Her first rational thought was to call Amanda, to explain, despite the tears that she knew would reveal the deepest places in her heart, that she was finally and completely done with that chapter of her life; that she was looking to the next...

She'd walked up the sidewalk away from Elliot's Queens duplex in a daze, set only upon removing the building from her presence and her line of sight. She'd needed to get away, suddenly and desperately, to physically remove herself from Elliot's life as much as she had needed to remove herself emotionally. She'd made it to the end of the street before her heart had finally slowed and she'd begun to think how she'd left Amanda standing in front of her apartment and of what her newfound freedom meant for them. They'd never truly tackled what they meant their relationship to be, but Olivia suddenly wanted to know.

She slowed as she turned the corner of the sidewalk and pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her hands still held a tremble from the adrenaline as she flipped the screen towards her face, illuminating the display. The preview of her latest notification was displayed there in bright white against the dark backdrop, making the words seem even more startling.

I think I love you

For a moment, she couldn't seem to comprehend the words and the meaning of Amanda's name above them, boldly declaring them as her chirping of the birds and the slow whistle of the wind faded in her ears, taken over by the thrumming of her pulse. She felt herself sway, as her stomach, the core of her equilibrium, quavered and turned over while she read the words over and over again, trying to make sense of them.

The screen began to dim again, jarring her from her frozen state, and she suddenly tapped furiously at the screen, bringing it back to full brightness. She swiped away the lockscreen, opening the message completely.

Actually, there is something else.

I think I love you.

Something else.

Olivia swallowed hard as she scrolled upward, revealing the string of messages, some long, some short. Some part of her wanted to turn away from the truth that she knew was coming, the truth she had demanded, in order to cling to the dazed afterglow of Amanda's declaration, but she knew this moment could not sustain even her strongest denial.

Releasing an uncertain breath she found the beginning of the messages, her eyes tripping over words even as she tried to take them one at a time. Snippets of Amanda's texts caught in her mind, some burrowing deeper than others.

I trust you…

Ashamed… scared…

I broke the law…

Underground gambling room…

I won't stop. I can't.

Then finally, that's it. And again, I think I love you.

Olivia lowered the phone slowly, her fingers trembling. Her breathing was sharp and heavy, a sense of desperation clawing at her lungs. She felt off balance as she stood staring down the unfamiliar street with her heart ripped to and fro, between one heartache and another. She felt the unrealistic desire to rewind and step back in time to a place where she could make everything that had happened different. Better. But as she gazed down at the screen once more, she knew it was impossible.

Amanda's sudden confession of love lived within the same space as her admission of guilt and the two could not be reconciled. Somehow, Olivia still had to accept them.

She stood on the sidewalk for a long moment trying to fit the two pieces together. It wasn't until she called for the cab and climbed into the backseat that the tears came, flooding to her eyes with both relief and frustration.

She'd just begun to think of her life without Elliot. As uncertain as her and Amanda's relationship was, she'd hoped that the younger woman would be some part of the future.

She read the messages again and then again, hoping that they would somehow change, but the letters on the screen remained fixed and unmoving.

She hadn't even thought of beginning a reply when the cab arrived at the 16th. A text seemed too small and insignificant to hold her feelings. She needed to see Amanda.

She thanked the cabbie and paid the fare before stepping out onto the sidewalk. She gazed up at the building for a moment, imagining what she could possibly say when she saw Amanda again. If she entered the bullpen to see Amanda at her desk as though nothing was wrong she thought she might lose her nerve - if she'd ever mustered it to begin with. Her emotional energy was already drained after her confrontation with Elliot. She could still feel his mouth on her mouth, his hand on her body, his smell in her nose. They rested in her senses as familiar but unwelcome vestiges of the past, and now the place she'd begun to flee to for escape was yanked from beneath her feet.

Her heart knocked against her ribs, echoing louder and louder in her ears with growing urgency as she took the trek up to the correct floor. By the time the doors of the elevator opened, she was trembling with it. She rushed out of the carriage and into the bustling room, her eyes darting from person to person, desk to desk in her search.

Her steps slowed as she reached Amanda's empty chair and abandoned workspace. The desk was absent of her laptop and usual morning coffee as though she'd never even arrived.

She glanced over her shoulder, making another once over of the room, but Amanda's blonde head was notably missing. Her gaze tracked back across the room, coming to a halt as she found Captain Cragen standing in the doorway of his office. Their eyes met for a long moment, holding heavy implications.

