Chapter: Twenty One Everything is NOT perfect

"Cheers!" James shouted lifting up the mugs of butterbeer Remus and Peter had sneaked into the dorms under the invisibility cloak, still beaming. Sirius had to admit it was pretty funny, the whole Gryffindor team had to momentarily stop practice to refocus themselves. Still, James didn't have to be quite so obnoxious about it, only referring to Sirius as his 'number one fan', and Remus didn't have to look quite so smug.

"It's nice to be able to do this," Peter sighed, content as he took a big sip from his mug.

Remus had refused to remove Sirius' paint until he removed Peter's. So now Peter had no paint and Sirius still did! Remus was a complete and utter twat.

"This is to celebrate my glowing success on the quidditch team, and Remus' new-found devilish side, of which I completely approve!" James roared, sloshing some of the butterbeer over the side of the mug. Remus blushed looking more like himself than he had in days, before grinning with once more a slight sense of pain to him Sirius couldn't quite place.

"Here's to Sirius' newfound adoration of James," Remus shouted back with mock seriousness. Which caused James to roar with laughter all over again and for Sirius to find his face dark red all over again.

Why wasn't Remus acting sickly? Why wasn't he avoiding them? Why did he seem to be enjoying himself so much and yet….yet seeming so forced as well?

Sirius decided his questions could wait because the sun was setting over Hogwarts from their wonderful spot by the boat dock and the four of them were all at least outwardly ok. So they talked and laughed and ate pasties long into the night. It wasn't until the nearly full moon was high into the sky that Sirius realized all of this felt a little...final.

"Hey Remus….," he wasn't quite sure what he was going to ask only that Sirius suddenly had this tight feeling in his chest along with the feeling he had somehow been tricked or cheated, and it had nothing to do with the paint his little imp of a friend had left on his chest.

Only he didn't get to ask what unformed question had just been breaking through his mind, because Peter had gotten to his feet and was clearing his throat pointedly. James, who really was far too happy, let out a whoop expecting more false toasts each more ludicrous and insulting to one another than the last.

"It's nearly midnight and we're all together and I think now's a good time to tell you my secret."

With that simple statement, the atmosphere shifted suddenly but Sirius couldn't even be frustrated at Peter for being a party pooper, because the cheerful atmosphere had prior suddenly felt quite suffocating.

"Aw come off it Peter we're still celebrating my success," James sighed, acting as if he had single-handedly won the first game for his team, which hadn't even happened yet. It was only a bloody practice!

"I think Peter's right," he pointed out, which caused everyone to look at him with surprise. "Well, I do! So let's hear it, Peter, what's your big scary secret."

At least someone was willing to be transparent with secrets, he thought a bit bitterly.

"Can we go back to the dorm first then?" Remus asked, keeping his gaze firmly on the ground for some reason. He suddenly seemed pale and nervous and it was sort of concerning, but it was so sincerely Remus that it almost made Sirius feel better.

"No here's fine," he protested just for the hell of it, and maybe because he was just a bit cross with Remus.

"Well I…" Peter waited until they were looking at him then he paced around seeming very anxious and Sirius was forced to wonder if he had misjudged the severity of Peter's secret after all.

"Would you feel more comfortable if we talk back in the dorm Peter?" Remus asked kindly, and in his usual gentle tone without a hint of the sarcasm and mockery he'd had in his tone so much these past days.

"Er….er yeah," Peter admitted, and as they packed up Sirius swore he heard Remus sigh in relief.

They walked back in striking silent contrast to the jovial atmosphere that had been with them on their travel out of the castle, which had nearly resulted in them being caught.

"We need a better name," James said abruptly as they were actually nearing the castle.

"Well yeah….but none of us can come up with something cool."

"We just don't have the right motivation," James argued and proceeded to announce haughtily the challenge of coming up with a cool group name to them all, with the reward being his signed autograph.

"Piss off Potter," Sirius laughed a bit tensely, but he did think James was onto something.

"How about you offer up the invisibility cloak for a whole week as a result," Peter suggested.

"A whole week! No way. You grubby little children would ruin it," James huffed, sounding deeply offended.

"Then I guess we'll never have a good group name," Sirius replied with as much nonchalance as he could muster.

"Fine...fine but only three days," James relented and they spent the rest of the time in the passageway arguing to increase the amount of time. By the time they reached their dorm they had all switched to discussing what they would do with invisibility for days and days.

