CHAPTER NINETEEN:
AN: I am so sorry for being late with this newest chapter. I'm hoping to have the next one up tomorrow. *fingers crossed*
Kylo blinks back at the astonished expressions. For the most part, they're looking at him like he's gone mad. One person has a bit more sense. Unfortunately, she doesn't have the best choice of words to offer in his defence.
"So, you're not crazy?" Rose asks, pleasantly surprised. "You really were seeing people."
"People?" Leia repeats. "More than one?"
Kylo turns towards her, but refuses to meet her eye. It's one thing for him to share the fact that Luke's been haunting him all day, but he doesn't know how Leia will react to the knowledge that Han is there too. It's as much a matter of concern for her as for him and it stabs through him like a lightsaber.
He sucks in a deep breath.
"What is it?" Rey asks, stepping towards him, a hand outstretched, as if she means to catch him or hold him up.
"Nothing," he mutters. But these annoying pangs are teetering on the edge of wearying and worrisome.
The one benefit is that Leia doesn't ask again who else is with him. He uses this moment of leverage to convey the information Luke has passed on to him.
"He says that we should go to Ahch-To. That there are runes there that can lead us towards our destination."
"How do we know he's telling the truth?" Finn interjects, Poe nodding at his back with the same suspicious look.
"Why would I lie about that when Rey just suggested we go there?" Kylo retorts. He is not going to enjoy traveling around with these two.
"It could be a trap."
"Believe what you want."
"I believe him," Rose pipes up. "And we'll all have to learn to trust one another if we want to do this right."
Kylo doesn't miss the look that Leia bestows on her, the gratitude, the hope. The pain rears itself again within his chest, but now it feels like someone tearing him apart. With a grunt, he falls to one knee.
"Ben." Leia's voice mingles with Rey's into one low harmony of fear.
He grits his teeth, waiting for the feeling to pass. It takes longer, but it fades eventually, leaving a dull ache in his core.
"What's wrong with him?"
"Nothing's wrong with me," Kylo declares, rising up before anyone can try to help him. Leia and Rey are closer to him than before, but both are maintaining a distance. Who they're distancing for, him or them, is a question left unanswered.
"Are you sure?" Rey asks.
"Yes," he snaps back at her and turns away before the hurt look in her expression can bid guilt to rise. "We're wasting time here. If you want to succeed, you need to act quickly."
Leia nods slowly. Her eyes are on the ground, purposefully avoiding his. "Right. You'll take the Millennium Falcon. Bring Chewie along with you. And Threepio. R2 as well. And BB-8." She lifts her head at last to stare at Poe. "Go on. You and Finn. Start the preparations."
Poe takes a deep breath. It expels without a word. And here Kylo was expecting one final attempt to argue his way out of this.
Once the two of them are gone, Leia turns to Rey and Rose. "Gather the rest of the books to bring with you in case. We'll be with you shortly."
Rey glances once more at him. He meets her stare, not sure what she's trying to tell him through it. He's trying to listen to what thoughts might pass from her, but all is silent, and her brows are knit together tight with concern when Rose drags her away.
A tremor ripples through the room when just he and Leia are left behind. They play a long game of 'avoid-the-other's-eyes'. Kylo's certain he can win it.
"Is is Han? The other person?" Leia asks at last.
Kylo gives one curt nod without looking up.
"Good. I'm glad."
"Really? I'm not." He looks up at once.
Her eyes fall down in turn.
"Your lack of affection hurts me," Han says over his shoulder.
Kylo doesn't bother looking back to see him. He's more intrigued by how Leia refuses to look at him after making such a stink earlier about his refusal to meet her gaze. "Is there something wrong with my face?"
Leia's head angles up, but her eyes don't move further than his chest. "No."
"Then why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not." Her eyes lift all the way and bore into his. "The pain you keep feeling..."
"What of it?"
"She knows," Han whispers behind him.
"Or supposes," Luke's voice chimes in.
This time, Kylo does round on his ghostly companions. "What do you know?"
Luke averts his gaze, but Han's eyes don't flicker or blink, firm on his. "You're changing."
"Ben?"
Kylo rounds on Leia again. He can almost feel two pairs of hands, each wrapped around one of his arms, trying to pull him in half.
"I'm sorry for failing you."
The words stab him through. It feels like he's shattering inside. His vision goes black. When it clears again, he's on all fours, chest heaving, tears stinging his eyes. And Leia is there beside him, a hand on his back.
"What's happening to me?" he asks, his voice ragged. Through the last vestiges of pain, an emotion rolls with a new vehemence. Fear. As he hasn't felt before. Not even when he faced Hux in the hangar. But he feels it now, knows it like a second skin that means to strangle him.
... you are falling apart ...
If he wasn't spiralling before, he is now, into a darkness within him. That voice. How can that voice be in his head?
... you are splintering, torn into two. in your weakness, we are strong ...
"Get out of my head!" Kylo roars. He slams his fist down hard on the ground. The earth ripples and shakes, a tremor of his frustration.
... two energies. one body. come undone ...
"Ben?" A hand, soft, clasps his own, lifts it up, a tender gesture that bids the pain to reign anew until a whole second of time is lost to him. When he comes back to, he is on the ground, curled in a ball.
"Ben!" Leia's voice rages in his ears.
His mother's voice.
... kylo ren and ben solo struggling to be. to become one wholly is to kill the other. which are you? ren or solo? ...
It hurts just to lift his head as wave after wave of that shattering sensation crashes through him. When he speaks, it is not his voice. They are not his words. "... hello, general ..."
He feels himself falling away, losing control of himself. He can hear the words, see Leia retreating from him, fighting to keep a passive face even as her horror ripples through the universe, a palpable wave, feel his limbs moving on the accord of another.
He screams into the void, a silent cry of rage that echoes on and on around him.
"Who are you?" Leia asks, rising over him.
" ... you know who we are ..."
Trapped in the blackness of his mind, Kylo builds a wall.
... what are you doing? ...
Get out of my head.
... you have no power ...
I have power yet.
... we will come again ...
You can try.
The roar of their screams passes from his lips, and then it is done, cut off, as he surges forward again, breaking through the cloud of helplessness. He comes back into his body as the weight of the Sith is lifted from him.
"It's okay. They're gone. It's me," he reassures a stricken Leia before his consciousness flees from him.