Does he know…?

Olivia glanced downwards quickly before striding across the room. Cragen stepped aside, allowing her to enter as though he'd been expecting her.

"Where's Amanda?" She asked, her tone sounding breathless in her ears.

"I sent her home." Cragen said, situating his hands in his pockets in a manner that did nothing to cover the tense energy flowing between them. "On your recommendation, remember?"

"Yes." Olivia forced herself to say with a shake her head. "Of course. I just didn't expect to be today."

"She came in very upset." Cragen said slowly.

"When? Today?" Olivia demanded, wheeling around to stare at him.

"Yes…." He hesitated before reaching over to shut the door.

Olivia watched it creak shut, her blood pressure rising with each passing second.

"She reacted… violently when I told her that she needed time off. She accused me of colluding with you to 'judge' her."

"Jesus." Olivia whispered, clasping her forehead as she turned away.

Her mind was spinning and she was trying to fit together the pattern of events that had suddenly exploded into reality in the past twenty four hours. She desperately tried to fit in the puzzle piece of Amanda's confession with her bizarre behavior towards Cragen, realizing only a little too late that there were more pressing issues. Somehow it was still all that she could think of.

"She accused you of other things as well."

The statement shattered her jumbled thoughts and turned back towards him slowly.

"What things?" She whispered.

"It concerned Elliot." Cragen replied carefully.

Olivia stared at him for a second, her throat tightening sharply. Warmth spread up her neck, crawling over her cheeks with delayed mortification.

"I…" The beginning of a hastily constructed explanation scratched from her throat but Cragen held up his hand.

"I don't need the particulars, Liv, but I've explained numerous times that personal issues don't come through this door. What happened to you and Rollins working things out?"

"Captain." Olivia began, shutting her eyes briefly against further humiliation. "This is my fault. I'm going to fix this. I just need some time."

"No, you don't." Cragen replied sternly. "We're already down a man and you're…" He briefly consulted his watch. "Two hours late. You can work with Amaro or Fin today. I don't care which."

"But, Captain-" Olivia began, motioning towards the doorway with her intent to leave and find Amanda at all costs.

"We're done here." Cragen cut her off as he strode to his desk.

Olivia watched him sit and flip open the file on his desk in a dismissive manner that she knew better than to argue with. Gritting her teeth, she turned and left the office, slamming the door behind her.

She charged through the squadroom, desperately trying to stay ahead of her emotions while they ferociously lapped at her heels with each step. She rushed into the bathroom and pressed the door shut with the weight of her shoulders. She stood against the smooth, cold surface, her body hot and quaking as she tried to temper her emotions.

I just need a plan. She told herself as she furiously swiped away stray tears. If I have a plan, everything will be okay.

Tilting her head back against the door, she inhaled and exhaled deliberately until the tight squeeze of panic loosened from her chest. Finally, she opened her eyes and gazed up at the blurry panels and half burnt out lights for a long moment. Once they'd come into focus, she grabbed her phone from her back pocket and opened Amanda's message thread.

Blowing out a quick breath, Olivia began to type.

Let's talk tonight. I can't leave work atm but I think we should have a convo. A real one.

She sent the message and watched the screen until it was marked delivered. She hesitated to leave the bathroom, eager to see Amanda's response as soon as it appeared. If it appeared.

Her patience was thin, allowing barely a minute to pass before her fingers itched to type something else, as if another message would jar a response out of the woman on the other end of the phone.

"Come on, Amanda…" She murmured into the silence, willing a response to materialize on the screen.

Another stretch of silence filled the bathroom and Olivia pressed her head back against the door with a light thud. She wrestled with another onslaught of emotion, all the while questioning when she'd become so weak, so easily pliable to the whims of another. It had taken Elliot years to break down her walls, and she'd once called him the love of her life. That Amanda so easily broke her shook her deeply.

The ping of her phone was loud and abrupt in the silence, jarring her from her lapsing position against the door. She straightened suddenly, pushing away from the door as she unlocked the phone.

Did u sleep w him

The text lacked a question mark, planting Amanda's distrust clearly in Olivia's mind. She could imagine the accusation coming out of Amanda's full, downturned lips, her blue eyes shimmering with the fantasized betrayal.

No ofc not. Olivia was quick to type the response in a reaction of self defense, but she hesitated over sending the message. She'd wanted to put this to rest in person; not in a text where her words could easily be misconstrued.

