Chapter 23 – The Nightmare

Hermione was curled up on the couch with a large book when Draco returned from his walk with Harry. Her face lit up when she saw him and she put her book on the couch and stood quickly. "You're in one piece!" She ran to him and threw her arms around his neck and he smiled, he seemed to like it when she did that. Good, she thought to herself, she liked it too.

"You don't think I could hold my own against Potter?"

"Well, he's training to be an Auror, and he did kill Voldemort," she pointed out.

Draco shook his head, "On a technicality, and thanks to me, a part everyone seems to forget." He pulled her into a kiss then and she let herself melt into it, then remembered she'd meant to apologize to him.

"I'm so sorry, about Harry's class, you were-" he cut her off with another kiss, then moved to her neck and she tried to remember what she'd been meaning to say, "I was wrong, I shouldn't, have - uh," she was struggling to focus and Draco pulled away and laughed throatily.

Hermione pulled back to look at him and he was smiling widely and her heart fluttered in response. Huge smiles like this were still rare for him and she treasured every one. She was sure that if her friends could see this Draco, they wouldn't have as much of a problem with the two of them. She remembered then why he was in such a good mood and said, "Congrats on the game, by the way," then she remembered where he'd just come from and added, "How was the, uh - walk?"

Draco let go of her waist and she stepped back out of his arms. "It was fine – but I don't want to talk about Potter. I've had enough of him for a lifetime, and I'm guessing this is just the beginning. Were you crying?" he brushed his hand across one of her cheeks which was damp.

Hermione blushed. "It's just my book," she explained.

He laughed at her, "Of course." He stretched out on the couch then and propped his legs on the table. She stepped over his legs to the other couch where her book was laying and picked it up as she sat down, clutching it to her chest.

"This book is literally breaking my heart."

Draco shook his head at her and chuckled. But he was looking at her in a You are so cute way and not a You're completely insane way, so she continued, "I was actually having a hard time focusing in lessons yesterday because I'm worried about these characters. I want David to find the courage to face his fears. And I desperately want him and his father to make up. And when I'm finished reading, I'll miss them, almost as if they've died. It's a little pathetic, isn't it? To feel so deeply for a story?"

Draco was looking into the fire and she thought he wasn't listening, then he said, "You must see yourself in them, the characters, somehow. Otherwise you wouldn't have such a strong reaction."

Hermione moved to the edge of her couch and leaned onto the armrest and asked, "Do you ever get into books like that?"

"No. But I don't feel for others like you do. I'm just too selfish I guess," he said it in a matter-of-fact way, like it was simply an observation.

"I don't agree. I think maybe you're just too practical." She sat back onto her heels and sighed. "Isn't it amazing how some authors can do that? Incite an actual, visceral reaction from me? But they don't know anything about me. And these people," she pointed at the book then, "aren't real."

Draco thought about it for a second, then looked away from the fire into her eyes, "You know we talk a lot about reality."

Hermione looked down at her book, then responded, "You're right. If this were a story, that would certainly be a theme."

Draco slunk across his couch toward her like an animal and teased, "If this were a story, I would be the evil dragon - because, you know, Draco. And you'd be the fair maiden, locked in his tower." He grazed her neck with his teeth then and growled. She jumped back out of his reach.

"Yes, but in that one, the dragon earns the fair maiden's affection and with a single kiss," she bent back toward him and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, "he's transformed back into a handsome prince."

She put her hand up to his face and cupped his cheek and he turned to kiss her palm, then his eyes grew sad and he pulled away, "But this isn't a story Granger, in real life the evil dragon stays an evil dragon, no matter how many times the fair maiden kisses him."

"You're not evil, Draco."

"I am," He sat back then and looked pensive and she wondered what he was thinking about.

"Do you think our story will have a happy ending?" she asked tentatively and held her breath while she waited for his response.

Draco shrugged, "It started with a happy ending, didn't it? Good overcomes evil, Dark Lord defeated, Harry Potter saves the day. So I guess there's nowhere to go but down."

She leaned over to him and gave him a peck on the cheek, "You're so pessimistic."

