"Looks like baby Eaton is…" Dr. Virginia pauses, a grin lighting up her face and the ultrasound wand pressed into my belly, "...a girl! Congratulations, Tris and Four, Strawberry is a girl!"
The nickname Strawberry stuck long after the baby physically outgrew the comparison. Tobias said he planned to keep calling her Strwberry until a doctor tells him it's actually a boy. Looks like he'll keep waiting...
"Charlotte Natalie Eaton," Tobias says, looking at the image of our daughter on the screen.
I'm twenty-six weeks pregnant now - well over halfway to my due date. We could have had this ultrasound weeks ago, but we intentionally waited for today, the one-year anniversary of my accident. While nothing can change what we went through a year ago, we wanted today to be happy, as well as nostalgic for us. We want to remember James, and also celebrate the new chance we've been given.
Pregnancy hasn't been easy for me. Dr. Virginia was right about the exhaustion and other brain injury symptoms being exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. I couldn't go back to work this fall. School started a few weeks ago, but the headaches and fatigue were just too much for me to throw a room full or rowdy preschoolers into the mix. Plus, as my little baby bump belly has gotten bigger, I struggle with balance.
Tobias has been sweetly overprotective, as always. He's terrified that I'll fall down the stairs or something. He makes me come down to the main level before he leaves for work in the mornings, and insists that I stay downstairs until he returns at dinner time. Most days I comply, but sometimes I need to run up for laundry or something. But I'm always careful, and I don't tell him about my little rebellions.
I spent a lot of the summer with Shauna as she was on maternity leave after Zander was born in July. Hana keeps her grandson now that his parents are back to work, and she comes to hang out with me sometimes as well. I love my nephew to death, and getting to spend time with him and his doting grandma makes not working bearable.
There's a lot of Pedrad in my nephew/godson. Hana still insists that he looks just like his Uncle Uri, and after looking through their baby books, I have to say that I agree. Zander is happiest when he's moving - another trait from his active father's side of the family. He's been known to cry when the car stops at red lights, then go peacefully back to sleep once they're moving again. He loves to be held and rocked. Fortunately there is no shortage of adults who want a turn to hold the little one.
To everyone's great surprise, Zander's favorite people are his Aunt Lynn and Uncle Four - neither of whom have a lot of experience, or in Lynn's case even interest, in caring for infants. Perhaps their solid, quiet mannerisms make him feel safe. I don't know. I just know that when no one can soothe the littlest Pedrad, Uncle Four and Aunt Lynn have the magic touch. Watching Tobias pick up the baby, talk to him in his deep, firm voice, and promptly lull the little one to sleep melts my heart. I can't wait to see him with Strawberry.
.
We leave the clinic all smiles, and Tobias takes me straight home. I nap while he cleans up the house in preparation for our friends coming over. Tonight we're hosting a gender reveal/celebration of survival dinner.
Zeke and Shauna arrive first. Zeke has Zander in his infant carrier/carseat in one hand and a case of cold beer in the other. Shauna has her arms full of baby supplies, a gift for Strawberry, and some wine.
"Well?" Zeke says the second he walks into our house. "Am I getting a nephew or a daughter-in-law?"
"Daughter-in-law?" Tobias growls as I giggle. "I think you mean nephew or niece. Cousins don't marry each other. And if and when I have daughters, they're not marrying Pedrads."
"But I could be the grandmother of the groom and the bride," Hana says with a laugh as she walks into the house.
Soon everyone is gathered around our dining room table. Tobias made a couple of baked pasta dishes and picked up garlic bread from Dauntless Bakery. Hana and Christina brought big salads. With the drinks Zeke and Shauna brought, it's a full and delicious meal. More important than the food, everyone is here and has a great time together.
After dinner, we get Caleb and his family on a video call. Tobias and I sent two envelopes out to California in advance of the gender reveal. One envelope is labeled with a number one and the other with a number two, and they're filled with different colors of glitter and confetti. We also had Dauntless cupcakes with pink and blue frosting shipped to them.