Can I come by around 8

She sent the retyped message, hoping that Amanda would comply. Almost immediately, however, Olivia's phone pinged once more with a new text.

Just pls answer the question

"Oh, Amanda…" She whispered, her words skittering back to her within the echoing walls of the bathroom.

No I didn't. She tapped out the message, keeping it clear and short.

She'd wanted to admit to the kiss even if it hurt them both. She'd kept so many of her and Elliott's encounters a secret and she knew keeping another one would only make her feel sick. Saying it over a text message when she wasn't there to explain her intentions and feelings in person, however, would be a disaster. She certainly couldn't begin to broach the subject of Amanda's own confession either as much as she wanted to.

Her phone was silent for a long moment and she hesitated to leave Amanda on that note without confirming they'd be able to continue the conversation.

Can I pls come see u? She sent the message, ignoring the sense of desperation wound up in the words of the text.

When she received Amanda's reply only a moment later, relief spilled over her.

Ok.

It was short, grudging even, but those two letters were all Olivia needed to get thought the rest of the day. She had a plan and everything would be okay. At the very least she had to believe in that.

xxxxxx

Pulling up in front of Amanda's apartment building, Olivia could not help but to remember the last time she had been here. She hadn't been alone in the cab. It hardly seemed true that she and Amanda's reckless first night together had only been a few days ago. Remembering the way Amanda's thighs had felt beneath her, the hot clasp of her mouth on her lips and breasts, the touch of her fingers teasing between her legs, Olivia felt envious of her own naivety. The stakes had risen immeasurably since she'd followed Amanda out of the precinct, full of impetuous desire.

Heaving a sigh, she pushed the cab door open and stepped out into the world, unsure of her preparedness, but overcome by impatience.

Hours had passed between her desperate texts in the precinct, long, tortured minutes of waiting and wondering. The job never failed to keep her busy, but Amanda remained at the back of her mind. She'd notice her concentration suddenly broken by the smallest thing and then she would find herself gazing at Amanda's empty desk, her throat aching. All the while doubt crept in, burrowing deeply into her stomach.

Perhaps it had only been one night.

Perhaps this was for the best. Amanda obviously had issues of her own.

Perhaps she was only being naive in hoping for something more….

Just as viciously, her emotions would return, begging for some hope in the situation. By the time the workday had ended she felt exhausted by the mental thrashing she'd endured throughout the day. Still, she wanted to see her. The thought of not seeing her left an empty space inside her, too painful to endure beyond her imagination of it.

Walking up to Amanda's apartment building, she hoped Amanda shared some of her inclinations to be honest and forthright tonight.

She entered the atrium and found the buzzer for Amanda's apartment. She pressed it once firmly and stood back, her heart racing shallowly. She anxiously waited for the click of the door to open as several moments passed. She glanced back at the buzzer, ensuring she had pressed the correct button. She had.

Come on, Amanda, don't do this to me. She pleaded silently as another beat of silence passed.

Finally, she couldn't endure the waiting any longer and she pressed the button again, holding it longer and harder than before. When she released it, silence filled the small atrium once more.

"Come on." She whispered out loud, staring down the button as though it held some real time connection to Amanda.

She was about to press the button again when she heard muffled footsteps beyond the atrium. Beyond the glass doors, Amanda headed towards her, her head down. Olivia watched her, both relief and trepidation going through her as she watched her draw closer.

At last, Amanda reached the door and her eyes lifted, meeting Olivia's for a brief second through the glass. She pushed the door open and Olivia stepped back as Amanda entered the atrium.

"Amanda, thank God, I thought you…" Olivia's voice faded as Amanda's morose gaze met hers again.

"Yeah, I was gonna go out to smoke." Amanda motioned vaguely outwards, her pack gripped in her fingers.

Silence lulled between them, but Olivia could see the gloss over Amanda's eyes, speaking volumes where her words could not.

"I was telling the truth, Amanda." She murmured at last. "I actually told him to go fix things with his wife. I… I gave him his shield back."

Amanda's eyes shifted away from the street where they had wandered back towards Olivia. She hadn't spoken but Olivia's admittance had drawn her attention.

"Yeah." Olivia whispered, wanting to reach out and touch her. "I can't go back to that relationship. It's a chapter of my life that's… that's closed now."

Amanda blinked quickly and glanced down at the floor.

"Wow…" She whispered roughly. "I was imagining you and him were…."

