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Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 16 by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik -
Ranma awoke, feeling cheerful and happy. Since he took on the Estate of Manhood by claiming his bride and his home, he'd found that he didn't sleep in as much. In the past, he'd looked upon sleep as a blessed escape from the pain of life, but now his life was his, and he intended to enjoy it.
Speaking of enjoying life ...
He rolled over and kissed his wife on the cheek. "Good morning, my love," he said, his hand gliding over her hip. "And how is my Goddess of Love today?"
"Bloated. Cramping. And I look awful."
"Nonsense - you never looked lovelier." Then her words sank in ...
Bloated.
Cramping.
Oh crap.
"Damn! I thought I marked it on the calendar!"
"What was that, Ranma?"
"Uh - why don't you just stay in bed, Akane-sama, and I'll fetch you up some breakfast?"
Quickly jumping out of bed, he dashed downstairs. "Midol-
laced orange juice, that'll be first -"
And as he looked in the kitchen, he saw Kasumi pouring some of the precious, life-saving Midol into her hand, keeping some for herself and giving some to Ranko. Both were chomping on chocolate bars ... at nine in the morning.
"Eep!" he commented. As he turned to dash away, he almost ran into Nibiki, who was wearing her pajamas and a nasty frown.
"Who used up all the tampons?" she snapped.
A second later, the front door was shattered by a screaming Ranma dashing into the street.
Lina flew over the district, noting in passing a large statue made of tropical artifacts being pulled down with ropes by an angry mob and some lunatic in a red shirt screaming and running across the rooftops.
"Weird place," she muttered. "Figures that she'd hang out here. Not a genteel, refined person like myself."
Lina made a graceful two-point landing on a street corner and considered her options.
"I know the magic force came from around here. But without another burst, how do I narrow it down?"
She snapped her fingers. "I know - I'll ask someone!"
She looked around and saw a merchant sweeping up near her shop. "Excuse me! Has anything abnormal or unnatural happened around here recently?"
The shopkeeper (whose shop was halfway between the Saotome Dojo and the Nekohanten) fell on the ground and rolled around, laughing hysterically.
Lina got slightly steamed and exploded the shop a bit, which made the shopkeeper stop laughing.
"You want The Dojo," she said nervously. (In Nerima, all dojos are mentioned by name except one, which is THE Dojo. Guess which one. C'mon. Guess.)
Lina looked puzzled. "What's a 'dojo'?"
The shopkeeper was confused. "You know - a dojo. Where they teach the Art?"
Lina suddenly comprehended. "Oh - a magic academy! That makes sense. Which way?"
The shopkeeper was about to explain her misapprehension, but decided against it - just get rid of the weirdo, and let the Saotomes and Tendos handle it. "That way - big compound. Can't miss it unless you carry an umbrella."
Lina was about to ask about that, but decided that it was some weird local phrase and didn't bother.
"Thanks," Lina said, tossed a silver coin at the shopkeeper, and shouted "RAYWING!"
Nothing happened.
Lina flapped her arms. "RAYWING!" she repeated.
More nothing happened.
Lina stewed for a moment, then pulled out a small notebook from her back pocket. "Calendar ... Lessee, two days ... then five more before that ... OH CRAP!"
"Anything the matter?" the shopkeeper asked.
"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!" Lina yelled, then she stomped off, mumbling to herself. "Can't come on gradually, no! It has to hit suddenly, all at once. At least I packed the stuff I'll need ..."
The shopkeeper sighed in relief as the crazy girl departed, then took a good look at the remnants of her shop and screamed.
Ranma raced into the Nekohanten, a look of desperation on his face.
Ryoga looked bug-eyed as Ranma fell on his knees and begged, "Ryoga! Pal! Brother! HIDE ME!"
Sasuke peaked out from behind Ranma. "Me, too."
Ranma almost jumped out of his skin. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THERE?"
"I *am* a ninja," Sasuke said.
"What's the matter, Ranma?" Ryoga asked, worry in his voice.
"It's TIME! All of them! ALL AT ONCE!" he howled in despair.
Ryoga looked confused.
Shampoo came out of the kitchen at the sound of the howl. "What silliness men-folk up to?"
"All of them! All at once! Chocolate! Mood swings! THE HORROR!
AAAAGGGGHHHH!"
Shampoo nodded in understanding. "[It's quite natural, Ranma,]" she explained in Mandarin. "[When a group of women have lived together a long time, their cycles begin to synchronize. Since Ranko *has* been living with the Tendos a full year - in a way - it's natural that her cycle would start to match up with the Tendo girls.]" She chuckled. "[You should see the Amazon Villages around the full moon; Men cowering in the underbrush, trembling in terror. Except for the traveling salesmen selling chocolate and Midol.]"