"Someone needs to balance you out," he caught her chin and held her still while he placed a kiss on her lips, as if her kiss on the cheek wasn't good enough. Then Draco leaned back on his couch and groaned, looking over at the clock. "I should go," he said as if leaving was the last thing he wanted to do.

Hermione bit her lip, thinking, then said, "You can stay."

He looked back at her surprised, then grinned suggestively. Her eyes widened as she realized what he was thinking, "I mean, nothing – like that, well you know…" she was blushing profusely and Draco was laughing at her.

"The word is sex Granger."

"Yes, I know."

"Or shagging, making love, sleeping together, fu-"

"Yeah, yeah, I know those words too Draco," she was properly embarrassed now and was regretting asking him to stay.

"Well you never say-" he started, but she put her hand over his mouth, then clarified, "I simply meant that if you wanted to, you could sleep here, with your clothes on. Well maybe your shirt could come off," she added with a smirk. She felt something wet on her hand then and dropped it quickly, "Hey! Did you just lick me?"

"Gross, right?" He gave her an evil grin, then stood up and took his shirt off, looking back at her wickedly. Hermione kept her eyes on his face, knowing he would tease her mercilessly if she took this opportunity to admire his body.

"I'll stay." He stared back at her for a few seconds and she kept his gaze, then he shook his head and turned toward her bedroom. "Come on Granger," he called over his shoulder, "stop overthinking it."

A few hours later, Hermione was shocked awake by Draco thrashing next to her. She turned the lamp on and saw he was still sleeping and obviously in the middle of a nightmare. She hesitated, being awoken from a nightmare could be very disorienting. She stood up from the bed and grabbed her wand, just in case, then shook him awake.

Draco's eyes popped open and were filled with alarm and fear and she stood away from him so he could get his bearings. When she saw a look of recognition flash across his eyes she sat back on the bed while he pulled himself to a sitting position. He raised a hand to her cheek and laid his forehead against hers. "I'm sorry," his voice was low and husky.

She pulled back and looked into his eyes which were still touched with fear and whispered, "Does that happen a lot?"

Hermione could see Draco shut down right before her eyes. He leaned back and started his Occlumency and knew she'd lost him. "It's fine Granger. I didn't clear my mind before bed. I was distracted," he gave her a suggestive grin but there wasn't much feeling behind it.

Hermione crept closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder before asking, "Draco, do you do Occlumency every night?"

He sighed deeply, then said in a low growl, "Drop it Granger."

Hermione persisted, "It can be very dangerous –"

Draco stood then and went into the main room. She followed him and saw him pulling his shirt over his head. "Don't go," Hermione pleaded.

"I need to get back. I shouldn't have stayed." He walked over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, then rushed out the door. She let him go, determined to bring this up again when he was feeling less vulnerable.

Mercifully, Granger hadn't brought up the nightmare from a few nights ago. Oh well, so much for sleeping over at her place then slowly convincing her to have sex with him. Draco didn't really mind the lack of sex though. He guessed Granger was a virgin and that wasn't why he was with her anyway. But it would have been nice to sleep in her room at least, it was so much more comfortable than the dungeons. But this was probably for the best, Blaise would get too suspicious and start looking more seriously into Daphne's theory.

Draco dropped the letter from his mother that he'd been reading for the tenth time. He was in Granger's room now waiting for her to return from prefect office hours. He was usually at Quidditch on Wednesdays but found he had a lot more time on his hands now that the season was over. The problem was so did she-Wealey and she tried to drag Granger into the Gryffindor common room any chance she got. Occasionally Granger went and he'd just stay in her common room alone and study. He actually spent a good amount of time alone in her room.

He also spent a lot of time in the forest working on the map. He figured it would be good to be seen there occasionally since that's where he told Blaise he went during his free periods. And working on fixing the map helped keep his mind from wandering, and so did playing piano, but he was finding that method less effective than earlier in the year.