"Well, he, uh…. He did kiss me." Olivia said quietly, hoping her careful tone would dull the blow.

Amanda's eyes snapped back to her, her brow twisting.

"And I wanted to tell you that." Olivia added, her throat tightening. "I'm tired of keeping his secrets. Of being one of them. It's, um… it's not what I want. It's not…"

Amanda stared back at her for a long moment, seemingly distrustful at first.

"Wow." She repeated roughly at last, glancing down at her pack of cigarettes and flipping the lid open.

"Do you…" Olivia began, stepping closer. "Believe me?"

Amanda was sliding the cigarette out of the pack when Olivia touched her arm softly. She glanced up quickly, her lids fluttering.

"I mean, yeah…" She whispered. "I just… "

"Just…" Olivia echoed, desperate to hear her thoughts that seemed so far from ever reaching her ears.

"I…." Amanda glanced away. "I'm going to smoke this."

"Okay…"

She watched Amanda push the door open and step outside before following after her.

The sun had begun to set, and it wouldn't be long before another night consumed them. Stepping out onto the half lit sidewalk, Olivia wondered which direction the moon and stars would take them tonight.

The door fell shut behind them and Olivia hovered on the step as Amanda leaned back against the wall and cupped the lighter to the cigarette. The scrape, click, and igniting flame seemed loud, followed by Amanda's inhale and the burning of nicotine. Amanda rested her head back against the wall, her gaze seemingly lost.

"Cragen said you were upset." Olivia said at last, unable to take the silence and the avoidance of further conversation any longer.

Amanda lifted her head, tapping out her cigarette as she glanced over at Olivia. She didn't speak as she took another drag, her cheeks hollowing before smoke streamed from her flared nostrils.

"Amanda." Olivia insisted, stepping closer to her. "I'm trying to talk to you here. I want to understand. I want-"

"You want me to be normal." Amanda said suddenly, her voice sharp. "You want me to be the person I was the first night I fucked you."

Olivia recoiled. "What?"

"I don't know what I was thinking telling you." Amanda muttered, glancing off towards the street

"Amanda, I-"

"Mott Haven? The bodega?" Amanda clarified, her blue eyes glittering like icy shards beneath the glaring light of the streetlamps. "My… issues."

Olivia felt her stomach drop further. She'd been more than willing to discuss Elliott or Amanda's feelings on her recommendation for Cragen to send her home, but perhaps Amanda was right. She wasn't exactly prepared to talk about something so personal as addiction, especially when it skirted the law. Her first instincts had been to push Amanda towards self-help and recovery, but Amanda's outright refusal of seeking any sort of help scared her. She was aware of Amanda's extracurricular behavior now, making her complicit in future late night excursions to backroom gambling halls.

Amanda's confession of love rested somewhere in the midst of the tangled mess, inextricably woven into the future of their relationship as much as the gambling issue was.

"I want to talk about that with you." Olivia murmured at last, taking another step closer to her. "I want to talk about everything."

"But what is there to say?" Amanda demanded suddenly, tears rising quickly in her eyes, her mouth trembling with the words. "Nothing you can say can change any of this."

"Do you want to change it?" Olivia asked, emotion stinging her own eyes.

Amanda breathed heavily, her eyes dancing across the street and then back to her as a quick tear streaked down her cheek.

"If I wanted to change things I'd… I'd have to go back in time." She cried at last, making a broad gesture. "I'd have to stop myself from ever going to that hotel room and getting into bed with that… that man. That bastard."

Olivia pressed her eyes shut briefly as pain clenched in her chest in commiseration. It wasn't as though she hadn't guessed that Amanda's addiction was in some way connected to the violence she'd endured in Atlanta, but hearing her speak it all over again tore at Olivia's heart.

Amanda took another trembling drag of her cigarette, tears marking her cheeks in shimmering paths. She wiped the back of her hand beneath her eye, sniffing sharply as she shook her head.

"I used to think that I'd be able to handle it. If it ever happened to me." She scoffed a mirthless laugh. "I would put myself in really terrible situations. I earned my shield posing as underage prostitutes to catch johns, and I would just… Think up the worst kinds of things. Torture that my body couldn't possibly endure just to… feel like someone. Every time one of those fucking pedos put his hands on me, it felt good because I knew my partner was on the other side of the door, you know? Like I almost hoped they'd go just one step further because then I'd really be able to get them. I was doing something worthwhile. But then…"

Her gaze met Olivia's, tears glimmering in her eyes, clinging to her lower lashes. Olivia struggled to speak, barely able to hold her gaze.

