What We Can't Have

*Disclaimer: The following contains some swearing. It is censored with ** and such but this is just a warning.

They stared at each other for the longest time. Neither one of them moved a muscle or even batted an eyelash. The pair's breath was uneven and they both looked shaken, but the two never broke eye contact with each other. The tension in the air was so thick, one could have cut it with a knife. The energy, the pull, the power between the two was so overwhelming that it felt like waves of power were literally rolling off of them.

Rey turned off Luke's saber, the blue blade hissing as it disappeared from sight. It had been repaired and she was wearing a white tunic. She stared at the robed figure in front of her, not sure how to respond.

Kylo stared at Rey curiously, the Bond must have connected them while she was training. He noted that his uncle's lightsaber had been repaired. He looked at her and before he could stop himself, he found himself staring at her face. His gaze was entranced by the way stray pieces of Rey's dark hair curled in front of her ears and around her forehead. He noticed that she was wearing a different outfit since he had last seen her, more similar to the one she had worn when he had first met her. He felt his cheeks grow warm as he remembered that last time she had been wearing nothing but sleep shorts and a light sleep tunic that only accentuated her figure more acutely. His memory of that night was hazy at best, so he wasn't sure what he had said or done. Kylo tilted his head slightly as he noticed the way the sun lit up Rey's face in a strange pattern.

"Where are you?" The question was out of his mouth before he could stop himself. He winced as Rey's gaze hardened and he felt her mental shields go up instantly.

"I thought we weren't using this to attack each other, Ben," she said. Her voice was low and angry as she glared at him. Rey felt herself grow angrier as the thought of him using their Bond for the purpose of the war. Her mental shields were up and she could feel his go up too, but not before she glimpsed the flash of regret that he felt. At least he had the decency to look remorseful. He was distracted by something, but she couldn't tell what.

"Sorry, I didn't mean-" his voice trailed off. Kylo shut his eyes and methodically clenched and unclenched his fist. He sighed before opening his eyes but he kept his gaze on the ground refusing to look at her. "I was just…" He looked lost and Rey softened slightly.

"Distracted?" she finished for him. Kylo's eyes instantly met Rey's. He panicked slightly, worried that she had seen his thoughts when he had looked at her. But the way her brow was furrowed and he could tell that she was concerned, not angry.

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it," he mumbled, raking his gloved hand through his hair. Rey looked at him curiously, wondering what he meant by that.

"What is it?" she asked gently. Kylo still didn't look at her, so this time she sent the question with her mind. Ben, what is it? He looked at her sharply in surprise before he tried to close his mind away from her. She stopped him and pushed harder against his mental barriers, not to break in, just to make her presence known. No, you don't get to do that. Not with me. His eyes met hers and she almost flinched, taken aback by the turmoil she saw in them. He looked broken, lost, confused. She stepped towards him, her arms hung loosely at her sides. Ben… He closed his eyes when she sent his given name down the Bond. His broad chest rose and fell as he sighed before relenting.

"There have been rumors," he said softly. "Whispers of a message sent by…" he trailed off before looking her straight in the eyes. "A message sent by Palpatine, the Emperor of the Galactic Empire." Rey blinked in shock, trying to register what he had said.

"The Emperor," she said confused. "But that's impossible. He's dead." But her voice was uncertain and the muscle under Kylo's left eye twitched like it did whenever he was anxious.

"I thought so, too," he said, his gloved hands clenched into fists. His gaze had moved away from her, and he was biting his lower lip, seemingly without realizing it. Rey took note of this and her eyes lingered there for a moment before she caught herself staring. She lifted her own eyes to his, even though he wasn't looking at her.

