Our little family is getting on with life in this one. A warning here, its got some angst in this one. Also, spoilers for some sexual situations so be forewarned. Hang tight during this chapter and the next, we promise chapter 18 will be fluffy with all of the family feels.
We hope that during this uncertain time, this serves as a good distraction. We hope you are able to stay safe and healthy and that you are all doing well. Much love and gratitude to all of you. Let us know what you think and how you are doing! More chapters to come very soon.
Stay safe,
keeperofwords and Hayley
Chapter 16: In My Dreams
Cassandra held her older sister's hand and darted through their childhood home, up the main staircase and into the bedroom they used to share when they were kids. The walls were covered in band posters and polaroid pictures. They shut the door behind them and worked together to shove their dresser in front of it, as they often did in an attempt to feel like they had some kind of control of their own space. They would be safe in here. They laughed and talked on the floor of their bedroom, painting on canvases and catching up on college stories.
"Her name is Shelby, and you would love her…" Cassandra talked about her lover.
"She sounds incredible," Monica looked up at Cassandra and smiled with her cobalt blue eyes. "I know the both of you will take good care of our little sister…"
"What?" Cassandra said. "What sister?"
"She's only a baby, Cassie, you have to be careful with her…you have to know what you're doing and you've never had a baby...promise me you'll take good care of her…" Monica's voice went almost shrill.
"Monica, I-"
Her sister morphed into Shelby, who rolled her head back and smiled softly. "Kiss me, fool." her voice was sultry, a complete opposite of what it had been only moments before.
Cassandra hesitated to even move. "Shelby?" She felt like she was spinning.
"Unless you don't have time for me anymore… what's wrong, Cassie? Why aren't you paying attention? Your parents are dead, it's time to move on…Get yourself together…"
"Shelby, what are you talking about?" Cassandra stood and Shelby stood with her, mirroring her.
"You're losing it, Cassie… You can't handle this… Don't disappoint us…"
Cassandra reached out for Shelby's hand but it evaporated with her touch. Cassandra shivered. "...Shelby?"
But Shelby couldn't answer her before the door behind her flew open, the dresser nearly slamming Shelby in the back. Cassandra's father stood at the door, his dirty blonde hair uncombed and covering his eyes from the effort of opening the door. Cassandra felt the room pounding, her chest constricting.
"I told you girls not to close this door," He moved his hair out of his face so he could glare into Cassandra's soul when he continued, "Disappointment. It's a real shame that you never do what you're told." her father's voice was low and gravelly, making the hair on Cassandra's arms stand up. Frozen to her spot, she watched as her father grabbed Shelby by the waist and dragged her into the hallway. Shelby kicked her legs in protest, trying to gain traction against the hardwood floor of the bedroom. "Cassie! Don't let anyone hurt me! You promised!"
"NO!" Cassandra jumped to her feet and bolted for the door. "Shelby! LET GO OF-" her voice caught in her throat and she watched in horror as her father shoved Shelby down the staircase. Shelby let out a scream as Cassandra fell to her knees.
She startled awake, sitting up fast and sucking in a sharp breath that made her cough, her hand over her chest. "Shelby. Shelby," the morning sun peaked out from behind their curtain and shined in her eyes as she tried to open them. She reached her hand out frantically until she could feel Shelby's leg under the covers.
Shelby jolted awake as soon as she felt Cassandra's touch. "Cassie? What's wrong? Honey?" She took in Cassandra's panicked stare. "Honey you need to breathe. Are you okay?"
"Shelby…" Cassandra leaned into her wife and buried her head in her neck, tangling her arms around her. "I can't breathe. Oh my god…" She moved her hands across Shelby's arms, holding them a little tighter to prove she was really there. She moved her hands up into Shelby's hair, pulling her closer. She couldn't be close enough. "Shelby…"
"What is it, baby?" Shelby asked, melting into Cassandra's warm touch. "What's wrong?"
"You're okay," Cassandra breathed. She placed a gentle kiss on the base of Shelby's neck.
"Of course I'm okay," Shelby said, accepting her wife's intimacy. She felt Cassandra's lips trail up her neck, then back down and around her collar bone. They were lingering kisses that left fire in their path. "Cassie, what's-"
"Shhh, please…" Cassandra continued her kiss trail, her lips following the curve of her wife's breast and in towards her breast bone. "I don't want to talk right now…"
"Okay," Shelby whispered, her train of thought leaving her when she felt her left nipple in her wife's mouth. "We just-" Cassandra nibbled hard enough for Shelby to cross her legs and tense ever so slightly, but not enough to hurt her. "Need to be…"
"I know," Cassandra said once she pulled her eyes up to meet Shelby's. "Please let me worship you." they exchanged energy with their eyes. Shelby knew something was wrong, or Cassandra would not be up this early, but this was what Cassandra needed right now. She would get the truth out of her later, when her emotions weren't so high. Sex was always Cassandra's first fix.
