Skaifaya

by Cairlinn1991

What if Charlotte was not the only or even the youngest child on the dropship? This is the story of nine-year-old Marie Matthews, who is sent down to earth as a member of the 100. When Murphy is exiled from the 100 Marie follows him and they run into grounders. Separated from the 100 and to become Anya's second how will Marie stay alive and find a new life for herself?

17. Chapter 17 (161 - 170)

Chapter 161

They had sat some time in total silence, the only sound their quite breaths between them. Ontari would not have described Marie's company as uncomfortable, but it was obvious in the deep tension holding Marie's body upright, that the younger girl was uncomfortable at least.

Ontari was internally debating if it would be better to simply send the girl from her room and back to the general or if she should try once again to get Marie to speak about why she had sought her out in the first place. On the other hand, she had promised to try to help the younger girl and if her simple solitude was, what Marie needed right now, Ontari would continue sitting with her in silence for however long Marie wanted to stay.

Marie was surprised that Ontari did not press her to speak up again, but she was deeply thankful to the older girl for offering her time.

Marie did not know, why she was feeling so lost and insecure all of a sudden. It had been so easy to be with the queen. She had always known what was required of her and she had not been needed to think about anything. She had been so sure, that assassinating the commander would be what she needed to do for the queen and it confused her even more, that she was slowly starting to question this order.

Ontari had looked sincerer when she had pledged her vow to Lexa, than Marie could remember her looking at the queen. Her dark eyes had always been carefully blank in the presence of the queen, while they were expressive now, as if the older girl regarded it safer to show her emotions here than with the queen.

The longer Marie sat next to Ontari, she felt herself relax gradually over time. She started fiddling with the hem of her shirt, lost within her own thoughts.

"I don't know why I am feeling so …" Marie started to say, but trailed off again without finishing her thought.

"Lost?" Ontari suggested softly, keeping her expression open and watching the younger girl carefully. She could fathom what Marie was going through, at least partly.

"Yeah" Marie nodded after surprise flashed over her features.

Ontari let her hand brush over the younger girl's outstretched arm softly, as she tried to summaries her experiences after being brought back to Polis. She noticed how Marie tensed again after the first subtle touch, but just as she was thinking about increasing the space between them again, Marie finally relaxed again.

"I have been brought up under the queen's tutelage, after I have been snatched away from my parents…" Ontari retold, what she had already told Marie weeks ago.

"Do you remember them?" Marie interrupted her curiously.

Ontari shook her head slightly "If I try to really hard, I can remember faint details of them, but nothing complete".

Marie nodded "I wonder, how my parents have been…" she said faintly.

Ontari smiled slightly. They had never spoken in depths about the girl's early childhood and she did not know if the commander or the general might know more about that.

"I was younger than you were, when I was brought to Nia" Ontari continued calmly, diverting Marie's attention quickly.

A flash of horror ghosted over the girl's face at that thought.

"I became strong, just like you did" Ontari surmised with a sad note to her tone "I have suffered under the queen's fists and blows just like you did. But I have been with her for years. I did believe within the accuracy of her words, just like you are doing now. But I had to recognize that Nia was not right in everything. I have been nothing more than her loyal puppet."

Marie looked confused and deeply conflicted at hearing the nightblood girl speak so bluntly and clearly contradicting everything which she had been made to believe under the queen's violent force.

"But she cares for me… does she not?" Marie asked, voice faint and quivering.

"The queen only cares for herself" Ontari countered almost sourly, but she kept her expression kind and understanding.

"And you think the commander does not?" Marie asked after long moments. The girl had subconsciously started to lean closer to Ontari and their arms were touching now.

"You have seen how the commander handles complaints of her people today" Ontari reasoned calmly.

Marie nodded thoughtfully.

"I know how deeply Lexa and Anya both care for you" Ontari reassured the younger girl. Marie might not have been ready to hear and process such before, but she doubted the girl would believe the sentiment on the first occasion.

Disagreement appeared on the younger girl's features, doubt easily to identify within her grey eyes.

"You have not seen how they reacted to the news of Echo bringing you to Nia" Ontari explained after a moment. "They both mourned for you" Ontari added "You do not mourn someone, you do not care for".

Marie listened to the nightbloods words and she remembered Gustus' words from earlier "Gustus had one of the braids, the queen had cut of from my hair. He said that Anya and the commander carry one as well with them". The girl's voice sounded even slightly awed, as if she could not fathom this care of kind.

Ontari's dark eyes were deeply saddened as she gazed down at the girl's blonde head, she knew that Marie would have truly lost the understanding of what love was supposed to be. She could not see Marie's face anymore, as the younger girl was leaning it against her shoulder at the moment.

"I am sure that both of them would have kept one of your braids" Ontari agreed instantly "But I doubt that they have nothing else as keepsakes". She recognized the girl's dark green coat which must have been kept in store in Polis.

"But what about the queen now…?" Marie asked, peering up at the older girl. Her features still portrayed her confusion and sense of helpless floating.

Ontari quickly shook her head, as she wound one arm around the girl's smaller body, giving her a tight one-armed hug "Forget about her, Marie" she intoned seriously.

"I don't think I can" Marie said, voice quivering strongly and a shiver ran through her whole frame "I can't forget the feeling of her fingers …" the child's voice gave out and from the shaking of Marie's body, Ontari was sure, that she had begun to cry.

Ontari tightened her arm around the girl and switched her position, so that she could truly hug the younger girl tightly to her own body "It is alright, Marie, she cannot hurt you any longer" she tried to sooth the girl.

Even after the queen had kept Marie with her overnight, Ontari had not seen her cry even once. The girl had been visibly shaken and upset, but she had not responded to Ontari trying to offer her any comfort at all. She had only closed herself off completely from the older girl as her response. So, she desperately hoped that Marie opening up to her was a sign of progress. Ontari had no idea on what to really tell the younger girl, nothing would ever make right what been done to her.

Marie was crying in earnest now and she had fisted her hands into Ontari's shirt. Ontari kept on stroking over her hair and whispered reassurances to the younger girl, promising her that they would not ever let the queen touch her ever again. Ontari was certain the general and the commander would kill Nia with their bare hands, before they ever let their charge into the vicinity of Nia. Truthfully, Ontari was relatively sure, she would be aiding them and not the queen. A small part of her mind had not wanted to accept that Nia would truly stoop so low and fought to keep a small sliver of admiration for the queen within her mind.

It seemed to take forever before Marie's tears finally ran dry and only slight sobbing remained. When Marie straightened again, a blush coloured her cheek at the fact that she had broken down like that.

Ontari squeezed the girl's shoulders reassuringly, before she let go of her completely "It is alright, Marie, nothing to be ashamed of".

Marie hastily whipped at her cheeks, trying to erase the visible signs of her tears and her weakness. She wanted to believe to Ontari's words, she desperately wanted to believe her, but she was so confused.

"Thank you …" Marie said in a faint soft tone. She was grateful that the nightbloods dark eyes were free of judgement, but only showed honest compassion.

Ontari smiled at the younger girl reassuringly "You can come and see me, whenever you wish".

Marie nodded against a sudden lump in her throat and turned abruptly, leaving the room without another word.

She felt the guards watching her, but no one approached her or intercepted her on her way. The way back to the top level of the tower was simple enough that she did not need any help to find back to the general's quarters.

Marie stood in front of the doors indecisively for a moment, as she glanced in the direction of the commander's quarters, something subconsciously pulled her in the direction, but Anya had told her firmly to return to her quarters after leaving Ontari. She hovered in front of the door for another moment, the guards were already eying her, as she raised her fist to knock and let it fall down to her side again, several times.

Marie startled strongly, when Anya suddenly appeared behind her "There is no need to knock to enter the quarters we share" the general told her nonchalantly, while opening the door and getting in.

Marie watched the woman mutely, a slight blush on her cheeks as she shuffled inside after her.

Anya noticed how the girl's eyes looked suspiciously puffy, as if she had cried. She itched to prop the girl for what she had spoken about with Ontari. Although irrational she felt a slight surge of jealousy for the Ice Nation nightblood, it was apparent Marie trusted her more deeply at the moment and she did not know, how to fix that. She should probably be more grateful that it seemed that their charge was starting to confide into anyone.

Before Anya had made up her mind on how to ask Marie about her conversation with Ontari, a knock on the door announced the arrival of handmaidens. The general had ordered for a bath to be prepared for Marie. The girl had always liked the relaxation of a bath and had argued more than once with her and Lexa to let her soak in the steaming water for much longer than necessary to clean herself. She had teased her previous second about the fact that her one indulgence in enjoying extensive bathing seemed to have already rubbed off on the girl.

Marie watched the handmaidens carry several buckets filled with steaming water inside of their bathroom. She let her gaze travel over every single one of them, trying to recognize one of them and secretly hoping to see the green-eyed woman again, but she did not recognize a single one out of them.

She tried to subdue the frown wanting to settle on her features. Marie thought that she should have just stayed with Ontari until someone would have collected her for dinner. She had noticed that a second bed had been added into the quarters together with a chest for clothes at its foot, so Marie assumed that she now had her own bed. The knowledge of having her own sleeping space now calmed her slightly, although she felt uncomfortable with the thought of the general taking a bath now that she was present.

Marie remembered how the general had assured her in the morning that no one here expected of her to "make them feel good" as she phrased it within her mind. Although Anya's words had been delivered in a sincere tone, Marie still subconsciously doubted their truth. She had also reinforced her earlier words, no one would be punishing her in any physical form within the tower and punishments would only be decided by the general, the commander and the flamekeeper, she still had to be re-introduced to.

Marie was not sure yet, what she could truly believe in now. The royal guard of the queen had never been friendly or gentle with her, their trainings had been harsh, but their punishments for failure had mostly consisted of denied food and extra training, a slap at most. The queen herself had introduced her to a lashing as a form of punishment. Marie truly hoped that the general had spoken the truth and she would never be subjected to one ever again.

Training with Anya had been different from training with the royal guard. They had rarely cared if they had caused her injury and she had only been looked after, if she had been unable to stand up again or could not hold a weapon any longer. The general seemed to have stopped most of her attacks after she had drawn blood and the wounds she had gotten during the training were all solely superficial and she barely felt them at all.

Marie was pulled out of her thoughts by Anya addressing her in an even tone "Your bath is ready…" a slight tease seemed to be hidden within her brown eyes as her voice trailed off.

Marie frowned for a moment in apparent confusion, had she missed the general taking her own bath altogether? The woman's hair still looked slightly in disarray from training and had most definitely not been washed yet.

"Abby has given me a special kind of salve to be rubbed into your back after your bath. There is an oil in it as well, it should help with the scarring" the general explained, ignoring her charge's confusion and gently giving her a push into the direction of the bathroom.

Marie wondered why the woman's hand on her back had not felt unwelcome, but she went into the bathroom in silence.

She felt the presence of the general follow her inside of the room and she had to take a rather deep breath before she started to disrobe. She would have felt more comfortable if Anya would have stepped out of the room, but it looked as if she planned on staying with her.

"I want to look at your wounds" Anya explained calmly when she noticed the girl hesitating before taking of her shirt.

Marie frowned slightly, but nodded with a cautious expression "They are barely scratches" she insisted with a sullen tone.

Anya raised a brow questioningly at the girl, but when Marie remained silent, she crouched down in front of the girl and gently took one of her arms into her hands, turning the limp around to better inspect the grace on her upper arm. The skin did not look inflamed yet and it had obviously not bled for long, it would scab over quickly.

Marie watched the woman inspect every little scratch she had acquired during training with a constant frown on her features. A part of her felt, dare she name it, touched at the apparent display of care, while another part of her felt slightly annoyed to be treated like a child, unable to care for herself. Something else which ghosted through her mind was the question of why she did not feel her skin crawl now? She was naked in front of the general and although the woman was touching her, it felt entirely different and somehow oddly familiar as well.

The general even held her hand as she climbed into the large bathing tube, probably to keep her from slipping on the wet metal surface and hurting herself. She guessed that she could have done without the help, but it somehow felt good to be cared for like this as well.

"Anya…" Marie addressed the general in a soft and unsure tone.

The woman had stayed in the bathroom and taken position behind her charge. Marie's hair was in a terrible condition, slightly knotted and dull, as if it had not been cared for at all. Anya had questioned herself, if it was the right choice to stay behind and help the girl with her hair. Marie would undoubtedly have been able to give it a proper wash on her own, but she had already done so quiet a number of times and it had felt like a good opportunity to show to the girl that accepting help and physical closeness was alright and did not have to have bad consequences.

"Yes?" Anya asked, tone soft and inquiring. She had already wetted the girl blonde hair after detangling the old braids, which had taken a rather long time. The bathroom smelled strongly of the soap, Marie had enjoyed the most before. The general was working a mixture of different oils into the girl's blonde hair, attempting to get it to shine again. It had felt more like a heap of straw instead of soft locks.

"I spoke with Ontari earlier…" the girl started to say, but trailed off again.

Anya made a noise of acknowledgment, wondering why the girl felt the need to state such an obvious thing in the first place, but she guessed that Marie had actually intended to say something else entirely.

"…she said that we have been or are the queen's puppets…" Marie's voice trailed off again. The confusion and the reluctance to believe in such a sentiment was evident in her shaking tone.

Anya's fingers stilled for a second, before she continued their movements through Marie's blonde hair, which had usually calmed her before. She took a moment to think of a fitting answer, but Marie continued to speak before she finished thinking.

"…she said, I should forget her" Marie said and although Anya could not see the girl's features from her position, she was sure they were twisted into a deep frown.

"… she said, she cared for me…" Marie continued, before Anya could agree with Ontari's piece of advice.

Now it was Anya's time to frown. She doubted that Ontari would have worded such a sentiment in the past tense, both Lexa and she were sure that Marie was the sole reason for the nightblood to take the risk of returning to the capitol. Anger coursed through her mind at the thought that the sentiment should apply to the queen. "Nia only cares for herself" she did not quiet manage to ban the growl from her tone.

Anya was slightly surprised by the snort that pulled from Marie's lips.

"Ontari said the same thing…" Marie breathed back and although she still sounded unsure and confused, a sense of humour seemed to ring within her words.

Anya carefully rinsed out the oils out of the girl's blonde hair. She was satisfied with herself, Marie's body looked relaxed and she had stopped flinching under her touch completely. A slight and shy smile seemed to ghost over the girl's lips as she accepted a towel from the general, before she stepped out of the bathing tube.

"I will apply the ointment after you have dried off" Anya said, before she turned around to step out of the room and give the girl a few moments of privacy.

Marie's soft voice stopped the general in her tracks. "Do you truly care for me…?" the girl's tone was so low it was barely distinguishable, but her grey eyes seemed desperate for a positive answer.

Anya had turned back around immediately and she crouched down in front of the girl, ignoring the slightly startled look flashing over her features for a second, she gently cupped the girl's cheeks with her hands "I love you very much, Marie". To give words to such a sentiment still felt slightly alien to Anya, but it was clear the girl needed to hear such words now more than ever.

The first honest smile since her return appeared on Marie's face, it was still shaky and fleeting though. "I am glad to be back" she said softly.

Anya caressed her cheek for a moment, before she cleared her throat and stood up again, repeating the order for Marie to dry off and get back into the main room, so that she could apply the ointment to the girl's skin.

Chapter 162

Marie remained in the bathroom far longer than she actually needed to dry herself off. The general's order to come back into the main room and lay down on her bed, still ringing in her ears. Although the woman had told her that she wished to apply some kind of ointment to her skin, Marie did not feel well with the concept.

Why would scars need to be treated anyway? The skin on her back had not bled for a few weeks, so everything must have been scarred over by now.

Being naked with the intent to get into a bathing tube, suddenly felt a whole world different from having to lay down naked in front of the general.

But she knew that stalling for time would probably not work forever and the general had already seen her naked when she had inspected her wounds before the bath, so Marie took a calming deep breath, straightening herself and put on a calm front, before she stepped out of the bathroom.

Anya had waited more or less patiently in their quarters for Marie to join her. She understood that the girl would probably be nervous to allow her to face her naked back. In a way it pained her more than she had expected to see that her charge did not trust her anymore. She internally contemplated if it would be better to call for one of the healers to apply the ointment, maybe Marie would feel safer with "a professional".

But the girl appeared calm and collected as she set foot out of the bathroom. Her blonde hair was still damp and loose, it was already visible that it looked softer and shinier again. They would need to adapt the girl's hairstyle to accommodate for the trademark red ribbons to be included in her shorter hair, which decreased the possibilities of braiding it considerably. Anya banned that train of thought from her mind, the girl's hair would grow back over time after all.

Marie laid down on the added bed facedown and mutely stared at the general, waiting for the woman to make her first movement.

Anya cleared her throat once again, before she opened the jar of ointment and warmed some of it between her fingers.

The girls back looked horrible, huge parts of her tattoo were now nearly unrecognizable due extensive scarring. Abby was probably correct and the skin would need to be treated to remain soft or the girl could become problems with moving comfortably.

Although Marie was obviously trying hard to remain calm and not show how much the whole situation bothered her, the girl still tensed visibly as soon as the general's fingers made contact with her skin.

Anya tried to make quick work of applying the ointment to the girl's back and she did not pause before applying it to her upper thighs as well, asking the girl to turn around, so that she could spread some of it on her front as well. The girl's breathing was visibly quickened and the knuckles of her fingers were wide under her skin, from the way she had clenched them to fists at her side.