As much as he tried to avoid acknowledging it, his mind was getting harder to control and the headaches that accompanied his efforts to constantly clear it were getting worse. He'd had headaches on and off in the past, but this term they had been much worse. He thought at first it was a result of all of the drinking, but the headaches actually got worse when he stopped, meaning they were linked to his Occlumency use.

Draco avoided researching it in the library since he was worried about what he'd find. If he had to stop Occlumency he didn't know how he'd get through the day. So he tried his best to focus on his routines: assignments, piano, work on the map, Granger, sleep. He just needed to get through this year, then he could run off and distract himself with curse-breaking. Just then Granger walked into the room and sat next to him on the couch, "What's that?"

He looked down at the letter he'd forgotten he was holding as she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, then sat back and waited for his response. "It's from my mother, she wants me to go to the Anniversary of the Battle with her this weekend. I wasn't originally planning on going."

"Oh," she nodded knowingly. "You weren't, I mean, you were there, and you didn't fight against our side. And, well, your mother played a huge role. But I can see why you wouldn't want to go."

Draco shook his head, "I think it's too soon, people don't want to see a Death Eater there when they are trying to mourn the loss of their loved ones. Maybe my mother should go, she actually played a part in it all. But I don't need to be there."

"If your mother is there you should be too, your absence may be more noticed than your presence. People may see it as you blowing off the whole thing," Granger started rubbing his leg comfortingly.

"That's what she said," Draco sighed and bent to put the letter back into his bag. "I think either way people will find a reason to have a problem with me."

"Yeah, probably." Granger shrugged like it was no big deal. He wished he could be like her, witnessing all the animosity thrown his way from a distance instead of living right in the fucking middle of it. She continued, "But I know McGonagall and the other professors have been working on something special for months and it would be a shame if you missed that. And I'll be there."

Draco snorted, "Yeah, on the other side of the room, pretending you don't know me." She gave him a sad look, but didn't deny it.

The night before the Anniversary Hermione and Draco were alone in her room. Luna had just left and Hermione was actually glad to see her go tonight. She'd expected Draco would hate Luna, but it turned out he really enjoyed her company. He especially liked it when Luna would go off spouting crazy theories that annoyed Hermione to no end. He would take Luna's position every time and she could tell he enjoyed watching her get flustered as she tried to argue against Luna and Draco's completely illogical arguments.

Once Luna left Draco had pulled out a book to read and was buried in it on the opposite couch while Hermione was reviewing Ministry job applications.

"Do you still want to do curse-breaking?"

He looked up from his book and said, "You talk a lot." She shrugged, he'd said that before, and she knew it was true. But she liked talking to him. Was that a crime?

He continued, "Yeah, that's still my plan. I even started in on the application last week."

Hermione moved over to his couch and he put his book down and pulled her onto his lap so she was facing him. "It's a really dangerous career. And you'll be abroad all of the time, dealing with goblins."

Draco started playing with her hair and nodded back at her, "I believe you mentioned all of those things the last time we talked about this."

Hermione tilted her head and smiled, thinking how different it was between them now than that night in the hospital wing. She never thought she'd be straddling Draco Malfoy while they had a casual chat about their future professions.

"And I told you then that those are all pros for me, then you judged my decision if I remember correctly. And said, 'Good for you Malfoy.'"

She pushed his shoulder and tried to move back onto the couch, but he grabbed her hips and kept her in place. "What about you? Still looking at the Ministry?"

She motioned toward the applications on the table behind her, "Yeah, I really want to work in the Magical Law Enforcement office, but I'll need to work my way up before I can do anything good and the bottom position in that office is court writing, which is so dull."

Draco nodded, thinking, "You shouldn't start there then. Work your way up from another office with better entry-level positions, then you can move over laterally into Magical Law Enforcement. Then you don't ever have to do court reporting."

Hermione nodded, thinking quickly through the entry level positions she'd reviewed, "Good point, I hadn't thought of that. I was just thinking about where I'd end up, not where I'd prefer to start." She moved out of his grasp then and wrote a few notes on her notebook and when she looked back at Draco he was reading again, but Hermione wasn't finished with the conversation yet.

