PREVIOUSLY ON "FALLING APART, BARELY BREATHING":
Addison looking up at - (Take a Random Guess Who).
Who is also smiling!
At HER.
FOR HER.
JUST, AT HER.
With her bright beady eyes whispering "thank-you" along with her very best friend.
Just for Addison. (I DID THAT! I MADE THAT ALL HAPPEN I MADE HER SMILE LIKE THAT!)
If she could leave her a note right now it would surely be right to say-
"To Addison from Meredith, you did a good thing Addie for the Interns. Thank you Addie you just did a really good thing for my friend. You did a really great thing. A really good thing for me, too."
But it's Meredith's smile, brighter than all of those other bright smiles,
That makes Addison's heart melt, now, even more than before.
Chapter 19: Break On Through, Part Nine
"Can I ask you a question?" Meredith says to Cristina while watching Addison (Oh, and the other doctors) operate from the gallery.
They've turned off their speakerphone now so they can hear the gentle murmurs from in the O.R., but the doctors below them can't hear what THEY'RE saying.
Sensing what will come next, Cristina braces herself for this answer.
"WhatWasItLikeToKissAddison?" Meredith stutters as fast as she can.
"Say again?" Cristina whispers closer into her ear this time.
"What was it like to kiss Addison ?" Meredith asks with a bit of a - reverence - when she pronounces Addison's name to Cristina.
"Well…" Cristina looks into Mer's big blue eyes, pausing before she begins.
"Addison is a very good kisser. She likes it when you suck on her bottom lip, and when you bite it. Her lips are soft and full. And she tastes like some sort of sugar and spice. It's nice, really."
Cristina gives a good answer, but she's careful not to gush too much. Firstly, because she knows that Izzie is eyeing her careful now with a slight look of jealousy. Which, she doesn't particularly mind, either.
But mostly, Cristina is careful because she doesn't want to seem like Addison was extremely into HER (Cristina), as she knows very well that this is not the case. And she doesn't want to over-or under-sell the kissing abilities of their mutual boss.
Considering all of those nitty-gritty details makes Cristina's head sort of ache, as she's starting to grow weary of this whole 'mystery-man-not-a-man-at-all' game. And she's looking into Meredith's eyes now trying to read into her best friend's expression.
"Hey, what's going through your head right now?" Cristina asks Meredith rather tenderly.
"I-I-" Meredith stutters before she's ready to start. She wants to share with Cristina, share everything that's going on inside her head.
(She's a bit fuzzy starting to think of it all. Those warm fuzzy feelings were growing stronger for the redhead Attending with each passing second. It was getting hard to contain all of them!)
(But on the other hand, Meredith is still super hung-up on this mystery person of hers. She doesn't talk about it too much with Cristina. But Cristina KNOWS her, she would understand.)
(She's not sure why she feels this special draw or special pull towards this unknown person who once took her home. But the detail in being cared for, without any sex, here in Seattle… Was…)
(It was just something special. It had to have been someone extremely selfless. And extremely selfless and caring people are not usually the types who frequent the bar across the street.)
(Usually, Meredith's one night stands and drunken tequila lays are so bottom-of-the-barrel that she's embarrassed to mention them. But she's embarrassed to mention THIS one for the opposite reason.)
(She's scared to get too attached to someone who might no longer be interested in her after all. I mean they left her a note with no NAME on it for god's sakes and she got her key back shortly after with no more notes and no words and no signs.)
(Maybe this 'mystery person' - somewhere along in the bitterness Meredith had resigned herself that she had no proof it was a man. Or a woman. But she didn't want to generalize either.)
(Maybe this 'mystery person' did not ever or would not have any romantic potential with her at all. At first, Meredith had thought that it had been a love note. But could they just be a friend?)
"Mer?" "Hey, what's going through your head right now?" Cristina asks Meredith rather tenderly. Even more tenderly than the first time.
"Oh, I was just thinking about, well, Addison " Meredith lets her name fall from her lips before she realizes she's said it.
"Ah," Cristina says to her simply. "What are you thinking about then?" Cristina offers her.
"Well, I guess I was thinking about kissing Addison," Meredith says before cursing internally at herself for letting that part slip out easily as well.
"But just ah- because you were talking about it- I mean-" Meredith fumbles, trying to backtrack even more.
"It's okay for you to think about that," Cristina says. And it might have been one of those perfect things for Cristina to have said to her in that moment then.
"You don't think that that's wrong?" Meredith asks quite suspiciously.
"No, I don't think that it's wrong" Cristina smiles to her simply.
"But it SHOULD be, right? I mean I broke up her MARRIAGE. I dated her HUSBAND."
"She didn't know about ME."
"I didn't know about HER."
