CHAPTER 18

Matt picked up the clock from his night stand in his officer's quarters for what seemed like the tenth time in the last hour. He had been awake since 4:00 AM, anticipating getting off shift and going home to see his wife and son. He felt bad about how he left things after their phone conversation the night before and he wanted to make it up to her. He had asked Chief Boden if he could leave an hour early just so he could get home to her that much sooner and set things right. It was completely out of character for him to be the jealous type. Afterall, Maddy had been dating Kelly Severide when they first reconnected with each other and he harbored no feelings of jealousy over that, at least not outwardly. If he had to identify why he was feeling threatened by Jackson Walker, he would have said it was because he was the one to marry Maddy first, something that Matt had always thought he would do, but life had other plans for him at the time.

Not able to sleep, Matt got out of bed and pulled on his pants. He walked over to his desk and picked up the picture of Maddy and Finn. The two people smiling at him from the frame were his entire life. Besides his dedication to the fire service, nothing mattered more to him than they did. With the exception of his sister, they were the only family he had.

"Hey, you're up early. Everything okay?" asked Severide, poking his head through Matt's door.

"Everything's fine...or at least it will be once I get home. I have an apology to make," said Matt, caressing the image of Maddy's face with his fingertip. "What are you doing up?"

"The cot in my office has a broken spring and it pokes me right between the shoulders. I gotta put in a requisition for a new one," said Kelly. "Since we're both up, you wanna grab some breakfast?"

"I'm going home early today and I was hoping to have breakfast with Maddy," answered Matt.

"Coffee then?"

Right behind you," Matt replied.

I had spent several hours looking at the photo albums that Jace had left, pouring over each picture carefully. Now, as I finally laid my head down with several open books scattered all over my bed, random thoughts kept popping into my head. It was like a running narrative of the images I had looked at in the albums. Things like "you bought that wedding dress at your favorite boutique in downtown Odessa when you were shopping with Jace's mother " and "that was one of the hottest days of the summer" could be heard inside my head. With every picture I had looked at, the same thing happened. I had no idea if they were even accurate, but they were coming fast and furious in succession. I closed my eyes in a valiant attempt to make them stop so I could get a few hours sleep before Finn woke up for the day, but to no avail. The pictures in the albums must have triggered my recall and some more of the memories that had been locked inside of me were coming out. It was as if someone had opened the gates to my subconscious a little wider. I looked at the clock to see that it was not quite 5:00 AM. Without a thought to the time, I picked up my cell phone and called Jace. I had to know what was going on and he was the best person to help me. I was both excited and terrified at the prospect of remembering things from my past. More importantly, I was worried about what Matt would think once he found out that my memory was returning. He wasn't handling Jace's return to life very well, not that I blamed him for that.

"Hey, baby...," his familiar, yet groggy voice boomed in my ear.

"Hi, Jace... I'm sorry to call you so early, but…" I said before he interrupted me.

"Are you okay, Cookie? Is Finn alright?" he asked, sounding more alert, but slightly worried.

"Yeah, yeah we're both fine. I spent some time looking at the photo albums after you left here last night and ever since then, I've been remembering a few things...a lot of things, actually. Is there any chance that you could come over to help me sort through this? I'd come over there, but Finn is still asleep and if I wake him up now, he'll be a grumpy little bugger all day and Matt is due home around 8:30," I said.

"I'll be there in thirty minutes, Cook. Just gotta throw some clothes on," he said.

"Thanks, Jace. I really appreciate it," I replied. I got out of bed, gathered the albums up in my arms and headed downstairs, stopping first to check on Finn, who was still sleeping soundly. I put on a pot of coffee and by the time it was finished brewing, Jace had arrived. I opened the front door to let him in. He was wearing the same clothes he had worn last night, only his shirt was unbuttoned, along with the button on his jeans and his belt wasn't fastened, like he had gotten dressed in a hurry and rushed out the door as quickly as he could.

