XVII
Quinn visits her dressing room again before she's scheduled to take the stage, but she comes with a bar of vegan chocolate instead of flowers. She's also a little shy, and Rachel can't quite read her nervousness.
"San and Britt are here," Quinn says when Rachel asks what has her so fidgety. "But also my mom and Sarah."
And, Rachel wonders how she could have forgotten. "Oh."
"San and Britt are fine, whatever," Quinn says, almost rolling her eyes. "But, well, my mom is - we haven't - they never met Hannah." She drops her gaze. "I think they'd like to forget I'm gay or whatever, seeing as we have our own crisis to deal with, and this is - this is going to be the first time they'll be reminded of it."
Rachel moves closer to her, reaching out to touch her shirt. Today, she's dressed in something that resembles armour. She's in perfectly tailored black pants and a deep burgundy silk blouse with buttons up the middle. Her collar is wide, revealing a lot of milky skin, and her makeup is severe. She's also in a heel that makes her that bit taller, but, God, she looks stunning.
"But, they're here, which means they're trying," Rachel says, fiddling with the buttons of Quinn's shirt with her fingers.
"I haven't told them it's about two girls," Quinn confesses. "I haven't told them it's partly about us; that Alice's story starts the way mine did, and ended the way I've always wished mine would."
"Are you worried about how you've portrayed them?" Rachel asks. "Because, and I'm being honest here, you definitely did them justice, Quinn. I don't know about you, but I remember things being... terrible, and the play is tame in comparison."
Quinn nods. "Things were terrible," she says. "I just - I don't want to lose them again, when I've just got them back."
Rachel's breath catches, because this is the moment she realises she's probably never going to see anyone in her family again. Not Pete, and not her little brothers. Her mother will make sure of it.
Quinn must register the devastation on her face, because she immediately wraps her in a hug, holding her against her body and murmuring that everything is going to be okay in her ear.
And, the best and worst part is that Rachel believes her.
Quinn holds her until Cash calls for them to take their places, and she presses a kiss to Rachel's forehead before they both leave the room. Rachel goes one way, and Quinn the other, the blonde promising to see her afterwards.
Rachel misses her immediately, and she doesn't even realise how well that translates into her performance as Rae. The way she just wants Quinn, misses her when she knows she's right there. The way she realises she can now have her and love her the way she deserves to be loved.
She sings, take me as I am, this is all I have, take me and love me, this could be forever, with the kind of liberation that transcends the music and the entire production.
Rachel doesn't even see Sophia.
Rae sees Alice, and Rachel feels Quinn.
The applause is the most it's ever been, and the sound of it startles Rachel right out of her Rae bubble to find Jesse staring at her with some kind of wonder in his eyes. She receives her accolades, and then scampers off the stage, her heart pounding.
"What was that?" Sophia asks, appearing in front of her with the largest smile on her face. "Jesus Christ, Rachel, that was - you were - God, it was incredible."
Rachel can feel it in her bones, truly. She doesn't know how she's ever going to top this performance.
Tyler finds her before Cash can send them on their way, and he gives her a rare hug, telling her he's so proud and that she's definitely going places. Which means so much, and she's a bit teary when she finally makes it to her dressing room.
Chocolate.
She eats some chocolate, which really helps settle the buzzing in her body. She knows that, if Quinn were to show up right now, Rachel wouldn't be responsible for what she would do to her. Her body is charged; high off her performance, and she -
It takes longer to get out of her costume, but she hangs it up neatly and packs her bag, ready to leave whenever Quinn is.
Well, if Quinn is planning on leaving soon, because she has people coming to see her tonight, and it might actually be best if Rachel stayed away. She's sure Santana hates her, and Rachel thinks she could go her entire life without seeing Sarah Fabray again.
Or Judy.
God.
She's the one who corrupted the woman's precious daughter.
Yip. Rachel's definitely sneaking out of here. The last thing Quinn needs is Rachel's presence adding more drama to her life, so it's really the best option for all parties concerned.
She's decided, which is really why she's not all that surprised when it all gets derailed the second she steps into the foyer, attempting to rush through unnoticed.
There's a sudden flash, and then there are several people in front of her from the university's newspaper, website and several student blogs.
Wow. Okay.
Rachel gets caught in a bit of a media frenzy that Cash eventually saves her from... and leads her straight towards Quinn, who is standing and talking to Tyler, Sophia, Jesse, Judy, Sarah, Santana and Brittany. Which is really the stuff of nightmares.
"There she is," Tyler exclaims when he spots her, and all eyes turn towards her.
Quinn's gaze is soft and happy, which is a relief. At least her family hasn't robbed her of that tonight. Sophia, Jesse and Tyler just look pleased to see her. Brittany does a little jump in place, and Santana kind of... scowls. Sarah's expression is unreadable, and there are actual tears in Judy's eyes.
Rachel almost turns around and rushes right out, but Quinn kind of motions her forward, and Rachel still hasn't figured out how to deny her. Not that she even wants to.
Rachel moves to stand right beside Quinn, feeling safest there. She doesn't know how they're supposed to play this, because Tyler, Cash and Jesse don't know that Rachel knows any of these people who are considered to be Quinn's.