She crept back to the couch and sat next to him, leaning against his side. He put down the book and looked annoyed, then cocked his head and said, "Spit it out, Granger."

"Are you really going to be fine spending all of your time with goblins?"

Draco sighed, "That's part of the appeal, they don't care who was a Death Eater and who wasn't. Not as long as I bring back treasure."

Hermione looked down at her hands then and said softly, "But all that time away…I'll miss you."

Draco raised her chin so she was looking at him and she saw his eyes were sad. "That's assuming you still want to see me then – I will likely do something to fuck this up between now and the end of the year."

Hermione smiled back at him, "You keep saying that, but we're still here."

They sat silently for a while and Hermione was trying to work up the courage to bring up Occlumency. She knew his reaction would be bad no matter when she brought it up, so eventually she decided to just go for it, "Can I ask you a question?"

"When have I ever been able to stop you?" He was joking and she was sad that in the next minute the smile on his face would be replaced by anger.

She was right. As soon as she said, "It's about your Occlumency," his face turned cold.

"I told you to drop it," he pushed away from her so they were no longer touching.

"You told me you used it to keep your bad memories out, but you're using it too much. I can tell you're using it a lot more lately and I have some theories on that, but-"

"I don't want to hear your theories Granger. I have bad memories of events from the past, so I leave them there. There is no harm in that, so fucking drop it," his eyes were a dark grey now and she could tell he was withdrawing further into himself, but she was determined to press on.

"They're not just staying in the past, Draco. They're affecting your present. You need to face them and move on instead of trying to push them to the side of your mind all of the time."

"Fine. But I'll do it on my own time," he crossed his arms then added harshly, "away from you."

"Will you?" Hermione asked skeptically. Draco was silent and he looked past her and started studying the wall behind her. "You won't," she said softly and Draco glared back at her.

"What do you want me to do Granger?"

Hermione looked back at him and swallowed heavily before saying, "You could show me."

Draco was horrified and stood up quickly, "You want to see my memories?! What the hell is wrong with you? I didn't realize you were so voyeuristic," he spat the last part out nastily.

Hermione was getting angry and stood to face him, "I won't get pleasure out of seeing your worst memories, I'm trying to help you." He was about to argue but she kept on, "You sleep like shit, even you admit that, and it creeps into waking time too, I don't think you notice how much anymore. I read about it –"

"Of course you did," Draco said cruelly but she ignored him.

"The only way to keep them from taking over your mind is to face them. And sharing them with someone else is the quickest way. I know Harry had similar problems but he met with someone at St. Mungo's and–"

"I'm not Harry Potter!" Draco shouted back at her and she responded as calmly as she could manage.

"I know, that's why I'm not recommending you go to St. Mungo's, you can talk to me-"

"I don't need to talk to anyone," Draco cut in, "I have it completely handled, and with time it will get better."

Hermione sighed, "In most accounts it doesn't, especially the way you're handling it. It will just get worse. And if you use Occlumency too much Draco you can damage your mind permanently," Draco hitched his breath then and she was glad she was finally getting through to him. "Symptoms of Occlumency over-use disorder include insomnia, headaches, and irritability. Sound familiar? And the more you use it, the more you'll have to. Draco, I'm just trying to help you." When she stopped talking he was silent and Hermione held her breath, hoping she'd gotten through to him.

Draco stepped toward her and she thought he was going to embrace her, but instead he reached for his books on the table and started packing them into his bag. "I don't want your help with this," he said roughly, then, predictably, threw his bag over his shoulder and made for the door.

"I'll see you at the Anniversary tomorrow," Hermione called behind him.

He pulled the door toward him forcefully and spoke his next words into the hall instead of at her, "Yes Granger, and I'll be sure to keep my nod from the other side of the room discrete."

"Draco-" she moved to him but the door slammed before she reached it. She leaned her forehead against the closed door and whispered, "I care about you, and I know you're not comfortable with the feeling, but you need help."

The Great Hall was completely transformed for the Anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts. The sky which usually matched the outside was set instead to the clearest, starriest night Draco had ever seen. The windows were darkened to keep light from streaming in and it made Draco feel like he was literally walking through the stars.