"I'd go flying and spend all night out there so I could become better than a certain annoying new Quidditch member!" Sirius replied eagerly, earning a teasing grin from James.

"Good thinking Sirius, you could definitely get better than Dorcas."

Sirius rolled his eyes at James who stuck his tongue out at him, both of them knowing who he had actually been referring to.

"I'd go to the Forbidden Forest since I missed it last time," Peter announced proudly.

"Oh come on Peter!"

"Yeah, you have to be honest mate."

"I bet he'd stalk poor Marlene, don't you think so Sirius?"

"Quite right Potter. He's still hopelessly in love."

"I'm not in love she's just pr….pretty and nice."

Sirius and James laughed at their blushing friend who hadn't actually denied he would stalk her.

"What about you Remus, you've been awfully quiet?"

"Oh you don't need to ask him, Sirius, we all know he'd just spend his time in the library studying."

"Or I'd spend the day making sure Peter didn't stalk Marlene even if he didn't have the cloak," Remus replied, somewhat weakly. They all laughed at that but Sirius didn't even see the faintest trace of a smile on Remus' face as they entered their dorms and piled onto, as was tradition, Remus' bed.

Sirius was sure to scoop up Elvis beforehand and squeezed himself tightly, sitting beside Remus whose reaction he could better gauge when he could physically feel him flinch. Plus, they were already getting a little too big to fit comfortably onto one bed without either squishing Elvis, who Sirius demanded had a nice circle of freedom to roam with his adorable clumsiness, or themselves, which really remained the only option.

"SO what on bloody earth is it Peter?"

"My dad's in Azkaban."

The quiet, rushed pronouncement led to dead silence in which Sirius realized he had indeed bloody underestimated Peter's news.

"I'm sorry mate, that…"

"Peter, is it alright if we ask why?" Remus asked softly, in a voice that implied he was all too aware of the fact Peter's dad might be in Azkaban for hurting his own family. Sirius was all too aware of that as well and felt rather dizzy. But Peter didn't look terribly upset, in fact, he seemed quite pleased to have all of them so focused on him.

"Well…...he enchanted a Muggle's horse barn so that our horses would win the prize and status."

"Oh is that all!" Sirius exclaimed, deeply relieved.

"That's your big news Peter geez," James scoffed, perhaps still a bit irked that their celebration of 'him' was interrupted for this.

"No that's not all!" Peter snapped defensively, his beady eyes looking at all of them. "He also used an unforgivable curse on my mom….and me….."

Oddly Peter sounded unsure about this. But then again if he had been under the Imperius curse then maybe he was made to forget?

"Peter I'm so sorry…..was….did he hurt you badly?" Remus asked, concerned, and sad.

"Very badly!" Peter stated with a sort of pride that made Sirius a bit suspicious of how truthful he was being.

"Will he be gone long then?" James asked, now sounding impressed, and worried himself.

"Only for another year. But my mum might not let him back," Peter sounded very sad about this, which again was really weird if his dad had hurt him.

"Well, that's probably for the best right? I mean you must be afraid of him," Sirius pointed out trying not to sound too irked.

"No! Well….I mean…...he's still my dad….and….and I'm just that brave of a Gryffindor."

Sirius frowned as Peter stammered his explanation. He felt a bit bad about it but he felt like Peter was lying. Only surely his friend wouldn't do that. Why on earth would he lie anyways?

No, Sirius probably just didn't want to believe yet another one of his friends had shitty parents.

"Blimey mate I guess you really are," James admitted sounding in awe. "What did he do to you?"

"James!" Remus exclaimed, sounding offended. "You can't just ask that. Peter you don't have to answer."

"It's ok I want to."

"You….you want to?" Remus asked, sounding dubious, "You don't have to Peter if it's hard to talk about," he assured Peter, with a grave tone that made him sound much older and more mature than he was.

"Well….it's hard. But you guys are my friends... and we shouldn't keep anything from each other," Peter explained, with only a slightly longer look at Remus before he went back to looking mostly at James for approval.

Could Peter be lying in an attempt to subtly guilt Remus into telling them?

It seemed a little too devious and brilliant for Peter, but as his brave friend started talking about the Cruciatus Curse being used on him in graphic detail, Sirius felt a little too sick to care.

"Excuse me," he muttered and dashed to the bathroom barely making it in time to throw up into the toilet feeling suddenly very shaky.