She barely has time to question the situation before Judy is launching forward and hugging her so tightly that she actually squeaks in both surprise and pain.
Quinn chuckles. "Easy there, Mom," she says, resting a hand on each of their shoulders. "We need her for at least one more night, and then I swear you can crush her at your peril."
Rachel puffs out a breath when Judy releases her and holds her shoulders, giving her a good look. Rachel blushes under the scrutiny.
"Look at you," Judy says. "Look how you've grown."
Tyler, Jesse and Cash all frown at the sound of that, but nobody bothers to explain. Quinn just separates Rachel and Judy further, and then looks pointedly at Sarah.
Sarah's unreadable expression has evolved into something uncertain and hesitant. She looks more apologetic and determined, looking as if she wants to blurt out everything she's wanted to say, and just actively forcing herself not to.
"Hello," Rachel says, kind of to them all, and then steps back closer to Quinn.
"We were just talking about your performance," Tyler says, still looking a little confused. "It was honestly the best it's ever been. I knew, but I didn't know, you know?"
Rachel just smiles at him, and says, "Thank you, Tyler."
The next few moments are awkward beyond anything Rachel has experienced, and Sophia eventually takes mercy on her and asks for her help with something. Rachel says a hurried goodbye, brushing her hand against Quinn's back as she leaves with Sophia.
She doesn't feel as if she can actually breathe until they're at least a block away, and Sophia keeps glancing worriedly at her.
"I'm fine," Rachel eventually says. "It was just - God, it was just so awkward."
"Dude," Sophia says. "It was painful. What the hell happened between the lot of you?"
Rachel looks away. "It's complicated," she says. "Maybe, one day, Quinn will tell the real story." She smiles softly. "Because, at least, now, she has a potential happy ending to write."
Sophia glances at her. "No shit?"
Rachel laughs. "Yes shit," she says. "I mean, we still have so much to work through, and I need a hell of a lot of therapy, and I may never see my family again, but, yeah, she's - she is so worth everything."
Sophia beams at her. "I think this entire thing is another story completely," she says. "Like, finding your lost love because of a play. That's seriously something out of Shakespeare, man. The play's the thing, ain't it?"
Rachel rolls her eyes.
Sophia just laughs, and then gasps. "Whoa, I'm totally Quinn in all of this," she says. "God, don't you feel über weird whenever you have to kiss me?"
Rachel's smile slips. "Well, uh, yeah," she says; "but, uh - "
"Oh, my God," Sophia says. "You totally imagine Quinn, don't you?"
"What, no," Rachel squeaks, clearly affronted. "In a way, maybe, okay, but it has nothing to do with me, anyway. It's Rae kissing Alice, as far as I'm aware. I - I had to get out of my head about it, and that's how I look at it."
Sophia gives her a sceptical look, and then grins. "I'm a better kisser than Quinn, aren't I?"
Rachel shakes her head, clearly amused. "Nobody is a better kisser than Quinn," she says. "Honestly, it's not even fair that she can look that good and be that good."
Sophia blinks, and then actually gasps. "Holy shit, you've had sex with Quinn," she says.
"Sophia!"
"I'm sorry," she says, laughing. "I just thought of it."
"Why are you even thinking about it?"
"Uh, you're both hot," Sophia says, as if Rachel should already know that answer. "Also, come on. You've done the deed with Quinn Fabray. People would kill to be you."
"Oh my God," Rachel groans. "Please stop talking."
Sophia just continues to laugh. "I bet she has stamina."
"Sophia!"
Quinn knocks on her dormitory room door more than an hour later, and Rachel is visibly half asleep when she pulls open the door to find a grinning blonde right in front of her.
"Hi," Quinn says.
Rachel rubs her right eye, yawning. "Quinn, hey, what's up?"
Quinn runs a hand through her hair. She's changed out of her armour and into sweatpants and an oversized crewneck sweater. She looks unfairly gorgeous, her face scrubbed clean of makeup and her glasses on her face. "I - well, I just wanted to check on you," she says. "Make sure seeing my people wasn't too bad for you, and tell you that you were fucking incredible tonight. God, Rachel, you were on another level tonight; I don't even think it's a human level."
Rachel's brain is still trying to catch up.
"Can I come inside?" Quinn asks.
Rachel yawns again as she steps back to give Quinn space to enter the dark room.
"Where's Liz?" Quinn asks, looking around and noting both empty beds.
"With Ross," Rachel answers, moving towards her bed and dropping onto the edge as she yawns again, using her right hand to turn on her lamp.
"You were sleeping," Quinn says, frowning. "Shit."
"It's okay," Rachel says, blinking several times. "Is something wrong?"
Quinn sighs. "I guess I just wanted to see you," she says, moving to sit beside Rachel. "I would have called, but you're still doing that whole no-phone thing."
Rachel peeks at her. "You were missing me."
"Of course, I was missing you," Quinn says. "I always miss you."
Rachel smiles at her. "Why aren't you with, uh, your people?"
"San and Britt are probably having sex right now, and my mom is definitely asleep," Quinn says.
"What about Sarah?"
Quinn bites her bottom lip. "We had a fight," she says.
