"When can we leave this hellhole?" Ed was looking much more like himself, sprawled on his bed in his black pants and tank top.
Roy stifled the urge to chuckle. "I got us tickets to Central on the first train out tomorrow."
"Good." Ed shot a glance at the door as the blonde nurse who'd been consistently giving him hell passed by. He waited until she'd passed the door before he was giving her the middle finger.
"Fullmetal. That's not very professional." Roy tried to be admonishing.
"Yeah, well she's a bitch." Ed bit out gruffly, not seeming to care as he tossed his head back onto the pillow, golden locks splaying out behind him.
"She might be, but you can't say that..."
"Really? Cuz I just did. I don't give a fuck, Mustang. So why don't you get out of here and leave me alone?"
Roy sat up a little straighter, slightly surprised. Edward was always a bit flagrant with the disrespect, but Ed was never one to actively pick a fight. Ed clenched and unclenched his casted hand, gritting his teeth and looking frustrated.
"Fullmetal." he kept his voice even and low, trying to be a voice of reason without further aggravating the teen. "I know you've been through a lot. But you do not get to lash out for no reason."
"I have plenty of reasons!" Ed snarled, getting to his feet and slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
"Where are you going?" Roy wasn't sure how to handle this. Ed seemed to be ready to put his fist through a wall.
"I don't know! Anywhere but here." Ed muttered, looking irritated.
"Be back up here by dark. And don't cause any trouble."
Ed turned and cast a glance over his shoulder- the kid was fairly snarling at him.
He stalked off down the stairs, not looking back, and Roy was left to wonder if the kid's sudden rage was teenage angst, a result of being cooped up too long, or a response to the trauma. Or maybe a mixture of the three. Either way- the hatred in the boy's eyes, the pure animosity- unsettled him.
Roy wished Hughes was here. He's know how to handle this so much better than he did.
Ed found himself sneaking off behind the mess hall. He didn't really want to eat, but he wanted to be alone- he was flicking a cigarette from his pocket and lighting up. His first inhale made his head stop spinning and brought him down a level, and he let it out slowly, feeling his heart speed up and his mind slow down.
"You alright Fullmetal?"
Ed looked over to his right, surprised to see Percy leaning against the wall of the mess hall, a flask in his hand. "You look like you're about ready to punch something."
"Because I am! Everybody keeps treating me like a damn kid!" Ed groused, taking another long drag from his ciggarette in an attempt to calm his frayed nerves.
"Who's treating you like a kid?"
"Everyone! Especially that bastard Mustang. And that bitch of a blonde nurse. Everyone. They act like I haven't seen a war."
Percy chuckled.
"What!? You gonna laugh at me too!?" Ed demanded, ire reaching a boiling point.
"No. I'm laughing because that nurse is kind of a bitch. I broke my fingers once and she wouldn't even give me an aspirin." Percy smiled slightly, sipping his flask. "And you're not a kid. You did just fine out there, Fullmetal. Hell- you're man enough to have a drink with me if you want."
Percy offered him his flask. Ed blinked for a moment before he was taking hold of it and taking a slug. He managed not to cough- it was like drinking liquid fire- but his eyes teared up and his expression must've showed his disgust, because Percy delicately took his flask back.
"Don't like it?"
"It's... interesting." Ed managed, though he felt like his throat was melting.
Percy gave him another small smile. "It's okay. You'll grow into it. Just like you'll grow into your temper someday. Mind if I have a hit of that?"
Edward nodded, handing over his cigarette, and Percy took a drag before passing it back to him.
Ed was looking down at a puddle, not really sure what else to do with himself.
His anger had faded into a dull sense of shame- he knew he shouldn't have yelled at Mustang, but everything was so unfair- good men had died and nobody seemed to care. Everyone treated him like a kid. And he was just supposed to keep playing the role?
"What is that stuff anyways?" Ed asked, looking back over at Percy.
Percy gave him a smirk. "Rum. Takes the edge off."
"Nobody gets it. Only you and Patrick and the other guys seem to understand."
"Colonel Mustang might understand more than you think. I heard he saw some pretty bad stuff in Ishval." Percy said casually. "Maybe you should give him a chance."
Ed scoffed. "Fat chance I go spill my guts to him."
"Your choice. Man, I'd hate to be around you the day you grow into that temper of yours. I'm glad you're on our side." Percy smiled, capping his flask. "Enjoy your cigarette, buddy. And try not to tear anyone's head off. I know they're annoying you- but they're just trying to help."
Ed finished his cigarette alone as dusk started to fall. Mustang had said to be back by dark, but he waited until a little after it was dark and the stars were visible just to spite the bastard. He'd never been one to follow orders, and he wasn't about to start now.
He strode back into the his room upstairs. Mustang looked up when he came in the room, and for a minute Ed thought he was going to give him a hard time, but the man said nothing.