It felt absolutely humiliating to get so upset when Peter was being so damn brave about talking about it, but Sirius could remember the pain. Could clearly recall the excruciating pain so vividly to this day. He had never been caught alone with Bellatrix again after that, and he knew she had been punished, though not nearly as much as she should have been.

But the way he had spasmed on the ground screaming until his mother had come running had been one of the worst moments of his life, even though his mother had actually slapped Bellatrix as a result.

It had been two whole years ago, but as he clutched the toilet trying not to throw up again, it really felt like it had been only yesterday.

...

Remus was finding it hard to breathe as Peter explained being tortured as if he had read it from some book. When Sirius had excused himself tensely to go to the bathroom Remus had mumbled an excuse about it being hot and stumbled to the window sticking his head outside to take deep breaths.

He tried not to recall it, tried not to think about the pain. It made his monthly transformations seem laughable and those were already excruciating. He wanted to blame his parents but they had thought it would help him, that it would "take away the werewolf" as if it was somehow his fault. As if he was somehow consciously choosing to let the werewolf be a part of him.

So they flew him to Russia, where such experimentations were still legal. Try as he might to be mad at his mom and dad though, he had seen their ashen faces as five wizards held him down. He had watched them both sob and stop the experiment before it reached the point where he was driven mad, as apparently had happened with other test subjects.

"Peter….I think you should stop now." He heard James say and tried to calm down but it hadn't just been that time as his mother sobbed and his father assured her that the Russian Wizards of Strange Ailments knew what they were doing, before they both realized they didn't.

No, darker than that still was the shadow….was Greyback, Remus could hardly remember but he was sure that man had cast the same vile curse at him, at least once.

As he stood, more like leaned heavily against the window frame trying not to remember, he could almost feel his hand on…..

"AH!"

"Sorry Remus...bloody hell sorry," James replied quickly, sounding guilty. Just then the bathroom door slammed open and Sirius came storming out looking ready to murder someone.

"James….help….Peter…." Remus managed to whisper and James rushed to jump on the bed letting Remus' knees give out so that he sank to the ground gasping.

"YOU VILE PIGHEADED MORONIC BLOODY ARSE!" Sirius roared pointing his wand at Peter, or at James standing in front of Peter.

"Sirius calm down."

"NO! HE WAS LYING THERE'S NO WAY! NO WAY HE'S EXPERIENCED THAT BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T HAVE SOUNDED SO BLOODY PROUD OF IT YOU FUCKING BOLLOCK SUCKING WANKER!" Sirius had to gasp for breath still looking shaky and Remus wished he had the energy to go to him. But his legs wouldn't work and he was almost a little grateful for Sirius' yelling since it was making it easier for him not to go back to that dark place.

"Sirius you don't know that," James protested, though he sounded unsure himself now that Peter was trembling and crying, the small boy pressed against the bed frame looking very frightened.

"COURSE I DO BECAUSE I'VE ACTUALLY HAD IT USED ON ME, UNLIKE THIS TOSSER!"

"Blimey," James exclaimed, sounding horrified, and it looked like his knees almost buckled as well.

"I'm sorry!" Peter wailed, unable to keep in his guilt any longer. "I didn't know it would upset you and Remus so much I just wanted to be cool and important and you guys didn't even care my dad's in Azkaban until I made up stuff!"

Remus felt ill at being called out since he would have liked to avoid the implications of the statement altogether.

He considered jumping out a window again as Sirius' dark eyes turned to him and softened at whatever they saw. Remus had never wanted to throttle his friends more than he wanted to throttle Peter at that moment. Apparently, Sirius felt the same because after finding whatever he had been looking for in Remus, who probably looked as ill as Sirius did, he rounded back on Peter who James had stopped protecting.

"COOL? YOU THINK IT'S COOL TO BE TORTURED, YOU BASTARD! THEN I'LL SHOW YOU JUST HOW….."

"WOAH SIRIUS TAKE A WALK!" James shouted, grabbing Sirius' raised arm which was shaking.

"NO! I WANT TO CURSE HIM INTO NEXT WEEK. HOW DARE HE!"

"HE DIDN'T KNOW. SO CALM DOWN!"

Suddenly the door to their dorm flung open, which Remus had been dreading would happen since they started yelling and a scowling Frank Longbottom regarded them coolly. He was still dressed in his pajamas because unlike them he was a reasonable bloke who no doubt went to bed at a decent hour.