"Okay," Shelby agreed, pulling Cassandra closer. Cassandra moved her body between her wife's thighs and removed her shirt, needing to feel Shelby's skin against hers. Shelby removed her tank top and discarded it on the floor next to her, leaving herself in only her underwear on the sunny summer morning. Pools of sunlight from the window warmed parts of her body, making her glow. Cassandra kissed those parts of her, starting at her shoulder and moving down to her lower abs. Cassie's touch was slow, sensual. Every touch, every kiss intending to make Shelby feel deeply. Shelby swore she could feel her soul lift as her passion rose.
At this moment in time, losing herself to her wife's masterful touch was a confirmation of love and support. Professing their vows in this tangible way connected them to one another during this stressful, ever-changing time. They were together, and Shelby was there to show Cassandra that she would be there in any and all ways she could to help her heal. Even if that meant that Cassandra's need to replace emotions with sex took over for a while.
Cassandra tried to push her insecurities away with each kiss, each touch. Shelby's soft moans invited her to continue and made her feel wanted. Loved. Validated. She kissed Shelby's inner thigh and felt her wife adjust to welcome her adoration. Cassandra felt so desperate, and as Shelby laced her fingers in her hair, Cassandra felt comfortable enough to ravish her. She took Shelby's arms and held them above the woman's head, their lips connecting lovingly. Cassandra moved against Shelby, with Shelby's thigh between her legs. She slid her knee up against Shelby and made her breath hitch.
"Cassie…" Shelby whispered desperately. "Fuck me…"
It was the invitation Cassandra had been waiting for, and Shelby knew that deep down Cassandra was just looking for that acceptance. For someone to need her that badly. Cassandra's touch inside of her made her head fall back, and she gripped the headboard with one hand.
"Jesus christ…" Shelby whispered. "Cassandra…"
"Yes, Shelby…?" Cassandra responded, her voice low and seductive. She slowed as she felt her wife tighten around her and pulled Shelby close to help her release her body's tension and relax into her. "I love you," Cassandra whispered into Shelby's ear. "I need you."
"I love…" Shelby bit her lip, fighting the urge to cry out. "You. Too." Her body collapsed into her wife and she breathlessly wrapped herself tighter around her, feeling the lower part of her body pulse. "What. Was that."
Cassandra didn't respond. Instead, she placed her lips to Shelby's forehead and kept them there for a long time, moving her hand and the rest of her body carefully until they were laying next to each other in the bed. After taking a second to breathe, Shelby looked over at her wife, into her eyes once more.
"I love you more than you know," Shelby said to her. Cassandra raised an eyebrow self consciously and Shelby moved to lay between her wife's legs.
"Because of the sex?" Cassandra was only half joking.
"No," Shelby whispered, softly, sad that Cassandra would feel that way. "You're so much more than that, Cassandra."
"I need-"
"I know, sweetheart," Shelby pressed her lips to Cassandra's core and made quick work with her hands to help make Cassandra feel whole. The completeness she was currently craving. It wouldn't take much. She covered Cassandra's mouth with her free hand and kissed up her stomach to meet her eyes. Cassandra's soul was screaming and it broke Shelby's heart. She pressed as close to her wife as physically possible. "Cassie," she said, her silky voice driving Cassandra over the edge. "Baby...let go…"
She muffled Cassandra's cry out against her hand as she fell apart. Shelby watched as a single tear slid down Cassandra's cheek, and knew that it wasn't because she had hurt her.
Time had stopped, a pause in the frantic pace of their crazy lives. Two lovers, connecting, giving, receiving, reminding each other that the other is there. They had taken a moment of complete, unconditional, passionate love. Time would start again, it always did, but in that healing moment it had just been Cassandra and Shelby together. Acting as one.
. . .
Rachel tossed and turned in her bed, unable to open her eyes. Her dream was not like the ones she'd had before, of the Reverend. This time, her nightmarish visions were of her Mommy and Mama.
They had sat her in the corner of a dark room. She could feel a cold chill, and when she looked down she realized she didn't have any shoes or socks on. Her bedroom door was opened so she could see into the next room.
Mommy and Mama were dancing, stumbling over each other with big grins on their faces. Mama had Baby Cadence cradled between them. Shocked and saddened, Rachel cried out for her mother.
"Mommy! Mommy!" Rachel screamed, desperately trying to get her mother's attention. Her voice wasn't loud she screamed it was like no sound came out, so she tried to scream louder. "Mommmmyyyyyyyy!"
Her brown eyelashes fluttered open to see Shelby's concerned face looking down at her. Rachel jumped at the sudden change in scenery. With the dream still fresh in her mind, Rachel surged forward and wrapped her arms tightly around her mother's neck. Her mother was here with her now, paying attention to only her, and that was all that mattered.
Rachel sobbed heavily into Shelby's bare shoulder, her hot cheek feeling instantly soothed by her mother's cooler skin. Without warning, Rachel leapt into her arms, and Shelby readjusted the tank top she'd haphazardly thrown on so that she didn't accidentally give her little girl a show.
She had rolled out of bed at lightning speed to respond to Rachel's nightmare-induced screams, grabbing the first pair of shorts and tank she could find that were close to her. While she was getting out of her side of the bed, her wife was getting out of the other to respond to Cadence, who Rachel had unfortunately woken up.