"You can dress again" Anya said evenly, taking a step back and cleaning her fingers on a rag, turning her back slightly to give the girl a sense of privacy. She supressed a sigh, it was obvious the girl's relaxation from the bath had all but vanished again.

Marie was quick to follow that order, but her movements paused once Anya spoke again.

"We will dine within the commander's quarters" the general said firmly.

Surprise flashed over the girl's face momentarily. Marie frowned slightly, if she truly had been her first, she would have been within her quarters before. She remembered that Lexa had already talked with her privately before, but Marie was still anxious to be faced with her again.

"Sit there" Anya directed her charge and motioned to a chair.

Marie frowned slightly at the order but complied wordlessly.

"I will do your hair" Anya explained, which only increased Marie's frown.

"I can do my hair myself!" Marie snapped apparently angry.

Anya raised a brow inquiringly, although Abby had told them that mood swings and snappiness were to be expected, Lexa and she had agreed that they would not take an attitude from their charge. Marie would need to learn her new limits quickly and she could not be allowed to act over them in public.

Marie's anger faded as quickly as it had surfaced and it was apparent the girl was worrying of how the general would handle insolence.

"Watch your tone, Marie" Anya reprimanded her charge in a sharp tone and the girl nodded immediately, casting her eyes down.

Anya sighed under her breath as she took a few ribbons out of a pocket in her trousers. Lexa had sent the ribbons to the general in the morning, they would need to show Marie's place continued as the commander's second.

Marie's grey eyes snapped to the red ribbons, she recognized the red fabric immediately. They had been woven into her hair, before the queen had Echo cut them off.

"You will need another hairstyle now, that they are shorter, until they have grown back" Anya explained, voice still strict. Lexa and she had agreed, that she would try out something, which could still be changed later if the commander did not like what she had come up with.

After Anya had treated the girl's blonde hair with oils, her hair was soft again to the touch and Anya did not have any difficulties to weave them into a few braids. The red ribbons contrasted starkly with her blonde shining hair and the girl's face looked even sharper now that her hair was pulled away from her face. Anya pulled out a few strands around the girl's forehead to slightly gentle her sharpened features again.

"All done" Anya said after a few moments of silence. Marie had sat still obediently and simply let the general work on her hair; the woman's fingers had been much gentler than Echo's had ben when the Ice Nation warrior had impatiently taught her on how to tame her hair.

Marie walked over to the bathroom and inspected her reflection in a huge shard of an old mirror, which had been propped up against a wall. A slight smile graced her lips, she liked how Anya had styled her hair.

Anya leaned against the door frame, watching Marie's mannerism with amusement. It was good to see a little bit of her old self within the girl again.

"It is time to go now, Marie" Anya called the girl out of her thoughts after a few more minutes. The general felt anticipation settle in her mind, she knew how important it was that Marie would get along with Lexa without trying to kill the general. Lexa would probably be deeply disappointed as well, if the girl did not start remembering their connection soon.

It was obvious Marie was nervous as well, as the girl tried to pull up a calm and unreadable front. Although Marie had seen the commander in the meeting earlier at the same day, being invited into the commander's private quarters seemed entirely different. She was not aware of a protocol to follow on how to treat the commander in a more private setting.

"Have I been there before?" Marie stopped Anya hesitantly, before the general could open the door to step out into the corridor.

Anya frowned slightly "If you mean within the commander's quarters by "there", then yes, you have" she explained and after a moment the woman added "We have lived within Lexa's quarters for weeks".

"But you have not been commander…" Marie contradicted with a furrowed brow. It did not make sense to her that they should have been living within the commander's private quarters for weeks. A horrible thought flashed through her mind and she felt her breathing quicken against her will. What if the commander had demanded "services" from her, like the queen had?

Anya regarded the girl in silence for a moment, it was obvious that her thoughts must be going head over heels. She tried to put her hands onto Marie's shoulders, trying to calm the girl's increasing panic, but the child flinched away from her touch. "There is nothing to fear, Marie" Anya tried to reassure the girl with words "You have not done anything wrong and we are only going to dine together".

Marie's panic seemed to ebb away as quickly as it had surfaced, or the girl was hiding it much better after a few deep breaths.

Marie followed the general in silence through the hall and she would have liked it better, if their quarters had been farer away, which would have afforded her more time to pull herself back together.

Gustus and a man she did not recognize, she internally wondered if she had seen him before, stood post at the doors to the commander's quarters. The burly guard sent her a friendly smile and Marie subtly inclined her head in acknowledgment.

She felt her heart hammering strongly against her chest as the doors were pulled open and the grand quarters were revealed.

Anya walked through the door without missing a beat and the general shortly bandied a look with her former second.

Although Lexa seemed to try to appear relaxed, she was anything but.

Clarke was in the bathroom, trying to keep the wolf there for at least a few minutes.

"Anya" Lexa greeted her mentor audibly, before she turned her green eyes to Marie and repeated her welcome. A slight smile graced her features and her eyes were soft.

Marie seemed to freeze in her step, as she was addressed by the commander and she instantly looked to Anya for guidance. The queen had of course not prepared her to truly interact with the commander and if she were to follow Ontari's advice, she would forget the queen's instructions anyway.

Scratching noises from beyond the bathroom door pulled Lexa's attention from Marie only the beat of a second later. Her smile had faltered visibly and a surge of disappointment coursed through her veins. Lexa had hoped beyond reason that the girl would remember her as instantly as she had remembered her connection to Anya.

"Let her out, Clarke" the commander called in the direction of the bathroom and the door opened a second later.

Risha squished herself through the door before it was fully opened and the wolf instantly ran to Marie.

Marie's eyes widened in alarm and she took a frightened step back, as a wolf approached her in a fast pace. Had the commander kept the beast here to have her killed by it?

When Marie shrieked in obvious fear of the animal, the wolf stopped directly in front of the girl. It looked as if Risha was inspecting her human with a slightly tilted head.

Marie had taken a few steps to get distance to the beast and to get closer to Anya. She hoped that her first would not let herself be killed like that.

The frown on Anya's face made Marie pause though and the girl's voice was barely audible as she asked "Have I known the wolf?"

She cautiously looked at the animal again from a safer distance. The wolf did not look particularly fearsome, if anything it looked as confused, as Marie was feeling.

Anya nodded with a slight sigh "She was yours" she answered the girl's question.

Marie's eyes widened noticeably and she fully returned her attention to the wolf now. Cautiously Marie crouched down in front of the wolf and they looked into each other's eyes for long silent moments.

"She has grown so much…" Marie said after long moments, as a few hazy memories returned to her mind. Marie could recall finding the small cub next to its dead mother, she did not remember why she had been there or what had happened before. But she knew that Anya had told her that the commander would make a decision.

The wolf was wagging its tail at her and when Marie stretched out her fingers to let them glide through the wolf's fur, the animal licked at them. Marie giggled slightly at the feeling of the wet tongue and something clicked in her mind again.

Marie let the wolf lick her fingers before she looked to the commander "You have let me keep her" she addressed the woman. Not dressed in the regalia of the commander, Lexa looked smaller and softer and just like any other young woman.

Risha leapt slightly forward and licked the girl's face enthusiastically, Marie shrieked in reaction and started to giggle, lightly shoving at the wolf to get her out of her face.

Lexa and Anya shared a look, both feeling relieved to see Marie's childishness reappear, but the moment was broken when Clarke let out an audible chuckle.

Marie tensed immediately, suddenly aware again of the three adults watching her. Her features hardened and her grey eyes dulled again.

"What do you remember about Risha?" Lexa addressed the girl in an even tone, keeping her features soft and open. The commander hoped that Marie would recall their interactions concerning Risha, while Anya had been against keeping the wolf from the beginning, she had seen no harm in it. The fact that Marie glanced to Anya, before giving an answer to her question, felt like a physical slap to Lexa.

"Just finding her as a cub, but she is older now obviously" Marie reasoned with a slight furrow to her brow "Risha is her name?"

"You have named her yourself" Anya remarked not quiet hiding the sigh from her voice.

Marie nodded, grey eyes thoughtful, but she kept on lightly stroking over Risha's muzzle, to the wolf's obvious pleasure.

"The food will get cold" Clarke interjected, once it became clear that Marie would simply stare at nothing in silence until someone addressed her again.

Anya nodded and motioned Marie over to the table. Alira had had a small feast prepared for Marie's official return and the table was laden with a huge variety of dishes the girl had once liked.

It was obvious quickly that Marie was overwhelmed both with the overabundance with food and how to act now.

The girl was extremely stiff in her chair and although her outer demeanour portrayed indifference, her fingers shook slightly and her grey eyes darted between them nervously without stopping even for a second.

Although Marie's eyes kept on returning to the commander, she seemed to orientate herself more strongly at Anya, copying what the general was eating.

Conversation was slow going around the table. Marie contributed only if she was directly asked something and her answers were curt and clipped, the girl was not unkind but obviously not willing to engage in conversation as well.

Clarke had tried in vain to keep the conversation somewhat flowing. While Lexa and Anya both were relatively comfortable in silence, it granted on the blonde's nerves. She had watched the commander's hopefulness vanish from her green eyes as the meal trudged on and it was no surprise to her, that Lexa excused herself quickly with the excuse of having another meeting.

Marie thought she would be relived to return to the general's quarters, but the opposite was the case. She felt oddly dissatisfied with how the dinner had gone. Marie had hoped to get regain memories pertaining the commander, but nothing had come back to her.

Anya had bustled around the room, while Marie sat tersely on the edge of her bed, picking at the hem of her shirt.

The general regarded her charge with a frown. They had been so used to the girl's chirpy nature, that the silence around her was more than a stark contrast.

"Get ready to sleep" Anya addressed her charge in a strict tone and watched how Marie immediately seemed to jump into action. It was obvious that the girl was not feeling at home with her anymore and Anya had no idea on how to regain her charge's trust. Abby had said that the girl's ability to trust anyone would probably be severely impaired after what she had suffered through.

Marie did not say a single word while she washed herself and returned into the main room, she only said a faint "good night" before lying down and turning her back to the general.

The day had been a whirlwind of emotion for Marie and the girl was exhausted, so she fell asleep quickly.

Unfortunately, she did not sleep peacefully for long, nightmares invaded her dreams after only a few short hours of rest. Marie woke with a start, gasping for air silently, shivering and drenched in a cold sweat. Her grey eyes were wide and she glanced over to the other bed quickly, praying in her mind that she had not woken the general, but Anya seemed to be asleep still.

Marie tried to calm her frantically beating heart, but her shivering seemed to only increase as the seconds ticked by and even though she pulled the furs tighter around her body, a coldness settled into her bones that could not be thawed like that.

When she started to feel sick to her stomach again, Marie cautiously set her feet on the ground, trying to still her breathing and clear her mind of the memories haunting her mind. She kept her eyes hefted on the sleeping form of the general, looking for signs that she woke her up, but she remained still.

On almost silent feet Marie sneaked through the room, she had remembered the outline and did not crash into any pieces of furniture now. She opened the door to the quarter's with shaking fingers and so ever slowly as to not make any unnecessary sounds, Marie slipped out into the hall.

Another warning: This and the next chapter will again contain references to rape and also suicidal thoughts.

Chapter 163

Anya woke suddenly to the sound of the door to her quarters being closed. She shot upright in the bed, her hands automatically grabbing the dagger she kept under her pillow. She could not spot movement in the dim light falling inside from the moon, the candles had all given out already.

Anya glanced over to Marie's bed and found it empty. She immediately stood from the bed and walked over to the bathroom, but the door was open and Marie obviously not inside.

Without even thinking to dress herself again, Anya stepped out into the corridor hurriedly, trying to locate her charge.

Her brown eyes fell down the corridor to the doors of the commander's quarters, but a guard standing post at her own door addressed her "She just entered the elevator. We did not know…" the young man trailed off.

Anya waved him off quickly and nodded in acknowledgment. The man did not comment on her lack of decent clothing, the general was only dressed in a threadbare shirt and a pair of underwear.

Anya could her the movement of the elevator when she stood in front of the contraption. Would Marie try to run away? With a sinking heart Anya realized that none of them had even fathomed that possibility. She hoped Marie would be seeking out Ontari instead, but she still felt irritated that the girl was already not telling her on where she was going.

Anya quickly travelled the stairs to the floor which held Ontari's room and she could spot the doors of the elevator closing again, so she hoped Marie had truly left it here. She walked into the direction of Ontari's room slower, she wished to see what Marie had planned to do.

The guards standing in front of the Ice Nation nightblood's doors were obviously as confused as her own guard to see the young girl in the middle of the night, but they did not deny Marie access to the door.

Marie visibly hesitated for a moment, her outstretched fist hovering in front of the door, clearly wondering if she should knock. The girl must have decided against it and let her hand fall again, before simply pushing the door open.

The guards must have seen Anya approaching, but before they could address her, the general waved them away with a dismissive gesture. Anya strained her ears against the footsteps of the retreating guards.

Ontari's room was dark, beside for a small sliver of moonlight falling inside through the small window and Ontari startled awake, feeling someone's presence. Her first instincts were to protect herself, so the nightblood leaped up from the bed, pressing a dagger against the throat of the intruder.

Ontari abruptly let go, when she realized that the intruder was not a grown adult, but rather Marie.

"I could have killed you!" she snapped at the younger girl, feeling slightly shocked.

"Why do you have a dagger?" Marie asked with a frown, a hand ghosting over the shallow cut Ontari had made with the blade on her throat.

Ontari lighted a small fire in the fire place, which illuminated the room quickly. She stored the dagger again under her mattress and she commented "Just because the commander let me stay, does not mean that all the others will be happy to see me alive. I am Ice Nation, Marie, and there is going to be war soon".

Marie's frown deepened "Someone threatened you?" she asked, worry apparent in her voice.

Ontari slightly shook her head "Not yet. But I doubt it will be long. The commander's protection will only do so much…" her voice trailed off and she noticed how the younger girl was only dressed in a loose shirt "Does the general know you are here, Marie?"

Marie bit her lip indecisively. She had not wanted to wake the woman, she still did not know if she would be punished for waking her. She had wanted to see Ontari and not Anya. So, she shook her head "I don't think I woke her up".

Ontari sighed audibly under her breath "You cannot sneak away like that, Marie" she reprimanded the younger girl lightly.

"You said I could see you anytime…" Marie remarked, accusation lacing her tone and her grey eyes shone wet suspiciously.

Ontari nodded quickly and took a step closer to Marie, cautiously placing her hands on the younger girl's shoulders. Her voice was soft and reassuring as she answered "You can, Marie. But the general will be worried, if she finds you gone".

Marie nodded with an almost sullen expression "I want to stay…" She did not wish to return to the general's quarters.

Ontari sighed again "Lie down" she ordered "You are freezing".

She watched the younger girl, as she complied with her order. It was obvious Marie must have been woken by a nightmare. The young girl looked pale and sweaty, her grey eyes wide and filled with fear, a slight shaking still running through her body.

Ontari hoped she could calm the girl down and bring her back to the general's quarters afterwards. For some reason she was sure neither the general nor the commander would appreciate it, if she kept their charge with her overnight.

Ontari cautiously climbed into the bed beside Marie, trying in vain to keep some distance between them. The bed was too small to allow for that and Ontari carefully balanced on the edge, she nearly fell over though, when Marie turned around and buried her face against her neck.

Marie herself did not quiet understand why she had sought out Ontari and seemed to need her physical closeness now. But she had remembered how the older girl had calmed her when the queen had introduced her to physical punishments and she had slept encased in Ontari's arms. Her fears and worries had only quitted then totally and although she had not allowed the older girl to comfort her since the queen had changed, she hoped that her comfort would help her now again.

Ontari felt Marie's body shudder against herself, as the younger girl seemed to start crying.

"Ssshh" Ontari tried to sooth the upset girl, letting her fingers comb gently through her blonde hair and stroke over her back. "You are safe now, Marie" she repeated over and over again, until Marie seemed to calm slightly.

When it looked as if the younger girl was close to falling asleep, Ontari roused her gently "Marie, you need to return to the general's quarters" she tried to reason with the girl softly.

Marie shook her head and her hands tightened, where they were fisted into Ontari's shirt, and her voice had a whiny quality to it as she mumbled "Don't want to… Can't I stay here?"

"Marie…" Ontari sighed. She did not wish to have to send the younger girl away, but she knew Marie's place was not here.

"You don't want me to stay…." Marie's voice was quivering and had gotten slightly higher, as she backed out of Ontari's arms, leaning against the cold stone wall with accusative grey eyes.

Ontari sighed again. She knew that she should probably send Marie back to the general, but she also did not wish to disappoint the trust the younger girl seemed to have in her.

"I did not say that, Marie" Ontari insisted in a caring tone "But the general will surely be worried when she finds you gone" she said trying to appeal to the girl's reason.

"I did not want to wake her" Marie shook her head and a slight sliver of fear seemed to ghost over her features.

Ontari frowned slightly "Marie, there is no need for you to fear the general…" she said and after the beat of a second added "…nor the commander, for that matter".

Marie nodded with a thoughtful expression, but she remained silent.

"What upset you?" Ontari inquired in a gentle tone and took the younger girl's hand, lightly pulling on them to pull her away from the cold wall and back into the bed.