"He's dead though, isn't he?" she asked quietly. She hesitated, debating whether or not she should continue. She decided to risk it. "Your grandfather," she said so softly that she wondered if he had even heard her. "Anakin Skywalker killed him." His head instantly whipped towards her at the mention of his grandfather's name. His eyes narrowed and he took a few steps towards her, his gaze angry. Rey barreled on before he could speak. "He turned to the light, he was redeemed!" Kylo was now only a pace away from her. He shook his head vehemently and shut his eyes and started to open his mouth to offer a rebuttal. Then Rey surprised both of them by grabbing his face in her hands and forcing him to look at her. "Ben." Her voice was soft and gentle as her eyes became hopeful. "It isn't too late."

Kylo was startled by the sudden contact and even though he wanted to break away, he was rooted to the ground by her gaze. Her eyes were pleading as they seemed to stare right through him. His heart was pounding, and his thoughts were a jumbled mess. He couldn't think clearly because all he could feel were Rey's hands on his cheeks. His mouth opened and closed like a gaping fish as he struggled to speak. Her face enchanted him. He couldn't stop staring at her. Her lips were parted slightly as she stared at him with her piercing hazel eyes, a stray piece of hair fell against her cheek as his eyes roamed her lightly freckled skin, from her high cheekbones to a small scar on her cheek-he wondered where she had gotten that from-and then he realized how close the two of them were. Their faces couldn't have been more than a few inches apart. He suddenly wanted nothing more than to have the girl in front of him in his arms, even though he knew it was wrong because they were enemies, weren't they? Yet here they were, her hands on his face, their bodies inches apart, and their eyes locked with each other's unable to look elsewhere. The Bond between them seemed to hum with energy, slowly increasing in intensity. Kylo could feel his breath and heartbeat in perfect sync with Rey's, and her eyes dropped to his mouth for the briefest of moments. He didn't realize he was leaning forward until their foreheads bumped together. They both drew back quickly, startled and red-faced. Kylo rubbed the back of his neck and avoided eye contact.

Rey pretended to readjust her armband but she could feel her cheeks burning. Kriff, what the hell was she doing? Since she couldn't seem to be able to open her mouth, she sent a message with her mind. Sorry. She could feel the wave of embarrassment that washed over her as she continued to avoid eye contact. His mind touched hers gently and she could feel his embarrassment too, but there was something else or lack of something to be more specific. She didn't feel any regret in his mind over what had just happened, or any anger. She finally looked up at him in confusion, and he wore a solemn expression on his face, one might have thought that he was apathetic if they didn't look at his eyes. They caught her own and she felt drawn to them like magnets.

I didn't regret it if that's what you're wondering. Rey flinched slightly when she heard his voice in her head. It was disorienting to look at him and not see his lips move physically but to hear his voice so clearly in her mind. He had the same look in his eyes when he had asked her to join him. Vulnerable, but honest and genuine. Her heart twisted painfully at the memory. Why didn't you just take my hand? His voice rang in her head once more. That snapped Rey out of her stupor and her mental shields flew up and blocked him out. She glared at him, attempting to cover her embarrassment and hurt with anger.

"We're not doing this again," she said, crossing her arms and beginning to turn away.

"You still haven't answered," he persisted stubbornly. "You wanted to, didn't you?" Rey spun back around angrily to face him.

"No, I didn't! How many times do I need to tell that to you?" She could feel anger rising in her chest, threatening to burst out like an erupting volcano. She closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths to try to calm herself as Leia had taught her. "I didn't want to rule the galaxy, Ben!" His face was angry, too.

"Then what did you want?" he asked her, his voice rising. "I offered you everything! You wanted to, Rey. You know it, I know it. Why do you keep denying it!" He was so frustrated with her. Why did he want her to answer so badly? Why couldn't he just let it go?

"No, Ben you didn't!" she yelled. "I didn't want the kriffing galaxy, Ben!" Her eyes were shiny, and he realized that she was on the verge of tears. "You know what I wanted, Ben." Her voice was bitter, hurt, and shaky as she bit her lip in an attempt not to cry. A tear fell down her cheek anyway. Kylo grimaced as he watched the tear trickle down her face. He hesitated slightly before taking off his glove and wiping her cheek with his thumb. She didn't even look at him at this point, she just shut her eyes tightly.