So started the day and the lives of mothers of two young children.
Rachel scrambled up Shelby's body and clutched to her like a baby koala. Shelby was glad that her nine-year-old was petite and small for her age, because her poor back probably could not take it if Rachel weighed another ten pounds.
"Shhhhhhhh," Shelby murmured, pivoting on her bare heel to instinctively look for Rachel's gliding rocker only to see it was missing from the bedroom.
She cursed to herself. She had forgotten to bring it back to Rachel's room after using it to get Cadence to fall asleep the night before. Making a mental note to be sure that it was returned to its rightful place no later than after breakfast, Shelby also decided to bring the rocker that was currently downstairs up to Cadence's room and finally set it up.
"Mommy, are y-you and Mama going to be spending all of your time with the baby and my rocking chair now?" Rachel sniffed. "Why did you take my chair, Mommy? Why have you been acting w-weird since we came home from N-New York?"
Shelby took a deep breath and chewed her bottom lip. "Mommy grabbed your rocking chair quickly because Cadence's isn't put together yet, Rachie. I'm so sorry. I will bring it back to you as soon as I can, okay?" she said softly, feeling like a failure. "Why don't you go to your room and I will meet you in ten minutes, okay?"
Rachel's eyes widened, shaking her head rapidly. She didn't want her mommy to disappear and get distracted with Mama and the baby again before she made it back to the bedroom.
"Okay, well, honey, I have to shower and change before you and I can sit down and have our talk…" Shelby sighed, running a tired hand through her hair. It was greasy, and tangled from sex. She was starting to feel the exhaustion hit her body and she knew she needed a shower but she couldn't keep putting off speaking with Rachel, either. "Okay, how about this. Walk with me to the bedroom, stand by the doorway while I run into the bathroom to shower and change, then we can walk to your room to talk, okay?"
"Why can't I sit on the bed? You always let me sit on the bed," Rachel pouted. This was completely unfair. Why did everything have to be different now that they were home from New York? Why was everybody acting so crazy?
Shelby walked them to the master bedroom and wracked her brain. She knew Cassandra wasn't there anymore, but Rachel did not need to be near the bed until they replaced the sheets at the very least. "Because, honey..." she said, trying to figure out the best way to answer her nine-year-old. She let out a tired breath. She was exhausted and the day had just begun.
Rachel cut her off, with a sad lip quiver. "Am I being exasperating?" she asked quietly.
Surprised, Shelby blinked her eyes and set Rachel down in the door frame of the master bedroom. Rachel curled her little toes into the carpet, feeling small and allowing the softness of the fabric comfort her.
"Where did you learn that word?" Shelby answered her question with a question.
"Sometimes when Mama annoys Aunt Dee Dee, she calls her exasperating." Rachel explained, her eyes wide. Her heart started to race a little bit just thinking about getting on her mothers' nerves too much. What if she got so annoyed she sent her away?
"Honey, you're not annoying me, and you're not being exasperating" Shelby said softly. "I'm just trying to think. The bed is just messy right now, okay? I need to clean this whole bedroom, it's just dirty and messy. You know how Mommy hates mess. Just give me a few minutes and then we can spend some time together and talk, okay?"
Rachel nodded in agreement to her mother's request, but inside she utterly hated the idea. Why couldn't she go sit on the toilet lid and talk to her mom while she showered, like she did when she first came to the mansion? Things were so different now, and Rachel feared that most of these changes would not be for the better or work out in her favor. It was not lost on her that her mother had not even asked her what was wrong in the first place.
When her mother stepped away from her and into the bathroom, Rachel felt a cold shiver that was not due to the air conditioner being on. She remembered her first day after she had been discovered in the mansion. The first morning after they found her, Shelby had gone to take a shower. She had been so worried that Shelby had gone upstairs to call the cops, and that they were going to take her away. She was not worried about that anymore, but the same gurgling feeling in her stomach and chill went through her when her mother shut the bathroom door on her and the water of the shower started.
She knew that other kids sometimes forgot what they ate for breakfast, or forgot their phone numbers, or how to do the things they were supposed to be doing on their homework. Rachel was not good at school things. She remembered her address and the first three numbers of Mommy's phone number. The things she did remember with clarity and sharpness were some of the worst things that happened to her, particularly right before she came to the mansion, back when she was still living with the Reverend. Being with Mama and Mommy never made her feel this bad, but her nightmares made her remember the feeling more often than she would like, and she wanted her Mommy to comfort her from feeling the bad things and remembering those awful memories.
She was supposed to be a big girl now. That's what Aunt Stef had told her when she had stopped by with her school assignments the night when she met Cadence, when she had picked them up at the airport since they all couldn't fit in Aunt Dee Dee's car. Besides, Reverend would have told her she was acting like a baby if he had been there after her nightmare, Rachel decided. It had just been a stupid dream.
Stupid.