For the party here in our house, we had Dauntless make us a chocolate cake, but instead of the usual chocolate filling between the layers, there's pink tinted frosting. Since it didn't need to be shipped, and since we're long-time customers, they worked with us on a last-minute order to use the color we needed. From the outside, it's just plain chocolate, but inside the filling is bright pink. Tobias has been joking about them giving us the wrong cake. He thinks it would be funny if we cut it open and found normal chocolate inside while someone else got our pink.
When the time comes to reveal the baby's gender, I don't know who's more excited, Avery and Ashlyn, or Zeke, Uriah, and Christina. I tell Caleb to give the girls envelope number one, and Tobias hands the Pedrad brothers plastic knives, and gives Christina a spatula.
"Are you ready?" Zeke eagerly asks the girls.
"Yes!" they squeal.
"One… Two… Three!" they yell together.
The girls tear open their envelope as the guys cut the cake. At Caleb's house, pink confetti flies out of the envelope and all over the dining room table. At our house, Christina lifts the first slice of cake and reveals the pink filling. On both sides of the country, our friends and family cheer with excitement.
"It's a girl!" Tobias and I yell.
Zander starts wailing at the sudden noise, and Zeke pops a frosting-covered finger in the baby's mouth, instantly silencing his cries.
"He's just crying because he wants some cake," Zeke tells the girls in the monitor, making them giggle.
.
By Thanksgiving, I'm on partial bedrest, and I can no longer make clandestine trips up and down the stairs while Tobias is at work. Zeke and Shauna host the holiday so they don't have to haul around all of almost five-month-old Zander's equipment for the day. Tobias and I join the family for a few hours of food and football, then he takes me back home to bed.
Bedrest is boring. Fortunately I'm exhausted enough to sleep away several hours of each day. I fold laundry, read or watch TV if my head isn't hurting too much, and I sleep a lot. Tobias is a saint. He does most of the cooking and housekeeping chores. He takes time off work to come to all of my doctor appointments. Whenever I apologize for how much he has to do while I lay around, he says it's the least that he can do since he can't take on the physical task of carrying baby Strawberry for us.
Our friends are a huge blessing during this time. Dr. Virginia was right that we would need to lean on our support system. Christina, Marlene, Shauna, and Lynn take me Christmas shopping right after Thanksgiving. Not on Black Friday - there's no way I could handle that mess - but a few days later. They rent a wheelchair for me and everything. With me in the wheelchair and Zander in his stroller, we roll around the mall and get most of our holiday shopping done. In spite of the fact that I'm sitting on my butt the whole time, the trip exhausts me, and I'm forced back to bed for the rest of the day.
I do the rest of my shopping online, especially for Caleb and his family. They're not coming home for Christmas, opting instead to come over the girls' spring break in March so they can meet baby Charlotte.
Avery and Ashlyn are crazy excited about their baby cousin. My now six and seven-year-old nieces are especially enthralled when I can get my pregnant belly to move on camera for them. I send them ultrasound photos, and they send Charlotte artwork for the nursery. The girls use a special kid-safe messaging app to text, and I can count on getting pictures of cute nurseries or adorable little dresses sent to me pretty much every day. Ashlyn especailly likes to send me pictures of clothes and nursery decor that involve strawberries. She and her Uncle Four are quite taken with my unborn daughter's nickname.
.
By Christmas I feel absolutely huge. I'm thirty-five weeks along, and Dr. Virginia tells me that Charlotte will be safe if she's born now, but that it's better if she has the last few weeks to continue growing. I have a lot of trouble with balance at this point. My center of gravity is all messed up, and coming on the heels of my brain injury, it's not easy to trust my equilibrium. At the doctors' insistence, Tobias gets me a cane. I feel stupid using it, but it has kept me from tumbling over more than once, so I do.
Tobias allows me to do almost nothing, which is annoying but understandable. He works from home most of the time now, and if he has to go to the office for more than an hour or two, he usually gets someone to stay with me.
Christmas is a lot like Thanksgiving. We don't host, but spend Christmas Eve at Hana's with the family. Tobias keeps our visit short, and whisks me home to bed earlier than I would like. On Christmas day we watch Caleb's family open gifts by video chat, then they watch us open the gifts they sent, including a slew of baby burp cloths, receiving blankets, and even little outfits that Susan knitted or sewed.