"If you don't shut up I'll curse you all into…What's wrong?" he asked, his features melting into their usual kind expression, taking into account the odd scene before him. Remus who was hunched by the open window, no doubt looked like he might hurl. James who was still grabbing Sirius' arm who looked like he might either retch or murder someone, and to top it off Peter who was sobbing and shaking.

"Would you believe me if I said we were enacting a play?" James offered with his best winning smile, which it seemed, Frank was currently immune to.

"I'm going to get Professor McGonagall. Black, come with me. And the rest of you don't move."

Sirius opened his mouth to protest, a gleam of anger and defiance in his eyes which Frank quickly squashed with an uncharacteristic yet impressive 'I dare you to so much speak a word' look.

Unable to protest under that withering gaze Sirius followed Frank, shooting one last angry and hurt look at Peter before he followed after the prefect. As Frank and Sirius left, they were gawked at by the boys in the other room who were standing in the hall whispering about what on earth could have happened between the culprits.

"Mind your own business," James muttered, and closed the door before rounding on Peter himself. "Explain why I shouldn't let Sirius hex you into next week?"

"I'm so sorry James, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I swear I just…...just wanted you all to actually pay attention to me."

"Yeah well Sirius will be paying a lot of attention to you when he hexes you," James scowled, making Peter flinch and press himself even more firmly into the headboard.

"I wasn't lying about it all. My dad really is in Azkaban but you sounded irritated at me James and implied it wasn't even that big of a deal when it was a big deal to me," Peter protested weakly.

"Well, now I'm pissed at you. We're probably all going to get detentions and I haven't the faintest idea what to tell McGonagall when she arrives….."

Remus normally would have come to Peter's defense only he was too upset at the sobbing boy at the moment to do so. They waited in a tense silence, James giving Remus a considering look, but perhaps feeling too guilty about scaring him to question him. Instead resigning himself to letting Remus be.

"All of you on your feet. I have never had such an outrageous display from boys in their own dorm!" Professor McGonagall reprimanded severely.

Sirius who was standing by her side, now just looked pale and tired. It seemed Frank had filled her in because it took her no time at all to demand why on earth Sirius had been pointing his wand at Peter.

"Mr. Black has opted not to tell me and will, therefore, be joining me in detention for a month. Mr. Lupin I said on your feet!" she snapped angrily, still dressed in her nightgown, dark strands of hair sticking from out of her nightcap, too angry to realize Remus physically could not stand. Luckily she was also too upset to regard him too closely so he was able to remain on the ground. Truly the majority of her anger was directed at Sirius, who stood head hung but looking very defiant indeed.

"Still no answer Mr. Black? Then two months of detention for you and you'll take no part in the festivities surrounding our visitors this year. In fact, I think I might have to write to your mother about this incident."

Remus winced, that was hardly playing fair. She finally had Sirius' attention now, and he turned to gape at her in disbelief.

"Don't Professor McGon..." Peter spoke up, jumping as she turned her stern gaze to him.

"Are you telling me what to do Mr. Pettigrew? Perhaps you'd like to join Mr. Black in detention?"

"I….I only mean it was my fault Professor McGonagall…."

Remus glanced at Peter in shock and horror. He wasn't going to honestly tell their Professor what had happened, would he? Remus could see the anger turn to fear on Sirius' features which he tried and failed to school.

"Explain Mr. Pettigrew before I grow less tolerant and give you all detentions. Mr. Lupin on your feet!" she barked again and Remus had no choice but to pitifully grasp the window sill and try to heave himself upwards.

"Mr. Lupin are you alright?" Professor McGonnagal's tone turned abruptly to concern.

"Y…..yes ma'am….I just…..a bit faint is all. Didn't eat enough," he explained and accepted gratefully James' hand who helped pull him up and let him lean on him to keep him steady on his feet as McGonagall regarded him carefully.

"Very well. Proceed, Mr. Pettigrew." At least she sounded calmer now and that seemed to, unfortunately, help Peter find his voice.

"I told a terribly hurtful lie Professor McGonigallMcGonnagal," Peter explained in a shaky voice not seeming to notice the pleading look Sirius was shooting at him from slightly behind their Professor.

"And what lie was that?" Professor McGonigallMcGonnagal asked in a tone that suggested she couldn't think of a single lie that would justify Sirius' reaction.

"I….I told Sirius…..told him that I saw that his family…..were death eaters," Peter explained sounding deeply ashamed. Remus was greatly relieved that he hadn't told the truth and a bit shocked he had come up with a lie that seemed doable.