She had called out to her mother, and it seemed to Rachel like she had interrupted something between her Mommy and Mama. She didn't want to think about what it was, but she had a pretty good idea. All she knew was that it was not a bad thing between Mommy and Mama, because they didn't hurt each other, they agreed to it, and liked what they did. That's what Mama had explained to her one day after she heard Mama and Mommy talking about it.
Sighing, Rachel stepped away from the master bedroom and shut the door behind herself quietly. The nine-year old was keenly aware that Mama would be in Cady's new room.
Busy. Mama's busy. Big surprise…
Rachel stepped into her own room, thinking about changing into actual clothes. But her mothers were having a backyard party with the rest of the family that night and she wasn't sure what to wear to something like that, so she kept her nightgown on. She did, however, quickly throw on a pair of sandals before climbing down the stairs, taking them at a quick clip. Normally, she would go to the attic, but after Dee intruded the night before, she didn't feel like going there as much.
Nobody was around yet downstairs, so Rachel figured Aunt Dee Dee must have gone out somewhere for the morning. The kitchen didn't smell like coffee like it usually did, but then, Mama wasn't downstairs yet either. Barbara had stayed upstairs, probably so she could bug Mama to feed her, since the sun was coming up. A little voice told Rachel to not go outside because she was supposed to ask before doing anything like that, but Rachel hated that little voice.
It's not like I'm going down the street or anything, right? Rachel justified to herself. She was just going to go to the backyard and get some fresh air. Mommy goes for walks when she gets upset, doesn't she? Of course, Mommy had gotten yelled at by Mama that time when she slipped on the ice. But it's not even winter, and there's no ice outside anyways.
Rachel yanked the kitchen door open. It slammed with a thud behind her and she looked back, a little worried it was going to alert someone, but then she remembered they were all upstairs and there was no way they heard that. When she stepped into the grass with her sandals, her feet got wet from the summer morning dew. She scrunched her nose in disgust, hating the squishy feeling under her feet and knowing the dew would make her shoes slippery. Leaning down, she unstrapped them and stepped out of them. If her feet were already wet, why bother to even wear the shoes at all? As long as she remembered to wipe her feet dry when she went back in the house, Mommy and Mama would never know.
. . .
Shelby stepped into her steaming shower and welcomed the hot water as it surrounded her and soaked through her hair. She tried to run her fingers through it, but decided that would be impossible until she had some kind of conditioner to soften and untangle the long brown locks. Shuddering from the sudden change in body temperature, she let out a tense breath, her chest feeling tight and her head starting to throb. It felt as if she were walking on a glass panel that was ready to shatter under her feat if she made any of the wrong moves.
Already, she had made at least three mistakes that morning and at least five the night before. Her perfectionist brain was eating her alive. Taking Rachel's rocking chair had been a big slip on her part, and she knew she owed Rachel a better apology for that. They had promised her that Cadence would have her own chair, but Dee had been too busy after purchasing it to put it together with everything else that had been going on. It was still sitting in its box in the corner of Cadence's new nursery, and Shelby had needed a quick fix. In the moment, stressed and desperate, she had taken Rachel's rocking chair.
When she'd heard Rachel screaming that morning, Shelby hadn't thought about how she needed to have a full conversation with Rachel that would likely take a decent chunk of the morning. She knew she should have realized that she and Cassandra should have woken up earlier or showered immediately after their morning antics. If she'd taken a second to strip the bed, Rachel could have waited for her there and felt closer to her mother, rather than having to stand in the doorway.
You're being a terrible mother, Shelby said to herself, lathering her hair with an excess of coconut shampoo. You need to be better at communicating with everyone. Dee would know what to do. Rachel almost caught you having sex...you need to be more careful...and you need to talk to Cassie about what the hell got into her this morning... Something is wrong or she wouldn't have started moving so suddenly…She isn't going to want to talk to me about it...
She rinsed the suds out, trying to be mindful of how much time she was spending in the bathroom since she knew Rachel was still waiting on her. You need to have more patience, Shelby. This is all just as hard on Rachel as it is on you. You need to breathe. Cassie is going to struggle and that's going to have to be okay. You can't fix everything... She released another breath, realizing that her jaw had been clenched from the tension of being so on edge. Knowing what she needed to do and actually doing it, she realized, were two different things. In theory, relaxing and balancing were genius ideas. In practice they felt nearly impossible.
After soaping up and rinsing her body, she washed her favorite argan oil conditioner out of her hair and stood under the hot water for five extra seconds in an attempt to calm her heart. Being flustered isn't helping anyone or anything. Go out there and talk to your daughter and remind her how much you love her.
She got out of the shower and dried herself off, slipping on a plain white sundress (Cassandra often referred to it as Shelby's housework dress) and not bothering to blow dry her hair because she knew that Rachel would be impatient. When she opened the bathroom door, she was not entirely shocked to find that Rachel was not still waiting. Her heart skipped a beat regardless and she made her way to the bed, ruffling through the covers to see if she had jumped into the bed despite her mother telling her not to. No Rachel.