"Cycle?" Ryoga asked.
Shampoo patted his cheek. "[I'll explain later, sweetheart.]"
"But why do *you* need to hide?" Ryoga asked Sasuke.
"I grew up with four older sisters and I was married for twenty years," the ninja explained. "*And* I worked for Kodachi Kuno! I know *exactly* what's going on, and I'd rather run away! Better a live mouse than a dead lion!"
Ranma moaned. "And I've lived in that house and shared a body with Ranko for a year - I know what's going on even better! Right now I'll bet they're all sitting around the dining room table, gobbling chocolate, complaining about cramps and water retention, and blaming any male who crosses their path for existing! I NEED TO HIDE!"
Akane, Ranko, Nabiki, and Kasumi sat around the dining room table, looking annoyed. This was normally supposed to be breakfast, but the moods of the four women demanded something else - a Bitch Session.
"Why the hells is this still happening?" Ranko snarled, stabbing at her chocolate-flavored breakfast cereal. "It's the second day! This must be the longest Time in history!"
"It is your real First One," Kasumi said. "But it's usually three or four days. At least you don't have these annoying cramps."
The other two sisters grunted their agreement.
"I've gained almost half a kilo from water retention alone!" Akane complained, twisting a spoon into a pretzel. "Ranma thinks I'm bloated and hideous!"
"Did he say that?" Ranko asked.
"No, he said that I looked lovely - but he can't fool me!"
The other three nodded, grunting their agreement.
"Damn bastard," Nabiki snarled in a low voice, ignoring the others. "Takes six times to get it right, and doesn't even bother to call afterwards ... probably out stealing some girl's underwear ... "
They desperately needed a victim to happen to.
Fate did not disappoint.
The four women watched with disgust as a familiar figure in a red Chinese shirt and a braided pigtail entered the dining room.
"Akane - I've decided to leave you and get a divorce," he said, holding himself tall. "I'm going to devote my life to getting drunk and sleeping with tramps. Don't worry - I'll let you keep all of the money."
Akane shook her head. "Father, that is a pathetic disguise."
Nabiki hid her face in her hands. "Now I wish Ichiro had been my father."
"Truly sad," Ranko commented.
Kasumi nodded in agreement. "You could have at least shaved off your moustache."
Soun (in the Ranma suit) looked outraged. "I'd *never* shave off my moustache! And this is an *excellent* disguise!" He looked surprised for a second, then said, "I mean - I'm Ranma."
A few moments later, the silence of the neighborhood was broken by a high-pitched scream.
Lina stomped along the street, complaining under her breath.
"Bad enough my magic cuts out, but do my feet have to swell, too? Where is that damn magic academy, anyway?"
Then she heard it - a lyrical voice singing a cheery song.
Not just any cheery song, but a cheerful grape-stomping song from her homeland, sung in her native language. A song she hated with a passion, ever since she was a little girl and slipped and fell in the vat and the other girls kept stomping, dyeing her hair and skin deep purple for almost a month.
From out of a square building came a figure with blonde hair in a daisy-print skirt.
"The color-spell can't fool me - it's HER!"
Lina remembered that Xellos had said that this counterpart to herself was becoming unstable, that she might be dangerous. And her own magic was temporarily unavailable. So Lina decided to use subtlety.
Taking a huge mallet out, she ran up to the blonde, yelled a mighty yell, and walloped her in the head.
The mob of reporters besieging the Tendo Dojo the past few days had shrunk somewhat (partially due to new scandals in the Diet, and partially to utter fear of what might happen to anyone else who tried to sneak in).
Hitori Dezaki of the 'Tokyo Intruder' (the expert on the Nerima Desk) just relaxed and watched the younger crowd work. He'd learned the hard way about getting too damn close to that house, so he didn't try. After all, he knew he just had to wait, and something tabloid-worthy would come along any moment. (not to mention he had a good relationship with the Saotome press flack, Nabiki Tendo - not as good as he'd like, though.)
Sure enough, in a few minutes a badly-injured man in a garbage bag was thrown over the wall. The photographers and reporters ran up to get a picture, probably a quote (one even had the silly idea of calling the police or an ambulance, but he was new to the job), but they were beaten to the punch as a giant panda ran up, grabbed him, and dashed away.
