Happy Friday/Early Saturday all! Here I am back with the lengthy author's notes and questions haha. But before I get into that I just want to thank you all for the HUGE support you all gave me on my last chapter OMFG! I was not expecting that and I want to specifically thank the Guest reader who took the time to review all of the chapters on both this story and my new one. I'm sorry I couldn't connect with you personally to thank you, but you are truly a gem, and those are the reviews that really boost me up and motivate me.

Special thanks to everyone who gave my new story 'Million Dollar Bills' a chance and left kind reviews there as well. It will be updated tomorrow!

So in the past 24 hours I reread the ending of Allegiant and was completely destroyed AGAIN… idk why I do these things to myself and I thought I could handle it after 6 years but I thought wrong because I got so emotional thinking about Tobias and everything he's been through, god, it hurts a lot. It got me thinking about writing a Divergent AU fic tho, and hear me out! I know that Divergent AU's are really hard to pull off and if I'm being honest I've only read one or two of them on fanfiction that I thoroughly enjoyed. I do feel as if the 'no war' ones are often just fluff and unrealistic and very OOC. Obviously this is natural because it's lowkey our coping mechanism for having such a devastating and unsatisfying ending to the series, though.

So I'm not going to start this potential fanfiction right now. I have a lot on my plate already with writing 2 stories, college applications coming up, and school starting back up again soon. I will probably start it when I finish 'Million Dollar Bills' and have more free time on my hands. It's going to be a 'no war' fanfic, but more realistic and I'm going to include things about the faction politics and tension in the dauntless leadership, of course. It will be eventful and not just all fluff, but a happier ending for our characters I think. I'll try my hardest to make as little OOC errors as possible too but it's tricky because I'm not Veronica Roth. Let me know if it's something you would be open to reading?

Okay, if you read all of that ILYSM you are a gem.

Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent.

December 24th: Tobias

I remember the last time I enjoyed Christmas. It was when I was 11, the last Christmas before my mom's passing. It was magical and so were all 10 christmases that came before it. Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday and she used to tell me that if she had a daughter she would've named her Noelle. During the holiday season, we would go all out in decorating the house with scented candles, stockings, nutcrackers, and of course: an authentic tree.

My 12th Christmas, however, was bleak. My father didn't put any decorations up, he didn't wake me up at dawn like my mother used to do for presents, we didn't make cookies, we didn't stay up late watching our favorite Christmas classics. We didn't do any of the things she liked to do. I woke up at noon, treaded downstairs, and he gave me a 50 dollar visa gift card for my present. And then we went about the afternoon as if it was just an ordinary day. Every Christmas after that has been similar, but now it's a time for new traditions. For me and my father both, I suppose.

He's spending the holidays this year in Prague, with Tiffany. It's where a big part of my father's company outsources from so he spends a lot of his time there as it is. Enough time to where he has his own apartment there. They should be happy. They had invited me to come along, but truth be told I had already received a better offer. Christmas at the Prior's. It seems much more inviting than being in a foreign city, third wheeling my own father for God's sake.

He told me I could invite Tris and this did seem tempting. 2 weeks away in a beautiful city with the girl that I love? But alas, I know how important this family time is to Tris. And her family is starting to become my family. The Prior's definitely have their own traditions that I wouldn't want to take her away from so I didn't bring it up to her.

Instead, I arrived at her house today, with her present in hand, in my comfiest pajamas, ready to make Christmas memories with the Prior's. Now all 11 of us children sit in a circle on the floor except Leo, who sits on a stool, reading from 'Frosty the Snowman'. Apparently this is a Prior tradition that dates way back to when Leo was the only child in the house. Natalie and Andrew would read it to him on Christmas eve. Fast forward a few years when Leo was finally literate enough to start reading it himself to young Ezra. And so it began. As more Prior offspring were born, Leo's audience grew.

I take a sip of my hot chocolate, another Prior tradition, and coincidentally it was also an Eaton one as well. An odd sense of nostalgia, grief, and gratitude wells up in me every time I taste the delicious beverage that Tris brewed up herself. I am taken back to various Christmases, my mom's laugh ringing strongly through my mind.

Leo does animated gestures as he reads, mostly for the sake of our younger viewers I suppose, and I notice he's barely even looking at the pages. Fuck, he probably has this whole thing ingrained in his brain by now. I wrap my free arm around Tris and pull her close to me, inhaling her pine needle scent that she has from being around the tree all day and enjoy having her in such near proximity. I don't ever want to let her go.