There were floating, glimmering glass diamonds dispersed around the hall and when Draco approached one and he saw it was streaming through a series of memories that all included a Gryffindor girl he remembered from Granger's year. Lavender Brown. The name came to him as he watched scenes of her play out on the surface of the glass. He leaned forward closer and saw her name etched along the bottom of the diamond. He stepped back, awed and slightly horrified. Then he looked around and saw how many diamonds there were, shining like extra bright, colorful stars. He guessed each of them was playing a memory stream of a different dead person and noted that there were far too many.

He remembered Granger mentioning a few days ago that McGonagall had asked her for memories of Lupin and Tonks and some of her classmates and she was puzzling through how that would fit in to this event. She'd love this, the effect was beautiful, even he had to admit. He moved his thoughts away from Granger, but it was getting harder than ever to control his mind, his head pounded back at him in protest.

A few hours later, Draco found himself sitting alone in a comfortable armchair. The long house tables and benches had been replaced with clusters of chairs. Most of the clusters were positioned near one or two memory stars, but Draco had found the one sitting area that was out of the way of any dead people memory streams. He saw his mother across the hall talking to the Greengrass sisters and sighed, wondering if he should join her. No, Astoria was there, so that conversation was probably safe.

Most of the attendees had ignored him and his mother all day, then not long ago his mother's sister had approached holding a blue-haired baby and Draco thought it would be best to give them some time, so now he was alone at the back of the hall. He didn't mind being alone. He'd been getting nasty looks all day but preferred the silence to the outright attacks he'd been expecting. He was using the time now to combat the memories from the war that kept threatening to creep their way into his consciousness. The memories were putting up a good fight and his head was throbbing painfully.

Just then, Potter took the seat to his immediate right. Grateful for the distraction from his thoughts, Draco looked over at the star of the hour (pun intended) and raised his eyebrow, but Potter ignored him. Draco took a moment to examine him. He looked terrible. Sad and dead tired (like the kind of exhaustion that results from not sleeping for days). Potter had given a speech earlier, and it wasn't bad. He'd gone on and on about how he was given credit for their victory but how he never could have managed it on his own. Potter saw Draco looking at him then and opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. "Were you going to say something Potter?" Draco asked in a low voice.

"No, that's why I sat here," Potter responded wearily. Draco shrugged. Good tactic, sitting with Draco was probably the best way to ensure no one else would sit next to him. And he definitely looked like he could use a break. Draco had been watching him all day (mainly because that's where Granger had been, not because he was interested in Potter), and it was clear everyone wanted a piece of him. They probably expected him to say something about every lost loved one. Usually an older wizard like Dumbledore would manage that task, but today it fell to this wizard who was even younger than Draco. For once Draco did not envy Harry Potter.

Draco wondered then where his sidekicks were. He looked around the hall and saw his mother was talking to Daphne Greengrass alone now, well that couldn't be good. Then he saw Granger and Weasley heading toward him and Potter. Draco took a deep breath. Granger gave Draco a weird half apologetic half cheery smile and took the seat next to him while Weasley took the last chair at Potter's other side across from Draco. Granger looked tired too, but not nearly as bad as Potter. Draco wondered how he'd ended up surrounded by the golden trio and tried to think of a way to escape.

Then he stood up, he didn't need a reason to leave. He'd gone less than two paces when a small boy grabbed him by the front of his robes and pointed at one of the memory stars nearby. "Why do you get to be here when he's gone?"

Draco gave him a sharp look, but knew better than to respond. The boy seemed familiar, he thought he was a younger Gryffindor, and he'd obviously been crying over whoever was in that series of memories. Draco tried to shrug him off and move past, but as soon as he'd turned around the kid lunged at him and knocked Draco to the ground, yelling "What gives you the right?! Why are you here when they aren't! Answer me!"