"Fuck," Shelby let out a frustrated little growl and sucked air through her teeth. "I swear to god…" she quickly walked out of the bedroom and into the main upstairs hallway. "Rachel!" she called out her daughter's name with no answer. Annoyed, Shelby checked her watch as she re-fastened it around her wrist. She had only been in the shower for 10 minutes. "Rachel Corcoran-July!" she tried again. No response. "Jesus christ, Rachel, I'm doing my best…" Shelby all but cried to herself.
She popped her head in Rachel's doorway and was unsurprised to see that the little girl was not in there either. When she stopped in Cadence's nursery, Cassandra looked her wife up and down with wide eyes.
"Why are you yelling? You're scaring the baby," she said.
"Excuse the fuck out of me," Shelby said, leaving the room and running down the stairs. Cassandra followed right behind her, carrying a fussy Cadence in her arms and taking a significantly slower pace because of it.
"Shelby, what the hell is your problem?" she asked, bewildered. Half an hour ago they had been worshipping each other and she was not understanding Shelby's sudden shift in mood. "Where is Rachel?"
"If you find out, let me know," Shelby shot back. "I don't have a problem, I'm sorry, I'll be right back…" she searched the ground floor of the mansion, leaving Cassandra at the bottom of the staircase near the main entrance. "Rachel!" she called out again. "I'm not playing games, honey, please come see Mommy!"
She waited a few seconds before letting out a huff, her heart racing a little bit faster. It wasn't unlike Rachel to hide somewhere and not respond to being called, but with how clingy she had been only moments earlier, the silence was concerning. Shelby sped through the kitchen and hopped the attic steps, but Rachel wasn't up there either.
"I can't even keep track of one daughter, how am I supposed to be able to handle two of them," Shelby whispered to herself, winded. This is what you wanted, Shelby. She reminded herself. You asked for your daughter back. You have to take responsibility. You have to pay more attention to her and find a better way to balance your life. You're going crazy.
"I'm going crazy," Shelby repeated out loud, having made her way back to the kitchen. She leaned over the island and put her head in her hands. When she looked up, through the window, she spied Rachel in the backyard. Shelby's heart calmed considerably and she felt Cassandra's gentle hand rest on her shoulder.
. . .
Angry at the world, Rachel picked up her shoe and threw it with all her might into the yard. It felt so good to do that, and she crossed her arms over her chest before kicking the other with a satisfying grunt. It hit one of the branches of the big oak and acorns scattered. Some flew as far as onto the back of the driveway, and one even hit the side of the house. Rachel smirked, ready to make more scatter and help burn off her frustration. The neighborhood squirrels would thank her for making their job easier. To do this right, she would need something bigger and better than a stupid sandal. Off in the side yard at the Victorian lay a huge long stick. It would be perfect to swing.
Rachel ran through the grass and picked it up, running back into a sprint to get to work. If she worked hard enough, Rachel knew she could hit enough to spray the whole driveway, the back porch steps, and plenty throughout the yard. Maybe that would help plant some trees and be good to the environment like Aunt Dee Dee was always rambling on about.
Taking the branch in both hands, Rachel swung with all of the strength she could muster in her little body. Years of anger and frustration and sadness surfaced as the branch connected with a satisfying crack, acorns scattering in all directions. The nine year old hit the same limb again, and then again even harder than before, finally displacing all the acorns on the branch she had been working on. Rachel stopped long enough to wipe the sweat that had started to fall on her forehead. She needed a bigger stick to reach a higher limb. There was a rake right beside the rose bushes in Aunt Dee Dee's garden, and Rachel saw it out of the corner of her eye, then hurried to pick it up. She knew it was only a matter of time before her mother finished showering, and then she would come make her stop. But Rachel was still upset, and didn't feel better yet. She needed to do some more smashing first.
"Ouch," Rachel muttered as a thorn from the rose bush dug into her skin, producing a long scratch up her arm. Rachel refused to cry, however. She wasn't a baby anymore. Cadence had seen to that. She ignored the blood and, gathering herself, she ran straight at the tree, hitting a large section of it with one giant swing.
Shelby approached the kitchen window and watched as her daughter made a mess of the back yard. She didn't have the energy to be mad about it, and knew that if she ran out there acting frustrated, it would just create a bigger problem. After taking a minute to compose herself, she turned her head to look at her wife, whispered an apology, and stood up straight. Cassandra kissed Shelby's temple, forgiving her, before following her out the kitchen door and into their backyard. They stood on the back porch, watching their daughter silently as she swung a rake around and continued to hit the big oak tree. Shelby had never known Rachel to react to anything physically, and wondered if it was something they needed to bring up in therapy.
"Rachel," she spoke calmly after a minute. "Please stop."
She didn't yell. She didn't raise her tone. Slowly, carefully, her little girl turned to the source of her mother's voice, dropping the rake at her feet. Big crocodile tears sprang to her eyes and she ran to her mother, clearly apologetic. She'd never heard Shelby be calmly disappointed before and it scared her.
"Mommy, I'm sorry, I won't do it again," Rachel jumped up into Shelby's arms and wrapped her legs tightly around her mother's waist, to the point where she wouldn't have even had to hold onto Shelby with her arms to stay on her.