"Mr. Pettigrew such an accusation is terribly offensive."

"I know Professor I'm sorry...I just…..I was mad at Sirius and I wanted to hurt him…" Peter finished a bit lamely. But Professor McGonigallMcGonnagal seemed to be deciding what to do with the new information and didn't notice the edge of uncertainly to Peter's confession.

"We won't tolerate that sort of talk amongst our students. I'm especially disappointed in you as head of your house, Pettigrew. I think that you will be the one joining me in detention for two weeks and Mr. Black while I can understand why you were so upset that does not excuse you responding in violence."

"Technically he hadn't actually responded in…"

"Mr. Potter! You will do well to stay out of this!"

James sighed in defeat, giving Sirius a small smile and a subtle hand gesture that Remus had forgotten they did entirely and which he was pretty sure meant 'I tried'.

"As I was saying it does not excuse you almost resorting to violence. I'm giving you detention with me tomorrow night and for a week after. I don't want any complaints or I will give you more than that."

Remus wasn't sure why that made Sirius so upset or why he exchanged a look of utmost despair with James before wisely mumbling 'yes Professor'. She regarded them all once more with a heavy sigh.

"I understand times are uncertain boys but you must stay unified together as Dumbledore rightfully reminds us. 10 points from Gryffindor for failing to do so. Don't let it happen again."

She nodded to herself looking tired and closed the door disappearing with a sharp "Get back into your beds" to whoever had come out of their room to hear.

"Sirius I really am sorry….," Peter began but Sirius raised a hand to cut him off.

"If you had let me get all those detentions for something you did wrong you'd be dead to me. You aren't forgiven yet Pettigrew, not even close."

"I think we should all actually get some sleep," James sighed when he realized Peter wasn't going to respond with more groveling and apologizing. James helped Remus into his bed and they all heavily collapsed into their respective beds.

Remus was really surprised he had avoided any questions and a bit suspicious over the fact as well. But he supposed everyone was tired, none of them actually liked being seriously angry with one another, so it was a heavy atmosphere they all laid in.

"Hey Remus?" came Sirius' soft whisper. Remus considered ignoring him and pretending he was already asleep, even if that would be a stretch, but Sirius sounded like he was crying.

"Yeah?"

"Can…..."

Remus waited, the long silence stretching, and shifted slightly in his bed pulling back his blinds so he could see Sirius who, as always, had not pulled the blinds around his bed.

"I….I thought I was actually going to try… like Bella…..I….I don't want to be like them," Sirius whispered so softly Remus could barely hear him.

"You aren't. You wouldn't have, Sirius, not really."

"How can you be certain?"

"Because I know you. Because Sirius Black is my friend who had a right to be mad but who wouldn't have actually hurt Peter."

"But I wanted to."

"I know. But wanting something doesn't mean doing something."

"I…..I guess that's true. It just…..Peter came up with that lie so fast and he's not especially clever. ….Do you think…..do you think he thinks that my family are death eaters?"

"Do you?" Remus asked sadly, feeling a great deal of sympathy for his friend.

"...yeah…..I think so…... I don't know. They certainly believe in what Voldemort is doing..."

"I hope they aren't Sirius. But even if they are you aren't them. You're nothing like them."

Remus had to fight back sleep, his body exhausted and sore already, with tomorrow looming over him. But his friend needed him so he kept reopening his drooping eyes, sitting up so he didn't nod off. Sirius looked at him gratefully seeming to understand the effort it took from him.

"Well….I don't know that I'm nothing like them. We Blacks are notoriously gorgeous people."

Remus gave a snort of amusement.

"Hey, Remus?"

"Yeah?" he answered feeling his stomach drop. Sirius was going to ask him now and he felt far too tired and grumpy to come up with some lie.

He just wanted to sleep!

"Is it stupid if I ask to hold your hand? That doesn't make me a swot does it?"

He bit back a sigh of relief and settled down into his bed again making sure Sirius could see his smile in the bright moonlight.

"It most definitely does," Remus whispered as he stretched out his hand, waiting. Sirius let out his own scoff of amusement then his hand found Remus' and gave it a squeeze.

Remus had wanted his last night of his friends blissfully not hounding him about his secrets to end with laughter and games, and possibly no sleeping. But as he fell asleep with Sirius fingers interlocked in his he decided this was a pretty nice alternative.