As Leo is on the last page of the infamous tale we hear the front door slam and then, "Kids! We're home!" Mrs. Prior and Mr. Prior were on their own holiday in Montreal for a couple of weeks, as they generally need to get away from 10 children I suppose, but they're back just in time for Christmas and New year's.

The littlest ones get up and run to go greet them and Leo sighs mid sentence and closes the book as the rest of us follow them.

After hugs and greetings and Mrs. Prior saying "Mmmm… is that hot chocolate I smell?" We've all regathered in the living room. I try to smile and join in on the witty banter and jokes going around, I don't understand the references to most of them. My heart begins to feel heavy as I look at this wonderful family around me, it's so strong. And mine broke so easily. As much as Tris's family loves and accepts me I feel as if I will always be an outsider here.

My sudden thoughts about this shock me. I guess I had been feeling this way all along deep down, but on such a memorable day like today where you're supposed to spend it with family, my pain is brought back up to the surface. All of a sudden I feel as if I can't breathe, I'm being suffocated. I stand up instantly. Everyone's eyes shoot to me.

"Excuse me. I need to use the bathroom." I mumble and I stalk off, ignoring Tris's concerned look. Once I'm at the bathroom I don't enter, I just stand outside the door pacing back and forth, hoping that I can stop the intense caving my chest feels and get back to the living room in a believable amount of time. I'm trying to slow my breathing and calm my nerves like how I would when I would get really bad panic attacks after my mother's death. I haven't had one of these in a while.

I hear footsteps padding over to the corridor that I'm standing in and I try my best to look normal. Of course, the person coming to check on me is Tris. Her eyebrows are furrowed with intense worry. "Tobias… what's wrong? You look awful."

"I-it's nothing." My breathing has picked back up a little bit but I try to halt it. Still, there's no air to inhale around me and I can't even comprehend why I'm feeling like this because I've been so fine. It's not fair that these things come back around to bite you in the ass when you think you've moved past them. "I was just feeling light headed, let's go back now." I start walking past her but she grabs my wrist and pulls me back to face her.

There's a devastated look in her eyes that makes my own heart break. "Please, just talk to me." She begs. "I want to help."

I sigh. I suppose I need to let myself lean on people. That's part of the grieving process, after all. I gesture to the floor and we both sit down side by side on the greyish tiles. I keep my eyes trained on them, instead of her. "It's silly really… it's just about my mom…"

"Hey." She grabs my chin and turns my face up to look at her. I see nothing but compassion and love in her eyes. "That's not silly… I'm sorry. I should have asked if you were okay earlier. I imagine holidays like these can be hard."

I swallow, slightly comforted by the way that her thumb runs along my cheekbone. She just sits there patiently while I gather my bearings, trying to find the appropriate words to say. "This was just… always our favorite day. Ya know? I mean you do, it's obvious how close your family is and how this day just brings you guys even closer. And then… she was just gone. She left me. And the Christmases after it sucked, but you know, at least I was with my dad. Even if we didn't say much the unspoken words hung between us and we both knew we were thinking about her. Now he's on the other side of the world, and I'm so glad to be here with you today, Tris… but I just feel like I'm disrespecting her by not… I don't know, being miserable?" I let out a single laugh. I'm not sure why, it's not funny. "But also, I just miss family." I lock eyes with her vulnerably.

"Well we're your family now." She gestures back to the direction of the living room. "We all love you. So much, Tobias."

My heart warms a little bit more but I still feel that gaping hole. "I just… always feel like an outsider. I love being with you guys, and hearing your stories, and getting to jump in on your traditions. But. I miss my own traditions too, you know? I miss my old family. Getting to be born into a special family that's full of love and support is sometimes a privilege. I know people who have not been so lucky. And… I had that. I had that familial love in my life. And it was just ripped from me so fast. And on a day like this, it's just salt in the wound, I guess." I feel guilty for saying the last part out loud, but it's true.

Tris doesn't seem to take offense to this. She nods like she understands. "The holidays are for families. And you are more than welcome to be with mine since you are a part of it. But, I also think you should call your dad?" She furrows her eyebrows at the last part of her statement like she's not sure if it was the correct advice, but honestly, it is. Call him. We've never been good with words but on a day like today it's also about her.

I nod. "Okay." Prague is 7 hours ahead of Chicago so it should be about 10 pm there. I hope he's not asleep yet.

I take out my phone and ring him, waiting anxiously. Tris rubs my arm soothingly, giving me a smile of support. Where the fuck would I be without this girl?

After 4 rings, he picks up. "Tobias." He says, in his crisp and veristic voice. He doesn't sound surprised, or say my name like a question as I thought he would. The way he says it makes it sound as if he's been waiting to hear from me, as if the weight of today was hanging on him too.