In their eagerness, some of the reporters gave chase, but they accidentally ran into a small-breasted red-haired girl in a outfit with huge shoulder-pads who was dragging a trussed-up blonde girl behind her. The collision knocked the redhead down and gave the blonde a chance to escape. This caused the redhead to pull out a European-style short-sword and try to hack the reporters up, all the while cussing in some unknown language.
Hitori shook his head in despair. He knew better than to try damn-fool things like chase people in Nerima (he tried that covering his very first story - the Kodachi Kuno Sport Sabotage Scandal - which resulted in his being tossed off the roof of a four-story house; after that, he just observed from a discreet distance).
Since the crowd had thinned, so he pulled out his bouquet of daisies, marched up to the house, and rang the bell.
The young woman who tended the house - Kasumi, he recalled - answered the door.
"May I help you?" she asked, an edge to her voice.
"Is Nabiki Tendo available?" he asked.
"Just a moment," she said.
As the door shut, Kasumi yelled out "NABIKI! YOUR PET REPORTER IS HERE!"
"OH HELL!" Nabiki's voice rang out. "WHAT'S THE JERK WANT NOW?!"
"HE HAS FLOWERS!" Kasumi replied. "I THINK HE'S GOING TO PUT THE MOVES ON YOU!"
"NICE FLOWERS?"
"DAISIES! I THINK HE SWIPED THEM FROM THE CEMETERY!"
Hitori, being a tabloid reporter, was accused of that and worse every day, so he just grit his teeth and bore it. But he did feel that his chances with the fair Nabiki might not be as good as he had hoped at this time.
Nabiki pulled the door open. "Couldn't swipe roses from one of the nicer graves?" she snapped.
"No," he replied. "They were all mixed in with lilies. Besides, I'm just asking you on a date, not trying to marry you."
"And why not?" she asked. "Just because I'm all bloated you think I'm not good enough to marry?!"
"Please! We only just met!"
Akane barged out poking him in the chest with her finger, shoving him backwards. "What kind of girl do you think my sister is anyway, you - you MALE!"
Ranko did an end-run and got behind him, shoving at his back. "Just like a guy! Romance a girl, get your naked romp, then dump her without even calling when you run off to China!"
"China?" Hitori asked. "What's China have to do with anything?"
"Don't change the subject!" Nabiki shouted. "You just confessed that you were just trying to get into my pants!"
"WHAT!? I DIDN'T!"
"Oh? Isn't my sister good enough for you?" Kasumi accused. "You show up here with flowers and sweet lines, leading her on, then decide that you'd rather have someone else?" She turned her back on him. "Just like a high-school Home Ec teacher!"
"Who mentioned someone else?" Hitori wailed in despair. "I just wanted a date!"
"You jerk!" Akane yelled. "How dare you take advantage of poor Nabiki like that?"
"Pervert!" Ranko added, whapping him on the head.
"HELP!" he cried.
Meanwhile, at the Northern Shadow Port in China, not far from the borders with Korea and Russia ...
Ono Tofu sighed in exasperation. "I know you arrange trips - I have to get to the Amazon Village as quickly as possible!"
"No speak Japanese!" the harbor master said in a sing-song tone.
"We're speaking Mandarin!" he snapped.
"How's a guy supposed to tell with your thick-as-grease accent?" the harbor master commented. "Anyway, this is a respectable, law-abiding port, no smuggling here, so get back in your boat and go home!"
Tofu waved his hand in the air. "You want to help me."
The harbor master grinned and held up a charm hanging around his neck. "Nice try, Obi-Wan. You ain't the first goob to try that in the past three thousand years."
"Look, I'm desperate." he said, hauling out a big pile of yen. "I'll pay double your normal rates!"
"Ha! You been following the currency exchanges lately? I wouldn't use that stuff as spare tissues!"
Tofu brought out a stack of gold coins.
"Like hell! This is an honest shop! Besides, those things all have serial numbers on them!"
Sighing, Tofu was about to give up. Then a notion struck him.
With a grin, he reached into his jacket and brought out a videotape labeled 'Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace'.
The harbor master's eyes got wide. "I thought that wasn't out yet!"
"Bootleg. From some friends in California."
He looked around, grabbed the tape, and put it in his coat. "Okay, one first-class round-trip to Joketsuzouko - will you want meals served?"
Jiro Hibiki was headed for the abode of the lovely Kasumi Tendo for congenial companionship (and perhaps some light snuggling), but the sight of the man hanging from the front gate (hogtied, in a pink taffeta dress and blonde wig, with a placard reading 'Male Scum!' around his neck) made him turn around and decide to go elsewhere.
Perhaps a Chinese lunch, he thought. After all, with his half-brother about to marry the owner, he might be able to swing a discount.