"Answer me!" the Dark Lord was angrier than Draco had ever seen him. "Answer me Bellatrix! Lucius! How did the boy escape? Again?!" He threw a Cruciatus curse at both his father and aunt and Draco noticed he seemed to have gotten a new wand. The curse looked very powerful judging by his father's reaction.

Draco winced and looked away, thinking how it was only a matter of time before the Dark Lord looked to his left and unleashed his wrath on him and his mother. He felt his mother's hand grip his wrist comfortingly then, but he knew the gesture was hollow, there was nothing she could do to help.

"Dennis," Weasley was pulling the boy off of Draco then and Draco rushed to clear his mind, then nearly collapsed back down when a splitting headache tore through his brain. He barely kept from calling out, the pain was so bad. Shit, now is not the time for this.

Draco forced his eyes open and pulled himself to standing, the yelling boy was standing across from him and Weasley was holding his arms. Granger was giving him a very concerned look but stayed just behind Weasley, and Potter was on Weasley's other side.

"It's a fair question," someone called from behind Draco, "Why are you here Malfoy?"

Draco turned to find an older wizard who looked like Goldstein approaching with the Ravenclots just behind him. Draco sighed, eager to get away and clear his pounding headache. Maybe he could nick some potion from the hospital wing. "I'm sure nothing I can say is going to be adequate for you," was all Draco said, and he was right, because next he was punched across the jaw and slammed back into the wall, hitting his head hard against the stone. The pain of the impact caused him to drop to the ground and pull his head into his hands.

He felt a gentle hand on his arm then and knew it must be Granger. "Draco – are you okay?" she muttered in a barely audible whisper. What the fuck was happening to him? And did it have to happen right now? He laid a hand on her arm, focused on the comfort and not thinking of the crowd that would be watching the two of them and how the gesture would be perceived. He felt her pull away and heard Potter mutter roughly, "He's fine Hermione, come on." But Potter hadn't been quick enough, because when Draco opened his eyes he saw that at least a few of the flashes of light were coming from a camera and not from his pounding head.

Then a fourth or fifth year girl said, "Harry, she's supposed to be on our side but she's been befriending that piece of shit Death Eater all year. It's disgusting."

Draco stood to respond but Weasley got to the girl first, "You leave Hermione alone, she is on our side and she's not friends with Malfoy, don't be ridiculous."

"Well that was a touching display of concern for a non-friend – wouldn't you say?" Draco didn't see who had chimed in now, but the voice was familiar, "We all saw it, and Derek here even managed to get a photo."

"This is not what today is about." Potter stood in the center of the small crowd, "Malfoy has been acquitted of all charges and one of the reasons was because he didn't fight in the final battle. And if it wasn't for his family we wouldn't have won, so lay off. This is about remembering the loved ones we lost," he motioned toward the nearest memory star, then added, "not more fighting."

The crowd slowly dispersed, then Draco saw the reporter who had spoken earlier whispering to her photographer and recognized her instantly. Rita Skeeter. Great, this would be a fun article in the Prophet tomorrow. He sighed and walked to the Entrance Hall and saw his mother watching from the other side of the room, looking at him very strangely.

He stumbled into the hall and braced himself against the wall, dipping his head. He'd worry about Granger and that inevitable article later. She had her friends, he was the one who was falling apart. He felt a soft hand on the small of his back and was hopeful for a second that Granger had come back for him, then recognized his mother's perfume. He wondered if she'd witnessed the entire scene with Granger, probably, his luck was that bad.

"What's happening? What do you need?" she muttered worriedly under her breath.

"I just have a bad headache, it will pass," he was breathing deeply but had stopped trying to use Occlumency since it obviously wasn't working and was probably the cause of all of this. The memory of being tortured following Potter's escape was running through his mind again and he let it play out this time, it wasn't one of his worst ones anyway.

When he finally came to, he was sitting on a bench his mother must have conjured and she was holding a glass of water out to him and rubbing his shoulder. He noticed she'd pulled them into a corridor off the main foyer so they were out of sight and alone. Good.

He took the water and began sipping on it and she asked, "Has this been happening a lot?"

He shook his head and felt guilty lying to his mother, "It's just stress. I told you it was a bad idea to come today."