"You think you're rememberin' more things, Cook?" he asked, sounding out of breath as he stepped inside the foyer.

"I don't know. I was hoping you could help me figure that out. I'm sorry to have called you so early. I didn't know what else to do," I said.

"It's no problem, Cook. I'm happy to help," he said.

"You left in such a hurry last night, you never got your sweet potato pie. Would you like it now? I made some coffee. I don't think either one of us will be going back to sleep after this," I said.

"Sounds good, Cook," he said. I led him into the dining room where I had spread out the photo albums, marking all the pictures that had brought back some sort of memory to me. I retreated to the kitchen for a few minutes to get the pie and coffee.

"Which pictures were you looking at, Cook?" he asked as I put a cup of coffee and a piece of pie in front of him.

"I marked the pages in the photo albums of the ones that brought the random thoughts to my head," I said, flipping open one of the albums. "Like this one, here," I said, pointing to a picture of me on our wedding day. "I remember buying my wedding dress. Your Mom and I drove to town in your truck that day. We bought it in a little boho boutique that I liked. I can't remember the name of it. We ate a late lunch at an outside cafe after, I think," I said.

"Jesus, Cook...that's right. You and Momma did go into town that day with my truck. Her car was in the shop and Daddy had driven to Houston that morning. That's what gave me the idea to buy you a car for your birthday."

"I also had the feeling that I was a little mad at you that day for something," I said.

"We had gone out the night before to a club and ran into my ex-girlfriend. I pulled a boneheaded stunt to show you off and it backfired. Sarah ended up getting tossed out on her ass and you were royally pissed off at me as a result. It was the first time we ever fought. You slept in another bedroom that night," he said, woefully. I could tell by the look on his face that the memory of that night still stung him.

"Should I even ask?" I said. A smile slowly broke out across his face.

"Let's just say it's not something I want to remember...except for what happened the morning after," he said. I thought I detected a slight blush to his cheeks as his smile widened.

"That grin on your face gives you away, Walker," I said, feeling my own cheeks flush.

"Yeah, well...I wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to you, Cookie," he said. Instinctively, I squeezed his forearm and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"You crack my heart," I said, softly.

"You fill mine up" he replied, tilting his head sideways until it was touching mine.

Matt stood at his locker, stuffing dirty clothes into his duffle bag and running the words he wanted to say to Maddy over and over in his head. He wasn't crazy about Jackson Walker being in his house last night, but he trusted his wife and that was all that mattered. He owed her an apology for how he acted when he called her and he was leaving his shift early so he could get home to her and Finn. He hoped he would get home early enough so that all of them could have a nice Saturday breakfast together. Getting a weekend off was a rare thing for Matt and Sundays were his favorite days to be at home with his family. Maddy always planned something special for Sunday dinner, including an amazing dessert. He loved being home, playing with Finn and helping her in the kitchen. It was like the three of them were in their own little microcosm, completely detached from the world around them. It was days like those that allowed him to recharge his batteries and be thankful for all that he had.

"Headed out?" Severide's voice cut through the relative quiet of the locker room.

"Yeah, soon," he said looking at his watch. It was ten minutes before seven. Matt didn't think the Chief would mind if he ducked out a little early.

"Good luck, bro," said Severide, patting him on the back. Matt shoved the rest of his things into the duffle bag before zipping it up and slinging it over his shoulder.

"Thanks, Kelly," he said. He walked out of the locker room and through the door in the apparatus floor out to his truck. He tossed the duffle bag on the passenger seat and slid in behind the steering wheel. He took a deep breath in, blowing it out as he slid the key into the ignition. He remembered how pissed off Maddy sounded on the phone last night. As mad as she was, it wasn't half as much as he was mad at himself. He trusted her with his life and he felt like a fool for even intimating that there was something more going on between her and Walker. He would make it right when he got home.

"More coffee?" I asked as Jace took the last bite of sweet potato pie from his fork. He had eaten two pieces and washed them down with several cups of coffee.

