Chapter 20: How to Grow

According to her therapist, Liz's biggest issue wasn't her depression. According to him, that could be managed. Eventually without medication, even. No, her biggest issue is that her "abusive ex" had cut down her ability to grow. To grow and change as a person, to strive to be better, to want to change. And, according to him, the first step in getting better is to accept the fact that she had deserved to be treated better than how Alan had treated her.

"You shouldn't accept just my opinion as fact," he told her, much to her own internal relief. "Ask others—tell Shane about him and see what he thinks. Call your sisters or your old friend Chris. You know that they all care about you; they wouldn't lie to you about it."

The very thought of doing so made her extremely uncomfortable, but, even if she disagreed with his current assessment of her ex, she did think that she needed to talk about it with others who had known him, at least a little. It would help her find closure and maybe even get those nightmares to stop.

On her bus ride home, she called Marie, internally panicking but also hating herself for such a stupid, weak reaction. Marie was her sister after all. "Hey…. Do you have a minute to talk?"

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She thanked Pam and got off of the bus, the pudgy woman trailing behind. After her… incident, Lewis had gotten the idea that she was staying away for so long because there was no easy way to get out of the valley. So, he had the bus fixed and Pam driving it. Why Pam, a woman that was pretty much always intoxicated, was chosen for that task Lizzy had no idea, but the brunette supposed that she had been doing a pretty fine job so far. That and the fact that Pam didn't seem to care about any conversations that she overheard on the bus.

Her conversation with Marie left her with a lot to process. She hadn't really told Marie a lot about what was going on during the relationship because Alan got upset if she had anything worth complaining about. To anyone, about anything, but especially if it was about him. So, she spilled to her sister, talking the entire two-hour bus ride home with her about what kind of a person Alan was behind closed doors. In hindsight, he wasn't great. As a person or a partner. The more she had talked, the worse she realized things were. Until it got to the point where she wasn't surprised when Marie gave a resounding "Yes, he was abusive and awful. How did you not realize that?" And, the more she thought about it, the more she realized that, in a way, she had some PTSD specifically about relationships and the things they entailed because of what he did.

She wasn't good enough. She didn't cook the way he wanted her to. She didn't clean enough. She wasn't doing well enough in school. She wasn't good sexually. Actually, why would he want to be with her sexually? She was dirty; her whole body. Not good enough to be pleasured or to make sure that she felt good before, during, or after. The list went on and on.

A few days earlier, she had received a text message from Chris who was, now married to a different woman than the one she last knew of, ecstatic to hear from her again and know that she was okay. His wife had encouraged him to reach out and at least patch things up; they had been best friends for four years, after all. Before she could think twice, she shot him off a text message, receiving the reply back immediately. A simple, "yes." So he thought the same as Marie.

If Alan had been abusive, then that meant that everything he had told her wasn't true. Well, for the most part. That meant that maybe she was beautiful, maybe she did deserve love. Proper, healthy love with a supportive person who didn't just want to grow old with her but also actually grow. As a person. To get better and better, to always strive to improve, to never settle for less. If all that was true, then maybe she deserved someone who thought she was beautiful. Who loved her for who she was and worshipped her, just a little.

It broke her heart, just a little bit, to feel that way. Or, at least the emotion felt like a heart break. Because this would mean that she, for so long, was convinced to hate herself, that everything about herself was wrong or dirty or not good enough. She wasted so much time thinking that when she could have been someone else; anyone else.

And that idea was hard to swallow.

Instead of getting back to work, like normal, she simply sat on her porch steps, head resting on her knees as she drew them up closer to her, thinking. She had a lot of work to do still; spring was coming, and she needed to till the ground, clear paths, and get rid of weeds. She still had more trees to chop. Heck, she still needed to move her sprinkler system down by the late; she had gotten a solar powered pump that would draw water up from it to use with her sprinkler system. There was so much to do in a few short weeks, and, normally, she would be incredibly anxious and stressed out. But, she could do it. With Shane, she could do it. And, maybe that was what a relationship was supposed to feel like. Maybe you were supposed to feel loved and supported; that the other person would help bail you out if you needed it. Maybe it was healthy. She wasn't sure, but she knew she liked how it felt so far.

And, for the first time in a while, she felt a warm feeling bloom through her chest. Hope. It was still too early to fully put her trust in anyone or anything, but it was there. And its presence meant that she was finally mending, finally growing.

