A/N: It's been a while. Life has been unbelievably difficult the past month., but thank you for hanging in there and patiently waiting. For this chapter, you will notice it is substantially shorter than my usually much longer chapters within this story. However, I didn't want this chapter to get too long-winded so as not to lose the attention of the reader. Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing. There are 2 chapters remaining for this story and maybe a short epilogue to close out this year-long journey. Thanks.
Chapter 23: Forgiveness, Redemption, and Grace, Part I
He wasn't sure how long he'd been parked on the side street, hardly knowing the reason why he drove here. Two months since it happened. Two months without a word. Two months without a single phone call or text. Two months being the recipient of her crushing silence and her heartbreaking absence.
Every morning was the same, a terrible repetition of habit and mind-numbing routine. Wake up. Stare at the blank white ceiling, watching the ceiling fan blades swirling in a hypnotizing sphere. Listen intently for any sound from the apartment below, disproving that it was empty. Steep hot tea and sit blankly before the piano, fingers and hands wanting to create but no music would come. Scroll idly through old photos and a multitude of old text messages. Then apprehensively look through the photos from that night. Pictures the police had taken of the crime scene. Pictures of the injuries sustained. Sights landing upon the last photo from the recital: the two of them together, embracing on the stage immediately after the performance. Love, happiness, laughter, family: all the things he had ever wanted in his life were finally his that night. Until it was all violently ripped away.
It was the day before Independence Day, and there Erik sat in the used car he bought just a few weeks after graduation. He lost count of how many times he attempted to get out of the car and walk up to the apartment building and asked to be buzzed up. What am I doing here? He questioned after slamming the car door shut. Just go up there. The worst thing that happens is you're kicked to the curb. "Fine," Erik mumbled to himself and opened the car door once again. It was a familiar walk but usually one with Christine by his side. But this walk felt different, because it was different. She wasn't here. As Erik's finger traced over Nadir's name and over the buzzer, he froze. "What's the use?" he mumbled and began walking back to his car. Sure they had sent a few messages the days following the attack, but as the recovery process began to take hold, communication fell off by the both of them rather quickly. One thing, however, was for certain: the concern for her emotional and mental well-being was heavy.
Christine responded with canned replies to text messages in the immediate days following the attack. Everyone noticed that after a week, she stopped responding altogether. And when she did, the responses were always the same: I'm ok. Thank you for checking. She wasn't fine. She wasn't ok. She wasn't even responding to Nadir's texts and phone calls. About a month after the attack, as interviews with the police were still happening, Erik called Nadir practically in tears. "Mr. Khan, I'm so sorry for everything. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say."
"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Erik, it's ok. Breathe," Nadir tried to lighten the sorrow with a chuckle but released a shaky sigh instead. "It's not your fault, Erik."
"Is she…" he swallowed hard. "Have you... ?" Erik grew more exasperated as words failed him.
Another sigh and Erik heard Nadir's voice crack. "I honestly don't know, Erik. She's been very silent. I try to check in on her but it's always the same delayed response saying she's fine, but…"
"She's not, is she?"
Erik reached the sidewalk, replaying the phone conversation over and over in his head. After that phone call, Erik felt it best to give Nadir space and time. Time supposedly heals all wounds; but these new wounds, would they ever heal at all?
A quiet voice from behind gradually grew more audible, "I really wish you would've let me pick you up from the airport instead of taking transit. The Philly airport isn't really the friendly-... Erik?" Erik turned to find Nadir walking next to a very handsome young man toting an Army green duffle on his back. "Erik, is that you?"
Erik swallowed hard to clear the lump in his throat, shielding his masked face away from the young man beside Nadir. "I'm sorry, Mr. Khan, I shouldn't have come, shouldn't have intruded. Forgive me, sir." Erik quickly stepped off the curb and fumbled with his keys when he felt a firm hand rest upon his shoulder.
"Wait, wait, Erik." Erik turned to find Nadir standing incredibly close, eyes red and burning with tears. "I'm really glad you're here."
"You are?"
