I think a quote from the Netflix series Insatiable is particularly apt for this chapter.

~ "She needs to choose recovery, you can't just choose it for her". ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~No it's the longing pressure,

The great longing pressure when you say,

Baby come home ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gemma's POV:

Shit.

I can't believe Luann is dead. I mean, Luann is a constant, she has always been there.

It feels surreal. We argued all the god damn time, I was the moody old cow and she was the shaggy, slaggy old tart. My god, it used to shock people how we spoke to one another. I remember her once shouting "slag" to me across the convenience store, and I shouted "cheap crow-eater" back at her. Man, all the other people were so shocked, looking at us like we had murdered their kids.

Now she's gone. Just like that.

Just like I would've been, if those paramedics had never came. A few minutes later, I would have been gone.

That guilt is raw. Luann didn't want to die, I did. Guess I can add this shitty feeling to the multitude of others. I really let Luann down.

I am so glad Jax and Tara have gone. I just don't want to deal with people right now. Even though Luann's death is tearing me apart, it doesn't mean that I still want to be here. In this hospital, in this life even. All I want to do is disappear, in a way that wouldn't upset my family. But that's impossible.

I feel awful, I should be grateful that I have an amazing family. But the darkness just envelops me, meaning that I can't see a way out. It's like I am being sucked into a black hole, all I can see is the light fading away little by little. Even if I wanted to fight, I wouldn't stand a chance. I am shackled to the pain.

Which all sounds so pathetic. I am truly pathetic. That's what Lich doesn't get. I have dark thoughts yes, but what is really going on in my head is far more difficult to understand. It's like a wrestling match, between the guilt and the pain, I am being suffocated. In fact, it actually would be better if I was being physically suffocated.

At least the life would drain out of me quicker.

Jax's POV:

Tara is really worrying me. She has spent all afternoon in and out of the bathroom. She never ever gets sick.

"Darlin' are you okay?" I gently tap on the door, I know from experience that women hate you to see them throwing up. The booze that the crow eaters put back teaches you that.

"Yeah, I will be out in a minute. Sorry".

"Why are you apologising? I am going to make you some tea". Jesus the women in my life are really beginning to scare me.

Tara's POV:

Ughh. My god do I feel ill. This is so unlike me, I never feel ill.

Then it hits me.

Suddenly dates begin to swarm my mind. All resulting in the same conclusion.

I think I need to go shopping.

I stumble out of the bathroom, and grab my purse.

Jax turns around in confusion, "where are you going? You should rest".

"Jax, I am educated enough in medicine to know how to look after myself. I am going to get some Pepto-Bismol".

"Okay but I gotta club meeting in 20. I can try calling Neeta?"

"Oh no I will be back by then".

I blow him a kiss and dash off. The feeling of nausea failing to ease.

15 minutes later...

Before I can get through the door, Jax runs past me. "Bye darlin', look after yourself?"

Before I can say anything he is gone.

I look in on Abel, he is sat on his bed playing with his trucks. I can see Jax has placed a toy motorcycle next to him.

I gently close the door and head to the bathroom.

10 minutes later...

Just as I suspected.

My god do I have interesting timing. Jesus, Jax has got enough to deal with as it is.

But, as I sit down on the bathtub, I can't suppress the smile that is growing across my face. This is what I have always wanted, I never dreamt that it would be with the man of my dreams. The man who grabbed my heart at 16, and kept it for 10 years.

I am so so happy. Happier than I have ever been.

I walk into Abel's room and sit down on the bed. I give him the tightest hug humanly possible, looking at his cheeky little face. When I pinch his cheeks, he bursts into a fit of giggles. Regardless of what anyone says, I am his mummy. A very proud mummy.

Gemma's POV:

As the afternoon wears on I feel worse and worse. The clock ticks by so slowly, the days last forever in this place.

Think of poor Luann. Battered and bruised to death by the roadside. Imagine her, fighting for every breath. Her eyes rolling around in her head as her life fades away. All she wanted was to be alive, to see her husband.

Then there's you. Boohoo I am alive and it sucks. Jesus have you heard yourself? Do you have any idea how disgusting you are? To sit, waiting around, wishing you were dead! What is wrong with you?

God. Her voice is getting worse, I can't get it out of my head. She is here all of the time. I try pulling the covers over my head. But she lingers, her incessant shrieking drilling into my brain.

I thought you knew better than to act like this? Don't you know that Madock's never quit?

"Good job I'm not a Madock any more then!"

The nurse walking by stares at me, I mean she has every right to, what must I look like?

"Are you okay Gemma?"

Bless her, she looks like she only just graduated. Her blue, striking eyes a mixture of friendliness and worry. I clear my throat, "yes I'm fine my darlin'".

As soon as she walks away she starts again.