She expects me to yell, Shelby noted. Is that the mother you've become already, Shelby?
"It's okay, Rachel," she said out loud. There were a lot of things she wanted to say, but this moment wasn't exactly the time for all of it.
"It's not, it's not okay..." Rachel sobbed into Shelby's bare shoulder. "How can you say that? I hurt the tree and some hit the house. There are so many on the concrete you stepped on some and crunched them and you hate mess….."
Shelby opened her mouth to reply, but Rachel didn't give her a chance as her little girl rambled on.
"And I got blood on your clothes when I grabbed you and no wonder you took my chair away...I know I wasn't nice to the baby and I know she is better than me and Aunt Stef said I needed to be a big girl now...and you used to let me stay in your room...I like trees, really I do...and...and…." Rachel started to hyperventilate.
"Rachel, Rachel..." Shelby took her daughter's face gently in her hands. "Take a deep breath. You're bleeding? Show Mommy where…"
Rachel pointed to the long thorn scratch on her arm, and before Shelby could say anything else about it Cassandra rushed back into the kitchen to grab something to clean Rachel's arm off.
"Honey…We have a lot we need to talk about. Where do you want to go to talk?" Rachel just continued to stare at her mother, sniffling, so Shelby continued. "How about we go to the dance studio for a little bit, okay? Come on," she set Rachel on the ground and reached her hand out to her daughter who clutched her hand as if it was going to disappear forever.
They caught up to Cassandra in the kitchen and the blonde followed them into the studio, baby Cadence babbling on her hip. Once they got to the studio, Cassandra shut the door and set Cadence on the spacious, empty floor, allowing her to crawl around to her heart's content. Cassandra sat with her legs open in a V, and Cadence crawled all over her, pulling at her long blonde hair and smacking her little hands against Cassandra's upper thighs. Spying the big blue curtains behind her older sister, Cadence climbed over her legs and pulled on the curtain, opening it a little to reveal part of the giant mirror against the back wall. The little girl giggled in delight and smacked her hand against the mirror before grabbing at Cassandra's arm as if to show her older sister her newest discovery. Cassandra nodded at her little sister, before reaching towards Rachel.
"Let me see your arm, sweetheart." she insisted, using a warm washcloth to gently soak up the blood. "Is that better?" she asked. Rachel nodded, not speaking to her Mama because she was the most upset with her.
Shelby sat cross legged near Cassandra, and encouraged Rachel to sit in front of her. Rachel did so, albeit reluctantly. Where usually Rachel had no problem cuddling into either of her mothers, Rachel put some distance between her and the adults. She pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Neither had yelled at her, not yet anyway. She didn't think either would ever hit her. They were not like that, and they hated hitting too much. But she felt she had never been as bad or thought bad thoughts about either of them before. Rachel just wished whatever they were going to do, they would just get it over with. Mama would probably yell the most because it was her baby sister after all. The Reverend would have punished her a long time ago by now, and she would have long been locked in a closet. But her mothers were never anything like the Reverend and really hoped that she hadn't been so bad that they started to turn into someone like him.
"Rachel, honey. I'm really sorry that everything has been so crazy," Shelby started. "I know it isn't fair. Believe me, I know. A lot of changes happened really fast, and some of them were only temporary, like my and Mama's attitudes. We are having a hard time adjusting to everything too, and I know I can tell you that because you are smart and I know you understand…"
"Understand what?" Rachel said with a voice that was much deeper and slower than she normally used. "Nothing makes sense except that children are to be seen and not heard. If you are good than things go better for you. When you are bad...Well, not so much...You just got to take the punishment and show you that you repent…" Rachel licked her lips, staring faraway. She was clearly back in a memory, not paying either of her mother's a second thought. "I know I have been badder than I've ever been since I came here. Can we just get this over with?" Rachel looked out towards the kitchen and then tilted her head towards the back door. "I got to go get my shoes that I threw, so I don't get in trouble for that too..."
Shelby's eyes widened and her stomach dropped. "Rachel what are you talking about? You're not in trouble at all..." she blinked at her daughter incredulously.
Rachel pressed her lips together. "I went outside without telling you where I was going... I'm not supposed to do that," Rachel said. "I hit the tree and made a mess, so I was bad."
"Rachel, how you're feeling right now is more important than that," Shelby said gently, stopping her voice from trembling. Her daughter's reaction was scaring her. Have I really gotten that bad? "Thank you for knowing that you are supposed to ask, but the tree will be okay. What's more important is that you got hurt. It's more important that you listen to what Mama and I are about to talk to you about. You know better than to think that we are going to hurt you, don't you?"
"You probably won't because you are my real mother...but she might," Rachel not calling either Cass or Shelby by name. "She hasn't talked to me since we got home, and she got real upset at me at dinner. She talked to Aunt Dee Dee about me when I was in the attic." Rachel sighed and looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to make eye contact with either of them. She hated talking about any of this. She just wanted it over with.