"Anya…" Marie started to say and then trailed off again.

Anya stood in front of the not completely closed door to Ontari's quarters and carefully listened to the conversation going on between the two girls. She could not help the growing sensation of jealousy that took root in her belly as it was obvious her charge preferred Ontari's company right now.

"What of her?" Ontari asked again, letting her fingers draw soothing circles on the girl's hand. She was absolutely sure that the general would not have physically hurt the younger girl, so she was not too worried about Marie's answer.

"She said she loved me…" Marie breathed out softly and her grey eyes bore into Ontari's dark ones with a deep desperation to understand swimming in them.

Ontari nodded with the ghost of a smile playing around her lips "I told you the general and the commander care deeply for you, Marie" she reminded the younger girl.

Marie nodded mutely, it was obvious she was still deeply upset though.

"You do not believe her?" Ontari checked in a cautious tone. She had no idea what had the younger girl so upset at the moment.

Marie immediately shook her head in denial "I don't think she lied…" she said, and an expression of wonder passed over her features as she said "She made a tea for me when I was sick in the night. She was not angry that I woke her. Or I think she was not..."

"I doubt she was" Ontari agreed instantly, before Marie continued to speak.

"She looked after every small wound I got during training" the younger girl's voice was tinted with honest confusion and surprise "And she washed and made my hair. She applied some kind of salve to help with the scarring as well. And she was upset…" a shadow seemed to pass over the girl's features and Ontari felt her smaller hands starting to shake again.

"She was upset about what?" Ontari gently asked, trying to divert Marie's attention from whatever was haunting her.

Marie's grey eyes seemed to widen again and she stared down at their joined hands, before she ripped her own smaller hands away again, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"You don't need to tell me" Ontari quickly reassured, alarmed at the girl's reaction. She had not meant to deepen the girl's turmoil.

Silence settled between them for a moment and Anya contemplated if she should just enter and order her charge to come back to their quarters, but something rooted her in her spot. She was relived to hear from Marie's mouth that she did believe in her feelings, but she was confused what the problem might be, if Marie truly did believe her.

Marie's grey eyes seemed to have dulled totally when she spoke up again, her voice sounded strangely monotonous and Ontari doubted she was aware of her position anymore. "Has the queen ever demanded you to make her feel good?"

Ontari swallowed forcefully when their eyes connected again and she could almost taste the other girl's misery, it was so apparent at the moment, and she shook her head in denial "She did not". Ontari herself had wondered already why Nia had never done the same to her and the only reason she had come up with had been that she had already been loyal and believing without the further need to be broken.

"She said that I have to. That it is my obligation. That you do that, if you care for each other…" Marie's voice was laced with confusion and she had gotten paler again.

"Nia did not care…" Ontari interjected forcefully, voice raised slightly to make her point.

Marie nodded with a miserable expression "But if she did not care for me, why did she do it then…?" her voice sounded almost broken and tears fell from her eyes again.

Ontari shook her head, lost for words. She did not know what to tell the younger girl. She doubted it would be helpful to tell her that the queen's only intent had been to break her spirit.

Marie seemed to gather herself surprisingly quickly and the tears stopped as fast as they had come. She still had curled into herself and she seemed to remember, why she had started to tell Ontari about it at all. "I tried to offer the same to Anya…" she explained and her grey eyes were completely confused again.

Ontari audibly sucked in a harsh breath. She could imagine that the general would have been highly upset by that.

"…she did not wish for me to service her like that. She said no one would make me do that ever again" Marie finished and after a moment she added "And she cried…why would she cry?"

Ontari nodded in obvious agreement to the first part of the younger girl's words, but she faltered slightly at Marie's question. She did not know exactly why the general would shed tears in response to that revelation, but she could fathom the reason. "Marie, she will probably feel that she failed you" she tried to reason gently with the younger girl.

Marie's grey eyes clouded in confusion "But she has not hurt me" she insisted.

"I know" Ontari agreed "And you can be sure, that she never will either. But as far as I know, you separated during a hunting trip and you lost your memory afterwards. So, essentially, she will probably blame herself for leaving you on your own and not being able to protect you from Nia. I guess the commander will share the sentiment though."

Marie seemed to contemplate her words for long moments "They did not command the queen to do anything to me…" She did know that what had happened to her was no one's fault, but she still did not understand why the queen would hurt her in the first place. Had she done something to the queen?

"No, they did not" Ontari agreed again. She did not know how to explain to Marie better why both the general and the commander would feel guilty that Marie had ended in the queen's hands.

"I don't understand why the queen had made me make herself feel good and Anya does not want me to do that. If it is something you make for people you care for…" Marie repeated giving voice to her conflicting thoughts.

"Marie, Nia did not care for you in the sense care is meant to be" Ontari tried to instil in the young girl's mind "She used you. She manipulated you and she hurt you. The general will not want you to service her sexually not because she does not love you, but rather because she truly loves you".

Her words did not seem to have the effect Ontari had wished for them to have and the nightblood tried to explain herself better, when Marie's confusion seemed to only increase. "Nia never cared for you, Marie. She only cares for herself and what others can do for her" she said forcefully "It is true that people who care for each other make themselves feel better…" Ontari tried to explain, feeling herself fumble with the words almost helplessly "…but there is a difference between a consensual sexual relationship between two adults and what Nia made you do, Marie. It is simply not the same."

"Why not?" Marie interjected, voice sounding dejected and her grey eyes shone with helplessness.

"Because you did not want to share your body with Nia like that, Marie" Ontari answered quickly "The general and the commander care for you in a totally different way, Marie. They would not hurt and violate you like that".

"But I did not fight back…" Marie said in a trembling tone and tears filled her grey eyes again. She remembered that the Skykru doctor had called it rape, that the queen had raped her. But did rape not mean that the victim had to fight back? Did it not mean she had sort of agreed to it because she had just participated?

Ontari felt her heart almost breaking for the younger girl and she felt utterly helpless to actually offer any real support to Marie. She desperately wished for the general or the commander, or even the Skykru doctor, to be there in her place, but it seemed Marie had chosen to confide to her. She tried to think of a fitting answer, but she asked instead "Have you told that to the general or anyone else?"

Marie shook her head in the negative and tightened her arms around her knees, pulling them more firmly against her chest and making herself even smaller.

Ontari sighed under her breath, she had feared exactly that answer. "You should speak to the general about that, Marie" she tried to reason with the younger girl and she had to fight against tears of her own, she felt so unprepared to help Marie at this very moment. Not a single one of all the lessons in fighting and surviving could have prepared her for a situation like this.

Marie quickly shook her head again. She did not wish to speak to anyone about it, she did not understand why she had even spoken up to Ontari at all. It was a conflict raging in her mind, on the one hand she desperately wanted to understand what had happened to her, and she knew she could not find the reason within her own mind, but she also did not wish to speak about it.

Ontari nodded, taking a deep breath and she tried to remember what the Skykru doctor had lectured her on during the day on what to tell Marie, if the girl would confide to her. "Did you want to make Nia feel good?" she asked finally, trying to argument with logic with the younger girl.

Marie immediately shook her head.

"Did it make you feel good to have to do it?" Ontari inquired, although she knew the answer already.

Marie's shaking got more pronounced again and she disagreed almost frantically.

"What do you think would have happened if you had not complied with Nia's orders?" Ontari asked softly keeping her dark eyes compassionate.

Marie frowned for a moment, before she shuddered "She would have killed you and me…"

Ontari frowned now "Did Nia threaten you with death?" She had known the queen worked with threats, but she had not thought that she would have been included in that, nor that Marie would have truly tried to safe her then.

Marie nodded "She said that she would make me kill you and kill me afterwards".

Ontari nodded with a cautious expression. She was relatively sure, that Nia would not have followed through with that, but it was obvious Marie had believed so.

"I thought about it…" Marie said, almost inaudibly and Anya had to strain her hearing to catch the girl's soft words, her heart falling into the pit of her stomach at the implication of her charge's words.

"About what?" Ontari inquired with a frown. She doubted Marie would have wished to kill her, but she had no idea just how deeply Nia had wound herself into Marie's fragile mind.

"Letting her kill me" Marie confessed and after a moment she added "Or ending it myself…"

Ontari sucked in a harsh breath and her own eyes widened in disbelieve.

"She caught me…" Marie continued, voice sounding hollow and far away again and Ontari waited for the younger girl to continue.

"…I had been left alone in her quarters for a few moments and she had left a dagger on the table" Marie narrated, eyes unseeing and horror etched deeply into her features "It would have been so easy to slice my own throat open and end it…but the queen returned earlier…I had not heard her return…she was so angry…that was when she said I would have to kill you before she would give me the mercy of death…"

Chapter 164

Ontari had paled at the younger girl's words and she was surprised that Marie still had enough compassion left in her to continue living just to save her.

Anya felt a part of herself shatter at her charge's admission. Abby had cautioned them on the fact the Marie might be having suicidal tendencies, but she had not wished to believe that Nia had succeeded in completely destroying the in love with life part of Marie.

"…she said I could not simply kill myself and take me away from her…she needed me, she said…she…" Marie broke down completely and Ontari wound her arms around the younger girl, enveloping her in her strong arm.

"Marie, you need to speak with the general about all of this" Ontari tried to repeat to Marie with urgency in her tone. She would not betray the younger girl and relay what she had been told to the general herself, but she simply was not able to provide the aid, Marie obviously needed.

Marie shook her head again, backing away from the nightblood's hug.

"Why not?" Ontari asked, desperation seeping into her tone. "The general and the commander both want to help you" she insisted strongly.

"I know…" Marie said in an almost broken tone "You don't understand…"

"Then explain it to me" Ontari requested softly "They care for you, deeply, Marie".

"That is the point!" Marie retorted hotly, suddenly angry at the older girl.

Ontari looked at the girl with a frown, not understanding her sudden outburst at all.

"They care for me, yes" Marie agreed, voice raised and angry "But I don't remember. I do NOT remember!"

Ontari's frown had only deepened, they all knew that Marie had not regained her memories yet, so she truly failed to understand the problem.

"You have not seen how disappointed they are, that I don't remember" Marie confessed, a bitterness in her tone now "I try to remember, but the more I try, I feel like the less makes sense".

"Marie, no one expects you to regain your memories like that" Ontari insisted. But she knew that it would not be easy to interact with Marie for the commander and the general. She had had dealt with this new version of Marie and it had been hard for her to adapt as well and their connection could not compare to the love between the three of them, so Ontari could barely fathom how much harder it would be for the commander and the general.

Marie huffed "They don't know how to interact with me" the young girl said voice laced with frustration with herself "I can see that they are holding back and expecting me to react in a certain way, but I don't know how to anymore".

"You should not stress yourself like that, Marie" Ontari cautioned. She remembered that the Skykru doctor had spoken about something like that and stressing herself would only be contradictory to Marie's recovery, she had said something about the girl blocking herself if she acted like that.

"You can speak to them just like do with me" Ontari added after Marie had remained silent for long moments.

"Maybe…" Marie agreed cautiously, although hesitancy was obvious in her tone, belying her tentative agreement.

"You can" Ontari repeated, more forcefully this time, but her voice got softer again as she asked "Why do you think that you cannot trust them like that?"

"How should I…?!" Marie's voice had taken on a shrill shriek and anger flashed through her grey eyes again.

Ontari frowned at the younger girl's reaction.

Marie's voice was quivering and hollow again, when she spoke up again "…I trusted the queen…" and tears gathered in her grey eyes again.

The girl's words and their implication had been like a vicious slap to Anya's face. She understood immediately why Marie had chosen to trust Ontari and was hesitant to show them even slight amounts of trust now. Nia had used and broken all the trust the young girl had naively shown to her and by thus broken her very believe in the fundamentality of trust.

Ontari seemed to have come to the same conclusion as she asked "And now you fear that the commander and general will misuse your trust as well?"

No audible answer was given, but Anya could hear the Ice Nation nightblood inhale sharply, so she could assume that Marie had nodded her agreement. She had waited for what felt like hours in front of the doors Ontari's quarters, biding her time for the perfect moment to interrupt the girl's conversation and get Marie back into their room, but Anya knew that she could not do so now. If she revealed her presence now, Marie would already feel betrayed by her. Anya was on the one hand grateful that she had chosen to follow her charge, because it was clear she might otherwise have never heard the same admissions from Marie, but on the other hand she felt oddly defeated.

Marie had not been wrong in her assessment of Anya's and Lexa's feelings of disappointment. They had both been so relived to see the girl alive, that it was like a harsh blow now, to see the girl physically, but to be so separated from her at the same time.

Anya soundlessly inched away from the nightblood's quarters. The guards had waited at the end of the corridor and she sent them back to their receptive posts. Ontari was correct that not everyone would be happy about her return to the capitol and Anya would speak with Lexa about increasing protection for the Ice Nation nightblood. Even though she was sure Ontari did not harbour any particular feelings towards herself and the commander, she could not feel anything but a deep sense of gratitude for the nightblood now. Ontari had defended both of them and their care for Marie during the girls' conversation and it was obvious that the nightblood truly wished to help Marie. She had not wanted to believe that a true friendship had grown between both girls, but Anya could no longer deny the honesty and deepness of the bond the nightblood obviously had with their charge.

Marie seemed to be completely lost in her own thoughts and she did not react to the sounds of loud footsteps from the corridor at first. When she finally caught up with them, a worried frown settled on her young features.

"Only the guard shift" Ontari quickly reassured the younger girl, the lie coming easily. Even though Marie had not noticed that absence of footsteps retreating from before the room, Ontari had noticed. The nightblood had concluded quickly that someone must have stood in front of the door the whole time and someone with enough power to send away the guards, she only noticed now that the door had not been closed completely by Marie as she had entered, probably surprised by Ontari defending herself. But Ontari knew that only the commander and the general would have simply waited in front of the door. She quickly banned a surge of irritation from her mind at the thought of being spied on, it was better if one of them had already heard everything which Marie had just told her. It also told her that whoever of the two had stood in front of the door was satisfied to leave Marie with her for the rest of the night and a quick glance to the small window told her that there were only very few hours of the nights left before she would be woken again to join the rest of the conclave for their training.

"You should sleep" Ontari directed gently. It was obvious that the conversation had exhausted Marie emotionally and although the younger girl still had that haunted look in her eyes, Ontari did not know on what to do to make it vanish again and she hoped that sleep would at least offer Marie a chance to think everything they had just spoken about through.

"Should I not return…?" Marie asked reluctance clear in her tone.

Ontari shook her head "Just lie down" she ordered softly and sank down again on the mattress, lying on her back.

Marie seemed to hesitate for the fraction of a second, before she complied with the order and cautiously lied down beside the older girl. Her movements were slow and cautious and her grey eyes hefted onto Ontari's features, as she inched closer to the older girl, obviously afraid of being denied the physical comfort she seemed to seek.

Ontari only tightened her arms around Marie once it seemed as if the girl had found a comfortable position. It was not particularly comfortable to her, the younger girl's elbow was digging into her side and her sharp chin was pressed against her collarbone, but she had no intention of asking her to move. She could feel the tenseness of the younger girl's body pressed against her own and Ontari let her free hand soothingly run through Marie's blonde hair, until her body got softer again and seemed to almost melt against her side. It was a weird sensation for Ontari to lie like this with Marie, they had shared a bed many times before in the queen's fortress, but something had changed in the younger girl obviously and while she had held the girl back then, efficiently spooning her, the girl was now curled into her side. She felt it when the girl's breathing evened out and Marie drifted off to sleep.

Ontari tightened her arms around her smaller body slightly, vowing to herself to protect the younger girl from further harm and deeply regretting that she had not been able to protect her from Nia.

Clarke had stayed awake for a rather long time, waiting for Lexa to return to her quarters, but the commander did not return. Clarke had not noticed drifting off at all, but when she woke, the other side of the huge bed was still cold and empty and silence rang through the commander's chambers. Lexa had obviously not returned at all, Risha, who had accompanied the brunette, was still absent as well. With a frown Clarke rose from the bed, as worry settled within her mind. Had something happened?

She slung a robe around her body, warding of the chilliness of the room and went over to the doors, opening them. Only one guard stood in front of them and she recognized Ryder and realized Gustus' absence. "Where is the commander?" the blonde asked with worry underlining her tone.

"Still in the throne room" Ryder answered immediately.

Clarke frowned "Is the meeting still ongoing?" she asked in apparent confusion. It was dark outside, signalling that it was still in the middle of the night.

"There was no meeting, Wanheda" Ryder answered truthfully.

Clarke suppressed the flinch the title still evoked from her body and she nodded her silent acknowledgment. She sighed under her breath, so the supposed meeting had truly only been an excuse. Clarke felt a sliver of hurt flash through her mind. She had argued back and forth with Lexa already that she wished to share her burdens with the young leader. But it was hard for the brunette to truly open up to Clarke.

Clarke left the commander's quarters still clad in the robe and barefoot, but she barely felt the coldness of the stones against her feet. She could only imagine Lexa's state if the commander had chosen to stay awake, probably broodingly sitting her throne the whole night.

Like she had predicted Gustus stood post in front of the throne room and although the burly guard had been ordered not to let anyone disturb his commander, he knew that Wanheda would not be denied entrance into the room and internally he was glad that the blonde Skykru woman would support Lexa like that.