I exhale, the empty hole in my chest seems to be refilling now. This is already helping me so much. "Hi dad. Merry Christmas Eve."

"Merry Christmas Eve, son." I imagine him, wherever he may be, pacing back and forth and running a hand through his hair. It's a habit that I also have picked up from him.

"Are you… alone?" I ask.

"I was having Christmas dinner with Tiffany. I stepped out when I saw your call." He doesn't sound irritated at this, he actually sounds quite content. That hole fills just a bit more.

We're both silent for a few seconds and then I say, "I miss her, dad. A lot." I didn't mean for my voice to crack the way it does when I let those words out and I feel embarrassed and weak. Tris's hand wraps around mine and she squeezes it gently.

"Me too, son. Me too."

"How come you never say anything about it then?" I ask, sounding like the broken 12 year old boy who stood there in shock when his father delivered the news about his mother initially.

"You know I'm not good with words." He sounds frustrated and ashamed. With himself.

"We never really did need them, I guess… it's just weird not being with you. I don't just miss her. I miss you." I admit.

"I miss you too, Tobias." That hole has filled. He misses me too. A part of me was always scared that once my mother died, my father would just move on and stop caring for me either. A part of me believed it for quite sometime too. That part is now squandered today, when the truth presents itself so clearly to me. My father loves me, he always has and he always will. And he will always be there for me too. It may be harder to connect for us, given everything we've gone through together, but that doesn't mean that the love isn't there. My mother loved me as well. A different sort of love than my father's. Hers was fierce and protective, eager to show me the world and raise me as her son. My father's love is gentler, more hesitant now through everything we've been through. I was wrong to tell Tris that I didn't have a family, because I do. My family is my father and my mother, no matter what happens. But my family is also Tris too. And it is okay for me to have both.

We stay on the phone in heavy silence for a couple of minutes until my dad speaks up. "Tiffany and I were watching some TV earlier today. We were flipping through channels and we came across "A Christmas Carol"... your mother's favorite. I uh, postponed our dinner reservations so we could watch."

I laugh a little, and it's genuine. "I guess I'm not the only one keeping mom in my spirit today. Tris made some hot chocolate, the same packet that mom used actually, and I think her's might actually give mom a run for her money." I say all this while maintaining eye contact with Tris, who is beaming proudly at me. "It was a little hard to drink it at first." I admit stupidly. "But I feel better after talking to you today dad… I love you so much." I tell him earnestly. That's the first time I've said those words to him in years, and my chest finally feels light.

Something that was missing in my life slides back into place when my father says, "I love you too. I'll see you when I get home."

As I'm hanging up the phone I notice that Tris's eyes are shining and tears are splashing onto her cheeks. I wonder why the image of her looks so blurry to me, but then I realize that I'm crying too.

After that emotional call with my father, Tris and I headed back to the Prior living room and we played board games and got candy canes and danced to Christmas music until it was almost midnight and Natalie and Andrew ushered the children to bed because "santa" would arrive soon.

The rest of us teenagers help clean up the kitchen and living room area before we pad upstairs and on our way up Mr. Prior makes sure to call out to Tris and I, "Separate bedrooms, you two!" And Mrs. Prior says, "Yes, I already made the guest bedroom up for Tobias."

Tris's brother's find this awfully funny. I walk her up to her bedroom door and we hug tightly, probably for too long. She whispers in my ear, "Come sneak into my room when the coast is clear. I'll text you."

I pull back and raise my eyebrows at her. "Rebellious." I muse.

She shoves me away toward my supposed quarters for the night.

I spend the next 45 minutes or so playing meaningless games on my phone and scrolling through college football twitter feeds, with Tris heavy on my mind.

Our first time a couple weeks ago… was magical. Better than I could have ever hoped for, actually, and I tried my best to make her feel really safe and secure. She reassured me that I did a good job and she was more than happy to be with me and as the days have gone on we've explored and tried new things with each other. Nothing too kinky, I guess, but I've never been so comfortable trying such things with a person before, so we've definitely grown a lot closer intimately.

In fact, we have a secret. These past couple weeks Tris has been sneaking out of her house most nights to come over to mine. My father was absent for most of the days, and the days he wasn't he was just oblivious anyways. Some of the nights we did sleep together or do something of the sort, but others, we just laid together and talked. Sometimes about the most insignificant things.

I would tell her random anecdotes about my mother. Some of them were just little facts and musings, others were heavier stories such as ones about sitting with her at her sickbed, praying to God and whatever higher power might have ruled the world to cure her. She would listen to these patiently and rub circles on my back while I talked.