"About me?"
"Sort of," Quinn admits. "More about me, really." She starts to reach for Rachel's hand, but pauses and asks, "Can I?"
Rachel nods, and Quinn slides her hand into Rachel's, carefully interlocking their fingers. "We don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to."
"I love you," Quinn says. "I have always loved you."
Rachel waits patiently.
"There was a moment during my freshman year when I... lost it completely," she says. "I struggled a lot with my moods and memory after my injury, and I was always so emotional, and I had something of a breakdown."
Rachel immediately stiffens at the sound of Quinn's continued suffering beyond the initial attack.
"I'd just spoken to Sarah," Quinn says. "It was... I can't remember much more than she just called, but I had this stupid idea that maybe things could get better between us. I thought she was calling to apologise or tell me she missed me; I don't know. Instead, she called to say Russell moved out and that it was all my fault and that everything was falling apart and that she hoped I was happy I ruined our family."
Rachel clenches her jaw. "Was this before or after she started dating Biff and became an asshole cheerleader?"
Quinn grins at her. "You know about that?"
"Kurt told me," she says. "I heard a lot of things through him."
"It was awful," Quinn says, sobering. "It was... worse than that last day. I've hated my sister exactly two times in my life, and that was the second."
"I'm sorry, Quinn."
"The reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to know that, if it comes down to it, I'm going to choose you," Quinn says. "If she can't work it out, with me and you, then she doesn't get to be in our lives, okay? I choose you. I will always choose you, even when I force myself not to."
Rachel squeezes her fingers. "You've already told me that," she points out. "Years ago."
"And that hasn't changed."
Rachel takes a breath, and then shifts to place a chaste kiss against Quinn's cheek. "I believe you."
"This is forever, Rachel," Quinn says. "It's permanent. You and me. It's always been."
"I believe you," Rachel says again, and she doesn't think there will be a day that she won't.
Liz pinches Rachel's cheek to wake her the next morning, giggling when Rachel blinks open her eyes. "Dude," Liz mouths, her eyes wide. "Get it."
Rachel frowns, blinking again. "What?" she squeaks.
Liz looks from Rachel's face to the face behind her, and then wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
It's the moment Rachel remembers that Quinn is asleep behind her, arms wrapped around her waist and spooning her. She remembers shifting to lie down last night, and Quinn following after her, the two of them just lying together for a while and smiling stupidly at each other.
Rachel doesn't remember which one of them fell asleep first, but now they're here and now Rachel has to deal with the endless teasing she's probably going to have to endure from her roommate.
Quinn shifts behind her, absently breathing in and tightening her grip on Rachel, which makes the brunette blush and Liz chuckle.
"Go away," Rachel tells her.
Liz just pokes her cheek this time, and then finally leaves them alone.
Rachel just watches her for a few moments, and then closes her eyes once more, relaxing into Quinn's embrace and slipping back into slumber.
It's Saturday, and she finally has Quinn back.
She's not going anywhere.
Quinn takes her to brunch, a certain easiness to their interaction that wasn't there the last time they went out together. Rachel is more comfortable with being in public with Quinn, even being the one to initiate the hand-holding.
Quinn just smiles at her, saying nothing.
It's nice.
It's more than nice.
It's everything Rachel has wanted, and she finally gets to have it. She gets to have this life with this Quinn, and she finally gets to be happy. It always seemed so out of reach. It feels as if she's been fighting for years; just searching for some respite. A chance to breathe.
She feels free.
And, it's the first time she realises that she actually is.
After they've eaten, Quinn only glances at her once, just to check, before she links their fingers on the sidewalk. Rachel's heart stutters, but it's not from fear. It's because Quinn is holding her hand.
Quinn.
It's seriously something like a dream, just being here and experiencing this. Her teenage self couldn't ever have predicted her life working out this way. Everything used to feel so heavy and helpless and inevitable.
Inevitable.
This was inevitable.
Quinn squeezes her fingers, getting her attention, and she looks over with slight wonder. "What are you thinking about?"
Rachel stares at her face for a long, long moment, and then says, "You have always been worth it."
Quinn blinks slowly. "Worth what?"
"Everything this world has thrown at us."
Quinn rolls her eyes. "I am so over this world and its desire to throw things at us," she grumbles, and Rachel giggles. It's this sound that fills the space between them, and it sounds happy.
Because she is.
Finally.
God, finally.
"I think we're good for a while," Rachel says, unsure why she's so certain of it. "We'll figure it all out, anyway."
"Those are hefty words, Rachel," Quinn points out, carefully guiding them around a corner as they work their way back towards the main campus.
And, Rachel hears what she's not saying. She hears: that sounds like some kind of promise, and you've made promises to me before, and look what's happened. Quinn is too polite; too noble and beautiful to say the words out loud, but Rachel knows her well enough.
There might be something like three years between their being allowed to be together, but Quinn is still Quinn in many ways. She's just more Quinn, and it is a gorgeous, glorious thing.
Rachel won't make those kinds of promises anymore. What she does say is: "All I know is I love you, and I always have, and I always will. There's really nothing else to it."