Lexa truly sat on her throne when Clarke entered and although the brunette had discarded her heavy armour, her shoulders were bent and her expression downtrodden as if she was weighted down by all the burdens of the world.

The commander's green eyes were exhausted and dark circles had started to form beneath her eyes, giving her an almost sickly complexion. Risha sat at the commander's feet and the wolf's muzzle rested in Lexa's lap and the commander's fingers stroked over her silky fur absently minded.

"Lexa" Clarke addressed the young leader softly and their eyes connected quickly.

Lexa straightened herself visibly and her back cracked loudly as it realigned again, having sat hunched over without moving at all for a few hours, lost in her own thoughts.

The commander noted on the worry within the blue eyes of her lover "I apologize if I made you worry" she reassured in a heavy tone.

Clarke quickly shook her head "You do not need to lie to me if you want distance, Lexa" she commented, not quiet hiding a slight accusation from her tone.

Lexa inclined her head and she closed her eyes shortly "I apologize again…" the leader said with a heavy sigh.

Clarke shook her head again, sighing herself "It is alright. I know it is hard for you to share all your thoughts with me. You are not used to sharing yourself like that…" She knew that Lexa simply needed more time to adapt to her changed living conditions and it did not help that it had been instilled into Lexa for years that feelings were weakness and nothing to be vocalized like that.

Lexa's green eyes showed the gratitude for the blonde woman, she was unable to truly put into words. She had needed to be on her own to sort through her thoughts. She doubted that Marie would truly be a danger to her, the girl had not seemed to look for a way to physically attack her. But she had to agree with Titus that their changed relationship put the girl's position as her second into question.

"The dinner was not as disastrous as it could have been" Clarke tried lamely to reason with the brunette, picking up on her thoughts.

Lexa raised a brow inquiringly "How could it have gone any worse" she asked and the bitterness was apparent in her tone, even to her own ears. Marie had left an emptiness in herself that could not be filled by Clarke and she feared Marie herself would not be able to return to her old self as well.

Clarke's lips thinned disparagingly "Marie did not try to attack you physically" she retorted.

"She would have been foolish to try" Lexa remarked "She must have known that there was no chance of her succeeding faced with me and Anya together".

Clarke sighed under her breath "Lexa, she will remember you…" she tried to reassured the brunette woman and the way her green eyes looked at her, so clearly disagreeing with her tugged at her heart painfully. She knew that Lexa felt as if she had lost the girl, she regarded as a daughter, a second time. "…even if she does not. You have gained her trust once, Lexa, why should you not connect with her again? A part of Marie must remember that she loves you" Clarke tried to reason with the young leader compassionately.

Lexa shook her head slightly. She had contemplated that possibility for hours and the conclusion she had come up with felt like it was tearing herself up from the inside out. What if it was better for Marie to not remember their connection? She knew how deeply the guilt had edged itself into her former mentor for the fact that she had left Marie behind in the first place and although Lexa had not giving voice to her own guilt, she could not shake the question from her mind, if Nia would have even tortured Marie like that if the Ice queen had not been aware of the feelings Lexa had for the young girl? A part of her was convinced that Nia would have only killed the girl if her love for the girl had not been in the picture and Lexa was sure that death would have been a kinder fate for their charge.

She was putting Clarke in the same position she had once put Costia in and she unconsciously had subjected Marie to the same danger. All of them had been linked to the commander through private feelings and Titus' words of "love was weakness" rang through her mind again. Costia had paid with her life and Marie had paid the price as well. Lexa wished, she could go back in time and shield the young girl from all that she had suffered through, but as powerful as she was, she was unable to do so. Lexa had accepted that Clarke was an adult and a force on her own, she could not discourage the blonde healer in her intent to stay by her side. But Marie was a child still and no one had ever asked her, if she was willing to take the extra risk of being associated to her like that. Lexa had thought, she would offer more protection by announcing her as her second, but the opposite had happened and Lexa felt her own amount of guilt at what her choices had meant for the sweet child.

Lexa knew it would be a harsh blow if she were to send Marie away, because Anya would not wish to leave the girl ever again. The commander had sat on her throne for hours contemplating exactly that choice and she feared she was not strong enough to carry through with it. She could argue with Anya that bringing Marie back to the Ark would probably be the best for her to regain her memories, but she would also remove her from the environment where Abby had reasoned that the memories to herself where linked within the girl's minds; she could only hope the general would not catch up on that fact.

"I will send Anya and Marie to Arkadia with your mother" Lexa announced, her shoulders visibly sagged again and she felt as if a band wrapped itself around her heart, constricting it harshly.

"What?!" Clarke asked, disbelieve etched into her features and worry tinting her voice strongly.

"It is better this way, Clarke" Lexa explained voice tired and heavy.

Clarke shook her head, disagreement clear in her blue eyes "You don't wish for them to return, do you?"

Lexa's green eyes shone with a sheen of tears as she nodded her head in agreement "I have put her in harm's way enough already…"

"Oh, Lexa…" Clarke sighed under breath and stepped forward, enveloping the brunette in her arms. She felt the commander's body sagging against her own and Lexa's forehead rested against her shoulder, as if all strength had left the young leader's body. "Think about it again after you have slept some, Lexa" Clarke tried to reason with her lover and gently caressed her neck through her mass of brown locks.

"I have already made my decision…" Lexa retorted, voice sounding utterly defeated and Clarke only tightened her arms around the other woman, she would try to argue with the commander in the morning; right now, she only needed rest.

Chapter 165

Clarke had waited until they had returned to the privacy of the commander's quarters, before she spoke again. She had changed her mind about letting Lexa simply sleep over the decision, she knew how stubborn and self-sacrificing the young leader was and she feared her mind would-be set-in stone if she waited until morning to try to change her mind. Clarke could understand why Lexa would choose to send both her former mentor and Marie from her side. What could the commander hope to achieve that way?

"Lexa, you are making an error if you sent them away" Clarke directly addressed the matter at hand and could see the brunette's features harden, as she pulled forth the mask of the commander. She quickly stepped closer to her, taking her hands into her own, caressing the calloused fingers gently and she shook her head vehemently "Don't do that, Lexa. You are not going to make this decision as the commander".

"You still have not understood that I am always the commander" Lexa remarked voice strong and green eyes unyielding.

Clarke's lips thinned "No, I am acutely aware of that" she shot back, her own blue eyes narrowed "But this is not a decision you should make as the commander. Lexa, you regard Marie as a daughter…" she started to try to reason with the young leader.

"Something I should clearly not have" Lexa interjected as strongly.

Clarke shook her head again, feeling her patience wan out quickly "For god's sake, Lexa! Even you cannot control your heart like that. Marie is not dead, Lexa, and sending her away would be one of your biggest mistakes".

Lexa met Clarke's blue eyes calmly, even as a storm seemed to rage through the healer's gaze. Clarke was, without knowing it, giving voice to what Lexa already knew and had tried hard to ban from her mind.

"Fight for her, my warrior, don't act out of fear" Clarke tried to hearten the young leader. She did not know if it had been the way she addressed Lexa or her hint at fear, which truly changed the commander's mind, but she could almost see it, how the light in her green eyes changed.

"Your warrior?" Lexa echoed, her lips turned upwards in the hint of a smile, her tone had gotten lighter again and the band which had been fastened around her heart, seemed to loosen itself again, making her feel lighter and stronger again.

Clarke smirked with a slight blush on her cheeks "Are you not a warrior, commander?" she asked teasingly, feeling that the leader's mood had efficiently been lifted.

"The greatest of them all" Lexa agreed without any hint of arrogance. Her smile dimed slightly as she added "Do not mention what we have spoken about to Anya, please". The commander knew that her general would probably take personal offence, if she learned that she had contemplated sending her away from her private counsel again after making her the head of her army. She suddenly felt foolish for contemplating such a decision at all. She needed all the support of those she knew to be loyal to her until the very end with a war on the horizon.

Clarke nodded, as she leaned closer and placed a gentle kiss on the corners of the young leader's mouth, shooing thoughts of war from her mind efficiently. She pulled gently at Lexa's hand, directing her over to the bed and sinking down in front of her. Lexa fell asleep with Clarke's warm arms enveloping her and a feeling of hope blooming in her chest, hope that everything would turn right again.

Anya had not found much rest during the remaining hours of the night. Her thoughts had kept circling back around themselves in her mind, keeping herself from falling back asleep.

Maybe they had gone the wrong way about trying to help Marie? She would need to speak with Abby first thing in the morning and afterwards with Lexa, before her former second would be occupied with meetings for the remainder of the day.

Anya rose from her bed, long before the sun had truly risen and it was still mostly dark outside. Her body felt exhausted, but her mind was still far too turmoiled to even contemplate sleeping. She hoped that the Skykru doctor would not be too upset to be approached at such an hour, but she simply did not wish to wait any longer. Abby had said that she would try to speak to Marie again this morning, but if the girl did not wish to enclose anything to her, like she feared, she would leave again to get back to Arkadia.

Abby looked rather dishevelled, when Anya knocked at the door to the quarters which been assigned to the doctor. "Is something wrong with Marie?" Abby immediately asked, as she pulled her hair together into a ponytail.

"No" Anya answered "She has spent the night with Ontari. She opened up a lot to her" the general confessed.

Abby nodded with a frown on her face, unsure of why the other woman was telling her that.

"Marie does not trust us neither me, nor Lexa. But she trusts Ontari" Anya remarked, waiting if the doctor would come to the same conclusion she had during the night.

Abby thought for a moment, before she nodded "Both of you do not trust Ontari, do you?" she asked inquiringly.

Anya shook her head "She is Ice Nation. But her intentions with Marie are pure" she insisted, she could not deny that fact any longer.

"Then it might help if you both show Marie that you do trust Ontari" Abby surmised what Anya had already assumed. "Do you think she will be more open to talk with me today?" the doctor asked after a short pause.

"I doubt it" Anya answered "She is afraid to trust me and Lexa, although she knows of our feelings for her. She would not trust you like that, you have no connection to her".

Abby did not deny the general's words. Although she did internally disagree with the other woman, she in fact had a much older connection with Marie than they had, but she never shared such a deep personal bond with the girl, so it would be more probable for Marie to find trust into them. She would still try again, even though she had very little hope of getting anything out of the girl now.

Before coming to Polis Abby had highly doubted that the general or the commander would heed anything she would advise them on and she was positively surprised to realize that her opinion was treasured by them.

Anya nodded, inclining her head mutely and swept from the room as quickly, as she had come, leaving Abby slightly confused.

The general knew that the commander would already be out of bed and she hoped to surpass her before the younger woman left for an early morning training. She had sent a guard to Titus to relay to the man not to collect Ontari for her daily training and wait for further instructions, the man would surely be furious to receive orders like that from her. But Anya did not care about that for a moment, hopefully, Ontari and Marie would catch slightly more rest that way.

On her way to the commander's quarters Anya shortly ran into Alira, so the handmaid had probably already catered to the commander and the general quickened her pace slightly.

Fortunately, Gustus and Ryder both still stood in front of the doors to the commander's quarters, signalling the leader's presence. Anya nodded to both before letting herself inside.

Lexa seemed to be in the process of finishing her breakfast when Anya entered and the commander looked genuinely surprised to see her. Worry tinted her voice clearly as she asked "Has something happened with Marie?"

"Not directly" Anya reassured her former second and sat down opposite of Lexa.

Clarke came out of the bathroom in that moment, fastening a cloak around herself. She paused shortly when she noticed the general's presence "Good morning, Anya" she greeted the woman. "I am afraid I cannot stay. A patient is waiting for me" the healer explained and nodded to Anya, before she bent down and kissed Lexa gently in farewell, giving her an encouraging smile, before she left the commander's quarters altogether.

"Where is Marie then?" Lexa asked slightly confused. She had not expected to see her general until later in the day, when a meeting was scheduled.

"With Ontari" Anya answered immediately "She stayed the night with her".

Lexa raised a brow questioningly at the older woman.

"Marie must have woken from a nightmare last night and she had obviously not wanted to wake me up" Anya started to narrate and she slowly filled Lexa into what she had listened in while she stood in front of the nightblood's doors.

Lexa's features flashed with varying degrees of worry and compassion for their young charge. She felt her heart ache in sympathy for the girl and knew that they would both do everything in their power to help her get better.

"What do you suggest then?" Lexa asked after her general had finished speaking. It was obvious the older woman was as shocked by some of their charge's admissions as she felt, although Anya already had hours to contemplate over them.

"Marie needs to gain new trust into us" Anya finished and before Lexa could interject something, she added "We cannot wait for her to regain her memories. It is possible, that she never will."

Lexa nodded with a thoughtful expression, as a sigh left her lips. Abby had already told them that fact the prior day.

"While Marie does not trust us, she does trust Ontari" Anya said after a moment of silence between them.

Lexa's brows knitted together in confusion, not seeing how that was supposed to help them get closer to Marie again.

"Even though we have not forbidden Marie from seeking out Ontari, it must have been obvious to her that we are not pleased with the fact, that she actually does" Anya remarked.

Lexa sighed under her breath "So, you propose that we need to show Marie that we trust Ontari?" she checked, doubt lacing her tone. Although she did trust the Ice Nation nightblood to a certain degree, she did not regard the idea of getting closer to her personally, as such a good one.

"Exactly" Anya agreed "Ontari knows that members of other clans will not be pleased to see her continue as a novitiate under you. She has already gotten hold of a dagger, prepared to protect herself."

"You want me to protect her more strongly?" Lexa inquired. She hoped that no one would be foolish enough to undermine her by attacking the Ice Nation nightblood, but it was not out of the scope of possibility altogether as well.

"I want to take over her training for now, together with Marie's" Anya explained and Lexa's frown made her add quickly "I know that I am no flamekeeper, but having both girls spend their days with each other can only help. Marie is much more relaxed around Ontari. Abby thinks that letting them share a sleeping place would be advantageous as well. But I do not want Marie removed from me completely…"

Lexa raised a brow at the older woman "You do realize, that the only option to reach both at the same time, would be sharing your quarters with Ontari as well? Which would already increase her security a lot".

Anya sighed and the clench of her jaw as she nodded made it apparent that the general had thought a lot about what she was proposing to her.

Lexa nodded, a slight frown still resting on her features "It will surely help to put the girl at ease again in your presence…" as her voice trailed off, Anya could clearly detect some bitterness.

"Both of them should spend a little time with you on a daily basis, removed from your responsibilities as the commander" Anya added last. She had briefly discussed that with Abby as well. The doctor had been clear that she doubted Marie would ever find trust into Lexa, if she did not find a connection to her removed from her political role, Marie needed to get to know the woman behind the mask of the commander again, now that Nia had efficiently poisoned the girl's mind against the commander.

Lexa sighed audibly, but she nodded "I will try to accommodate to that" she promised gravely. She did wish to re-connect with Marie after all.

Ontari woke with a slight start, feeling Marie's smaller body still cuddled against her side. She seemed to have lost all sensation of the limp on which Marie's weight still rested and she frowned, when she noticed the light already filtering through the window from outside. The sun must have risen some time ago already, so, she wondered why no one had called her to attend the morning training. She internally wondered if Marie's presence and the general could be the reason for that.

Ontari gently tried to rouse Marie, although the girl still looked peaceful in her slumber. She doubted that the general would let them sleep and laze the day away.

Marie's expression as she slowly grumbled awake, looked so innocent and cute, that it pulled a chuckle from between Ontari's lips.

"It is time to rise, sleepyhead" Ontari teased lightly, once Marie sat up, and she massaged the now freed arm, trying to regain the feeling in the limp.

Marie light-heartedly glared at the older girl, but stretched herself. A shy smile rested on her lips, she had slept better last night than she could remember ever sleeping since losing her memories. "Oh, shut up" she sassed right back, lightly shoving the older girl.

Ontari laughed at the girl's feeble attempt and simply got out of the bed altogether.

Marie frowned slightly, when she caught up with how late it already was.

Ontari's smile turned reassuring when she noticed worry flashing through the younger girl's grey eyes "I am sure the general just wanted us to rest longer". She highly doubted that the Trikru woman would have taken her own exhaustion into account though.

"How did you…?" Marie started to ask, her frown deepening in confusion.

Ontari raised a brow and shook her head lightly "You are still far too easy to read sometimes, Marie".

Marie grumbled something, too low for Ontari to understand and got out of bed as well.

"Come" Ontari motioned, after she had splashed some water over her face "I will bring you back to the general".

Marie nodded and Ontari could see the girl's slight smile freezing completely and grey eyes got worried and even slightly scared.

Ontari lightly squeezed the younger girl's shoulders "The general will not be angry at you" she reasoned calmly.

Marie nodded after another deep breath, but Ontari kept a hand on the girl's back, guiding her outside and towards the elevator. The guards did not intercept them, but they accompanied them into the elevator. Marie leaned back slightly against the older girl's hand. She did not know herself, why she felt so nervous to return to Anya, the woman had not given her any reason to be afraid of her. But a small voice in her mind supplied a critical "yet" to that thought.

Ontari frowned slightly when the guard did not accompany them out of the elevator again, but she did not know what their orders had been and other guards were constantly posted on the top floor of the tower, keeping the commander's save, even if she was absent.