I would also tell her about my early high school years before I knew her. About how I was kind of a dick. She'd laugh and say, "you were not!" But I have enough self awareness to know that my arrogance did run farther than it should have, and that I let my pride turn me into some of a hothead sometimes. We burst out into fits of laughter one night, when I told her about this one time I nearly got into a physical fight with a player on an opposing lacrosse team because he had called me a wuss. It seems pretty insignificant, I know, but 15 year old Tobias did have some anger problems. The funniest part about that incident was the actual attempted fight itself, though. Let's just say that guy talked a big game but didn't have much to show for it.

I told her stories about Zeke and Shauna and about how I don't give enough credit for their friendship keeping me afloat during my grief. I give them a lot of shit for making me third wheel, but most of it is all jokes, because they accepted me and included me more than any friends I'd ever known. I think back to late nights, sitting by Zeke's secret spot on the lake and laughing about stupid things. Early mornings, driving with them to school and cranking the stereo on the cheesiest pop songs. I'd tell her about when they'd come to my lacrosse games and act like my parents, totally embarrassing the fuck out of me and cheering way too loud. For one game they even made t-shirts with my face on them.

I told her about all of these memories, these moments that kept me at bay, until one blue eyed blonde haired girl stumbled into the seat next to me in AP Chemistry. She held her hand out to me clumsily and said, "Hi, I don't think you know me. I'm Tris Prior." She was so small, yet she carried herself so strong, and she was so full of life. That was one of the first things I noticed about her.

If Mrs. Matthews asked a question, and Tris thought she knew it her hand would shoot up confidently and she'd answer in a heartbeat. Her success rate with the answers was about 80%, but even with the other 20%, she never let it get her down. Mrs. Matthews would say, "incorrect" and Tris's face would flush red, but I also saw determination in her eyes to get better. And then I started to notice her more. In the hallways, with Christina, laughing as they walked, her arm slung around her shoulders. Helping a freshman who dropped their books in the middle of the hallway pick them up. Leaving school at the same time as me in Christina's car, dancing dorkily to whatever music was playing. I even subconsciously started rerouting my hallway routes just to pass by her on my way to class. And for a while, that's all I had. Moments of observation, which told me more about her fiery yet so down to earth character than any small talk in Chemistry could.

That's all I had until that one fateful day I ran into her at the grocery store. I remember seeing her blonde head a few aisles down from me, and wanting to say hello but letting my anxiety get the better of me. But when she stepped into the same shopping line as me it had to be some sort of sign. And God, I'm so glad I took it. Because looking at who I am now, where I am now, I just can't believe how lucky I am.

I confessed all of that to Tris one night as well. I had told her my story about falling for her, and in turn she had given me hers. It's hard to see myself in the light that she apparently does. Strong, capable, kind even. And it's hard for me to see her the way that she does, the uncertainness she described about wondering if I would like her back, the insecurities and fretting over me she dealt with. What reason on God's earth does this girl have to be insecure, when I've never met anyone more unashamed and unapologetically themselves than her? After we confessed all of those things to each other we made love passionately, and we fell asleep in each other's arms, forgetting to set an alarm. She woke up late that next morning and had to rush home and sneak back in as quietly as possible. She almost got caught… but for moments like those? That's a hundred percent worth it.

I muse over all of this, until my phone buzzes with a text from Tris.

coast is clear ;)

And then,

don't make any noise!

I grab Tris's Christmas present, and, after a moment's deliberation, a condom, and set out into the hallway, creeping as quietly as possible down to Tris's room. I creak open the door and take in the site of her room. A mini artificial Christmas tree sits in the corner, and she has some Christmas garland hanging off of the walls. The room smells of pine, and my eyes shoot to the scented candle that is the only source of light in her room. It causes the entire room to flicker and float in my eyes, and my shadow looks big along the wall.

She's sitting on her bed, still in her Christmas pajamas gazing up at me shyly. "Merry Christmas." She murmurs.

I set my things down and I don't miss the eye she gives the condom as I walk over to her and lift her into my arms. "Merry Christmas." I whisper, before pecking her on the lips. I set her back down on the bed and go to pick up her present.

"I wanted to give you something… It was really hard to find something to match your amazing present," for now, my pocket watch sits on my dresser with some other belongings of mine, but it is open and on display for me to look at the time and me and Tris whenever I please, "but I did my best." I shyly hand it to her and she looks up at me, grinning, as she takes apart the wrapping paper.

I all of a sudden feel so foolish. I was never the best at gift giving in the past, so what makes me think I'm going to change now? 20 bucks says she'll hate it, I think, even though I'm not sure who I'm even betting with..

