A/N: Text in italics is used for quotes from 36 Lessons of Vivec and Sotha Sil's memories.
Incalculable
Astia never expected to see him again, and his presence unnerved her. Her first instinct was to run to him, to feel the sense of safety and belonging that she so missed, but Sotha Sil didn't look moved by seeing her, his hands crossed behind his back as he stared back at her from across the room.
"What are you doing here… my lord?" It was hard for her to speak and unwittingly she reverted to the safety of protocol so ingrained in her.
"Such level of formality does not belong between us." Sotha Sil replied. "We stepped far past it; wouldn't you agree?"
"You remember." Said the vestige, surprised.
"You seem to think little of me, for someone who professed to love me." Sotha Sil's words shocked her with how cutting and forward they were.
"Our paths diverge, yes." he added, "But do not try to diminish the past by pretending it never happened. It is disrespectful to both of us. Moreover, it rarely helps."
"I do not wish to go there." replied Astia. "There will never be a right time; I'd rather rely on memories you helped me create, for we both know you cannot give me what I seek."
Sotha Sil remained silent, his gaze unreadable as he looked at her.
"That much is true." he said eventually. "Still, I promised to protect you, just like Tanval Indoril wanted me to."
Astia could hear steps approaching from the hallway and turned around to face whoever was about to enter the chamber.
"My lord Seht." Valsirenn looked relieved. "I am ever so glad to see you return to Artaeum."
"I felt recent developments demanded my presence. What of Mephala, Clavicus and Ur-dra?"
Valsirenn proceeded to narrate the most recent events, and Astia followed with a measure of difficulty, intensely aware of the presence behind her back.
"I fear it may already be too late, my lord." concluded Valsirenn sadly.
"Not yet, by my calculations." Astia heard Sotha Sil approach and almost jumped when his hands settled on her shoulders. Valsirenn's eyes widened in surprise. "And not when we have the most important variable in the equation."
"I fail to grasp your meaning, my lord." Valsirenn said.
Astia could feel warmth seeping through her tunic, its source a palm made of flesh, still not replaced by brass.
"One that has a history of prevailing in the face of impossible odds." The vestige shivered as she felt Sotha Sil's hands squeeze her shoulders, as if in reassurance. "I have learned enough to know you can do it again."
The vestige shook her head and stepped away from the sorcerer, letting his hands slide off her shoulders. She turned around to face him, almost forgetting they were not alone, and tried her best to look at him without emotion.
"Your trust in me is too much."
"And yet it is implicit." he replied calmly. "I know you need to go now. Be safe till next I see you, Astia."
The vestige opened her mouth immediately to give an automatic reply, but Sotha Sil was faster.
"Don't."
Astia nodded slowly, trying her best to control herself in front of Valsirenn.
"Be safe till next I see you, Sil."
He nodded back and turned around, as if satisfied upon hearing her call him only by his name. Almost immediately, he was already busy poring through a tome that materialised and floated in the air in front of him, paying her no mind.
The vestige shook her head and left the chamber, followed by Valsirenn. She could almost feel the mage's curious gaze upon her and was grateful that the elf had enough tact not to press her for information.
In his study in Ceporah tower, Sotha Sil had just finished informing his fellow tribunes of the threat; his head hung low as he worried that not even their combined powers might weather the coming storm should the vestige and he fail.
As the sorcerer raised his head, he could see that the magicka mirror that reflected Almalexia had already dissipated, but to his surprise Vivec lingered.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I feel it is I who should be asking the question, Sil."
"I do not get your meaning, brother." Sotha Sil shook his head.
Vivec's thumb and index finger rubbed his chin in a gesture that the sorcerer was very familiar with – he caught a scent like a bloodhound on a hunt, and he would not let go. Suddenly, he wished he could just dissipate Vivec's mirror with no consequence, but he knew his overly dramatic brother would not appreciate it.
"You seem different somehow, Sil." said Vivec, "Worried, but at the same time more… vibrant. What a conundrum."
Sotha Sil opened his mouth to speak, but Vivec was faster.
"I realise the next sentence to come out of your mouth is likely to be: 'No brother, I have no idea what you are implying', but think carefully before you utter the words – I know you very, very well."
Sotha Sil sighed in exasperation.
"The world as we know it may end, and you feel we have time for trivial conversations?"
Vivec pursed his lips.
"I only want to help you, brother." he said. "Your mind seems preoccupied, and it does not bode well for the potential solution to the crisis we find ourselves in."
"Fine." Sotha Sil conceded. "Ask whatever you want and let us get this over with. I know you well enough too - you will not let this go unless your curiosity is sated."
"So, what happened? An experiment gone wrong? Fascinating, yet frustrating research? What did Divayth do this time? Or did you have another falling out with your friend, Luciana?"
"No."
"Is it about Nocturnal?" Vivec continued his interrogation. "She almost prevailed last time. She would have, if not for Astia."