"And then she shows up here all leggy and fabulous and I just - I just couldn't ever look away," Meredith says sort of in a daze.
"I mean when you put it THAT way, it is a little messed up. But I mean you are dark and twisty McMeredith. If the She-Shepherd is sort of your thing you be you" Cristina jokes with her.
"But she wouldn't be She-Shepherd once she divorces the He-Shepherd" Meredith says to her hopefully.
"Touché" Cristina laughs along with that one.
"So what IS it about you and married people though? This might be a problem if it becomes pathological" Cristina says sympathetically to Mer.
"I don't know and I'm not sure the married part had anything to do with it. I AM NOT A HOMEWRECKER, or at least I don't try to be" Meredith says with a huff.
"It's true; Derek didn't even tell you about Addison" Cristina nods at her gently.
"And then Addison shows up and she's not hard to hate you know. And she saved your damn life and I just can't get OVER that" Meredith says with slightly watering eyes at Cristina.
"Hey, I'm not going anywhere," she says gently. "I know, but that's because Addison's fingers are MAGICAL!" Meredith says before she thinks more of it.
"What?" Meredith says with a confused sort of look.
"Nothing I'm just wondering if you were just thinking about Addison's magical fingers running all through your hair or rubbing circles onto your thighs" Cristina smirks at her.
"CRISTINA!" Meredith exclaims. "I WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT SURGERY!"
"But I bet NOW that you're thinking about her hands in other places. On YOUR places" Cristina laughs at her as she sees Meredith's face start to flush and her eyes start to wander below.
As Meredith starts to consider some of the scenarios and more that Cristina mentioned...
(Like Addison's fingers up over her thigh. Lacing them with hers and then kissing them with her lips. Like Addison running all up and down Meredith's legs. Like getting to touch ADDISON's legs.)
(Like her fingers falling upon her thin waist again like she had when Meredith held her. Getting to hold Addison's body so much closer to hers again. Like Meredith feeling how she breathes.)
(Like feeling how Addison's luscious Red hair would feel running through her own fingers through it. Seriously, she looked like a GODDESS. How could Derek give THAT up, she just had to ask him someday…)
(Oh and Addison's hands running through HER hair. Meredith imagines that would feel just AMAZING. And having her long fingertips brush over her lips. And dip over her breasts…)
(And run down her back. Oh and her long fingernails. Meredith imagines her on top of Addison and Addison digging her nails right into Meredith's back. The pain and the pleasure.)
(I wonder how Addison LIKES IT in bed. Is she tender and soft? Is she quick, fast and dirty? Is she a slow kisser or a fast kisser? Does she like tongues? I like lots of tongue Mer thinks.)
(Would she kiss the way Derek does because that's what she's used to? If I kiss her should I kiss her the way Derek kisses ME because I would guess that's how she liked it?)
(Or would that just not make sense because if she's splitting with him maybe their sex wasn't great at all. See it's weird because I've been in bed with Derek. And I have a crush on Addison. But I don't like to think of them in bed TOGETHER because then I get jealous of DEREK.)
(And that makes me rage. And then I start thinking angry thoughts. And then I start thinking angry kinky sex angry thoughts. Like if I ever got mad with Addison how I'd just back her right into a wall.)
(And then I'd start kissing her rough till she begged me. And then I still wouldn't stop kissing her until she took my hand by the wrist and shoved my fingers inside of her pants.)
(And then I'd screw her all senseless until she finished so hard. And then I'd want her all over again so I'd throw her onto my bed. And then I would ravage her body with hot kisses and touches.)
(And then I'd finally let her touch me back once she's come several times. And then I'd want her to go HARDER and FASTER and MORE. So then I'd buck my hips into her. And then she might pull my hair.)
(Or maybe I'd pull on HER hair. Or at least bit her earlobe. I bet her collarbone would taste really delicious. And that I'd want to give her all sorts of hickeys so everyone knows that she's MINE.)
(And I'd want her to suck on MY neck too so I could feel her hot breath there. And then I'd want to feel her tongue there. And then I'd want her mouth on my breasts. And I'd love that Mmm-)
"Mmm-" Meredith imagines…
"MEREDITH!" Cristina shoves her into her side.
"Whoa, what?" Meredith asks her as if nothing had happened.
"You were MOANING, in the gallery, of the O.R. that we're sitting in!" Cristina hushes to her.
"OH SHIT!" Meredith swears suddenly and cups her hand to her mouth.
"Jeez, you were calling out like a whore. I'm sure that Ms. McDreamy would probably get off on it and all. But I am NOT Addison so I do NOT need to hear you moaning for her" Cristina says.
"I am SO EMBARRASSED" Meredith blushes profusely.
"There is a lot more sort of serious things that I like about Addison " Meredith starts up again.