He arrived to find Ranma-chan doing the 'cute waitress' bit, with Sasuke sweeping floors.
"If you're looking for family discounts, Jiro," Ranma-chan said while delivering five orders simultaneously, "Forget it! Shampoo runs a tight ship when she's engaged to someone else!"
"We wouldn't have to do even this," Sasuke grumbled, "If a certain gender-changing baka hadn't helped himself to the stir-fry without even asking!"
"I hadn't had breakfast, okay?"
Jiro shook his head. "Pathetic." Then he got a grin on his face. "Well, Oh Kawaii Waitress," he said, plopping down at a table. "You can bring me a menu, and a fresh pot of Orange Mandarin tea. And be quick about it - chop-chop!"
Ranma-chan aimed a blow for his head, but Shampoo rushed out of the kitchen and got between them.
"Waitress is POLITE!" she scolded. "Waitress take order with SMILE! And Waitress never forget that Waitress still owe two hours service to pay for gluttony!" She smirked. "Unless Waitress want to pay for ten orders of Cantonese stir-fry Waitress gobbled up like vacuum?"
Ranma-chan growled. "I told you - I left my wallet at home! You know I'm good for it!"
"Produce cash or get back to work!"
"I can't go home right now!"
She pouted. "Poor Ranma - afraid of woman's cycle."
"Damn straight!"
Jiro laughed harder. "Is that why you're running around in that little ruffly pink skirt? You're afraid of falling victim to the Tomboy's mastery of Martial Arts PMS?"
"It's all four of them!" Ranma-chan snapped.
Shampoo swatted her head. "POLITE!"
Ranma-chan smiled and continued in a sweet voice. "Whenever this would happen in the past, Genma and I would go on missions or training trips, usually with Soun. This time, it caught me by surprise."
Jiro shook his head. "Little Brother, you are whipped."
Ranma-chan just snarled.
Shampoo hit Ranma-chan's head with a wooden bowl from across the room. "You taking orders or just flirting?"
Ranma-chan rubbed her head as she handed him a menu. "She's getting more like the Old Ghoul every day. Don't know how Ryoga stands it." Looking over her shoulder, she called out something in Chinese, then spun and caught the teapot and cups on the lacquered tray and put them on Jiro's table.
"It's obvious," Jiro said, looking through the menu. "You and him have the same problem. Living with all these females is sapping your Vital Manly Essence. You've got to go out and reassert your manhood." He frowned. "Lot of pork dishes. But reasonably priced."
"New shipment," she said, pouring a cup of tea. "We're trying to clear it out. And I don't see you rushing to Kasumi's side to 'assert your manhood'."
"Hmmm..." Jiro said with exaggerated care. "Do I want this? Or this? Or this? So many decisions - my head is swimming!"
"Oh, just order already, you reject from a kaijuu film!"
"MANAGER!" he yelled. "This waitress is being rude to me!"
Ranma-chan ducked the first bowl, but the second hit her. "BE NICE OR SHAMPOO CALL RANMA'S WIFE!"
This got Ranma-chan a few stares, but Ranma-chan recovered with a big smile. "May I recommend the shredded pork?"
Jiro sighed. "I can't stand to see my baby brother reduced to this."
"Heck, she's got Ryoga scrubbing the garbage cans. Aside from a few bottom-pinchers, this is a lot better."
Jiro looked up at his female brother with a large degree of pity. Then a plan formed.
"Keep tonight's calendar open," he said. "You and Pig-Boy."
Ranma-chan looked suspicious. "Why?"
"Because, after you bring me my Wushu Pork, I am going to plan for the two of you the Ultimate Male Experience, guaranteed to restore your Vital Manly Essences and enhance your manhood."
"The last time a guy offered me something like that, I was twelve and he got arrested."
He hopped up on the table and struck a heroic pose, microphone and all. "Have no fear, my girly baby brother, for I, Jiro Hibiki, am going to - ick! - do something nice, and throw my brothers A BACHELOR PARTY!"
Outside, Ryoga got chills up and down his spine for no reason.
In the sewers beneath Nerima, a cute girl in a naughty pink outfit (Akari Unryuu, in case you couldn't figure it out) looked with maniacal glee upon the Doomsday Device.
"Soon, my precious Ryoga-sama, you will be mine once more! I shall save you from the evil gaijin whore and restore you to my sweet embrace!" She giggled cutely. "After, of course, I teach you a lesson about why naughty piggies shouldn't stray outside of the pen!"
The ninja pig servants cringed before her mad cackling.