"Of course, the probability of Nocturnal's success worries me." replied Sotha Sil, "The odds are against us, but… no."
"You are not making this easy, not that I expected you would, Sil." Vivec shook his head. "Let us change the subject for a while to one much more enjoyable. Since I have already mentioned her… How is my beautiful Champion these days? I admit I truly miss her company."
"The vestige is not your champion, brother."
"I am pretty sure I named her one, Sil."
"In front of the whole city, where she could not refuse without dishonoring you, as you suspected she would, had you offered without witnesses."
"Ah, you got me there." admitted Vivec. "She is such a delightful puzzle! Charisma, fighting prowess and such a fascinating story! But at the same time, she is somber and withdrawn, much like you. I wanted to keep her longer in Vivec City, but she ran off with Divayth Fyr to save you, I hear. And now you are monopolising her time again. Not fair, Sil. Give her back."
"You are acting like a petulant child, Vivec." Sotha Sil replied. "She is not a toy for you to play with. She continues to defy the odds, and by my calculations, she may yet have a chance to save us all. And as such, I need her here."
"Mhmmm." Vivec nodded. "Astia is quite brilliant, isn't she? If her deeds were not enough to substantiate that claim, Ayem's dislike of her would. She has low tolerance for greatness that has potential to rival her own."
"The vestige is very attached to titles, as I am sure you noticed, brother." Sotha Sil replied, trying to ignore Vivec's worrisome comment about Almalexia. "She would not appreciate you referring to her by only her given name."
"True." Vivec admitted. "I was hoping she'd allow me past that façade."
Sotha Sil's eyes narrowed.
"I don't like what you are implying."
"You are such a prude, Sil." sighed Vivec. "I would love to bathe in this light, if only for a moment; to express my gratitude through… other means. My Champion is wound up so tight she might break – she needs to relax. There's time for war, and there's time for pleasure."
"You will do no such thing." Sotha Sil's voice sounded angry. "I will not let anyone disrespect her, especially my own brother."
Vivec looked surprised at first, but then smiled.
"I admit, I only started talking about her on a whim, but look at you. She is the reason for your odd behaviour, isn't she?"
The sorcerer sighed, knowing there was no point in denying Vivec's words.
"Yes."
"Tell me."
"I…" Sotha Sil paused, "I don't know how."
"I cannot recall when you last said you didn't know something." admitted Vivec. "Then show me."
"No."
Vivec remained silent for a while, taken aback by the immediate refusal of a request that his brother had always acquiesced in before and then shook his head.
"I see." he said. "You already claimed her. I admit, it hurts my pride a bit – perhaps I should have acted sooner."
"Astia is not a thing, and thus cannot be claimed." said Sotha Sil. "I wish you'd remember that from now on, brother. I will not allow you to toy with her as you do with all your passing fancies. And it has nothing to do with pride."
"What is it then?"
The sorcerer considered his next course of action carefully before he decided to reveal but one memory.
He felt strange in the softness of her embrace, so accustomed to unyielding brass; strange, but not uncomfortable. The warmth of her skin felt alien but comforting. She leaned back and took his face in her hands; her eyes, with that uncanny shade between dawn and rust, looked straight at him, as if she needed no mind-meld to see right into his soul.
"I know you could read it in my mind, but I want to say it aloud, only once. I am selfish this way." she said as her thumbs caressed his face. "I love you, Sil."
Astia's face was bathed in the combined glow of the two moons, their pale shine softening her features into otherworldly beauty, so intense it was hard to look upon. He had lived through centuries, and yet at this moment he felt that he had not seen much that could rival it. He felt hollow and small, unworthy of the feelings she offered him.
"You are anything but selfish, Astia." When he replied, he felt the inadequacy of his words, shamed by her unconditional understanding.
"If I were as selfless as you think me to be, it wouldn't be so hard to part from you." There was sadness and melancholy in Astia's smile.
Her eyes shone as she looked at him, as if she were trying to hold back tears.
"I will miss you." She said and hid her face in the crook of his neck. He wanted to say something, anything, saddened and angered by his inability to act.
He gathered her closer and waited for her to fall asleep. He kissed her forehead, overcome by a rare moment of tenderness, though unsure what he wished his action to express, and carried her back to the small, wooden home they had shared for the past two days. He stayed long after she fell asleep, reluctant to part from her warmth, though she would never know it. He disappeared before she awoke.
Vivec stared into space long after the memory ended.
"First of all, I apologise. Had I known, I would never have said such things." he said eventually. "Other than that… It would be a beautiful chapter in a story, brother, if not for the sadness you seem to have caused."
"I know." said Sotha Sil, averting his gaze. "We parted ways."
"Why?"
"Why?" Sotha Sil gave Vivec a surprised glance. "There's no place for that in my existence. I do not belong only to myself. I bear responsibility for our purpose, for all those who rely on me to protect them."
"And yet with her, you feel less of a burden and it makes you feel guilty, correct?"