"Yes, I am, but uh, she's not here, Erik" Nadir replied and extended a handshake. Erik nodded, already knowing she was gone. He peered over Nadir's shoulder at the young man standing on the sidewalk, a gentle look upon his face. "Erik, this is Jeremy Loughlin. Jeremy, Erik Destler."
A thud from the duffle bag hit the sidewalk as Jeremy released the straps and extended a hand towards Erik. "So, you're Erik Destler," he said gently with a smile, "I've heard so much about you, and it's a great pleasure to finally meet you." Erik hesitantly accepted the gesture and nodded.
"Forgive me, but how… do you know who I am?"
"Looks like we have a lot of catch up on. Come on inside, gentlemen," Nadir said as he ushered Erik and Jeremy up to the apartment building.
Once inside the apartment, Erik sat at the couch opposite of Nadir and Jeremy, fidgeting nervously with the velcro straps of his wrist brace, yet another tangible reminder of the attack. He heard Jeremy chuckle quietly and looked up to find this man eyeing him thoughtfully, "You fidget like Christine does, yet another similarity between you two."
Just the sound of her name made Erik wince in pain. This was torture. Who was this man, and how is it that he knew Christine and Nadir so well? Nadir must have noticed as he placed cups of cold water on the coffee table and sat down. "I apologize, Erik, I didn't realize you'd be here today. I know you're racking your brain trying to put this puzzle together. You already know that after the trial, we moved to Tucson. That's where we met Jeremy."
The story unfolded before Erik as he listened intently and hung on every detail. He watched Jeremy carefully as he added details and his role in their lives. And that's when it dawned on Erik: the video Liliana sent to him. The fuzzy, low quality video from a coffee shop of Christine singing. The young man at the piano was Jeremy. The pieces started coming together, and the history of the lost years of his beloved unfolded. It was starting to make sense.
"So when Nadir called me two weeks ago, I knew I had to come. Him and Christine are like family. Emmi, my wife, knows everything, too, so she practically pushed me out the door to get me here," Jeremy said, looking at Nadir who smiled sadly. "I'm relieved we've been back from our mission trip so I could be here now."
"I'm relieved you're here, too, Jeremy. My concern for her has been growing unbearable, and she's been in complete silence for too long. She hasn't been responding to calls or texts. And I've been very apprehensive about just showing up to the house unannounced, but I think it's time," Nadir confessed.
Erik swallowed a gulp of the cold liquid. "Is that where she is? The house in the woods?"
Nadir nodded in affirmation then shook his head regrettably. The war was brewing deep within him and his anger was palpable. He stood from the recliner and staggered to the balcony doors, his fists balled with tension. An abrupt crack of his hand smacked the wall and the young men heard the audible growl, "Son of bitch!" He slid the sliding door closed behind him and grabbed his pipe from the table on the balcony. Plumes of grey smoke slithered around his body. Erik immediately crumbled into himself, feeling that Nadir's anger was aimed at him.
Jeremy observed and carefully added to Erik, "It's not you, his anger is not at you. He blames himself, not you." Erik glared at Jeremy. How could he know? He wasn't there! He wasn't there the first time, experiencing the whole damn accident, minute by minute, second by second, and the reckoning thereafter. And he wasn't there this time either, and he wasn't the recipient of the violence nor the heartache. "Is there something you want to tell me, Erik? There's more to your story than I've been told. Tell me what happened."
Erik exploded with anger. "Who the hell do you think you are? You know NOTHING!" He paced like a caged tiger. "And don't you dare give me 'everything happens in God's timing' shit either, dear Chaplain. After EVERYTHING she has been through, everything I myself have been through, do NOT presume to tell me about HOPE. The only hope right now is death." He staggered angrily towards the front door, wanting to escape when a thunderous voice behind him froze him in his tracks.
"ERIK! Stop right there," Nadir commanded. "You're not leaving. And I cannot bear to have another kid of mine disappear and vanish into the wind. I simply cannot bear it."