"Rachel," Cassandra said, staring at her daughter with utter concern. "I would never, ever, raise a hand to you, I don't under-" her words were cut off by Shelby placing a hand on her wife's upper thigh. Cassandra was so hurt her words died on her tongue anyways. Her heart started to race. "I can't believe you don't know…" she took a heavy breath.
"Rachel, apologize to your mother," Shelby said softly. "You know she would never do anything like that, and you're saying things that you don't mean because you're upset."
"You both don't get it," Rachel stood up and glared at both of them. "I know how it is now. I know you don't hit each other when you get mad and fight. You just go off and ignore each other and Mommy, you go off and take walks." Rachel backed up and stood against the wall. "I know I am not as good as she is," Rachel nodded her head towards the baby. "Mama didn't have a choice to take me. She had a choice to get her sister. She rescued her, even. She got stuck with me. I don't mean to make you feel bad," Rachel told the dancer honestly. "You are not like your dad and not like the Reverend at all." She looked over at Cadence before speaking again. "But I know how it is. I know good things don't last and it's so hard to be good when the baby is taking my place..."
"The baby isn't taking anybody's place, Rachel," Shelby was doing her best to stay patient. "Please sit back down so we can talk. You need to understand something right now." her tone was stern, but not unkind. Slowly, Rachel moved to sit back down, crossing her arms over her chest. "Listen to me very carefully, okay, honey? A lot has been happening and a lot of focus has had to be on Cadence because she is little and sometimes that means she requires special attention or special time dedicated to figuring out how to take care of her. Because you are older, we can trust you more often to take care of yourself. I understand that it has been hard the past couple of weeks while we have tried to figure everything out, and it is understandable that you are starting to act out because you are frustrated. It's okay to be upset. But it's not fair to say those things about your Mama. There is a lot about Mama that you don't know or understand, but one of the important things that you need to know is that Mama did have a choice in taking you in. She helped me rescue you and she is just as much your mother as I am. Before we talk any further, I need to know that you believe that."
"She hasn't told me she loved me," Rachel said quietly. "She hasn't said it once since I saw her when we got Cady. I know she wanted to help me and if she wasnt my mama I wouldn't call her that," Rachel explained. "I'm being bad again," she clenched her fists together, her brow wrinkling in frustration but her shoulders falling in defeat. "I shouldn't be talking. I just mess up and have made Mama sad and made you mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you, Rachel," Shelby continued, wetting her lips and chewing on her bottom lip in thought. "But you do need to stop talking about Cassie as if she isn't sitting right here, okay? She barely knows what day of the week it is, so you can be mad at me all you want, but you need to give her a little break right now, okay? She loves you. And I know that you know that she loves you. She just lost both of her parents and gained a baby sister in a short period of time. Neither one of us has ever been parents to a baby before. Neither one of us has ever been parents to two kids at once before. So we are having a bit of a hard time figuring things out right now, and that is our fault, and we are so sorry about that. But we need you to be patient with us just like we are patient with you, okay?"
"I do love you, Rachel," Cassandra whispered, staring at the floor and feeling numb. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Cadence tugging on the curtain and she picked her up and moved her away from it so she wouldn't pull it down and hurt herself. "And I'm sorry that you feel the way that you do. But it's just not true."
"Then why can't you look at me when you say it," Rachel asked, blinking back tears that were glistening on her eyelashes. "I need to hear that. I don't trust so good."
Cassandra looked up at her little girl. "Rachel. I love you more than I value my own life. I have since the day I met you. I am having a hard time looking into your eyes and being around you right now because I know I have been letting you down. I know I haven't been a very good Cassie the Brave to you lately, and I don't like for you to see me in such a bad place. I know I get mad easily and I have been very stressed recently...I don't want to ever scare you."
"I love you, Mama," Rachel said. With her eyes, she tried desperately to ask for Cassie to come to her and hug her. But Rachel couldn't find the words. She knew she was making things harder on her mothers. Rachel looked at her mother shyly. "And I'm sorry. I really am. I don't like myself when I act like this. That's why I go off to the attic or outside. I don't want to see me when I am bad either."
"I'm not avoiding you, Rachel," Cassandra tried to explain in terms that a little girl would understand. "I've just been busy. And I know you don't like that answer, but it's just the truth. I can only be in so many places at once. That doesn't mean I love Cadence more than you. Cady isn't my daughter, you are. She's my sister. I have to take care of her. But she isn't my daughter, and she isn't replacing you."
Rachel's eyes widened as she turned over what Cassie had said in her mind. She nodded ever so slightly and cocked her head to the side as she processed the words.
"And I wasn't talking to Dee about you," Cassandra continued, trying to remember all of the points that the little girl had rapidly fired at them. "I was talking to her about something I am struggling with personally. Sometimes we need Dee's help because she is an adult and she knows better than Mommy and I do."
"I want to help," Rachel spoke in barely a mumble. She was still waiting on that hug. "And I think it would be okay for you to be trying to be Cassie to Brave. Nobody is brave all the time"
"I understand, but honey, there are some things that you just can't help us with and that just has to be okay," Cassandra felt exhausted. "Sometimes not even Aunt Holly and Auntie April and Aunt Dee Dee can help."