Cristina nods more at Meredith to go on, knowing Mer could go on all day about her crushes.
"She should hate me but she never ever has. The first day I worked with her she requested me;
"I thought it was to torture me but it wasn't. She just wanted to see who I was. Some morbid curiosity maybe? Some penchant for self-destruct buttons? Who knows..."
Cristina starts to smile at Meredith finally expressing her feelings for Addison. To someone at least. To her best friend.
It was hard for Cristina. It was hard in the beginning, hard for her now.
She felt like she had to be this sort of unhelpful Yoda at times; playing the two sides of the coin like an intricate dance.
She wishes that sometimes, someone in her life had done this for her.
Well, okay. Addison had sort of helped her. And Mer. Well, all her friends really. She was lucky.
Not that she needed much help to sense that she and Izzie had possibility - maybe? Cristina can see the way Izzie is eyeing her curiously and how she just looked away after stating.
So maybe she doesn't need that much help in the ladies department, after all. Or maybe it was just so much sheer dumb luck that the girl that she liked-liked her back or so it seemed that way…
"Hey, are you listening Cristina!" Mer exclaims at her all of the sudden. "Huh, yeah. Right. Addison." Cristina fumbles.
"Stop staring at your crush when I'm talking to YOU about MINE," Meredith says to her.
"Hey POT, meet KETTLE!" Cristina whisper-shouts back at her.
"You're staring at Addison right here right now!" Cristina says right back.
"Shhh, I think Addison is giving directions. I wanna hear her talk" Meredith hushes her with her shoulder a bit.
"Case in point" Cristina mutters as they listen in on the surgery below.
They can't really hear them well, with no microphone on. But they don't dare switch the switch talking about what they're talking about.
Burke, Bailey, Richard, Derek, and Addison are all still operating on this woman who is in not such good shape.
Luckily, she has stabilized for now and appears to be doing better.
During this time the doctors tend to talk about other things as they finish the tedious work of sutures and stitches.
And somehow, as always (to the frustration of Miranda Bailey especially,) the doctors are now talking about their own love lives.
"So how was Cristina in, you know?" Derek asks Burke out in the open.
"Pretty damn good," Burke starts to say. But Addison cuts him right off to say "I do NOT want to hear it, Preston" giving him a rather nasty glare.
Bailey and Richard get mad at Burke for taking advantage and being the kind of guy who would want a little girlfriend to feel the need to lie for him.
"Why are you interested in her?" Derek asks her in a tease.
"WHAT?!" Addison exclaims, going red by the second. "WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT!" she exclaims.
"Well, the fact that you are denying it so far makes it seem rather plausible," Derek says to her then.
"That doesn't mean that I'm interested, Derek, just rather shook up that you are my husband and that you're asking me if I want to date one of our colleague's ex-girlfriends?"
"After she JUST had an ectopic pregnancy that I had to save her from which she was hiding from you-
Preston Burke because she might have been afraid you'd make her keep it or abort it or do something that she did NOT want to do with her own body.
Burke is being a tool to Cristina for breaking it off, Addison thinks.
"So that's what I'm so upset over." Addison lands rather far from her starting point.
"See, the way you just defended her both to me and to her ex-boyfriend makes me wonder even more than before.
"Are you turning into a lesbian Addie? I got to say maybe our marriage was bound to fail for that anyhow" Derek says to her with a McStupid McSmirk.
"I- I- I DO NOT HAVE A THING OR A CRUSH ON CRISTINA!" Addison exclaims with a thud.
"It's okay if you do I would understand it rather well" Preston Burke starts to offer.
"Really Preston, why would that be?" Addison asks him.
But she regrets asking that question the way he smirks at her then. It's a dirty rather suggestive smile that Addison starts to see as SO much more repulsive than ever before.
"Because you both are extremely hot and attractive and driven young women," Burke says to her. "And I've been attracted to both of you at times, so I can see where you might be attracted to each other that's all" Burke confirms.
Bailey is giving Webber a pleading look to make them stop this, but Webber is concentrating rather hard on his surgery so he's not really hearing a whole lot of what anybody is saying.
"NEVER GONNA HAPPEN, PRESTON," Addison says with a humph. "The nerve of you even, flirting with a MARRIED WOMAN while she operates on a PATIENT with her HUSBAND as her assistant" Addison fumes now again.
"But you always keep insisting you call him your EX-HUSBAND" Preston Burke shrugs at her.
"She does," Derek confirms with a shrug. "I find it alright actually I still have my eye on someone else anyways. Plus I talked to the lawyers now and we can get the divorce settled potentially by tomorrow night. Are you free then? Derek asks her. "We could go to dinner first," he offers.