.
At thirty-eight weeks Dr. Virginia tells me that Charlotte is safer out here than inside of me. It's gotten really difficult in the last couple of weeks. I get dizzy spells, and I've almost fallen several times. My poor brain doesn't know what to do with all these hormones or this new version of my body. Even standing feels dangerous when the room randomly spins on me.
Laying down isn't comfortable either. Laying on my stomach is impossible. On my back I feel like I'm being smothered. My side is my best option, but little miss Charlotte Strawberry thinks it's time to use me as a jungle gym any time I lay down and try to rest. I end up laying around restlessly most days until the fatigue becomes enough to knock me out.
.
Dr. Virginia schedules my labor to be induced on January eighteenth, if I don't go into labor on my own first. She also orders me on full bedrest out of fear that I'll fall. The diziness has gotten pretty bad in the last few weeks. Unfortunately, bedrest greatly reduces the likelihood that I'll go into labor on my own.
We spend our last prenatal weekend resting and making sure everything is ready for Charlotte's arrival. Tobias installs the carseat base in my SUV. My bag has been packed for a while. We go over the birth plan again - even though we know we'll have to be flexible. All I want is a calm, normal birth. I'm open to pain medication if Dr. Virginia thinks it's necessary, but I'm hoping to avoid it. I'm also hoping to avoid a C-section, but again, if that's what it takes to bring Charlotte safely into the world, I won't object. The birth plan also specifies that I only want Tobias and the hospital staff to be there during delivery, and that we don't want visitors too soon after.
.
On Friday night I think I'm having contractions, but they taper off rather than getting stronger. It's enough to spike Tobias' anxiety, and I'm pretty sure he lays awake all night watching me like I might give birth in my sleep or something. I have to say, I wouldn't object to that idea... I have a lot of anxiety about giving birth, but there's no backing out now!
Saturday and Sunday are eternally long. I'm restless, uncomfortable, and anxious. I can't walk around, either, since I'm such a fall risk. TV doesn't hold my attention for very long, so I decide to put on some music.
I set my phone to shuffle, and when the second song is our wedding song - Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong - I get an idea.
"Tobias, will you dance with me?" I ask.
"Huh?" he questions in surprise. "Dance? We can't; you're on bedrest."
"Please," I beg. "I'm only on bedrest because I'm unsteady, but I need to move around. You won't let me fall."
I think he rolls his eyes a little, but he gives in and helps me haul my whale of a belly off the couch. I put my arms around Tobias' neck and stand as close as the baby bump will allow, leaning forward to rest my head on his chest. He puts his hands on my hips, and I sigh as we sway gently together.
"I always feel safe in your arms," I tell my husband. "The first time I stood up in the hospital after the accident I wished you were the one standing with me. I didn't know you, but I did - if that makes any sense. I knew that you were the only one I wanted by my side. I wanted to hug you. And a few days later I was too embarrassed to ask for a kiss, but I wanted to kiss you so bad. Thankfully, you felt the same way."
Tobias chuckles, then kisses the top of my head. "I kissed you when you were asleep in your coma," he says. "Mostly on the forehead or cheek, but it was hard to stop once you were awake. I was so relieved when you let me kiss you that day. Our second first kiss…"
.
.
"One more big push, Tris," Dr. Virginia says. "You can do it! She's almost here!"
I don't believe her. My doctor is a liar. She's been telling me that we're close for several lifetimes now. Okay, maybe hours, not lifetimes, but it feels like it. I was induced this morning. First they broke my water, then they put me on Pitocin. Now I'm miserable.
"I think I have to poop," I whine, completely embarrassed. I know it happens during labor, but… yuck.
Dr. Virginia chuckles. "That's the baby," she says kindly. "Push her out."
So I do. With one more effort I grip Tobias' hand and push as hard as I can.
Dr. Virginia holds up our daughter, and the tension-filled hours of labor and delivery are gone, replaced by bright smiles. Well, not everyone is smiling. Charlotte seems quite peeved after the ordeal of being born.