Marie faltered noticeably in front of the door to the general's quarters and only Ontari's hand remaining against her back, pushed her to reach for the door and really open it. The girl stopped in her step, when she spotted Anya.

The general was sitting at the table, which was filled with breakfast and the table had been set for three people.

She frowned when she noticed how crowded the quarters suddenly felt and it took her a moment until she figured out the reason. All the furniture had been moved, so that a third bed had found place inside of the room. Marie internally wondered for who it was supposed to be.

Ontari subtly squeezed the younger girl's shoulder and inclined her head respectfully to the Trikru general as a farewell, but the woman stopped her with a gesture.

"Stay" Anya ordered calmly and motioned both girls over to the table "Help yourselves" she added when both sat down on their chairs, stiff and obviously confused with what was going on.

Marie only started to take something for herself, after Ontari had filled a plate for herself. Although the nightblood felt visibly uncomfortable, she had pulled on a neutral expression, probably more for Marie's benefit.

When Ontari truly looked at the general, an understanding seemed to pass through her brown eyes and Ontari knew that she had been the one, who had stood in front of her door for hours last night, as she had comforted Marie.

"I know that you are more comfortable with Ontari, Marie" Anya finally addressed her young charge, which instantly made Marie freeze up and look at the general like a startled deer.

Anya sighed under her breath "It will take some getting used to, but you will both be trained by me from now and share my quarters".

Ontari had to control herself, or she was sure her mouth would have hung open in silent shock. That was probably the least likely outcome of the previous night, she could have foreseen. She had hoped that she would not be punished for letting Marie stay with her, but she had at least expected some kind of lecture and warning to maybe keep a little more distance to the blonde child. She had surely not expected to be now protected by the general herself, because she did realize that the new arrangement would not only benefit Marie, but it would offer her a lot more protection, she would be nearly untouchable.

Marie was obviously confused as well, but the girl could not stop a tentative smile ghosting over her lips. She would truly feel a lot better with Ontari being closer to herself.

"Thank you…" the girl said softly to the general, her grey eyes shining with gratitude and Anya inclined her head with a kind expression.

Chapter 166

Their first breakfast together could probably have gone over smoother, but it was obvious that neither of them knew what to say to each other.

Anya sighed under her breath. She had never been the chattiest person and Marie had previously been the one to continuously chirp about one thing or the other.

It was obvious that Ontari and Marie both were uncomfortable in the new arrangement, but Anya hoped that they would ease into it with a bit of time.

She basically knew nothing about the Ice Nation nightblood beside her name and that she had grown up under Nia's tutelage. She would need to try to get better acquittanced with Ontari quickly.

"Abby will come to talk to you after we finish eating" Anya proclaimed into the strained silence that had settled between them.

Ontari did not react to the statement, as it did not pertain to her, but Marie swallowed forcefully and stopped eating altogether, although the girl had barely eaten more than a few small bites.

Anya sighed again at the strong reaction of her charge and felt her own appetite dwindle down.

She waited a few more moments before the general stood from her place and asked a guard to send for Abby. Anya could hear Ontari whispering a few reassurances to Marie and felt the gratefulness for the nightblood increase slightly at her attempt to support Marie and put the girl on ease.

Marie's expression had closed off completely when Anya returned, so Ontari's attempts had not been successful.

"Ontari, we will go outside in the meantime" the general addressed the nightblood girl in an even and almost kind tone.

Ontari nodded her silent agreement, although she would have preferred to stay and keep Marie company. But she also had no idea on how the Skykru planned to help Marie and maybe she needed to be alone with the younger girl for that purpose. She wondered what the general had planned for her, but she would see in a few moments.

She guessed that the general would lay down some ground rules of how she expected her to behave now that she was essentially her charge as well for the time being. Ontari wondered internally if she would still share lessons with the other novitiates, but she guessed all her questions would be answered sooner or later.

The minutes trickled by slowly and under the watchful gaze of the general, Ontari did not try to engage Marie in conversation to divert the girl's attention. Marie's whole frame had tensed up and it was obvious her nervousness was only mounting with every passing second. She would have liked to reach out and physically reassure and ground the younger girl, but she was not sure how the general would react to something like that, so Ontari simply watched Marie mutely.

When Abby arrived, Ontari smiled reassuringly at Marie and subtly let her hand brush over the younger girl's arms, trying to offer her a kind gesture as a farewell. She followed the general obediently without being prompted to.

Her instincts told her to pull up an arrogant front, showing that she felt herself superior, but the change of arrangements had surprised Ontari. She kept her expression more or less open, but at least neutral and fell into step slightly behind the general.

"Have you ever had a real first?" Anya asked the Ice Nation nightblood, once they had stepped inside of the elevator. She did not know how long Abby had planned on speaking with Marie, but Gustus still stood post on the top floor of the tower and could stay with Marie, should Abby leave before she returned with Ontari.

Ontari raised her brow questioningly, slightly thrown by the off-hand inquiry "Beside the queen?" she checked.

Anya snorted lightly under her breath "Nia hardly counts a first".

"Then, no" Ontari answered curtly, still wondering what the general was aiming at with her question. She followed the woman silently as they stepped out of the tower, she faltered only for the fraction of the second, when the general led them out of Polis, into the surrounding woods. She had minutely feared the general would be leading her to her own execution, but she had shooed the thought from her mind at once again.

"You may think that you already know everything, Ontari" Anya turned around and stopped in the middle of a clearing. She knew the guard schedule and there would be no one listening to their conversation here. It was imperative that Ontari agreed to be trained by her, Lexa and she could easily force her to share the general's quarters, but they could not force her cooperation, not truly at least.

Ontari raised a brow in the mimic of a mocking question. She had learned already that the assessment of her omniscience was more than a little flawed.

"You probably know that I have heard almost your complete conversation with Marie last night" Anya changed the subject abruptly.

Ontari nodded with a cautious expression, she had no idea why the general had changed the subject at all and the whole conversation was starting to creep her out. Had she been led out into the woods to be eliminated after all? Would Marie believe that she had died in an accident so coincidentally?

"I am, and Lexa as well is, deeply grateful for your continued support of Marie" Anya continued after the beat of a second, voice calm and honest. Her brown eyes bored into Ontari's dark ones with an intensity that made the nightblood almost squirm under its weight.

Ontari was slightly surprised to hear such words of gratitude from the general, she had truly not expected to be acknowledged at all.

"You have willingly risked coming back to Polis, simply to bring Marie back to safety" Anya continued, it was obvious she had thought long on what she wanted to say and Ontari did not wish to interrupt the general's words.

"There is more to you than brute strength obviously" Anya concluded "Although your fighting skills hardly need any training at all, other aspects of your tutelage have been almost completely neglected. You have shown Marie true compassion, although I doubt you have received any before. There is a strong spirit within you, but your spirit lacks guidance. You know that I have been a first to Lexa before."

Ontari nodded to the last statement, her dark eyes openly showed her surprise at the general's words. It almost sounded as if the woman truly wanted to take her as her second as well. She highly doubted she would need something like that at all now anymore. The doubt she felt creeping through her mind, must have shown on her features slightly.

"I am well aware that you are too old to start as a second" Anya agreed "But you could still do with lessons not pertaining fighting skills. If you agree to this, you agree to officially become my second for the time being".

Ontari's features twisted into a frown. How should that be working out?

"You would still share the commander's lessons with the novitiates, but you would spend the rest of your time solely with me, Marie and from time to time Lexa" Anya answered the nightblood's question, easily picking up on her thoughts.

"Why would you offer something like that?" Ontari wondered out loud. No one had ever offered her any kind of assistance without wanting something in exchange. The world simply did not work that way. "Helping Marie would be my end of the arrangement?" she added after a second, not giving the general the chance to give an answer to her previous question.

Anya shook her head "This does not have anything to do with Marie. You have already started to help Marie, there is nothing in particular I would ask you to do for her. Simply being there seems to put her more at ease. I may not understand the bond you both share, but I cannot deny its existence".

"Why then?" Ontari questioned again. She did not quiet believe that the Trikru general would offer her any kind of help like that and she still did not know why she would need tutelage at all. It would hardly matter if she had perfect reading skills.

"You will figure that out eventually" Anya answered ominously.

Ontari's frown deepened and her brows knitted together, she felt irritation settle in her mind. What was the general playing at.

"It will be one of your first lessons" Anya added after a moment of silence.

"What will?" Ontari inquired on edge in a clipped tone, looking away shortly and grinding her teeth together in silent anger.

And suddenly Anya was gone.

Ontari blinked at the spot where the general had just stood. She had not looked away for more than a few seconds and there was no sign of the woman any longer.

Ontari opened her mouth to call out to the general, when she realized that she had no idea on how to address the woman from now on and she closed it with a snap.

What kind of lesson was this supposed to be, Ontari mused angrily in her mind. A sullen frown was etched into her features as she trudged back into the direction of the tower. Fortunately, they had not travelled far into the woods.

Anya watched the nightblood looking around the edges of the clearing for signs of her for a few moments until the girl seemed to give up already and turn around to leave. Patience and endurance would be something she would need to work on with both girls as both of them got impatient and angry way too easy.

The general let herself drop from the tree, she had hidden on, landing on the ground almost soundlessly and only shortly in front of Ontari, obviously startling the girl strongly.

"You lack experience in the woods" Anya remarked drily and preceded the girl without another word, the look of irritation crossing over her face shortly, did not go unnoticed by the general. "You can call me Anya from now on, there is no need to remind me of my title every time you address me" Anya called over shoulder easily.

Ontari followed the general with her mouth hanging slightly open. She had not expected the woman to be like this. She still did not understand, why the general would take her on as a kind of a second. Truthfully, she had wished for a long time to experience the comradery and the bond between a first and a second, but she had buried that wish years ago, knowing it was futile to wish for something impossible like this. The queen had always instilled in her that she did not need anything else beside Nia herself and she had believed her, she knew better now.

"The same rules will apply to both of you from now on" Anya said, although Ontari had not given a clear sign of consent, she had also not spoken a denial, so Anya would take that for now.

Ontari nodded with a cautious expression, the only problem with that statement was, that she was not aware of Marie's rules.

Anya remained rooted to the spot motionless suddenly and Ontari nearly crashed into the woman's back, not having expected her to stop so abruptly.

Annoyance was obvious on the woman's sharp features as she drawled "You should not agree with rules, you do not know. You should ask for me to clarify them" she reprimanded the nightblood sharply.

Her brown eyes were strict as they connected with Ontari's dark ones and the nightblood hastily nodded her agreement.

Anya sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, her annoyance only mounting "I am aware that Nia will probably not have cared for you questioning her on anything, but I am not her. If you do not know or understand something, I expect you to ask. You do not learn without asking for answers".

Ontari seemed to contemplate her words, before she nodded again, she seemed to catch on to her automatic response of agreeing and stopped the motion of her head, a faint blush rising to her cheeks and her voice was softer as Anya had ever heard as she mumbled an almost inaudible apology.

"Remember that, Ontari" Anya emphasized "I know it will be a change for you. You will see what being my second means in the next weeks".

Ontari nodded again and her voice was slightly hesitant as she asked "To what rules have I agreed?"

Anya smirked slightly "You have not agreed to anything yet, but you have not denied either. Think about it for a few days. I expect you to have made up your mind in a moons time. The basic rules you need to know now, are fairly easy to follow. Marie and you are both allowed to move through the tower and the streets of Polis in your free time, but I want to know where you are going. No wandering around without alerting anyone beforehand."

Ontari nodded, that was a sensible enough rule and she understood the safety measure behind it. It had apparently taken the general a few hours to catch up with the fact that Marie had been abducted from her out of Polis all those weeks ago. Ontari suddenly wondered just how much her life had changed, since she had literally stumbled onto Marie. She could have never predicted the outcome of the proceedings since then and she was positive, she would not change them if she could go back into time.

"Your schedule will be organized by me and Lexa. I want you and Marie to spend some time with the commander daily" Anya continued.

Ontari blinked at the general completely floored, why would she be included in something like that? She understood the reasoning as to why Marie needed to spend time with the commander in private, but her inclusion in that surprised her beyond words.

Anya's brown eyes seemed to become gentler slightly "Nia has not just poisoned Marie's mind against Lexa, but yours as well. You have already seen that the commander is not the kind of leader, Nia has portrayed her to be. But you do not know her in private, you do not know the person Lexa is. The same as we do barely know anything about you, beside your excellent fighting skills".

Ontari contemplated the woman's words for long silent moments. Beside Marie she could not remember a single other person, who had ever shown any interest in her personality before and she could not help feeling slightly suspicious of the general's ulterior motives. It felt too easy and too good to be true. She would have agreed to whatever proposal the general might have made, simply to have the possibility to be near Marie. Marie had truly been the only one to ever offer her any kind of real kindness and she would not let the girl down now that she needed her. She would take the time, the general had offered her, she somehow doubted, that her choice would make any difference, but she would see in a moon's time.

She could not deny a certain truth to the general's words. She had heard the same lies about the commander and about Trikru for years, but she had seen over the last months that most had been unfounded. Ontari did not know, if she truly needed to get to know the commander on a personal level and she somehow doubted that the woman would be pleased with that arrangement at all. She quitted her doubt down quickly, the general would not proclaim something like that, without discussing it with her former second beforehand.

"I don't know what to say" Ontari finally admitted after long moments of walking through the forest side by side in silence.

"That is alright" Anya reassured quickly "I do not wish you or Marie to carry weapons in my quarters. We will share meals together and the rest will probably just develop with time. You both will need to accompany me to a few meetings and trainings with my unit. You are going to share your lessons with Marie, so they may not all primarily target you or vice versa, even through your age difference, you can still learn together".

Ontari nodded thoughtfully. The concept sounded logical to her and she did not mind it in the slightest that she would be seeing less of the other novitiates and probably barely have any contact with the flamekeeper any longer. Being so close to the general would surely get some time to used to it, but it sounded as if the woman was fair. She knew from Marie that the general did not resort to physical punishments for anything, so not having to fear that was a huge advantage. Ontari was not used to share her sleeping quarters with anyone beside Marie, the queen had never required her to sleep within her quarters, she had always been isolated and had her own room.

She wondered what would happen once the war between the rest of the coalition and Azgeda broke out. Would she be expected to fight her own clan? Ontari was positive she would aid in a direct fight against the queen, but what about the rest of Azgeda? She guessed she would receive answers to those questions as well with time.

Her thoughts kept on returning to Marie and she wondered how her meeting with the Skykru doctor had gone. She highly doubted that the younger girl would have confided anything to the woman. But she had no idea how the girl might react if she was forced to talk.

Another warning again: This chapter heavily deals with the rape aspect again, so it is quite heavy.

Chapter 167

Marie watched Ontari and Anya leave with a frown. She would have like it way better if they had stayed. She did not wish to speak with Abby. She had not liked the doctor the previous day and her insides already clenched uncomfortably in anticipation.

The doctor's smile seemed kind and honest, when the woman entered and closed the door softly behind herself, sitting down on the chair Anya had just occupied.

"Good morning, Marie" Abby greeted the child calmly and kept her expression open.

Marie only inclined her head in greeting, keeping her lips sealed together tightly, there was nothing she wished to say.

"I heard you had quite the rough night" Abby tried to open conversation with the girl.

Marie nodded, although reluctance was obvious on her features.

Abby sighed under her breath "Is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No" Marie immediately denied, shaking her head vehemently.

"Alright" Abby nodded "Maybe something comes to your mind later" she suggested and pulled a book from her bag, opening it and starting to read. She hoped that Marie would just open up at least a little bit with time and faced with only her as company.

Marie narrowed her eyes at the woman. She had hoped that the doctor would simply leave again immediately, if she stayed resolutely silent and it irked her that the woman seemed inclined to stay waiting.

As silence settled in the quarters again, Marie's thoughts began to run wild against her will. She remembered how Abby had classified what the queen had made her do as "rape", but she still struggled with the concept. Ontari had advised her to ask someone else for their opinion.

Marie lost all comprehension of time, the only indication that time flowed at all, was the sound of Abby turning a pace occasionally every now and then. It could have been only a few minutes which had passed but it could have been several hours as well.

When the silence seemed to start to drown her and her thoughts kept on screaming louder and louder, Marie spoke up again. She tried to keep her voice as steadfast as possible, but it sounded quivering even to her own eyes. "You said … that the queen … r… raped me…" her voice gave out and her grey eyes were huge in her pale face.

Abby looked at the girl with a gentle and understanding expression and encouragingly said "Yes, she forced you to pleasure her against your consent and that is classified as rape".

Marie shook her head in denial "She did not!" there was a screech to her tone and her lips pressed into a harsh line.

"Marie…" Abby leaned slightly over and placed a hand over Marie's smaller ones.

The girl flinched away from her touch violently, nearly falling over with the chair altogether, still shaking her head. "Don't!" Marie denied the woman to be touched and her voice was hard as she reasoned "I did consent or I did not disagree openly…"

The girl's voice sounded hollow and haunted, although her features looked hard as if carved from stone.

Abby shook her head in disagreement and her voice was grave as she said "Marie, you are a child. You could not have given your consent to sexual interactions. When an adult coerces a child into a physical relationship, it is always regarded as rape, Marie. A child cannot make such a decision."

Marie nodded although the confusion and inability to grasp the concept was palpable on her features.

"On which point do you disagree?" Abby asked kindly, keeping her voice even and gentle.