Well, if you are fine why don't you leave? Stop acting like a weakling and toughen up. Go and be strong for your family. Jesus, you think you are the only person who has ever been raped?

"Fuck off!"

God do I hate her.

I suppose I always have.

Lich's POV:

I am just about to take a break when a pretty little nurse comes in.

"Yes can I help you?" God, I sure hope it isn't some newbie after advice about working in psych. I mean, I can hardly say ' it's fucking hard' can I?

"Hello, sorry to disturb. I just thought I should let you know that your patient, Gemma Teller, looks like she is having an episode".

"An episode?"

"Yes. Well you see, I have a brother who suffers from schizophrenia, and he displays similar symptoms. Shouting, engaging in a conversation with someone who isn't there. I'm sorry if I am speaking out of turn here, I mean I am not an expert like yourself! I am..."

I compose myself. "No. Thank you. Can I ask what is your name?"

"Oh I am new. Nurse Honey".

I suppress a smile. "Very apt. Well thank you, I will venture down and see her. Assess the situation".

As soon as she leaves, I grab by notepad, pen and keys.

Time to see what is going on.

Gemma's POV:

The only time she stops going on is if I am distracted. Even then, I can hear her softly injecting venom into my ear. Sometimes I can feel her musky breath cooling the back my ear.

Just as poisonous in death, as she was in life.

Suddenly I see Lich walking past the window. Why is she coming in here?

"Hello Gemma".

"Didn't think you did house calls doc?"

Lich's POV:

When I walk in Gemma's demeanour changes. Her subdued aura changes to a jovial mood.

"Hello Gemma".

"Didn't think you did house calls doc?"

Her lips curl into a smile, but I can tell it is an effort.

"So Gemma. How are you feeling? Everything okay?"

She looks confused. "Fine, I only saw you a few hours ago doc. Surely you have other patients to see?"

"Indeed. But I thought I would come to check on you. In a different setting."

Gemma smiles. "Ohhhh I get it. Newbie told you I was talking away to myself and you thought I was losing it. Am I right?"

I sit down in the chair beside her. "Somewhat".

"But doc, surely even you talk to yourself on the odd occasion?"

"Yes. But I don't tend to use the words 'fuck off'".

Her pale complexion ever so slightly reddens. "Well, it's good to keep yourself in check".

"Gemma. Now is not the time for bullshit. Who were you talking to?"

Gemma shakes her head, "I'm pretty sure you ain't meant to swear. I could be offended".

I smile at her. "I think we both know by now that I am not the 'conventional shrink', as you so elegantly put it".

Gemma's shoulders stiffen. "Look doc, I am fine. Can you just leave me alone?"

"Do you want to get out of here Gemma?"

"Yes. More than anything you know that!"

"I do. But unless you talk to me, there is no chance".

She shakes her head, turning to face the wall. "What do you want me to say?"

"Let's start with who you were talking to?"

"Myself".

"So your inner voice. That's fine, everyone has one of those".

She wrinkles her nose in confusion. "Do they?"

"Yes. That's perfectly normal. Now, would you say this voice, your inner voice, is nice to you?"

"In what way?"

"Does this voice say nice things? Make you feel happy?"

Gemma sighs, her irritation apparent. "Well let's see. I am an inpatient in a shitty hospital talking to a shrink, all because I tried to do myself in. Yeah of course it's a fucking nice and happy voice".

I nod, trying to remain patient. It's natural that she is going to be frustrated. "Okay, so what does this voice say to you?"

She vehemently shakes her head. "I ain't talking about this doc, just leave it!"

I proceed. I can see tears forming in her eyes. She is going to crack. "Does it call you fat? Does it tell you that you are worthless? Does it talk about the rape?"

She snaps her head back around to face me, giving a glare that would penetrate stone. "I am definitely not discussing that. I won't! Alright?"

"Ahh. So this voice tells you what? That it was your fault you were raped? That you should be strong and pretend it doesn't hurt?"

"Fuck off doc! And she can fuck off too!"

"It's a she? Who? Who does she sound like?"

"No one! Please leave me alone!"

Her bony shoulders are heaving, desperately trying to suppress any sobs. But a few tears escape,spilling down her cheeks. "I won't ask again Gemma, who?"

Gemma snaps, furiously rubbing her eyes. Eyes that are showing the first sign of life.

Her rage radiating through them.

"My fucking mother, who do you think? I want her to leave me alone! Tell her to leave me alone! PLEASE".

She throws herself around, tossing her sheets onto the floor.

I gently rest my hand on her arm. "Gemma. Calm down. It is going to be okay".

She is trying to wriggle away from me. "How? How is any of this ever going to be okay? PLEASE, I can't carry on anymore doc. I just can't".

"Gemma. Listen to me. What you have told me today is going to help you. I will get you some medication".

"No one can save me doc. Nothing can. Why am I so fucked up? WHY?"