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"Shane?" Her voice pulled him out of his work, the brunette standing next to him, anxiously twiddling her fingers and staring intently at them. What had made her so… on edge?

After examining her a for a moment further, he took it back. Not on edge. But anxious. Definitely anxious. He stuck his shovel into the ground with a loud "thump," back and body grateful to have a break from his task of moving and installing the sprinkler systems. They had been working together all morning in silence, though it wasn't uncomfortable. He could tell that she had had a lot on her mind and let her think through it; she would tell him when she was ready.

"Yeah?" He finally answered.

"You know all the stuff I told you about Alan?"

"Yeah," he said, the word clipped as tension filled him. Whenever that asshole was mentioned, nothing good ever seemed to come out of it.

"What do you think of him? Just based on that?"

He blew out a long, hard breath. Shane wasn't really sure what she was thinking, but he knew he needed to choose his words carefully. He used his forearm to wipe some of the sweat dripping down his face. Even though the weather was still cold, the work got him sweating. "I think that he… left you with a lot of problems." He grimaced. That came out badly. "I mean… you have a lot of problems. Because of him."

She nodded thoughtfully, taking a moment to wipe the sweat from her own face. "Marie and Chris call him abusive."

That sent him reeling. It was true; after all, if a man grabbed you too hard, shook you, and made you feel like you weren't allowed any emotions, then no ordinary person would think that was healthy. As he thought through what Liz had told him, he nodded. "It fits." If anything, he was more surprised that people had the balls to tell her that he was, given that she usually idolized the dead man.

"My therapist kept on telling me that, but I didn't want to believe him. I didn't want to think that he was."

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Dead people aren't perfect. Jas's mom wasn't either, you know. She swore and drank a ton; hell, she's probably the one that introduced me to alcohol. But, I still loved her, and I still miss her. Even though he's dead, it's okay to say that he made mistakes, even bad ones."

"I don't regret it, though. I needed to move out from mom and dad's when I did; I would have gone crazy without it. But, he did so much to me that I have to wonder if it was worth it."

"And that's alright," he said awkwardly, scratching the back of his head. "But you can't change what happened. No matter how much you wish you could."

Lizzy nodded in response before picking up her shovel. "Shane…." She paused. "Thank you."

He grunted in response before getting back to work, shovelling dirt over the top of hoses that connected to the sprinklers and the pump down by the lake; it had been a pain in the ass to dig the holes, so this bit was considerably easier. As he glanced at Lizzy, she seemed to be a bit… lighter somehow. As if a huge weight had been taken off of her chest. He wasn't quite sure what she was thinking or how he had helped, but he was glad that she finally seemed to be feeling better; to be getting back to her old self.

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Spring had come and so had the first hectic few months. She had bought every single seed that she could afford, mostly the ones for plants that had several harvests, planted them all, and had free time, for once. She used it to plan out her finances again, finding that she could contract Robin to build her a barn halfway through the season if she budgeted well enough. Either way, she had three times the crops planted this year than last, thanks in part to the sprinklers as well as Shane's help. She credited the majority of it, though, to the fact that she didn't have to clear, well, anything. Her land was finally just dirt that she could till and farm. She would eventually have to look into how to farm on a larger scale; her land was so huge that a staple crop like corn and a tractor to go along with it would really help, but for now, she was alright with exploring her option and seeing what she liked.

Liz's therapist had been delighted by her willingness to talk about Alan with her family and friends. Therapy had gone smoothly once she accepted the fact that she had been abused, that her dead fiancé never had been perfect, and that she may have broken up with him had he not died. Though those facts may have seemed obvious to an outsider looking in, to her, they were marvels. Her shattered personality was slowly being put back together, and she was learning a lot about who she was as a person, so many years after Alan stopped being able to hurt her.

Her relationship with Shane was getting better as a result too. She began to realize how selfish, insecure, and immature she had been to him simply because of her own inexperience and PTSD resulting from Alan's emotional abuse. Now that she was healing, she was able to not read into things too deeply; he had moved back in with Marnie to be there with Jas, not because he hated her. He didn't spend all weekend every weekend with her for the same reason; now that he was getting better himself, he was finally focusing on being a dad to the girl that he loved so deeply. In a way, it made him even more attractive to see him take care of his goddaughter so well. That combined with the fact that the weight he had lost working for her had finally prompted him to throw away that torn, ratty jacket.