Quinn stops walking, and Rachel stops with her. "I asked you once if it was enough," she says. "Being with me. Hiding it before, sneaking around, and you told me it was. For now." She sighs. "It doesn't have to be like that anymore. Not if you don't want it to."
Again, Rachel hears what Quinn is saying, without the words being explicit. She's saying, I'm here and I'm with you, and I'm willing to stay hidden, if that's what you need, but we don't have to be; not anymore.
The only thing Rachel can think to do is hug her, so she does. She wraps her arms around Quinn's neck and shoulders, drawing her in as close as physically possible. It takes a moment for Quinn to return the hug, her own arms circling Rachel's waist.
"I'm ready," Rachel whispers into her ear. "I'm ready, for everything."
Quinn holds her tighter. "Everything?" she asks, her voice slightly shaky.
"Every single thing."
Quinn wears an actual ball gown to the final show, and Rachel wonders if she's going to look out of place until she arrives at the theatre and sees Tyler and Cash dressed similarly formally.
It's the fanciest of evenings, apparently, with a lot of VIPs related to Tisch expected to be in attendance. There are even rumours of a few famous alumni showing up, but Rachel tries not to pay attention to any of that as she sits through hair and makeup.
She almost expects for Quinn to show up at her dressing room at this point, so she isn't surprised when Quinn slips through her door with only minutes to spare, a single gardenia - because now Rachel can recognise it for what it is - in her possession and some kind of envelope.
"How are you feeling?" Quinn asks, handing her the gardenia and brushing a hand over her back.
Rachel smiles up at her, sitting in her stool and turning to face her. "I'm okay," she answers. "A little sad it'll be over after tonight."
Quinn smiles as if she has a secret, and Rachel wants to kiss her. She thinks she would, if they weren't running out of time, and the last thing she wants to do is mess up either of their makeup. Cash would kill them.
Quinn blinks slowly, and then hands Rachel the envelope she has with her. "This is for you."
Rachel takes it from her, but doesn't move to open it. "What is it?"
"An invitation," Quinn says. "To perform at the end-of-year showcase."
"Who?"
"All of us," Quinn says. "Our final number. The moment Rae very publicly sings the words society tells me one thing, my body another, and I can't deny my heart and my soul, in this world I must live in/tell me, tell me, how do I keep smiling behind this mask, laughing behind this facade, when her touch I crave, her love I yearn, tell me, tell me, and then proceeds to kiss the hell out of another girl." She breathes. "Do you have any idea how big this is? Everyone is going to be at that showcase, and we get to show two women kissing. It's - I don't even have words."
Rachel beams at her. "You did that, Quinn," she says.
"Not just me," she's quick to return. "All of us. Together. We did this."
Quinn definitely isn't helping with Rachel's desire to kiss her, and she's actually relieved when Cash yells for Places. Quinn almost jumps, which makes them both smile.
"Good luck out there, okay?" she murmurs, touching her forehead to Rachel's for a moment. "I'll see you after."
Rachel watches her leave, forcing herself not to call Quinn back. She knows she's clingy and pathetic, but Quinn doesn't need to know that.
It's the final performance.
In some ways, it's the most important one, and Rachel doesn't feel a hint of nerves. Not one. She rather feels settled, as if this is exactly where she's supposed to be. This person she is, is exactly whom she's supposed to be.
She also has Quinn.
What is there to be nervous about?
The way that frame of mind translates into her performance is something she doesn't actively think about until she's sung her final note and the entire theatre is up on their feet, applause thundering all around them. Every night has been overwhelming in its own way, but this feels different.
This feels like the beginning of a lifetime of moments like this, where people applaud her talent, and Quinn sits in the front row, beaming with pride and eyes filled with tears.
It feels like forever.
Because it's the last night, there's a small presentation of thank yous after the production. Cash, Quinn and Tyler all step up onto the stage as Jesse introduces them, which earns another round of applause, and Rachel has never felt more proud in her entire life.
Her accomplishments barely matter in this moment, and she knows that's love. There's no other word for it, truly. The way she feels right now watching as Quinn blushes right down to her collarbones when Tyler hands her a gigantic bouquet of flowers and she manages to pull together a somewhat coherent speech to thank the department, teachers, advisors, backstage crew, musicians, composers, makeup and costume artists, other crew and finally the cast, paying special mention to Jesse, Sophia.
"And Rachel Berry," Quinn finally says, and her voice goes soft. "Who, I believe, has played the perfect Rae, almost as if the role was written specifically for her." She grins a little knowingly, and Sophia nudges Rachel conspiratorially. "I would have trusted nobody else with my beloved character."
Rachel is crying.
She's pretty sure she's crying.
The whole damn theatre is crying.
When it's all over, not only does Rachel need to change, she also needs to fix her makeup, which ends up taking a lot longer than she anticipates. She knows she's not going to look as fancy as Quinn or Cash, but she slips into a red dress, and finally makes her way to the foyer where they're throwing a small closing night party. A gala kind of thing, with all the very important people in attendance.
The champagne and conversation are all already flowing by the time she arrives, and she manages to descend the steps only slightly undetected. It's slightly overwhelming, that first wave of people, but Cash finds her eventually and carefully introduces her to the Dean, various Heads of Departments and other important people.
