Chapter 19 - Feelings

"What?" Neil mumbled, surprised by his wife's enquiry into his whereabouts. It was unlike Philippa. "I was working late, didn't you get my text?"

"Let's act like the adults we are and be honest with each other," Philippa said calmly, taking a sip of her wine. "Where were you, Neil?"

Neil stayed silent, analysing his wife in the dim light. Despite her face being covered in shadow, he knew that she knew. Although she held the large glass in her hand, looking at the bottle on the countertop he could see that it had been the first of the liquor removed. His wife wasn't drunk, she didn't even appear to be angry. Neil wasn't sure what quite to make of it all. He wondered how she had found out.

"So, " Philippa began, reaching behind her for a piece of paper. "Andrea Dunbar..."

Neil felt his heart leap into his throat as Philippa turned over the paper and laid it out in front of herself, facing Neil. It was another copy of that picture, the one of him kissing Andrea.

"Where did you get that?" Neil found himself asking.

"It was posted through the door when I got home," Philippa said flatly. "Someone certainly seems to have it out for you."

Remaining silent, Neil had a million thoughts running through his head. Why would the blackmailer have shown it to Philippa already? Had they sent copies to other people? Was this done by Gabriel, Bruce or even someone else? The questions he had were endless but for now his wife demanded his focus.

"You introduced me to her at Jim and June's wedding," Philippa observed as she glanced quickly at the photograph. "Intelligent, young, attractive. She certainly kept throwing sideways looks at you but I didn't perceive her as a threat."

"Philippa..." Neil tried to interject but Philippa kept on talking.

"So when did it all start?"

"Does it matter?" Neil said. "I'll admit to my affair with Andrea, okay? The details aren't important."

"Neil, I've just found out my husband is having an affair, am I not entitled to ask questions?"

Although her words reflected a woman hurt and scorned by her husband's betrayal, somehow Philippa's voice stayed almost void of emotion. Neil had expected something, whether it would be upset, anger or a combination of the two he wasn't sure. However, this calm collectedness that was very typical of his wife unsettled him in this moment.

"What good is finding out the details going to do?" Neil sighed, knowing that behind that cold exterior, in some way Philippa was suffering. "I don't want to bring more pain to you."

"Does she love you?" Philippa continued, ignoring Neil.

"Yes," Neil responded.

"And do you love her?"

"Philippa..."

"Neil, it's a simple question. Do you love her? Have you told her that you love her?"

"Yes and yes," Neil mumbled, once again offering honest answers but with no extra information.

"Was that before or after you found out she was an undercover journalist?"

"Before," Neil said, taking a deep breath. "But the truth about her didn't just stop my feelings."

"And you're still seeing her now?" Philippa said, keeping eerily composed. "Despite that you're whole relationship was based on lies."

Once again Neil remained silent. He didn't know how to explain everything to Philippa, a Detective Inspector dating a journalist would seem absurd to many and the depth of his feelings for Andrea was something he knew that his wife would never be able to understand.

"Were you going to leave me?" Philippa asked directly, looking Neil in the eye.

"I wanted to move in with Andrea a while ago, yes. But she wasn't so sure. I had to persuade her. Then, as you probably an gather, things got a bit complicated."

"And is that still you're intention at some point? To move in with her?"

"Maybe," Neil answered awkwardly. He felt uncomfortable discussing his romance with Andrea.

"Do you really think you can live happily ever after with someone who has deceived you so thoroughly? The Andrea you fell in love with wasn't a real person. She was an undercover journalist. How do you know she isn't using you for information?"

"What are you saying Philippa?" Neil questioned as his wife struck a nerve. The questions she was asking were the questions he had been asking himself over and over ever since Andrea's true identity was exposed.

"What I'm saying Neil is that I don't blame you. She has seduced you. We can put this behind us and move on. Our marriage will be stronger and better for it. Your will continue to thrive in your career."

Neil let his wife's words sink in for a minute. She made it all sound so simple, like his whole affair could just be erased and everything could return to how it had been. But it was Philippa's desire to keep up appearances, bottle up her feelings and pretend like nothing was wrong that had encouraged Neil to pursue the interest he had in Andrea in the first place. It was in this moment Neil finally realised for certain that he needed more.

"You really want to know why this affair all started?" Neil sighed, grabbing another wine glass and filling it before taking a seat on the stall next to Philippa.

"Yes," Philippa said, a slight quiver in her voice, the first thing to give a away any inkling that she seemed to care about the whole situation.

"It just started as a fling. It wasn't planned..."

"And what? Does she do things in bed that I wouldn't?"

"Philippa, please," Neil said, looking down at his hands. He did feel ashamed at what he had done. The affair was out of character for him and he could see how his wife could easily write it off as him just being vulnerable to a pretty woman's charm. However, he wanted to try and make his wife understand what exactly he had found in Andrea, even though he was never very good at expressing his feelings.

"I went to her for something that I wanted here," Neil began before being interrupted.

"So I am to blame for all this?" Philippa said, defensively.

"No, I am not looking to blame you at all," Neil muttered, struggling to express eloquently what he was trying to say. "I'm just trying to explain how I feel..."

"Well, that will be a first."

Neil decided to ignore his wife's remark and continue.

"It wasn't the sex, it was a kind of intimacy and warmth that I found with Andrea that was absent in our own relationship. So driven by our careers, no time for each other..."

"Our relationship has never been about all that, Neil. We do what we are good at. The way we conducted our lives was never something I perceived as a problem."

"Maybe I didn't know what was missing before," Neil suggested, his own thoughts about the whole situation running through his mind.

"So you had an epiphany and you want me to be more like a woman who lied not only to you, but to the whole of Sun Hill in an attempt to get some big headlines?" Philippa laughed. "Warmth and intimacy isn't me, Neil."

"I'm not asking you to change, Philippa," Neil said putting his hand on his wife's shoulder but she instantly shrugged it off. "I don't expect you to understand. I'm not sure I even fully do myself. But what I can tell you is that I'm not happy. You're not happy. You may think you are but you're kidding yourself if this is all you think our life could be."

"So if you're not asking me to change, what are you trying to say?"

"I think we should end our marriage," Neil proposed, hardly believing that he had finally had the courage to say it. A mix of emotions washed over him: Guilt, anxiousness and even some sadness and happiness both at once. But the most overwhelming of them all was relief.

Neil knew his world was crashing down around him. The blackmailer had already revealed his affair to at least one person, Neil didn't know how many more people were going to find out but he believed it to be inevitable that the whole of Sun Hill would find out soon enough. It was possible the end of his career was coming, as well as the end of his friendships and his marriage and it was the prospect of losing everything that made him realise that despite the deception, he knew his and Andrea's love for each other was real. That was the one thing in his life he refused to lose and knew he would fight to keep hold of, no matter what.