Ed flopped back down on his bed.
"There's a package for you."
Ed looked down to see a large cardboard box on the bedside table and picked it up.
"What is it?"
"I don't know. But it's from Central."
Ed frowned but tore it open anyways, finding an envelope with a red wax seal and a blue folded garment...
Ed paused halfway through taking it out of the box. It was an official blue uniform, just like the one Mustang wore.
He set it to the side, but something fell out of the fabric and hit the floor. It was rank pins. Ed looked down and paused, seeing they were for a Lieutenant Colonel's rank. He grit his teeth, picking them up and looking at them with barely concealed frustration.
Mustang caught his casted hand in his own, and Ed paused, looking over at him.
"Before you crush these or throw them at the wall- you should know that with rank comes more privileges. You might be able to get into those restricted notes Basque Grande is holding now. The ones about the stone."
Ed paused for a moment, shaking his head and letting the pins fall back into the box with the uniform, thrusting the envelope over to Mustang. "You don't understand anything. I don't give a damn about your stupid military or rank."
Mustang took the letter and opened it. He read it in the candlelight, before he was carefully folding it and replacing it in the envelope.
"I know you aren't happy about this, and I understand why. But that letter was signed by the Furher himself. You're going to be expected to wear the uniform- at least into Central- for a few days."
"Great." Ed let his eyes fall closed, looking miserable, and draped his casted forearm over his eyes, letting out a sigh. He really needed another cigarette.
"So- are you going to be miserable or talk about it? Because I can't help you if you don't talk to me." Roy said simply.
"Why don't you do us both a favor and shut the fuck up. I don't want to talk to anyone, least of all you." Ed spat.
Roy took a deep breath, forcing himself to be patient. "Fullmetal. This isn't healthy."
"Fine then. Since you have all the answers, I'll tell you!" Ed sat up like he was spring-loaded, looking over at Mustang with fury written all over his face again. "I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get back into town and explain to Al how I got promoted, and explain to Winry why my damn arm is gone. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my little brother I killed a man. And Winry- well, she's going to find out I stabbed a guy though with the arm she made me. So go ahead, you bastard- tell me exactly what the right answer is." Ed seethed.
Fire was dancing in his eyes- but it wasn't fire. Roy realized the kid was actually on the edge of tears, and Ed was shaking.
"So, what's the answer you bastard? You've always had a solution to all my problems up until now- 'join the military, become a state alchemist'." Ed flopped back onto his bed, once again laying his casted forearm over his eyes. He didn't want anyone to see his tears. "I wish I never listened to you. I wish I never signed onto this damn military. I wish that damn transmutation killed me and Al kept his body and I was dead with Mom..."
Ed turned so he was facing away from Mustang.
Roy reached over and put a hand on Ed's shoulder. Ed was still shaking slightly- Roy shifted to rubbing his back when he realized the kid was crying quietly.
"I'm sorry, Ed. I wish I could've gotten to your house earlier. I replay that night in my mind a thousand times- if I'd been earlier, just by a few hours- so I could've stopped you. I'm sorry."
"Do you even... do you even know what this feels like?" Ed managed to choke out, breath coming in harsh pants between tears. "I was holding Leonard's hand when we ran to the trenches. And when I looked behind me- it was just a hand. His arm got blown off..." Ed dissolved into harsh, shaking sobs.
"All those guys got killed because of me. I wonder if I could've saved them, if more would've made it home if I'd slashed more of the other guys to pieces. I still remember watching that guy's eyes go hollow after I stabbed him when he fell in the pit. Arthur screaming, the shells whistling... And I couldn't even feel a damn thing the whole time."
"It's not your fault."
"But it is, and I won't forgive them- any of them- for killing my squad. I hate them. The only thing I hate more is myself." Ed whispered with haunting sincerity.
He'd stopped crying, now, and he turned over onto his back, facing Roy and scrubbing at his cheeks with his casted hand.
"Is it too late to resign?"
Roy paused, swallowing. "If that's what you want, Fullmetal... I'll let you resign."
"I don't know what I want." Ed was staring past him now, looking up at the ceiling. "I guess I just want to forget, but I can't, no matter how hard I try. It's the only thing I want. To forget about this. All of it. But I couldn't get the blood off my hands even if I tried. But Al... I can't leave him like this."
Ed stared blankly ahead for one minute, two... before he turned and looked at Mustang with those hollow eyes.
"Why didn't you warn me? That rank, everything here- came at such a price? Your rank- you're a Colonel- you sit on a throne of corpses from the war..." Ed didn't look at him with hatred or disgust, only sadness. "How do you carry all that weight, Mustang? And why didn't you warn me?"