Marie frowned before she said "But I did not fight back…"

Abby shook her head again and retorted with vigour "What the queen has made you do, was by no means your choice, Marie. That you did not physically fight back, does not mean that you wanted to participate, your survival instinct protected you, you were forced."

"Why …." Marie started to ask, voice breaking too quickly for the question to form.

It was still obvious to Abby what the girl wished to know and she knew it was typical of a victim of abuse to wonder why they had been abused in the first place. The mind of a victim would try to come up with reasons, placing blame with the victim. It was important to make the girl understand that she could not have done anything to prompt what had happened to her. The problem was, that there simply was no logical reasoning for the Ice queen had done to Marie. There was nothing she could say to reduce the horrors Marie had lived through in any way.

Abby etched slightly closer to Marie with her chair and took the child's hands again, giving them a squeeze.

Marie's grey eyes were wide and huge in her pale face, haunted in their expression and her fingers shook strongly.

"Marie, as hard as it sounds, but there is no logical explanation to what you have suffered" Abby addressed the girl's obvious question.

"I have not fought back…" Marie repeated in an almost defeated tone and the girl looked awfully small, shaking like a leaf, she seemed to curl in on herself on the chair.

"Marie" Abby shook her head. She did not know what might be able to change the girl's mind, but she had to try nevertheless. "What makes you think that you consented in any way?" the doctor asked, voice compassionate and eyes understanding. She did not know, how long Marie would be this open with her, but she needed to use the little time the girl's breakdown offered.

Marie shrugged her shoulders with a helpless expression and tried to pry her fingers out of the doctor's hands, but the older woman held on strongly.

"Marie, you did not initiate this…" Abby tried to reason with the girl and was surprised when the girl suddenly ripped her hands away and her grey eyes seemed to blaze with flaming anger.

"But I did!" the girl almost shrieked, voice shrill and clearly agitated.

"What do you mean?" Abby cautiously asked, keeping her voice as calm as possible, even though she felt alarmed by the child's outburst.

Marie's anger seemed to ebb away as quickly as it had erupted and only emptiness seemed to be left within her grey eyes. "You want to know, you truly want to know?!" the girl screamed, voice high with agitation and full of scarcely suppressed emotions.

It seemed the child was not truly waiting for an answer and Abby would forever remember the strange mixture of seeming calmness and being in such a flustered state. The way Marie spoke in total sedateness and yet how haunted her gaze was. The child's words made her stomach coil and bile rise in her throat.

"The queen instructed me on what to do …" a shudder visibly ran through the girl's body as the memory played at the forefront of her mind "… I did not like to do it … it felt wrong and it made me feel sick … but the queen said … she … she said that I did it right …" tears had begun to fall from her grey eyes and although Abby kept looking at the girl, it was obvious Marie was not seeing her anymore, she seemed lost in her own memories.

The door to the general's quarters was suddenly opened and Abby whipped around, a snarl on the doctor's lips. She kept her biting comment sealed behind her lips, as Anya and Ontari stepped inside and Marie's quivering voice broke the silence again. It seemed the younger girl had not even realized the arrival of the other two.

"…she expected me to do it from then on … if I didn't, she would touch me first …" Marie's voice had a wooden quality to it.

Anya stopped in her tracks, struck by her charge's words like lightening and she had to ball her hands to fists at her side. It worried her that Marie had not shown any outward reaction to their return and she had not expected that her charge would speak to Abby at all, she wondered how the doctor had managed to get her to talk. She was not convinced that speaking about what she had suffered through would truly be helpful to Marie.

"…it hurt so bad…" Marie sobbed out after a beat of silence and if possible, the girl seemed to get even smaller.

Abby let out an alarmed gasp. She still had not made a physical examination of the child, but if the girl's words eluded to what she feared they did, she would need to take a closer look at the girl. Marie did not seem aware of her surroundings anymore and the anger radiating off of the general was worrying her. Abby motioned the general over into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind them.

"What?" Anya asked curtly, voice clipped and her brown eyes hard, her features pulled tight with her anger. The general was torn between wanting to return to Marie and engulf the girl in a strong hug and marching her unit to Nia's hideout and skinning that monster herself.

"I can understand your anger, Anya" Abby started, not yielding to the warrior's display of fury. She needed to think of Marie first and foremost, but she feared that the girl would not let herself be examined willingly like that. "I fear that I need to examine Marie" the doctor proclaimed, voice strained.

Anya's eyebrows rose in obvious confusion "Clarke had already looked at her and said there was nothing which needed to be treated, beside the extensive scarring".

Abby nodded "Yes, she did. But she would not have looked for internal damage. If there was any kind of penetration involved it is necessary to exclude such, or Marie could have complications later" her voice was heavy as she gave her explanation.

Anya paled at the Skykru's doctor's words and her blood seemed to freeze in her veins, as sour bile rose in her throat.

"It is probably better if Marie is sedated for that" Abby continued. She did not see any possibility to go trough with such a physical examination and not upset the traumatized girl even more if she was conscious.

A frown appeared on the general's features. She did not like the idea of putting Marie into an unnatural sleep, so that the other woman could examine her. Was that not a kind of violation of the girl as well?

"It would diminish the stress for Marie" Abby reasoned, sensing the other woman's hesitation "Examining her is truly necessary".

Anya nodded with a sigh. "Why did she speak about it now so suddenly?" she asked the other woman before she could open the door again.

Abby shook her head "I told you that predicting the way Marie will work through the trauma she suffered is not possible. Just because she is speaking about it now, does not mean that is feeling better by any means, or that she will continue to speak about it at a later point".

The general nodded again and her sharp features had lost their anger, her voice was barely beyond a whisper and she did not look into Abby's eyes as she asked "How are we supposed to help her with this? I do not know what to say to her…"

Abby's tight smile faltered slightly, she did not wish to overstep, but she stepped closer to the general and squeezed her shoulder for a moment in a reassuring gesture. "There is nothing we can say to Marie, which will truly make anything better for her. The girl needs to feel that she is safe again and protected. She needs to know that she does not have to fear a repetition of her treatment ever again. Marie needs to accept that she has been used against her will and that is was by no means her fault. But those things will sink in with time. It will not be easy to support her through this…" the doctor sighed under her breath as her words trailed off.

Abby's eyes softened slightly at the obvious feelings of helplessness and she could understand how hard it was for the general to admit them to her of all people. The fact that the fierce woman was able to overlook her own pride and ask her for help signalled to Abby just how deeply Anya truly cared for Marie.

Anya nodded and the little signs of weakness and helplessness vanished from her posture as the general pulled herself back together. The general opened the door to the main room and stepped back, before Abby could say another word and the doctor followed her silently.

Surprisingly, it was Ontari who had already sprang into action during their short absence and the girl kneeled down in front of Marie. The younger girl was shaking almost uncontrollably now.

"Marie" the Ice Nation nightblood addressed the blonde girl in a soft and gentle tone. She pushed her own worries and confusion about what the changes with the Trikru general would mean to her, to the back of her mind, focusing her attention solely on the younger girl.

It seemed to take Marie long moments until she blinked a few times and a little focus returned to her grey eyes, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

Marie surprised both Anya and Abby by letting herself lean down against Ontari's chest. Ontari gently enveloped the younger girl into her strong arms, stroking over her soft blonde hair and whispering nonsense words into her ears.

Anya watched with narrowed eyes how the Skykru doctor roamed through her back, pulling out a syringe and filling it with a clear liquid, what she guessed to be the sedative. She still did not feel comfortable with the thought of sedating her charge in the first place. She watched conflictedly how the doctor bent over Marie and simply quickly injected her with the sedative without any kind of forewarning.

Marie's grey eyes snapped to the doctor in alarm when the slight stinging sensation of the application registered in her mind and her own confusion at what had just happened was mirrored within Ontari's dark eyes.

"What was that?" Marie asked immediately, voice slightly shrill as she gave Ontari a careful push to make the older girl retreat a little from her space. Her grey eyes looked almost accusingly at Abby as she rubbed over the injection side.

Anya crouched down in front of Marie as well, addressing the girl in a soothing tone "You do not need to worry. It is merely a sedative. You will wake up soon". The general tried to keep her own worry out of her tone, but she was not sure she succeeded completely, if Ontari's threatening glare towards Abby was any indication.

Marie seemed to fight against the effects of the sedative, fighting her body trying to drift off and her voice quivered noticeably "I don't wanna sleep …Anya…"

Being addressed by her charge in such a pleading tone and not being able to actually offer her more assistance than being close to her, pulled hard at Anya's conscience.

She caught the girl's body as the sedative took complete effect and Marie slumped forward.

Abby had the decency to look somewhat affected from Ontari's protective antics, but she nonetheless directed Anya to place the girl's unconscious body on a bed.

"You can wait outside…" Abby tried to offer to Anya, but the general resolutely shook her head in immediate denial.

Ontari watched in obvious alarmed confusion how the doctor started to undress the younger girl and Anya caught the girl staring at a dagger strapped to her own thigh.

"She needs to be examined for internal injuries" Abby explained to the dark-haired girl, trying to sooth her somewhat. Clarke had told her only briefly who the girl was, but it had been enough to understand that she should not underestimate Ontari and her desire to protect Marie might easily turn violent.

Ontari's dark eyes seemed to widen in a mixture of disbelieve and confusion, but they switched from Abby to Anya.

The general had stepped closer to the bed and an almost pained expression seemed to linger on her face as she watched the doctor undress Marie efficiently.

"Ontari, wait outside" Anya ordered the Ice Nation nightblood without looking at her, keeping her eyes fixed on Marie's relaxed features.

Ontari contemplated to object with the order, but the general's words from earlier echoed through her mind. The general had asked her to trust her and predicted that she would not always agree with her orders, but that she expected to be obeyed without question nonetheless. A small part of her mind had to acknowledge that she did not truly wish to witness this kind of examination as the doctor started to bend Marie's limps, exposing her genitals. The nightblood felt sick to her stomach suddenly and she turned abruptly storming out of the room, she did not know why she was shaking all of a sudden, or why there were tears burning in her eyes. She could not remember the last time, she had cried and she did not know, why she was so upset now.

Ontari was acutely aware of the guards watching her and she glared at them, with thinned lips. She had no idea, where to go now. Would the other novitiates be training now?

She was saved from having to stand on the corridor indecisively as the elevator opened at the end of the corridor and the commander herself swept out of it.

Lexa's green eyes quickly took in the upset state of the nightblood girl. She did not know, why Ontari was standing on the corridor.

"Where are Anya and Marie?" the commander asked the dark-haired in a calm tone, the immediate worry apparent within her green eyes.

"Inside…" Ontari said, her voice suddenly refusing to work, as tears started to blur her gaze slightly and she forcefully tried to swallow, to steady herself again.

"Is Abby still with them?" Lexa questioned once again, but her worry now included Ontari. She had never seen the Ice Nation nightblood in such a state.

"She wants to examine her for internal damage…" Ontari answered monotonously, clenching her teeth together afterwards.

Lexa nodded slightly confused "Come with me" she ordered calmly. Anya would surely tell her later what this was supposed to mean and it was obvious Ontari should not be left on her own at the moment.

Chapter 168

Abby was aware of the general's brown eyes following her every move. She saw how the general stood beside the bed, her whole body tense. The woman seemed oddly misplaced standing there without any purpose.

She would have felt better examining the child without her constant watch, but Abby knew better than to try to convince the fierce Trikru woman again to step outside at least for a few minutes.

Abby started with the worse part of the examination. A worried frown flashed over her features, when the child's body seemed to tense under her touch. Had the sedative not been strong enough?

Anya must have noticed the sudden tensing of Marie's body as well and sat on the edge of the bed on the other side, trying not to stand in the way of the doctor. She gently grasped one of the girl's hands into her own and caressed the smaller hand soothingly, hoping that Marie would feel her presence and it would calm her at least somewhat.

Anya had stopped watching the other woman inspect Marie's body. She did not wish to truly see, what she was doing exactly, she kept her gaze locked on Marie's features instead. The girl's face kept on scrunching up with agitation and Anya caressed her cheek softly, murmuring reassurances to her unconscious charge.

Memories of being handled against her will and under the effects of sedation within the harvest chamber of Mount Weather invaded Anya's mind unbidden and the general tried hard to shoo them from her thoughts again, as she felt the hairs on the back of neck rise in reaction of her body.

Time seemed to pass slowly as Abby continued with her examination. Anya only let go off the girl's hand when Abby wanted to turn Marie onto her stomach and inspect her backside. Her mind was turmoiled with the question what had prompted Nia to subject Marie to such extreme measures of torture, the sweet child had done nothing to deserve such treatment.

Anya took over re-dressing Marie from Abby once the Skykru doctor took a step back from the bed, she did not wish for her charge to have to be exposed like this against her will for even a second longer than necessary.

The general waited impatiently with a baited breath for Abby's verdict of what she had found.

The doctor stored away her tools carefully, sorting through her thoughts before she addressed the waiting other woman relieving her from her obvious anticipation "I found some hymenal scarring and slight internal scarring in addition, so there definitely has been penetration involved, but it is unlikely she will require surgical treatment. It should heal on its own without any treatment with time."

Anya's brows knitted together in confusion, not understanding some of the terms Abby had used. But she instantly felt red hot anger course through her veins at the confirmation of just how far Nia had gone. If she ever came face to face with the Ice queen, the general was sure to inflict the most gruesome and slow death possible to the woman. She clenched her teeth together forcefully, trying to keep hold of her immense anger.

Abby's almost tentative voice called Anya's attention from her all-consuming fury at least partly. "Marie might experience some degree of discomfort resulting from the examination. She is bound to be confused, when she wakes, you need to be here for your charge then, Anya".

The general nodded curtly, she would not leave the child on her own. She may be angry beyond imagination, but she would not abandon her duty to Marie again. Anya tried to calm herself forcefully, she would be of no help to Marie if she let go control of her emotions like that.

Abby sighed as she finished packing up her equipment in silence. She could not offer any more assistance here, so she nodded to the general in farewell and left her with her charge. Abby doubted Marie would confide into her anything after she had basically misused her trust to examine her in such an intimate way without discussing it with the child beforehand. The girl was bound to feel violated, but she had seen herself that Marie had obviously started to develop new trust for the general and as it seemed for the dark-haired girl as well.

Abby doubted that Marie would benefit from what had traditionally been a therapy executed by a psychologist. It would probably help the young girl better if the girl got into a routine in Polis. As Anya had said the girl had started to confide to Ontari and she was convinced she would continue to work through the trauma with the support of the general and the nightblood girl, maybe even the commander's.

Her place was not within the capitol but with her own people and she wished to return, she did not feel well leaving Skykru in Markus' hands alone. Clarke might hide it well, but it had been painfully obvious that her daughter still did not feel comfortable in her presence. Abby still wished to convince he daughter to return to Skykru, but she was not blind. Abby had seen how they had looked at each other, how they seemed to gravitate into each other's direction subconsciously. She had seen that something had grown between Clarke and the commander, she did not understand it one bit, nor did she want to support a possible relationship between the two young women. Abby could not deny that she had gotten glimpses of a woman behind the persona of the commander, but how Clarke could have seemingly forgiven her for the betrayal at the Mountain, the doctor could not fathom. She knew her daughter well enough by now, Clarke would not leave the capitol willingly, so she had to accept her decision even though she did not share it.

Anya watched the Skykru doctor sweep from the room in silence and her brown eyes returned to Marie's pale face. She still held the girl's smaller hand and let her fingers glide over her knuckles gently, the repetitive motion felt soothing to herself as well.

It did not take long until Marie started to show signs after the sedative finally wearing off. The girl's body tensed and the child turned onto her side slowly, curling in on herself, but her fingers closed around Anya's hand.

"Marie…" Anya addressed her charge in a soft tone, giving her smaller hand a slight squeeze.

The girl groaned pitifully, as consciousness slowly returned to her.

"It is alright, my little star" Anya soothed the girl, keeping up her gentle caress of Marie's fingers.

Marie's grey eyes were confused and her voice had a whiny quality to it "It hurts…".

The tears glistening inside her charge's eyes felt like a physical punch to the gut to Anya and there was nothing she could do to take the child's pain away. Marie seemed to curl herself together even tighter, but she kept a firm hold on Anya's hand.

"It will fade" Anya promised in what she hoped to be a reassuring way. She did not know if Marie should be given a tea to help with her discomfort as Abby had not mentioned anything. It was obvious that her charge was confused of the origin of her physical pain, so she tried to explain that the Skykru doctor had to examine her to make sure that she would not suffer from any problems later.

Marie nodded with a miserable expression, the pain had faded before after all and no one had held her hand then.

Lexa motioned the Ice Nation nightblood in the direction of her quarters.

"Have you had something to eat after breakfast yet?" she asked the girl in a kind tone and when Ontari shook her head in the negative, Lexa ordered a guard to send for Alira. The commander had wondered why Anya had missed to attend the meeting in the afternoon, but she was sure her general would not have missed it out of carelessness.

Ontari followed the commander in silence, her expression still highly troubled. Her stomach seemed to roll uncomfortably at just the thought of eating anything now.

