.
.
Two Doofus Ricks sit in the middle of a coffee shop. They look exactly alike except for the small yellow ring around one Doofus Rick's finger. It gleams in the light as he gestures.
J-19-Zeta-7 bends forward, looking at J-19-Omega-12's ring. "Do you want to see?" Omega-12 asks. Zeta-7 flushes, about to apologize for staring, when Omega-12 smiles kindly and slips off the ring. "There's an inscription inside the band," Omega-12 says. J-19 takes the ring and holds it inside.
"I-is that your anniversary?" J-19 asks. He sees the small, delicate numbers engraved on the inside of the band.
"Yeah! Diane suggested it, so I wouldn't forget."
J-19 grins and hands the ring back to him.
A barista calls out, "order for Rick!" and Omega-12 rises apologetically: unlike Omega-12, Zeta-7 told the barista to use "Ricardo" on the cup - when they ordered, they both froze when the barista asked them what names to use, when J-19 blurted out, "Ricardo." ("Wait, a-a-are you sure?" Omega-12 said. "Y-you can use Rick, I can use Ricardo."
"I-I mean, it's your universe," J-19 said. "Technically you're the Rick over here.")
A couple grad students walk into the shop as Omega-12 sits down. "Oh my god, Dr. Sanchez! I didn't know you have a twin!" she says. Omega-12 smiles.
"H-hi, Ruby! Y-yeah. This is my counterpart...he-he's also Dr. Sanchez."
"Hello," J-19 says, smiling. The grad students smile and shake his hand.
"Oh my god, Dr. Sanchez, this is gonna sound totally weird, but...can we take a picture?" one of the grad students says. "We didn't know you guys were twins!"
"Sure," Omega-12 says, and he and J-19 smile as they take their picture.
"Can you, can you send it to me?" Omega-12 says, and the grad student nods, grinning, and texts it to his phone.
"Wow," Omega-12 says. J-19 peers over his shoulder.
Twin Doofus Ricks, smiling over cups of coffee - it's actually not bad a picture.
"You know, I know them both i-i-in my universe," J-19 says, as the grad students leave. "Actually, in my universe, they started dating."
"Really?" Omega-12 says. "Gosh, my colleagues and I always suspected...I-I-I wonder if my grad students are dating too."
They talk. Besides the wedding ring, there are other slight differences: Zeta-7 drinks his coffee black, while Omega-12 opts for a latte amped up with extra sugar packets; Omega-12's wallet is filled with pictures of his family while Zeta-7's wallet is empty.
"So, so, so how did you end up with Diane?" Zeta-7 says.
"Oh," Omega-12 says, smiling. "She asked me."
"Really?"
"Yeah! I-I-I was so surprised. She asked me for a cup of coffee a-a-and we went out on a date."
"Wow, that's so interesting! My Diane never talked to me, and I-I-I was too nervous to talk to her."
They hold their cups, mirror images of each other except for the wedding band on one Doofus Rick's hand.
"Actually," Omega-12 says, quietly. "Sometimes, I-I get kind of lonely." J-19 lifts his eyes.
Omega-12's hands take the shape of his coffee cup. His eyes grow distant and hazy. "Losing Diane was the worst thing in my entire life," Omega-12 says. "I wish she weren't the one who died. I wish it had been me."
"I'm sorry," J-19 says, but Omega-12 shakes his head.
"As much as it hurts now, I was lucky enough to be with her. I-I can't imagine what my life would be like, you know, i-if I'd never been with her."
They look at their cups, silently.
"Jesus," someone says, and the two Doofus Ricks look up. C-137 Rick is standing behind them. "What the fuck, this is like the most depressing scene in the coffee shop. W-w-w-what do you two dipshits have to cry for? Did someone shit in your latte?"
"Hi Rick," Zeta-7 says, smiling. Omega-12 rises.
"Hi. I-I'm Rick J-19-Omega-12. Uh, Widowed Doofus Rick."
"C-137. Terrorist Rick."
"I really wish you wouldn't call us Doofus Rick," Zeta-7 says frowning, as Omega-12 and C-137 shake hands.
"Did you, did you order a coffee yet?" Omega-12 asks. He sits back down as C-137 takes a chair. C-137 shakes his head.
"Eh, I got my own shit," C-137 says, and he opens his flask and takes a swig.
xXx
.
"So yeah. Murdered a few people, blew up some shit, joined the intergalactic resistance...eventually I fuckin' slowed down, you know, did my own shit. Started selling weapons and technology a-a-and whatever hard-to-get-to shit for money."
"Wow," Omega-12 says, while Zeta-7 nods, listening. "So then, did you bring Diane?" Omega-12 asks.