I resume my place back in the chair. If she carries on like this I will have to call for help. She is acting erratic, a stark contrast to her usual calm and unfeeling disposition. "Gemma. You can be saved. You aren't messed up, you are ill. What would you do if Jax was sick with the flu?"

She sniffs, her eyes returning to me. "I would take care of him".

"Exactly. Let us do that for you. I am going to go and get you the appropriate medication you need. All you have to do is eat your dinner later. Can you do that for me?"

"I don't know doc. I don't know anymore".

"Gemma, you are giving up before you have even tried. Fight for yourself. We are all here for you".

She turns away from me, sinking under the covers. I suppose it's her way of getting away from everything.

Just before I close the door, I hear a faint, tearful voice. "Thanks doc".

As I walk away from her room the gravity of our talk hits me. Gemma is dealing with a lot more than I had ever anticipated. She has been dealing with a multitude of mental health problems all by herself.

She is a ticking time bomb.

I need to get things in place. Firstly, she needs to be placed on a suicide watch. Not just nurses occasionally looking in, but around the clock care. As for medication, it is a fine line. Yes, I want to alleviate her symptoms, but too often medicine becomes a crutch. A way of temporary relief without tackling your problems head on.

I have to be careful.

Tara's POV:

It has been a few hours. I can't settle, every noise makes me think that Jax is back. I have no idea how he is going to take the news.

But if I have learnt anything from this family, despite their code, it is that secrets should not be kept. I will just have to face Jax's reaction, whatever it may be.

When the door slams shut, I jump off the couch. "Hey! How was the meeting?"

Jax comes in, wrapping his big bear hands around my waist. When he kisses my head, it is like volts of electricity shooting around my body. "Shit darlin. Just planning retribution".

I stand back. "Oh. How do you feel about that?"

"What does it matter? You can't reason with Clay. He is outta control".

"What's the plan?"

Jax pulls me back into his grasp. "To tell you the truth darlin', I weren't listening. All of this is the last thing on my mind".

"That's understandable. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. All I ever hear about is death, illness or bloodshed. I am so sick of the bad news".

Right. Here's my cue. A golden opportunity to tell him. Yet, it feels like my mouth is clamped shut. I can feel the sweat forming on my brow.

Jax notices, "Are you okay Tara? I have been worried about you".

I inhale deeply. "I have some news".

He looks quizzically at me. "Go on then".

"I don't know if you will think it good news or bad news Jax. I am sorry if it is bad news, but I can't ..."

Jax grabs my arm and gently pulls me down on the sofa. "Tara. You are ranting. Whatever it is, we will get through it. We always do".

I shut my eyes. "I am pregnant".

"Oh my god!"

I begin to reopen my eyes, fearful of his reaction. To my surprise, I see him jumping up and down. "You are happy?"

"Happy? Are you joking? We are going to have a baby! Our baby!"

He pulls me up from the couch and spins me around, his eyes twinkling with joy. " I am so relived Jax honestly. With everything..."

"Tara this is the best thing to happen to us! Plus, it will help mom!"

Now it is my turn to look quizzical. "What do you mean?"

Jax dashes into the kitchen, grabbing two glasses of water. "This will make mom better!"

I follow behind him. "How?"

Jax gestures for me to sit down. "She will hear that you are pregnant, sort herself out and come home! There is no way that she will want to miss having another grand-baby!"

I shake my head, sometimes his naivety is staggering. "Calm down Jax. You do know that she is very ill?"

"Yes. I know, but this will change everything. Trust me, I know my mom. She will be wanting to interfere from the beginning!"

I laugh, "We can hope so!"

I might as well humour him. He couldn't be further from the truth. Babies are not an approved form of medication. But if this is what it takes, to give him some hope, I am in.

I am just so glad that he is happy.

"Shall we go to the hospital and tell mom? That would be great!"

I reach across the table and grab his hand. "Jax, have you seen the time? We will go first thing in the morning, I promise!"

"Okay. My god Tara, I could not be happier right now!"

"Neither could I!"

Lich's POV:

As I go to leave, I decide to walk by Gemma's room.

As far as I can tell, Gemma ate a small fraction of her dinner. Not great, but at least there was no riot this time.

I look in. The medication must have kicked in, because Gemma is asleep. It is typical for new medication to make you drowsy for a few days. Plus, the trauma of what happened to Luann is likely to have overwhelmed her. She has had one hell of a day.

I never usually feel upset over my patients. I mean, I have hundreds of patients at any given time. But today was tough, watching someone in so much emotional distress is challenging.

However, Gemma needs to keep talking. Today was a start, but there are many more days to come. Much more talking to do.

AUTHORS NOTE:

There will be a bit of a time jump in the next chapter, as Gemma's medication would require time to kick in. Also, there will be more from other club members and Clay.

Hope you are enjoying!