Tobias cuts the umbilical cord, and Charlotte is placed on my chest.
She's perfect. Tobias and I count her fingers and toes, and examine her features while the doctor cleans me up.
Charlotte Natalie Eaton looks like us. She has dark hair like her daddy, but her facial features are shaped like mine. Being used to six-month-old Zander, I can't believe how tiny she is.
The nurses take her to get cleaned up and checked out, and Tobias looks torn.
"Go," I tell him.
They've only taken her to the other side of the room. Tobias doesn't hesitate, but follows Charlotte and the nurses.
"You did great, Tris," Dr. Virginia tells me. "You went through so much to get here, but you made it. You have a beautiful new daughter. You're going to be a great mom."
"Thank you," I say as tears fill my eyes. "Thank you for being with me through all of it."
When her exam is done, Tobias brings Charlotte to me. She's swaddled up like a little pink burrito, and she wears a soft green cap on her head.
"You do look like a strawberry," I laugh as I eagerly reach for my baby.
She's seven and a half pounds in weight, and nineteen inches long. The nurses assure us that she is perfectly healthy. I feel like my heart is about to explode with love and relief as I finally hold my baby in my arms.
Tobias calls our family and friends while I attempt to nurse Charlotte. He tells everyone not to visit until tomorrow, but invites Hana to come this evening. As Strawberry's only grandparent, we want to give her first 'dibs' on hiding the baby. Plus, just like after my accident, we know that Hana will be a calm and motherly support.
.
Everyone loves baby Charlotte, of course. Her aunties like having a girl they can dress up like a doll. Avery and Ashlyn are awestruck when they see her on video, and again when they see her in person. Their sweet little giggles when they meet their cousin melt my heart.
But no one (other than Tobias and I, of course) loves baby Charlotte as much as Zander. Zeke and Shauna's six-month-old can't take his eyes off his new cousin, and he reaches and grabs for her whenever he's too close.
.
Tobias takes six weeks of family leave from work. On the first day that he goes back to work, Shauna and Zander come over to visit. We put Strawberry (yes, the nickname stuck…) in her infant bouncy seat on the floor, and put now seven-month-old Zander far enough away that he can't reach her.
Undeterred, Zander scoots his knees under himself, grins a drooling version of his father and uncle's wolfish playful grin, and crawls toward my daughter.
"What?!" Shauna exclaims. "You little player! You won't crawl for us, but as soon as you have a girl in your sights, you're off and running?!"
We laugh, snap pictures, and take a video clip for Zeke. Then we spend the rest of the morning pulling Zander away from Strawberry when he gets too close.
.
We never forget about baby James. On the second anniversary of my accident, I finally get my butterfly tattoo. It's just like my mom's - a monarch between my shoulder blades, but rainbow-filled instead of orange. The butterfly's body says "James." You don't notice it at first glance, but I know it's there.
The next time I see Avery and Ashlyn, they notice the new tattoo, and we have our first ever conversation about the baby I lost.
"I had a baby in my tummy once," I tell them, "but he died before he was big enough to be born. It happens sometimes, and it was really sad. I got this new tattoo to remember him. Your grandma Natalie had the same tattoo, because the same thing happened to her once."
I think I handle it well. I don't make it too sad, but we get to talk about the fact that bad things happen sometimes. We also talk about how much it helps when your friends and family are there for you, and how it's nice to remember the people we loved. I remind the girls that if they ever go through sad times they can always call me and Uncle Four.
Strawberry, too, grows up knowing about her older brother. As our friends have children and we bring our second-born, Lucas Matthew Eaton, into the family, we never forget him. We talk about James every October as we celebrate the anniversary of my survival.
Yes, I said celebrate. As the years pass, the memory of that period becomes less and less raw, and more sweetly tender, just like Tobias hoped it would. We have a special dinner on the anniversary of the accident every year. It's kind of like a second birthday for me - the day I survived. Tobias always tells the story, from a very simplified and humor-focused version when the kids were young to the more elaborate and emotional telling when they're old enough to understand. The kids love to hear the story of how I woke up without a memory, and how I fell in love with their dad/Uncle Four all over again.
The End (epilogue tomorrow)