"Just enough to warm it up, baby," he said, holding up his coffee mug. He had been calling me 'baby' for the last couple of hours, but with the amount of reminiscing that we had done about our life together, it seemed perfectly natural for him to call me that.

"Thanks so much for helping me with this," I said, topping off his cup.

"I'm glad I could help, Cook. This helped me too." he said. "It feels incredible to know that our life together isn't lost to you anymore," he said, taking a big gulp from his cup, peering over it with his steely blue eyes.

"Yeah, it does feel good. I feel like I've finally found the piece of the puzzle that has been missing for years," I said.

"We had a hell of a time, Cook. It makes me happy to know you remember more of it now," he said.

"The weird thing is that I remember meeting you in Mexico and everything that happened right up to when I graduated college. After that though, the memories were always murky. I suppose that was a good thing, considering the circumstances. It's what allowed me to get on with my life," I said. Jace nodded his head, but remained silent. "Now I know that we shared a great life... and a great love," I said, softly. A few tears rolled down my cheeks as I squeezed Jace's arm. He took my hand in his and gently rubbed his thumb across my knuckles.

"It was a love that came big and hard, Cook. Like nothin' I ever felt before or since. You rememberin' our wedding day lifts my heart, especially since today would have been our sixteenth wedding anniversary, " he said, lifting my hand to his mouth.

"Oh, Jackson…" I whispered. He cleared his throat, abruptly let go of my hand and pushed himself away from the table to stand up.

"I'd better get goin', Cook. Finn will be wakin' up and your husband will be comin' home soon. I don't want to intrude on your family time. I already did that once and that was uncomfortable," he said, rubbing his face and tucking a strand of his long hair behind his ear. I got up from the table and helped him pack up the photo albums in the bags he brought them in. Jace picked up the bags and headed towards the front door with me following behind him. We walked out onto the porch where Jace put the bags down and turned to face me.

"Thank you again for last night, Cookie. It was nice having you all to myself for a little while. Plus, we got to reminisce some and I got acquainted with your little guy," he said.

"I'm the one that should be thanking you, cowboy. I call you at an ungodly hour and you're here by my side in a flash. You didn't even think twice about it," I said.

"I'd do anything for you, you know that," he said.

"I do and I appreciate it more than I could ever adequately tell you," I replied.

"I'm probably gonna be headin' back to Texas in a few days. Will I be able to see you one more time before I go?" His blue eyes burned bright under his long dark lashes and I could feel my heart hurting as he stared down at me. The thought of seeing him again filled my heart with a new found kind of love, something different than what Matt and I shared. I couldn't explain it if I tried. He had given me so much in the last few hours and had shared some very special memories that I would keep inside me and never forget.

"I'd like that, cowboy," I said softly, feeling a few tears fall onto my cheeks. A smile broke out across his face as he leaned down slowly.

"Come here, you," he said as he bent at the knees slightly and wrapped his arms around me in a big bear hug. He lifted me up and held me close. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held onto him tightly.

"Happy anniversary, cowboy," I whispered against his ear.

"Happy anniversary, Cookie. You know by now that I still love you like crazy, don't you baby?" he said, pushing his face into my hair and against the side of my neck. I wrapped my legs around his hips, gripping his shoulders even harder. I nodded my head, unable to speak because of the tears that were falling fast and hard now. I wanted to tell him that I felt love for him too, but my mouth wouldn't move. I just held onto him, fighting with my emotions to keep from saying something that would ultimately betray Matthew, even though it would be the truth. I could remember the love that Jace and I had shared so vividly now, it scared me. It was like I had been transported back fifteen years and we were reuniting after his tour of duty in Iraq. My head was in the here and now, but my heart was torn between two different places in time.

"I came here not knowin' much about your life, but still hopin' that I could get you to come back to Texas with me. I know now that that ain't gonna happen," he said.