Rachel does her best not to lose it completely when Spike Lee - Spike Lee - compliments her performance, and she just barely holds it together when Debra Messing makes a point of making her way through the crowd just to see her.
She has to keep asking Cash to pinch her, because this is real. It's all real.
When the initial buzz dies down, she's finally able to get something to drink. It's sparkling grape juice, but she doesn't mind. She needs a breather, and her heart needs a moment to reset before it ends up beating right out of her chest.
And that's the moment she spots Mr Schuester, standing among the crowd in a tuxedo and holding a bouquet of flowers. She practically jumps in place, abandons Cash without a thought and weaves through the crowds towards him, almost giddy at the sight of him.
Mr Schuester sees her a moment later, and he lets out a laugh when she practically throws herself at him for a hug she hasn't been able to give him in a year.
"What are you doing here?" she squeals.
Mr Schuester's smile is wide when he releases her, one hand on her shoulder as he studies her. "I had to come see your first foray into stardom," he says. "I wouldn't miss it for the world. I couldn't."
"I'm so glad you're here," she says, peering around. "Are you alone? How's Miss Pillsbury?"
Mr Schuester hands her the flowers. "It's just me," he says; "but she sends her regards. I promised her pictures."
"Of course."
Rachel stays with him for a while, gushing about all sorts of things. She talks about school and the musical and Quinn and -
"Quinn, huh?"
She blushes, ignoring his obvious insinuation, and looks towards an older couple who have come to wish her well. It's been a constant stream of people coming by and complimenting and congratulating her on the performance. After encountering all the people who are basically in charge of the trajectory of her future, even meeting casual theatre goers gets her pulse running wild.
It's all so overwhelming and terrifying and it's such a big deal that all these people even know whom she is. This is just the beginning, she knows, and it's as daunting as it is exciting.
"Quinn," Mr Schuester says again, and Rachel frowns at him before she notices that he's not even looking at her. He's looking across the room, where Quinn is standing with some people who look very, very important.
They're clearly saying things that are turning her ears red, and Rachel wouldn't be able to stop her smile if she tried. Quinn looks adorable and stunning, and Rachel wants to be near her.
"We're trying again," Rachel says, keeping her eyes on Quinn. "We're trying to be together again. The right way, this time."
Mr Schuester looks at her, visibly concerned. "Does Shelby know?"
"She does," Rachel says. "She was here on opening night. She watched me perform, and the only thing she had to say was that I would pay the consequences for breaking the rules."
"The consequences?"
Rachel bites the inside of her cheek. "She told me, before I came to New York, that I would be gambling with my family and my tuition if I didn't behave." She shrugs. "I haven't been behaving."
Mr Schuester frowns. "What does that mean for you?"
"I don't really care," she says, and she means it. "Whatever happens from this point forward, I know I'll have Quinn, and that makes all the difference." She glances at him. "I get to have her, Mr Schue. I finally get to live the life I've always wanted, and I'm trying not to overthink it."
His frown fades, giving way to something proud. "I always knew you had it in you," he says. "I've always been worried, but not as much I could have been, because I knew you would be okay one day."
"You think today is that day?"
"Maybe not quite yet," he allows. "It seems you might still have a way to go, but these are bold steps, and I couldn't be more proud. Not only of this new life you've decided to live, but also of your amazing talent and the way you present it, and just you. Do you have any idea how powerful you are?"
That's it.
She feels powerful.
As if she could decide to do something in this very moment, and she would just do it. She would accomplish it, and that would be it, because she's Rachel Berry and she's going to be the person she was always meant to be.
Nobody is going to stop her now.
Not even herself.
Quinn eventually makes her way over to them, looking a little pale. She looks shocked, really, but she manages to keep it together long enough to greet Mr Schuester, accept his compliments, and have an entire conversation about what she's been up to and just how proud they both are of Rachel without completely losing her cool.
It's literally everything to Rachel, and she even risks kissing Quinn's cheek when she excuses herself once more to do some more rounds.
Mr Schuester looks so pleased that Rachel can't even stop her blush.
Finally - finally - when Mr Schuester leaves her with the question, "Are you happy?," Rachel can finally tell him yes!
The very important, official looking people who were speaking to Quinn turn out to be a pair of big-shot, professional producers who want Quinn's script, and Quinn freaks out for a full nineteen minutes after they leave the theatre before Rachel decides the best way to shut her up is to kiss her.
"Oh," Quinn squeaks, and then she's kissing back, and Rachel forgets the entire world.
Quinn's kiss is different, but still the same, and she tastes like chocolate and champagne. Her mouth opens for Rachel, and Rachel already feels intoxicated without having touched either of those things.
Quinn starts to touch her, hands on her hips, but Rachel can feel the hesitancy in those fingers, as if she's worried she's doing something wrong in moving too fast. Rachel sucks in a breath, and then holds Quinn's hands with her own and presses them firmly against her own waist.
Quinn makes a strangled sound in the back of her throat, and Rachel is suddenly thankful they're safely in Quinn's apartment when this started. Rachel knows there's no stopping now.