Lexa watched the younger girl step into her quarters with obvious unease. She had discussed Ontari's inclusion in Marie's education from now on with Anya. She agreed with the fact that Ontari still needed to learn a lot about life in general if she ever hoped to qualify as a justly commander. She had learnt enough about ruthlessness and strength, but compassion and wisdom had been mostly lacking from her upbringing. She had not shared a close bond to any of her novitiates so far, but on the other hand none of them had ever been this old.

She could not deny that the Ice Nation nightblood had changed a lot since she had arrived in the capitol, but Lexa still found it hard to truly trust her. The girl's connection to Marie was honest though and it showed by how affected she clearly was by whatever had transpired before she had arrived in the top floor of the tower.

"Ontari, can you tell me, what has happened again?" Lexa questioned the younger nightblood after she had motioned her to sit down on the couch.

It was obvious Ontari still felt uncomfortable, she sat stiffly and tense on the couch, ready to spring up any second.

Ontari took a deep breath, but she nodded and said "The general …" she started, but corrected herself quickly "I mean, Anya, she talked with me in the woods around Polis. We left Marie with the Skykru doctor. Anya said I could become a sort of second to her …"

Lexa nodded in acknowledgement, she had known already that Anya would propose exactly that to the Ice Nation nightblood.

"…when we returned Marie did not even realize so …" Ontari narrated and her dark eyes were shining with concern for the younger girl "… she said …" Ontari's voice broke slightly.

"It is alright" Lexa promised in a reassuring tone and kept her expression neutral and encouraging, waiting for the other nightblood to continue.

"I don't know, what Marie had said before, but when we entered, she seemed so far away…" Ontari continued after a few moments, her voice heavy and quivering slightly "…she said that Nia expected her to do something for her … we have not heard what … but …" she broke off again.

"But what?" Lexa prodded in a soft tone and waited again. She was surprised to notice tears shining in the dark girl's eyes.

"She said, that Nia would touch her…" Ontari's voice screeched slightly and her hands balled into tight fists "…she would touch her first… and how it had hurt…"

Ontari's voice gave out again and Lexa could see her trying to blink away the tears, but failing and a tear slide down her cheek, she whipped it away immediately, almost furious with herself.

Lexa had to take a deep breath herself at this revelation. She had feared that Nia would not have stopped at anything, but she had hoped that Marie had been spared at least something. She stood from the armchair and started pacing angrily in front of the fireplace.

Ontari had obviously not been finished yet with her narration and Lexa turned to the face the younger nightblood, when she had regained her voice, it still shook noticeably though.

"The Skykru doctor said she needed to be checked for internal damage…" Ontari seemed to breathe almost furiously now "… she sedated her without any kind of forewarning …" the accusation was palpable in her tone, but it turned to confused horror a second later "…she undressed Marie and the examination looked horrible … Anya had sent me out only moments before you arrived" the nightblood finished, whipping away new tears running down her cheeks.

Lexa nodded in understanding.

A knock announcing Alira's arrival interrupted Lexa before she could say anything in response and the commander was internally grateful for the interruption.

The handmaid already carried a tray with dinner, it would suffice for the both of them. The older woman was visibly confused to find the commander in the company of the Ice Nation nightblood, but she did not say anything as she placed the dinner on the table.

Lexa was trying hard to keep hold on to a calm façade. Her emotions and thoughts were in deep uproar, but she would not show that in front of Ontari.

Alira went around the room calmly, stoking the fire, collecting clothing for the laundry and lighting various candles.

"Eat" Lexa ordered the younger nightblood girl calmly and sat back down opposite of Ontari.

The girl looked at her with an almost tortured expression, but she obediently took something from the plate and started to eat.

Lexa's brows knitted together, when the girl suddenly sprung to her feet only a few seconds later with a frantic look in her dark eyes.

"Ontari…" Lexa addressed the girl sternly, while Ontari suddenly bend over in the middle of the room and vomited what she had just forced herself to eat.

Alira watched the proceedings with a sigh "I will prepare a tea" she said to the commander and send a guard for one of her younger handmaidens to clean the mess up again.

Lexa felt a small surge of guilt at seeing the nightblood in such a state. It was obvious that her being a witness to it, only added to her discomfort.

"It is alright, Ontari" she assured the girl calmly and stepped closer to her, motioning her to sit down again, but being close enough to steady her, should she falter.

"I am sorry…" Ontari offered faintly once Alira offered a cup with streaming tea to her.

The commander shook her head "It is understandable that your stomach is upset, there is nothing to apologize for" she told her firmly.

Lexa had to force herself to eat something as well. No matter what she took, it seemed to turn into dust in her mouth and she forcefully had to swallow at least a few bites.

It was obvious Ontari was lost in her own thoughts. The girl turned the cup in her hands absentminded and her dark eyes seemed to watch nothing in particular.

Lexa dismissed both handmaidens, once Alira had finished and the mess had been cleaned, with a simple waving gesture.

The commander was lost in her own thoughts and she did not catch the whispered question from Ontari at first, but she felt her dark eyes fixed on herself questioningly.

She waited for the nightblood to repeat her question and her heart gave a painful tug, when she finally understood the single word.

"Why?" the simple word kept on resonating loudly within the commander's mind and she felt a strange mixture of helplessness and anger coursing through her veins. She had asked herself the same question already for what felt like a thousand times, but she had not come up with a reasonable answer. There simply was no explanation, nothing could justify what Nia had done to Marie.

Lexa shook her head, feeling her eyes misting over with tears as well, but she chose to focus on the anger instead "There is no reason, Ontari. Nia is simply a vile creature…" her voice shook slightly with barely suppressed fury and she clenched her jaw together tightly.

Ontari nodded "I see that now" she agreed honestly. She had already understood before that Nia had not been as honest in her intentions, as she had been made to believe. But now, even she was unable to keep on the almost holy image of the Ice queen in her mind, she had painted as a child.

"Will she survive that?" Ontari suddenly asked.

Lexa frowned slightly at the seemingly off-hand question, not understanding where it should be hinting at and she looked at the girl with a raised brow in silence, waiting for her to elaborate.

Ontari sighed under her breath. She had no idea, if the general had told the commander everything she had heard the night before. But hearing that Marie had contemplated to kill herself, had shocked her beyond reason and the irrational fear stayed within her mind, that the girl could still be harbouring such tendencies. She did not wish to break Marie's trust, but she thought that commander would need to know.

"I do not know, if or what the general told you about Marie's conversation with me last night" she started, trying to regain some calmness "But Marie had said that she had thought about killing herself, to end her suffering…" she could not force her voice to remain steady, the shock of this realization still too fresh and deep.

Lexa's frown deepened visibly. Anya had failed to mention this aspect to her yet. Abby had already told them that people who suffered through something like Marie had, sometimes developed suicidal thoughts, but they had not been aware that the girl already had had them. She felt something clench inside her painfully at this new piece of information. At least the younger nightblood's question made perfect sense now.

She answered it resolutely though "Marie is strong. She will survive and get stronger" the commander assured Ontari and her green eyes connected intently with her dark ones. Lexa did not feel as confident about this sentiment, as she tried to appear in front of her oldest novitiate. But she needed to believe within her own words.

The most logical consequence was that Marie truly could not be left alone for now, until they were sure the girl had recovered. Lexa knew, it would destroy Anya and probably herself, if their charge simply gave up and ended her life, they would not allow that, they could not.

Marie was strong, she had no doubt about that fact in her mind. The girl had possessed a strength already when she had met her for the very first time. Lexa hoped that their combined support would be enough for Marie to re-connect with her own strength again.

Chapter 169

When Clarke returned from her rounds through the streets of Polis, visiting those patients who were unable to make their way to the tower themselves, the better time of the day had already passed.

The blonde sighed under her breath, she had hoped to find some time to see Lexa in between the many of the commander's duties. But she understood now, just how thinly spread the young leader truly was. She absolutely no idea how the brunette had managed to lead the grounders with such success without collapsing and caving in from sheer exhaustion and stress.

Clarke's thoughts halted abruptly and stopped their circling around Lexa, when she promptly ran into her mother as she set foot into the basement of the tower.

As if against her conscious will and more a reflex from her subconsciousness, Clarke felt her features harden, as she mentally prepared for the confrontation she was expecting. She was not foolish enough to believe that her mother had finally accepted that she would never regard Arkadia as her home.

"How did it go with Marie?" Clarke asked before her mother could say anything, hoping to keep her attention on Marie and away from herself.

"As well as it could" Abby answered her daughter, but she wanted to speak to her in privacy.

Clarke's brows furrowed at the request to speak in her quarters, but she nodded. She sighed, it was late enough already that Lexa could have returned early from a meeting. She knew that the other woman had wanted to find time to spend it with Marie, trying to re-connect with her slowly. So, it was absolutely possible that Lexa would already be within her quarters. Clarke had moved over into the commander's quarters weeks ago and she had no idea, if the quarters she had been assigned before, were still available.

"We should speak in your quarters" Clarke grumbled out, fighting hard to keep herself from blushing. She did not know, if her mother had already caught on with just how deep her relationship with Lexa had grown. She had not truly planned to speak about it with her mother anyway; she thought they had long passed the right moment to have a mother-daughter talk. Since her father's execution their relationship had never been the same and Clarke did not feel inclined to try to change much about that. She was finally at home and at peace in Polis, she did not need her mother's blessing for that.

Abby slightly narrowed her eyes in suspicion at her daughter, but she nodded mutely. She knew that such discussion should not be held in the halls, where they did not know, who would be listening to them.

"You have been out all day to visit patients?" Abby asked, switching the conversation to a lighter topic. She had heard talk about just how involved Clarke was now as a healer in Polis, it seemed her daughter had managed to carve herself another title beside Wanheda and she had heard that she was well respected in the capitol.

Clarke nodded curtly, she enjoyed working as a healer. She could not discourage all of her patients from calling her Wanheda, but she could live with the title of a healer far easier and most of her patients accepted her wishes to be called just that when they finally noticed just how uneasy the name of Wanheda made her. Lexa and Anya both had tried to explain to her several times that Wanheda was a title of great honour for them, but she did not wish to be honoured in such a way.

She sighed under her breath, although her mother seemed to try quite hard to hide her disappointment at their continued distance, she still saw it flashing through her eyes. So, Clarke elaborated in what she hoped to be a friendlier tone "The citizens of Polis have accepted me well as a healer. A handful of healers work in the tower and I have found my place with them".

Abby nodded and after she had swallowed forcefully, she commented in an honest tone "I am proud of what you are doing, Clarke".

"Thank you" Clarke nodded quickly and averted her eyes again.

Fortunately, they had reached the small quarters which had been assigned to her mother, located in the middle of the tower and she followed her inside.

"What had you wanted to talk about?" Clarke asked immediately. She could see in the tenseness of her mother's whole posture, that she would fail to divert her attention, if she tried to.

"I will leave Polis and head back to Arkadia as soon as possible" Abby proclaimed curtly.

Clarke nodded with a slight frown, mentally preparing herself for the argument she was convinced would follow and she hardened herself even further. There was nothing her mother could say to sway her mind and leave Lexa. She was sure the brunette would let her leave immediately, without even trying to argument with her, simply because she was such a self-sacrificing person, that it almost hurt to think of her in such a way. Clarke had needed along time to understand just how far Lexa's devotion and willingness to put all and everyone's needs before her own. In the back of her mind the argument she had had with Lexa the prior night was still fresh and she was convinced a small part of the young leader would even be relieved if she were to leave Polis and return to Arkadia, away from the dangers she was put in simply by being close to Lexa.

Clarke lightly shook her head, to shoo such thoughts from her mind. She would not willingly leave Lexa, not now, not ever. "I will not come with you, so don't even try to…" Clarke retorted in a hard tone, not giving her mother any room to try to sway her mind.

She was surprised by the open defeat on her mother's features for a moment. She had expected anger and probably a screamed tirade, but seeing her mother like this, felt worse somehow.

"I know" Abby acknowledged in a tired tone "You have found your place here, I can see that…"

"But?" Clarke checked, eyes still slightly hardened. She had never expected her mother to give up so easily.

"I hope you know what you are doing with the commander" Abby commented, voice slightly cautious, but still tinted with a hint of criticism.

Clarke's lips thinned visibly "Who has told you …?" she begun to ask, but was interrupted quickly.

"I am your mother, Clarke" Abby shook her head with a sigh "I am not blind. I see the way you look at each other. You may think to be subtle…" she paused for a second "… why her?"

Clarke looked away for a moment before she answered truthfully "I love her, mom".

Abby nodded "I truly hope you know what you are doing…" her voice trailed off tiredly. A relationship between her daughter and the commander could turn into disaster for all of them.

Clarke inclined her head in a nod "I do" her voice was full of conviction.

Abby nodded again "I will not be able to offer any real help to Marie. So, I can return to Arkadia as well"

She would tell Raven in the morning; the young mechanic was having a blast in the capitol. Raven had spent most of her time with Monty, when the boy was not in meetings and he had shown the capitol to her. Some of the vendors in the streets had various pieces of old tech from the previous world and to Raven it seemed like she was a child in a candy shop. Abby guessed they would return to Arkadia with much more baggage than they had come with.

Clarke furrowed her brow in obvious confusion "She still has not said anything to you?" she checked. Clarke had held onto the hope that Marie would open up to her mother.

Abby shook her head "No, she did. But it is unlikely she will again and I doubt she truly needs a therapy in this sense".

Clarke's confusion was only increasing and it must have shown on her face.

"Marie confessed today that the rape the Ice queen subjected her to included forceful penetration" Abby explained.

Clarke gasped loudly in reaction and she paled visibly. She felt a painful tug of compassion for Marie, but not just for the poor child, but for Lexa and Anya as well. She knew that both of them blamed themselves at least partly, for what had happened to their charge.

"I needed to examine her for internal damage to exclude that she would need surgery or face problems later. So, I sedated her and examined her" Abby continued, tone forcefully kept light and calm "The scarring is fortunately only light, so there is no need for any treatment."

Clarke nodded against the huge lump lodged deeply in her throat.

"Marie has started to find trust for Anya and this older girl, Ontari you said was her name" Abby added "They will be better versed to truly help her. Working through such a trauma will take time. She will probably forever carry the scars of that on her soul".

Clarke nodded again in agreement. She knew that it might take a long time for the young girl to recover and truly overcome what had happened to her. There was no possibility to push her through her recovery either, it would need to happen in her own pacing.

"How has she taken the examination?" Clarke asked, voice noticeably shaken.

Abby shook her head "I left before she woke up again, but Anya stayed with her".

Clarke frowned lightly, but nodded her understanding "I should check in with them" and she did not mean only Marie and Anya, but primarily Lexa as well. The revelation would be crushing to both women, there was no doubt about that in her mind.

Abby nodded in understanding and watched her daughter stride from the room with a sinking heart. It almost felt as if she had lost her somehow again, but she had to accept that Clarke was old enough to make her own decisions now.

Clarke walked through the halls with quick strides and impatiently tapped her foot as the elevator carried her to the top floor of the tower.

She hovered in front of the door to the general's quarters indecisively, as she glanced over to the commander's chambers.

Clarke decided to check in on with Marie first, the girl had probably already woken up from her mother's sedative or was it least in the process of finally waking.

She lightly knocked on the door to announce her arrival, she had learned long ago that the general never invited someone inside, but her doors were only guarded when the Trikru woman was actually present, only Lexa's quarters were guarded at all times.

Clarke instantly spotted Anya sitting on the edge of Marie's bed. The general immediately looked up at the intrusion, but she continued to hold on to the girl's hand.

Clarke tentatively smiled at the younger girl kindly "How are you feeling, Marie?" she asked in a calm tone.

Marie's grey eyes shortly connected with Clarke's blue ones, but the child quickly looked away, pulling her knees slightly towards her chest with a slight groan.

"Marie, you were asked something" Anya chided her charge "Answer her" although her voice was still gentle, an undertone of strictness had appeared.

Marie mumbled something incomprehensible as response, pulling the general's hand closer to her chest.

Clarke frowned slightly, it was obvious the girl was not feeling well, she guessed that a slight rest of the sedative would still remain within her system, making her whinier. The way the child clung to Anya's arm would have been comical, if not for the dire situation.

A mixture of irritation and worry was apparent on the general's features at her charge's antics. "She complained about pain" Anya answered Clarke's question "I do not know if she should get a tea against that".

Clarke nodded "If Marie does not feel nauseas, there should be no harm in giving her a tea against the pain. She should feel better after a few hours of sleep." She knew the girl would still feel slightly confused as an aftereffect of the sedative, but it would be worn off in the morning.

"I can prepare one for her now" Clarke offered calmly, with a tight smile, which felt slightly forced.

It was still obvious how taxing the whole situation was to the general as well and it would probably take weeks of small progress and a lot of backsteps for Marie to recover.

Anya nodded mutely, Marie's grip on her hand was surprisingly strong and the position her arm was twisted in now was anything but comfortable. She sighed under her breath, sweeping a blonde lock from the girl's forehead gently. It was odd, how the girl now clung to her and seemed so unwilling to let go, when she did not trust her anymore at all.

Clarke walked through the room in silence, she heard Anya whispering some what she assumed to be reassuring words to Marie, as she prepared a tea for Marie. As an afterthought she added valerian to the mixture. It would truly be better for Marie to simply sleep it off now.

She handed the tea over to Anya, when Marie did not show any reaction to the cup at all.

"I will go over to Lexa now" Clarke proclaimed, but was stopped by Anya.