Still, she wasn't sure where they stood. And, to be honest, she was too afraid to ask. She was still healing herself, after all. It made her wonder if she should wait until she was more… whole to bring up that subject with him again. Sometimes, though, she caught him staring, and it made her wonder what exactly he saw in her and, if he even liked her, why he didn't try to make a move on his own.

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The happier she was, the more looks she seemed to attract from the men in town. Hell, even Elliot was all over her now, and Shane could have sworn that man was gay. Either way, the brunet wasn't sure how to feel about it. On one hand, he was glad that she was finally making friends and coming out of her shell. She had probably been a lot like this before she met Alan; not an extrovert to say but a genuinely happy and pleasant person to be around. She even managed to charm old George around, and he hated everyone. Her scars were healing inside and out too; he knew that from glancing at her midriff that could be seen whenever she raised her arms to stretch. It relieved him to know how much better she was doing.

But, it also made him jealous. Now that she was, well, herself, it seemed like every man in town wanted some. He knew he wasn't exaggerating either, Marnie having mentioned several times how bold Sebastian, Same, and Alex were with flirting with her while Harvey just tended to stutter and Elliot's normal manner of speaking sounding like something out of a romance novel anyway. It made him uncomfortable to know that she garnered so much attention from men, other men. He wished he knew that she was his so that he wouldn't have to worry over something as stupid as Sebastian stealing away his girlfriend. But, he didn't want to halt her progress. He didn't want to taint her, not now that she was finally getting better. Not like he seemed to taint everything around him. Sure, things were going well for now, but would they always? Or would he make another stupid mistake that would cause of his world to be shattered again? He wasn't sure.

Either way, the bouquet of flowers that she thrust at him, cheeks bright red, surprised him. He grabbed them by the stems and held them awkwardly. They were pretty, an assortment of yellow, orange, and red roses. "Uh…"

"F-For you." She said, just as awkwardly. He hadn't known it was possible, but her face turned even more red before she quickly ducked it and turned, walking back towards the house, leaving him speechless.

And, it didn't stop there. Each day, she seemed to have something for him. Whether it be a toy for Jas, some pizza she made for his lunch break, or even a gift as simple as chocolate bar, she seemed to have something for him. Shane accepted each gift gratefully but only became more and more confused as time passed. She seemed to want something, and he wasn't sure what exactly it was. Either way, after yet another gift from her the week after, he finally decided to do something for her. Marnie had given him an early birthday present of Gridball tickets. He had originally planned to take Jas, but the girl hates sports and would only be going because it would make him happy. Either way, he knocked on her door first thing the next morning, resisting the urge to run a hand through his freshly combed hair. Once she opened it, he had to stare for a moment in awe. He had woken her up, apparently, but she was still beautiful. Her shirt was loose and hanging off on one shoulder. He could make out the outline of her nipples through the shirt, and it made his libido stir in appreciation, though he quickly sent that thought packing. Her shorts showed off her long, tan legs. Yoba her legs were so sexy…

"Shane? Isn't today your day off?" Liz said sleepily, a hand finger combing through brown hair before she let out a huge yarn.

"H-Hey, Liz!" He said, her voice snapping his thoughts back to the present. "Uh… So I got two tickets to the Tunnerlers game tonight." He glanced away for a moment before he met her brown eyes. "If you want to come, meet me at the bus stop around 5pm." Before he could lose his nerve, he turned around and walked back towards Marnie's, heart beating what had to be a million beats per minute. Still, he had asked her. It'd be nice if she came, but if she didn't… Well, he'd know that she wasn't really all that interested in him anyway. It was like what his therapist kept telling him: sometimes, it was better to ask and know than to just keep guessing.

A/N:

Hi everyone! A little over a year ago, I broke up with my version of "Alan" and started dating my "Chris!" The relationship that I was in was incredibly toxic. I gained 90lbs during it and started becoming much more anxious and depressed about life in general. Now that I"m out of the situation, I thought that maybe I'd share what I learned; getting myself out of there was so, so hard, but I'm glad that I did! Even though that meant living with my parents for a little bit to get myself back on my feet. If you are with someone, they should be someone who you can grow with as a person; someone that you feel confident that you would be okay raising your kids with and growing old with, sure, but someone you know will accept you no matter how you change because you'll work with them to always change for the better. That doesn't mean that they have to be perfect, but they should be willing to change for you, and you for them!