She furrowed her eyebrows at that, but remained silent. She watched him for a time and when she was satisfied that he was going to stay here in the present and not retreat into his head again, she said, "Daphne Greengrass shared some interesting stories with me, and based on what I just saw in there I think there may be some truth to them. Is there anything you want to tell me Draco?"

"Just ask me what you want to mother," Draco was not in the mood for these riddles right now, he was trying to keep his mind focused on the present.

"Please tell me it's not true that you're dating a Mudblood."

Draco winced at her use of that slur, especially today, "You're still using that term? After all-"

"Answer me Draco," his mother responded in a firm tone.

Draco knew he should lie, but what was the point anymore? And he really wanted this conversation to be over so he could tend to his headache. He took another sip of the water, sighed, and said, "I am."

Her eyes widened so much it would have been comical had the situation been different. "Are you insane? Is this some rebellious act against me and your father? You'd throw all of it away? You'd taint our bloodline-"

"Mother, we're dating, not proposing marriage," Draco cut in, annoyed now.

"You're almost 19 and about to graduate, so don't tell me-"

"I'm not doing this now," Draco stood then but his head began spinning so he braced himself against the wall. "We can discuss this later. I'll escort you home but we are not going to talk about this now and not here."

His mother stood and glared at him, but held her arm out for him to take into his own. He walked her to the gates, then gave her a polite kiss on the cheek before she Disapparated.

When Draco got back to the castle entrance he stopped outside the large door and pulled out a cigarette from a box Blaise had handed to him that morning. They were some Muggle medicine that were meant to treat stress. Blaise said all Draco had to do was light them, then inhale and exhale. Draco figured now was as good a time as ever to give them a try. Maybe they worked on headaches.

A while later Draco was leaning against the stone wall of the castle enjoying the cool breeze against his skin. The wind mixed with the feeling of comfort from the cigarettes was helping. They tasted disgusting, but the lightness radiating through his brain with each inhale and exhale was wonderful. Draco was still weighing whether the awful taste was worth the benefit as he puffed on his second cigarette when he saw Granger leave the castle and run toward the lake. He wondered if she was looking for him and briefly considered going after her when the Weasel emerged. Draco pressed his back against the wall and turned away. He'd talk to Granger later, seeking her out now would be a terrible idea.

He watched Weasley follow her to the lake and growled to himself. Draco didn't like the idea of the two of them talking alone – but what could he do about it? He took another drag of the cigarette. Then he saw Lovegood making an indirect way toward the same area from across the grounds. Good, at least Granger and the Weasel wouldn't be alone then.

Draco turned, not wanting to think about Granger right now. His thoughts drifted back to his mother and her harsh, but predictable, reaction to his relationship with a muggle-born. She hadn't been as bad as he'd expected, he reasoned, but maybe that was because she was in shock, and they were in public. The next time they talked would probably be terrible. He wondered if she'd officially disown him or give him a chance to defend himself. But what could he say? How could he describe how Granger made him feel? Alive, wanted, real. There it was again, reality, he exhaled the smoke in his mouth slowly then and jumped when he saw that he was not alone.

"What are you doing?" Astoria was behind him looking warily at the cigarette in his hand.

"Oh," Draco took another drag, then explained, "these are Muggle things Blaise gave me. You smoke them and they feel rather nice."

"They smell disgusting," she was scrunching her face and Draco noticed the smoke was blowing straight at her.

"Oh, sorry," he moved her so she was on his other side and pulled his wand out to blow a quick stream of clean air at her.

Astoria nodded her thanks, then leaned back against the wall and watched him smoke. When he was finished he threw the cigarette to the ground and vanished it, then turned back to her. "I heard you talking to your mother in the hall," Astoria admitted, looking down at her feet.

Draco's breath hitched, then he leaned his head against the cold stone of the wall, "Oh."

"I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to eavesdrop. I saw what happened in the hall and I wanted to make sure you were-"

Draco waved her off, "It's fine, I'm sure it will be in the Prophet tomorrow anyway," he added bitterly.