"And Cady isn't better than you, we don't compare ourselves to people, that isn't fair," Shelby added, remembering another thing that Rachel had said in her state of stress. "We love you both, remember how we talked about that? That we have enough love for both of you? We just have to have patience and take time to adjust to things being a little different now. But not everything is going to be different, and not everything is going to change forever."
"Change has never been a good thing for me except one time," Rachel spoke slowly, carefully choosing her words. "That was when I came here and accidently found both of you..." Rachel started to say something else, but caught herself before she said it. She needed to do better, and she was going to try really, really hard. She just needed reassurance and was afraid to tell them that. Instead, she said something completely different.
"I need to go to the bathroom, Can I go now?" she asked, shifting back and forth on the balls of her feet.
Shelby sighed. She knew that Rachel wasn't saying everything and it was important that they were all able to move past this. "Please be completely honest with us, honey. We need to work through this, Rachel, so we can all start to move on. We can't keep doing this with each other."
"Mommy, all of this is making my head hurt and my stomach hurt too," Rachel spoke quickly, swallowing hard. She was only nine and all of this was a lot for her. All she wanted was hugs from both of her mothers, and for them to tell her that things would be okay. She was at her limit on talking for a while.
"Please just remember that change isn't always a bad thing, Rachel. It just means that things are a little different, but different doesn't always mean bad, okay? You can always find the good in the bad situations, and we have found the good with being able to save baby Cadence from a life that, who knows, might have ended up similar to yours. The bad part is over and now we have to figure out the good, as a family." Shelby said. She waited for Rachel to nod, then opened her arms. "Come here, honey," she said.
Rachel hugged Shelby quickly, not wanting to be around either of her mothers anymore at the moment, even if what her mommy was saying made sense. Cassandra reached her arms out for a hug too, which Rachel accepted, and Cassandra placed a slow kiss to Rachel's temple. Rachel felt her Mama's hot tears on her cheek, and Cassandra pulled away, looking down. Rachel swallowed hard again, her throat hurting from trying to keep her emotions at bay. Mama never cried.
Rachel ran out of the dance studio and Shelby turned to her wife with deep concern in her eyes. Cassandra shook her head, not wanting to speak. Nodding, Shelby picked Cadence up into her arms and carried her out of the studio, shutting the door behind them. Cassandra stood, shakily, and leaned against the grand piano. Sucking in a breath, she picked up a notebook that was resting on the stand and threw it across the room as hard as she could. It smacked against the floor and Cassandra fell down into a crouched position, putting her head between her knees and letting out a choked sob.
Upstairs, Rachel dropped down to her stomach and reached under her bed. She pulled out her clipboard with the looseleaf paper on it, knowing she had a letter to write. Her intention was to write a letter to her Mama so she could say the things she couldn't say out loud. Even though she didn't believe the "Don't Tell Go To Hell" rule, saying something out loud was just hard. Now that she was learning more and could write better, she liked to write. She wrote stuff down like keeping a loose leaf diary and hid the pages in the bottom of her sock drawer. She didn't ask for a real journal because she didn't want her mothers to know yet- what if they tried to read it? One day, she might just show them what she wrote. Maybe.
Rachel scribbled against the clipboard, writing a note much like the one she had addressed to Santa all those months back, once upon a December night. This might work, she thought to herself, But then...it might not.. But Rachel hoped that if she wrote to her Mama, her Mama would write her back. Then they could talk without talking out loud, because they understood more about each other than most people could, but that was hard to put into words in person sometimes.
So, Rachel lay there and wrote, and wrote, and wrote. She wrote carefully and slowly so that her handwriting was neat. The sun was above her window and still she wrote.
Noises of different people talking, and the smell of breakfast long gone, she continued her letter. It took her longer sometimes because she had to look up how to spell words in the dictionary Lena had given her.
As she finished, she read it over. It felt right, but something was definitely missing.
Rachel smiled the biggest of smiles she had in over a week. She ran into her bathroom and got in the bathroom drawer, digging into the bottom to find the make-up Auntie April got her to wear in the Kinder Music show. Carefully, Rachel applied the strawberry glitter lipgloss. Then, smacking her lips, she ran back to grab the letter and kissed the bottom of the page, making sure she left a very messy lip print. To the side of it she wrote, "This kiss and hug is for you, Mama. Please come and accept it in person now, and anytime you feel sad."
Rachel could help. She knew she could. Just not in the same way adults could.
Folding it in half, and then in half again, she carefully wrote her mama's first and last the steps she flew, handing it to a startled Cassandra July and then rushing up the stairs of the attic to wait. Barbra was up looking out at the window and mewed a hello to her as she scooted next to her.
It was then, Rachel realized that she still had her pencil in her hand. On the wall, Rachel drew a heart and put her mother's initials a plus mark and then hers too. She put the pencil down but after only a second picked it up and put another set on initials to.. . the initials for Cadence July.
Nobody knew but her that it was here...It was her little secret.