"You are an incredible man, Jackson. I will never forget you or all the things that you did for me. You brought love back into my life when I was at my lowest and feeling like I'd never love anyone again," I said. I held his face in my hands and looked him straight in the eyes, which were wet with his own tears. I placed a soft kiss on his cheek, but he unexpectedly turned his head, landing his lips on mine. His hands splayed out across my back, holding me even tighter against his body. He deepened the kiss, tasting my mouth inside and out and I was once again powerless to stop him. I dug my nails into the skin of his shoulders and let him kiss me in the way that two lovers would kiss each other. It didn't feel wrong and in spite of all the opposition I could have brought to this moment, I simply let him continue. I could sense that he needed this as the tenseness in his body melted away with each passing second. Maybe this is what he needed to finally get his closure. He pulled his mouth away from mine and let me slide slowly back down to the porch. I let my hands caress his bare chest as I gazed up at this man, this beautiful man that I used to love so fiercely at one time.

"Goodbye for now, baby," he said, rubbing his thumb across my lower lip. I watched him as he loaded the bags into the back seat of his Hummer, then drove away from the house. It was as if the epilogue to our life had just been written and although I had a new life with a man I loved, a tremendous sense of sadness filled me and I wept as I watched him leave. When his vehicle was out of sight, I walked back into the house and closed the door behind me. I leaned my head back against the door, feeling like I had lost him all over again. I wiped my eyes and ran my fingers through my hair.

"Come on, Maddy. Pull yourself together. Matt's on his way home and Finn will be up and bouncing off the walls soon," I said. With that, I forced myself into the kitchen to start breakfast. I wanted to surprise Matt with homemade cinnamon rolls, one of his favorite things. I was determined to make this a good day.

Matt sat in his truck, unable to move. He had turned onto his street and immediately spotted the unmistakable big black Hummer parked in front of his house. He pulled over to the other side of the street, parking a few houses down and watched his wife and Jackson Walker standing on the front porch. Maddy was dressed in her short pink lace nightie and Walker appeared to have thrown his clothes on in a big hurry. His shirt was unbuttoned and his pants weren't buckled. Matt felt sick at the sight of them, but when Walker picked Maddy up in his arms and kissed her like he was her lover, he was filled with a blinding hot rage.

"Closure, my ass..." he muttered, feeling the anger rise up inside him. He had suspected all along that Walker had designs on Maddy and he finally had proof that he was right. What he hadn't expected was that his wife would give in to Walker's advances. Just a few hours ago, he felt sorry for her and the way he attacked her on the phone when he learned that Walker was at his house. Now, he was overcome with resounding grief at witnessing Maddy and Walker in a passionate exchange the morning after. He didn't want to believe that Maddy would betray him like this, but there she was with her arms and legs wrapped around that sonofabitch, like a cat hanging onto a tree trunk for dear life. Maybe there was a simple explanation that would exonerate his wife, but Matt was having difficulty believing it. There was a familiarity to their touch of each other, almost like the kind that he and Maddy shared. By watching the two of them in this very public spectacle, he convinced himself that Walker had stayed the night and that he and Maddy had slept together.

He was torn between wanting to put his head in his hands and cry and wanting to storm out of his truck and confront the two of them. Fighting against both of these instincts, he took out his cell phone instead and punched in a few familiar numbers. It rang several times before the person he was calling answered.

"Hey, Gabby...it's Matt. Is that offer to have coffee still open? Great. Can you meet me at Intelligentsia in about an hour? OK, I'll see you then," he said before ending the call. He shoved his phone into his pocket before glancing back at his front porch. Walker and his Hummer were gone and Maddy had gone back into the house. He briefly thought about calling her to tell her he'd be home late, but decided against it. He was too angry and hurt to give her any kind of courtesy. He wanted her to wonder about where he was, just like he was wondering about what had happened between her and Walker, even though he already knew.

"Fuck them," he said as he pulled away from the curb.