Quinn says, "They want me," in wonder and disbelief. She kisses along Rachel's jaw, gently nipping at her skin. "You want me."
And, God, Rachel does.
Nothing about this is taboo. They can kiss and touch and the entire world can know and it's okay.
Well, not really okay, because that's private, but the sentiment remains.
Quinn kisses her mouth again, and Rachel can practically taste her wonder. This kiss is purposeful, leaving no questions about intent, but there's a part of Rachel that wonders if it's maybe wiser to wait. To establish their relationship once more. Because, they rushed the first time, and, while Rachel has few regrets about that part; that's not necessary for right now. Maybe they should just -
Quinn's hands slip down her thighs, and that thought flies out the window. She groans, long and deep, and she needs to be touching Quinn right now. Touching and tasting and breathing in and -
"Wait, wait," Quinn says, more to herself than anything. She breaks their kiss and looks into Rachel's eyes, searching for something. "I - is this - "
"I want you," Rachel assures her.
Quinn grins at her. "I got that," she says. "I haven't forgotten what turns you on."
Rachel squirms where she is, blushing.
"I just want to tell you something," Quinn says, her hands sliding around Rachel's back and holding her closer. She presses her cheek to Rachel's, and closes her eyes, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I don't want to alarm you, but this is it for me," she says. "I know it hasn't been long since - "
"Hannah," Rachel finishes for her, because that relationship is not something they're going to be able to hide away from. Especially if people are interested in Quinn's play. Hannah and Silas are going to be attached to the production forever, unless Quinn changes the music, which Rachel knows she won't do.
"I know there might be... reservations about all of this, but there is no way I will be able to live a happy, fulfilling life without being with you." She hums softly. "Maybe we won't work out; maybe we will, but I would hate myself more than I usually do if we didn't at least try. We deserve the chance to be together the right way. We just deserve a chance."
Rachel turns her head and kisses her deeply. Her own heart is pounding in her chest as she sinks into Quinn with her entire being, wanting nothing more than to be with her, tonight and every moment after.
It's been years since they've done this, and Rachel always wondered if it would feel different. Kissing Quinn. Touching her. But it doesn't feel all that different. In fact, it feels familiar; like some of memory coming back to her, and she can slide her fingers into hair that is no longer blonde and tug on a black coat that hangs off a leaner frame.
Something happens when the coat hits the floor.
Quinn pulls back to look at Rachel's face, and there is something very significant in her gaze. "Are you sure?" she asks, careful and deliberate. "We don't have to. I mean, I haven't even given you the grand tour of my place. I have an amazing coffee machine, and a top of the line blender."
And, Rachel laughs. She can't help it. It just bursts out of her, her head thrown back, and it feels as if every hateful word or thought, every struggle and fight, every question she's asked herself, every tear she's shed on her way to this moment has just melted from her body. All the tension and fear is just - it's all just gone, and she's here with Quinn and she's free.
She's free.
She's Quinn's.
"Is that your way of telling me you're going to make me a smoothie in the morning?" Rachel finds herself asking, her hands sliding over Quinn's strong shoulders.
"If you're staying."
Rachel has already decided, so she just kisses her. "I'm staying," she murmurs, and then squeals when Quinn lifts her right off the ground, her arms and legs automatically holding onto her as best they can while in her own dress.
Quinn laughs. "I promise I won't drop you," she murmurs, starting to move through the apartment to what Rachel assumes is her bedroom. She'll learn the layout another time.
Now, she intends to relearn the layout of Quinn's body.
God. Just the thought of being able to touch her and feel her makes Rachel's heart rate skyrocket alarmingly. It can't be normal. It'll fade with time, surely, because this is the first time -
This is the first time they get to be intimate without any kind of fear. None whatsoever. There's no risk of parents hearing them or hotel occupants hearing them. It's not illegal. It's just - it's just the two of them, finally getting to be together the way they've always deserved.
Quinn carries her right into a dark bedroom, right across the carpet, and then carefully sets her down on her back, immediately climbing over her and kissing her so thoroughly that there is little left to the imagination about what is about to happen between them.
Which is why it's the most surprising thing they actually don't even end up having sex.
Because Rachel does the unthinkable and actually starts to cry.
Quinn stops kissing her when she tastes the salt of her tears, and she pulls back in alarm. "Rach," she whispers. "Baby, what's wrong?"
And, it's as if the dam breaks.
When she cries, she cries for everything.
Everything.
Dating all the way back to before her father, working through his disappearance, the divorce and watching her mother turn cold and guarded right before her eyes. Feeling abandoned when Shelby found Pete and started her new family, being the other child. Figuring out her sexual preference and knowing her mother wouldn't approve, and then being proven correct in the worst way. Resigning herself to a life without happiness, and then meeting Sarah and Quinn and allowing herself to hope. Immersing herself in possible what ifs, and then having her entire world turned upside down by a homophobic prick with a heart full of hate and having to face the consequences of her actions. Watching the love of her life unravel and suffer at her hands, and then agreeing to a set of rules designed to bring her only misery. Wading through high school with no spirit, determined to get out and as far as possible. Finding her way through a new environment, figuring out ways to be happy without breaking the rules… and then getting hit in the face with a blast from her past so overwhelming that the tears return so potently that Quinn visibly panics.