The sorcerer remained silent for a long while.
"That is… an accurate assessment of the situation." he admitted.
"Your loyalty to Nerevar is astonishing, Sil." Vivec commented; "You accepted the powers of the Heart only because you wanted to protect, and you never expected some of the results. You never suspected that out of spite, Azura would curse not only us, but all our people. Did you think I forgot your guilt, your anguish? Even after hundreds of years, your focus is not on all the good you have caused, but on the betrayal of Nerevar's trust. It was not right of him to exact that kind of promise from us. It's high time you stopped punishing yourself."
"I'm not…" Sotha Sil shook his head, trying to find proper words. "They way I am, I cannot… I should never have let myself get so close."
"Is that so?" Vivec titled his head. "It didn't stop you from taking what you wanted though. That kind of selfishness is more like me, not you, Sil. Carnal pleasure is beautiful, but becomes difficult to navigate when love is involved, and my Champion loves you. Do you love her?"
"I don't remember what that means. And stop using that term when talking about her."
Vivec shook his head.
"I swear, talking to you at times is just like talking to one of your factotums, Sil."
"I remember enough…" Sotha Sil started, "She made me recall, recently. I remember enough to know I am not capable of giving her what she wants."
There was a pensive look on Vivec's face.
"You mean that woman, your apprentice?" he asked, "What was her name, Farare? Faril?"
The memory flickered to life before Sotha Sil could stop it.
Farena looked at him sadly, her eyes shining with tears.
"You're just so cold to me, you never seem to open up. I can't be with you like this. We're not equals. We never have been." her voice shook slightly, but she managed to maintain her composure even now. "I don't wish to say goodbye, but I fear I must. We're worlds apart, you and I."
Farena stormed out of the chamber, and he knew she would never return. It hurt, thought he didn't know what to say or think. It seemed like he never did.
"Ah, now I remember. Lady Andrano was magnificent in her own right." said Vivec. "Still, Astia Varo… she is like Ayem in at least one regard – she is unique. Inspirational. But also formal, polite, and has always kept me at arm's length. People are drawn to her, but she doesn't trust easily."
"And you know why she doesn't." he added, observing Sotha Sil closely. "Of course you do, because you have that trust. You may never meet another like her. Or are you scared of her mortality and the void that will follow?"
"We're not immortal, although you prefer to ignore this fact. I have tried to analyze it many times, and still I fail to understand why she would love someone like me. By all calculations, I can only hurt her, and that will never be my goal."
"It seems to me you already have." Vivec said, "What is it that you are really afraid of?"
Sotha Sil looked away for a moment.
"I didn't want to go back." He admitted.
"I'm not sure I understand you."
"To Clockwork City." explained Sotha Sil quietly. "I wanted to stay, to follow her to Cyrodiil, or wherever she'd like to go. And now that I have seen her again, the wish only grows stronger."
Vivec looked shocked.
"Why?" he asked, "Why would you want to abandon all you've built? Everything we've achieved?"
"I'm tired. So tired."
Silence blanketed both for a long while. The mechanisms in the study ticked incessantly, their rhythmic sound stretching in the dark-blue air surrounding the motionless sorcerer, his eyes unfocused as he tried to find words to shape the tumultuous state of mind he was not used to.
"Unlike you, I've always preferred to follow, not lead." When he spoke, Sotha Sil's voice was quiet. "Astia's charisma is natural, but it's her choices that make her truly compelling; in fact, it terrifies me how easy it would be for me to do just that – give up on all those who depend on me and follow her, warm myself by the flame that burns inside her, bask in the love and devotion she's offered me, although I'm undeserving of her. I mustn't.
"Everything… the Tribunal… it has gone too far, Vivec. I've never wanted any of this, but it's too late for me to turn back now. For a moment, I thought I could see a door in the cell I am in, but that was an illusion. Astia and I are on separate paths, and I cannot afford to stray from mine."
Vivec observed him for a long while, his gaze calm and unnerving.
"You fail to understand something crucial."
Sotha Sil looked at his brother, brows furrowed.
"For one, you may be wrong to assume you'd have to give up on one thing to have the other. And more importantly… Love is incalculable, Sil."
The sorcerer scoffed.
"Do not quote your own sermons to me."
"And why shouldn't I when they find a perfect application in your situation? After all, the full sentence I quoted is 'love is only satisfied by a considerable, incalculable effort.'"
"'Some will give up for it is easier to kiss the lover than become one.'" he continued. "Tell me I'm wrong."
"Maybe you're not."
"Maybe?" Vivec smiled, "You shouldn't give up on her – not when she's made you say that word."
Sotha Sil said nothing more and Vivec's projection extended its hand towards the sorcerer.
"I shall unnerve you with one more quote of my writings before I go, brother. For your sake I hope you take it to heart."
The mirror projection dissipated, but the silvery outlines of the words hung in the air of Sotha Sil's study.
Make of your love a defense against the horizon.