephaestus felt free to have relationships with other women. He had kids with a lot of them.
"Me!" Leo grinned.
Also, from then on he hated the children Aphrodite and Ares had had together, even if they didn't deserve it….
"That's low." Hestia chided.
"I'm sorry. I felt the betrayal and failure as a husband at the time." Hephaestus said.
Case in point: Harmonia. I mentioned her before. She was the minor goddess who became a mortal and married that king Cadmus, and later they both got turned into snakes.
"By me!" Ares grinned.
As if that wasn't enough bad luck for one lifetime, Harmonia also got a cursed wedding present from Hephaestus.
"What is it?" Hazel asked.
He hated her, because she was a constant reminder of Aphrodite's affair with Ares.
Hephaestus hung his head in shame.
Not like that was Harmonia's fault, but hey, even the nicer gods like Hephaestus could be jerks.
"Yep, totally. I'm one of best and still I can be a jerk." Apollo said.
When Harmonia married Cadmus, Hephaestus made her a golden necklace as a wedding present.
"And its cursed." Frank stated.
It was the most beautiful piece of jewelry you can imagine, all dripping with precious jewels in delicate golden lace, but it was also hexed with some serious juju.
"Juju?" Nico rolled on the floor.
It brought bad luck to Harmonia
"Duh!" Thalia said.
(which is kind of obvious, since she got turned into a snake),
"That's what I thought." Hermes said.
but it also got passed down to her descendants. Everyone who wore that necklace for generations had some horrible tragedy happen to them.
"What kind of tragedies? Who?" Hazel asked.
We won't go into the details, but it shows you that Hephaestus had a dark side.
"Welcome!" Hades gave a cruel smile.
If you ever find one of his necklaces, be sure to check the engraving. If it says, Congratulations, Harmonia!, throw that thing away.
Girls checked out their necklaces quickly.
After Aphrodite, Hephaestus's first rebound relationship was with this goddess named Aglaia.
"One of Charities." Apollo said.
"My handmaidens." Aphrodite said. "She had a crush on Hephaestus for a long time."
She was one of the Charities. And by Charity, I don't mean Goodwill or the Salvation Army.
"We know!" Piper exclaimed.
The Charities were three divine sisters in charge of grace and pleasure. They served as Aphrodite's handmaidens, so it must have really irritated Aphrodite when Hephaestus started dating one of them.
"Not really. I even encouraged her." Aphrodite said.
Like, Yeah, I dumped you, and I'm going out with your handmaiden. Deal with it.
Anyway, Hephaestus and Algaia had a several godly daughters.
"Four. Eucleia, Eupheme, Euthenia and Philoprosyne." Hephaestus said proudly.
"Who named those kids?" Piper wondered.
Then Hephaestus dated a bunch of mortal princesses and had a slew of demigod kids who became kings of this or that Greek city.
"I still have a chance to be president then." Leo proclaimed.
"Anyone in their right mind wouldn't vote you." Grover said.
He even had a fling with a nymph named Etna, who was the goddess of Mount Etna over in Sicily.
"That one? Were you drunk?" Hermes asked. "She was violent."
If you're keeping track, that's the mountain Zeus used to smash Typhoeus the storm giant. I'm not sure why Hephaestus wanted to date a slightly smashed mountain nymph, but they had some children together called the palikoi, who were the spirits of hot springs and geysers.
"Thank Hephaestus for granting those wonders." Poseidon said.
If you ever go to Yellowstone Park to see Old Faithful doing its thing, be sure to yell, "Hephaestus says hello! Call your dad more often, ya bum!"
"I would probably yell, 'Your half brother is here! Massage his shoulders!" Leo said.
Hephaestus's most interesting kids were twin boys he had with a sea nymph named Kabeiro. They were called the Kabeiroi, after their mother, but their real names were Alkon and Eurymedon.
"Very helpful boys." Hephaestus and Dionysus said.
(And no, you will not have to remember that for the test. If your teacher says different, your teacher is WRONG.)
"This brings to usto the cliche of 'What if Annabeth was a teacher'." Nico said.
The Kaberoi were a lot like Hephaestus, meaning they were good at metalwork and incredibly ugly.
"Not ugly. Dwarves." Hephaestus said.
Sometimes they're described as dwarfs, though maybe they just looked small next to their dad.
"Another reason to be described as dwarves, I guess." Poseidon said.
They would help out around his forges in Lemnos and even go to war in his name.
"That's my kids." Hephaestus smiled proudly. "And I'm proud of you to, Leo."
Leo smiled back.
Once they rode east with Dionysus when he marched to India. Then they got in trouble, and Hephaestus had to rescue them.
"Looks like he learned some lesson from Zeus' A+ parenting." Athena said.
You didn't know the wine god had declared war on India? Sure. We'll get to that in a bit.
"War on India? Have he seen the great wall or Taj-Mahal?" Frank asked.
But right now, I feel like some poetry.
"Noooo!" Artemis and Thalia moaned. Apollo smirked.
"Alert! Haiku coming!" He announced.
"North wind blows
Percy sings my praises
I'm awesome!"
Audiance were busy covering their ears.
You feel like poetry? No?
"Arthur loves poetry." Grover reminded.
Well, TOO BAD. Apollo is getting impatient. He wants me to write his chapter, and since he's the coolest Olympian god
"Even Percy says so!" Apollo grinned.
(even if he does say so himself),
"And you admit it yourself so." Apollo added.
you can only put off the Golden Boy for so long.
Hephaestus send the book to Apollo. Apollo began to read.
...
A/N
Another episode, we met Hephaestus, the tinkerer god! Apollo is next, one of my favourite Olympians. (Even if he does some evil stuff sometimes.)
Ten down, four to go. (Is it?)
Suggest more pranks. Throw your suggestions at me. I will choose few interesting ones of them.
We came this far, I love everyone who stood by me in this journey.
Good luck, stay safe.