Tris pulls out her gift and her mouth drops as she takes in what it is. That's a good reaction, right? "I…" She starts, and then her face breaks out into a grin. "It's wonderful." She's chuckling a little bit and I'm pretty sure that I'm beaming.

With Christmas being such an important holiday to both Tris and I, I had wanted to make her a custom made ornament, and when I say make I mean make. Like 20+ hours of fine ceramics tutorials to get the figure I wanted right, and then 20+ more hours of tutorials on how to paint and then bake the clay glazed. I think I had close to 50 attempts before I got this one right. I managed to craft 2 people. A tiny blonde girl, and a tall brunette boy, lying down side by side, his arm wrapped around her shoulder as the girl points up at something in the sky. If you look closely you can see that the whites of their eyes are a little bit red. It was an imperative detail, I believe.

Tris is shaking her head in disbelief and amazement. "The Pedrad party? Really? Out of all of our memories?" She says, while laughing,

I shrug. "I mean… it's the first time I ever really got to know you. Unfiltered. What do you think of my fine craftsmanship?" I wiggle my eyebrows.

"It's very detailed. I mean, you included the grass backdrop that we were laying on, you got both of our outfits right, and our eyes are red? You're too good, Tobias."

I'm grinning like a fool. I know I am. "Let's just hope your parents don't pick up on the red eyes. I'll tell them that I accidentally mixed paint colors."

Tris nods. "I'll hang it up on my mini tree till tomorrow. Then we can put it on the real tree when it becomes morning. But… Thank you so much, Tobias. For all the effort you put into this… I love you." She walks up to me and we kiss a couple of times before she heads over to her tree and hangs the ornament up. She's still shaking her head at it as if she's marvelling at it. "No one's ever done anything this thoughtful for me." She murmurs.

I walk up to her and wrap my arms around her from behind, kissing her hair gently. "You deserve it." I insist.

She turns back to me and kisses me with such fervor that I think I might lose my grip on reality. When she pulls away, she asks, "Are we going to make use of that condom?"

I don't waste any time getting her back into bed after that.

I am violently shaken awake and I crack an eye open to see an elated looking Tris beaming down at me. I discarded my shirt somewhere in the room due to the events of the past few hours, but now she wears it proudly and it goes down to just below her middle thigh. She looks far better in it than I do. I could just pull her on top of me right now and we could-

"It's snowing!" She giggles and claps, jumping up and down. In a flash I'm out of bed, marvelling at the white flurries falling and touching the ground, sticking to it insistently. A true, white Christmas.

Tris and I run downstairs to see most of the family already awake and exchanging gifts. Her mother purses her lips at Tris wearing my shirt, but she doesn't comment, and Tris and I are too happy to care. Presents are exchanged, laughs are shared, and I feel particularly emotional when the Prior's give me their gift from all of them: a framed version of the family portrait that we took on the twins' birthday. With Leo photoshopped in, of course. I laugh when I see how poorly edited in he is. "That was all me." Ezra winks.

"You're a part of our family." Tris tells me with a smile, rubbing my back. And the Prior's all converge around me for a family group hug. I know where this photo is going. Right next to my photo of Zeke and Shauna, next to Tris's pocket watch, and in close proximity to a picture of my mother. As time goes on I have more and more people to be thankful and appreciative of, and I cannot discount the kindness that the 12 people in this room have shown me.

After more present exchanges -naturally they take a while in this house- we get changed into our winter coats and then we all run outside to play in the snow. My mom always used to talk about how she wanted a white christmas, and the only other time we had one here in Chicago was when I was 8. I remember that Christmas well. Me, her, and my father chased each other throughout our backyard, throwing snow in each other's hair and shoving one another playfully.

Now, this year, knowing that this is something she would have loved to experience, gets me emotional. I swallow thickly and snap a picture of the scenery before texting it to my dad. Underneath I write, I think mom is watching over us.

Tris turns to me amid all the chaos of her siblings running around. "You okay?" She squeezes my arm, though I barely feel it through all my thick layers.

"Yeah. I think I am." I say with seriousness. She opens her mouth to say something more but then I rush behind her and pick her up, throwing her over my shoulder. She shrieks with glee. I bend down and grab a handful of snow before tossing it into her blonde locks, setting her down, and then running away.

She chases after me, and we both laugh until our lungs hurt and we can't breathe from the running and the hysterics and the cold and we both plop down on the ground. I look at the purely exhilarated expression shining in her beautiful eyes, and am certain that I'm mirroring one of her own. These are the parts of the world that my mother was eager to show me.

This was one of my favorite chapters to write! Loved exploring Tobias's character. Let me know how you like it!

-Kiki