Astoria looked relieved, then said with a small smirk, "You weren't kidding when you said you were re-thinking muggle-born ideals were you?"

Draco shrugged, "Guess not."

Astoria laughed then, "You really hate talking about heavy things, don't you?"

"Yes," Draco admitted, though he hoped she wouldn't leave, he was liking the company.

She sighed then, but continued on, "I know you don't like talking about the war and how we grew up. I just – well I don't have anyone else to talk to about it, so I'm going to keep pestering you. I feel like I recently woke from a dream and am confronting reality. Everything from before was a lie, but it felt so real when we were in it. You know?"

Draco did know, though he'd never put it together so eloquently in his own mind. "It seems like reality is always changing," he muttered, looked over at the lake where he knew Granger was.

Astoria considered his words for a long while and he thought she wouldn't say anything further, but then she spoke again, "I think reality is unique to each person. So you just pick the one you want to be a part of and choose to live there."

Draco let out a deep breath. He wanted to live in a reality where Granger was wonderful, not a disgusting being meant to be ridiculed, and he was already there, but he wondered if his mother could ever get there too. But Astoria was right, everyone would live in their own reality, and just like he couldn't change his mother, he wouldn't be able to change Granger's friends and their propensity to hate him. And it wasn't completely unfounded, he'd done terrible things. He turned to Astoria then, who was also looking out at the lake and said, "I'm going to go back to my dormitory, I can walk you if you're headed that way."

She nodded and stood up from the wall, then said awkwardly, "I- uh – just wanted to apologize. For Daphne, ratting you out to your mother, I mean."

Draco shook his head, "You don't have to be sorry, she did it, not you."

"I think in some twisted way she was doing it for me. Uh – she knows I like you, and I think she thought – well, you know."

Draco was caught off guard by her bluntness. It would be so much easier if he'd just dated Astoria. He'd considered it for a moment, she was beautiful and quite witty and funny. But he remembered thinking it wouldn't be fair to her since he was such a fucking mess right now. But then he'd gone and dated Granger. Why hadn't he given Granger the same courtesy? Because Granger was a muggle-born? He really didn't think so, but did some part of him subconsciously consider her less deserving than Astoria? Damn he was a fucking prick. But he was in too deep now to leave Granger, he'd become dependent on her. And all he wanted right now was to hold her in his arms.

Draco shrugged then said in a forced teasing tone, "I thought you were marrying Jones."

"Shut up," she looked away from him then and added, "You two are really brave."

Draco humphed in response and started walking back to the castle. He was holding the door open for Astoria when she added, "Especially her."

Draco paused in the doorway and cocked his head at Astoria, "What do you mean?"

"Well no offence, but you deal with people hating you all of the time. She's – well, adored. If your relationship becomes public, that definitely won't be the case anymore. But I'm sure she knows that, it's just brave. Is all. But she is a Gryffindor."

Draco followed Astoria down the stairs, considering her words. He remembered the girl who had just yelled at Granger for comforting him in the Great Hall and recalled she-Weasley's words in the dungeon.

If you truly cared for her, you'd let her go.

He wondered if after whatever terrible article was bound to come out tomorrow Granger would start receiving howlers like he had earlier in the year. At least he'd deserved his. Granger had done nothing wrong, just cared for a useless, broken wizard. Yep, he was definitely a selfish prick.

He was feeling just as lost as he had at the beginning of term and thought again of finding Granger, she really was the only one who made him feel secure when he felt like he might float away. He fingered the box of cigarettes in his pocket, this was the only comfort he had right now, and all he really deserved. He'd go smoke another one after he dropped Astoria off in their common room.

A/N: So the first scene where Hermione is talking about how much she loves her book was inspired by my recent re-read of The Night Circus. I love that book so much and I was aching for the characters and was legitimately sad when the book was over. I wrote this scene as soon as I put that book down because like Hermione said, it literally broke my heart and I thought that was something that Hermione has probably experienced too. Check it out if you haven't read it before, it's really good. And if you can get the audio book version it's read by Jim Dale, just like HP!