"What?" C-137 says.
"Diane," Omega-12 repeats. "Y-you did all that stuff, w-w-what happened with your Diane?"
"Oh." C-137 takes his coffee and pours in the contents of his flask. "Divorced."
Omega-12 leans forward. "Really?"
"Yeah. It was a fuckin' waste. It's embarrassing to think I urrp bought into that bullshit in the first place."
"Diane was the most wonderful thing in my life, h-h-how could you feel that way?" Omega-12 says. C-137 leans forward.
"Jesus, are you kidding me? I thought you were a genius," C-137 says. "It's just pheromones and chemical reactions and shit."
"Are all regular Ricks like this?" Omega-12 asks Zeta-7. C-137 sighs tragically.
xXx
.
"Wait, you and your Diane fought?" Omega-12 seems shocked at the notion. C-137 nods.
"Yeah. Fuckin' all the time. What, you telling me you guys never had a fight?"
"I-I mean, we had our disagreements, you know, all couples do, but..." Omega-12 furrows his brow. "You told her you didn't love her?"
"Uh huh."
"And you just...went off and left her?"
C-137 swirls his coffee. "Yeah, so?"
Omega-12 looks horrified. J-19 looks back at Omega-12, then back at C-137 uneasily.
"Ha ha! I'm just messing with you! Yeah no, it was fucked up." C-137 takes a swig of his coffee, which by now is mostly vodka. "So, you're a fuckin' boy scout. What did you and your Diane ever fight about?"
"Oh. Um." He blinks, then takes a breath. "I'm ashamed I have to say this, but sometimes I-I stayed out late in the lab, you know, a-and she'd feel neglected. Or that I wouldn't spend time with her because I was too busy doing science." Omega-12 plays with his coffee cup, twirling it silently. "Sometimes, I-I'd be working so late, I wouldn't come home, I'd sleep in my office on a cot."
He falls silent, staring at his coffee cup.
"I took her for granted," Omega-12 says finally. He twists his wedding ring, quietly. "I don't know why she put up with me."
"That's because Dianes fundamentally had fuckin' low self-esteem," C-137 says.
"Um." Omega-12 rubs his forehead. "I-I realize you're talking about your Diane, Terrorist Rick, and all, but I-I don't like hearing you say stuff like that. I-I love my Diane. I'd give anything to have her back."
"Yo, you're quiet," C-137 says to J-19. J-19 starts.
"O-oh! Uh. I-I never dated Diane, so I don't really have anything to add."
C-137 throws his thumb toward him. "He's a fuckin' virgin."
J-19 starts, "Hey!"
"I mean, I tried to help him, but he fuckin' high-roaded me for paying a goddamn escort."
"I mean, I-I've been celibate since Diane died, so you and I are pretty much the same," Omega-12 says to J-19.
"Celibate?" C-137 raises his eyebrows. "Jesus. Seriously? Bro. Y-you know there's no 'The One,' okay, that's all mystical voodoo bullshit. Y-you're basically rounding up a .75 to 'good enough to get married.' Which, by the way, is also bullshit. Y-you can thank society or the wedding industrial complex o-or those douchebags who come up with hallmark holidays."
Omega-12 sighs. "I think I need another coffee."
xXx
.
In the coffee shop, the bell above the entrance jingles.
"Oh my god - you guys are triplets?!" someone says.
The three Ricks look up to see the grad students coming back into the coffee shop again.
"Sorry to interrupt," one of the grad students says. "I forgot my jacket - Dr. Sanchez, you're part of triplets?"
"The fuck are they?" C-137 says. Omega-12 smiles apologetically.
"Guys, this is, um, our other counterpart, Rick."
"That's so cool! I thought you were just twins."
C-137 leans back. "Yeah, they're monourrp -zygotic, I'm dizygotic. And you can see who lost the genetic fucking lottery," C-137 says.
"Are you a professor, too?" they ask.
"Seriously? I'm a fucking genius, okay. Not like these two dipshits. Only stupid people go to school," C-137 says. The grad students glance at each other.
"H-he's kidding," Omega-12 says. J-19 nods emphatically.
"Y-yeah. He...he's got kind of a gruff sense of humor."
"Yeah, 'mom' is super proud of those two," C-137 says. "Jesus, can you imagine if we were fucking triplets? I'd fucking kill myself in the fucking womb."
"You're not...triplets?" the grad students blink at them. J-19 and Omega-12 start to answer but C-137 cuts in.
"Nope. I'm an alternate version of your professor, from an alternate dimension in a different universe."
"Oh wow. Funny," the grad student says.