There are hands stroking her hair and lips against her skin, murmuring it's okay, you're okay, I promise everything is going to be okay now.
Because Rachel is here, and she's suffered through watching Quinn work her scriptwriter magic and witnessing her be with someone else, just to realise she's still in love with her - because of course she is - and that life is never not going to suck.
And, now, with a very single, very in love Quinn Fabray lying at her side, who is ready to touch her; Rachel is crying.
For God's sake.
Can she just get it together?
Quinn gently kisses her cheek. "I have you," she murmurs. "I swear, I have you."
For some reason, Quinn's words make her smile, and she lets out a choked laugh at the fact this girl is such a writer.
Quinn lifts her head, looking a little bemused at the sound of Rachel's laughter. "Everything okay there, Superstar?"
Rachel traces a finger over Quinn's left eyebrow. "I am so in love with you," she murmurs, watching the movement of her finger. "I barely know what to do with myself."
"Well, I mean, I'm pretty sure I could think of a few things you could do with yourself," Quinn says, with such a shit-eating grin across her face. "I could even help."
Rachel tugs her head down for a long kiss, but the initial heat has faded into something mellow, meaningful in a way that has Quinn eventually getting to her feet and rummaging in her drawers for sweatpants and t-shirts for them both.
Rachel lifts herself onto her elbows to watch as Quinn kicks off her heels and carefully unzips her dress, her back to the bed. The room is dark, the only light coming in through the drawn curtains, but Rachel can still see the lines of muscle on her back as the dress slides down her body and settles in a pool at her feet.
Quinn steps out of it and quickly redresses, before she turns to face Rachel and says, "You can wear these, if you'd like. Would you like some cocoa? I have soy milk."
Rachel blinks at her.
Quinn flushes darkly, and then sets the clothes on the bed. "I'll be in the kitchen whenever you're ready," she says, and then disappears from the room without another word.
Rachel doesn't move, fully able to hear Quinn padding around outside. It still feels like a dream, and she fears that walking out there right now is going to shatter it. What if Quinn changes her mind? What if Rachel can't figure out how to do any of this? Quinn has already been so patient and thoughtful, and they've waited so long for this moment, and she doesn't want to be the one to -
"Hey."
Rachel's eyes snap to the left, to see Quinn entering the room, two cups in her hands.
"Have you even moved?" Quinn asks, looking a little amused as she sets the cups on her nightstand, careful not to spill anything. Then she reaches for Rachel's hands and pulls her right to her feet, laughing at the groan the brunette lets out.
Rachel has more complaints on the tip of her tongue, but then Quinn is unzipping her dress, and all words fail her. It's not sexy - okay, it is a little - but Quinn is very thorough as she undresses, and then redresses Rachel so they're matching in t-shirts, sweatpants and bare feet. Then she holds Rachel's head in her hands and softly kisses her forehead.
"I love you," Quinn says, and it's as if Rachel's worries vanish with the sound of those words.
Rachel looks right into Quinn's eyes, searching for something and finding it. "It's never been temporary, has it?"
Quinn just draws her into a hug, holding her as if she's something precious. "Never," she echoes in a whisper, and Rachel believes her.
In the morning, Quinn sets a tall glass of purple smoothie in front of her, kisses the top of her head and says, "I have to go to church in a few minutes."
Rachel just stares at her, because that is the absolute last thing she was expecting to hear when she woke up with Quinn's warm body wrapped around her own, still clothed and only a little disappointed about it.
"I know," Quinn says with a roll of her eyes. "But I found a good one, and it helps me."
Rachel nods, accepting it for what it is.
"I don't know if you have plans for the day," Quinn says, suddenly looking nervous. "Of course, you're welcome to stay here - I'll be two hours, tops - or you could even come with. But, I mean, if you have somewhere to be or something to do, I - I would still like to see you later, maybe, if you're free."
Rachel slides off her stool and moves right into Quinn's space, crowding her against one of the counters. She leans the front of her body against Quinn's, tilting her head right up to be able to look into her eyes. "I would love to come with you one day," she says softly. "But maybe not today."
Quinn nods, accepting.
"I think I'll head to my dorm for a while. I need to shower and change and possibly deal with my phone, and I know Liz is probably dying for some kind of update on us."
Quinn grins a little knowingly.
"I also need to complete some funding applications," she says, frowning slightly. "I think the rest of the year is covered, but I need to make plans for next year if I want to stay in school, and there are suddenly a lot more deadlines I need to meet."
Quinn looks to her left, gently gnawing on her bottom lip. "I can help, you know," she says quietly. "If you'll let me."
"Quinn."
She shakes her head. "Before you say no, just hear me out, okay?"
Rachel sighs, but manages a nod.
"If it's tuition you're worried about, we can do that together," she says. "I've secured funding for myself already, and, even though my mother hated me, she still sent me money every month, so, you know, I kind of have a a pretty decent savings going for myself." She runs a hand through her hair. "We could also save on living expenses if you just lived here."
Rachel gasps.