Addison bursts into a snort because "divorcing people don't go on dinner dates, Derek" she just says to him in a sort of a huff. "But we're just having dinner anyways," he says in his McDreamy eyes.
"Just to say goodbye though" Addison finds herself giving in to him.
"Just until the divorce. Just until you go." Derek looks up at her hollow this time. Like he's searching for something like he wants not to have her back, but for something.
It's fascinating that they are both happy to be separating. But there still is this pull. They were friends for a long time so it's understandable they'd feel a longing for a specific closure.
"Do you have anything in mind?" Derek asks her. "No, just not Italian or Vietnamese," Addison asks of him
(Because secretly she sort of wants to take MEREDITH there, to the Vietnamese place Cristina Yang name-dropped her ages ago. And she wants to go there the first time with HER and not HIM.)
"How about Thai then?" Derek asks with a smile. Like he's asking her out on their first date all over again. Which was also Thai.
"Trying to reel in some nostalgia" Addison asks a bit bitterly.
"It's just - I knew you liked it that's all," he says honestly and Addison accepts Derek's answer.
"Or at least, you wouldn't hate it" his eyes roughen over again and Addison sighs.
"Very well, Thai it is" Addison concedes now.
"So are you?" Derek questions at her once again.
"Am I?" Mirrors Addison with a questioning tone.
"Are you becoming a LESBIAN?" Derek says with a jeer.
"God, you really don't give up on that one, do you" she swears.
"Lesbians are hot," Burke says to her the same way a 14-year-old boy might.
"They are," Derek adds with a smirk.
"Ugh, men" Addison wants to throw something like a brick at them now.
"Ugh, men is what usually lesbians think about boys in the bedroom" BAILEY now chimes in here.
"WHAT!" Addison exclaims at Miranda this time.
"Well, you ASKED" Bailey gives her that all-knowing glance.
"Ugh, fine. I find women attractive. But I don't want to date Cristina Yang. Are we satisfied now?" Addison says with a huff.
"I KNEW IT," says Derek. "You always looked at your best friend Naomi sort of that way. Mostly while you were drunk but there was a look in your eye. A look that used to be only for me…" Derek continues.
"It was the lust look. The one you'd get when you were on your like- cycle or something. The one that meant that I should take an early night off, buy a bottle of champagne and wash the sheets over again" Derek says with a smirk.
"I- really? You did all that? " Addison says in surprise. "You have certain tells in your body you know. When you want something. When you want SEX. Like your hips move more than before, or you start to rub on my shoulders more often" he says.
"I'm surprised you're only telling me this now," Addison says a bit stunned.
"It hurt to say it because it wasn't always directed at ME," Derek says with sadness.
"And more than half the time it seemed like it was about a woman," he says. "You'd see a hot girl at the beach or at the bar. Sometimes you'd flirt with her, subconsciously, I guess, at least. More times it was that they would be flirting with YOU. And you'd, I don't know you'd just enjoy it a lot, a lot more than one might expect...from someone completely straight" he says.
"It was all really innocent, you never moved forward. But the way that you looked at those women, the way that those women molded you in their hands if they did touch you, even accidentally. I don't know, I guess I always wondered, that's all" he says softly. And Addison just nods at him in simple understanding.
Addison realizes the pain he might have caused to Derek through this. But she gives him a look that lets him know it's on his side too.
Addison has been watching for years how Derek has fallen in love with his male best friend. And she's sad in a way, too that her husband could not admit this part of who he was, either.
And the difference now is that Addison is admitting her (apparently not-so-newfound-) feelings of attraction towards the same sex - in her case towards women - in general -
(generally directed to one woman in particular - Meredith Grey - But she's not ready to admit THAT part out loud to anyone - anyone ELSE - not yet at least...).
But she's not going to force out Derek to do the same unless he wants to, which he clearly doesn't because he's looking away...
(As Meredith looks down at the pain and the sadness in Addison's eyes, all she wants is to be able to hold on to her tight. She wants to wrap her arms around this tall woman just like she did when she slipped.)
(Meredith wants to catch Addie right out of the air. She wants to be there when she falls. She wants to be around for her hurt. Meredith wants to be the kind of person her mystery person was to her.)
(Although she's still not over that 'mystery person'. And although her crush on this woman is still in its infancy. Or maybe it's preschool or even it's childhood years. Maybe teenage? Yes, Teenage feelings that'll do.)
(Meredith still thinks to herself, throughout all the heartache she's had; she's never had the same as Addison either. Sure they were both hurt by Derek. But she was never married then divorced.)
(She was never in something so deep 11 years - half Meredith's life Addison had been with this person. And now she can see all the mixed emotions clouding Addison's face. And all Meredith wants to do is to brush the tears off of Addison's cheek and to tell her she's okay.)
***** END OF CHAPTER 19