"Rey," he said softly. When she didn't respond he spoke again both with his mouth and his mind. Rey. She finally craned her neck back slightly to look at him. She was so much smaller than him, and it was especially evident now in their close proximity. He let his hand linger on her cheek for a moment before reluctantly moving his hand away. He kept his gaze on her though, his eyes seeming to ask an unspoken question.

"You didn't offer me what I wanted," she said, her voice steadying. Her eyes were still shiny but no tears fell from her eyes. "You asked me for the wrong reasons."

"Kriff, Rey," Kylo said becoming frustrated again. "Then what would have been the 'right' reasons? Turning back to the light? Where my own family abandoned and betrayed me? To join a lost cause already on its dying breath? To be a good person?" His eyes were dark as they narrowed in anger. "I'm a monster, remember?" She flinched at her own words thrown back at her as he moved to turn away from her. "I don't have anything left there!"

"That's bullsh*t and you know it!" Rey said angrily. "Leia is part of that 'lost cause.' Your own mother isn't worth anything to you? Would you have killed her like you did your father?" Kylo froze for a moment and then he spun around and stalked over to her, his eyes dark, full of rage and pain. Rey's eyes widened when she realized what she had said, and she immediately regretted her words.

Kylo was fuming, his gloved hands clenched into fists so tightly they were shaking. "Don't even go there," he said menacingly, his finger pointing accusingly at her. "I had a chance to pull the trigger on the bridge! I could feel her there, and it would have been so easy. I didn't, Rey!" He was shouting. "I didn't want to kill my mother!" Rey's eyes were wide with confusion and shock.
"Then who blew up the bridge?"

"One of the other pilots." Kylo shut his eyes tightly as his fist clenched at his side. "I would have stopped it if I could have." Rey looked at him skeptically, as if she didn't believe him. He growled in frustration and moved his hand to Rey's temple. She flinched violently and tried to pull away, but not before Kylo forced his own memories of indecision and anguish into her head to show her.

Rey jerked away from him physically and mentally. She pushed him away with the Force so violently he flew backward several yards.

"Get out of my head." Her voice was low and threatening with an underlying tone of malice.

Kylo barely heard her, he so was surprised by her lashing out and then he realized that she was fuming with anger. He could practically feel the power radiating from her. There it was, the Darkness that he'd seen inside her. Her inner conflict as she tried to bury her emotions only grew in intensity as he picked himself up and drew nearer to her. The waves of emotion rolling off from her were so powerful that it nearly overwhelmed Kylo.

But suddenly Rey staggered and the anger she felt dissipated as quickly as it had surfaced. Her eyes were wide and her breathing came in uneven gasps. She stared at her hands in horror and when she lifted her gaze to meet Kylo's, he wore a similar expression of shock. She tried to speak, but her voice refused to work. Her heart was pounding so loudly she half expected Kylo to hear it. She attempted to regain control, but she felt so unstable that the only thing she could think of was to mask her vulnerability with anger.

"Just don't," she said, biting her lip to keep tears from spilling down her cheeks. She couldn't tell if her tears were from anger or sorrow. Kylo seemed to still be in shock before he caught himself and lowered his mask of cool indifference once again.

"It's too late for me," he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "There's nothing there for me." Rey looked hurt and her jaw clenched tightly. Kylo began to turn away, trying to break the connection.

"Then why haven't you killed me?" Her question hung in the air as if a lightsaber had been held to his throat. He froze, not sure what to say.

After a long beat of silence, he responded without turning around.

"Why haven't you killed me, Rey?"

Rey's heart jumped when she heard him speak her name. She didn't know how to respond and before she could open her mouth, the Bond closed, leaving her alone and more confused than she had ever been.

Kylo felt the Bond close and he was almost grateful that he didn't have to hear her response. In a sudden burst of anger and frustration, he slammed his fist into the wall, leaving a dent in the metal.