The next morning at the Fish Fry, Harry had barely walked in the back door when he heard yelling. "The health inspector is coming!" Oscar barked at him.

"When?" Harry asked. He wanted to make sure that if it was tomorrow, he didn't put in all his energy today.

"We don't know. It could be any day," his boss replied.

Just then, a man in a bright purple suit, a green Fitbit, a hat that read 'I'm with the health department' (with a little arrow pointing to his left) and Ray-Ban sunglasses moonwalked in. Additionally, he had a cool pet lizard on his shoulder, and he was holding a brown clipboard.

"Shit, that's him!" Oscar said.

"How do you know?" Harry asked.

"That's their uniform."

"Oh."

Seeing their uniform kind of made Harry want to become a health inspector. Ray-Bans were cool, and purple was an underrated color in the fashion world. But Harry knew that becoming a health inspector, while it did seem fun, would distance him from fish. So he knew he would never really make an effort towards that daydream.

"Ho ho ho hem, why yellow there Mr. Oscar," said the health inspector. Harry was thrown off by how this man spoke. His h's sounded like double yous. His double yous sounded like w's. "I see you've made quite an effort this time, but have you even cracked open the restaurant health code?"

"Hell no I ain't. We are men of fish in this building, and men of fish don't read," Oscar told him. Harry had never felt prouder of his boss, ever. He was so brave, standing up to the health inspector like that. Harry vowed never to read again, though he might make an exception for the L.L. Bean catalog. That was the Vogue magazine of the fishing world.

"You have quite a dedication to fish. The cabin boys over at the Long John Silvers next door- well they read," the health inspector told them. His lizard seemed unimpressed.

"Ain't no men of fish then," Oscar sneered. He hated that Long John Silvers. He hated the color yellow, and couldn't believe anyone would use it for their restaurant. He would often go around saying that the only good thing yellow was for was sunflowers. Harry didn't think that, though. Harry thought, the only thing yellow is good for is sunflowers - and that one Hufflepuff boy who has my heart.

The health inspector began walking around the Fish Fry. His pointed nose seemed to sneer at everything in the building. Harry had never seen a person walk past the hilarious talking fish on the wall and not have a smile on their face. The fish fry had an entire wall dedicated to these. There were at least 50 of them, and they were set off by motion. They were always going off, singing songs over one another. It was a true bluegill cacophony. "Well, that's a few points down for the noise complaints," the health inspector noted, marking his clipboard.

Next, the inspector walked over to the party room. It had not been cleaned since Dudley's party. There were still streamers up, and cake was laying there, abandoned by Dudley. There were some fish-shaped balloons deflating on the ground. The remnants of Harry's pinata were still scattered about. "Party decorations but no party, that's another 5 points down," said the purple-suited man.

Finally, the health inspector walked to the back of the store. The lizard on his shoulder made a delighted hissing noise. He walked by Harry's dishwashing station and commented, "Wow, this is truly the most gorgeous, well-kept dishwashing station I have ever seen! Where is the store's dishwasher?!" Arnold pressed his hand into Harry's back, forcing him towards the health inspector, who nodded. "Good job, boy," he said. Harry felt nothing but vitriol for this fish-hating man.

Then, in the blink of an eye, it happened. A mouse ran across the feet of the health inspector. The lizard leapt from the inspector's shoulder and went after it. The mouse drew a sword and impaled the lizard. The lizard spoke a quiet monologue about the loves of his life, and died. The health inspector picked up the lizard and shed a single tear. He threw the lizard in the nearest trash can, said "Kobe," and then drew from his pocket another lizard. "Oh god, what was that?!" he said, having missed the mouse.

"Just me- touching your feet with my feet!" Harry's mind was moving quickly. He had to come up with something. "I was...trying to flirt," he explained.

The health inspector looked taken back. "I'm at least 10 years older than you. Please, hit on people your own age."

Harry gained a small amount of respect for the health inspector. He was mostly glad the health inspector hadn't noticed the mouse. The inspector, meanwhile, was finishing up his rounds. "Well, this was all okay I guess, but I'll be back for a final review!" he said.

"Okay, see you then!" Oscar said as the health inspector moonwalked out of the building. He then turned to Harry. "Harry, please don't flirt with city officials, you don't know what they're capable of." And with that, everyone got back to their usual fish duties.

It had been a long day. Harry was exhausted by the time he walked up to the Dursley door. All he wanted to do was lay on his bed and think about fish for an hour and then go to sleep. But as he walked up to the door, he could hear a harsh wailing. For a second he thought that Moaning Myrtle might be visiting the house. But as he opened the door, he saw it was just Petunia, crying her eyes out in front of a stoic Vernon Dursley. Vernon rarely cried - in fact, the last time Harry saw Vernon cry was when there was a delay in drill production due to a worker's strike. This must be serious, he thought.

"Hey guys," he said slowly. Internally, he hoped that aunt Marge had died, but he knew it could be that Dudley's scaly disease had gotten worse. Harry often felt bullied by Dudley, but Dudley had backed off recently. Harry figured it was because he was such a good Fish Fry dishwasher and was rapidly becoming a better fisherman. But he didn't really know.

"We- we have to flush Dudley," Petunia squeaked out.

"Who?" Harry was confused.

"Your cousin… he's… he's become a fish!"

They gathered around the toilet bowl. Dudley had become a small fish, and they had put him in one of those round fishbowls which are really too small for any fish to live happily inside. Harry hoped this was not why Dudley had died.

"Well, let's say a few words," Vernon said. It was obvious his drilling company concerns were more pressing than the matter of his son, who was a fish now. Harry wanted to yell at him, tell him that drilling was going to lead to the destruction of the fish habitats. That he was, in the grand scheme of things, killing his own son by even thinking about drills.

"I… I… I can't. Harry, you say something," Petunia managed to say between sobs.

"There is nothing more beautiful in the world than a man and his fish. Fish are the most liberated of all the living species. Their freedom comes from their connection with the water, with their abilities to move in 360 degrees at all moments. Fish are incredible and freeing. Dudley may have passed on, but his new life as a fish will surely provide him with more opportunities than any of us could have ever imagined for ourselves." Petunia was crying, even more than before Harry started his speech. Truly, Harry was proud of his cousin for becoming a fish. He was a little jealous, but knew that his cousin had put the work in, and reaped the reward.