She shook her head, glancing downwards. "I'm sorry, Amanda."

"It's not your fault. It's no one's fault but my own that I convinced myself I was invincible." Amanda said quietly, her voice rough. "I thought if the day ever came that-… I never thought that it would be someone like him. I thought I would have the power to put away someone who would dare to touch a cop, a detective. I thought… people would believe me."

"I believe you, Amanda, and I'm sure that if you pursued this now there would be many people who would-"

"Yeah, but they didn't." Amanda cut her off quietly. "And I've been chasing that invincibility ever since. That power. And sometimes… I think I've found it. That's why I can't stop, Liv, don't you see?"

"But, Amanda, look at yourself?" Olivia insisted, closing the distance between them. Grabbing Amanda's face with both hands, she stroked the tears from her cheeks. "You're trying to find this thing, this power over your life, but this isn't the right way. Look at how you're torturing yourself. This isn't a way to live."

Amanda's slumped against the wall, her expression crumbling to the touch of Olivia's hands.

"I'm tired, Liv, I'm so fucking tired." She cried, her head sinking down until her forehead touched Olivia's chest.

"Shh, it's okay." Olivia murmured, wrapping her arms around her and crushing her to her neck and breast. "Sh…."

Amanda's body trembled against her, releasing heavy sobs into Olivia's neck. Olivia closed her eyes over her own burning tears and pressed her cheek against Amanda's soft hair. She rubbed her back slowly until Amanda's shoulders became still and her sobs quieted to sniffles, but she didn't release her. She felt so fragile in her arms that she wondered if she would collapse if Olivia let her go. Instead, she wrapped her arms around her tighter and kissed her temple softly, once twice, three times.

"I didn't think I could let Elliot go either." She whispered at last. "He was this…. lifeline to me. I'd felt so numb for so long that the thought of leaving him, this source of life and happiness, was as good as death. But I didn't realize… This thing that I thought gave me meaning was actually just…. Destroying me. I know it's hard, Amanda, but you have to believe in yourself. Your life is worth living even if you feel like your self worth has been taken from you. It's still there…You just have to find it."

Stroking her hand beneath Amanda's chin, she lifted her face until it was aligned with her own. Amanda's blue eyes were swollen and red, but brilliantly blue in the sparse light of the waning day, and Olivia never wanted to let her go; but she knew the cost of loving someone who vices were stronger than any relationship.

"I love you, Amanda." She whispered, stroking her cheek. "And I believe in you, but you have take control of your life. Real control."

Amanda swallowed hard, her eyes blinking slowly. "You… love me?"

Olivia ducked her head for a moment, a surge of emotion filling her chest. "Yes… And I don't trust many people with that, so that's why-"

"No, I understand." Amanda whispered, her voice surprisingly solemn and determined. "I can't hurt you."

Olivia lifted her head, meeting Amanda's wide, cerulean eyes. Her heart was shattering and coming together all at once, and she didn't know whether to believe in this moment or not, but she couldn't stop herself from leaning in. Their mouths collided, lips still wet and sharp with tears and desperation. Her fingers sank into Amanda's hair, grasping her face tighter to her own. Beneath her, Amanda's gasped, her hands trembling and grasping at Olivia's shoulders and hips. Olivia slanted her mouth over Amanda's, pressing her tongue past compliant flesh and teeth. She tasted familiar and good, and the revelation struck the breath from her lungs. She sank back, trembling as she stared into Amanda's wide, glimmering eyes.

"Just please promise me you'll try." She whispered, pleadingly.

Amanda's mouth lifted in a tremulous smile and she nodded slowly. "For you."

She wanted to make her promise that it wasn't just for Olivia but for herself as well, but she swallowed the words. It was good enough for now. She had to believe that it was the first step of many.

"Let's go inside." She whispered, smoothing her hand down Amanda's arm until she found her hand.

Amanda nodded her, hand clamping tight around Olivia. They left the sidewalk, leaving behind fraught distrust and Amanda's half smoked cigarette to grow cold on the concrete. Somewhere high above New York City, the stars and moon slipped out from behind the clouds, offering shining light towards the new day.

~the end~

Note:

Thanks to everyone who read and left wonderful on this story. It was a long process to finish this but I'm really glad I did. It was a pleasure writing it for you all :)