"Sir, you speak in riddles," Erik seethed under his breath. "And I am not a child; I am no one's child." He began to crumble once again, all those horrific memories from those terrible years of his youth smashing into the present like a speeding truck losing control on a lonely and deserted highway. "No more, no more, no more," he whispered repeatedly under his breath, willing the memories away, his body shook with anger and sorrow and hatred. The burdens he carried, taking the responsibility of the actions of the others, were crushing him downward worse than at any other point in his life. His bones ached; his heart ripped open with blood spilling out. Choking on the knot deep within his throat. His wrist burned as he caught his weight to prevent his body from collapsing onto the floor. "No more, no more…"
Nadir was at his side, at a loss on what to do. "It's alright, son, it's ok."
"How can you possibly say that? I am no one's son, not after what I am and what I've become." The tears began to fall. "Nadir, I loved her. I love her, I love her. I wanted to ask for your permission to marry her, but I failed both of you yet again. I failed you the first time, and I've continued to fail you. Oh God!" Tears he could no longer hold back escaped and flooded his face. He collapsed into Nadir's embrace. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…" he stuttered out between his sobs.
"It's ok, shhh, it's ok. My boy, it's ok," Nadir comforted while his own tears poured out.
Jeremy sat in stillness, his own emotions cutting through his usually stoic facade. He pressed his folded hands to his forehead and whispered a small prayer. "Lord, I humbly come to you now, fill me with the Holy Spirit. Let your love and truth and forgiveness guide my words. Give me strength and wisdom in this hour of need. Father please be with us. I pray for your healing today. Be with Erik, be with Christine, and be with Nadir as they face a painfully difficult road ahead. In your ever loving name, to your grace and honor. Amen."
Erik looked at Jeremy in utter shock, "Who do you think you are… offering pointless pleas to a God who never listens, who never cares, who permits horror and evil and terror? How dare you?!"
Jeremy simply turned and locked onto Erik's eyes. Instead of offering a look of anger and insult, Erik was shocked to see kindness, gentleness, and sadness. "Because we live in such a broken world, Erik, a world that has abandoned God, relying on its own power to rule over good and evil. You're not the first to ask those questions, and you will not be the last. If you permit me, I want to hear your story, Erik. I know you've been holding on to a past of pain. I'm here…"
"What, as a chaplain? A pastor?" Erik spat back.
"No, as a friend; as a brother," Jeremy offered with an outstretched hand. "Let's start from the beginning," he said as they sat with a collective sigh.
Erik took a shaky breath, "Alright."
"Those are my kids, let me through! Move, damn it!" Nadir yelled through gritted teeth. He pushed his way through to find Erik crumpled on the cold concrete wincing in pain, deep cuts up on his unmasked face. His eyes panned the scene to find an unconscious Kevin lying completely still, his face splattered with blood. Glistening sparkles caught his peripheral and his head suddenly turned and found a small creature cowering in fetal position a few steps above the carnage. Her hands covered in deep bruises and coated with blood, blood trickling a deep cut on her head; but the most startling appearance was how frail she looked, her usually brilliant emerald green eyes had lost their glow and became lifeless. The dark circles under her eyes seemed to appear from nowhere. But it was the distant, lost look of her eyes that made Nadir stop cold.
"She's in shock," Nadir muttered. But no one was helping her. "She's in shock, damn it, someone HELP HER!" Paramedics jumped in as Nadir shifted focus to Erik who attempted to stand but immediately fell back onto the floor. "Erik, be still, don't move, it's gonna be ok…"
"I'm so sorry, oh Nadir, I'm so sorry… I'm so… dizzy," Erik stuttered.
"Shhh, be still," Nadir soothed. "I need help over here!" More paramedics shuffled through the chaos and attended to Erik. Nadir watched helplessly as Erik was placed on the gurney.
"Stay with her," Erik pleaded as they wheeled him out to the ambulance on the street below . Nadir stood watch as the paramedic lifted Christine onto the gurney. Her eyes never came into focus, turned downward in a lost and foreign stare. Her eyelids blinked achingly slow, never making eye contact with anyone around her.