Mustang was suddenly finding it hard to swallow. "I... I keep living to try and make a better future, Fullmetal. I didn't tell you about this... about... war... because I never thought you'd have to see it. I was planning on discharging you if I thought war was going to break out. I was naive enough to believe I could protect you... You have every right to be mad at me, Fullmetal. I failed you."
"I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at everything." Ed clarified, as though that were somehow better. "I thought Al and I had seen the depths of hell. Boy was I wrong. This world is fucking ugly. I just want to close my eyes forever."
Ed blinked owlishly, spent from his revelations, before he looked over at Roy carefully. "Why do you even put up with me? I've been an absolute ass today."
"Equivalent exchange. When I went to war- Hughes took a lot of abuse to help me straighten myself out afterwards. And I got you into the military, Fullmetal- you're still under my command at the moment. I have a duty to look out for you."
"Did... did Hughes ever kill anyone?" Ed asked, eyes softening slightly.
Roy said nothing, but he nodded tiredly.
"You think he'll talk to me about it?"
"I think so, yes."
Ed flopped back onto the pillows, spent. It was late.
"We go home tomorrow. I get to see Al in a few days. I might as well tell him to bring Winry with him when he comes back from his visit. I need a new arm. How much longer do I have to keep this up, Mustang? How long do I have to parade around in that uniform like the Furher's showdog with my bloodstained hands?" Ed looked over at him, exhausted.
"As long as you want to. If you want... I can discharge you out here. We'd take the train back to Central and you'd be a civilian again. You and Al can head out from there." Roy felt something in his chest tightening at the thought of Ed giving up- of never seeing the boy again. He knew Ed was hurting, and if Ed needed to leave the military, he needed to leave- but his heart ached at the thought of never seeing the kid again, after all Ed had gone through under his command. And before the kid had even achieved his goal.
"Are you seriously offering to do paperwork for me in the middle of the night?"
Roy zoned back into the situation to find Ed staring at him with a tired grin on his face. "Call that shitty nurse back in here, because you must be sick if you're offering that, Bastard."
"I'll do it if you want, Ed. I'm not joking. I don't... I got you into the military, but if you need to leave, I'll let you resign. I'm not going to keep you here. Not after all you've done."
"So you're giving up on me?" Ed looked disappointed.
"What... no. Ed- whatever you need- I will be beside you. If you want me to let you resign and never see my face again, you can. If you want to stay in the military and keep working towards your goal, I'll be there to help wherever I can. Hell- if you want to be discharged from the military but you still want to chase your goal, I'll help you however I can. Even if you're a civilian. I'm not sure about all the regulations, but after all you've been through, I might be able to get you put into military reserves, maybe you can still access the research you need. Whatever path you take, Edward- I'll support you however I can. I owe you that much."
"Wow." Ed paused, looking dumbstruck. "You almost sounded like Hughes there for a minute. You're going soft." Ed let his eyes fall closed. "I have no idea what the fuck I want to do. So I'm gonna procrastinate. I'll decide later."
Roy barked a tired laugh. "Now you're sounding like yourself. Procrastination is your middle name, kid." He stood, ruffling Ed's hair affectionately and striding over to his own cot. "Get some rest. We can talk more in the morning."
Ed hummed in reply, already flopped over on his bed and half asleep.
Roy stayed up for awhile, watching the sheets rise and fall as Ed slept. The moonlight seemed to dance off Ed's blond locks that were splayed out behind him on the pillow.
He could feel regret and apprehension blossoming in his chest at the thought this could be one of the last times he saw Fullmetal. If Ed decided he wanted to leave the military when they reached Central, Roy wouldn't fault him for it- but he was wondering who the hell was going to bust into his office shouting and destroy exorbitantly large amounts of property.
As much as he gave the kid hell for the messes he made, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't the least bit entertained at the amusing scenarios the kid seemed to find himself in. And though he'd never admit it, he'd always have bailed Ed out if at all possible.
But one asshole of a Colonel had stolen it all- usurped his alchemist from a rural outpost in the middle of the night, taken advantage of him, and now the damage was done. Their understanding, if Ed's military career could be called that- had been shattered overnight, and there was no way to undo it.
Ed moaned in his sleep, hand twitching and legs kicking out slightly. His face was pinched. Roy hoped he wasn't having nightmares.
He reached over, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder.
Ed bit out a whimper. Roy shifted, leaning over more to rub the boy's back.
"Take it easy, Ed. It's okay."
He continued to murmur a whole lot of nothing in a calming tone- gradually, the kid's twitching died down, his face relaxing slightly. Roy let himself and his worries fade slightly. He could worry about this whole mess later- Ed was sleeping soundly, and he quit leaning over the gap between their cots and return to his own bed, letting sleep finally take him.
Wow. That was... deeper than I expected it to be. And yes- Ed is actually considering resigning his post as a state alchemist. Please review! You guys keep me going.