Quinn still won't look at her. "Table that for now, if you're uncomfortable, but please consider it an option if housing becomes a problem," she says quickly. "I just want to make your life easier. I want to - God, I just want to give you the world, and I have - this a way I can do that. I just - I don't want you to have to worry about the things you don't have to, okay?" She finally, finally looks at Rachel. "This isn't something you will ever have to do on your own ever again, okay? I am here. You have me. All of me. For forever."
And, this is it, isn't it?
This is Lucy Quinn Fabray, standing in her kitchen and telling her, with absolute certainty, that this love they have is permanent. It's forever and ever, the two of them meant to be in all the best - and maybe even in all the worst - ways.
This love they've shared, over all these years, was always meant to last. Prevail, through all the hardships, strife, prejudice, and time and distance apart. They've been tested in so many ways, and here they still are. Just a girl, standing in front of another girl, and telling her they can have it all.
Rachel is damn well going to believe her.
Liz is waiting for her, smile a little too knowing and eyes a little too wide, when Rachel finally gets back to her dorm. She's still wearing Quinn's clothes, her own stuffed into her bag slung over her shoulder.
"You didn't come home last night," Liz says once Rachel has closed the door behind her, and her voice is practically layered with suggestion. "I tried calling, but your phone is off or something?"
Rachel drops her bag on the carpet and moves to sit on Liz's bed. "Or something," she murmurs.
Liz gives her a long look. "I figured you'd be more excited about spending the night with Quinn," she says. "Didn't you get any action?"
Rachel gasps softly, and then swats at her arm. "Liz!"
"What?" she asks, all innocence. "As your roommate, it's in my job description to ask." She grins at her. "It's been three years, Rachel."
Rachel sighs, and then drops onto her back. "Believe me, I'm aware of how long it's been."
"So, what's the problem?"
"There's no problem," she says, and she means it. Maybe that is the problem. They've never really just been allowed to be together, and it's somewhat terrifying. Sure, there's the whole cutoff from her family thing and possible lack of tuition to face, and possible hit to her own promising career, but she has Quinn and finally - finally - they can live out all the plans Quinn has had for them.
"Then why do you look as if your world is ending?"
"I'm never going to see my family again," she says, and Liz freezes. "I - I always knew it was a possibility, and obviously I'm always going to choose Quinn in this scenario, but I - "
Liz won't get it, Rachel reasons, but her roommate still reaches for her closest hand and just holds it. "That's all a lot to deal with," she says, sounding sympathetic for just a moment before she very suddenly says, "but, seriously, Rach, it's been three years, and that girl is so fucking hot. Why haven't you jumped her bones already?"
Rachel laughs, loud and happy, because her roommate is an idiot. She takes a moment to sit up and look Liz in the eyes. "She basically asked me to live with her."
Liz's smile slips a little. "Oh," she murmurs. "You're leaving me."
"I didn't tell her yes."
"You'd be even more of an idiot than I think you are if you don't," Liz says; "and I ain't raised no idiot."
Rachel regards her closely. "Thank you," she says.
Liz frowns. "For what?"
Rachel doesn't think she'll ever truly be able to explain what Liz has done for her, even without trying, so she's not bothered to try. Instead, she just asks, "So, you on to New Moon yet?" and Liz lets out a long-suffering groan.
Quinn looks like a nervous puppy when she shows up at Rachel's room several hours later, and Liz invites her inside with the kind of smile that would probably terrify her if she weren't a Fabray.
Rachel is sitting on the edge of her bed and lacing up her left boot, and Quinn's heart stutters at the sight of her, right there, in the flesh.
She's real.
All of this, it's real.
Rachel eventually looks up at her, a smile spreading across her face. "There you are," she says.
"Here I am," Quinn says, rather stupidly, if you were to ask her.
Liz snorts in amusement, and Quinn flushes in embarrassment, but Rachel's smile just grows as she slowly gets to her feet and crosses the small room towards her.
"Hi," Rachel breathes, reaching a hand up to cup her left cheek.
Quinn leans into her touch. "Ready for some lunch?"
Rachel just stares at her for another slice of forever, and then forces herself to nod. "Let me just grab my coat," she says.
Quinn watches her as she moves, unashamed and so deeply in love and happiness that she doesn't even care that Rachel's roommate finds her ridiculous and amusing. She can work on her HBIC reputation later. Right now, she just wants to stare at the beautiful girl in front of her, because, God, she's finally allowed to.
Everything they've been through has basically led to this moment, right here, where Rachel pats all her pockets to make sure she has everything she needs, and then runs her hands through her hair to fluff it up before turning knowing, chestnut eyes on Quinn and saying, "I'm ready."
Quinn's breath catches in her throat, because she just knows those words refer to something other than the lunch they're about to have. She blinks once, twice, and then breathes, "Yeah?"
Rachel crosses the tiny space towards her and presses the softest kiss to her cheek, slipping their hands together. "I'm ready for everything," she confirms, voice certain.
Still, Quinn can't resist saying, "Promise?" because she just needs to hear the words.
Rachel's face twists slightly, before it settles into something soft and open, a tiny smile on her lips. "I promise," she declares, and they both know this is one promise she's definitely going to be able to keep.
The Universe be damned.
AN: Epilogue shortly to follow.