# # #
"Because you lost consciousness, we would like to admit you overnight for observation. The hairline fracture, from what we can see from the scans, is extremely minor but you will have discomfort for a few weeks. We can send you home tomorrow with a cane for stability," the doctor in the ICU rattled off methodically to Erik. "We'll get the nurse in here to set the cast on your wrist."
Erik couldn't care less about his diagnosis. The only thing he wanted to hear was an update on Christine. No one could tell him anything. "Nadir?" Erik called out as he watched the man frantically pass by, searching. He stopped in his tracks at the sound of Erik's voice.
"Oh Erik, thank God I found you," Nadir said as he walked in. "How are you, son? Are you ok?"
"They need to keep me overnight since I lost consciousness after the fall. Hairline fracture on my pelvis, broken wrist." He fell into a shy quietness before asking the inevitable, "How is she?"
The look on Nadir's face swept downward in worry, "Thankfully no broken bones. A few deep cuts needing stitches, scrapes and bumps and bruises, some worse on her hands and arms but they say she might be able to go home tonight."
"Might?"
"She's… not really saying much. She asked me to leave the room when the police came in to ask her questions."
It was a collective release of breath as Nadir and Jeremy sat utterly still, not daring to say a word as Erik brought a shaking palm to his temple and pressed it firmly to find some relief from the pounding headache. His face wet from his tears. "And now, here I am, sitting with a man who sees me as a son and another man who sees me as…"
"As a brother," Jeremy quickly yet calmly filled in the sentence.
"What should I do now? Tell someone else? Apologize and offer myself up?" Erik asked, looking to Nadir for advice and counsel.
"Honestly, Erik? I doubt that was the end result because if it was indeed, then they would have found you. I don't believe you have blood on your hands," Nadir responded and looked to Jeremy.
"I think you already know what you need to do. Make amends and extend forgiveness to your mother. It's the only way for you to find peace. I can help you if you want, but most importantly, lean on Him and sincerely ask for His guidance. It's not your fault, however, the only way to move forward is to grant forgiveness because He has already forgiven you," Jeremy offered.
"I hate that you're right," Erik replied with a sad chuckle.
With a sigh, Nadir stood and went to the bedroom. When he returned, he held a very small box in his hand. "Erik, come out on the balcony with me please." Erik swallowed nervously as he sat down beside Nadir. Thunder rumbled in the distance as the sweet smell of rain perfumed the earth. He placed the small box in Erik's hand and watched him open it carefully. There, sparkling up at him, was a three-stone diamond ring. Erik snapped his eyes up and locked on to Nadir's. He was speechless. "Three stones," Nadir began, "past, present, and future. This was Marie's engagement ring, Christine's mother. Before Gus died, he made me promise to give Marie's engagement ring to the young man who I deemed worthy of our girl." Tears glistened his eyes as Erik choked back on his own tears. "You have my permission and my blessing. And through me, you have both Gus's and Marie's permission and blessing, too," Nadir finally said and held Erik's hand. "When the time is right, you'll both know it."
It was well past midnight when the three men welcomed slumber. As Erik laid awake on the living room couch, he stared at the ceiling watching the raindrops reflect from the streetlights below. The precious ring held gently between his fingers as he watched the diamonds dance in sparkles in the soft light. He glanced over to the digital clock on the oven and sighed. "Forgiveness, redemption… and grace," he whispered as he got up and grabbed a few blank pieces of paper. He sat at the dining room table and began to write.
# # #
Morning came quickly and the Independence Day sunrise blasted hot light into the guest room where Jeremy awoke. The smell of coffee wafted strongly from the kitchen. He opened the bedroom door and observed Nadir sitting at the table, reading intently from the paper before him. "Nadir, is everything alright?" Jeremy asked.
Nadir handed Jeremy the letter Erik had written. Please give this to Christine when you see her. I hope and pray she will find the answers she deserves from me. I'll be in touch in a few days. Thank you both for being the family I now know I deserve. All my love, Erik.
"So," Jeremy concluded, "we go to see Christine then? Tomorrow?"
"No," Nadir reflected, "we go today."