Chapter 16.

With the long meeting over, Sam and Cas walked Jules back to her Jeep in the garage. Sam handed her a bottle of holy oil and she tucked it carefully into the car.

"You have angel-killing bullets?" he said.

"I made sure she does." said Cas.

"What we need are some archangel-killing ones." she said, "I don't suppose we have the blade Dean used to kill Lucifer?"

"No," said Sam, impressed with the way her mind worked, "Michael took it."

"Maybe Rowena will find something." said Cas.

Jules smiled at both of them. "I know it seems hopeless now, but it's not. If we can't defeat Michael today, we hold on until tomorrow, when we may find a way. We keep on holding on, like Dean would. Like Dean is. We all feel like we failed him, but the only thing he would see as failure is surrender. Dean has never surrendered. He never will. He keeps on swinging and so will we."

"Of course." said Sam. Her words reminded him so much of Dean that they were both encouragement and agony to him. He gently hugged her. "Stay safe. Take care of Sarah."

"You will definitely call her tomorrow, right?" she said.

"Promise." he said.

She turned to Cas and moved to hug him, but he stepped back and lowered his gaze. Staring at the floor, he said, "Goodnight, Jules."

Sam saw the hurt in her eyes before she blinked it away and faked a smile. "I know. Angels don't do goodbyes well."

"Sorry." he said.

"I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable." she said.

His right hand moved in her direction, seemingly of its own accord. Quickly, Cas withdrew it. Over the years, Sam had come to understand so much more of the tiny indications of emotion and that one required little interpretation. Whatever he said, however he acted, he did not want Jules to leave without him.

"Cas," said Sam, "If you ... "

"No!" said Cas, in a tone like a stone door slamming shut.

"Call me tomorrow, Cas." said Jules.

"Yes." he said.

Sam heard the chill edge to his voice and knew that everything in his manner was a lie as cruel to him as it was to her.

"I love you." she said. She turned to Sam, "Take care of yourself, Sam."

Cas said no more. His eyes seemed to be trying to bore through the floor. Jules gave him one last, sorrowful look and got into the Jeep.

As she drove away, Sam looked at Cas. "That was pretty cold." he said.

"Yes." said Cas.

"If I had a woman like that willing to hold me tonight, I wouldn't have sent her away like that."

"So why don't you have a woman like that?" said Cas, "You send everyone away."

"Dean wouldn't have wanted this. Remember how much he wanted you to be with Jules." said Sam.

"It's not your concern. It wasn't his. If he wanted to influence my relationship, he should have stuck around." said Cas. Sam knew the feeling well, that uncontrollable anger and resentment that made no rational sense and only made the guilt worse. Cas didn't express his feelings much, but that terse, controlled sentence told Sam that there was a tempest of confused emotion behind the apparent calm.

"Giving up on Jules and Sarah won't bring Dean back. It won't free him from Michael. You can fight for Dean with me without turning your back on the farm. You need your life, your home, your family."

Cas looked into his eyes. "You don't even sleep. You barely eat. You're risking physical oblivion and you criticise me for wanting to stay focused?"

"This isn't focus. This is self-denial. This is self-punishment, maybe self-destruction. You could at least have hugged her."

"You think this is easy?" said Cas and for a moment, his voice was raw with pain. "If I had touched her ... Sam, I can feel exactly how far away she is now and every mile, it hurts more. If I had touched her, I don't think I could have let go."

"Then get in the damn Pimpmobile and follow her home." said Sam.

"It wouldn't be fair, to anyone. Jack needs me. Dean needs me. Jules needs to be out of this ... " He waved an arm around, eloquently evoking his confusion and grief.

"What do you need?" said Sam.

"Nothing." said Cas.

"I don't believe that."

"Angels don't have human needs."

"Bullcrap. You need her. You need Sarah. You need Dean back just as much as I do. You need something in this whole stupid mess to have some glimmer of hope. You need not to be alone in this insanity." He realised he was speaking of his own needs too. He stopped. Everyone needed him to be fine, so he would be fine, but he was damned if he would let Cas pretend the same and sacrifice everything for them again.

"You don't understand me as well as you think!" said Cas and he sounded so painfully like Sam at sixteen that Sam had to think for a moment, to avoid giving the answers from his father that had so alienated and enraged him at the time.

"I want to help." he said.

Cas looked at him doubtfully. He had clearly expected, perhaps wanted, an argument.

"I just want to help." Sam repeated.

"Then let me handle this my way." said Cas, making a plea teenage Sam had made so often. There was only one answer he could give, with the guidance of hindsight and a lot of acquired maturity.

"Okay." he said, "I know you need to do this your way. I just don't want you to think you have to do it alone. Maybe we all have to learn that without Dean and alone are different things."

Cas looked into his eyes and said quietly, "I'm hearing hints of Purgatory in your voice. You didn't know where to start looking then, either."

That seemed the hardest part, hearing the compassion and understanding from Cas that Cas would not accept from him. Even as he tried to shut himself away in some fortress of grief and self-blame, Cas could not help but try to ease the weight on Sam.

"I would give anything for one hint of where they are." said Sam.

"We'll find it. Michael is many things, but he has never been subtle."

"Do you wanna play chess?" said Sam, certain that Cas should not spend the night wandering the bunker as was his habit. He should not be alone with his thoughts. Perhaps neither of them should.

"No." said Cas, "You should sleep."

"I can't sleep." said Sam, "My brother is being ridden around by the most evil creature in existence."

"Mine too." said Cas, "I can put you to sleep. You are no use to anyone, exhausted."

"And how will you spend the night?"

"Looking for signs of Michael or Dean, searching the archives again for anything that can hurt an archangel."

"We can do that together." said Sam.

"I don't need sleep. You do."

"You need someone to talk to."

"I have nothing to say."

"Then someone just to stop your head filling with stupid accusations."

"Can you honestly say your own head doesn't accuse me constantly? You want me at the farm because part of you hates me for what I did."

"What you did? You did nothing."

"Exactly." said Cas.

Mary came into the garage. "Supper's ready."

"I'm not really hungry, Mom." said Sam.

"I didn't ask if you were hungry. Come on. You too, Cas."

"I don't eat."

"You do tonight. Bobby's made a stew."