"Was Ontari still outside?" the general asked. She had completely forgotten about the nightblood girl. With a small twinge of guilt, she realized that she had not even told her where to go at all.

Clarke shook her head "I have not seen her".

Anya coursed under her breath. She had promised the nightblood to be her first only mere hours ago and had already forgotten about her.

"I am sure, she is fine" Clarke reassured the general quickly. She noticed that Marie had uncurled herself slightly and was watching both of them minutely. "I will ask a guard of her location" she proclaimed "Drink the tea, Marie" she addressed the girl.

Marie's grey eyes narrowed at the healer and Anya hissed slightly, when the girl's grip got even firmer on her hand.

"Marie, you need to let go now, to drink the tea" Anya reasoned with the girl, trying to pry her fingers lose from the child's vice like grip. Who knew Marie would be able to exert such strength. Internally it worried her deeply to see her charge so obviously distraught and not truly expressing it either. She was not sure if she would have preferred for the girl to cry in her sorrow.

Getting Marie to let go of her hand proved to be impossible. It almost seemed as if she was the girl's lifeline at the moment. Anya could not hinder her mind with coming up of an image of the girl curled in on herself and no one there to offer her any kind of support.

Clarke returned quickly telling the general that the commander had taken the nightblood with her into her quarters.

Anya nodded only absentminded, still occupied with trying to convince Marie to drink the tea.

"Marie…" the general tried to pry her fingers loose again, which only prompted Marie to tighten her grip.

"Marie, you will feel better when you drink the tea" Anya tried to reason with her charge and took her other hand, gently losing the girl's fingers.

Marie's expression was almost pitiful when the general finally had her hand freed again. The woman carefully pulled her charge into a sitting position and forced the cup of tea into her hand.

The girl took the cup in silence, glancing at Anya shortly, before she only watched the swirl of the liquid in the cup, as she moved the cup through her fingers.

Anya thinned her lips "Drink the tea" she repeated, tone sharper again and the girl's eyes snapped up immediately. The almost palpable fear in them at her even only slightly raised voice, tore painfully at Anya's conscience, but the girl obeyed now and drank the tea rather quickly. Internally the general hoped Marie was not scalding her tongue with the way she gulped down the brew so rapidly now.

She frowned slightly when Marie turned on her side facing away from her promptly after handing back the drained cup. The continued silence around the girl irked her to no end.

Her frown only deepened when the girl seemed to fall asleep only a few moments later. Had Clarke given the girl something more than just something against the pain?

Her question was halted when the door to her quarters was opened again and Ontari stepped back inside. The nightblood still looked rather pale and shaken, but her frown deepened when she spotted a tray with dinner in her hands.

"The commander asked me to bring that over" Ontari explained and her dark eyes immediately sought out Marie's form under the furs.

"Thank you" Anya acknowledged quietly and stepped around the bed, checking mutely that Marie had indeed fallen asleep. She noticed with a slight frown, that even now the child's features looked troubled.

She did not feel particularly hungry, but she ate something nonetheless.

"Wanheda said that Marie should sleep until dawn" Ontari added shortly.

Anya inclined her head in acknowledgment mutely. The unspoken tension in the room was nearly palpable and it was obvious neither the general nor the nightblood truly felt comfortable in each other's presence, but their worry over Marie connected them to each other.

Anya sighed under her breath. The nightblood was actually already way too old for her to share a sleeping space, even Marie was on the verge of being old enough to get her own room. Getting used to share her space with Marie had been relatively easy from the beginning, but the general had the distinct presumption that it would not go as smoothly with Ontari, added to the fact that Marie still behaved completely out of character.

"Have you eaten?" the general asked her newly charge. Anya knew she needed to start to think of Ontari as more of just a connection to Marie, anything else would not be fair to the nightblood girl.

Ontari shook her head and a slight blush appeared on her cheeks.

Anya's brows knitted together in confusion at the untypical reaction, so far, she had seen the nightblood girl as very controlled and tight in her emotions.

"The commander offered something to eat already" Ontari said, slight reluctance and, if Anya interpreted her expression correctly, shame colouring her tone. "I threw up on her floor…"

Anya nodded in silent acknowledgment, watching Marie like this must have upset the older girl way more deeply than she had anticipated. She would need to express her gratitude to Lexa for looking after the nightblood earlier.

"It is late already" Anya said, not trying to embarrass the girl even further. Ontari seemed to understand the unspoken order without further explanation and started to get ready for the night in silence. Anya hoped the morning would be easier again, but she highly doubted so.

Chapter 170

Anya's slight hope that dealing with Marie in the morning would have gotten any easier, had been completely in vain.

The night itself had passed rather uneventful. The general had not heard the girl wake up and vomit again, so she took that as at least something.

The deep dark circles forming under Marie's grey eyes, a sign she had clearly not slept as much as Anya had anticipated, worried the general.

Marie in fact had woken up some time after both Anya and Ontari had gotten into bed as well. The candles had still been burning and were casting shadows through the room. She had woken up, tense and rigid, cold sweat coating her brow and Marie felt the echo of the familiar pain lingering in her body, disorienting her at first. She had laid in the bed, barely allowing herself to breath, afraid of feeling the queen's arms pulling her closer again.

She did not know how it had taken her to realize that she was in fact not back in the queen's bed. Marie noticed with a slight frown not just one sound of breathing, but the breaths of a second person and slowly the memories from the previous day came crawling back into her mind.

Now that she tried to take her surrounding in more deeply, she realized it was warmer in the room than the queen's quarters had ever been. The furs around her body felt different and were softer somehow, although she was not entirely sure that was not only a trick of her mind.

Turning around in her bed, which was considerably smaller than the queen's bed, Marie could spot Anya lying in the bed on the one side and Ontari on her other side. She felt her frantically beating heart slowly coming back to normal as she pressed her eyes closed again, repeating in her mind over and over again, that she was safe here.

Marie abruptly opened her eyes again, curling in on herself under the furs and pulling them thigther around her frame. Although the temperature of the room was comfortable, she was shivering strongly and her body did not seem to want to stop. Whenever she closed her eyes, she would feel the queen's breaths ghosting over neck, her hands pulling her closer, her fingers almost clawing at her skin. Her shivering only increased and Marie let out a small pained whimper, trying to shoo the images from her mind, burnt into her memory forever.

She seemed to be lucky and she had not woken either Ontari nor Anya. Marie was relatively sure they would not have minded.

She remembered the reassuring feeling of Anya holding her hand as she had woken up a few hours ago. Anya had explained to her that the pain she now felt came from an examination.

The thought of the examination brought the Skykru doctor back to her mind and Marie felt anger boiling in her blood. If it were possible, she would go back a few hours and stop herself from letting the words about what had happened with the queen pass through her lips. She wished she could go back and take them back, make sure she never spoke of them ever again.

Speaking to Ontari had been different. The girl had been there with her after all.

Marie pondered the question of why she had spoken to the Skykru doctor at all the whole night, but she had not come up with a reason. It was easier to focus her mind on this question, than letting her thoughts wander to what Abby had said to her.

She watched how the candles finally burnt down, her eyes were already burning from the exhaustion of keeping them open forcefully. Marie felt the distinct desire to stand up and light the candles again or to at least have something which would cast light through the room, but that would surely wake Anya and Ontari.

So, Marie waited through the night, trying to keep her eyes open and not fall back asleep. She was sure that she would only wake from another nightmare, if she did. Marie could have cried in relive, when the first signs of light started to filter through the curtain, proclaiming the impeding dawn, and Anya finally woke and stood up, going into the bathroom at once

Marie sat up in her bed, keeping the furs pulled to her chest. The pain which still had been coursing through her body during the last evening, had thankfully faded and only left a weird awareness behind, which she internally hoped would vanish completely during the day. Ontari seemed to be asleep still, so Marie simply waited in silence for Anya to finish and come out of the bathroom again.

She completely ignored the general's clearly worried eyes following her every move and did not say a single word, when she slipped out of the bed and went into the bathroom herself, a stack of clothes already in her hand.

Anya sighed as she watched Marie retreat into the bathroom. She had feared already that Marie's nightmares would have returned with vengeance. Judging from the exhaustion which had been clearly written on the girl's features, she could not have slept for more than an hour or two. Anya wondered just how the girl had managed to learn to wake up in silence from her nightmares, but she shooed the question from her mind. She could imagine the answer and it would not have been pleasant. But how was she to help Marie, if she did not even realize the girl was suffering?

Supplying her charge with sleep tonics did not seem like a real solution. It would make Marie sleep without nightmares, of course, but Abby had said that working through her trauma in her sleep was an important step to heal.

Before she had taken the girl to hunt, Marie's sleep had gotten better again. Lexa and she had been sure that their charge would probably be able to sleep through the night, without both of them with her. But even that would not help Marie now, Anya judged that sharing a bed with the child now, would only increase her uneasiness.

The arrival of a handmaid bringing in breakfast woke Ontari as well.

It was obvious that the Ice Nation nightblood was on guard around Anya and the unfamiliar handmaid as well.

Anya sighed under her breath, internally wondering why she had even proposed this idea to Lexa in the first place. Now she had to deal not just with Marie, which was exhausting on its own, but with the nightblood in addition.

At least Ontari did not ignore the presence of the other two women and greeted both with cautious politeness. Her dark eyes quickly searched for Marie in the small room, but sounds coming through the door to the bathroom, gave away the younger girl's attention before she could truly worry over her absence. e

Anya's frown deepened when Marie did not return after a few minutes. Snatches of the conversation between Marie and Ontari dealing with the fact that her charge had contemplated to end her own life, flashed through her mind unbidden and a sense of dread grew in her stomach. She did not wish to have to worry for Marie every second, she was not in her eyesight.

Ontari caught up with the tenseness in the general's features quiet quickly an she saw her brown eyes darting to the door to the bathroom every few moments.

The handmaid had left after some time. The laundry was collected, the fire stocked again and the room quickly tidied up in silence.

Anya broodily turned the cup with tea in her hand fitfully. The sounds coming from the bathroom had stopped some time ago and her stomach coiled uncomfortably without any further sign of Marie. There should not be any blade within the bathroom, so Marie should not be able to slit her wrists or throat open. Would she even do that? Anya truly had no answer to that question any longer. But the bathing tube still had held enough water to drown herself in, with enough willpower.

Breathing out a frustrated sigh, Anya stood from her chair, her patience with waiting snapping and she rapped against the door strongly "Are you finished?" she called inside and strained her ears for an answer.

Ontari watched the restless general with a frown. She did not understand what had her worried to that obvious degree. She wondered, why no one had called her to the morning training until she remembered that the general would oversee her training personally from now on. She internally hoped the general would not be set on accidentally killing herself in combat training, like she strongly suspected the flamekeeper to secretly have hoped for.

Anya had her fist raised to rap against the door again, when Marie had not answered for several minutes, but the door was pulled open from the inside, revealing the blonde girl standing behind it, with a deep scowl on her face.

It took Anya a moment before she realized the reason for her charge's frustration. Marie had obviously tried to replicate the hairstyle, she had designed for her the day before. But she had failed tremendously at it, her blonde hair looked like a total mess.

Ontari had looked around the general and spotted Marie as well. While the general forcefully kept herself from laughing, the nightblood did not and let out loud laughter.

Marie narrowed her grey eyes at the older girl, her anger obviously mounting, but Ontari did not look impressed at all.

Anya was torn between trying to reassure Marie that there was no reason to be upset and reprimanding Ontari for laughing at the younger girl.

"It does not look like you achieved the look you tried to" Ontari breathed out, still laughing "If you were not trying to look like you fought off a flock of bird, wanting to nest on your head, that is?"

Marie's eyes narrowed further, but she at least broke her silence "Of course not" she grumbled out, clearly angry with herself and crossed her arms over chest sullenly.

"Pity" Ontari deadpanned, voice still coloured with amusement "Would have been perfect for that".

The reprimand died on Anya's tongue and she realized with a flash of an emotion she could not quiet name for the moment, that Ontari did in fact not have any problems on how to deal with Marie. She would have thought that the dark wit and sarcasm she could wield like a sword in battle, would only further unsettle Marie, but the opposite seemed to be the case.

The younger girl was glaring quiet fiercely at Ontari, her lips thinned in silent anger, as she started to try to untangle her hair again. Some of the red bands had obviously gotten knotted up though and she only pulled at them unsuccessfully.

Anya tried to keep her own lips from pulling into an amused smirk and motioned Marie to sit down at the table "Sit" she ordered and she told Ontari to get ready as well. The nightblood nodded and Anya inclined her head in silent acknowledgment at the girl, when she spotted a flash of uncertainty within the depths of her dark eyes.

Marie startled visibly, when Anya slapped her hands from her hair without forewarning and simply started to take over the task of untangling the mess on her head. "Eat" Anya ordered, while her fingers began their work. Marie shortly glanced over her shoulder at the general, a slightly unsettled expression on her face.

"There is no need for you to do your hair yourself" Anya reassured after a moment of silence.

Marie frowned and although the general could not see the girl's expression, she could guess her reaction without having to see it.

"I should be able to do that" Marie grumbled under her breath, only nibbling at a dry piece of bread reluctantly. Her stomach felt much too queasy to stomach anything really and she had no feeling of hunger. She remembered vividly how impatient Echo had pulled and tugged at her hair, showing her how to braid it. She had not seen the woman often during her time with the Ice queen and she wondered why the woman had brought her to the queen at all. Echo had instilled in her that needing someone to do your hair for you, was weakness; baring your neck to someone else was a sign of trust and trust was deadly and a weakness as well.

Anya shook her head in the negative, keeping her fingers gentle as they worked through Marie's blonde hair. The girl had truly done a number on it, how she had managed to knot it together like this, was beyond any reason to Anya. "You are the commander's second" Anya explained, voice firm but still kind "So, your hairstyle reflects your position of honour. It is too elaborate for you to attempt yourself".

Marie's scowl deepened in reaction "I want another one then…" she grumbled.

Anya had to strain her hearing to catch the girl's complaint and she tugged at the girl's hair in silent warning to mind her tongue "That is not for you to decide" her voice had gotten sharper, but her fingers got gentler again.

Marie sighed under her breath, but nodded in silent acceptance. She bit at her lip uncertainly, insolence had not been tolerated at all by the queen. She had started to accept it as a given that the general would not hurt her physically, but she still did not feel particularly comfortable with the woman standing behind her back and now braiding her hair. Fortunately, the general was obviously well practised and finished with her hair quiet quickly.

Ontari returned to the room just as Anya had finished with Marie's hair and had sat down again to resume her own breakfast.

Anya frowned at Marie's plate, it did not look at all like the girl had eaten anything. Ontari's plate looked more or less full still as well.

"Eat" Anya repeated glancing to both of her charge's "Both of you" she added for clarity.

Surprise flashed through Ontari's dark eyes to be included like this as well, but she nodded mutely, sliding back into her own seat.

Marie's reaction was more of a defiant nature. The young girl shoved the plate away from her, crossing her arms over her chest sullenly again and she glared at Anya "Not hungry" she informed the woman through clenched teeth.

Anya pinched the bridge of her nose, her patience being close to wearing out already. She distinctly remembered that Abby had warned them about the fact that Marie would most likely test all of those around her quickly on how far she would be able to push them. The almost defiant glint in Marie's grey eyes seemed to be prove to Abby's prediction, but Anya could also see a slight shadow of fear in the girl's features.

"Do you feel sick?" the general asked keeping her tone firm and her brown eyes inquiring.

Marie shrugged her shoulders, her arms still crossed over her chest, but she did not elaborate.

"I have told you before that I expect more of an answer than a shrug" Anya snapped sharply at the young girl, which clearly startled Marie.

"A little" the girl finally relented, but she looked at the wall now, turning her face away from the table, arms still firmly crossed in front of herself.

Anya sighed, a slight sliver of worry crossing through her mind. Had Abby overlooked something in her examination? But she recalled that the doctor had said that sleeping problems as well as nausea would be normal signs of the trauma still working through Marie's system.

"The healers have a tea to settle your stomach" Anya said, standing from the table and quickly ordering a guard posted outside their door to call for such a tea. She could hear Ontari conversing with Marie lowly behind her back.

"You need to eat" Ontari tried to intone to the younger girl under her breath, dark eyes expressing her worry for Marie.

Marie's grey eyes connected with Ontari's gaze and she shrugged slightly, uneasiness written clearly over her features "I will just vomit…" she retorted lowly to the nightblood.

"That is what the tea is for" Anya remarked, having caught Marie's answer as she returned to the table. "Ontari is right though, you do need to eat. Your body needs the nourishment to retain your strength. How do you expect to train otherwise?" she questioned the girl's logic.

Marie nodded, looking at the plate still filled with food with a doubtful expression. As she stretched out her hand to grab another piece of bread, the only thing she hoped which would not unsettle her stomach even further, Anya's hand shot out and took her wrist in a light grip, stopping her movement efficiently.

"Wait for the tea" the general ordered in an even tone and instantly let go of the girl's wrist again. She did not wish for her charge to force herself to eat, only to vomit it out later again, which Ontari had obviously done the evening before. That would surely not help her body either. But they would need to find a solution for the girl's sleeping problem as well. If she did not sleep and tried to evade sleep, she would only collapse at some time in the near future when her body finally gave out.